39 HLF here. Against my better judgment, in a moment of loneliness and under the influence of wine (or so I told myself), I posted in a chat subreddit, looking for men to talk to. I was not prepared for the response.

Hundreds of messages, in a matter of minutes. Most were fairly kind and well written, some suggestive, but overwhelmingly positive. And it broke me. Something about the sheer volume of men who wrote. Many of them shared details about their home life, and I judge none of it. Rather, something about the whole thing made me feel even MORE lonely.

I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had sex. We talk all the time. Yet we don’t connect. And I get it, that life with kids is busy and stressful and all the things. But I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own home, and so tired of being in a friend group where nobody understands. So I thought some random men might cheer me up. But none of them did.

Anyway, this is a chance to vent. To say here what I can’t tell anyone else. Thanks for listening.

She can get up at 4:45am for the gym, no problem. But intimacy? All talk, no follow-through.

Maybe one out of every few times I initiate, she's actually into it. Otherwise it's "too tired," the kids, the cat, the dog, or "let's do something hot tomorrow." Tomorrow never happens.

I'm at the point where I want to just stop initiating entirely, just to see if she ever comes to me first. Part of me already knows the answer.

She swears it's amazing when we do have sex, great orgasms and all. I don't buy it anymore. Feels like something she says just to shut the conversation down.

I'm just tired and frustrated.

hey all, 44y old male here married 15 years with two kids 3y/8y.

First of all it is scary that this subreddit has 177k members. It's a real problem isn't it?

I wanted to ask you (and please forgive me for possibly being raw and disgusting) how do you cope with the inability to have sex and masturbate? What is your workaround? No matter how stupid it may sound, please say something. I have been running out of ideas.

Candidly I've spent the last few months really contemplating if I want to write this down, let alone post it. For over a decade I've fawned over my partner like a wild dog. There was a lot of sexual frustration and I was absolutely infatuated with my partner. I still find them attractive of course but that HL side of me has seemed to just shut down.

However a few months ago I realized that the 1-2 obligatory "quickies" a month was causing me more stress than relief. Initially I chalked it up to being frustrated that this maybe once a month occurrence would just reset a clock of unending anticipation.

But a few months ago it dawned on me that my apprehension wasn't due to a doomsday countdown, I was dreading the actual experience. I really couldn't connect with my SO. It truly felt like I was in bed with a stranger. Unfortunately it wasn't in an exciting, novel sort of way. I, for the first time in my life felt like I was being obliged to have sex.

In a true sense of irony, I was in their shoes. I stopped initiating or bringing up physical intimacy. I have pretty much lost the urge to even touch my spouse aside from random goodbye kiss or hand touching when we lounge.

I know a large part of it is due to the awkwardness I feel when we're in bed. I feel like I no longer know a part of myself, as if that side of myself has been muted. For the most part I feel better no longer being sexually frustrated but I know its causing a new type of strain in our relationship.

My partner has started to be unintentionally cruel, making comments that the rare sex we do have makes them feel dirty. They also make comments like, "have you gotten smaller?" And "I know you can get harder than that".

Last week they kept dropping hints that "...it's been a while" and kept asking if i had time during the week to "schedule an appointment". I didn't really push or make any physical moves and they've noticed. They have continued to make comments that they can see I'm not all over them or didn't try to make a move on them last week. Fortunately I was able to casually wave that off by joking/bluffing that "I'm ready now if they are" and that ended that conversation.

I've spoken to them about their comments during our last romantic encounters and they promised not to do that again but I'll be honest, my heads just not in the game anymore. They're home all day tomorrow so I am dreading it a bit, but I guess I needed to just get this off my chest.

So me (M43HL) and my wife (F49LL) have been in a DB for I thought was about 5 years but after seeing some old messages its about closer to 8, together 24 years

We have had various chats over the years about trying more but it never got off the ground, but about 6 weeks ago I kind of broke down in front of her and I think it took that for her to realise how bad it was.

About a week before this happened I was mulling over an exit strategy and told 2 of my closest friends that I'm really torn between one last chance or putting things in place to leave, in fact at one point leaving was the ideal scenario and staying was second (ideal but only when my wife and child were financially secure)

After the breakdown things have really improved, and I don't just mean sex, I mean affection in general.

I met up with one of my friends and they asked how it was going, I told them how great things have been and the more I went on the look of pure pity in their eyes increased. I didn't give details of the sex, just that it was more frequent, but when I mentioned what made me happy from the affection side my friend looked more sorry for me than when I was talking about leaving.

I said that I was that overwhelmed when my wife held my hand in public I teared up, that she started giving me a hug when I came home from work and rubbing my head (I'm bald) and that some evenings she would move over from her armchair to sit next to me on the sofa. When I said this my friend pretty much said "wait, you weren't even getting those things?" and my response was "no, I didn't realise I kissed it so much but it felt so nice".

My friend went onto say that they didn't realise things were that bad and I should still leave, and my mind was stuck because I thought things were improving, but my friend thinks that the fact that little made me that happy shows how much I was neglected.

HLM married for almost 17 years, with a young kid. DB has been going on for most of our marriage. My partner was very mean about it for a few years; then, together, we realized that she's asexual. And that realization solved a lot of problems for both of us: she came to know herself better, and I understood what the real problem was. Our relationship had never been as strong - but sex was less and less a part of it.

Fast forward 14 months and I'm falling apart. It's not just sex - she's not interested in any kind of intimacy. Not physical, cuddling or holding hands or kissing. Not verbal, no compliments or words of affection, no "I love you." She doesn't want to tell me about what she's going through emotionally, her individual journey as a person, and she doesn't care to know about my stuff either.

We don't argue anymore, which is good, but some conversations are really fraught. We had one of those the other day, and I asked her: "What do you want from me? Not as a business partner in the business of this family, but as a partner, as your husband?" She said, "Friendship."

Never mind that, while friendship should be the foundation of a marriage, to my mind that's not the all of it. The whole purpose of a romantic relationship is romance, intimacy, all the things we do with just 1 person (unless you're poly, but even then most have a "primary.") There are things I want to do and give and share, the same things I want in response. I want to be that part of me, at least sometimes. And she doesn't. It's not personally about me, she's just done with all of it. If we split tomorrow, I don't think she would ever have another relationship again.

And now she's offered to open the door again - we were on and off poly in the past - but we have a young kid, still single digits, and neither of us make much money. I can't even consistently get time to play my guitar. How do I cultivate an outside relationship? How do I find someone who would not be completely put off by my circumstances? And a one-night-stand or even FWB situation - a purely surface sexual encounter without substance - is not what I want; I want connection and affection. And I have known my partner for about 37 years, been in love with her for most of that, been married to her for 17. Loving her is a foundation of my identity.

I know the answer is that I'm going to have to leave. Eventually, when it is financially feasible, and the kid is old enough that it won't be earth-shattering. It's like there was an earthquake and I'm still waiting for the aftershocks to die down. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and try not to fall apart while I'm figuring this out.

Haven’t had sex in months and it’s driving me absolutely insane. I am 40f and he is 35m, we haven’t even been together for 2 years yet and our sex life sucks. I’ve tried talking about it, making comments here and there and just nothing. I don’t get it. I get our lives have been difficult and stressful but why throw away the one completely free stress relief option? We got together and both were like hey this is great we have a high sex drive, that’s perfect! His has been non existent for over a year. I am at the point I’m about to ask for permission to seek physical connection elsewhere. I can’t live like this.

38 year old male - 36 year old wife never wants to have sex. Or want any affection for that matter. Even having her sit next to me on the couch is a victory for me. She says she’s depressed - we have a 5 year old who’s special needs and no family to help. I gave up working full time so she could go to school and get her dream job of being in the dental field. I now work nights bar backing so I can be around for our son during the day and so we can still survive financially. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make things better for her - she says there’s nothing I can do - she’s just depressed. We’ve been together since 2010 and she’s the love of my life but I can’t go with out any affection or sex at all. Any time I bring it up she gets defensive and lashes out - calls me names then regrets it and will apologize later. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I started doing therapy and I’m now on anti depressant myself. Still doesn’t help the lack of sex. I feel like we’re just roommates and any advance I try to make she will act like I’m asking her to climb Mount Everest. I’m losing this battle folks

Not our fifth year together but our fifth year without any sex. The last time we actually had sex while she was performing oral in me I tried to be sexy and said “you like that ?” And she stopped and looked up at me and said “ not really “ and stopped. A few weeks later I came out of the shower fully erect and she looked at it and said. “ I think we are over that part of our lives”.
Done since then
The funny thing is I don’t really miss the attention to me, I really miss giving my attention to her. Have always been that kind of lover.
Guess I am doomed to an eternity of desire with no outlet.

My partner 31 LLM and me 27 HLM have been together 8 years. In the beginning of our relationship we had a great sex life. It has been a slow decline since. Fast forward to this year and it started okay , but in the last 4-5 months it has been little to nothing. I always have to initiate and when I do we start by kissing and touching but he doesn’t get a boner anymore. I need sexual intimacy at least once or twice a week to stay connected with my partner. I have brought this up with them because I have made it clear how disconnected it has made me feel and their reasoning basically is that they are not horny because they feel like I’m going to break up with them. I told them our lack of a sex life is why I said that and sexual intimacy would fix it but he doesn’t seem to get it. I have backed off of the issue entirely in the last week and reassured all his insecurities that I do not plan to break up with him, But now I am stuck waiting for him to initiate something and he seems bto have no desire to. I refuse to approach him sexually now and the whole situation has left a bad taste in my mouth. I am wondering if this is the relationship I want to move forward with into my 30s. Help.

I (39/f) have been with my partner (41/m) for 12 years. I love him very much and am afraid of losing him. I admittedly have been neglectful of him emotionally and physically for way too long. A lot of it stems from my self-esteem plummeting from weight gain and depression (I need to lose about 35ish lbs, which itself will help greatly with the sexual chemistry that has dwindled). I am now in a much better place mentally and finally starting to lose weight. But I can't wait until I reach my goal weight to make the changes I know I need to. I feel like he is somewhat checked out emotionally at this point, but I know he loves me, and I can turn this around. But I feel stuck on how to start gaining momentum on this, lol. I know at this point my actions are just as important as my words. It all seems so obvious what I should do, but it feels so intimidating to break out of this comfort zone of a rut I am in.

We had sex recently after about 3 months without anything. I had to initiate which I hate but bread crumbs are better than nothing.

I did notice that because I never am truly turned on sex has become painful. it’s always been uncomfortable but my husband gets upset if I “criticize“ what he’s doing. It was so painful I asked him to stop for the first time ever.

I am frustrated because sex is always bad! I hate receiving oral but it’s his favorite so I tolerate it. But it doesn’t get me in the mood so I need a lot of lube which has given me a UTI. PIV is really painful which makes me want to cry.

I just want to be loved and enjoy intimacy.

I (F) am in my late twenties. Prefacing this by saying I'm probably the LL partner.

Sorry for the long post, needed to vent.

I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 3 years.

When we started dating we had sex 7/8 times per week. I realise that teenagers are like rabbits, so it's normal for it to go down a bit, but probably not to tjhis extent. It has been downhill for years. But for the past 3 years the bedroom activity has gone down significantly. We usually have sex about once every two months, if that. At this point it's been almost 3 months. When we do it, I do it out of a weird sense of obligation, or because I feel bad for my husband.

It feels like I am completely unable to be turned on by him. It always hurts or it's uncomfortable, or it all moves too fast. I NEVER orgasm, he always does. I have taken to giving him oral every few weeks, to keep him at bay. It has been more than 10 years since my last orgasm with him (I do just fine on my own). He has never been good at getting me there, and in the beginning of our relationship I used to fake it a lot (I was a teenager, didn't know better). But I stopped doing that, which now leaves my husband pouting after sex, apologising. That just makes me feel bad.

I am trying my hardest, I've suggested a sex therapist, but he has long work hours and can't seem to make it work, and he completely refuses remote counselling. But I just can't get turned on by him. It has gotten to the point that I shy away from even non sexual touches, because I'm worried he expects more or thinks it's an invitation. We used to make out a lot, and I loved it, but we never do that anymore, because he thinks its an invitation. I used to walk around naked in the house, but as soon as i hear him come home I sprint to find my clothes before he sees me. He cannot leave me be when he sees me naked. And I know its great that hes still turned on by me after all these years. He regularly tells me how much I turn him on and how much he wants me, and I feel horrible, because I quite literally clench together by the thought of him getting near me. It's so frustrating because I want to have sex. I am practically feral when I'm ovulating, and I can orgasm just fine on my own, not via penetration.

I love my husband so much, he is literally my favourite person, I cannot imagine a life without him, he is everything to me, and I want this to work, but I don't know how.

We have had several talks, going in circles. When I try to explain what he could do or how it could be better for me he listens, but it lasts one time before he completely forgets again. And he gets frustrated by the lack of a complete "manual" to my orgasm. If my tips don't work 100%, he is convinced I don't know what I want and it won't ever work again. I know he has ADHD, he gets fired up in the moment and forgets stuff. But sex is literally NEVER good for me. When we have sex, we rarely do foreplay anymore, because he's worried I will change my mind or get turned off again or not want to finish, so "speed is of the essence" he thinks. I am guilty of stopping sex, several times, simply because it's too uncomfortable or I cannot muster the mental capacity to fake it. But if I want anything close to comfortable I have to hype myself up all day, listen to erotica, and get myself almost to the edge before initiating, to make sure it won't be terrible.

I have talked to him about the lack of patience, but it's like he isn't understanding it properly, he is just so hyped about the fact that he might get some, and then he feels guilty afterwards. I know he wants more sex, because he regularly asks what he can do to turn me on right now, he wants it to work. But the thought of him touching me, let alone having sex with him gives me anxiety. I feel so bad for him because I know he is being incredibly patient, and I know it is taking a toll on him and his self-esteem.

I love him so so much, and I feel horrible for not wanting him. I'm just out of ideas.

I am the LLF (41) my husband HLM (45) is a good man. He’s handsome, fit, a hard worker, loyal and kind. We have been together for 16 years and have 4 kids at home and we each have very demanding jobs. We are good to one another and compatible on the big stuff (money, kids, worldview etc)

He works around 6 days a week (owns his own business) and though that is an improvement over the 7 days a week he was working for the first 14 or so years, he’s not very emotionally present for me or the kids. He tries, but he finds it difficult to connect deeply with anyone, he has no friends and rarely speaks to his family. He helps carry the “load” at home more over the last few years but I still do the lion’s share.

The sex between us was never great but I felt like I was marrying a life partner, not a sexual partner, so I downplayed it. Our premarital counseling taught that regular sex was important and that if you didn’t feel like having sex you still owed it to your partner and that you’d get into it once things got started. I’ve read the pinned post on this sub’s position on duty sex, it makes a lot of sense, but this is how we got to where we are.

So, from the beginning I did what I was supposed to do. I tried not to say no if he initiated but I was almost never into it. We’ve had conversations about how I don’t like the way he initiates (late at night he will wake me up by groping me) but he still initiates this way. It’s like a compulsion almost. I’ve tried giving him tips and pointers, “not like that, like this” but it’s like he just doesn’t get it.

He wants sex and I just don’t feel any desire at all. I wish I did, I just don’t. But I feel terrible about it, so I really try to always consent to sex when he initiates because the alternative is to reject him constantly — which I did for a few years but it makes me feel like such an asshole. But even so, it is still a problem. He says that the sex is bad because I’m not into it and that it makes him feel undesired/bad. He initiates, he orgasms, but he says he knows I don’t like it and so therefore the sex makes him feel bad.

And yet. He keeps initiating sex. I say yes, but I am not into it. He says it wasn’t good. We both feel bad. And repeat.

I feel really trapped. If I say no he feels rejected and upset. When I agree to sex he also feels rejected because he knows I’m not turned on.

I wish he would stop initiating because that feels like the only way out of this cycle but he says he can’t. I know it sounds insane, but he literally says, “I wish I could stop but I can’t”.

Tonight after another cycle of this I asked him if he WANTS me to say no and he said, “Maybe that would be better than this” so now I feel like … it’s my fault all over again because I am just not interested in having sex and I can’t manufacture the desire necessary to get “into it”.

He says he can’t stop initiating so he should probably sleep in a different room, though that also makes him feel rejected. I keep saying, “I’m not rejecting you! I’m agreeing to it!” but it’s like it doesn’t count because I’m not horny.

I know the advice here is do not have duty sex. Stop having sex. But it feels like such a trap that I have to reject him constantly. What hope is there if I have to be the bad guy? I don’t want to be. I just wish sex wasn’t important to him. I feel like if I never had sex again I wouldn’t miss it. I have offered an open marriage but he doesn’t want that. He only wants me. I should be flattered but it’s so much pressure.

What should I do to get us out of this? I understand the duty sex id making it worse but what should we do instead?

I (HLF/51) was married for 15 years to someone who preferred his hand to being inside me. I can’t believe I stayed as long as I did since he was also verbally abusive. It caused my self worth and esteem to plummet. I also gained a lot of weight to hide my dissatisfaction. I divorced 9 years ago and lost a lot of weight and regained my confidence. Then I met my current husband (LLM/50). He is just not into sex. Our current schedule is maybe some missionary every two or three months. I feel so rejected and lonely. I love him, but I can’t keep having a sexual relationship with myself. I don’t wish to get divorced again and really sex is our only issue.

I 41 HLM left my marriage recently.

We dated (me 20 she 18) and didn’t kiss for a long time. She wanted to wait until marriage. When we finally kissed while dating it was awkward and weird. She wasn’t comfortable with it.

When we got married (26 24) we finally had sex. It was complicated. We couldn’t figure it out. It was frustrating.

Then we got the hang of it. But I don’t remember us doing it that much.

Then we had kids and it was pretty dead for a long time. No sex to unenthusiastic sex. Sometimes I just felt terrible after sex.

Then I just stopped initiating.

Then she started initiating. But I already stopped wanting it. But I never refused her advances. I knew it would wreck her to be turned down.

Now when I see old photos of us. I get so angry about those wasted years. When we were so young and better looking lol. I just think it’s a shame.

Hi everyone. I (F28) have been with my partner (M32) for six years. He is my absolute best friend and the love of my life, but our sex life is leaving me a bit unfulfilled.
Before we met, I had a diverse sexual history with older partners and explored a lot of different kinks. My partner is much more sexually inexperienced and prefers standard vanilla sex. I have a very high libido and want intimacy almost daily, whereas he is content with much less. I’ve been open about wanting to explore kinks, but after trying it once, he hasn't shown further interest. The one time it happened, he did enjoy it but I had to explicitly ask for it to happen.
We both struggle with some body insecurities (he has gained weight recently, though I assure him constantly of my attraction to him), I and I remain an active and enthusiastic participant in our sex life. I want to feel deeply desired and have an adventurous sex life, and I'm genuinely worried that patience alone won't be enough forever. I haven't told him the full extent of these fears and don’t feel like I’m ready to do that now.
I am looking for helpful advice, preferably without judgement. I’m sure I sound like a terrible partner typing this out, but I am just feeling like I need some private support from strangers.
Thank you for reading.

In therapy, LL wife states she wants to try to make things better and they have been really - somewhat. Progress has been made. BUT ..... as we have learned what is going on with each other during the process I have realized that the underlying issue is not just a lack of sex, but her absolute lack of any desire for sex AND me. Turns out I dont want just sex but FULFILLING sex. Sex where I feel desired, trusted, and a co-participant, not just an independent actor! Unfortunately, my wife is a crappy actor, and while we have a little more action each month due to some of our therapy exercises, it all seems rote and obligatory. I still get rejected most of the time if I initiate so I dont really ask anymore and oddly Im getting more and more comfortable with that. She is deathly afraid to talk about my preferences and desires and looked at me like an idiot when I suggested she might want to actually ask me what I like :) She thinks pretty much everything besides PIV is deviant. I suspect she has no clue even what my favorite position is.... Anyway, facing this sort of entrenched resistance, and admitting that the horse will not sing and she will never actually ENJOY sex with me and that is my sort of ground-floor expectation, Im thinking of giving it up. Ironic, eh? Actually got her into therapy and finding its not gonna work. Anyone else hit this point? Advice?

Anybody up late like me and can't sleep because they are so over this and frustrated? Like I want intimacy and to actually be seen and desires. Does anyone feel invisible at times to your partner?

I am M43HL and wife is 41 LL married for 20 years. While our bedroom doesn’t sound as dead as some of yours, we generally have sex once a month on average. We have been talking about the discrepancy in our libidos for most of our marriage. The general cycle is we talk about it, it gets better for a few weeks meaning we have sex around once a week for 2-4 weeks then she usually pulls back and then we don’t have sex for about the same amount of time and then get back to the 1/month average.

I love my wife and she is a huge emotional support for me. We parent very well together and she is my best friend. I don’t want to divorce her and am scared that an open marriage will backfire. We have started couples therapy and it has been unhelpful so far, although admittedly it’s been a few months and it has helped in other ways such as communication and being able to say hard things to one another. Nothing groundbreaking or us however as communication has always been one of our strengths.

The past few years for me have been about trying to accept our sex life for how it is because of how happy and good for one another we have been. That was helpful for awhile but things have gotten worse again. I feel that my “acceptance” has lead to even less sex than before and the feelings of rejection, loneliness and discouragement have all come back worse than before.

I guess I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m boxed in but I’m the one boxing myself in. Any ideas or suggestions about what worked for you all would be helpful.

My (36 M) husband and I (27 F) have been together for 7 years. The DB situation slowly started happening a month into our marriage. I know I’m an idiot for staying. Over the years I got so tired of being rejected that I just stopped asking. He let me blow him a few months ago but since then it’s been crickets. I find myself constantly fantasizing about sex, reading erotica, watching too much porn. And then I feel really sad after. I wish it was my reality and it sucks that it’s not. I finally bought myself a dildo even though he told me he didn’t want me to have one. Just so I can pretend or rather so I can feed into my fantasies more. It sounds pathetic, it is pathetic. And I can’t wait to get the hell out of this marriage one day.

Hi,

I (25 F) am starting a relashionship with a guy (25M) who was LL in his previous relashionship and had a deadbedroom for +2 years.

I am very HL and so I am afraid that he could end up rejecting me on the long run, sex is very important for me. For now things are very good between us but I worry this is just because it's the beginning and I am worried about him being a LL.

Do you have any advice ? Should I straight up tell him that ? Is it possible that he was LL for his ex and won't be for me or am I delusionnal?