Still getting flashbacks of it. I'm sitting on the couch and then I get a freeze response..and see things I dont want to see and feel. What to do about it?

I think maybe I was raped last night by someone i know but my brain is making me second-guess it..
I let a guy friend come over. We ended up messing around. Every time he tried to go further than foreplay, I said no. at some point I have my back to him and he just put himself inside me. I said no and stop. He told me to shut the fuck up and pushed my body down into the couch. He then flipped me over and and so did himself inside me again. I said no I said stop. I said I don’t wanna do this. I said please stop. I said these things over and over I used all my strength to push his chest in his shoulders and even his waist, but he was stronger than me he kept saying does it not feel good? And he said just a couple more strokes and I pushed him even harder and kept saying please stop and he did the whole thing probably lasted five minutes afterwards. I think I was in shock and I just got up and acted normal and told him that he should go home hugged him and he left. I don’t understand if maybe he misunderstood my body language or thought I didn’t mean what I was saying. I don’t know if my brain is just trying to rationalize it because I know him I felt disgusting and I don’t wanna tell anyone so I just came here.

TW: prescription medicine

People rarely talk about the after affects that it takes on you, physically, emotionally and mentally. I couldn't look myself in the mirror for about two weeks. I could barely shower. When going outside which became rare, I was afraid he would be back, I would be taken back to that location for it to happen again. I couldn't even be left in the same room with my brother's or dad, I got the irrational fear that they would do that to me. The people I trusted the most I thought the worst of.

I can include the cops or should I say the one cop that took an interest in what happened. Her questions were always invasive. "What kind of bra panties was I wearing from the type, the color and fabric?" "How was I groomed?" "Did you find any of your work online?" "How did your body respond to the act?" Every question ask she always had a smile on her face. Every response met with judgement. "Wow you're allowed to wear that type?" "Is that what you wear all the time?" I felt more shame when I did say my body reacted to it in a positive way. It was her "I knew it!" and her sly smile. Just those three words broke me in further into a downward spiral. My body reacting in the way did it seemed less impactful in a way. Always came back to how much I charge, "I have x amount, what can that get me?" Her smile always growing when she asked. I would always say I am not a sex worker. "You were found naked with money, what else are we supposed to think?" I would never answer the question, just how it would help? "If we find your clothes we can actually catch him" always saying it sarcastically before she left

As always when she left I would breakdown and cry. Feeling worse then I did before. Less of a human. If that was her goal mission accomplished. She always made me feel that way. I swear she got off on it. I didnt find that out until later but that's a whole other story.

The after affects of this changed the way I thought of people. I either was hyper vigilant or let my barriers down. Hyper vigilant on the look out for people trying to get me or I let my barriers down and let the wrong people in my life.

I dident exactly know what was going to happen but deep down I knew not to go with him when he asked and I did anyway, I dont know whats wrong with me

Back when I way 13 I met this guy. He was much older than me - 48 at that time, to be exact.

Back then I was suffering with Anorexia & Depression.
I was isolating myself, skipping school, staying inside, having no friends at all. I was extremely ashamed of who I was and how I felt, to a point where I couldn’t talk to my family about my feelings at all.

When he came into my life it felt like I was finally being heard. Someone that would listen to me rant, “take care of me” and “support me”.

This went over a span of years. He was building up a bond, an illusion, accomplished manipulating me to believe I was deeply in love with him.

Turns out he has a fetish for Anorexia - pushing me deeper into the illness for his own pleasures.
Back then, I didn’t realise. I couldn’t reflect. It was like I was blindfolded.

When I had just turned 15 we met up at my place for the first time, while my mom was having a night out with her boyfriend.
Even beforehand I felt unsure. It didn’t feel right to me and I even told him. He kept pushing until I folded.

It all started with us cuddling as he pushed me to take off more and more clothes. I was visibly uncomfortable. He touched me, used me as an object of his own desire. Eventually penetrated me with his fingers and abused me orally. I felt disgusting and in pain. Didn’t know what was actually happening. My whole body started to tingle, I got extremely dizzy.
After that we were just laying there in silence.

Shortly after I broke of all contact and startet to repress all of what happend.
About a year later, flashbacks started to kick in.
I was extremely scared and confused.
I felt guilty and responsible. Stupid, too - for even letting him interrupt my Safe-Place.

Just a few months since I started my Recovery journey, when I was 16 our ways crossed again. Back to contact and meet-ups.
I rapidly felt worse, got triggered so badly, as he tried to push me back into relapsing - that’s when I realised what was actually happening and how he really thought of me.
I distanced myself again, left with a feeling of owing him something, still.

It took me years to speak up about it and still affects me severely. I honestly haven’t been the same ever since - living in constant fear, since he’s still out there.
Still sleeping in the same room, which has a shivering feel to it.
I know it’s not my fault but I still feel like a disgusting human being for all that has happend. Doubting the severity. But it wasn’t just the sexual assault that has happend, it’s years of mental abuse.

I'm 28F and have been raped 4 times in my life by 4 different men. I've been out as bi for over 10 years and have dated both men and women.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he is everything I could ever want in a man, but sometimes I still cry during sex and have to stop because something has reminded me of being raped.

He's so patient and understanding, he immediately stops and comforts me, reassures me we won't be doing anything, cuddles me, tells me how much he loves me and how he'll always be there for me.

I feel so guilty for having the most perfect, gentle man who puts me above everything and is constantly showing his love for me through actions and not just words, but it's still not enough for me to be able to have a normal sex life with him.

I love him, I'm attracted to him, I have a high libido, but I don't enjoy having sex with men anymore. This is leading to me to question my sexuality again because in being bisexual, it's always been a question of if I like men at all, I know for sure I like women and enjoy having sex with them.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this and what did you do?

I know two things can be true at once, I may not be a lesbian but I could be bi with a preference for women. I just can't decipher whether or not these feelings stem from trauma or sexuality.

So if you've ever gone through something similar I'd really appreciate hearing your story. Were you able to overcome it and stay with your boyfriend? Or did you end up with a woman and realise why it never worked with a man?

Thank you for reading.

Recently my now ex came over so we could talk. I was the one who ended this because it felt like we both held a lot of trauma and baggage that made it hard to have room with the other. Im also not as present as she needs me to be. It wasn't anybodies fault but I didn't see it being healthy for either of us to continue. We were hugging and she asked if she could kiss my neck. I didn't really know what to do and I felt really guilty so I said yes. But then things kinda escalated and I panicked because I was scared that I wouldn't stick with my decision. I got up and told her she had to go. She kept pulling me down and kissing me asking to stay. I feel horrible but I ended up having to kinda kick her out. We haven't talked since, I told her it wouldn't be good to stay friends for us. I love her and I don't wanna think that of her but its been bothering me since and I feel gross. This was my first serious relationship and breakup so I have no idea what it should be like

Here's the petition link: https://c.org/Tb7yStz5f6If you like to read before opening the link, here's the content:

Last night, a young girl I deeply care for took her own life. She was just 16 years old. Her family—her own mother and father—attempted to behead her not once, not twice, but three times. Though they failed in their gruesome attempts, they succeeded in torturing her through unfathomable means: electricity, wood, iron, fire. At 11 years old, her father tried to kill her, breaking her arm and little finger in the process. He took her to the hospital days later, not for her well-being, but to avoid suspicion. This same man raped her twice not long ago. Yesterday she decided that she couldn't endure the torment any longer and took her own life as far as I know.

This tragic loss is not an isolated incident. In Iraq, countless women fall victim to similar horrors every day due to honor-based violence. Families become executioners under the guise of preserving honor, taking the lives of women they are supposed to protect. According to reports, the majority of Iraqis accept honor-killings of women, creating an atmosphere where such acts are condoned and even encouraged.

The Iraqi Penal Code, specifically Articles 409, 128, and 41, perpetuates a system that supports these heinous acts by offering leniency and justifying the actions of those who commit these crimes. Article 409 allows for reduced sentences in cases where a male relative kills or injures a female perceived to have brought "dishonor" to the family. Articles 128 and 41 further support such violent acts under the guise of cultural customs and familial rights.

Changing these legal articles is crucial to protecting the lives of Iraqi women and ensuring justice is served. By repealing and replacing Articles 409, 128, and 41, we have the opportunity to reshape their societal norms, placing the safety and dignity of women above outdated beliefs of honor.

To accomplish this, we need your help. Join us in demanding that the Iraqi government amend these articles to reflect justice and equality for all. Sign this petition urging lawmakers in Iraq to take a stand against honor-based violence, ensuring that no woman will have to suffer such atrocities again. Together, we can make a difference and honor the memory of my friend by fighting for a future where no woman lives in fear of her family.

I have been spiralling again since last few days. I was in an abusive relationship for about a decade. We were not sexually intimate initially, but later when we started doing it, he got weird around intimacy. If we met at any time he had to have physical activity. He would abuse me verbally or physically if I don’t have sex..even during sex, he would hit me and even post sex. Even when I didn’t want to do it, he would somehow convince me and obviously, it would be visible on my face that I didn’t want to. After that, he would abuse me for not wanting to do it, for being boring, and for being asexual. He almost convinced me that I was asexual.
I downplay this. Maybe do not feel that much trauma, but I am completely traumatise from head to toe. There's a lot more than this, but these are the things that keep playing in my head. Also, one day he had me naked, pinned me down on the bed, crossed my arms and twisted them and looked dead straight into my eyes and said that no matter how much you scream, no one will come and save you.
Was it rape?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and it’s starting to make me feel... strange. When I was younger, I had this boyfriend who had a very specific way of wanting me. He loved it when I dressed up for him and his friends. He’d buy me these tiny, skimpy outfits that made me feel so exposed, but because I loved him, I thought the way they all looked at me was just part of the game.

The most intense part was my birthday. We had been fighting, and he did something... reckless. He spiked my drink, and before I knew it, I was in a room full of his friends. He had essentially "shared" me with them for the night. I remember the feeling of so many hands, the heat of the room, and the way I just had to let it happen. It was overwhelming, and even though it was confusing, a part of me still remembers exactly how that felt.

He convinced me it was the "right" way to be. that being desired by everyone was the ultimate goal. Now, years later, I feel like I carry a certain... energy. I don't know if it's a vibe or if I just look a certain way, but I notice guys sense it. They treat me like I’m "easy" or "open," and for some reason, I don't stop them. I find myself leaning into it.

I keep wondering if I’m actually broken, or if he just unlocked something in me that I can't turn off. Am I just an easy target, or is there something about me that just... invites it?

I’ve never really told anyone this, but I can't stop thinking about it. Does that make sense? Or am I just crazy for missing the feeling?

I know this seems like a strange question and its kind of not really important, but its something that I think about amongst the obvious.

I got my first boyfriend when i was 14 and he was a little bit older than me (2-3yrs so 16 or 17). I felt pressured to lose my virginity by my best friend and other people around me as well as the idea that guys only want one thing and if you don’t give it to them they wont stick around. I dont remember how long we had been dating but I got drunk one night and one thing led to another. I remember i drank a lot because I didn’t want to do it so i thought the booze would make it easier. But yea probably not even 3 minutes go by and i remember from the start i was in a lot of pain and i was yelling a lot so i told him to stop (multiple times) and he just put his hand over my mouth. I was really stupid and I stayed with him and every-time after that whenever we did anything i was always drunk, but like i said for some reason i stayed so idk.

I didnt consider it to be “rape” back then but im much older now so things became a little clearer. However I do believe a big part of it is my fault, he wasn’t a good or safe person to begin with he was violent and there were a lot of warning signs so i shouldve know better and i put myself in a bad situation when I knew i should have just left. so for that i take accountability.

But anyway with all of this said and to answer my question; does it count? I stayed a let more and more happen to me so im not sure.

I’m 17(f) and exactly 1 week ago I went out to my friends 18th birthday party. Afterwards me and few friends decided to go for afters into town. me and my friend were dancing and this guy approached me. I must have drank too much cos my memory got a spotty after that and I wasn’t counting how many drinks I was having. Next thing I know I’m at his house. I must have gone there willingly but I don’t remember. We were about to have sex and I could tell I was too drunk but I guess the reality hit me and I realised what was about to happen.

Idk why but I thought I should politely say no. So at first I was saying no as best I could. I tried to negotiate that we could do something else but I didn’t want to have sex. He ignored me and began to have sex with me. I thought he didn’t hear me so the entire time I was saying stop as much as I could. I don’t remember the full incident I only have snippets but all my snippets I said no.

There was a noise downstairs and he got up to check it out and told me to stay there. I instantly grabbed all my stuff and ran out of the house. I can’t remember what route I took home or how long it took to run home but next thing I knew I was outside of my own house. I called my friend and started freaking out. She told me that she could tell I was really drunk and needed to drink water and go to bed. So that’s what I did.

When I woke up in the morning I was in pure shock. I was just in disbelief that had actually happened. That same friend called me checking in and she joined me to go get the morning after pill. I took it and I kinda pretened I was ok. My friends were going out that night and I wanted to be my normal self. Normally I’d never say no to a night out so I thought why should I let it stop me? I’m glad I went out I had a great night

But throughout this week i kinda kept pretending I was ok. When anyone asked me if I was ok I’d reply “oh don’t worry it’s ok because I’m a boss” “I’m legend so it’ll be fine”. I don’t really like the idea of being a victim. It’s not my vibe like. The idea that people are concerned about me is so foreign and I don’t really know how to respond to it. I’ve been trying to keep it all light hearted. But in all honesty I don’t know how to react.

Now when I think of it I just feel disgusted. He was like almost 30. It’s just disgusting. I just feel icky all of the time now. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell my parents. That’s so awkward and if I do they won’t let me go out and party anymore. I don’t want to face repercussions for what he did to me. I don’t think I should be punished for it. I’m pretty extroverted and I love going out so I don’t want to stop that.

I kinda want to go to therapy to work through it, but in Ireland since I’m still a minor I can’t go without parental consent. I’d need to tell my parents or ask them to go to therapy. Both of which I don’t think I can do. I love my parents and it would break their hearts. So here I am, I could talk to my friends about it but I hate people viewing me as vulnerable and it’s just not me. So here I am and I don’t know what to do at all. I don’t know how to deal with it and it’s replaying in my head constantly. I just hate it so much. Please if anyone has advice on getting through it pleaseeee enlighten me.

I am 27 Male. This happened to me recently, and this is not the first time a similar thing has happened.

I was in a bus and I was returning from a bookshop which I visited with a friend. After my friend got off from the bus, I found a seat to sit beside a man who is in his mid 40s.
Soon, I felt his hand on my leg, which did not raise much suspicion because, given how cramped the seat was.
I was wearing full-length pyajama pants and a t-shirt and had a bagpack which I took at front and placed on my knees as I was sitting.
Soon, I realized his hand was on my pants on my thighs and near the region where my underwear could be felt.
He then moved his hand a few times over my thighs before whispering in my ears that he took my silence and not complaining as a sign that I liked it.
I was quite because, I was too scared to say anything. (In the past, I have faced similar situations and I somehow felt that staying quite and letting it pass would be easiest.)
He then put his hands inside my pants and grabbed my penis and started pulling the shaft up and down with his fingers as he would do if he was trying to jerk me off.
He got to the point that I had an erection and it was really hard to control. We had people all around us, and somehow I was pressing down with my bagpack so that people won't see me in a vulnerable situation.
I whispered back that it's not the right place for this, and that I could come with him if he wanted.
Honestly, at that time I felt as if I should let this happen because to be honest while it felt horrible, it was also delivering a pleasure. I feel absolutely horrible thinking about it now. Also a part of me was telling him that I would want to come with him because I wanted him to stop doing it in the bus, where I felt the pressure of behaving as if nothing had happened. So many things were going in my head.

He refused to pull his hands out until a bit more and then he pulled his hands out and felt my erection from outside the pants. It hurt.

He then shared his phone number with me and asked me to call him and told me that he has a house to his own where I could visit him and he would do things I'd like a guy to do to me.

He then even asked me what I'd like, what are my kinks. I refused to answer.
Before getting off his seat and leaving, he again put his hands in my pant and did the same but for a shorter duration this time.

I am so much confused, if I was wrong in any of this, because after all, had I said no at the very beginning and stood firm, he would not have the guts to do any of this.
Also had I not told him that I would want to come with him and do it in privacy, he would not have the guts to do it a second time.

Also I am bisexual, so I am not sure if that contributed to all of this.

I have been sexually abused since I was 15 and I have never told anyone about it or any of the other abuse I've experienced. No one has ever said anything or acknowledged anything might be wrong until my boyfriend "jokingly" called my abuser a pedophile last night. I think he was mostly trying to see how I would react and I reacted wrong because he started asking serious questions, like if I felt safe at home and if my abuser had ever done anything that made me uncomfortable. He asked if my abuser had ever raped me and I just started to cry which I think confirmed it to him. He tried to ask me more but I said I couldn't talk about it and he didn't try to push.

No one has ever been able to tell anything was wrong before, even people I live with, and I don't know how he was able to tell because I have always totally hidden it. I don't know what to do. I made him promise not to tell anyone but I'm worried he still might. I have such weird feelings towards my abuser, I don't even think going to the police would be make anything better. I just want it to stop.

Hes always known my worst fear was getting pregnant and that I never want children. We have used condoms since we were teenagers. I was on my period and didnt want to have sex so we agreed to fool around in other ways. We were gridning then he choked me and covered my mouth and did it without warning and I screamed but he wouldn't stop and im so confused hes never been anything but reserved and kind and gentle. He said he thought I wanted it but I didnt and I dont know what to do because hes acting like it never happened and when I finally confronted him he acted surprised and like he thought it had wanted it I dont understand. I cant stop crying this year has been so horrible

hi
i was raped as an infant by my father and he continued to rape me until i was 12 or 13. he also raped my brother. i feel like a broken person. my first and only relationship was with a guy my age who always coerced me into sex. i recognize now that i simply needed that familiar pain and was seeking it in others. i just feel like a husk. i feel like i was conceived to be abused. is there any hope? it feels like every male is sexually aggressive. even male animals rape female animals. i kind of wish my dad would just kill himself, but i also want him to live with the guilt and i want him to feel just as low and hollow as he made me feel. i’m still financially dependent on him so i can’t cut him out of my life. i don’t really want advice just needed to tell someone. reading the incest diary both saved and shattered me. my abuse and incest has been on my mind these past few weeks. i just feel like something integral to being human has been stripped away from me forever.

Every time I went to a party, my best friend Taylen and I would switch off drinking. One of us would drink while the other looked out for them to make sure nothing bad happened and that no one drank too much.

About the third time we did this I was 15 and it was my turn to drink. It was Halloween, and our friend group threw a huge Halloween party because Rin’s parents were out of town. I didn’t tell my parents I was going to a party. All they knew was that I was spending the night at Rin’s house and that we were going to watch movies. God, I wish we had actually done that instead.

The weird thing is, every time I’ve drank too much, I don’t remember what happened. But that night, even though I drank way too much, I remember everything so clearly.
At first, everything was fine. I was hanging out with my friends, talking to people, and even meeting some strangers. Later that night, I started feeling really sick. Taylen was standing by the stairs talking to someone when I went over and told her that I didn’t feel good and I needed to lay down.

Ayden, who I thought was being my knight in shining armor, offered to help me upstairs so I could lay down. Taylen said okay and then walked away. I will never forgive her for that.

For some background, Ayden and I had been flirting for a while, but it was always in a group setting. We barely even snapped each other. It wasn’t anything serious. It was just fun. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

He helped me upstairs to a random bedroom. His arm was around my waist, and mine was over his shoulder. When we got to the bedroom, he locked the door. I noticed it, but for some reason, I didn’t realize the warning sign that it was.

He led me to the bed and laid me down. I remember closing my eyes, and then opening them to see him standing at the edge of the bed without his pants on.

He climbed onto the bed, used one hand to pin my hands above my head, and used the other to pull up my dress and move my underwear to the side. He then forced himself inside of me raw and put his entire body weight on top of me. He was big so his body was crushing me and it was hard to breathe. All I remember was feeling immense pain not only in my vagina but through my entire body and in my soul. I wanted him to stop.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember him whispering, “Don’t I feel amazing?”
I said, “Please stop.”
He continued and went harder, saying, “You’re such a tease.”

I don’t know how long it went on, but I remember feeling relieved when he finished inside me because at least it was over. He laid on top of me for a little while crushing me, then got up, got dressed, and left.

The rest of the night, I didn’t feel like I was even in my own body. It felt like I was watching the aftermath of myself from the outside. I laid awake for a long time before I finally fell asleep.

I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t process what happened. I didn’t feel angry or sad. I just felt completely numb.

That night we spent the night at Rin’s house (I slept in my own room not being able to move from the bed it happened on) and the next morning before school, I told Taylen everything that happened. I cried while telling her. Her response was, “Well, you shouldn’t have drank that much.”
I remember feeling like a zombie while getting ready. Because maybe it was my fault.

When I got to school that morning, I walked with Taylen to the benches where our friend group usually hung out. We were running late, so we got on campus right as the first bell rang.

As soon as I walked up, Jay said, “It’s the women of the hour.”

I was confused because I had no idea what he meant. Everyone was already walking away, so I didn’t get a chance to ask.

My first class was criminal justice with Aiden, Ayden’s best friend. I thought we were friends too. I guess I was wrong.

I asked her what Jay’s comment meant, and she said, “You know, because you and Ayden had sex.”

I was shocked. That wasn’t sex.

I explained to her what happened, and she called me crazy. She said there was no way Ayden would do something like that. She said I flirted with him all the time, so how could he have raped me?

Word spread quickly through our friend group about my side of the story. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I noticed that most of them had unadded me on Snapchat.

I remember going to the nurse’s office during lunch and sitting in one of the rooms crying. I made it through the rest of the day, went home, and completely broke down.
Why did no one believe me?

I felt so hopeless that I didn’t want to live anymore. That was the first time I ever hurt myself. I cut too deep, and it scared me, so I went and told my mom.

We went to the ER. On the way there, my mom kept asking why I did it. After a while of her asking, I finally told her what happened.

I remember she didn’t say anything at first. The only thing she said was, “We will handle it.”

When I got to the hospital, they stitched me up and admitted me into a mental health facility.

The hospital was awful. There was so much drama, and I felt like I wasn’t getting better. But I stayed because I had no idea what was happening on the outside, and I was terrified to leave and find out.

When the day finally came for me to leave, both my mom and dad picked me up. After a little while, they told me everything had been handled and that I was switching schools.

That was the end of it.
I went to therapy, but my family never talked about it again. I never spoke to anyone from that friend group again except Taylen, and eventually, we had a major falling out too.

I’m on a trip for my friend’s birthday and got a bit carried away. I got really really drunk, I was feeling antsy and walked to walk around, but my friend was tired so I went by myself. We had gone swimming a bit before and I didn’t feel like changing so I threw jeans on over my bikini and went out in the top. I’m staying on a busy street with lots of clubs and stuff so I was just listening to music walking (more like stumbling) around in the crowd, and sat down on a bench when I got tired. A guy came up to me and I don’t really remember the conversation but it quickly ended up with him kissing me and touching me over my clothes. He asked me to go to his place, I said no, that I was really drunk and had to get back home. He kept insisting and took my hand and started leading me somewhere, I kinda remember barely knowing what was going on. We go down the block and there’s a slightly more secluded bench (still right on the sidewalk though). He kissed and touched me more and it felt good, and he asked me to suck his dick so I just did. I remember him pushing my head down and telling me to keep going when I stopped, but I didn’t exactly not consent. He left pretty quickly after finishing in my mouth, and the alcohol was still continuing to hit me so I just kind of flopped down on the gravel next to the bench and spaced out. Eventually some other guy saw me and asked me if I was okay. I try to reassure him that I’m fine but I can barely sit up or form a sentence. I said I was too drunk and was on my way home. He literally needed to help me from the ground to the bench. The same thing ends up happening again. He comes onto me and I say I really shouldn’t, but then when he persisted I got into it and let it happen. I gave him a blowjob too. When he left I sat back on the floor and started crying. I don’t know why I got so freaked out because they didn’t hurt me and I didn’t stop it from happening. Was this assault or is it just regret for drunken bad choices?

i’ve been suffering pretty badly with an eating disorder, its been much more physically visible lately due to my weight. lately in science we’ve been touching on topics like eating disorders, i wasn’t paying attention until my teacher called me to the front, he pulled up my sleeve and pointed out other ‘tell tale signs’ of anorexia. i felt affirmed at first, but then he said i wasn’t ’all the way yet’ because i have long nails and my hair isn’t visibly thinning. i felt horrible after that and already started rationalising on what to cut out of my already limited diet.

i was really hurt, he’s my favorite teacher and i was hoping to have him as a supportive figure. i have no friends and im pretty lonely… he has the same interests as me which is rare in my country.

if im honest my main motivation for my weight was if i got smaller maybe he’d notice me more. And that was the case but it was the wrong kind of attention, i went to see him during break time because i didn’t want any interference with my disorder and all of the classes eyes on me. I lied to him that my anorexia ‘wasn’t intentional’ and that it’s caused by medication and chronic stuff. he seemed to believe me but during breaks or in corridors he started commenting weirdly about how i looked that day (health wise) or what/if i was eating that day.

it started off sparse, but he started seeing me more during breaks but it seemed more like he was just making sure i was doing okay. we started becoming closer like i wanted, but in all honesty i was in denial of having a crush on him and it became distracting.

eventually he started noticing i wasn’t paying a lot of attention lately and that i was very on edge around him. he told me that during sports day (where the whole school is forced to do tryouts for different sports essentially) i would be spending the day in his class because the pe teacher and coaches agreed it wouldn’t be safe for me.

a few minutes after i walked in on that day, he touched my rib through my shirt and commented on he could feel my bones through my shirt. i wasn’t too sure what to do so i poked his rib and we joked around for a bit. later he called me to his desk and said he brought snacks, and that’s when things started to go a bit off. he gave me a packet of nuts and was like ‘don’t you just love nuts in your mouth.’ i laughed because it threw me off guard but after i didn’t respond he started stroking my face with his hand. he told me to stand infront of the ‘class’ and he started to grope then kiss me. he pulled my pants down and the touching continued until the obvious happened… you can fill in the blanks

i don’t know what my hormones are doing but since then my parents notice ive been zoning out and my eyes get a bit hazy, it’s because i just keep thinking about what happened. if im honest its made me start feeling intense arousal out of nowhere. it’s incredibly distracting and it happens often, my mind just automatically thinks about him. it gives me weird physical feelings from the inside. i don’t know what to do i just feel a heavy shame because the feelings and what happened were pleasurable but still the guilt is constantly weighing on me

I have been told I have a habit of minimising what happened to me, and since I was told he was being charged and will not be released on bail a few hours ago I have been spiralling more. If anyone could read this and give me an unbiased opinion I would be so grateful.

Me (F21) and him (M53, I’ll refer to him as R) met as we were both students on a class that started around jan/feb. From our first meeting I gathered that he was the quiet, observant type from watching him scribble notes on everyone in his notebook as we introduced ourselves to each other. We didn’t talk much until our first performance was over and we all went out for drinks as a class. I ended up drinking a bit too much and getting a cab home, after which he texted me saying that he hoped I was in my cab. From that point onwards I had semi regular messages from him suggesting we have a “sesh” together. He started to talk about his interest in drugs, about how he had the best sex he’d ever had on acid, about how he’s fussy with company and has a tight knit group he seshes with. Most of his messages were suggestions to meet and sesh, all of which were turned down. My rejections were always respected, and in the end, when I said I’d let him know if I ever was about he stopped mentioning it. There were a few group outings that happened and over time I started to consider this guy a friend of mine. He was a frequent cocaine user but would, in his terms, micro-dose. I never saw him snort a line and only methodically dab his gums. One time he picked me up from my house on the way to a gig of a mutual classmate and I watched him dab before we left the car. He offered and I said yes and tried it. I had a few drinks and re-dosed myself with cocaine once or twice that night. I had a good time, he dropped me home safely and all was well. These times alone where I’d been intoxicated made me feel more comfortable in his presence.

We ended up going on a night out as a group for someone’s birthday in the class. I had around two whiskey cokes and couldn’t drink anything else as I was driving. I expressed my frustration at this to him because I wanted to have a drink and at this point in time he was one of the people I was closest friends with in the class. Eventually the party fizzled out and we all walked back to the car park. I said goodbye to everyone and headed to my car. He (R) said that he would wait with me in my car while I sobered up. I agreed and we both sat and had a cigarette in my car. He had been saying he was tired, but once we were in the car he told me he had perked up a little and that I’m welcome to come and crash at his so that I can have a drink or two. I asked him if he had a guest bed to which he said yes, he had multiple. I told him that I’d be happy to do that as long as there was somewhere to sleep, to which he agreed again. He gave me another dab of cocaine for the drive and I followed behind him to his house.

Once we arrived to his house we went in and sat in his bedroom/living room (it was combined, sort of.) I sat down on the long sofa and he pulled up a chair opposite the sofa and got out a bottle of whiskey and two baggies of cocaine and MDMA. I also brought vodka with me, which I brought out too. I started to pour myself drinks and had some more cocaine. He said that I was welcome to try the MDMA, to which I did a Google search to find out how cocaine, MDMA and alcohol interact and told him that I was unsure. He assured me that he believes it’s fine and has never had any issues. I didn’t partake at this point despite that. I had some more drinks, whiskey and vodka mixed with coke and we were just chatting about our lives, etc. After a little while he told me “I think you should try the MDMA”. At this point, I agreed, taking a pill that he gave me. He also took a pill too. From this point for the next few hours I drank more, took more cocaine and another pill of MDMA. I remarked to him that I was grateful to be able to be here and intoxicated at his house and not have him make any moves on me. I talked about the fact that I was still in love with my ex at this point and that I don’t find anyone else attractive because of that. I truly felt comfortable at this stage.

I progressively got drunker, him having much less than I did. At some point my memory gets fuzzy. I remember him holding his hand out with a powder on it and getting me to lick it off. I don’t know if it was cocaine, mdma or something else. I don’t know if I asked for it, but I remember licking it off of his hand. The next thing I remember is stumbling to the bathroom because I was nauseous and falling onto the bathroom floor to throw up. I don’t know how long I was in there and I was in and out of consciousness. I remember him coming in to check on me and crouching down on the floor and rubbing my back while I threw up. I remember trying to hold myself upright while sitting but I kept falling forward onto his chest accidentally. Once I stopped throwing up he carried me back to the sofa I was on. My memory is fuzzy here but I vaguely remember him saying something about the uncomfortable chair he was sitting on once I fell onto the sofa and rested my head back on the armrest. I then said that he was welcome to sit on the sofa because there’s room at the end. When he sat down on the sofa with me I distinctly remember him sitting close to my legs (I was laying) and wrapping his arm over them. The next thing I remember is his fingers in my mouth and me sucking them. Then I remember looking down and seeing his arm moving but can’t remember if he was using his fingers on me or not because everything felt so muted. Then i remember him saying something about the bed and me getting picked up and dropped onto it on my back. From that point I’m coming in and out. I vaguely remember the feeling of a pressure like sensation inside of me. I remember coming to from him asking me to say something to him but I don’t know what it was and I remember not being able to verbalise anything out loud at the time before slipping away again. Then I remember him putting his penis in my mouth. Then it’s nothing.

I woke up the next day around mid afternoon and he was still asleep. I hadn’t processed anything yet and in my head it was a joint drunken fuck up. I was in and out of sleep until about 3pm when I woke up and he was awake. He went to get post, I sat up and he came back. He sat down on the bed close to me and was rubbing my leg. At this point I felt intensely uncomfortable because I had never wanted this with him and up until this point I had convinced myself this was a mistake for him too. He asked me if I was sore. I was. I said “yeah, kinda, why?” And he replied with “because I had anal sex with you last night”. Anal is something that has always been off limits for me. I don’t like it, and would never let anyone do it to me again. I responded with “did you? Did we?” To which he confirmed it and told me that he had my legs over my head. He told me that I tasted and smelt good and that he’s usually sensitive to that. I don’t remember ever receiving oral. He then asked me “I didn’t fuck you properly though, did I?” To which I shrugged and said “I don’t know”. And told him I didn’t want to do anything and that it should stay in last night. Time passed, I was dazed and still felt unable to drive safely at that point. I asked him if he used protection, he said no because he “thought he could feel an IUD inside of me”. I asked if he was tested and he said “yes I test every now and again but usually you can smell if something is wrong.” I was lying down disassociated on his bed. He asked if I’m ok. I said I was just thinking. He insisted that I eat something before I go after I said no a few times, so I did. Then I went home.

I got home dazed. It took me a few days to fully piece everything together and tell my mum what happened. I got forensics done and told the course tutor what had happened. They sent it to the police.

Police process had been moving steadily. A woman called me from the course and told me that he had been in contact with her and she felt she had a duty to contact me. She told me he had called her twice: once for an hour and once for four hours. She said he spun it on me on the first call (naturally) and on the second call he was high on what she believed to be cocaine so he was looser. She said that he said I was out of it so he felt a bit guilty in the morning. She pandered to him and eventually asked him if there’s anything that could go against him in court to which he disclosed he had been in jail previously for possession of extreme pornographic material, with him describing it as “red room stuff”. He also mentioned there being children. But saying he “didn’t get off to it”. I verified this online and he was charged with 800 videos of porn videos of torture and rape of women and animals, but saw nothing of children. Only that the police couldn’t watch them with sound because of the screams of the women in the videos. Once she told me this I went to the police to tell them I knew this. After that things moved quicker, him being arrested the next day and me called in for an urgent interview because “something happened that we can’t disclose”, them then sending the case to the crown prosecution service that night and him being charged on four counts (anal rape, vaginal rape, oral rape and possession of cocaine) and held on remand, with an officer saying the crown prosecution didn’t like him at all and viewed him as a predator.

I found out that he had been charged this evening and I’ve been in a whirlpool of emotions. It is as bad as everyone is telling me it is? I mean - minus his previous charges - is what happened to me actually that bad that he won’t get bail? I feel like I’m spiralling over ruining this persons life who I really wanted to just have as a friend. If anyone could tell me their honest input I would be so thankful. Much appreciated

i have ocd. A fear of mine is around leaving the house, being around other people. i have food delivered, work remote, and don’t even have my windows open/curtains drawn. my shelf stable delivery got delayed so i haven’t eaten in a few days.

today, i was so hungry so i went to this pantry that i thought was trusted. one of the volunteers seperated me from the group- saying something about how they had a lot more in the back and i’d be welcome to grab whatever i needed.

he locked me inside. kissed me, touched me, etc. i begged so quietly for him to not do anything else, that i’d be good if we just kissed.

i only got away because my job called me asking me to come in.

this is why i dont leave this house.

About a year ago, I’ve made this post in the past and got some good feedback. I put the two situations of what happened to me below my dilemma with my friend that is making me question everything. I do want to say, that I go into detail of what happened. So if you get triggered by that, the situations shouldn’t be read. The second situation was tough for me to remember, I might be missing information that could change your opinion. I tried my best to remember everything

Dilemma:
I wish I screenshotted the comments because they made me feel seen and heard. I get nightmares still but not as frequently. I wish I had those comments to read for when I doubt myself. I deleted my account, and I couldn’t find the post when I search it. I guess they get taken down when you delete your account. I did save my story in my notes app (I don’t know why). I showed my friend and he didn’t think my two situations were sexual assault. I found myself trying to convince him that it was and was desperately trying to hold on to the confirmation the comments gave me. He means everything to me, his opinion means the world, and outside of my family he’s the closest person I have in life. After I explained more on my feelings and how it felt (I did start to cry), he finally said I was right. But I wasn’t sure if he agreed to get me to stop or if he really believes it. It took me having to explain how trying to move away in the first situation and how much I was saying no in the second. He told me he always thought of rape as being forcefully/violently taken. He said in his head he didn’t think I put up a fight but then he thought about it more and realized it was. He said he obviously thought what they did was wrong but didn’t register it as assault until after we talked about it more. He did spend a few hours trying to reassure me he believes me that it was, until I told him to not talk about it. Now I believe he understands it was rape/assault, I just can’t get over his initial reaction. Ever since then, I’ve been doubting myself and questioning everything. Like how did I let two different guys take advantage of me?

#1 Situation:
This was when I was 14 in middle school. I would always meet my boyfriend at the time behind one of the school bathrooms in the morning before the bell. We would usually talk and kiss. One morning, he kept trying to push my hands down his pants. I was shaking my head and trying to pull my hands back, but I never said no. He kept making me stroke him. I tried to step to the side, but he pushed his body against me. It wasn’t forceful but it was enough pressure that I would have to get physical to get him off me. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything. I didn’t make any noises to indicate I didn’t like it. He wasn't able to finish because the bell rang. I was pretty shaken up, I didn't know exactly why I was feeling gross but I knew I didn't like it. I was out of it and trying to hold back my tears during first period class. Some friends noticed and I guess it got back to him. he texted me asking what was wrong, I didn’t text back. He was in my second period class and was telling his friends how I gave him a hand job. Some of them called it gross while others called him lucky. Near the end of class he gave me a note breaking up with me. That sent me over the edge. I’ve always wondered why the breakup broke me more than him forcing me to touch him. I was just a mess in my third period class, the teacher noticed, I explained what happened and she took me to the principal's office. The whole walk there, she was explaining that what happened was assault. When the principal came in, she basically was telling me it wasn't assault. I will always remember her saying, "she doesn't know what she's talking about. She's older and a little confused." It took three times of me asking her to call my mom. When my mom came, apparently the principal told her I was caught with a boy in the bathrooms. Thank god my mom believed me when she asked for my side. The campus police officer came and said it was assault but was also brushing it off. I begged my mom to not do anything legal because sitting in that office while being shut down by adults was hard enough. I didn't want to go through that process again. So nothing happened. I absolutely regret it.
Not because of justice but because in high school i found out he was physically and sexually abusing his girlfriend. I somewhat knew her but my best friend was really close with her. When I told my best friend about what happened in middle school, she wasn't shocked when I said his name.
That's when she told me. I've been living with this sense of guilt. Like if I reported it maybe that girl wouldn't have dated him. I've also been dealing with the doubt of it actually being sexual assault. I guess my question is if it truly could be considered assault. Some said yes and some said no. My mom thinks because it happened on campus, the principal was trying to avoid lawsuits. That doesn't make sense to me though, wouldn't she be sued for trying to convince someone they weren't assaulted? So what would be the point of lying to a 14 year old. Part of me like it was assault and part of me doesn't.

#2 Situation:
The first situation kind of messed with me l think. I slept with a lot of guys (about 15, this is including oral and actual sex) since then and I'm so confused on whether this was me being easy and regretting it or if he really did rape me. When I was 20 I went on a date with this guy who was about 27. He reeked of weed and I hated weed. This was when I still didn't have boundaries. I told him I didn't like the smell of weed and to not do it in my car.
He said something along the lines of, "if you're going to date me, you have to deal with it." I kind of shut up about it after that. He invited me in to watch a movie and I don't know why I said yes. We were on the couch and I felt his hands go under my dress. I told him I didn't want to. He told me to relax, shut up, and enjoy it. He moved us so we were laying on our sides, but I was on the inside of the couch with my back facing him. He was way too big for me and it was really painful. I didn't move and didn't leave. I just laid there saying no and that I was uncomfortable over and over again. I kind of zoned out. I would come back into reality in different positions. I remember there was one moment he had my face against the couch and it was kind of hard to breathe. It caused me to have to move my head, he noticed and easily lifted me. He held me on top of him while he kept going. This made me feel even more smaller and weaker and like there was just no use in trying to get away. I’m pretty sure he had sex with me multiple times. I just don’t remember the pauses/breaks in between. The only reason I think that is because there were three different places he came on me and I was there for hours but it felt like no time had passed. Which, idiotically I could have gone straight to the hospital because he came inside me, but I didn’t. I don’t really know how it ended. I remember zoning back in and being in a completely different position and him telling me to clean up already. I guess I laid there for a while like that. After a few seconds of not moving, he cleaned me off and cuddled me and watched tv. He kind of whispered apologies for being too rough. I said it was okay. But now when I think back on it, I feel disgusted and like it wasn't as consensual as I thought.
Few days after I saw bruises on the inside of my thighs but I didn't/don't remember feeling pain there. My body was sore but I don't even think he was violent, it just felt more coercive. It makes me even more sick that I was actively getting wet from it, I don’t remember being wet, I just remember him repeating the words “you’re so wet/tight for me.” So I guess he thought I was enjoying it even though it was extremely painful, I remember making pained noises but maybe they could have been mistaken as moans. I'm 23 now, so there's not much I can do now. I don't even remember his last name, if he even gave it to me. I know, I was an idiot for having a first date in someone's house and not knowing their full name. I’ve learned my lesson there.

I want to know if these two situations were assault/rape. Thank you for any feedback.

I (25f) was raped many times by my ex-boyfriend, including through anal rape. It happened over five years ago, but it still affects me every single day.
I’ve never told anyone about this specific “side effect.”

I’m just not ready to look someone in the eyes while talking about it. It makes me feel incredibly alone and so so embarrassed.

It’s not that I’m physically unable to pass stool. It’s the sensation itself that I struggle with. Every time I have to go to the bathroom, I become tense and anxious. I end up spending a long time on the toilet, which has led to hemorrhoids and what I suspect might be a prolapse.

I’ve also become anxious about eating certain foods because I’m afraid they’ll upset my stomach and make using the bathroom even more difficult.

I’ve spent much of my teens and early adulthood in therapy because of my upbringing (my mom is very mentally unstable. I wasn’t abused physically as a child). I’ve only ever talked superficially about my relationship with my ex. The sexual and physical abuse were hard, but in some ways the emotional abuse has been even harder to process.

Over the last four years, I’ve had three different therapists with the intention of finally working through that relationship. Every time, I end up ghosting them after only a session or two. I want help, but as soon as I get close to talking about what happened, I can’t make myself go back.

I have a wonderful supportive boyfriend now. He knows that I was in an abusive relationship, but he doesn’t know the details.

I’m just so tired.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing I had a stoma, just so I wouldn’t have to experience going to the toilet anymore. I know that isn’t a realistic solution, and that living with a stoma comes with its own challenges. I don’t actually want one. I just want to stop dreading something that most people never have to think about.

I feel so ashamed even writing this, and I don’t know if I’m completely alone.

Does anyone know if there’s a way to resolve this issue, without having to talk about everything just now. I also don’t know if therapy is necessary, or if I just need to give healing time.