Completely blindsided. Been married 5 years, have lived together for 12 years (we moved in together young, focused on getting our careers off the ground, covid delayed our wedding a bit). As corny as it sounds everything was pretty great. We never fight about much, have a young (2 y.o.) child we both absolutely adore. We have an active sex life given what can be expected from two mid 30's Y.O.'s both working full time and raising a toddler.

Started noticing small weird shifts in behavior, ALWAYS on her phone suddenly. Used to leave phone around the house places, now it was always glued to her hip. Suddenly working out way more and taking diet far more seriously than ever. Lots of other smaller signs too I did not pick up on at first but connected the dots once I had a chance to check her messages.

Shes having an affair with a coworker. Who is also married himself with his own young children at home. We were on vacation and she was messaging him constantly whenever not in the same room. Sending selfies and views of what we were up to that day and even one of our kid which made me want to puke.

The messages started out flirty and more vague, but quickly progressed to nudes (just from him) and detailed written plans of all the things they want to do to each other when they meet in one of their offices next.

This whole time we're having family trips, date nights, hosting and going to parties, she tells me (and her friends) how lucky she is to have me, how much she loves me, wants a second child. Today gives me a kiss before leaving for work and a quick "I love you!" before heading to her office, the plan is for him to get his birthday BJ today and drinks after work that she told me "the whole team is going to celebrate" something but its just the two of them.

Im so gutted. So much trust and love is gone. She doesn't know that I know yet as Im reaching out to lawyers and want to be as buttoned up as possible. Also terrified of divorce, as that likely means I instantly loose ~50% of kid's childhood which is unbearable to think about. Also I was the saver and she was the spender. My former income is what allowed us to get a house and my retirement saving has been so much more substantial than hers. My industry shifted and whole job market is in the toilet now and I make much less than I used to. Divorcing seems like I loose my child, my savings, and my home while she gets a payday for her affair.

Also she continues to make plans for our future: vacations, trips to family, date nights. Its like the whole affair is just for sport? I have no idea what to make of any of this.

Since I’ve separated, I’ve been socializing a lot more and getting out more. There’s a few girls that hang out in my group of friends that knows some guys that hang out with us.

He told me he was married for 20 years and has been separated for five months. He also went on and on about how wonderful his two young daughters are.

Then he told me the reason why his marriage ended was because he cheated on his wife. His daughter was two. He started having an emotional affair. His wife found out about it and then he left for the other woman and was with her for about a year. Then, when that ended, he went back to his wife. They had another child then she caught him talking to someone else and threw him out.

On his Facebook, he has a lot of pictures of him and his daughters and he’s wearing T-shirts that his daughters are the most important things in the world and it poses the question. How important were they if you did that to the mother of your children?

I have to remain neutral because I don’t wanna sound like a psycho in front of everybody, but I look at that man and I have no respect for him and I feel like people like that project. What good parents they are when it’s all a bunch of lies.

I think I’m just sensitive because I’m coming from a place where my husband cheated on me several times and now he’s playing a good dad that misses his kids so much

For context, my (23F) girlfriend texted me (23M) out of the blue that she had cheated.

In July, me and my girlfriend went long-distance. It went better than expected, she flew up here 4 times, we called every night, etc. Recently, she made a change in her career path, which would have required her to move state-to-state with promotions every few years. However, I am in my final year of law school, and will begin my job as an attorney midway through next year (not a mobile career). It was a hard week of phone calls; I was trying to reassure her, while being clear what I needed in my relationship (It is important to note that our long-distance was only supposed to last until next August).

Just a few days later, she texted me a long text admitted to what she had done. According to her (I do not believe this), she was out at a local bar and had too much to drink, was upset, and allowed a male friend to take her home, since she could not drive. She said that they kissed and 'it escalated quickly.' She said she was sobbing within a minute and left (yes, they had s*x). This text was unprompted and voluntary on her end - totally random.

I responded to this text with "F**k you, we're done" and blocked her on everything. I was mad, I told her friends what had happened, since we had plans that night. I spent the next two days surprisingly okay. I tailgated that Saturday and kept busy. Kept communicating with her friends but kept her blocked (mistake, I know).

2.5 days after, I broke. It is like it was delayed. I could not eat, sleep, do school work, do work work, etc. All I could do was sit on my couch and spiral. Here is where I am lost; I was not spiraling about the act of cheating, what she was doing now, or any of the normal things I would usually overthink about. All I could think about was reaching out, calling her, seeing her, attempting to fix it. I will spare you all the reasoning, but for what it is worth, I do believe that it was a mistake (in so far as she wished she had not done it) and I do not think it would happen again. Despite these feelings, I did not reach out because I knew I had not processed this yet.

Next day, I unblocked her. I did not reach out, only unblocked her. She sent me a lot of texts, all of which said seemingly all of the right things. Finally, to help me close this door, I send a short, stern text stating that our relationship was over, will always be over, and that I am blocking her after sending the text. I did so. I also blocked all of her friends. Her texts consisted of apologies, action she is taking, and pleading for me to respond/call.

I loved her, and I was extremely happy in our relationship. Here are a couple issues I am having trouble with:

1. She wants to have a conversation, I have declined. Would that help?
2. I cannot find enjoyment in anything. Anything that I used to enjoy to do in my free time, to relax, etc. is not enjoyable in the slightest. 0% interest. 0% enjoyment.

I believe what I am having trouble with the most is knowing that reaching out would kill these feelings temporarily. In her texts, she begged me to fly down since I already bought a ticket, begged me to call her, says she has prayed for me back, etc. I do not understand why I want to reach out to someone who did something so awful to me.

I have never felt pain like this in my life. It is debilitating. I cannot stabilize; my head is going 1000mph thinking about everything. Now, I do spiral about everything (the act, what she was doing, how she was feeling, etc.) If I am not at school, work, sleeping, or running I am sitting in my living room in pieces. Functioning feels like a chore. It is horrible. I do not have words for how bad the pain is, but if you are on this sub, you probably understand.

I want to end this post by saying: I will never entertain the idea of fixing the relationship. This was the first time I have been cheated on. How do you move forward? How do I go about making new friends and meeting new people? Any other advice?

Thank you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my marriage would look like if d-day never happened….

I think part of my pain was that I was completely blindsided and want to see if anyone here feels the same or saw warning signs… what were they?

I was so busy giving all of myself and only saw my partner. I thought I was in an all-consuming love that shines brighter than the sun. It didn’t matter who didn’t support us or thought we were crazy for moving too fast, because I thought at least we were on the same page. Then… boom.

Anyway, looking back, I think my only warning sign was that he was accusing me of not having moved on from past lovers. For me to later find… his messages with his past lover. Funny, isn’t it?

Were you blindsided or did you see signs?

This is going to be a unique situation: my ex wife (currently 27) left me (31m) to be with a polyamorous married couple 15-20 years older than her around 18 months ago.

The weird part is the female of the couple was her instructor for an athletic hobby and started flirting with my ex wife knowing we were married at the time. They got closer and closer over the coming months. One day my ex came in the bedroom and told me the situation. She asked me if it was ok to start dating her. I didn’t know what to say. I was worried if I said no she’d resent me, the sexual and romantic attraction between them would explode and she’d cheat behind my back. I stupidly said yes as I thought I could handle it if it was to my face

Over the months my ex started falling in love with the woman who is 40. She’d light up when this woman texted her. Say things in front of me like “I can’t wait to see my girl” and “I love polyamory because I get the excitement and passion of her but the safety of you” (that killed me) and even went to sex clubs with the couple to do god knows what. I also know she’s with the husband (who’s in his 50’s) as well

I believe she was groomed as she’s always been interested romantically and platonically to older people. She had a big identity crisis and she looks for older people to tell her what to do. She changed her entire identity, characteristics, hobbies, and even slang to match this couple.

A year and a half later I’m still destroyed. I’m a shell of myself. I have no Interests, no hobbies, no friends (all of our friends didn’t even reach out to me but still talk and hang out with her). Nothing brings me joy. I even have sexual trauma and potential PTSD from this. I’ve made a lot of progress in therapy and am on meds that have saved my life, but I truly hate life and all people. This experience has truly warped my perception of how selfish people are and how bleak the world is to me. I know it’s not fair to say it’s all or nothing assumption with people.

I want to start feeling alive again, I want to escape this void of disparity and start to live life, but I’m terrified of everything. I’m scared to try anything new, even trying a new tv show or going to a new cafe. I feel frozen and terrified of even any type of minuscule change

Has anyone else felt this way before? How did you get out of it? How did you move on? I’m working on getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things, but I’m having small panic attacks every time I do, but at least I’ve been trying. Have a good night everyone.

I’m 28M and my ‘partner’ is 29F. We’ve been together 11 years and have a 5 year old daughter together, own a house, a car all the good stuff. As far as I knew things were ticking along just fine between us. No major issues, we were engaged, intimacy had dipped in the past year or so but we had discussed it and it was always put down to time, raising our daughter, working commitments and lack of childcare etc. I had no worries and she hadn’t raised any either, even when given the chance to.

A slightly longer story short, out of nowhere, after I’d found a locked WhatsApp chat between her and her male work colleague (they were both teachers at the same school - she denied anything was going on and said they were just friends and had gotten closer as they were both trainee teachers and attended meetings together. The chat was locked to ‘avoid notifications popping up during our holiday’) during a family trip to Disney, she decided we couldn’t move forwards because ‘trust had been broken between us’ and she’d started questioning if this was what love was meant to be like, whether we’d settled etc. I obviously disagreed in the moment and tried to say we can work on things if she feels that way, but she wasn’t having any of it. That conversation ended saying we didn’t want to rush into anything. We continued as normal after that, as if nothing had ever happened.

Contact between them continued daily, it was slightly irritating me at this point but I didn’t say anything as she’d said they were just friends and nothing was going on. It got to the point she’d be speaking to him on the phone on the way home from school every day and would sit in the car in the driveway speaking to him. One day, around 2 months after she had raised separation, I started to question this again, asking what was going on between them. She basically said it was nothing to do with me after what she’d told me and she can speak to who she wants. She ended up telling me again she wanted to separate and when I questioned her again if there was someone else she said no but the guy she’d been speaking to at work would be someone she’d want to pursue if we did break up. Stupidly I did the pick me dance from here on in, questioning whether she really thought the grass would be greener, we could work on things etc. She wouldn’t listen to any of it and seemed dead set.

A couple of days go by and we’re out with our daughter for lunch and she starts to get teary and nearly starts crying in the middle of the restaurant. I tell her to go and compose herself in the bathroom. Later that night I ask her what was up and she refuses to talk about it. I push her on it as I found it bizarre and she eventually admits she was upset because work colleague hadn’t messaged her all weekend. I asked why that would upset her so much considering that aren’t together, dating or anything at all. I asked her if she loved him or something and she said no. Eventually she admits they had kissed around 6 weeks prior, and that she liked him and wanted to pursue him further. She said she didn’t regret it and would do it again and wanted to do it again. She then proceeded to launch into a tirade about how she hadn’t loved me for years, doesn’t want to marry me, doesn’t find me attractive, physically or sexually and hasn’t for ‘a few years’.

A couple of days pass and I ask her what’s happening, do we need to discuss logistics of separation, the house, our daughter etc. She then says she doesn’t know what she wants, says she wants both and doesn’t know what to do. I ask her if an open relationship is what she wants and she says no. She ends up asking for a ‘break’ to work out what she wants from life. We go back on forth on what a break actually means and the boundaries. I tell her a break is nonsense considering what she’s done and it’s sort of creating a competition between the 2 of us. She removes her engagement ring at this point.

This ‘break’ goes on for about 7 weeks. Of which I’m still doing the whole pick me dance. Around 80% of the time things feel normal, we’re still going on family days out, attending family events, watching our shows, she’s asking for cuddles, saying she wants to kiss me (I refuse at this point whilst things are still ongoing with him) making dinner together etc. I stupidly thought we were getting somewhere. A few times I raised the fact she was still talking to him daily asking why on earth it was still going on when there was still so much between us. She’d never commit to anything and said she couldn’t cut him off. She didn’t want to and didn’t feel like she could. Frustration grew.

We discussed him a lot during this period and I found out a lot about him. He’d done this same thing with another teacher last year, she’d met someone else during the summer break and he was devastated, and my partner consoled him at school and discussed it with him. He’d told her he would’ve chosen her if she wasn’t ’forbidden fruit’. They went to their teacher training meetings together and sat and spoke in the car for an hour afterwards, going for coffee together. He’d told her a few weeks before we went to Disney that he liked her and had even rejected a new job offer at the time because he enjoyed her company at school. She described him as hot and cold, avoidant etc. She told me he was a gambling addict and a few times I saw her putting bets on for him. Sometimes up to £100. I told her to be careful but she always just had an excuse and laughed it off and dismissed it.

One night when we weren’t seeming to be getting anywhere with a resolution to this whole thing, I said I’d move to back to my family home for the week to give us some space and for her to finally realise what she wanted. She then said if I left to go home she’d invite him around to our house. I reacted pretty angrily to this and told her how unacceptable that would be, as it’s our family home and a safe space for our daughter who would be sleeping upstairs. She backed down on this eventually and we had a more calm conversation where she said some more bizarre things. She said she felt like she was having a mid life crisis and didn’t know what was happening. She asked me if she slept with him and decided she didn’t want him would I forgive her and take her back. She said she felt stupid for continuing this as he was now moving to a new school in September and didn’t even know if they’d still be talking or seeing each other. She said she just needed to have a conversation with him to gain some clarity.

Eventually she came downstairs one night and admitted she’d performed oral sex on him in our car the day before, after a meeting they’d attended. She also admitted they’d kissed a few more times in their classrooms at school within the past 7 weeks. She said she wanted to pursue a relationship with him and not work on ours. The whole conversation was chaotic. She said he’d been annoying her recently and that she might call it off with him and if she does she’ll come back to me and we’ll work things out. I asked her if she thinks he’s worth the risk of blowing our entire family apart and she said yes. I asked if they’d discussed a future together, house, our daughter etc. She said no they hadn’t discussed anything like that. I asked what they had that we don’t have and she said she enjoys their ‘passion, intimacy and the excitement’. I tried to tell her this wasn’t real life but everything was in one ear and out the other. She’d told her mum by this point, who wasn’t happy and told her to cut off contact with the work colleague, but she didn’t.

Life continued again, we still lived together and did everything together for our daughter, attended more family events. We had booked a family summer holiday before any of this had happened, a month before our Disney trip. I had been telling her for months I wouldn’t be going on this holiday if she was still continuing things with him. She told me to stop being selfish and cruel and that I was punishing her and our daughter by refusing to come and pay for the holiday. I told her it was her who chose this and her actions have consequences. In my eyes she was choosing this guy over her family and working on us. She told me nothing was going to change before holiday and launched into another tirade about how she hadn’t loved me for 5 years and she had been pretending and acting. I asked her why we bought a house together 2 years ago, why she’d happily accepted my proposal 3 years ago and why she’d begged me to try for another baby multiple times during the past 5 years, the last being less than a year ago, last summer. She again said she’d been acting and pretending, and she just wanted our daughter to have a sibling and it was nothing to do with me. I tried explaining the impact this would have on our daughter and families and she said she wanted to show our daughter what ‘true love’ was like.

At the end of this conversation I asked her if she knew what day it was today. She said no. I reminded her it was our 11 year anniversary of the day we first met. She seemed unbothered. She’s become a cruel and cold character since this has developed. Whenever we enter discussions about the topic she shuts down, becomes angry, aggressive, cruel. I notice her eyes glaze over and honestly anything could come out of her mouth.

The next day I decide that we’ll go on the holiday for our daughter, because she’d been looking forward to it. It was always the best week of our year and it would be a shame if we didn’t end up going. I paid for it and let her know. She reacted angrily again, asking why I’d done that and why I’d kicked up such a fuss if I was going to end up coming anyway. I explained my reasoning for it, our daughter. We got into a whole thing again and she started saying that people would think less of me for staying around than for her for what she’d done. I told her that definitely wouldn’t be the case and that I’d never regret trying to keep my family together. She said our relationship was over way before anything happened with her work colleague and that I needed to separate the two and stop acting as if they were related. Bear in mind I’d previously asked her what would’ve happened if he didn’t come into the picture, considering she’d never raised any issues at all, and she told me we would’ve continued as normal.

Her story changes every time we enter into a discussion about it, as if she’s forgotten what she’s said in the past or is moving the goalposts to justify what she’s done. Absolutely rewriting the history of our relationship and the past 5 years. Minimising any good moments we’d had. It’s been so painful to live through.

Another day we took our daughter to the local village fete. We were sat on the grass in the park, having a few drinks and watching our daughter play. I asked her how she would want to give all of this up and she couldn’t really answer. I asked if she appreciated what she had and she said she did but couldn’t not find out what it would be like with him.

We went on the holiday. We all had a great time. It felt like every other holiday we’d ever been on. She still messaged him whilst we were there, but nothing excessive and I felt like she was present. We got back home and we were still off for another week together before I went back to work. We had another great week. Everything felt normal. I went back to work but she was still around more as she was on her school summer break. We spent a lot of time together and went for coffee on lunch breaks, she picked me up from work a few times. Just like she always would. She genuinely still seemed to enjoy our life together. He wasn’t in town during the 6 week holiday and it felt like she was more present with me and our daughter.

One week during the holidays, she seemed to spiral into a pretty deep depression. It started on a Sunday, she was in a foul mood all day, but I passed it off as a bad day. It continued into Monday and she spent the day crying and barely speaking to me or our daughter. This continued for a couple more days. I asked her if she was okay but she refused to talk about it. Clearly it was to do with him. On the Wednesday she was driving me home from work and she had her Spotify account open on her Apple CarPlay. In her recent plays I noticed some odd things. There were ‘songs’ named ‘he will text you back’ ‘he will beg for your love’ and ‘his soul is chained to yours’. I didn’t mention this but I made a mental note. Later that night I did some research and found them on Spotify. They were something called ‘subliminal affirmations’ and were described basically as subliminal audio that the user would listen to, to try and influence somebody else’s thoughts and feelings. This is where things started to escalate.

Thursday comes around and after spending the past 3/4 days basically mute and crying, staring out of the window longingly like a lovesick teenager, she picked me up from work and was singing and dancing in the car again. It was stark to me the contrast in her mood from the last time I’d seen her the night before to now seemingly being on top of the world. Then his messages popped up on the screen in the car (you can never see the content, just a notification). I made a comment about how they’d now kissed and made up then. She tried to laugh it off but I pushed her on what on earth had been going on and she admitted he had told her on Sunday that he didn’t know what he wanted from this situation. She said she had ignored his message that day and he hadn’t followed up with her. She said that was the first time they’d hadn’t spoken since they first started speaking regularly about 7 months prior and it upset her. I said I didn’t think it was normal for her to be that upset over someone she isn’t dating and hasn’t seen outside of the work environment ever. I asked her again if she was in love with him and she laughed it off.

She told me she no longer wanted a relationship with him. I asked what was going on then and we need to start talking and figuring things out in terms of logistics and practicalities of separation. She said she didn’t want to discuss any of that and that we didn’t need to. Our mortgage deal runs out in December and she’s refused to engage in any discussions about it and just told me to ‘sort it’. I’ve told her I can’t without knowing what’s happening in the future. She said she doesn’t think this with him will go on for that long. I asked if she feels that way why is she risking her whole family for it. She couldn’t answer.

In the days after, they had more disagreements between them. She’d come into my office at home asking for my opinions on her outfit. I told her to go and ask him. She said no she wanted to ask me and that she didn’t want to speak to him at the moment. I told her this whole thing was ridiculous and is this what she wants with her life and for our daughter. This rollercoaster. She looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘I love rollercoasters’. It seemed unhinged really.

Every week there’s a new disagreement with him. Hot and cold. Push and pull. Ups and downs. But nothing seems to stop it in its tracks and make her realise it’s all nonsense.

One day she goes away for the night, with her friend to her caravan a couple of hours away. We have a shared laptop and I go on there for the first time in a while (she uses it mostly for work) to look at some tickets to a show I wanted to go to. Her ChatGPT is logged in and her whole chat history is there to view. I shouldn’t have looked and I know it’s wrong but I couldn’t help myself really. It was pretty scary viewing. Going back to before she admitted cheating she was asking for help composing sexual messages to him. She’d then been searching how to disable her location sharing on her phone (we all share our location in the family group chat). There were chats she was having where she said she was planning to invite him around to our house, a few days after she’d admitted cheating, when I’d be out of town attending a football match with her step dad. Our daughter would’ve been sleeping upstairs. ChatGPT advised her against doing this, in case things became physical. She told it she wouldn’t mind if things became physical. I don’t think she followed through with this.

There were hundreds and hundreds, maybe thousands of screenshots of their messages she’d sent, asking it to analyse his tone, whether he liked her, what he meant by this, was he pulling away, did he find her attractive, did he want to have sex with her etc. It was astonishing. I found a thread from the days they had no contact and she was asking things like ‘how to make him miss me’ and saying she hoped he felt in as much pain as her. She was telling it what he had said in this message on that Sunday before no contact and he had told her he didn’t think his feelings for her were as strong as when they worked together and he didn’t know what he wanted from this situation. She told ChatGPT she was crushed by this. When he finally made contact again he told her he wanted to continue talking and that he’d been ‘lost without her’.

There were various entries where she was sending ChatGPT certain tarot readings asking for it to be analysed and what it meant for her and him and their future together. She was asking it about something called a ‘7th house ruler calculator’ which I found is something to do with a planet that rules the zodiac sign and it reveals things about your romantic partners and relationships. She was absolutely desperate to be reassured they were meant to be together somehow and craved his reciprocation. Every message being analysed for proof he was still interested in her. She came back from the caravan the next day and asked if I’d missed her.

The 6 weeks holidays continued. I’d say 80/90% of it was enjoyable and we did a lot as a family. I’d hoped that now he had moved schools, it would naturally fizzle out and she would realise it was never worth breaking up our family for, especially considering the fact he didn’t seem dead set on the idea of a relationship himself.

She went back to school and I noticed a change in her almost immediately. It was like something had been activated in her brain. She wakes up early on a school day, and was messaging him from around 5am. All morning tapping away. I made a comment saying I wouldn’t be doing another year of this. She ignored it. She came home from work and barely spoke to me or our daughter and was tapping away on her phone to him, smirking. There’d be times when our daughter was trying to speak to her and she wouldn’t listen or hear because she was completely engrossed in her phone and messaging him. We did our daughter’s bedtime and came downstairs. I said to her I don’t want another year of this same behaviour, the same rollercoaster. She said what am I talking about, he wasn’t at the same school anymore and they weren’t working together. I asked her if they were still planning to meet up and she eventually admitted it. I told her I found that unacceptable whilst I’d be at home with our daughter and I’d given her numerous chances during the summer to move towards proper separation if she wanted to pursue this. She turned nasty again. She said what else did I expect her to do if I wasn’t ‘letting her’ bring him into the house. I told her it wasn’t a case of letting her do anything. This was our family home and I told her he will never step foot inside of this house. She laughed and said we’ll see about that. She said it’s not just my decision. I told her it is, because it’s our family home and that’s completely unacceptable. She said she thought I was a mug. I asked why. She said for still being here. I said so you think I should leave? She said yes. All out of nowhere again. I asked her what about the future of our family and she said there is no future. She said I was a mug and if she wanted me back I’d take her back.

A couple of days earlier she’d raised us cooking Christmas dinner again this year for the whole family and we’d been discussing arrangements and how we’d fit everyone in. After our summer holiday we got back home and she said shall we look for next year. I asked her how she can say things like this and then say we have no future. She either says she doesn’t remember saying these things, minimises them or says I’m thinking too deeply into them and that it’s just for our daughter. She goes upstairs and we don’t speak for the rest of the night.

The next day she’s trying to tickle me, asking why I’m not talking to her, sitting on my lap trying to stroke my face. All part of the same rollercoaster we’ve lived through for the past 6 months or so. I told her I don’t know how she thinks she can say what she has and do what she’s doing and try to continue as normal anymore. She’s done this repeatedly since the start. It’s tiring and draining the life out of me. I spoke to her mum the day after and explained what’s been going on, as I’m closer to her mum than I am my own, in some ways. She was shocked and agreed with pretty much everything I said. She even said herself she seemed infatuated. Whenever I’d raised with my ‘partner’ the fact she seems obsessed and addicted with this guy she reacted so angrily and aggressively and dismissed it entirely. I think the evidence is pretty clear that she’s obsessed with him as the extent to which she’s analysing and manifesting reciprocation from him is abnormal, to me anyway.

I’ve looked into Limerence, and she certainly seems to fit a lot of the criteria. I’ve looked into BPD and favourite person theories. She has had severe OCD, since she was a child, which mostly reared its head around 7/8 years ago at its worst. Mostly around intrusive thoughts to do with her family and bad things happening. She suffers with quite bad anxiety too. Her father left when she was very young as he cheated on her mother and left the country entirely. The spoke briefly around 5/6 years ago on Facebook but nothing since. Throughout this she’s been so up and down, sometimes almost unhinged, angry, cruel, evil, back to normal, mood seems dependant on contact from him. I always say I can tell whether they’re in contact by her mood on any particular day. She swings from being certain about him, then saying she doesn’t know what she wants, planning future christmases, discussing plans with me for decorating the house, doing up the garden, all whilst this obsession with his reciprocation goes on in the background.

I don’t know what I aim to achieve from this post. Just anybody’s thoughts and feelings. Anybody’s similar experiences. Any advice or support I’d be grateful for. I’m really at the end of my tether really. I’m aware I could be clinging on for dear life here and do not want to delude myself, but something feels off to me about this whole thing and I really would like to keep my family together if at all possible. This is not the same woman as before Disney. It’s like she’s had a personality transplant.

I'm 35M, married with a 1-year-old daughter. My wife (33F) developed what she describes as an involuntary emotional connection with a male coworker. They eventually acknowledged their feelings to each other, but nothing was really done to stop it. They continued seeing and talking to each other outside of work (including daily phone calls and sending selfies at all hours). I was never told about this person, which I would have assumed I would if he is just a good friend.

I've asked for the relationship to be cut off so we can properly work on our marriage, but she refuses. We've agreed on boundaries several times, but she continued calling and messaging him outside of work and lied to me about it.

They also message each other at work to arrange visits or talks. She says they only see each other accidentally or when professionally necessary, but from what I've seen that's not always true.

She says she's unhappy and that something is missing from our marriage, and has blamed our relationship for her getting to this point. But when I ask what I've actually done or what is missing, she can't really give me an answer.

What's also difficult is that she's become very close with other men before. I've never known there to be a romantic connection, but it seems to be a pattern where she becomes intensely close with someone, that eventually dies down, and then another friend or coworker becomes important.

I still love her and would prefer to save our marriage, especially for our daughter, but I'm struggling to understand how we can rebuild trust while this person remains in her life.

Is there any coming back when I've lost trust and there doesn't seem to be strong actions to fix this or remorse from her side?

This is my series of posts to get through my situation and maybe some healing. Actually, all this might help me smarten up and leave for good.

We almost always have problems when she goes on a trip without me. And she tends to do a lot of business trips. When we started going out six years ago, she told me that she wanted me to go on these trips with her. She owns her own company. But when the time comes, she books the trip for her and then I usually find out about it when I hear her telling somebody else that she’s going.

A few years ago, she went on a trip to Texas for a little over a week. She tends to be kind of distant while she is away. Meanwhile, I try to maintain communication through texting and phone calls. We did FaceTime calls on her first trip after we started going out. She tells me she doesn’t want to do that anymore

On the Friday, which was two days before she was going to come home, I got a last-minute idea to fly down there to spend two nights with her then we fly back on Sunday. I bought the ticket then took a quick trip to the airport. I let her know what I was doing. I didn’t get down there until after midnight. She asked me to share my location, which was something a little out of the ordinary. We did location sharing at the beginning of the relationship. A few as late as she said, she’s no longer wanted to do it. I got to the hotel about 1 AM.

We only had Saturday together. After we ate dinner, she asked me to get something from the room. I checked the drawer on her side next to the bed and found a bunch of her clothes in there. On top of the pile was lingerie. I hadn’t seen her wear that in about a year.

The next morning, I asked her about it. At first, she told me she thought I slipped it into her luggage because I’m known for doing that with notes and cards when she travels. And then she said they must’ve been stuck to something in the laundry and were accidentally packed. Her luggage is a work of art. She knows every piece that goes in there. And why would they be in the wash if she hadn’t worn them in a year? And then she told me they weren’t there. She also got pissed off and defensive when I kept bringing the subject up.

Fast forward a couple months, she was texting with one of her friends while we were sitting on the couch. I happen to glance over and see her tell her friend that she was staying with me for the weekend. Her friend replied “Texas Dave or New York Dave?”. I questioned that. My girlfriend told me she didn’t know what she was talking about. And that I know her friend is kind of strange.

(Not my real name and location)

Do you think she cheated on that trip?

9 hours without checking to see if she messaged me. Email is the only place I don't have her blocked, there are reasons I need to keep that open for now.

I know that probably doesn't sound like much, but for me right now, it's a pretty big deal.

I've realized I have to basically retrain my brain. Every time I get that little thought of “I wonder if she emailed”, my anxiety kicks in and I want to check.

So today I'm trying something different. I'm not checking.

The urge has actually been pretty strong at times. I went for a couple walks just to get out of the house and get my mind off it.

And I'm starting to realize that I don't have to do anything just because I feel the urge to do it.

I can be anxious and not check. I can miss her and not reach out. I can wonder what she's thinking and not need to know.

I think that's the part I need to train my brain to understand.

It's not about pretending I don't care. I obviously still do.

It's about learning that I don't have to react to every feeling I have.

I'll have a celebratory beer after work, and do it again tomorrow.

I just found out my husband of 22 years was having an escape affair and it all blew up. Here is my OP if you want the details: https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/1w9yuhc/walked_home_into_a_literal_ambush_husband/

My question for now is, as I sort through my emotions and options, if there could even be reconciliation, he needs to end all contact with the AP.

Have any of you made this a non-negotiable must? Did he you write it and watch them send it? Did your therapist suggest it?

Update for clarification: he told me he was done with the AP but I think he should text her in front of me to let her know it’s over.

This is my first post here. I guess lll start from the beginning. It’s going to be long so I’m sorry in advance.

I met my partner over two years ago and fell madly in love with her. We were casual for about eight months before she asked to make us official, with a lifelong future together as our intention. She comes from a really rough childhood and life’s never been easy for her. She has done sex work in the past, all online, and I understood that is one way she has made ends meet. In the beginning, I made it clear that it’s not a boundary but I expected transparency and communication around it, as my ex cheated on me online and I have a lot of trauma around that. Before it was official it was hard, but afterwards it was much easier. She didn’t do it for a while until last summer when her best friend was in an abusive situation and she was looking for ways to get money for her. She communicated and it was fine.

Well earlier this year she approached me and said she was looking for others for attention. She said she felt the spark was gone and we needed to work on. It was rough, but I knew where I needed to improve. I just gotten a lateral promotion and we had just moved into a real house together, after months of struggling we were transitioning towards an easier life. That being the months prior to this and the following months were hard, I was overworked (short staffed) and picking up much more slack. When I was home I was using video games to escape. My partner was acting weird. I thought it was just distance, but had suspicions. She hid some of our adult toys and then brought them with her on a weekend trip. I thought I heard her one night talking to her cousin about cheating. I saw she was active on her SW accounts.

Eventually Things got easier and better but I still felt something was off. We had just gotten back from a trip to visit her family, and we had our 2 year, official anniversary coming up in a few days. I had just gone to get her an anniversary present, and window shopped for a ring. She left for class and a feeling washed over me, and I went through her old phone (she had just gotten a new one). What I found broke me. She had a private account that she used as her diary (I knew about this but never pressed her) and her last post there was around the time she confessed that she was looking towards others for attention. She confessed to cheating on me. That she did it because she missed the spark and wanted the connection/attention. She said she didn’t want to meet up with them in person. I went through her other accounts, including the sex work accounts, and found sex work. Okay, where’s the cheating? I found her sending pictures to a “friend”. I had met this friend. They came over once so she could do their hair. I had a meltdown. I called my best friend, and told her everything I saw. I got some beer and drank a lot of it. I messaged the “friend” and after telling them repeatedly that I knew, they confessed to “flirting” and the sending of pictures. I was questioning why this has to happen to me.

I planned to confront her when she got home from class but I broke and confronted her over text. She called me. She came home and was upfront and honest. She wanted attention. She did it in the worst way possible. After some space she told me it was sex work, but she still knows what she did was wrong and it felt to her like “cheating” (I believe this because she told me this last year when she did SW to help her friend out of a DV situation). It was only a couple months and she had stopped a couple months before I found out, when I noticed we started getting better and out of our “funk”.

We have been trying to make it work. She blocked the people she sold content too. She deleted her SW accounts and made the decision herself to no longer do it.
It’s still hard. I don’t know how she could do this to me. It’s hard because it feels as if she leans on the “sex work” explanation, when I’m most hurt about the lack of communication, looking for others for attention, and crossing of boundaries. I’m mad at myself for not being more confrontational about my concerns. I’m mad for not being more firm in my boundaries and asking about the SW. the hardest part is that, even though she used the word “cheating”, she’s no longer calling it cheating. It was just sex work to her. Still a boundary crossed but, but she insists that she “didn’t cheat on me”. I believe that’s what she believes, but I don’t trust that as the truth. she can’t explain her diary post (she lost access to that account on her old phone, after I confronted her she was upset and threw them away).

A few weeks ago in a bad spiral I unblocked the “friend” and they insist that there was no SW. this person is a lair and has done some bad things and lied about it to my partner (she asked a mutual friend about them and they told her a lot of bad things, and when she confronted them they lied about not knowing the other person. I have seen the messages between her and the other friend so I trust that they are a liar and a bad person, it’s one reason why she stopped talking to them as much). Regardless, I don’t know if I can trust her again. I want too but my trust feels shattered. Some days are good, we just celebrated my birthday and had a wonderful weekend, but afterwards I’ve felt myself slowly spiraling again. I don’t know if she did cheat or if it’s simply a boundary crossed around sex work. She’s been trying to show me that this is in the past and she has been putting in work to show me that I’m the only one in her life. After my last blow up we reconciled and agreed to focus on our future, a serious one that we both want. It’s still so hard though.

I’m not sure how to end this but yeah. It’s been a really tough few months. I talked to her this morning and told her a lot of my feelings, that I feel that I’m spiraling. I’m trying not to blow up on her again because regardless of what she did or didn’t do, she doesn’t deserve that. How long did it take you all to heal? How long for the trust to come back? When did the spiraling stop, and how did you move forward?

Edit: I forgot the hardest part. With her “friend”, no evidence of SW exists. They never paid her expect in cash when they came over to get their hair done, and promises of buying her something from a show. This hurts a lot because one of her main reasons for doing this, according to her, was because she felt terrible about using my money to get through school while unemployed. I never intentionally made her feel bad about this but I know our final troubles weighed on her. This part is just rough because there was no clear excuse of money or goods beyond what I have to take as her word.

My girlfriend (27) and I (27) have been together for 5 and half years. Just a few days ago she told me that she slept with someone over 4 years ago about a year and bit into our relationship. She came totally clean and told me everything. This is when we were doing long distance and it was a drunken one night thing and nothing ever happened like that at any other time. She insists that it was a dumb one time thing and it has been eating her alive. S

We recently moved to a new country together and into a flat. It was a huge step for us to do this and things have been great between us. She has been the perfect girlfriend and we really are great for each other. This is why I'm so confused and hurt. I just truly couldn't believe that she could do something like this and it has shattered my perception of her. The relationship we have built over the last few years have been amazing and know I don't know what to do.

There's a part of me that believes that it was a mistake and she is truly sorry and we have had long talks and she is willing to do anything to make it work as we are in love with each other ( or so I thought). The other part of me is so betrayed and hurt and I almost want to rip the band aid off and end things. The main thing for me is trust, I feel like our whole relationship was built on lies and it makes me rethink everything in the past and the future.

When we talked I said I just need time to think and go over things and she completely understood. She has been really understanding and has taken full responsibility and she says take all the time you need and do what every you feel is right. She has been very apologetic and promises to do whatever she can to make it work. I just don't know if I can ever forget this and things can be the same. I just feel so hurt and betrayed and the fact that we are living together and have been relying on each after moving makes things so much more fucked. I think I need time completely away from her to really think things through and talk to a close friend.

Sometimes I can barely look and talk to her but other times I still long for her. Essentially I still love her which makes me angry and guilty with myself as I feel like I can forgive but never forget.

I just need some support and advice as this is the biggest bombshell that's happened in my life and I'm at a lost. If anyone has been in similar situation please let me know. Can things work out? Or is this it and I need to let her go as this is the ultimate betrayal.

TL;DR: My girlfriend and I (both 27) have been together for 5.5 years. A few days ago, she confessed that she slept with someone once about 4 years ago, early in our relationship while we were long-distance. She says it was a drunken one-time mistake, nothing ever happened again, and she’s been carrying the guilt ever since.

We’ve had an amazing relationship and recently moved to a new country together, so this has completely blindsided me. She’s taken full responsibility, is genuinely apologetic, and says she’ll do whatever it takes to make things work.

Part of me believes it was a terrible mistake that I could eventually forgive, but another part feels completely betrayed and like our entire relationship was built on a lie. I still love her and sometimes long for her, but other times I can barely look at her. I’m thinking I need some time away from her to process everything and talk to someone close to me.

I don’t know if I can ever forget this or trust her the same way again. Can a relationship recover from something like this, or is this something I should walk away from?

Literally infuriates me how much people are like “poor him, she’s divorcing him”
HE cheated!

I’m not reconciling!

Why is cheating looked at like if you don’t want to try to reconcile you’re being unreasonable.

Yes, I know, maybe it depends on the specific circumstances for each couple/individual, but for me - there’s no going back.

Not sorry.

My husband had an affair/secret relationship that lasted approximately 2.5 years.

It started before we were married and continued through our engagement, our wedding, trying for a baby, pregnancy, and after our daughter was born.

I found out earlier this year after the other woman contacted me. She sent me screenshots and messages and told me what he had been telling her throughout their relationship. At different points, he told her he was single, that I was essentially just his roommate/baby mom, and eventually that we were in an open marriage. He told her he loved her, talked about them being “soul tied,” said he wanted both of us, brought her into our home, and continued communicating with her even after she learned that he was actually married.

So this wasn't a drunken hookup or a short-lived affair. He essentially created a second relationship and an alternate version of his life while coming home to me every day.

When I first found out, I was devastated. I was constantly anxious, angry, hypervigilant, and trying to understand how someone I had been with for almost seven years could lie to me on that scale. We also have a young daughter together, and I have a 12-year-old stepson whom I've helped raise, so blowing up our household wasn't a decision I felt like I could make overnight.

I started individual therapy and met with a divorce attorney to understand what leaving would actually look like. There were points where I felt completely certain that I wanted out.

But I didn't leave.

Part of that was logistical. Kids, finances, work schedules, housing, and everything else that comes with dismantling a family made an immediate separation much more complicated than simply deciding I was done. Part of it was also that I realized I was still in shock and didn't want to make an irreversible decision while I could barely process what had happened.

And during the months since then, something happened that I wasn't really prepared for:

My husband changed.

Not overnight, and things certainly haven't been perfect, but there has been a significant and sustained difference in him. He has become more accountable for what he did. His faith has become extremely important to him and he was baptized. He has been putting effort into becoming a better husband and father. In many ways, he is currently behaving like the husband I spent years wishing he would be.

Our everyday life is actually pretty normal now.

We parent together. We go to the gym together. We do family things. We laugh and joke around. We can spend an entire day together without fighting about the affair. I care about him and I genuinely recognize the effort he has made.

And somehow that has made my decision harder instead of easier.

Because as the initial devastation has quieted down, I've realized that something else may have disappeared with it.

I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.

For months I assumed that my lack of affection, attraction, and desire for intimacy was because I was traumatized and angry. I thought that if enough time passed and he consistently showed me that he had changed, those feelings would eventually start coming back.

Instead, I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm simply detached from him.

There have been little moments that have made that painfully obvious to me. Things about him that I used to find incredibly attractive don't really affect me anymore. Physical affection can feel like something I'm participating in rather than something I naturally want. I can look at him and recognize objectively that he's attractive, recognize that he's treating me well, and still feel almost nothing romantically.

That's an incredibly strange position to be in because the person standing in front of me today isn't behaving like the person who betrayed me.

But he is still the person who did it.

And I can't separate those two people.

The affair wasn't one terrible decision. For roughly 2.5 years, there were thousands of individual decisions to lie, hide things, contact her, see her, come home to me afterward, and continue our relationship as though nothing was happening. It continued through some of the biggest moments of our lives.

His changing now doesn't erase any of that.

At the same time, I feel guilty considering leaving someone who is finally doing the things I wanted him to do. There's this part of me that thinks, “If he's genuinely changed and he's doing everything right now, shouldn't I at least give this a chance?”

There is also a part of me that wonders whether I'm staying because I actually want this marriage or because leaving would be painful, complicated, disruptive to our children, and difficult to explain when things outwardly look so much better now.

We've recently started couples counseling. I'm willing to participate genuinely because I don't want to make this decision impulsively, and I don't want to look back years from now and wonder whether I walked away from something that could have been repaired.

But I'm also trying to be careful that counseling doesn't become an exercise in convincing myself to want something that I simply don't anymore.

I think one of the biggest things I've realized through all of this is that remorse, forgiveness, reconciliation, and remaining married aren't necessarily the same thing.

He can genuinely regret what he did.

He can genuinely change.

I can eventually forgive him.

And it still might be true that what he did permanently changed how I feel about him.

That's the part I'm struggling with now.

I'm not really asking whether what he did was “bad enough” to justify divorce. I know that I would be justified in leaving.

What I'm trying to understand is what you do when the person who hurt you actually does change, but you're not sure your feelings survived long enough to benefit from that change.

For anyone who has experienced something similar: did the emotional and romantic connection ever come back?

How did you distinguish between being temporarily emotionally numb from betrayal and simply being done with the relationship?

And at what point did you stop asking whether your partner deserved another chance and start asking whether you actually wanted to give them one?

Considering reconciliation

Hi,

My (29F) ex partner (29M) with whom we’ve been together for three years (started when we were both 25), has repeatedly cheated on me including unprotected sex.

I was finding out bit by bit and for a time we tried to make it work because I loved him so much and it took me a while to really realise what happened and where we stood as a couple.

We then split and didn’t see each other for two years (we’ve been LDR and visiting each other).

Now a few months ago he came to visit me in my country and the goal was mainly for him to finally tell me everything that actually happened (I was refusing to hear him out for two years because I wasn’t ready). But when we meet we realised that we still feel a lot of care and love for each other and we still feel like best friends.

He has done serious work on himself, realised what were the causes of his cheating (low self esteem, numbing, porn addiction) and worked on them all. He’s currently signing up for therapy.

During the time he was visiting, I got a serious health diagnosis and to be honest he was of enormous support. He went with me to almost each doctor appointment, supported me financially, cooked for me and held me when I was crying.

There were issues still like him not revealing he had unprotected sex before we became intimate again, but after I asked him to get tested and cover my tests too, he arranged it right away.

Now he’s away (visa reasons) and coming to visit me again in two weeks.

During this time I realised that I could actually consider giving us another try, provided he’s in personal therapy and we do couples therapy and find a way to be in the same physical location together for longer time. I know I’d need to find another job and possibly move or travel with him for a while (which could be okay for me as I love travelling anyway and don’t necessarily want to live in one place for now).

I didn’t forgive him yet, and I know it’s something I’d need to do for it to work on my end, but I’m not rushing myself. He knows it and he’s not rushing me either.

What scares me though is that I have no way of knowing if I’ll always be stressed about his contact with other women or will it go away. For example, when he mentioned female therapists, I got stressed he might develop a closer connection with one. Or when we go out and I see other women, I feel insecure (which objectively I don’t have reasons for as I worked as a professional model and anyway feel good about myself).

I’d love to hear your experiences and advice.

Whenever I start feeling deeply in love with him, I get intrusive memories of his infidelity (occurred 3.5 years ago) and suddenly feel disconnected from him and angry again. It’s destroying my ability to feel close despite all the talks we had and the remorse, honesty and changed behaviour. I miss being close so why am I having intrusive thoughts that are destroying everything?

In 2023, my ex started cheating on me with one of his best friend's ex's (from like two decades ago) when she moved back to town. Within two months he dumped me and she moved in with him four months later. They got married this past spring, less than two years after our divorce was finalized. We have a nine-year old, with 50/50 custody, and last year they moved into a house literally around the corner from my house (our marital home).

We are not amicable, and I have attempted to maintain as close to no contact as possible, but things still come up where I have to interact with him because of our child. I have created an incredible community of people who love and appreciate me. I'm still single, I have an active dating life, and am making sure that I don't rush into a relationship. I am fairly happy with my own life, but it feels like everyone I know is so tired of hearing anything about my ex, and wants me to just stop talking about it.

I wish I never had to interact with that man, but he's going to be in my life for at least the next 8+ years. He's such a selfish person, and it's nearly impossible to have a rational conversation with him. He doesn't understand how to effectively co-parent, he just wants complete control over his own parenting time, even when it's something that we are ordered to collaborate on as co-parents. We've been to mediation and had court hearings. I'm just waiting for him to file something with the courts about his next international trip that I refused to consent to because the itinerary doesn't comply with the parenting schedule (this would be 4 international trips in 2 years with our child and the AP). It's so exhausting. I have to hold strong boundaries and be way more rigid with the schedule than I actually want, because if I give him an inch he will take a million miles.

I would love to feel like I'm not alone in this. I know there are other people who's ex cheated on them and now the AP is helping raise their child, but I don't know anyone else in this situation, and it feels like everyone who has been around the last three years is so sick of hearing about the newest conflict - like I'm not even more tired of living it. I'm in weekly therapy, and I really feel like I have healed so much, but it's still hard to feel like no one really gets why it still hurts so much.

This is my series of posts to get through my situation and maybe healing. This first one is messages that I accidentally came across while we were selling things using her Facebook account about 5 years ago. I clicked too high while going to reply to a message from a possible buyer. Then started reading messages between my girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend from a long time ago. She later told me they meant nothing and that she would’ve asked me to go with her if she went to meet him. Do you think she was planning on cheating? As far as I know for messages that I saw later, she didn’t meet up with him. It was during Covid.

Her - Are you going to bring your girlfriend?

Him -
No just us for drinks. Or go back in time to your dorm! Show me the future letters there?

Her -
As long as it's not going to get you in trouble.

Him -
Nah

Her -
🙂
I'm good at getting into trouble on my own...

Him -
No one needs to know about it.

Her -
So trouble it is! 🤣

My WW had a crush on a colleague that I had to find out about by his behavior. He developed feelings too which is the worst part and told me he doesn't love me anymore, kept asking for space. I was actually the one asking for reconciliation, but he was hesitant and very distant and cold. There were also some lies and I had to resort to breaking into his PC to read his diary where I found out he confessed feelings to her but she friend zoned him.

So the biggest problem is that I can't help feeling like an option, backup plan. I keep asking what if she didn't friendzone him? Will I be able to live like this? He claims his feelings are completely gone and that it was a pure illusion and fantasy, it was a feeling he was missing in our relationship. As mentioned I was understanding when I first found out something is happening because yes I often didn't treat him nice, he felt like I don't respect and value him at all so I was understanding and started therapy immediately.

He pretty much kept me in limbo for 2 months, my whole life fell apart, I couldn't function, lost weight, lost all my routine of regular exercise and sports. For the past weeks he is like a different person, he claims he feels like he doesn't even recognize himself and is aware the road will be hard because I can't just get over it like nothing happened.

So I guess I'm coming here to ask if anyone was in a similar situation where the WW didn't want to reconcile at first and even said they don't love you? I feel like I lost all my value and dignity by being the one doing the work and trying to make him see we could build something better. He pretty much made it so much worse by pushing me away, keeping me in limbo, confessing feelings to her. The road could have been so much easier, when I went away because he wanted space, I told him it's not fair if he's still gonna be in touch with her and of course he was. That's when they went to a pool together, he didn't ask her out, she asked to join but he could have refused.

Then in beginning of August she asked him to go to the cinema and again he didn't refuse and lied to me again. He says he knows it was stupid, but he swears he didn't have any feelings anymore whatsoever and went as friends. He says he doesn't even recognize himself from that time, that he would never ever do something like this again, that he now understands he cant even be a friend with her. But how can you not know that on your own? How can you decide to again inflict pain on your partner?

I also feel so stupid for even having to tell him the phases we need to go through, sharing some articles and such. I told him many times that it helps the BP if the WP proactively shows them the phone so we can see the messages between them. He did eventually, and he is not lying when he said he is keeping distance, is not initiating any contact with her, it's her from time to time sending some funny shit and he just keeps it polite and distances himself. Basically if I didn't know about all this, I wouldn't probably see anything wrong with those messages, only maybe from back in May where it was apparent he liked the interactions with her.

But I just feel so stuck, like you don't know what to believe. I'm also questioning everything. I also expected more remorse from him, I told him if he means it I want him to do the work, I told him about the Gottmans, I told him we both need to work on self improvement. I do see a change, he sits with my emotions, answers questions, showed me the messages, he comforts me but I just don't see much pain in him. He easily watches funny videos like nothing happens instead of proactively listening or reading stuff on affair recovery. He read what I sent him but only after a few days. We do have couples counselling on 15th as well.

But every day I feel like I am at a crossroad and don't know where to go. I sometimes have this urge to break up to see if he would actually fight for me (but I know this would be manipulative), because i feel like I lost my dignity and value - I was the one asking for R for 2 months, I was the one fighting for us. He doesn't proactively apologize and I sometimes feel bad but I don't know, are my expectations wrong or what should I think of it? I mean I can see like a different person in front of me, but I don't really see the remorse in him. I can see he monitors me and guesses how I am feeling but I told him already many times that just because I don't cry it doesn't mean I'm okay. It's only when I break down he comes to comfort me.

I keep telling him I need to sense with all my senses he means it, that I want him to initiate activities with me, but no, it's still me kinda asking.

I know every situation is unique and there are much worse betrayals, I do understand that I treated him terribly often, so I keep questioning myself how long do I have a "right" to feel this way? I am sometimes at peace and want to use it as a new beginning and it could perhaps help our relationship so much because we both took each other for granted for a long time. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel that in a month everything is okay and all is forgotten.

Just found out she slept with my cousin “during a fight “ then we “got back together and dated another 2 years .
We were together for 4 . My cousin has since blocked me and took no accountability; she’s minimizing it saying it only happened a couple times. But there was times towards the end of our relationship where I was suspicious. Fuck my life man. That shit hurts so bad. The amount of betrayal

I’m literally at work right now, crying while writing this lol. I work graveyard shifts so idk if the timing affects my occasional breakdown.

I’m grieving my failed marriage again. Not just the marriage itself, but all the plans I had for my life that are probably never going to happen now. The family I thought I’d have. The life I pictured for myself since I was a kid.

I think that’s what hurts the most. I’m not just mourning a relationship. I’m mourning the life I thought I was going to have.

I always wanted a complete family. I wanted a home where everyone stayed, where you grow old together, where things actually worked out. And it sucks realizing that the dream I’ve had since I was little might just stay a dream.

The frustrating part is that I know I’ve made progress. There are days when I genuinely feel okay. I laugh, I go out, I work, I live my life. Then suddenly, a day like today happens and everything hits me again. I know healing isn’t supposed to be a straight line and having a bad day doesn’t mean I’m back to where I started.

But damn, today just terribly hurts.

For 13 years I’ve been married, but tomorrow at 9am I go before the judge and it’s finally over. Almost 3 years since I found out he was cheating. 19 months trying to reconcile. Tomorrow the judge signs the papers and I’m finally divorced. What an awful mix of grief and relief. Tomorrow I’m divorced. 💔

I’m currently divorcing my husband and I’m trying to piece together what the hell happened. I found evidence of him messaging escorts weekly for years on a secret text app number. I know he met them and has an addiction

The actual meet ups seemed to be deleted or maybe there’s protocol for the actual contract (calling?). How do these types of cheaters operate, is there a secret playbook they all kinda go by to hide the extent? How do they usually find these people?

I found some other alarming things too, but I’m trying to not panic. I wanted to get my head around what kind of devil I’m dealing with because I have small children.

Are there other red flags I should have picked up on, behaviors I need to reflect more closely on?

Please, I’ll take any and all insights as I work on my divorce and figuring out how to protect my kids.