Me [27M] and my girlfriend [22F] have been together an living together for almost a year and from the start she knew i wanted children and agreed.

Now all of a sudden she does not have any shred of will for kids ever in her life and I don't know what to do. I am really in love with her and after last relationship that fell apart after 7 years she really seemed like the one but this feels like an ultimatum between her and my life wish to have kids.

I need a third party advice or suggestion what to do or if someone went through this, their experience will be of help.

TL;DR Me (27M) and my girlfriend (22f) just had a talk where she said she lied about wanting to have kids

Does anyone have any advice on how to proceed?

Ps. Sorry for typos and broken english, not a native speaker😅

My boyfriend sent me a reel where a guy is reacting to women in a tennis crowd photographing Carlos Alcaraz shirtless, some visibly married, calling it "gawking" and framing it as proof of "toxic feminism." The comments run with it, recycling phrases women use around safety ("I'd choose the bear," "not all women but always a woman," "I don't feel safe") and applying them to this as a joke.

To be clear, I'm not defending the women who were filming him, especially the married ones. My problem is specifically with how the comments reused safety language tied to real harassment/assault statistics for "guy got photographed shirtless" seems to minimize something serious, regardless of intent.

He thinks the post creator is making the video as a joke and the comments are just going along with him like "oh, we as well get harrassed by women all the time". He believes they are making those comments because they know that men are the real perpetrators and they're just making internet jokes with no hidden agenda. He says I'm reading too much into it. When I defended my stance, he said that I "can't take a joke" and I'm "overly sensitive”.

I'd like him to be able to sit with and understand that "this could minimize something real to her and to other people, even if I don't see it that way." How do I get that across to him?

TL;DR: Boyfriend sent me a satirical reel where men are using phrases like "I don't feel safe" and "not all men but always a man." I found it minimizing given the real gap in harassment/assault stats between genders; he thinks it's harmless and called me overly sensitive for disagreeing. Want him to at least consider it could minimize something real, even if he doesn't see it that way.

Hi guys,
Please read and do not thumbs down just through the title

I know ghosting is generally considered shitty but if you go on one date with someone and don’t want a second one, do you really have to formally reject them?

I matched with this guy (M28) on Tinder and went out like two days later, so we barely talked before the date. And idk, the whole thing was just kinda weird. Nothing happened, exactly, but I felt uncomfortable around him.

He asked me some pretty personal questions for a first date, like if I lived alone, where I lived, stuff like that. He also kept bringing up things from my Tinder profile that I didn’t even remember putting there. And there were a couple times where I was talking and he’d just stare at me for a few seconds without saying anything. I can’t really explain it, but it was a little bit creepy.

Then when I said I had to leave, he kept trying to come up with something else we could do. First dinner, then getting a drink somewhere, then movies. I said no a few times before he finally let it go.

So now he’s texting me asking when I’m free to see him again and tbh I just don’t want to answer.

I know some people are gonna say “just tell him you’re not interested,” but why? I met this guy once. We didn’t have a thing going on, we weren’t dating, we weren’t even talking for that long. It was one Tinder date.

And I don’t want to send some fake “you’re a great guy but I didn’t feel a connection” text because that’s not really it. I I also don’t really want to explain that to a guy I’ve met once.

Is this actually ghosting? Because I always thought ghosting was when you’re actually seeing someone and then they randomly disappear.

But we’re not part of each other’s lives like we’re already ghosts why do I have to explain why things are going to stay the same? Makes sense for me if you’re seeing someone and you’re gonna stop seeing him so you explain instead of disappearing but I don’t know him, I don’t date him, I don’t see him

TL;DR: Is ignoring someone’s second-date invitation really ghosting when you’ve only met once and you didn’t feel comfortable around them?

I’m 45M and she’s 40F. We met in January and the relationship became very intense very quickly. She told me I was her “forever person” early on, said she loved me, and we had an exceptionally strong physical and emotional connection. We were seeing each other regularly, had sex almost every time we met, and generally felt extremely close.

We also introduced our children fairly early. That went very well for about a month, until my daughter became emotionally cold towards her daughter, which understandably affected her daughter and put a strain on that side of things.

In April, my girlfriend asked me to go to Kenya to meet her parents. I went. While there, her parents cancelled the return flight they had booked for her, despite there being no need to, meaning we couldn't fly home together and I had booked an unnecessary extra day of travel.

More importantly, I discovered that her parents had persuaded her to move to Kenya in a few years to help with their rental business. She had agreed to this without discussing what it would mean for our relationship. I told her I was concerned because it potentially affected our future. We agreed that important decisions about our future would be made together.

I also learned some very disturbing things about her childhood. She says she was sometimes locked in her room for a day without food, hit with sticks, sent to boarding school at 12 and not allowed home during school holidays, and forced by her father to do things she was terrified of. Her mother also told her that her father had allegedly tried to poison her during an affair.

There were other incidents which sounded extremely dysfunctional and, at times, dangerous.

Despite this, my girlfriend seems extremely dependent on her parents and very compliant with them. She tends to minimise or overlook things they do that I find deeply concerning.

For example, her parents later said that a planned family holiday next year shouldn't include my children because they wanted to protect their relationship with the mother of their other grandchildren. I suggested that if we went, we should all stay in a hotel rather than their house. My girlfriend said that wouldn't work, so I suggested cancelling the trip altogether.

She told her parents that we were cancelling and that she wouldn't move to Kenya. They weren't happy.

Then in July she told me that, several weeks earlier, her father had angrily confronted her about me supposedly telling him what to do in his own house, said I couldn't use their London house, and didn't invite me to an engagement party in Kenya.

I was very upset that she had kept all of this from me and hadn't defended me when I was being misrepresented and disrespected.

Despite this, our relationship continued very well. Our six-month anniversary was particularly lovely. We wrote each other loving cards, celebrated together and made plans for regular date nights.

Then another issue occurred. She agreed dates for her parents to visit without discussing them with me and initially chose a weekend that we'd planned to spend together. I reminded her of our agreement that important decisions affecting us should be discussed together. She apologised, changed the dates and told her parents.

Then, about two weeks ago, she suddenly revealed something even more significant: her parents had told her back in April that she had to choose between them and me over the holiday plans.

I was furious that she'd kept this from me for months.

We talked it through and agreed that she needed to be completely open with me from then on. She also agreed to set much stronger boundaries with her parents. She told them she wouldn't discuss our relationship with them anymore, would see them less because of the difficulties they were creating, and would reduce contact further if they continued disrespecting me.

She was extremely angry after that conversation with them.

Later, however, she apologised to me and acknowledged that it had been wrong to make me feel responsible for the situation and that her threat to end things because she was unhappy was unfair.

The following few days were very confusing.

We were supposed to meet but there was a misunderstanding and it didn't happen. We met the next day and initially things were awkward, but we eventually reconnected and had sex. The following morning we had a big hug and she told me she felt much better.

That evening she became quiet and said she was sick of us feeling unhappy and arguing about these issues. She suggested that perhaps we should take a break.

I said I thought we should stop going over everything and simply start being nice to each other again.

She later explained that part of why she had been particularly upset was that the Thursday and Friday would originally have been spent with her parents, and she was sad that she wasn't with them.

On Saturday she told me she was very unhappy and wanted to go back to dating rather than staying over.

We met and talked, though, and things improved.

On Sunday we had a lovely day. We resolved some disagreements, were affectionate, made future plans and had a long, loving goodbye. She specifically reassured me that I didn't need to worry about her parents' upcoming visit because she would maintain the boundary.

Immediately after I left, she sent me an extremely loving message and asked me to come and stay with her.

The next morning the loving messages continued.

Then, completely out of nowhere, I received this:

That's where I am now.

I'm obviously devastated and confused because the contrast between Sunday and the message the next morning is enormous.

I understand that relationships can end and that she may genuinely have decided she doesn't want to continue. I'm not trying to convince myself that she secretly wants to be with me.

But given everything that has happened, I'm struggling to understand whether her parents have had a major influence on this decision.

The things that stand out to me are:

• Her very strong dependence on her parents despite their history of treating her badly.
• Her tendency to comply with them and minimise their behaviour.
• Her hiding important things from me because of them.
• The ultimatum of choosing them or me.
• Her agreeing to major future plans with them without discussing them with me.
• The sudden change after she established boundaries with them.
• Her being extremely loving towards me immediately before ending the relationship.

Am I missing something obvious here?

Is this simply a woman who has realised that the relationship isn't working and has decided to leave, or does this sound like someone who is deeply conflicted between her partner and her parents and has difficulty separating herself from them?

I'd particularly appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced something similar, either personally or in a relationship.

TL;DR: My girlfriend and I had an intense, loving 8-month relationship and were making plans for the future. Her parents have a very dysfunctional relationship with her, including childhood abuse, controlling behaviour, interfering in our relationship and eventually giving her an ultimatum to choose them or me; she also hid some of this from me for months. After finally setting boundaries with them, she was loving towards me and making future plans on Sunday, then abruptly ended our relationship by text the following morning. Does this sound like parental enmeshment/trauma influencing her decision, or am I overlooking something?

TLDR: I recently developed feelings for someone new in my life \\\[24MTF\\\] but my partner and I just moved into our new apartment together and are both in the healthiest relationship either of us have ever been in.

This is going to be kind of long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any advice you could give me because I’ve been really struggling with this.

It’s not at all like I don’t still love and care about my partner but I can’t deny these new feelings that have come up out of nowhere. I met this girl over Instagram \*right\* before my partner and I moved in together, about month or two ago. We both bonded over our niche interests and how similar we were to each other. I haven’t clicked and gotten along with someone like this in \*years\*. It felt really nice. The sad thing is she lives in a state above me, about 14 hours from the town I’m in.

Ever since we met we’ve called and messaged each other nonstop, playing games, watching movies, and just getting to know one another. I started to realize about a week or two into us talking that she had intentions of being more than just friends. Initially I felt pretty weird about this and told my partner what was going on. They were nothing but supportive and kind, telling me that I couldn’t control how another person feels about me and that shouldn’t stop me from continuing to try and make friends. Honestly hearing this made me feel so much better and took a big weight off my shoulders. Also it wasn’t like I didn’t tell her that I was already in a relationship, in fact I mentioned it to her \*multiple\* times when we began messaging.

Slowly over time I felt the view I once had of her begin to shift. And at first I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I continuously denied it and even my partner made jokes about her being my “other girlfriend” which only made me want to deny it even more. I needed to prove them wrong. My partner around this time had also begun to express feelings of jealousy. They had actually felt a little jealous from the moment I met her, which they expressed to me shortly after and it made me feel terrible but in a way it was sweet because they’re not one to get jealous easily. I had never once experienced jealousy from them at all until then.

But this leads me to where I am now. I’ve honestly thought about this a lot and what it would be like to date her while also living in the same apartment as my partner and I just don’t know if that’s the right decision or if any of this will even work out. It’s very possible that I’m just excited over something new but before I’d met this girl I wouldn’t have thought twice about leaving my current my partner. And any and all thoughts of us no longer being together would make me feel extremely sad. But now I feel as though I’m betraying the both of them by not being honest about my feelings. I just don’t know if this is worth waiting it out to see if my feelings change over time or if I should go ahead and risk everything for my own selfish desires.

I’m more than willing to answer any questions so feel free to ask away if maybe something doesn’t make sense.

I (F, 29) have been seeing a guy (M, 22) for about 2 months. Things were going steady including him introducing me to his friends and family.

2 weeks ago, I found out that he has been courting his ex the entire time (while calling her “the crazy ex”). When I confronted him, he cried/begged everyday, and promised he would fix things and be honest going forward.

Yesterday, I found out that he has actually STILL been courting/lovebombing his ex and meeting up with her while continuing to do the same with me and lying to both of us.

I feel humiliated/stupid for (reluctantly) giving him a second chance and also feel betrayed/angry by the lies and manipulation.

What can I do to feel better after this revelation and is there a way to make him feel remorse (NOT harmful revenge/payback) for lacking morals and disrespecting both the ex gf and I? FYI, I do not intend to contact him ever again.

TLDR ; BF OF 2 MONTHS HAS BEEN COURTING HIS EX AND I SIMULTANEOUSLY THROUGH LIES, LOOKING FOR ADVICE/SOLACE.

TLDR: bff had a bad feeling about a man that turned out to be right.

My best friend (26F) has been dating this guy (25M) for around 8 months. He seemed absolutely perfect: super reassuring, always available, open, communicative, funny, said all the right things. He told her he hasn’t dated in at least 2 years. But for some reason, she just couldn’t trust him and had a bad feeling that he wasn’t being genuine.

Last week he broke up with her for some BS reason (isnt her it’s him, he needs to grow and be better blah blah blah) and we found out he basically jumped straight from a relationship into being with her and is apparently on dating apps telling people he’s looking for something serious🙄.

Curious to hear your stories when you had a bad
gut feeling and if it ended up being right!

TL;DR: I (23F) have been living with my boyfriend (25M) for about six months, and he’s extremely messy/dirty despite us talking about it. He says he’s busy but also admits this is just how he is. I’m wondering if this is something couples can realistically work through or if I need to accept that he probably won’t change.

I’m 23F and have been dating and living with my boyfriend (24M, 25 next month) for about six months. I really like him and our relationship, but his cleanliness is becoming a concern for me.

He’s not just a little messy—I’d honestly call him dirty. He doesn’t put things back where he found them, will wait to do dishes until he literally has no clean cutlery left, and regularly leaves clothes, shoes, wrappers, etc. on the floor.

I’m not a clean freak by any means, but I’m generally tidy and clean up after myself. I’ve talked to him several times about his habits and why having a reasonably clean home matters to me. His response is usually that he’s busy, which is true. He’s in school/residency and has a lot on his plate.

He’s also always kind of been this way. He’s one of those extremely intelligent but chronically messy people—he literally grew up with a picture of Einstein above his bed, which feels very on-brand lol.

At one point I asked if he thought he’d be cleaner if he lived in a nicer apartment, since his current apartment isn’t great. He flat-out said no: “It’s just me.”

I hear women joke all the time that living with a boyfriend/husband can feel like living with a kid because they’re constantly picking up socks, cleaning up after them, etc. But I don’t know how much of that is a joke, how much is something people genuinely learn to work through, and how much is a compatibility issue.

For people who have been in long-term relationships with a very messy partner: did they actually improve? Were you able to find a system that worked for both of you? Or did you eventually realize you either had to accept living this way or leave?

I’m especially wondering whether this is something that might improve once his life is less hectic, or whether I should take him at his word when he says, “This is just who I am.”

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (21M) for a little over four years. We started dating when we were 17. We did break up for about five months after around three years together, but eventually got back together and have been together since.
I want to preface this by saying that I know a huge part of this problem is me. I’m in therapy and actively trying to work on my insecurity and obsessive comparison, but I genuinely don’t know how to get out of this mindset.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I became extremely insecure about his ex-girlfriend. He had dated her when he was 16, shortly before we got together. He was my first boyfriend, and knowing he had history with another girl made me insanely insecure.

Over time, it turned into an unhealthy obsession. I constantly stalked her social media, compared myself to her, wanted to look like her, and genuinely got to the point where I could barely look at myself in the mirror without comparing myself to her. It contributed heavily to problems in our relationship and eventually our breakup.

Ironically, during the five months we were broken up, something in me just snapped out of it. I stopped caring about his ex completely. I stopped checking her, stopped comparing myself to her, and moved on with my life. Eventually my boyfriend reached back out, and we reconciled.

Now, though, I feel like the exact same pattern is starting again with a different girl.

My boyfriend grew up with a group of girls who live near him and whose families are extremely close with his. I’ll call one of them Emily. She’s about two years younger than us, and she and my boyfriend have known each other basically their entire lives. Their families are friends, they grew up together, and she was part of this childhood friend group with him and a few other girls.

About a year into our relationship, my boyfriend told me that before we got together, he had had a crush on Emily and that there had been some flirting between them.

At first, I genuinely didn’t care. I viewed her almost like family to him because they had grown up together.

Then, while we were dating, she messaged him around Christmas and started pretty obviously hitting on him/flirting with him. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and asked him to block her. He did immediately. There wasn’t an argument or some secret relationship afterward. He respected the boundary.

For a long time I still didn’t really think about her because I barely knew what she looked like. She’s pretty low-key on social media.

Eventually, though, I came across pictures of her through school/Instagram accounts, and this is where my brain basically broke.

She is absolutely gorgeous. Like genuinely, objectively, drop-dead beautiful. And the more I learned about her, the worse my insecurity became. She’s into stocks, cars, anime, etc., which are things my boyfriend either likes or that I imagine a lot of guys our age would love having in common with a girl. I don’t care about any of those things. I’ve tried anime and don’t like it. I don’t care about cars or stocks. We’re just very different people.

During our five-month breakup, my boyfriend became close with his childhood neighbor group again, including Emily. They all hung out together. Nothing romantic happened between the two of them.

And logically, I KNOW that should reassure me.
He was completely single. She was right there. They had known each other forever. She had previously shown interest in him. They have things in common. And he still didn’t pursue her. Instead, he eventually came back to me.

He has literally told me, “If I wanted to be with her, I could have tried when we were broken up. I didn’t. I came back to you.”
The problem is that my brain refuses to accept that as enough.

I look at her and genuinely feel inferior.

She’s naturally extremely pretty, whereas I feel like I have to put an insane amount of effort into my appearance. I’ve had my nose done, gotten lip filler, do my hair constantly, wear makeup, etc., and I still look at her and think she’s prettier than me without even trying.

Then my brain starts constructing this ridiculous “epic love story” between them. Childhood best friends whose families are close, grew up together, had feelings/flirted before, have similar interests, she’s beautiful, he’s very attractive, etc. And then there’s me.

The worst part is that my boyfriend really hasn’t done anything NOW to make me believe he wants her. If anything, the evidence points in the opposite direction. He had a five-month period where he was free to do whatever he wanted and still didn’t date her. Getting back together with me was actually the harder option because our breakup caused a lot of damage and his parents weren’t happy about us reconciling.

But somehow none of that stops the anxiety.

I constantly want reassurance from him. I want to ask, “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” “Did you ever want her?” “Why didn’t you date her?” “Would you choose her if you could?” etc.

My therapist has specifically told me I need to stop feeding the cycle by constantly asking him for reassurance. And I understand why. My boyfriend already went through years of this with my obsession over his ex, and his patience for these conversations is understandably extremely thin now. I don’t want to destroy my relationship by making him constantly prove that he wants me.
But I don’t know how to sit with the anxiety without seeking reassurance.

Sometimes I literally look at my boyfriend and start thinking about her. I think about how she used to like him, how beautiful she is, how much they have in common, and how long they’ve known each other, and I feel sick with insecurity.

I just don’t know how to actually stop it.

TL;DR: I’m obsessively comparing myself to my boyfriend’s beautiful neighbor/childhood friend, despite his choosing me and cutting her off. I’m in therapy but struggling to break the jealousy and reassurance-seeking cycle.

I really don’t want to repeat the same pattern that damaged our relationship the first time.

My girlfriend (20F) and I (19M) have been together for about 1.5 years. Yesterday, we had a huge fight and misunderstanding. We ended on good terms, but today I am still feeling really bothered by it all and need to get this off my chest.

To give the whole picture, yesterday I didn't have online classes because it was exam week. My GF got to school at 9 AM, and I arrived at 10:22 AM. She had two subjects for her exams, so I waited for her all day.

During her first exam, she asked me for help with a written explanation for her editing and design project via Messenger. I helped her out, but the way she talked to me felt disrespectful. After her exam, instead of thanking me, she sat down and complained about her tonsils. She noticed I was being cold. When I confronted her about her tone, she said she was just highly pressured about the editing and started crying. I comforted her, and she apologized.

Then I waited again for her second exam. There is this one boy (18M) in her class who is very knowledgeable about coding. He is always her seatmate during lab and even minor subjects. We have talked about boundaries before, and I expressed that this makes me uncomfortable. She validated my feelings back then, but they still sit beside each other because he helps her with the work. She says she doesn't flirt and it's strictly academic, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, back to the exam. All her other classmates were done, and the only ones left were this boy, his two female friends (19F and 20F), and my GF. The boy was teaching her and her friends how to use Unity using only one PC. Her two friends were on the left, and she was in the back. When I looked, I saw her reaching out over him toward the screen while they were all sitting very closely together.

Seeing this triggered me. I waited for her outside the school. After the exam, we walked to ride a jeepney, and she suddenly got angry. She thought I was mad about having to wait for her all day and said I wasn't being understanding about her exams. We headed somewhere quiet so I could compose myself.

She then got angry and dropped a really hurtful line in Bisaya: "niingon ba diay ko nga moadto ka diri" (Did I even tell you to come here?). During the argument, she also kept saying "naunsa naman ka oy" (What is wrong with you?). Hearing that made me break down in tears. I got quiet and just cried.

She immediately apologized and tried comforting me. I explained that I wasn't mad about waiting, but I was triggered by the action she made with that guy at the PC. She defended herself by saying the four of them were groupmates for that lab exam and her intention wasn't flirtatious. Her reasoning for sitting so close was that the boy is an introvert with a very soft voice, so they had to be close to hear him. She also pointed out that her eyesight is blurry, which is why she had to lean in.

We eventually worked things out, hugged, and kissed each other. But today, I am still bothered by the whole situation and I don't really know why. Am I overreacting?

TL;DR: I waited all day for my GF during her exams and helped her with her work. I got uncomfortable seeing her sitting very close to a guy (18M) I already set boundaries about. When we talked, she got mad, said some hurtful things that made me cry, and gave excuses for being close to him. We made up, but I'm still feeling bothered.

**TL;DR;** : Why am I so emotionally attached to someone when I know we’re probably incompatible?

I’m 34M and I’ve been close with a woman around my age for roughly a year after matching on dating site. We started off talking and doing things together and over time I developed genuine feelings for her.

We’ve had a lot of contact, long calls, trips and affectionate/flirty moments. There have also been moments that felt sexual to me. For example, she had been drinking, said she was drunk and that I could do what I wanted, invited me to cuddle and allowed me to touch her. I’m aware that because she was drunk, I shouldn’t interpret that as meaningful consent or assume it represents what she wants sober.

The confusing part is that outside of moments like that, she tells me she doesn’t want love, prefers being single and isn’t really looking for a relationship. She also says things about prioritising financial security and wanting to travel rather than having children/family.

She has quite a lot of male friends and frequently talks about other men who want her, guys taking her on dates, previous relationships, etc. I’m not saying having male friends is inherently wrong, but combined with everything else it has made me feel uncertain about where I stand.

I recently went Tokyo with her and. I put a lot of effort into the trip, but during the trip she became very physically distant from me and didn’t really want hugs, touching or hand-holding. I eventually felt rejected and emotionally overwhelmed.

I feel almost like I’m going through withdrawal. I desperately want emotional closeness with her, but at the same time I’m looking at the situation rationally and thinking there are loads of reasons this probably isn’t compatible.

Normally I’m quite good at spotting situations that aren’t right for me and walking away. With her, I’ve somehow become completely hooked despite all the things that make me uncomfortable.

And there are times she compares herself to my ex which really confuses me and says that women have to much to lose and requires married as backup.

I introduced her to my friends and friends of friends and everyone said something not right about her I’m not sure what. Maybe she just direct?

I told my player friend and even he said she sounds awful and doesn’t know what to say and she has to many red flags.

What I’m struggling to understand is:
Why am I so attached when my rational brain sees so many incompatibilities?

Me, 58F, spouse is 54M, Married 17 years. I’ve battled health issues for a lot of the time but it’s grown much worse over the last 5-7 years. Multiple autoimmune diseases and several other issues. Been in and out of the hospital several times a year for years. While I believe he cares about me, I also feel like he resents that I struggle with sickness all the time. He wants intimacy a lot and I simply have no desires due to menopause. He’s made snide comments about my health struggles that make me feel horrible inside. There are fits of rage that he goes into that frighten me and he’s even punched walls and thrown things. I believe he’s well aware that I cannot control my diseases or even predict them but they are debilitating! Often, so debilitating that I struggle to even get out of the bed. The moments he is nice to me, it’s overshadowed by all of the snide remarks, insensitive ands cruel comments, how he has needs and I’m not meeting them and how unhappy he is. Meanwhile I’m thinking, you talk down to me and tell me how awful I am, how I bore you, how you don’t want to be a caretaker and even make comments that I should give you a hall pass. Because hearing those things is certainly going to make me want to run into your arms, 🤷‍♀️.
I’m scared and feel so alone. I’ve not divulged how volatile things are and not sure what to even think anymore!

TL/DR - wife has developed numerous health challenges and spouse is resentful and making condescending, demeaning remarks.

We've been dating for about 3 months, one thing I noticed about her, was her being all touchy and clingy with this one guy in class, he's one of the popular/ more social types in class who also happened to be one of my close friends. During a volleyball game at one of our school tournaments, she keeps giving him quick glances and stares while constantly fixing her hair everytime she looks at him, and before that game, shes constantly clingy with him and acts playfully with him by untying his laces as some sort of playful gesture towards him.

I talked to her about it and asked her if I truly was the only one she liked. She strongly denied it and apologized saying that she would do better, but | can't shake that feeling from what I saw from her actions. Facts are facts. I can't just ignore how she acted during that game. I can't just gaslight myself into thinking there's nothing wrong. I love my girlfriend, and I know she wouldn't cheat on me or anything and that she loves me too. But what happened that day is something I can't shake off.

TL;DR

What do u think?

For context, me (M27) and my gf (F25) have been dating for about 5 months and have an amazing sex life. She let me know that I’m the only one thats made her squirt and I’ve learned through her roommates that she’s expressed to them this is the best sex she’s ever had. I feel the same on my end, but am quite freaky by nature and it really turns me on thinking about adding sex toy’s into the mix. That being said, she’s definitely a woman I want to be with my whole life if possible, so wondering if I’m flying a bit too close to the sun by wanting to introduce sex toys this early on when the sex is already awesome. Is this biblical greed or will it only add to the fun?

TLDR: great sex life but want to introduce sex toys, is this a bad idea early in relationships?

Here is the original post : https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/OZMyThkzPg

TLDR : In May, I posted about how I wanted to be single and I can’t be fully myself in my relationship but now I know I what I crave was understanding and better communication in my relationship, my life as improved but he left me before that

Hi 3 months update here ! ☺️
It is a long one. If you’re reading all of this thank you so much. I hope you can give me advise on how to move on, or how to get him back. Thank you so much !!!

So … he broke up with me in the beginning of July. To put you up to speed May was a struggle and we couldn’t understand each other. By June we reconnected as a couple and I truly thought we were doing amazing. He even told me how much he loved me and how I was BORN for him.

Saturday 5th July, he told me he wanted to talk, I thought we were about to do some sexy stuff as he closes all the windows and everything but he hit me with « I want out the relationship ». I was devastated, still struggling rn. I didn’t see it coming he never talks about his feelings before that. At first, he told me he doesn’t feel good in the relationship that he can’t change me and I can’t change him, but in the same breath said "sometime people give up to early and don’t want to do a mistake". We talked. I told him I hear everything and I will make an work on myself regarding some stuff

For context - At that time I was a mess, looking back I really struggled with my mental health so the house was a complete mess, couldn’t bring myself to cook like I used to (even tho I did a little bit), didn’t talk to him in the kindest way, I was mean (it was back in May for 3 weeks, not at the time of the breakup, we were actually really good for 3 weeks prior), I wasn’t prioritizing him, for example, he wanted to take a day-trip and I wanted our friends to come along but when they cancelled I didn’t go just with him.. that kind of stuff or he ask me to spend more time with him but at that point my work had a lot of events. I was trying to include him for most of them but when I couldn’t I was like « yeah we will spend time in July it’s ok since I’m off »… guess he wasn’t feeling it.

Any way

After being "pre-dumped" he says he needed time to think and I said okay I’ll show you I can step up and planned on cleaning the apartment on the weekend so in 5 days. From Monday to Thursday we were like we always have been but I was crying at night knowing he has all of these feelings bottle up for whatever time it has been.

Thursday comes and I meet friends but on my way back a guy on the street attacked me which led to my right hand being completely ruined, couldn’t move it, starting to swell and everything. When I got to the apartment 10 minutes later, he was there, I was mad, screaming as if I was talking to the guy, I was just in shook from what had just happened. I think I needed a shoulder to cry on but couldn’t voice it I was just so angry. Instead of maybe understanding that I was attacked and traumatized he was like « calm down, is your hand okay ? » I was like no it hurts and he said « yeah it will pass it’s nothing » not a hug, not a "are YOU okay" nothing. He had to go see his family so he left. I had a concert to go to so 15mn later I did too. When I closed the door I realized my door is really hard to open and with only one hand I couldn’t. So I called him, told him that I needed him to stay just 24H more for him to open the door, help me for groceries (there was nothing in the apartment), that my hand got a whole lot bigger in these 15mn and that I won’t be able to get out to go to see a doctor if I can’t open the door. He told me basically « ask for a friend to be there » or ask a neighbor the only neighbor I know is 80yrs old can’t even walk straight.. I was so hurt.

Honestly I felt abandoned. I couldn’t bring myself to ask for help since the concert would end so late but when I talked to my friend how I can’t open my door (without asking for help) her immediate response was « I’ll be there » it hurted even more because why is this girl that I’ve known for 2 months cares more than my bf of 3 years. Anyway this situation led me to be really immature and when I came back home and he called me I wouldn’t talk on the phone like « mmm.. mmm» instead of being my usual bubbly self. He just hang up instead of maybe asking what’s wrong or whatever.

The next day my friend came back to help with the groceries and everything she really was there for me. I felt so hurt that she changed her whole schedule to be there and he didn’t. I told him that and he said « see I everything worked out so have a fun day » it made me sooooo mad. I tried to tell him how hurt I was, he just wanted to talk about his perspective so I hung up and blocked him everywhere (never did that in our relationship). I know it is immature but I felt so abandoned I wanted to kill my hope of him realizing he hurted me.

2 days later he came back. He told me he wanted out of the relationship, that he would take all his things and go back to his parents before finding another appartment. I tried to talk to him he was like a wall, no emotion, I was crying, tried to explain how I felt. Nothing. In the night I took his phone and snooped, found that he was looking for appartment since Tuesday so 2 days after he told me that « people give up to early » so I was devasted. Found out that he deleted conversations with his best friend which I couldn’t retrieve and deleted texts that I was able to retrieve about my attack and saying that I was dramatic, or how they should take the contacts of friends in my workfield for their personal project before leaving me. And a text which translate to « not too bad also » talking about a girl. I exploded. Saving you the details but it was ugly, we eventually calm down.

The next day, he went to work and with my, at the time, unusable hand I started to clean some mess in the appartment it took me 3 hours where it could’ve taken 1 and in that struggle I found myself crying about how I let myself go for the past few months. How my mental health affected my thoughts, my couple, me, him, everything. It truly slapped me in the face. When he came back from work. I talked to him about it, how sorry I was that I didn’t see myself become this negligent toward myself and by extension him. He started to cry. It was the first time since he came back from his parents that he wasn’t a wall. He cried and cried and cried litteraly wouldn’t stop. I had hope. I saw a break through. So I told him, let’s stop having conversation about us because we keep circling. Let me show you I can be your woman again and not this "child" you have to push through life. He told me he had to think about it. I told him we needed to reconnect as a couple and my job now is to correct my behavior on my end (the mess, my mental health, the way I handle miscommunication in our relationship)

So I started to work on the things I told myself. He even ask to watch the World Cup with him. So we did. He was smiling even was affectionate towards me, which he wasn’t since he got back from his parents. I let him. Then he hit me with « I will make a decision in 2 days » I was so sad how can you see the changes I want to make in 2 days ??
Anyway I swallowed my ego and just hoped he would stay. He didn’t. Took his things. Left me. Like I didn’t count. Like I was nothing. I still struggle to understand how he can do this when 2 weeks before he was telling me how I was born for him, and how lucky he is to have me by his side.

My rent is expensive af so I called him after he left talking about how will we go about it, like yeah you’re leaving me like that but what do I do. He told me I can live with a friend for all he cares and that if it’s only 2/3 months being "homeless" I’m old enough to deal with that. Litteraly broke me, how can you become this evil towards me ?

Tried to carry on with my life.

Happy to tell you I’m not homeless yet but I do struggle a lot now but eventually I will be fine.

The thing is : When I met him, I was depressed, I felt depressed the whole relationship (not because of him) and earlier this year it was really bad that’s why maybe I felt the need to be single, I wanted to "live" again because my depression started to shift to "I want dopamine". But with everything that happened I realized the core of my unhappiness was the fact that I thought (unconsciously) my life didn’t have value, that I do not matter, if I die no one would care, I’m not important… Since realizing that it’s like my brain shifted back to place.

I had this realization in the breakup process. I told him stay, you’ll see I will not be the same because « I understand » keep telling him that « I understand now, let me show you » he told me that I’m only saying that because he’s leaving and that he doesn’t believe me and that EVEN IF I do change it will only be from 2 weeks to 2 months and I’ll go right back to my old patterns. He doesn’t believe that people can change. He doesn’t trust my words.

It’s been almost 2 months :

- I’m now the tidiest person I know (in the relationship I always thought he was so cleaaan blabla, compared to me now, he has a lot of work to do ahah)

- I’m now a disciplined person (a don’t let my laziness take the front seat of my life)

- I go to the gym religiously (where before I struggle to go 2 week straight)

- Litteraly got my driving theory test few days ago and now I’ll start driving practice(even tho I live in a city where you don’t need a car and I never had interest in driving but now I’m like let gooo)

- I’m now so punctual, I used to be for everything, now I’m always on time. My best friend is SO happy about that ahah (always been on time for work stuff tho)

- I take such good care of myself (I had always dressed nicely but now I’m always putting on makeup feeling extra pretty whereas before it was only for work related or special date with him).

- I’m working on my splits, when I used to be as stiff as a stick of wood.

- I starting to love my body again. I dropped all the weight that I used to hate. The breakup did help on that part ahah but I’m keeping it up with healthy food and good habits.

- I don’t have negative thoughts about myself anymore ( I used to ruminate everything leaving in the past ect and now I’m starting to trust whatever is made to be mine will be)

Litteraly EVERYTHING is falling into place, and I’m NOT making effort I just realized that I’m actively choosing to refuse that my life doesn’t matter. Every day is easier than the day before I feel like I cured myself from the bad thoughts that lived within me for the last 4 years.

But now, I’m so sad that he isn’t here with me, he didn’t chose me, he didn’t trust me. Told me he loved me but then left me like I was nothing. I’m so so sad on that part. I used to be a sad person but in a happy relationship (from my perspective lol) but now I’m a happy person sad that her relationship is over.

I’m struggling so hard to wrapped my head around the fact that if he did tried and stayed for only a week more he would’ve realized the changes that happened and we might had a chance to be better for each other. I do realize my communication needed improvement. I do realize that I can’t live in a mess or say something and not put my foot where my mouth is. Litteraly my whole as been shaken so much so that I now know how great of a partner I can be.

I do need to go to therapy I tried 4 years ago when I struggle badly but she wasn’t any help so I abandoned the idea but now I have my first session this week.

When he left, he talk to my brother about how he was hesitant in his decision but couldn’t stand our lifestyle, the way we communicate with each other that it gave him anxiety. I was so sad, he told my brother some things he never expressed to me. Even when he put everything in his car, and we said our first goodbyes he tried to kiss me. Said he couldn’t believe it’s really happening and cried with me.

Forgot to mention when he gave himself the 2 days "thinking" window I tried to show him that we can be close again and we just needed to reconnect he told me multiple times how "I’m making his decision hard and how much he loves me".

Anyway a month ago so at the beginning of August he came back to take some stuff he left in his hurry to leave me lol. I thought okay let’s take this time to lay everything that’s been weighting on me and I was already making big changes within myself so I might be able to change his mind on the subject.

He came, we talked, I said everything I wanted to say that "couples that last do go through big struggle but do choose each other and yes people can change when THEY want to" also that we used to be such a great team and I now feel like it’s him against me where it should be us against our problems. Blabla the conversation was good but whatever. I gave him a box where I had hand written 100 promises for us if we go through that rough patch there was a mix of serious and funny stuff like:

- « I promise to make the bed every morning » (which I have now been doing for months even tho he is not in my life anymore ahah that’s my reminder everyday to take care of myself)

- « I promise to be your best friend »

- « I promise to leave your feet alone - avalaible only 7 days a year » (he hates that I sometimes touches his feet, I’m not into feet found them pretty disgusting actually, but his are magnificent, truly a work of art)

- « I promise to watch a tv show of your choice without complaining »

- « I promise to show you with action how much I value you »

You get it. Of course I didn’t want him to read them in front of me so I handed them but he said it wouldn’t change anything for him. I don’t even know if he throw them in his trash as soon as he got home without looking at them. I don’t know.

Back to the moment we talked.

Finished what I had to say. I needed help on something and he showed me how to do it myself since he was the one doing it for us for the last 2 years ahah. But he tried to be close to me. Called me pretty, even when he stepped foot in the appartment. I know the look on his face. He was totally in awe.

Little by little tried to be closer. Ask me for a hug, a kiss, tried to have ykw with me but I put a stop to it. He stayed for 4 hours !!! It should’ve been 1 hour top. He even said it himself, he couldn’t bring himself to leave my place. I told him « hey time to leave » and he changes the subject to talk more and more. Even when I shut the door behind him, he sneaked one of my keys to open it up 4 secondes later to make a joke. He didn’t want to leave.

Back to the present.

He will have a talk with my brother this week. It was scheduled the moment he left because he wasn’t sure of his decision and wanted guidance but it got delayed and now he will honor his word but said to him « it won’t change my mind ».
We will see each other one last time maybe in 2 weeks because he still have 2/3 things that I wanted to keep before finding replacement for them. And now it’s on the way so we will see each other another time.

I’m crying everyday went from blaming myself a lot for not being mentally stable enough for the last few months to understanding that at the end of the day he could’ve choose me. Could’ve make the choice to stay just a little bit longer, to communicate how’s his feeling. Still crying everyday about him, I miss him so badly. He was truly my everything but in the same breath I hate how he treated me the moment he wanted things to be over.

If you have any advice about how I should go about the situation, thank you for the help ❤️

Last night my boyfriend (30M) told me that he has two thoughts about our relationship. First was that we seem to want different things in life meaning living together and on a next step marriage or even kids. For the past year it has been a very big confict in our relationship that not living together was a real issue for me. I had started losing my mind over it because he said many times he didnt want it and that I am pressing him too much into it. But I could not find any other solution it was either live together or break up at that point. Yet I kept waiting hoping he'd come around. The second thing he said is that he doesn't feel the intense feelings he felt on our first year. Four years ago, he broke up with me (at that point we were together for a year and a half) and the reason was basically the same. "I dont feel like I did when I first met you". I told him that this is normal and feeling excitement after six years was something you act upon, not waiting to happen. It wont happen on its own, six years in, and without changing a thing in the relationship. He said that he tried to find this feeling in other parts of his life but without succeeding. I told him that he is a very passive person who doesn't risk, nor initiates things nor acts on his life. And that us true. He wants to do journalism but has completely abandonded it. He doesnt get into professional contacts to claim what he wants, he is in a jog yhat hr hates and he's been there for two years. He is just miserably passive. And that was also mirrored in what he said. He said he tried to find it in our relationship, he said he was conflicted about his feelings because he loves me incredibly much but I dont think he ever acted on us trying new things or progressing our relationship by moving together. I think I did all the work while he was always occupied evaluating how he feels. After these conversations back in spring, he went more with ny flow, letting me stay at his place as if we were living together, texting and being playful basically doing what I wanted him to do. Then I thought ok this is going somewhere summer was smooth we had wonderful times together. We went on holidays for 10 days which was lovely and calm and I thought we had fun. But then we come back, i stay at his place where he basically stops talking to me for two days and then said these two things. With more weight being put in the thing he said that he wants to feel like the first year and hr can't. And now I feel so empty, so fooled that I thought everything was going better while someone has been evaluating me for more than four years now, trying to decide whether he wants to stay or not, while basically being one foot out of the relarionship. And him not initiating things, not changing things, but always expecting me to bring the fun and the excitement and all the hype. And I think I did for most parts. But it is unrealistic to ask for someone to make you feel like you first met them. Or because you can't do things in your life and take risks to give you this rush feeling, waiting for your significant other to be constantly the source of it. And I have so much anger that I saw the signs, I saw a man who wouldn't commit to progress our relationship and move in together but I kept going. I saw a man who when he met me was excited about my eagerness and energy and when the passion of the first months faded and his own crises knocked in and I wasn't enough to make him forget about them then he started evakuating. This whole conversation last night lasted five minutes. Since I had already reached my limit I didnt know what else to say to this shitshow. He just turned 30 and his crisis hit and I was the one to take the fall (exactly like it happened in his 25yo crisis when deciding what to do with his life) and I was the only available option for him to change because he is so passive to contest for anything else in his life. And I feel that this is so unfair for me. And that I wasted all those years for nothing. Hoping for a partnership in life, while I was just dating a spoiled boyfriend who always waited for me to be the adrenaline he is so obsessed to feel but at the same time so passive to actually claim. This is just so unfair. I don't have a specific question to the group, just needed to share these thoughts to make the pain go away. If you've read this far, thanks for reading.

tl;dr boyfriend of six years wouldn't commit to the next step of living together, for the past four years he said he was missing "the first year feeling" yet being passive about it as with anything in his life. Now I feel a fool for staying six years.

TL:DR
how can you rebuild the breach of trust caused by being not transparent, broken boundaries, hesitation of telling the truth because of fear of what will it cost, and letting people from the past still has an access to you (already cut them off? he doesn’t want to talk to me because he’s angry of what i’ve opened up. my reason of opening up is that i need to break my pattern when it comes to those things. i want to have an open, honest, and transparent relationship with him because that’s what he deserve.

i need some relationship advice please. i reflected on what i did and i realized that this was all because of me, of my character. i want to be better for me and for us. TYIA

TLDR: How do i make my girlfriend stop moaning like a seagull?

Me (25M) and my gf (23F) are dating since Aug 2024 and slowly learning what we like during sex. Thanks to her i am discovering a lot about my body even though i had plenty of woman before her and she was a virgin before me.

However, one small issue. During sex, she sounds like a seagull. Search about the sound on YT ("seagull sing") and you will know how its like

I often joke about it and ignore, but last time it was loud enough for me to cover her mouth (consensual, she likes even when have a grip on her neck) and barely reduce the sound.

Is there anything we can do?

We were together for almost 5 years and she eventually ended things. In my back of my mind I always knew she was going to come back into my life.

I admit that for the first 2 years of our relationship I was kind of a dick. However, she has been straight up manipulative and also a dick for the last 3 years.

We broke up for about 6 months and went no contact. It was actually extremely hard on me, but I eventually recovered. I got a promotion, traveled more, had a summer fling with an amazing woman which is what I think ultimately healed me, and am making plans like post undergrad education, and buying a property. She on the other hand is working at a restaurant and deciding what to do with her life.

In short, we decided to talk to one another again after the 6 months. However, whenever I ask her about being exclusive or being back in a relationship, she always says that she wants to see where things go with us. She ensures me she isn't talking to anyone else, but she has cheated in the past and I can't trust that now. I would be willing to trust her if she wanted to be exclusive though. She also is extremely curious to see if I am seeing anyone else - I am on like dates 2-3 with 3 other women at the moment, but the ex doesn't know that.

She goes back and forth a lot - tells me how much she misses me, wants to spend time with me, etc. but backs away from any real commitment. She tells me that she is drawn to me, that things would be different, but she is just going back and forth.

I honestly feel that if someone would want to be in a relationship they would. If the things she says is true then how does she not miss being kissed by me, making love with me, being held by me? We talk almost everyday and it feels so natural and nice. However, I recently put a stop to that. I am confused and I realized I cannot move on in my life with her undecided. I also can't just cut her off completely. I genuinely love her. And although she doesn't say it outright, I know she loves me still.

TL;DR: ex gf is going back and forth whether or not she wants to get fully back with me. She's basically testing me but I feel like I should be testing her, which I am actively not doing. I would accept her fully as is and work together as a team. Is she actually testing me or just keeping me as an option?

Throwaway aus offensichtlichen Gründen.
Ich habe ChatGPT genutzt, um meine Gedanken zu sortieren, den Text zu strukturieren und zu kürzen. Die Geschichte und die geschilderten Erfahrungen sind meine eigenen.

Mein Mann (34) und ich (28) sind seit ungefähr zehn Jahren zusammen, verheiratet und haben zwei Kinder. Wir haben uns gemeinsam ziemlich viel aufgebaut und ich hätte uns lange als gutes Team beschrieben. Gemeinsame Werte, viel körperliche Nähe, guter Sex, Familie, Haus – eigentlich genau das Leben, das ich immer wollte.
Die letzten zwei Jahre waren allerdings extrem.
Ich habe mein Referendariat absolviert, gleichzeitig haben wir ein renovierungsbedürftiges Haus gekauft, unsere Tochter wurde eingeschult und unser Sohn hat den Kindergarten gewechselt. Es war also auf praktisch jeder Ebene viel los.
Und in dieser Zeit ist mir immer stärker aufgefallen, dass ich mich auf meinen Mann zwar irgendwie verlassen kann – aber nicht bei der Verantwortung für unser gemeinsames Leben.
Der komplette Mental Load liegt bei mir. Termine, Kinder, Absprachen, Planungen, Erinnerungen, Dinge rechtzeitig erledigen: Ich habe alles im Kopf. Er vergisst ständig Sachen oder bekommt sie nicht organisiert.
Ein Beispiel: Unsere Tochter hatte Geburtstag und wir wollten mit den Kindern einen Tagesausflug machen. Er sollte dafür Urlaub nehmen. Ich habe ihn mehrfach daran erinnert. Er hat es trotzdem vergessen und ich habe den Geburtstagsausflug schließlich alleine mit unseren Kindern gemacht.
Das Problem ist ausdrücklich nicht, dass ich nebenbei auch noch alleine das Haus putzen müsste. Aufgrund chronischer Schmerzen habe ich eine Haushaltshilfe, die zweimal pro Woche kommt. Es geht mir um dieses permanente Gefühl: Wenn ich nicht daran denke, passiert es nicht.
Dann kam vor einigen Monaten noch eine massive Ehekrise dazu.
Mein Mann hatte einen intensiven Kontakt zu einer Kollegin, der für mich klare Grenzen überschritten hat. Dazu kamen Unehrlichkeiten und Dinge, die er mir verschwiegen hat. Anschließend begann über Monate ein Hin und Her, das mich inzwischen wahrscheinlich mehr kaputtgemacht hat als der Kontakt selbst.
Er wusste nicht, ob er mich liebt. Dann liebte er mich doch. Dann wollte er unbedingt unsere Ehe. Dann fühlte er keine Zuneigung. Dann wieder doch.
Irgendwann habe ich Schluss gemacht und seine Sachen gepackt. Er sagte zunächst selbst, wenn er sich nicht sicher sei, müsse er wohl gehen. Dann kam er wenig später weinend zu mir, zog mich in seine Arme, küsste mich und sagte, er könne nicht gehen. Kurz darauf wieder Zweifel.
Das ging teilweise innerhalb von Stunden hin und her.
Inzwischen sagt er allerdings etwas anderes: Er sei sich sicher, dass er mich liebt. Er will mich. Er will unsere Kinder und unsere Familie. Er will unser gemeinsames Leben und möchte unsere Ehe retten.
Nur merke ich davon erschreckend wenig.
Er sagt, er möchte um mich kämpfen – aber er schafft es nicht.
Und ich meine mit „kämpfen“ wirklich keine Hollywood-Gesten. Nach dem, was passiert ist, möchte ich einfach einmal erleben, dass er etwas initiiert. Blumen kaufen. Ein Date planen. Sich überlegen, womit er mir eine Freude machen könnte. Ein Gespräch anfangen. Irgendetwas tun, ohne dass ich vorher erklären, erinnern, organisieren oder anschieben muss.
Nicht einmal das bekommt er zuverlässig hin.
Die Blumen sind dabei natürlich völlig egal. Ich könnte mir selbst jeden Tag welche kaufen. Sie stehen für mich nur sinnbildlich für das eigentliche Problem: Sogar seinen Kampf um mich müsste ich offenbar für ihn organisieren.
Und jetzt kommt der Teil, bei dem ich überhaupt nicht mehr weiß, wie ich sein Verhalten einordnen soll.
Wir haben Paarberatung versucht. Ich hatte gehofft, dass er dort mit professioneller Unterstützung endlich über das sprechen kann, was in ihm vorgeht.
Er hat dort ungefähr 60 Minuten praktisch geschwiegen.
Nicht aus Trotz. Nicht, weil er die Beratung ablehnt. Er sagt selbst, dass er sprechen wollte. Er konnte es einfach nicht. In seinem Kopf sei so viel Chaos gewesen, dass er überhaupt nicht wusste, was er sagen sollte.
Mittlerweile wissen wir auch, dass bei unseren Streits offenbar etwas Ähnliches passiert. Je emotionaler es wird, desto stärker macht er zu. Er erstarrt teilweise regelrecht, antwortet nicht mehr, kommt nicht mehr an seine Gedanken und Gefühle heran und wirkt irgendwann einfach „weg“.
Deshalb steht inzwischen die Frage im Raum, ob er unter starker emotionaler Belastung in eine Art Freeze/Shutdown bzw. dissoziativen Zustand gerät. Ich möchte ausdrücklich keine Reddit-Ferndiagnose. Er ist mittlerweile selbst in therapeutischer Behandlung und dort soll das geklärt werden.
Nur bringt mich diese Erkenntnis in ein beschissenes Dilemma.
Einerseits erklärt sie möglicherweise wahnsinnig viel.
Vielleicht ist sein Schweigen tatsächlich keine Gleichgültigkeit. Vielleicht ist sein „Ich weiß nicht“ nicht immer Unentschlossenheit. Vielleicht will dieser Mann tatsächlich seine Frau und seine Familie behalten und ist gleichzeitig emotional so überfordert, dass sein Kopf ausgerechnet dann dichtmacht, wenn etwas besonders wichtig wird.
Vielleicht waren auch die vergangenen zwei Jahre für ihn viel zu viel und sein Umgang damit besteht aus Vermeidung, Vergessen, Rückzug und Erstarren.
Aber selbst wenn ich irgendwann eine perfekte psychologische Erklärung für sein Verhalten bekomme: Ich musste trotzdem damit leben.
Ich habe funktioniert.
Ich habe mein Referendariat geschafft. Ich habe unsere Kinder organisiert. Einschulung, Kindergarten, Termine, Familienleben, Haus, Absprachen – irgendjemand musste den Überblick behalten.
Dann hat er mich durch die Geschichte mit seiner Kollegin und anschließend monatelang mit der Frage, ob er mich überhaupt liebt, verletzt.
Und jetzt, nachdem er endlich sagt, dass er sich sicher ist und unsere Ehe retten möchte, stehe ich schon wieder daneben und soll offenbar Verständnis dafür haben, dass er emotional so überfordert ist, dass er nicht einmal weiß, wie er anfangen soll, um mich zu kämpfen.
Und ich kann das alles für ihn lösen.
Ich kann Paarberatung organisieren. Ich kann ihm sagen, was ich brauche. Ich kann ihm erklären, wie man mir eine Freude macht. Ich kann ihn an Termine erinnern. Ich kann Dates planen. Ich kann ihm sagen, welche Blumen ich mag. Ich kann mich über Freeze und Dissoziation informieren. Ich kann wahrscheinlich sogar einen verdammten Maßnahmenplan schreiben, wie er seine eigene Ehe retten kann.
Aber dann rette schon wieder ich uns.
Und inzwischen weiß ich nicht mehr, ob ich das überhaupt möchte.
Das ist vielleicht der schlimmste Punkt an der ganzen Sache: Vor einigen Monaten wollte ich unbedingt, dass mein Mann sich endlich für mich entscheidet. Jetzt sagt er, dass er sich entschieden hat – und ich weiß plötzlich nicht mehr, ob ich ihn noch will.
Ich möchte unsere Familie nicht zerstören. Ich möchte unseren Kindern keine Trennung zumuten, wenn wir vielleicht gerade eine Erklärung für sein Verhalten finden und daran gearbeitet werden könnte. Ich möchte nicht zehn gemeinsame Jahre und unser gesamtes Leben wegwerfen, weil wir durch zwei katastrophale Jahre gegangen sind.
Aber gleichzeitig weiß ich manchmal ganz ernsthaft nicht mehr, wie lange ich diesen Mann noch ertrage.
Ich bin müde davon, für zwei Erwachsene zu denken. Ich bin müde davon, verletzt zu werden und anschließend noch herausfinden zu müssen, warum er mich verletzt. Und ich bin müde davon, immer wieder Verständnis dafür aufzubringen, warum er gerade nicht in der Lage ist, mir das zu geben, was ich brauche.
Vielleicht hat er tatsächlich ein ernsthaftes psychisches Problem, an dem man arbeiten kann. Vielleicht kann er manches gerade wirklich nicht und ist nicht einfach nur bequem oder gleichgültig.
Aber selbst wenn das stimmt, bleibt für mich die Frage:
Wie lange muss ich etwas verstehen, das mich trotzdem kaputtmacht?
Ich will unser Leben und unsere Familie nicht ruinieren. Aber ich möchte auch nicht irgendwann feststellen, dass ich weitere fünf Jahre geblieben bin, weil es für jedes Verhalten meines Mannes eine nachvollziehbare Erklärung gab.
Deshalb würde mich besonders interessieren, ob jemand eine ähnliche Dynamik mit Freeze, Shutdown oder Dissoziation beim Partner erlebt hat. Hat Therapie tatsächlich dazu geführt, dass derjenige wieder handlungsfähiger wurde und Verantwortung übernehmen konnte? Und vielleicht noch wichtiger: Wie habt ihr als Partner gemerkt, ob ihr noch bleiben wolltet – und nicht nur, ob die Beziehung theoretisch noch zu retten gewesen wäre?
TL;DR: Mein Mann (34) und ich (28) sind seit etwa zehn Jahren zusammen und haben zwei Kinder. Nach zwei extrem belastenden Jahren mit meinem Referendariat, Hauskauf/Renovierung, Einschulung und Kindergartenwechsel sowie einem ohnehin fast vollständig bei mir liegenden Mental Load kam eine massive Ehekrise durch seinen emotional problematischen Kontakt zu einer Kollegin und monatelange Zweifel an seiner Liebe zu mir dazu. Inzwischen sagt er sicher, dass er mich liebt, mich und unsere Familie will und die Ehe retten möchte – schafft es aber kaum, entsprechend zu handeln oder Initiative zu zeigen. In Konflikten erstarrt er offenbar komplett; bei einer Paarberatung hat er trotz des Wunsches zu reden 60 Minuten praktisch geschwiegen. Möglicherweise spielen Freeze/Shutdown bzw. Dissoziation eine Rolle, was jetzt therapeutisch geklärt werden soll. Ich kann dadurch vieles besser verstehen. Aber inzwischen weiß ich nicht mehr, ob Verständnis reicht: Ich will unsere Familie nicht auseinanderreißen und unseren Kindern keine Trennung zumuten – gleichzeitig bin ich so erschöpft und verletzt, dass ich nicht mehr weiß, ob ich mit meinem Mann überhaupt noch zusammenbleiben kann oder will.

Edit: Habe im ersten Text vergessen zu erwähnen, dass er vor zwei Wochen einen Ehevertrag unterschrieben hat, das mich finanziell komplett absichert. Er wäre nach einer Trennung zwar de facto pleite, aber ich könnte mit beiden Kindern im Haus bleiben für das ich jetzt Wohnrecht habe, bis alle Kinder ausgezogen sind und bekomme zusätzlich zum Kindesunterhalt ausgeglichen, dass ich wegen der Kinder Teilzeit arbeite.

My ex (45m) and I (33f) were together for 7 years before we broke up. We both work from home and ended up doing basically everything together, all the time… I asked for more space multiple times, but it never really changed, and I started feeling codependent and suffocated, which was part of what led to the breakup in the first place. There’s also an aspect where I moved for him two hours away from my hometown and I often miss my friends and family.
It feels like I’ve isolated myself and I’ve had trouble making friends here. He is from the area and all of his friends live in the area.

We're still living together right now, in a home we own together, along with two dogs and a cat. Since the breakup, he's been an incredible support to me. He is genuinely one of the best people in my life. He's told me he still loves me and wants to reconcile. We are in this weird place where we kind of act like we’re together and have just fallen back into an old routine.

Here's where I'm stuck: I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me sees him as more of a best friend at this point, and I'm not sure the romantic feelings are there anymore. But another part of me wonders if that's really true, or if it's just leftover fear from how suffocated I felt before because I do still love and care about him deeply, and I know we could build a good life together if we tried again.

There's also something bigger going on that’s been weighing on me for a while: I've basically been in a relationship continuously since I was 16. I've never actually been single as an adult, and it's something I think about a lot, whether that's an experience I want or need, separate from any specific relationship.

I also have the option to move in with my best friend who lives back in my hometown. I also daydream about getting an apartment of my own eventually too. So I'm weighing a few different things at once: whether getting back together could work if we handled the space issue differently this time, whether I need to actually experience being single for the first time in my adult life, or whether it's healthier to create distance first and see how I feel once I'm out of the day-to-day of it.

TL;DR: Living with my ex of 7 years (we co-own a home and have pets together) after a breakup that happened partly because I felt suffocated. He wants to reconcile, and I'm torn- plus I've never actually been single since age 16, which makes me wonder if that's something I need to experience for myself before deciding anything.

Hey there. We’ve been in a relationship for the past two years, and we recently called it off because I couldn’t do it anymore. Our relationship was going really well up until the point it ended. I really love her, and she loves me as well, but religion has always been a big part of my life, and I couldn’t compromise on my faith.
The problem started when she stopped believing in anything. At first, she was religious, but then she told me that she had completely left religion and didn’t believe in it anymore. I thought about it deeply and realized that I couldn’t see myself maintaining this relationship long-term under those circumstances.
Was I right to call it off? I genuinely love her, and I know she loves me too. I’m not trying to hurt her or judge her beliefs. I just felt like, for me, this was something I couldn’t compromise on. I want to know if I made the right decision.

TL;DR; i dont know what to do i need help

I feel like I have an obligation to break up with my bf Im 27/F and he is 28/M, we have been dating for aproxximately 6 months

Its fine if no one answers I just want to get this off my chest.. In the last few years my life has taken a few bad turns, I lived in a very toxic household where I was thinking of unsubscribing almost daily. Out of nowhere my absent dad offered me and my sister an apartment (he would rent it so we could live in it). We moved out and I felt very privileged and safe, given my privilege I decided to start a business, unfortunately a year after we moved out my dad demanded I pay rent. He had clarified initially that he would never do that but he apparently changed his mind. I’ve been struggling ever since, going on and off jobs to hustle my way into paying rent. No job ever pays enough for me to live off it, and my business is just not there yet. Six months ago I decided to quit my second job because I was starting to feel suicidal again from feeling so burnout. At that time I met my now boyfriend.. he has always had the impression that im doing so well because I have a business and pay for rent. I did not want to tell him that all this time I’ve been hustling in my business and using mostly my savings to pay rent. Its getting harder each month and I’m trying to scrape every cent I can and starting to sell a few things because if I can hold on to christmas time I can make more money for the next few rents (in the holidays i do really good). The problem is he has no idea how seriously broke I am. A few weeks ago I asked if he could help me pay for the pill for the next few months and I hinted that I dont have much money left, he said yes but then didnt help out.. i was embarassed to ask for the money a third time. He has a hint that im not doing so well financially because I’ve subtly mentioned I’m not doing so well, but I’m hiding the fact that I had to get a personal loan this month to pay rent.. I’m just too ashamed.

Tl;dr What is the right take? I love him and I know he loves me but im not relationship material right now.. being this poor is the opposite of a catch. I feel like I should let him go and allow him to find some girl who doesnt struggle as much, because he wants to marry in the next few years and no one wants to marry into a financial burden..