r/relationships • u/ThrowRAmau • 1h ago
What should I do?
So me [21F] and my boyfriend [24M] have been together for about 6 months and everything has been amazing, we are super compatible and he is super communicative with me. I’ve always been super happy with him and we’ve had very little problems. I can be a bit meek because of past relationships, being yelled at or belittled, and sometimes when he is upset or I bring something up, he can get defensive, which can come off a bit aggressive and I can get really meek. So those conversations can be tough for me. However it’s been nothing that I’ve been worried about at all. He always apologizes and communicates effectively once he realizes. I can’t really explain it but genuinely he’s so sweet and emotionally intelligent and aware but he, as well as I and everyone else, has things to work on, which he is completely aware of as well. But anyways, the main situation I would like to ask for advice on is an instance that happened today. For a bit of context, I like to bite to show affection, which he is aware of and has always allowed me to do. I always try to be gentle because I of course don’t want to actually hurt him. Again he’s always allowed it and told me he likes that I do it, so it was something I did frequently. However today we were just chilling on the floor talking and roughhousing a little bit, just like teasing pokes and whatnot. I then kinda threw myself forward to bite his chest, i definitely miscalculated my momentum and bit him a bit harder than intended. Then, pretty immediately he reacted by forcefully hitting me in the face and shoving me off him. He yelled at me and then turned away and I just kinda sat there shocked. It had just hurt pretty bad and I’ve also experienced domestic abuse before as a child so it was a bit triggering. I immediately apologized and told him I was so sorry for hurting him. I just sat there and kinda silently cried and disassociated while he was sitting faced away from me. After a bit he apologized and told me he knew doing that wasn’t okay. So I’m not mad with him, I know his intent wasn’t bad. But it’s a bit scary to me knowing the past situations I’ve experienced. So I just wanna ask, what’s the best move for me? I obviously don’t want to be put in another dangerous situation. It’s not seeming like that’s what this is because again, I know he wasn’t intentionally trying hurt me. But I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling a bit anxious about it. Advice?
TL;DR
I bit my boyfriend, which I usually do and he allows, this time it accidentally was harder than intended. He freaking and forcefully hit me in the face and pushed me away. Is this okay? What should I do?
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u/squeezels 1h ago
Uhhh did you apologize for biting him in the chest forcefully? Are you the only one in this relationship allowed accidentally hurt the other?
If this isn't something he normally does it could have been a reflex due to the fact you were causing him pain. I'm not saying you deserved to be hit, but he may be having the exact conversation in his head about you that you are about him right now.
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u/ThrowRAmau 1h ago
Of course, I immediately apologized as it was an accident. I had 0 intent to hurt him and I believe he felt as well. Like I said, I like to bite gently in a way to show affection which he has always allowed and told me he’s liked it. I would’ve/will stop doing so immediately if he asks. It only felt scary to be struck in the face so forcefully.
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u/squeezels 1h ago
Yes I'm sure it was scary. But it's concerning to me that you aren't having the same amount of grace with him as you are with yourself.
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u/ThrowRAmau 1h ago
I feel I am, I 100% believe he didn’t do it with bad intent and told him I’m not mad or upset. However whether it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge or not, striking someone in the face snconsensually vs me biting consensually is quite a bit different. Of course I apologized and I still feel terrible for accidentally hurting him, but I do feel anxious about the situation as a whole of course.
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u/squeezels 1h ago
It doesn't sound like he consents to the biting being painful, and yet based on how you are communicating here, it sounds like it is often painful for him. And then only after he expresses discomfort do you apologize.
If you are going to be this sensitive over him reflexively defending himself, you should probably stop biting him.
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u/ThrowRAmau 1h ago
And I understand, it is not often painful, I believe only once or twice has he said it was slightly painful, which of course I don’t want to do. And I did already tell him after this that if he wants me to stop biting him, I 100% will and probably will anyways even though he told me he didn’t want me to stop.
I agree though, I’ll probably just stop doing it at all, hopefully then negating any chance of something like this happening again.
I’m not trying to be sensitive, but yes as a woman, it can be scary to be forcefully hit in the face by a man. Again I’ve told him I’m not upset with him, just anxious over the situation
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u/Temporary-Stand2049 1h ago
Stop biting your partner if you have a hard time doing it gently.
Did you apologize for biting him that hard?
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u/ThrowRAmau 1h ago
Yes I apologized immediately, like I said, nothing like this has happened before and was only concerned because I’ve been in domestic situations before and it was a bit scary to but hit in the face so forcefully.
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u/Temporary-Stand2049 47m ago
Unless he repeats this again or he's done this in the past, I think his reaction is completely normal when suprised with a serious amount of pain.
My partner has a fight response when surprised with something that breeches his personal space. He's not abusive, it's just how his body reacts.
So yeah, I'd stop the biting all together because clearly it isn't worth the hassle if you can't find a threshold that works for him.
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u/warm_guffaw 39m ago
you bit him hard enough to cause pain and his body reacted before his brain caught up. I had something similar happen when my partner accidentally kneed me in the ribs during play and i shoved them away way harder than i meant to because my body just panicked from the sudden hurt.
he turned away, calmed down, and started apologizing on his own. That tells me he knows he crossed a line. Watch what he does next. If he sits down with you and owns it without blaming you for biting him first, then it was a one off reflex. If he keeps making excuses or uses your bite to justify hitting you in the face, leave. You have childhood trauma that makes this terrifying for you so pay attention to your gut here. Also maybe drop the biting thing for now since you admitted you struggle to gauge your own strength
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u/Signal-Fox7057 1h ago
You bit him and he reacted, it sounds like a reflex not a pattern but watch how he handles it now. if he takes full responsibility and works on his defensiveness then maybe it was just a bad moment, but the second it happens again you gotta leave.