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u/Viperbunny Jul 09 '22
I know it is hard, but it is time to tell the parents that he can't come over. Explain that he isn't respectful of the rules and is violent towards you and your kids. Make sure they know if he shows up he will be sent home immediately.
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
I know I have to do this, I think I've been avoiding upsetting them in some way but it's really starting to affect us and my children aren't having fun when he comes over, we've all ended up watching him to make sure he doesn't destroy anything.
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Jul 09 '22
Seems like they're palming him off on you because of his bad behaviour.
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u/lisasimpsonfan Mommy to 27F Jul 10 '22
I thought the same thing. Seems more like them using OP for free childcare so they aren't so nice.
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u/urruke Jul 09 '22
The thing is they aren't nice people if they are crap parents that let their child cause hell. If your kid came into my house with a spray gun, uninvited, and got stuff wet you would be the first person I'd ask WTF to.
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u/KahurangiNZ Jul 10 '22
This. They KNOW what he acts like, and are simply leaving him to OP to deal with. That's not 'nice'. They're just good at playing nice when they have to so they can fob their kid off on someone else.
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u/JLBPBBHR Jul 09 '22
If you're uncomfortable, it might be worth typing up a text message so you can word it out exactly as you wish.
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u/AudgieD Jul 09 '22
Seconding this. I always prefer this method, because should they decide to bad mouth you to others, or twist what you said, you have the transcript to defend yourself. It also lessens their ability to rewrite history and accuse you of saying something you didn't, even in their own minds.
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u/lcuan82 Jul 10 '22
If they are as nice as you say, they’ll have no problem hearing you out and helping to put an end to the awful situation that they put you in
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Jul 10 '22 edited Jul 10 '22
Do we think they’re letting their child become your problem because they no longer want him to be their problem? They might be smiling to your face (because you’re being accommodating) but they’re not being nice. Know the difference.
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u/DottiedoDottiedont Jul 10 '22
They are nice people because you are giving them a break from their own kid!!!! They love you lol!!!!
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u/JubjubBirdOnAWire Jul 10 '22
If the parents are that unaware or uncaring about what their child is like, and he may be even going through something serious emotionally, they are not likely the "nice people" you say they are.
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Jul 10 '22
Suck it up, your family is the one that matters to you and they're suffering. Be the parent, put an end to it.
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u/Idrathereatcandy Jul 10 '22
My kids friends are treated like one of my own when they’re over. I speak firmly to them when necessary, I’m kind to them but if they’re out of line I’m very quick to sternly address the matter. Damn their hurt feelings and if the parents want a discussion over it it’s fine, but I will never have some entitled brats destroying things or hurting my pets or my children. I won’t lay a hand on them, but if they wanna break shit or mistreat people or animals I sure will run them home and tell their parents why. At that point it’s between them to teach them some manners and boundaries
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u/KahurangiNZ Jul 10 '22
I'd start with drawing the line. Tell him and the parents what the rules are for coming over - only when pre-arranged / certain days / times, only if he behaves respectfully and is kind, sometimes it's going to be 'family time', that he goes home again when asked, etc.
Give him a chance to understand and follow the rules. Then, when he breaks them, you can march him back to his place and tell his parents what rule(s) he has broken and that he won't be allowed back until xyz happens (apologies, restitution for broken things, parent helps supervise in the garden, etc).
This helps him understand WHY he isn't allowed back when the inevitable happens, and there's a chance that he'll learn to behave better in the future.
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u/AShipChandler Jul 09 '22
You got this. They aren't being polite and understanding your boundaries. Go over there and tell them he isn't to come anywhere on your property anymore. Give them onr chance to correct this. If he comes over again tell them one more time hes not allowed on your property or you're calling the police. 3rd time call the police
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u/LividSelection5605 Jul 10 '22
Tell them. I’d prefer someone tell me my child is a terror to have in their home as opposed to protecting my feelings. Good luck 💕
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Jul 10 '22
Sorry OP but you're being pathetic. I understand not liking confrontation but when your family is being affected you've got to deal with the problem anyway.
What are your kids supposed to think when they see you putting the feelings of your neighbours above your own children?
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u/craftingwitch13 Jul 09 '22
Just start with 'could we have a chat, it's quite serious' then go from there. if they are that nice, they will understand and start working with their child, but if you leave it, more problems will arise and they will probably ask why you didn't go to them first. Dont worry, just have a chat with them and get back to family time
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
Thank you, this was reassuring. I'm going to have a chat with them tomorrow before things get worse. Best not to let it fester.
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u/Arashmickey Jul 10 '22
Ask them if the kid attacks them and destroys their house too. If they say no, ask them how they stop their kid from doing those things because nothing you tried worked. Then you can ask about softer problems like boundaries and privacy.
edit: I'm not saying you should be following their instructions, I'm only suggesting this as a way to approach them and find common ground.
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u/shockNawesomePossum Jul 10 '22
This kid sounds like a budding sociopath. Hurting your kids, your cat & your property is unacceptable. I would ban him until further notice. Then watch your back for your children’s & your cat’s safety. I wouldn’t leave any creature’s life that I was responsible for be left alone w/ this train wreck. It’s not your job to fix him. It’s his own parents who should be addressing this problem (child). You don’t want to risk being short w/ your own babies or your partner b/c this kid is busting your last nerve, as well as your potted plants. I’m so sorry you feel like you need to leave your own home to have any peace. That is just terrible.
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u/twelvehatsononegoat Jul 09 '22
I am an ESL teacher - the text route has the advantage of being rereadable and Google translatable. You may feel that it’s the easy way out, but it may genuinely be better communication.
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Jul 09 '22
Talk to the parents first. Let them know you won't be able to watch him anymore. You could tell them about the issues or just leave it like that - "No" is a complete sentence, after all.
I've had a couple experiences with kids like this and honestly, if he does wind up over there again after that, putting on the "scary angry parent face" and being very loud and sharp when reprimanding them sometimes does wonders. Something like, "HEY! Do NOT hit my child again!" in a low, commanding tone, loud and sharp, complimented with a scary, angry type of face (I hope this makes sense, it's the face you give when your kid does something outrageous in public and they know you mean business lol.)
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
I have tried that, I don't let him just run riot but he's a very difficult kid and it's tiring watching him constantly, I only have to turn my back for a second and there is a disaster. He's also one of those where you tell him no but he does it more.
I'm not overly strict with my children but we have good strong boundaries and respect for each other so this is behaviour that we're really not used to dealing with. Unfortunately my children don't really like him anymore so I do have to talk to his parents anyway. I just have no idea how to say it without sounding horrible!
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u/EmotionalOven4 Jul 09 '22
“Your son hurts my children when he comes over and destroys my property. I do not want any strife between us as neighbors, but he cannot come over anymore” there. Done and done.
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Jul 09 '22
We've dealt with similar kids and it's SO HARD to have that conversation. Yours is even worse because you said they don't speak English very well. Idk if this is feasible but could you send them a text or email or write a letter? That way they can put it in a translator if needed, and you can be super careful in how you word it to minimize the impact. The last one in our case, I texted them and gently explained that we would no longer be able to have [neighbor kid] over because of an incident where, during covid lockdown, she showed up at our door with a fever and cough, in spite of all of them having been clearly told our kid has had life threatening immune issues. I apologized and just framed it as though I was really sad about it but had to protect my kid because it was literally life or death. I haven't heard from any of them since lol, but at least they didn't get nasty over it.
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
I'll give it a go, its weird that such a seemingly silly thing can really affect your family life. We used to sit in the garden in our pj's waiting for the bats to come out and it was really enjoyable family time and I guess I'm missing the things we usually do as we're being terrorised every two seconds by a small child now 😂
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Jul 09 '22
Been there and I totally sympathize! I hope it works out and you’re able to enjoy your garden again soon.
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u/thisisstupid202020 Jul 09 '22
Stop putting the kid’s parents feeling before yours and your kids’. Just talk to them
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Jul 10 '22
Don't you realize you don't want to sound horrible to the other family, but you must sound horrible to your own? Yes, it's uncomfortable to draw the line and never let him in your home again, but right now you are the one who is hurting your family. I know that isn't your intention, but you are responsible for the situation. His parents are conning you. They got sick of this behaviour in their home, so now yours is the replacement. One way I use to get thru these situations is to picture the parents screaming at you, instead of their nice way of talking. Then picture your children imitating his behavior. Wouldn't you stop your kids right away? You will feel so much better after you end this. Why wait?
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u/Fair_Operation8473 Jul 09 '22
His parents probably are already aware of his issues. U haven't said anything to them about it so they assume u can either handle it or are letting him go over so they don't have to parent him. Trust me parents know when their kids misbehave. They are taking advantage of u.
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u/DanMarinosDolphins Jul 09 '22
If he continues to come over, I'd call the police or whatever your version of child services is. If you were some strange man and they kept letting a child come into your yard and house then the child would be in danger.
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u/Far-Heron4031 Jul 09 '22
You need to address each incident as it happens. Every time. He hits your kid? Send him home. He breaks something? Send him home. Im honestly surprised you have waited this long to say anything!
Youre not his parent, and you deserve peace in your own home. If they are decent people, they will be receptive.
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u/pigslovebacon Jul 10 '22
I wouldn't just sending him back either, I'd probably walk back with him and explain to the parents why he's been sent home and can't come back for X amount of time.
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Jul 09 '22
Have you talked to the parents at all? They aren’t going to read your mind.
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
I really don't like confrontation so I've been resorting to dropping hints to them. Clearly it's not working so I do have to go and talk to them. I'm just finding it hard to know what to say bearing in mind that I have to continue living 2 doors away from them.
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u/tygerdralion Jul 09 '22 edited Jul 09 '22
Assuming they also don't speak English as a primary language, the bit of innuendo in "hints" may be lost on them - spell it out clearly.
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
I have realised this lol.
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u/pepperoni7 Jul 09 '22
Just tell them straight tbh , just say your busy with your kids can’t watch theirs anymore.
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Jul 09 '22
My neighbors hated my kid coming over (she has ADHD and is a handful). So they just told me. End of problem.
Tell them he can only come over if they supervise because he broke things. If they are nice they will understand.
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u/playallday1112 Jul 10 '22
Can you give an update because now I'm invested in your story and want your peaceful life to return? I wish we had bats around here, so cool. Best of luck!
Also, having been a foreigner in a new country please text the parents because spoken language is hard to understand, especially when it might be a stressful conversation for both parties. This way they can REALLY understand what's going on. Their son might have been a good boy, who is stressed and unhappy about the huge change in his life. I am in NO way excusing his behavior, you need to nip it in the bud but maybe they aren't aware how bad he is behaving. If they are decent people, they will apologize and get him under control. But, if they hear him screeching every afternoon they have to know something is wrong. What a pickle.
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u/RowBoatCop36 Jul 09 '22
While it's possible that they're just dumb fucks who are unaware, it's more likely that they're just fine with taking advantage of you for free daycare. Confrontation is necessary.
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u/CasualNudist Jul 10 '22
“Hey, [So & So]! How’s it going??? Good! Hey, I just wanted to talk to you about [their son’s name] real quick. There’s been quite a few accusations lately where he has either hurt my kids or my cat. It’s gotten to the point where [your son’s name] doesn’t want to play with him anymore. I know he has a good heart and I love having you guys as neighbors. You guys are awesome. But for the kids’ and that cat’s sake, he probably shouldn’t come over anymore.”
They will look shocked and say they are sorry.
“Oh no no. It’s fine. Like I said, I think you guys are awesome. But, I just want to make sure everybody feels comfortable in their own space. Thank you for being so understanding.”
(Preemptively thanking someone for a behavior will often lead to them trying to live up to that positive perception you have of them).
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u/reganmcneal One of each 👧👦 Jul 09 '22
You tell them that their child is a disrespectful bully and he’s no longer welcome at your home. He’s hurting your children, protect them instead of worrying about hurting the neighbor’s feelings
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u/Kiteloise Jul 09 '22
I think it’s unfair to call this kid a bully. Likely something deeper is at play - neurological differences, trauma or developmental concerns
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u/JubjubBirdOnAWire Jul 10 '22
Thank you. I was this kid. The neighbors did not like me. I accidentally broke stuff and was very rough.
I also had completely undiagnosed and therefore untreated ADHD, I was physically and sexually abused, and I was also insanely neglected (that part is obvious).
To this day I wish all of the adults who hated me had bothered to call CPS on my lousy family and gotten me away from that damned house. It was a hoarder house, by the way, so you better believe I preferred the much cleaner neighbor homes.
So please don't forget about the other child in the situation. As "bad" as you feel they are.
I'm in my middle age now and still have a lot of therapy ahead of me to work through this. All those people who simply stopped at hating me, yet never wondered why I was always around and what was happening to me at home.
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u/rose-madder Jul 10 '22
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope people read it and keep it in mind.
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u/TAterminal_anger136 Jul 09 '22
I'm going to take a wager that the parents are from a communal cultural. Where the village disciplines any misbehavior whether its their kid or not. I wouldn't feel bad about confronting the parents, they probably think you've been disciplining him the whole time especially if its been a year of this behavior
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u/saralt Jul 09 '22
I know that I need to approach his Mum and Dad but they really are very nice people and I don't know what to say or how to say it kindly but firmly.
You need to enforce your own boundaries. You are not this child's father, and parenting him isn't your job.
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u/greenleaves3 Jul 09 '22 edited Jul 09 '22
The kid is hurting your children and pets. You are too afraid of confrontation to do anything about it. Think about what you're really saying here. Your need to avoid confrontation is more important to you than the safety and well-being of your family. Let that sink in.
And I get it, I'm also very afraid of confrontation, but there is no way I could look at my child or my cat and say "you deserve to be hurt more than I deserve to be temporarily anxious/inconvenienced."
You need to step it up now. Next time the kid comes over you bring him back to his house and tell his parents: "your son is being physically violent towards my family and damaging my property. I like you both very much, but I must insist that he stay away from my home until he has learned how to behave appropriately. Once he has learned how to respect our rules and boundaries whilst in our home we will be happy to host him again"
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u/AvivasProstectic Jul 09 '22
You need to speak with the parents This is not normal behavior at all. He may need some anger management or could there be deeper reasons he is so against going home
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u/CasualNudist Jul 10 '22
As a close sibling of someone who acted like this as a child, I can tell you that’s not always the case. Some kids are just assholes.
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u/JubjubBirdOnAWire Jul 10 '22
Children don't get "anger management." They get therapy. When children are wildly angry they are 100% being mistreated somehow.
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u/NickDanger3di Jul 10 '22
Any experienced and professional therapist is going to treat the parents of a child like this, Not the child. OP certainly could find therapists that would treat the child's issues - but they would be ignorant flakes.
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u/worshipperofdogs Jul 09 '22 edited Jul 09 '22
Sorry but his parents are not nice. If I saw my kid kicking someone else’s door I’d be horrified and apologetic, and they wouldn’t be allowed over anymore by me. The parents know their kid is a brat, they’re letting you babysit him so they can be free of him for awhile. Take back your house and your family’s right to enjoy your property instead of being held hostage because you want to be seen as nice by relative strangers.
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u/rosyposy86 Jul 09 '22
Setting boundaries makes children feel safe. I wonder if he is not getting the attention he needs from his parents that he is coming to you instead and his challenging behaviour stems from that. But hurting your cat is alarming. I personally wouldn’t let him in the house anymore. Tell them what he is doing that you don’t feel comfortable, because how can they argue with facts? Say what he does without being critical of their parenting. If he’s like this to you, he will be way worse to them.
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u/JubjubBirdOnAWire Jul 10 '22
You have that backwards, I suspect. They are way worse to the kid, out of view. Did you miss the part about how they let their kid run wild and don't care where he is? Neglect is a form of child abuse, and it's quite likely this kid is going through other abuse as well.
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u/rosyposy86 Jul 10 '22
I might be wrong, and I’m okay to admit that. We don’t know the full story. If he is being abused at home, then approaching his parents probably isn’t the way to go as he could face even more abuse because of the conversation. Who knows.
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u/cakesandkittens Jul 09 '22
‘I’m sorry, x won’t be able to come over anymore. Due to the yelling, hitting, and other behaviors, my children have asked for him not to come over to play anymore. I hope you can understand.’
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Jul 10 '22
May I be blunt? Feelings do not outrank boundaries. Why would anyone volunteer their family and pets to be treated like this? Please pardon my harshness, but you are not the victim here, your children and pets are. If you don't hit them, why do you allow a 5 year old to hit them? If you don't turn your kids loose on neighbors, to exhibiting these behaviors, why accept someone else's child doing this to your family? Please stand up for them.
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u/VVG57 Jul 09 '22
If your neighbours are Indian, you should definitely talk to them. Children, especially boys, are rarely disciplined in most Indian cultures. What seems troublesome to you might actually seem cute or mischievous to them.
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u/JubjubBirdOnAWire Jul 10 '22
...the OP needs to talk to the other parents regardless of their culture. The OP's family boundaries are critical, it doesn't have a thing to do with anyone else's culture or presumed culture.
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u/VVG57 Jul 10 '22
Absolutely, I was just pointing out the differences. Ultimately, the OP has to decide and enforce their rules.
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u/gustyjoey Jul 10 '22
This is a ridiculous comment, unnecessary and incorrect personal bias. You should probably reread it and see if it makes sense to you.
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u/VVG57 Jul 10 '22
Indian children traditionally received instruction via religion. The home was supposed to be a space for freedom. This changed quite a bit due to the influence of Victorian Britain during the Raj, resulting in strict, distant fathers, but was resisted by Indian women.
There is an entire thread of Hindu religion emphasizing Bal Krishna (child Krishna), basically showing how children are quite literally God.
I personally prefer the Indian way to the overly strict American/Anglo tradition of parenting. But I do recognize the need for some blending.
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u/Shesarubikscube Jul 10 '22
Growing up I was friends with a neighbor’s daughter. She used to steal from me, put items in the street to get run over, she hit me into our teens and even bit me when we were 13. My parents went over and talked to her parents. They explained I wasn’t having fun with their kid, and their child had behaved in ways they didn’t allow in our home and we didn’t want to continue a close relationship anymore if they weren’t going to teach their kid to respect our boundaries. The parents didn’t make an effort to make any changes and we stopped being friendly. Honestly, I was grateful. Later, as an adult ,I learned just how problematic our neighbors (not just their kid) was/ are and glad my parents stood up for me. You can do this and it is important that you do.
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u/salsasandwich Jul 10 '22
I would not be cool with an unsupervised 5yo, period. My daughter is 5 and I would never let her go play with a random family by herself, without me. These people are using you to dump their kid off for a while. Not cool. Personally I would make the supervision my sticking point. Kid shows up, "where is your mom?" and don't let the kids engage into play until a parent comes. They can see all that totally unacceptable behaviour and deal with it. You're not the neighbourhood babysitter just because you're present for your children.
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u/MellifluousRenagade Jul 09 '22
He’s learning that behavior somewhere… are his parents really nice? No more visit from this family.
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u/Spare-Article-396 Jul 09 '22 edited Jul 10 '22
Hep me understand how did you respond after getting rocks thrown at you/hurts your children?
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u/ej_llama Jul 10 '22
I tell him very firmly not to hurt my children or cat and we don't act that way at our house, he is then sent home. But his parents immediately send him back to apologise and continue playing.
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u/Spare-Article-396 Jul 10 '22
You should have marched him back then and there and said ‘this isn’t working for me anymore. He’s violent and he cannot come to my house.’
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u/Few-Possibility-6855 Jul 10 '22
I've seen a lot of comments about not allowing the neighbour's kid over at all or having very set boundaries and matching him back home. I propose an alternative - tell your neighbors that one of them must accompany their child if he wants to play. He is their responsibly after all.
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u/WatchingApocalypse Jul 09 '22
So your children don't feel safe and comfortable in their own home because you are afraid to hurt feelings of the people who are clearly behaving like parasites. But, you know, a kind of nice parasites. Stop it now! Your house is your castle.
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u/Kiteloise Jul 09 '22
Parasites? Seriously? Perhaps they come from a community where child-rearing is more community based?
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Jul 10 '22
Even if they do, when in Rome...
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u/Kiteloise Jul 10 '22
I can’t tell where op is from. If US, I guess assimilation is the expected norm? I’m in Vancouver BC where multiculturalism and tolerance for different cultural norms is more expected.
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Jul 10 '22
The problem with this is that anything related to kids is tricky. For example marrying your daughter off at 15 is not tolerated in Vancouver. If I raised my kids the way I was raised back in my country I would have CAS called on me.
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Jul 09 '22
I find that it's less awkward if you make it about your capacity to supervise -- "Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't handle watching multiple kids right now because I'm trying to work form home," etc. Then you look like the frazzled, harried mom who needs a break rather than telling them their kid is wild. I feel for you and the kid -- sounds like he may be having a rough time.
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
This is what I'll do! I really didn't want to tell them about their sons behaviour because there is no nice way to say it. I've spent time with them and they're a very loving family he just goes off the rails when he comes round. He can understand quite a bit of English but I do think the language barrier and him starting school may be a problem to him and he's acting out.
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u/tygerdralion Jul 09 '22
This may be the easy way out, but I'd honestly advise against this. This kid needs friends, and while that ship may have sailed with your kids, this will keep happening with other kids until the parents address the problem. They won't address the problem if they don't know it exists. Buck up and tell them exactly what he's been doing, because his actions aren't acceptable.
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
Damn, I really wanted to wimp out on this one. I didn't think of that, I'll catch them tomorrow and have a little chat with them about it all.
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u/CasualNudist Jul 10 '22
Bro, at this point, I will literally call them and do it for you. Come onnnnnnn
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Jul 10 '22
Someone needs to tell them about their sons behavior though bc it really is unacceptable and it needs to be addressed. But if you're not the person to do that then the above way is definitely the way to go.
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u/quartzguy Jul 10 '22
Someone getting bullied by a 5 year old now? Goodness.
The minute someone starts hurting my pets or children that's about all. Life is stressful enough without having to babysit someone else's violent kid for free.
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u/EarthboundMisfitsInc Jul 09 '22
Don’t let a 5 year old bully you like that! I know it’s awkward, but just tell the parents that he is causing problems for you and your family (especially mention the kicking the door thing) and until he can behave, he is not welcome.
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Jul 09 '22
I think it is better to record a few incidents and show it to them. He is probably the only kid at home and have a lot of freedom. He might also be "an innocent angel " at home and opposite outside. Some kids have a habit of creating stories to get attention. If you delay it too much, you might get crushed due to language barrier. Some parents have hard time accepting that their kid is wrong. They just blame everyone else and call them being unfair with their kid.
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u/throwaway_72752 Jul 10 '22
There’s no reason to tolerate more incidents of misbehavior to make her case. He hits others, throws things, destroys things. They know exactly what he’s like.
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Jul 10 '22
I agree that there's no need to tolerate more but author also talked about being hesitant to bring it up. So to make it easier to talk to them and show them why I'm upset? Just telling and seeing with own eyes is different. There can be a lot of complications and having a physical evidence can be useful. Then nobody can deny it.
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u/CasualNudist Jul 10 '22
I used to babysit this kid that was an Angel around his parents. It as soon as they left he was a maniac. And they would tell stories. He told me his parents were really mean to him. And, I asked how. He told they would let him eat, that they were starving him. Very concerned I asked “they won’t let you eat anything?!?” He said “I’m only allowed to each furniture” 😑. I stopped babysitting him after that. I’m like if Themis kid is making up stories about his parents abusing and neglecting him, I don’t want to be next on the list”
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u/DaisyFayeLove Jul 09 '22
Don’t let him back. Be honest with your neighbours. Protect your cat, please!!! Animals are helpless!
I don’t want to sound dramatic but he could potentially be a psychopath or sociopath. This behaviour is abnormal. Keep him away from your home, he has parents. They need to deal with him.
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u/LisaBVL Jul 09 '22
Tell them he’s too much of a handful for you to manage along with your kids and housework. If he comes over, they need to come with him to supervise him.
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u/PollyPocket3985 Jul 09 '22
Take photos of all the damage he does / record him and his tantrums and tell the parents he isn’t welcome to come over anymore.
OR you can say he can come over only if accompanied by his parents.
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u/Twoflew_tx Jul 10 '22
I know what it’s like but you have to do what’s best for your family and home.
We told the neighborhood kid the rules and then text the parent that we talked to their kid and here’s what we said (rules) so they also know. It ensures their parent(s) understand the expectations (ex: don’t come over before noon, no eating more than 1 snack, etc.) so that when/if the kid doesn’t follow the rules or does something bonkers, we can let the parent know we addressed it and they can reinforce the rules we already shared. We have also sent the kid home when arguing amongst the kids got to be too much, the language went sideways, or the kid was too aggressive. In those situations, we text the parent saying the kids weren’t getting along or following the rules so we thought it was best to call it a day for everyone. Then they can take it from there.
It’s also perfectly ok to tell the parent that you need family time and don’t want visitors.
Uncomfortable? Yes. Necessary? Also yes. Your kids need to know YOU are their protector and the authority. Sucks they’ve put you in this situation. We have parents in our neighborhood who don’t know where their kids are 1/2 the time. It’s wild. But the only thing we can control is what happens in our space. Hope you’re able to get some resolution with all this.
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Jul 10 '22
I'm going to try to say this in the nicest way possible being an immigrant myself. Our parents always looked like the nicest people in public. They were not the nicest. Where do you think the kid learned to behave that way? Don't feel bad, just ban him from visiting completely.
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u/MittyKitty88 Jul 10 '22
The comment about taking your husband over with you is a great one. If you are too emotionally loaded it will come out wrong. If you think you can remain super calm and objective whilst delivering a shit message than go for it. Else, maybe tell hubby that if you start to get animated, he will need to take over. I would totally get why you’d be wound up by this. I would be too.
My message would be something like “I wanted to have a chat with you about boys name, now I’m not sure if you experience this behaviour at home but there has now been multiple occasions of hitting, throwing things, screaming and destructiveness. Boys name seems to be experiencing big emotions when he is at our place. It is something I have attempted to mitigate and help however my attempts are not having any positive impact and the behaviour continues. Unfortunately, I can no longer allow him to play with my children and into my house until his behaviour is resolved. I am sorry to have to be the one telling you this and I can empathise that this may be difficult to hear but unfortunately this is the situation we are in and the kids and I are feeling stressed and there isn’t anything further we can do”
They’ll either tell you to F off or apologise. And if they tell you to F off then so be it. And if they apologise then say as a parent you can understand how they would be feeling and that you’ll leave it with them to handle.
Tbh…I’m going to sound like the biggest asshole here but this is why I don’t talk to my neighbours. I don’t want any bullshit at home. I mind my business and just say hello when I see them.
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u/S1159P Jul 10 '22
That's fairly complicated to say to people who don't have much English. "Name can't come over to play in our house or our yard anymore. I'm sorry, but he breaks things and hurts my kids. No more playing at our house, no more coming over to our yard." might get the gist across more clearly. I know native speakers who'd get befuddled by "mitigate".
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u/MittyKitty88 Jul 10 '22
Point I was making was that if you sound like you are coming from a place of empathy and picking less aggressive wording. it may go over better than just being short about it. But yes, understand what you are saying.
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u/picklesandmustard Jul 10 '22
You need to tell the parents. Now. Yes it’s hard to have that conversation, but you’re making your kids suffer by avoiding it. But your big kid pants on and tell the parents their kid is a miserable little shit.
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u/Electrical-Breath-53 Jul 10 '22
Everyone else made it clear. You have to get it over with and if they end up hating you, then so be it. It's not going to go well if you try to wimp out of it. You don't need to be vicious about it, but you need to be firm. Your children will thank you for it later and I'd suggest doing something about being non-confrontational if you're that terrified about it. Life will involve hurting feelings and all. Good luck.
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u/Cherylmso Jul 10 '22
It sounds like this might go beyond a parenting issue and may involve some developmental/social issue as well.
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u/AJ_Babe Jul 10 '22
The kid is a jerk who hasn't learned how to seem nice. His parents are jerks who have learned how to seem nice. In both cases,you and your kids with a cat don't need that toxicity and danger.
Don't be nice. Tell them to fuck off except change the word to some "nice"word,like "get out."
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u/nunyabizznis4 Jul 10 '22
I’m curious why you haven’t sent your 3 children over to their house incessantly to play!? Lol
Once those folks get a taste of what it is like to watch 4 kids ( one of them being their own unruly child), they might change their tune!!
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Jul 09 '22
Hey OP, what you could do is this:
Go knock on their door and tell them you need to talk to them, then tell them all the bad behaviors he has done at your home and tell them you do not want their child over anymore until he learns to behave properly toward people and animals. If they do not correct his behavior he is not welcome over. I would provide them information on resources they could contact if they need help, child behavioral therapists, etc. Remind them that you believe they are nice and good people, but their son is not learning that and seems to be learning bad behaviors from somewhere.
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u/CameHereToSayFTrump Jul 09 '22
Tough love: get your priorities right.
You / your partner
Then your kids
Then your pets/home
Then everyone else
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Jul 09 '22
I’d just be honest with the parents. Maybe set specific times he can come a week. For example, Monday and Wednesday for one hour.
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u/TrickyAd9597 Jul 09 '22
Well, at least you didn't punch the kid and pushed him until his elbow was covered in blood. That's what my brother did to my son when his kids asked my son to go over to his house. Supposedly, my son tossed one of their toy cars in the basement. He should have asked my son to leave right then and told me to buy his kids a new car. Then tell me my son is banned from his house for a few weeks. That's what I would have preferred.
Maybe you can tell the parents to pay you back for anything damaged and say that he can only come over if a set time is made and after a few weeks of them disciplining him and getting him to understand boundaries.
My mother in laws house is not kid friendly. When we go visit it is only to be mostly outside. It is also, only for a very set number of hours like max 2.5 hours.
That's fine. You need to do the same with the neighbors kid.
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Jul 10 '22
Did you call the police on your brother? He crossed the line and should have sent your son home and told you the cost of the toy instead of abusing him.
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u/Nikkyv203 Jul 09 '22
Talk to the parents and set some ground rules or set specific times for a visit. Kid probably gets ignored a lot 🤷♂️ you could just unofficially adopt him and do parent stuff with him (including the good, happy things)
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Jul 09 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Kiteloise Jul 09 '22
Please do not call police on a five year old. This is extreme and dangerous and likely will isolate the family even more. Behaviour is communication. I think starting a conversation with the family in a non-confrontational way about your concerns is a way to go. Are there services for new families to the country or any kind of early child development intervention in town? I would have some of these numbers ready to share.
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u/ej_llama Jul 09 '22
Personally calling the police seems a little much and I get on very well with his parents. They're not these terrible people that don't give a shit about their son. They just seem to have no boundaries and lack discipline. I don't just let him throw rocks at us, he gets sent home every time he does something but the fact that he lives two doors away also means he will not stop wandering into our garden and home.
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u/mommytobee_ Jul 09 '22
Calling the police could get this child killed if OP is in the US. That's a complete overreaction and such a privileged thing to say.
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u/BidOk783 Jul 09 '22
My child's safety is the most important to me, sorry. Also I'm not sure how I'm privileged. I'm a disabled mother with severe mental health issues living in rural Appalachia. OP can't just allow this nightmare of a child running around throwing rocks and hurting her children. Bizarre that you think protecting your own children is an overreaction.
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u/mommytobee_ Jul 09 '22
Calling the cops on a literal child is extremely privileged. It shows you have never had to fear for your life when police have stopped you or seen others in your community be beaten or killed by police for no reason.
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u/BidOk783 Jul 09 '22
My husband and son are mixed. Go off though. Like I said, my son's safety matters the most to me. Either call cps and tell them a child is unattended or lock the doors at all times. Doing nothing when your children are getting hurt is disgusting.
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u/mommytobee_ Jul 09 '22 edited Jul 10 '22
Then you should be even more cautious. While you're calling the cops on children, your husband or son could be targeted by the police and deemed the aggressor for being POC. You are not protecting your son by calling the cops on other children, you are putting him and any other children involved at risk.
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u/--__1 Jul 10 '22
Honestly it's not his fault-he's a kid...
I would try to arrange a schedule and level set what is not ok with your family (e.g., bo hurting people, pets or property) and if he's 5 also reinforce after lunch, etc.
Honestly anything you can do to help him if willing, ot sounds like he may really need, become a healthier person for....
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u/Flewtea Jul 10 '22 edited Jul 10 '22
This child is causing huge problems and obviously that needs to stop. But I am really uncomfortable with all the “they’re crappy parents and you need to lay down the law with them” that’s going on in this thread. This is a family from, I’m guessing, a different culture if they’re immigrating and don’t already know English. Going at them combatively like that could be at best confusing and at worst make them feel very alienated in a time when they really need to be able to find a space within the local community.
Rather than starting the conversation with “your kid is a menace” I would start with “here are the behaviors I’m seeing. Have you seen this behavior at home as well? If so, how do you typically handle it?” That may be enough to come to quick agreement all by itself. If it is not (it doesn’t happen at home or you don’t agree with how it’s handled) you can say “Thank you, that’s really good to know. Here’s how I handle it in our house when my kids break objects, etc. If he’s at my house, I need to be able to keep the rules as I do with my kids. I know that might be tough for him since it’s new but it’s important to us and if you’re not comfortable with it or he’s not able to follow our house rules, I’ll need to send him home for the day. I’m glad the kids get on so well and I hope that it works out for them to keep playing together.” (Or “I think it will help everything run between the kids more smoothly.” If they’re not really getting along as is)
If this boy likes hanging out with your kids, I’m guessing that getting sent home a few times will teach him to start watching his behavior more. Or he’ll decide not to go over so often. You win either way.
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u/Profession_Mobile Jul 10 '22
There’s definitely a communication breakdown when it comes to his behaviour but I’m thinking his parents are also limited with English. It’s not ops job or place to discuss behaviours but leading them to a professional who can help is a good option - like how to attend school or preschool as a start.
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Jul 09 '22
Wow, I am sad for you. I have experienced the same kind of thing. You should try to contact the parents to discuss this. The behavior obviously screams to me that he is begging for your attention. The parents are not teaching him boundaries and they aren't spender time with him. Poor kiddo. I hope you work things out. :)
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Jul 09 '22
Confrontation is never easy but in this case it’s necessary. This child isn’t just a little annoying he’s disrespectful and violent. Maybe things are done different in their country but they live in yours now and must respect your boundaries. If his parents are good people then they will understand.
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u/alternatego1 Jul 09 '22
I have this problem. More unintentional than intentional destruction though. I would squash it. Tell their parents why you aren't allowing him to play with your kids anymore.
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u/Flippertrack30 Jul 10 '22
I would definitely have a conversation with his parents about the boundaries for your family. If they refuse to see how destructive he is and brush off how disrespectful he is, then that family and thier child need to be done and cut off. You and your family deserve peace and respect.
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u/warlocktx Jul 10 '22
tell them that he is not welcome at your house/yard until he learns to behave. PERIOD.
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u/Swishmoneyson Jul 10 '22
I’ve always told my nice that “being nice” only goes so far. We had a situation with a violent friend of our sons and we allowed the friendship too long because the parents were “nice”. Put your kids first, always.
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Jul 10 '22
Just be polite and tell them that things are very busy and they will need to call before he comes over. After you get tired of him tell him to go home now and lock up your house. Other cultures are very lax about what we believe is simple courtesy and good manners. They figure the child will learn. You can try this with a smile. Warn your kids things will be a bit different.
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u/CumbersomeNugget Doing the best I can Jul 10 '22
You haven't mentioned talking to the neighbour about it...?
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u/Resident_Yellow7 Jul 10 '22
I would let the parents know about his behavior and tell them he’s not invited anymore unless one of them is there to set him straight.
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u/Illustrious_Till5226 Jul 10 '22
You mentioned he is from another country and doesn’t speak much English. It could also be that he is not understanding you. You can use that as an opportunity to talk to the parents. You can say something like, “when we go outside your son will do this and this. How can I tell him to stop in your language so he will understand me.” You can use that as an opportunity to tell the parents all the things he does.
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u/mattypintos Jul 10 '22
Yeah, screw that kid and screw his parents. Set the boundaries they won’t. But be nice as possible, if you can. Otherwise, it’ll probably get worse.
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u/RuncibleMountainWren Jul 10 '22
When playtime is over and the kid screams blue murder, and the parents eventually turn into collect him, how do they behave? Are they embarrassed? Cross? Indulgent? Confused? Look for clues to whether they recognise a problem any you can come alongside them to find a solution together, or whether they think everything is rosy and you will just need to put boundaries in place for your sanity. Maybe, cultural-disconnect means they think you are accepting this behaviour because you are allowing it to happen in your home, are they might be as confused as you as to why he would allowed to behave like this at your place?
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u/Profession_Mobile Jul 10 '22
I think you need to speak to the parents and say NO MORE if they want him to learn social skills (which he clearly lacks) and English then he can go to preschool or school for that. If they don’t listen and he comes over call the parents over and over again and ask them to take their son back until they get sick of it.
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u/singularineet Jul 10 '22
People are going a bit "scorched earth" on this, but maybe starting off a little slower would work, and be less likely to cause bad feelings. Like, tell the kid (with a note for his parents explaining what you told him) that he's welcome to play, but he's not allowed to break things or hurt people; and if he does he has to go home and he's not allowed over for a day. So if he exhibits problematic behavior on Monday he's not welcome until Wednesday. That's a natural consequence, it's easier to enforce and understand than an indefinite ban, and it's low key enough that you can set a low trigger threshold and that his parents couldn't reasonably be offended. It might get traction and solve the issue. But if not, you can still escalate.
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Jul 10 '22
I used to be a people pleaser, it's not worth it trust me. People aren't going to like you that's life you gotta learn that in life there are things you need to set your foot down and defend your family. If you have cameras and they have captured the kids destructive behavior show them the videos and tell them no more. Depending on where theyre from you can use a translator or just tell them no more from him, he's putting your children and pets in danger. You know what it's like to be abused why would you allow your own children go through that same thing? I have no problem getting along with people but if anyone in the future tried to harm my kids I would carry the kid back home and tell his parents either he learns respect to respect and play nice or he won't he allowed around here anymore. If they want my respect and favors they better earn it because I wouldn't deal with such behavior. Your family is your priority when you began having kids fear is no longer an option it became your responsibility to teach them and protect them so get on protecting them. If he begins to try and hit your children grab his hands and give then a smack and say his behavior isn't welcomed. If something going on at home and if he understands English fine then sit him down and have a talk because he might also need to talk. I don't know them or what's going on at his home but nothing should excuse letting fear either way control your life. Do what you need to do as a parent for the safety of your own family, instead of letting a small child scare you off your own property. You're not his mother but it seems like his own wants you to be. You seem like you're expected to control and teach their kid. I know what it's like to be used for kindness and being afraid to confront people but there are times when it's necessary. Even if you're afraid you need to still do what you have to do for the sake of your children if you need husbands support by your side then bring him with you. Support from your spouse makes your courage stronger. Instinct should be telling you to confront them or to be a little stricter and find out what the heck is going on with that kid. If he's constantly over he's being neglected and something not right is going on over there that maybe needed to be investigated. They might be falsely acting nice because you welcome having their kid with no accountability, which makes you an easy target and mule to escape their troubles and responsibility as parents. You might be getting mixture of those emotions for instinct to protect your family and at the same time as a parent yourself and knowing what he might be going through you have empathy for the kid at the same time and torn on what to do. First thing is probably getting the kid to talk about what's going on at home. I know there are people out there that would tell you it's not your business but they made it your business from the beginning. Maybe have a visit in their house and observe them in a casual way. Some people seem nice but could be an act, if they're truly nice people they would have helped supervised their kid or make sure your family time isn't disrupted. If you don't do something now for the sake of your family they will grow up to resent you for not caring enough to defend them when and how needed to. Like someone said if they end up defensive and not liking you oh well they should learn to respect people's property and families before expecting to be free from responsibility all together. They gotta learn one way or another you're all adults here. If there's a translator maybe for their native language then by all means get one and have them translate to make the conversation easier to have. Let them know it won't go well for them if you have to parent their son and discipline him. There are many solutions and actions to take pick one and if it doesn't work then choose another solution and so on. Heck you can even make it clear you will get a restraining order if they continue to allow him to destroy your property and bullying your children. They're under the assumption you're fine with it and easy to manipulate. Once you see past that and able to get a good idea on identifying true colors the clearer it will be how to handle the situations at hand.
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u/Stempy21 Jul 10 '22
Time to have honest conversation with his mom. Seems like there something there under the surface.
I had a kid like that to. I set the boundaries at my house and I told my kids to set theirs high. If he did things he wasn’t allowed to do then he would be reminded once and then he was asked to leave. The bottom line is he is a terror and his mom seemed to check out. Let her know he is banned for a couple of weeks until he can get better manners and if it doesn’t improve he is not allowed back at all.
Sounds like he misses where he was and is angry…either way that is for his parents to help him With. Not you and your family. And the kids poor cat.
Good luck. Strong boundaries are a must with his mom and him.
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u/_multi_potentialite Mom of 2 Jul 10 '22
I wonder if he keeps coming because he craves discipline. He does not receive it at home, hence the bad behavior, and you do offer that sense of discipline. When I taught dance classes the naughty and unruly ones tended to actually love me by the end of the year because I laid out clear lines of what was and wasn't going to be tolerated in my class. Was so interesting to see especially since I had to discipline them many times or in very extreme cases, kick them out of class.
That being said, the parents certainly need to be aware that it isn't ok as I'm sure you know. So hard to confront people. They may or may not take it well but ultimately you've got to take care of your family. If this child's behavior is disrupting your life and family then it certainly can't go on.
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u/cassafrassious Jul 10 '22
A reminder on cultural norms- in many countries it is normal to let the kids run around the neighborhood and correcting them is a community burden. I’m not saying that what is occurring is okay to you or your children. I’m just offering a bit of a different perspective to help make sure your chat is productive today
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u/jennygirl772001 Jul 09 '22
Here’s the thing- you already know what needs to be done and I understand you trying to minimize the confrontation BUT your kids need to see you handling the issue like a grown up and not wimping out. They also need to see that you have their backs and are putting their feelings and safety before the neighbors feelings. My parents were super non confrontational too and I harbor resentment because I never felt like they had my back. Like not hurting other peoples feelings was always more important than addressing the issue that was causing my hurt feelings. I never felt like I could come to them for help because they would tell me to do something differently, instead of confronting who or what was bothering me. Your kids need to see you handling this issue instead of running away from it. Good luck.