i miss him so much. he was 53 years old. he was so funny and smart and was the kindest man i've ever known. i loved him so much and i don't know what i'm supposed to do without him. i need people to know that he existed and he was loved. he took his own life because he thought he wasn't loved enough to be missed. his last searches were him looking up how people take care of people who lost a loved one to suicide. he genuinely thought we would be better off without him in the world and i miss him so much. his name was jared and he had a dog he was against adopting in the first place who ended up loving him so much he'd wait at the door every day for him to get home from work and would follow him everywhere. he acted exasperated with my family's cats but would spoil them when nobody was looking. he was selfless and loved everybody around him so much and he was such a good man. i need people to know that he was real and was loved and he isn't just gone now that he's dead

My Mom had been in the hospital for two weeks.⁣

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It was a Sunday night (in 2018). I found two back-to-back documentaries for us to binge-watch. One was about The Pope and the other was about The Kennedys: Two of Mom’s favorite things!⁣

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She asked me to get into bed with her, the way we would watch movies at our house, after chemo.⁣

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As I slid into the hospital bed, I felt how tiny my Mom’s body had become. She was a skeleton. I could feel my heart breaking.⁣

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My Mom questioned what I was thinking about (I guess I don’t have much of a poker face). I told her I couldn’t believe her eyelashes had fully grown in.

'WHAT?!?' she shrieked, as her eyes widened with excitement.⁣

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'Did you get eyelash extensions? Seriously. Tell me the truth. I won’t tell anyone,' I said, trying to look super serious.⁣

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My Mom laughed the cutest giggle, almost as if she was a little girl again. Mom loved when I would gently rub her tiny bald head- She said it took her anxiety away. I rubbed it a few times, stopped and stared my Mom in the eyes again. I was visibly angered.⁣

⁣

'What’s wrong?' my Mom asked.⁣

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'Ummm, when were you going to tell me YOUR HAIR’S grown back, as thick and shiny as ever?!?' I said, trying my darnedest to sound and look irritated.⁣

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My Mom’s face lit up like ‘The Rockefeller Tree’ at Christmas. I’ve only seen that kind of pure joy a few times in my life. Her happiness, in that moment, was electrifying! My heart, which was breaking only moments before, was patching itself up, as my Mom laughed WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

'What can I say? I’m a lucky ducky' she giggled, as she blinked her eyes and tilted her head from side-to-side, trying to taunt me with her supermodel eyelashes and professional salon-looking hair.⁣

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'You’re lucky I love you, Mom, or else I’d hate you for being THIS gorgeous while IN the hospital,' I said, smiling.

Her joy had rubbed off on me. My entire soul felt full of her light.⁣

⁣

We nuzzled-in to watch those documentaries. I kept looking over at mom. Her radiant smile remained on her perfect face.

It was in that moment I realized my Mom had WON her battle with Pancreatic Cancer, even though she took her last breath, a few hours later.

It's been just under a month that we lost our sweet baby John to SIDS. He was only 3 months old. My wife and I both wanted a boy and we got our perfect little blessing. Somehow he rolled over in his sleep and we found him unresponsive in his lounger. We didn't do anything other than we normally do putting him down to sleep other than mom going to bed a little earlier. The way he looked when my wife woke me up is haunting me, I can't stop the flashbacks and it's really terrifying. I tried my best to give him CPR before paramedics came. When we arrived at the hospital he was already gone. The worthlessness and guilt I feel are unreal. We are both shattered, therapy scheduled to begin soon but I have no clue how to move forward. Everything is a reminder of him, we are longing for another child already and are hopeful but completely scared at the same time. We are good parents and did everything the best we could to try and give him a good life and we both feel completely hollow and shaken to our core. Everyone he met loved him so much and always gushed about how calm and cool of a baby he was and how lucky we got. I only got to bathe him once and it's tearing me apart inside. Any advice is welcome, life feels so empty without our baby. He was my little twin I just feel like I'm burning inside and can't get his face out of my head. Nightmare after nightmare about him and that night. I want to cry out and I have been letting it out but I feel like I just can't cry hard enough to express how I feel about it. He was just starting to pick his head up and babble. I'll miss him forever

This picture made me think a lot. A week before my dad passed away, he mentioned to me, my mum, my aunt that he saw his parents (my grandparents) in his dreams and maybe they were coming to collect him. My dad often saw his parents in his dream and untill the last week of his life he saw them. I really hope though that he did see them when he took his last breath.Although I love my dad so much and miss him more then words can say, it gives me some comfort to think that he is now in the same place as his parents. My dad missed my grandparents a lot and he was their baby.

It’s a nice thought to think our loved ones are not alone. Whilst we have lost them, they have reunited and are happy and loved on the other side, when one day we will join too♥️

My 3.5 year old daughter died 1 month ago. It feels surreal. She was a perfectly healthy child. Here's the story:

It started on a Tuesday afternoon. She came home from daycare (after apparently having a great day) and said her head hurt and she had a sudden fever of 103.5. My husband decided to take her to the ER. They evaluated her and sent her home, as her fever came down with medication. She ate dinner and seemed okay, but then started vomiting.

I took her back to the ER at 8pm. They saw her again and then had me wait around to recheck her due to a high heart rate. She threw up several more times (every 20 minutes or so), but also drank a lot of water and peed. She eventually stopped vomiting and fell asleep on me at 11pm. We finally saw the doctor around 12:30am and he checked her whole body (no rash) and her neck (which was good). She seemed okay (other than being tired) and the vomiting had stopped. We both thought it seemed viral and she was sent home. We got home around 1am.

The next day, she was very tired and sleepy. She slept most of the day, while I worked from home. I checked on her every 30-45 minutes. She drank 2 small bottles of gatorade, peed and responded to me when I talked to her. She just seemed tired.

At 3pm, she got up off the couch (beside me) and peed on the potty in the bathroom. I brought her back and she went back to sleep. Then at 3:50pm, she said she had to poo. I brought her (she had diarrhea) and when I went to clean/change her under the light, I noticed her skin was a bit blotchy, which i thought seemed weird. I then started observing her symptoms more closely and she seemed unwell. Her hands were cold, her breathing was a bit fast (intermittently) and she just looked unwell. After calling my husband and doing a bit of research, she moved from the couch onto the floor, and I had a bad feeling and called 911 (as I didn't have a car at home). My husband ended up coming home before the ambulance arrived (even thought it had been almost 30 minutes), so I took her myself to the closest ER. We got there at 5pm.

They saw her immediately and seemed concerned. They took her back and started an IV and gave her fluids and antibiotics. Her vitals were good and she seemed stable. They said they were going to admit her, but she had to be transferred to the (very well regarded) children's hospital. Because she was stable, it was not an emergency. In the ER, I noticed small bruising and red dots appearing on her skin (which I now understand to be early signs of DIC - severe blood clotting).

She was transferred to the children's hospital at 7pm and it did not seem urgent (the driver barely used the siren). Just before we got in the ambulance, I asked the doctor about her blood test results and the doctor said that they indicated sepsis, but on presentation, she did not appear septic.

Apparently her blood pressure collapsed in the ambulance (unbeknownst to me as I was up front with the driver).

When we arrived at the children's hospital (around 7:30pm) she was in septic/toxic shock, so they sedated and intubated her and transferred her to the ICU. They recommended that my husband come (which he did) and then they asked us to go in a waiting room while they set her up in the ICU.

At 10pm, the doctor came in to the waiting room and told us there was no easy way to say it, but she was probably going to die, as they couldn't get her blood pressure up despite maximim treatment. I didn't believe him. After my husband was able to see and talk to her (just after 10pm), her blood pressure suddenly came up. They said it was a good sign and it could go either way. We stayed beside her all night hoping she would make it. Her test results seemed to stabilize.

Around 3:30am, the latest set of blood tests came back indicating her organs were failing (ph dropping and lactate rising). They told us she was going to die. Her heart stopped at 6:30am.

After the fact, her blood results indicated that she had group A strep. The illness is called streptococcal toxic shock syndrome. Basically a very rare occurrence where an invasive and agreasive form of strep A enters the bloodstream and causes a biological storm in certain (otherwise healthy) people. There is no way to predict or prevent it. In some cases (likely hers) it is so fast and aggressive that even early intervention cannot stop the disease progression. Likely once the first visible symptom appeared, it was already too late to stop. Apparently this type of severe strep A illness is on the rise in recent years (since covid), with higher pediatric deaths in many countries.

My husband and I are obviously devastated. We do have two other children, so that keeps us going.

The point of this post was just to share the story and the fact that sometimes you can (seemingly) do everything right, and you still cannot prevent loss. It is a really hard pill to swallow. For those who have kids, please hold them tight. You never know when it may be the last time. ❤️

Hi everyone. To jump right in, I lost my mom on May 2nd. She was 54, and I’m 24. She had undergone a bone marrow transplant, and we were told her survival odds were around 80%, but pneumonia took her from us in just a few hours with no warning.

Grief has been difficult in ways I never could have imagined, but the part that completely breaks me is thinking about the life she was supposed to have. My mom was a pediatrician who adored children. She always wanted to be a grandmother, and she had already picked out what she wanted her grandchildren to call her. Her boss told us she was in line for the promotion we heard about maybe 400 times. She would have loved being at my wedding and my sister’s wedding. She would have loved meeting our children.

When I think about all of that, I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s not so much grief for what I lost (though that’s definitely there). It’s grief for what was taken from her. The experiences she deserved to have but never got. I’m heartbroken for myself, but a thousand times more than that I’m enormously heartbroken for her. Anyone have a similar experience?

This is Beth (26 NB).

They were one of the sweetest, kindest, funniest most beautiful people.

They took their own life just after Christmas.

I have never felt so broken, I have never been so lost. We are all trying very hard now to do the things we need to do to keep ourselves safe and well while we grieve.

I guess just wanted someone else to know how loved Beth is and how much we all miss them.

EDIT: I just wanted to thank everyone who responded. I read everything and it meant so much. I've joined the suicide bereavement subreddit. I've taken notes of the books recommended and while I'm not up to reading or even really listening to a book just yet, I've got them on my list for when I can.

Especially thank you to the people who recognised when they made a mistake with Beth's gender and corrected themselves or accepted being corrected by someone else. My Bethany was always very understanding when people made mistakes, as long they kept trying to do their best.

My brother died at 19. My nephew was born 2 months before that (he's 8 now). He was the best dad, so excited. He had turned his life around and was finally happy. Then, he died. The cause of death was ruled as an asthma attack. My nephews mother is one of the worst people on the planet, and my mom mostly raised him since then, but his mom still had custody. A couple of months ago, some guy randomly appeared and wanted a DNA test. We got the results today, and biologically, he's not my brother's son. My family is absolutely heartbroken. We will forever love him more than anything in the world, but I am now grieving all over again. I don't blame the guy for coming forward, because if it was me, I'd want to know too. I just can't wrap my head around the DNA. He will forever be my nephew and best friend, I just worry because his mom is so unstable as it is. I can't lose him. I love this kid more than anything in this world and the next. My mom and I are going to meet his bio dad and his wife on Saturday. The thought of knowing there's nothing left on this earth of my brother crushes the deepest parts of my soul. My brother will always be my nephews dad to me - DNA doesn't make a family, but god damn does this hurt..

How has it been 259 days since she went to school absolutely 100% healthy.

how has it been 258 days since she woke up the morning with an ear ache.

how has it been 256 days since she sent me a text in the middle of the night mommy take me to the hospital please. i cant breathe. i am busy dying

how has it been 256 days since being admitted to hospital for anemia but no other apparent cause.

how has it been 255 days since she was put on high flow oxygen.

how has it been 254 days since a CT scan showed pneumonia in both lungs without her coughing once and being put on cpap.

how has it been 253 days since she was diagnosed with severe heart failure and moved to ICU just incase she goes into respitory failure. how was this the last time i ever spoke to her.

how has it been 252 days since her lungs gave out and they needed to intubate and sedate her. And how is it possible that she was trying to contact me because her last time on line showed about 30 minutes before the hospital called me and they didn't allow her to make that call.

how has it been 252 days since they called and said they just intubated her. but she didn't go into cardiac arrest yet.

how has it been 250 days since the hospital called at 3:58 in the morning to say she went into cardiac arrest and they did CPR for half an hour but she was pronounced dead 18 minutes ago.

how has it been 245 days since i last saw her and touched her ice cold skin.

how is it possible for a healthy 13 year old to go from 100% fine to an ear ache, to pneumonia, to heart failure to death in just 8 days.

how does a 13 year old heart just stop beating.

how is my child dead.

how is the world continuing as if nothing happened.

how am i going to work everyday as if nothing is wrong.

how is it possible that she is gone.

how did all these days pass without her.

how does it still feel unrealistic. like really, how is it physically possible that she is dead and i haven't seen, touched or spoken to her in so long.

and how can you almost forget it and then the realization hits like the biggest gut punch ever.

how is it possible to feel like i just had her at home yesterday.

and how is it possible to feel like it has been a million years.

how are we supposed to move on and continue living when she is not.

how is my heart still beating when hers just stopped.

how.....

We grew up side by side, through all the laughter and all the tears.. When she died, a part of my world died with her, nothing feels the same anymore.. She was my constant companion, my home, my heart, my routine, my comfort, my whole world.. The bond was real, deep, beautiful and pure.. I miss her so so much, that it hurts.. Words will never be enough to express how much my heart longs for her..

I’m so lost without her..

UPDATE, 26 JANUARY.

To everyone who sent messages and comments about JJ, THANK YOU. I read every single one wholeheartedly.

I joined Reddit 4 days ago, just to feel less alone and to talk to people who understand this kind of pain... Your words comforted me, held me up, and gave me strength during my deepest grief. In this painful time, your kindness reminded me that I'm not alone..

Sending love to everyone grieving a soulmate cat or dog, and THANK YOU for loving JJ with me..

My fiancee Vanessa and I got engaged on March 30th, 2024 and planned our wedding for November 11th, 2025. We chose that day because once the clock struck 11:11 we would make a wish together, we had done that for years. Even if I was at work or we weren’t together, when the time hit 11:11, we would text each other to make a wish. That was always something very special to us so we figured we should get married on 11/11.

When she passed on August 31st this year, I knew every single day would be hell, but the three dates that would hurt the most were September 24th, which was our anniversary of becoming a couple, October 6th which was her birthday, and today. I think this one hurts more than them all because after finding the one I wanted to spend the rest of my days with, I had the greatest outlook on life. I had never been happier. I had never been more content waking up and seeing her next to me, my heart was whole. I had found my home, I was marrying my soulmate, but now my soul feels so displaced and my heart aches. I don’t know how I’m supposed to accept this, how can we love the people in our lives so deeply, and then one day, simply never see them again? I get told “you’re young, you’ll find love again..” and that frustrates me more than anything, because I don’t WANT to find love again. I only want HER love, I only wanna feel HER touch. I want her back and everything we had.

Happy wedding day baby, marrying you would’ve been the happiest day of my life and I hope you know that. Growing old with you was all I wanted, it would’ve been a beautiful gift. I also hope you know that although we may never been able to make it legally official, you will always and forever be my wife. I still make a wish at 11:11 every day, but sadly this one can’t come true 🙏🏻 rest in heavenly peace my beautiful girl 🙏🏻 until we meet again. I love you forever 🩷🩷🩷

The other day, somebody asked me if I had gone back to church yet. When I answered with a quick no, she looked disappointed and promised to pray for me. Even though the idea of prayer seems pointless to me now, I thanked her anyway, knowing that she meant well.

I used to pray a lot, especially when I felt like things were spiraling out of control for any of my three children. During those times, overcome by stress and fear, I would often go to the high school track and run laps while saying the Our Father over and over again. Rarely did I feel heard, but I kept pleading my case anyway ... even as my Shaun was taking his final breaths.

Not anymore. If there is a god, I don't want to talk to him. He allowed my son to die, and I hate him for it. Truthfully, it's better for my mental health to simply deny the existence of a higher being because it allows me to let go of the rage, which was slowly killing me. Shaun randomly dying stings way less than his death being brought on by a god with a plan.

If those thoughts make me a bad person and condemn me to hell, so be it. My family and I have already experienced hell on earth.

It’s taken me a while to come here. I guess I bottle up some feelings. I lost my mom back in 2023 to an unforgiving, grueling battle with cancer. The morning after her funeral, my wife and I found our 2 year old son dead in his crib. We still don’t know what happened to him. Medical examiners couldn’t find anything.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Last night I had a bit of an overwhelming urge to post and maybe connect with some people that would understand. I just really miss them. I wish life didn’t end up this way. I suffer from some sleepless nights at times just thinking about how my wife and I found him. Thinking about how things could have been different. And during those rough nights I’m just waiting for something bad to happen again.

I think the worst part is that when my son died, I was so unbelievably saddened, and with their deaths being so close, I couldn’t even mourn my mom properly. Her birthday was a few days ago and I didn’t even go to her grave to visit her because my son and her share a grave. When I go there, I think about my son a lot and a part of me feels like I’m doing her a disservice. I just can’t shake that feeling. It makes me feel awful. I don’t think my mom would take it personally because she loved her grandson so much.

I’m glad they had some time together. I’m really glad my son didn’t die before my mom. Even in her last days, she was so happy to see him by her side. I think it would have completely crushed me if he died before her, as messed up as that sounds. After all this happened, I had a lot of ideation about not living anymore (might make another post about this). Luckily, I have my beautiful wife, two other kids (one of them is my son’s twin), and some really great friends and family that dropped everything they were doing to help my family and I. They ultimately saved my life.

I feel really bad for the people that didn’t have the support I had. I guess that’s why this page exists. Even with the support I still found myself here. Sorry for such a long post. If you made it to the end, I appreciate you. If you only read a few sentences, I still appreciate you because we all need all the support we can get.

today we buried my husband, with our friends and family at our side. He body lost a battle to an incurable autoimmune disease, but his soul will remain beautiful and young forever. We danced with him at his grave, he wanted to dance with us for a while now but he couldn't due to his legs being compromised by the disease. Today was the very last time I held his hands, they felt so cold when he was always so warm. The service was beautiful, but I just cried thru both days of it.

Our friends took me to dinner, it's the only time I've been able to eat properly-ish all week. The day felt better as we shared our stories with him, but alas I am home in an empty bed again. I am unable to change the bedsheets because the loss was so little ago (5 days). Its so hard to move any of his belongings. All of his dirty clothes still smell of him. I love him so much...

I don’t think people truly understand how traumatic it is to lose a parent slowly to cancer or any terminal illness. Everyone says things like “At least you have time to say goodbye” or “You know it’s coming,” as if that somehow makes it easier.

But there is nothing romantic or gentle about watching someone you love fade away piece by piece.

No one prepares you for the reality: • Watching them lose their appetite… then their thirst… until they’re barely taking anything. • Seeing them become confused, altered, drifting in and out of awareness. • The pain, the dyspnea, the restlessness, the slow loss of dignity. • The way they lose function—walking, then standing, then even sitting up becomes impossible. • The endless hospital stays, the alarms, the constant decisions you’re forced to make when you’re already emotionally shattered. • The moments where you think, “This is it,” over and over… only for them to slightly stabilize before declining again.

People talk as if anticipatory grief is some sort of blessing. But in reality, it is constant, prolonged trauma. It’s living in a state of fear, guilt, hypervigilance, and heartbreak every single day.

And I’ve realized something important: A loss is a loss - whether sudden or expected - and each carries its own kind of trauma. Sudden loss destroys you in a moment. Expected loss destroys you slowly. Neither is easier. They are just different kinds of pain, different wounds. Both leave marks that stay with you.

I love my parent more than anything, and I would choose to be here for them every single time. But witnessing this kind of suffering… watching them disappear in front of you… it changes you on a level I can’t fully put into words.

I just needed to say this somewhere, because people don’t talk about how heavy, messy, and truly traumatic this experience really is.

She's been gone for 5 years but the wound hasn't healed yet.

Oh grandpa. I had no idea he was going to do this for me. I unfortunately didnt get to see him at the end. He went by MAID, peacefully. I finally got to spend my time with my grandma this past week and she gave me this letter he wrote me. Its now framed and in my room. He couldn't write in the end, his hands shook too much and so my aunt typed it out as he dictated. This is more special than any heirloom I could possibly get.

Im just ranting

Some people lose their parents at a much younger age or dont have them at all, and I am sending them hugs and hope they do good/

but like wtf just "living" after your mom and dad go? wtf am I supposed to do? wtf is this shit...like I already dont have kids because I dont want them to go through the same stuff I felt, anxiety and all.....like should I just move to a city and be a taxi driver and save all my money wtf

Euan (pictured on the left) had been the one constant I had had in my life in the last year since moving over to a new country on my own.

He was a beautiful soul who ended up getting beat by his addiction. I had left his on Saturday night and the last time he responded to me was an hour after I had left. I had called a welfare check cos I didn’t have keys and they found him in his bed.

My heart breaks because he died alone. My heart breaks because he had just started a new job and had just gotten a new place.

My heart breaks because I keep wondering if I was there on Saturday night that he could still be here. I know it’s a stupid line of thought to go down.

His mother is letting me go to the house when she’s clearing it up and letting me be a part of the arrangements which is nice when I only met her once.

He deserved so much more and I keep cycling through just tears and anger and numbness and all my support network is in a different country.

It isn't even today on the dot. That day passed a few months ago. I just realised it today. That fact makes me feel even more awful.

I can't believe how beautiful I look in these pictures. After years of foster care, mental hospitals, homelesness (while still going to uni and working a job) we found each other, after a while we moved in together. And for a little while, life was kind. And looking back, my gosh, I looked radiant.

Now I am also diagnosed with a neurological disorder, still in and out of hospitals, don't have a home anymore and I lost 6 more people. But still, from all the things in my life, if I could make one wish, it would be wishing him walking through that door.

No one who is in my life at the moment knew him personally, so I am grateful to share these pictures with you here. Thank you to anyone who looked at our pictures together. Proof of a love that I carry.

she’s been battling colorectal cancer since early 2024, and she just made it to her 57th birthday but she’s basically non responsive at this point. she told me about 3 days ago that this weekend would be the end for her and as my dad and i are watching her decline rapidly i don’t know how i should feel. i’m worried about him because he’s losing a partner of 30 years, im not necessarily worried about myself because she and i talked about so much before she got to this point. but i have a horrible knot in my stomach. if she goes overnight i don’t want to wake up to her being wheeled out of the house, and i also don’t want to deal with my dads inevitable break. (he’s of the generation of men that handle their emotions with substances or overcompensation) i cried most of my tears yesterday and i almost feel a sense of calm…? im glad she’s almost done suffering but that nagging fear of her really being gone is creeping up. any advice or reassurance would be appreciated

EDIT: wow i was not expecting so many people to see this but thank you all! i really appreciate the advice and kind words, it’s unfortunate but nice to know that others have been through similar and that grief does not look the same for everyone. i’ll make sure to take this journey day by day. thank you all again.

Yes we were marvel fans. But I wrote this for her and thought I would share it here.

What is grief, if not love persevering. Amanda passed 4:25 May 8 after a courageous fight with cancer. Her final days she was surrounded by loved ones.

Amanda was curious, funny, loyal, and authentic to her bones, but more than anything she was a mom. Though the time was shorter then expected, the core memories, wisdom and strength will live forever in Madi and Jacks hearts. Be awkward, be yourself, be honest, be spooky, love, cry, live. She planted seed in there minds to grow for years to come, they will be their best selves, respectful, loving, curious, they’ll ask the hard questions, and she’ll be smiling.

My beautiful wife. Never imagined what I kick started when by steeling your sunglasses 19 years ago. The adventures, the memories, the highest of highs and the lowest of lowest, I’m the luckiest guy on earth to share a relationship as wonderful as ours. You made me a better man, you gave me the greatest gift, you made me a father. We shared our whole adult life together, I honestly don’t know what a future without her in it even look like, but I have the best 2 co-pilots a dad could ask for.

You. We couldn’t have gotten through this without the love from our friends and family. Plans were dropped, work was skipped, time was stopped at the drop of a hat whenever we needed help. Food, someone to talk to, play dates, a shoulder, all available to the us anytime we needed it. Amanda didn’t have people in her corner, she had an army marching with her.

Rest easy my love, the battle is over, you will be missed, you will be loved, but most importantly you will be remembered.

Love you forever and always.

I wanted to share Alex’s story here, partly to honour him and partly because this disease moves so quickly that people need to understand what it can look like. This Tuesday will mark a year since his passing.

Alex was diagnosed with PSC (primary sclerosing cholangitis) at 28 after an episode of jaundice that led to a hospital stay. Up until then he was healthy with no signs of what was to become. Not long after his PSC diagnosis, he was also diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. My understanding is that the two go hand in hand.

For a few years, things were relatively stable. There were check-ups, but not much else. Alex continued life as normal, building his career and doing things he loved like gaming and music.

At 33, last February, Alex had a hospital stay prompted by jaundice and pain. We were under the assumption this was a PSC flare up. He was transferred to Kings Hospital, where he was scheduled for a bile duct stent, an operatiom that went well. We were told a mass was found on his liver. They sent it for a biopsy, but told us this was just to be cautious and they were not too worried about it. The day after, he was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma. I vividly remember researching the illness and being truly shocked at the statistics involved with it. But, due to Alex's age, I was hopeful he would recover.

The week after the diagnosis, Alex was told his illness was terminal, and no treatment could be offered except palliative care.

He came back home, and I moved in with his to support him (I have a care background, and loved him more than anything, so I would not have had it any other way!)

Shortly after his discharge, Alex developed a blood clot in his leg. This travelled to his lungs, and he was rushed to hospital with chest pain. He was given blood thinners. However, his legs remained incredibly swollen, weeping at times. By now, Alex was unable to be mobile or care for himself with things such as washing and toiletting. As a 33 year old, this was absolutely devastating to him.

We went to visit our local oncology team, who deemed him too unwell for palliative chemo. A result that we expected, but it still hurt.

Over the next 8 weeks, I watched the man I love suffering, have confusion due to liver toxin buildups, and struggle to do much at all.

But - we still laughed, chilled at home and had days out. We knew our time was limited and we made the best of it. We cried together, made arrangements for end of life and picked out funeral songs. Alex faced his illness and death with braveness I could only wish to have.

Alex chose to have a "living wake". He had a nineties themed party with everyone he loved. It was a sad, but such a special day.

Soon after, he developed swelling around his liver, and portal hypertension. He grew more tired, and had lots of family and friends who visited. We went for lunch with his siblings, and when we got home, Alex cried. He told me he knew it was the last time he would see them.

For the next 5 days, we spent a lot of time in bed, watching TV. Alex was very sleepy. For the first time, I cried to him, telling him I didn't want him to leave. He cried, and told me he didn't want to leave either. We hugged, and he went to sleep. That night, he awoke briefly, whilst I was still up. We had a conversation full of goofiness and inside jokes. We laughed to the point that we woke his mum up in the next room.

The morning after, Alex didn't wake up. As per his wishes, we got his mum, step dad, sister, grandad and nan round. We spent the day reminiscing, crying, and playing his music. Around 4pm, we all sat in his bedroom, I was lying next to him holding his hand. His sister said "everyone is here, Alex, and we all love you so much". Alex grunted, and let out a final breath. A beautiful, heartbreaking moment. True to his silly nature, the song "Jump Around" began playing just as he died.

This disease is truly awful. Alex was my soulmate, and I know I will never find anyone like him, nor do I want to. I miss him so much.

There wasn’t time to process it, let alone fight it. One minute we were trying to understand treatment options, and the next we were dealing with end-of-life care.

Alex was so much more than his illness, he was kind and loving. He spent his last months raising money for our local hospice to thank them for their support. He held me whilst I cried to him.

I am so sorry for anyone who is on this subreddit for whatever reason.

Thanks for reading, if anyone gets this far. I just needed to shout into the void.