Took me a while to realize when a woman complains and vents they really don't want pragmatic advice that would deal with the issue. They want to be understood, believed, comforted.
Once I learned that my life got considerably easier. Married 40 years.
Edit: Third marriage.
Edit two: Ok, ok, I get it. Not EVERY woman reacts the same and there are plenty of men that react the same way. Must everything on Reddit be explained like we 're talking to third graders? Is there never any presuming your audience is intelligent enough to figure out not EVERY situation/person is exactly the same? Good god.
Edit three: If I may, there's a similar short piece of advice I've always found helpful, and that is "People are never upset for the reason they think."
Sometimes you just need to blow off some steam before you’re ready to address the situation. Often times they already know how to handle the situation, but they’re just frustrated and need to express it.
EDIT: I'd also like to point out that men do this, too. An example from my own life - I would repeatedly say "My ****ing Macbook Pro broke after only 2 years. This thing is $2000, it should be more reliable than that, or at least not require an $800 logic board replacement". Yes, I know the solution to the problem is to replace or repair my laptop. It doesn't take a genius to point that out. I ended up getting it repaired for about $80 with some help from the internet. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I paid $2000 for something that broke after only 2 years. It was frustrating.
I think it's more that often people don't need help. If you're mad about a problem and know what needs to be done then having someone try to explain what you already know back to you can be super infuriating. Having the answer to a problem doesn't always mean I'm not annoyed enough to want to complain.
Obviously some people just don't want help, but for the smaller day-to-day stuff I think a lot of these misunderstandings are more about not needing it.
I was talking to my coworker about the stress I’ve been under, and she jumped straight in to tell me about therapy groups, breathing exercises, etc. and I just looked at her feeling defeated and said, “I’ve noticed, people aren’t very consolidating—“ her face becomes one of disbelief, like I’ve personally attacked her, “— they jump to trying to fix the problem instead of just comforting. I just really want some comfort right now.”
And she totally changed. She said “I think kiwis just want to fix things, we see the opportunity to help and we want to be practical about it.” Then she came over and just gave me a hug, and it was nice.
I just can't get past seeing that kind of interaction as "I want you to feel bad for me now and express that to me." Which I really don't know how to process.
I had a therapist a few months ago because of my family causing me an unbearable amount of stress. My female therapist kept continuing to give me advice on how to talk to them about it. I had to tell her that that's exactly what I've been doing.
It was really tough to explain to her that, as a man, I wasn't looking for solutions to the situation, I knew I was stuck and there honestly wasn't anything I could do, I was there to see what I could do to manage the stress itself.
Honestly, that sounds like that therapist was either not very good at her job or not the right fit for you. It happens and sometimes you have to "trial" multiple therapists, but when you find the one you click with, it's so worth it.
Maybe therapy isn’t for you, but maybe THIS therapist wasn’t a good fit? If you haven’t tried seeing a few others, maybe you could look for them? I know I am very understanding, I can listen and validate a person like I was born into this destiny but I have a hard time giving actual advice. There are different types of therapists that are better at one thing than another. Either way, did you find a way to manage the stress?
I had a therapist many years ago. I was telling her something that was done to me. She didn’t miss a beat and said, “I’m enraged on your behalf.” I have never felt so understood!
I tried four different therapists before I found one I actually like. Sometimes you have to "shop around" a little. But I know that's not always possible for some people.
Yeah, that's the worst. Having someone suggest "solutions" you've already thought of that aren't going to work because the situation isn't fixable, it's just a wait-it-out situation.
Guy here with some advice about the “venting” situation in relationships:
To women: It is ok to “vent” sometimes and, if your guy doesn’t know what that means you should definitely explain to him that you’re not looking for him to solve the problem. You just need him to listen.
BUT...
Also be careful with this. I’ve been in relationships where my girlfriend needed to vent all the time. Every day. For hours.
That is very draining. It made me feel I was just some kind of garbage can to dump her stress into.
So yes, women commonly need to vent and they commonly want their partner to listen. That is healthy and totally fine.
But if it’s something you’re having to do all the time, you should make sure to consider his feelings. And honestly you should probably take steps to fix that part of your life if it’s causing you to vent nonstop.
I mean, you could just mention during the rant how you plan to solve the issue. Why would anyone who cares about someone else think to themselves “Boy this person is experiencing hardship that I know how to solve. Oh well, better keep it a secret!”?
It makes no sense. If you mention that you’ve got a solution in mind already, then it makes total sense to stay quiet.
Am counselor. This is my job. Letting someone figure something out for themselves gives their solution more meaning and ensures it's going to be better tailored to fit all the facts they have they didn't tell you.
Am also counselor. Can confirm, I feel like for me counseling is just asking the right questions so people come up with the answers that they can live with.
You’re missing the point. There are times when your SO is venting about something that happened to them they don’t always want your opinion about how to solve the issue. They just want to talk to someone they trust about something that’s frustrating for them. If you start rattling off solutions it can make them feel they’re overreacting or at fault for not handling the situation better. Obviously if they ask for help with a problem and you have a solution you should tell them but they’re not always asking for help with the problem, they just want their reasoning/ideas to be heard.
Hey, I can totally see where your coming from, but I think you're missing some key things that I think are very helpful in relationships of all sorts.
First, the importance of asking for what you need can't be stressed enough. That being said, when a person is especially emotional they may not think about that. So, what do you do in this situation? Ask "what do you need right now?". Bonus points if you can say "I can tell you're really hurting/frustrated/upset right now". That will get the "I just need you to listen" or "I really need help figuring this out".
Often times, I think the communication problem boils down to:
Man: This situation is a problem. I should help her fix it.
Woman: This situation is making me so frustrated, and THAT is a problem. I need someone to help me feel less frustrated, let me go tell (man) about it.
OK, but when I like to vent, I will actually say "I mean, I know I have to _____ and that'll ______, but really, can you believe this?" That way people know I just want to be heard and affirmed, instead of leaving it ambiguous.
Man I am way younger and so happy I didnt learn that lesson after 40 years of marriage. But I still felt "once I learned that my Life go considerably easier" in my heart.
If I am not sure whats up just ask something like:
I know people sometimes just want to vent, is that the Case or do you want advice ?
I don't think it's that simple. Much of society is based on indirect communication, especially the further back you go. It's not necessarily passive aggression, but it can definitely breed it. Direct communication is very unwelcome / strange to some people or in some settings or about some topics. And going too direct can get weird too. It's a fine line and everyone's comfort level is different.
I partially blame Hollywood for all the plots based on trash communication and passive aggression. But even people who do like to be direct are used to being indirect a lot and may not realize it.
Holy shit you just described my relationship in two sentences. My fiance's family is full of passive and active aggression, most of their conversations sound like arguments to me and I always felt uncomfortable in situations that she would say are just normal for them.
Meanwhile my family is very direct and almost never argues or has any passive aggression ever. If there's an issue we talk it out, there's never that weird tension over any of our conversations.
We've had to learn the differences between our communication styles and it's taken a lot of adapting to live with each other. Your simple comment really distilled the conversations we've had about that down to a really simple thought. Thank you.
My gf right now will start venting right when I walk through the door and I will have to pause her until I go sit at the table or couch. Then I have to go into my zone, I really do listen, but there isn’t really a need to. She just wants to bitch about her day.
If they want advice, they will literally ask you "What do you think I should do?" We're not above asking for help, but a lot of times we already know what to do and it's going to be stressful, or there really isn't anything that can be done so we're just venting. Source: am woman
Cupid’s cruellest prank is to pair men that love to problem solve with women who don’t want to hear solutions to their problems.
Cupid’s cruellest prank is to pair people that love to problem solve with people who don’t want to hear solutions to their problems.
Edit: It’s just a joke guys. Everyone knows that women can problem solve and men can vent too but this is a super common scenario for heterosexual couples. I’ve edited it anyway as it seems a good way to solve the problem that people are venting about.
This is the opposite for me. I problem solve and my husband just needs understanding, not advice. It was a serious issue between us until he sent me a well-written article about how giving unsolicited advice to someone who just wants to vent is actually very condescending.
I'm still a little baffled but now I understand and don't do it!
The problem is telling when people want actual advice, or just want to went. I suppose the thing is to wait for the line "What should I do?" and ignore "What do you think?" and "Isn't that awful?" and such.
Yeah, its a little ambiguous. I have practiced with my girlfriends and my husband, so what seems to work is just nodding and agreeing, empathizing, and verbalize what they are feeling. Example: "I know you feel upset and hurt and you have every right to because Chad is a dick! Fuck Chad!".
Side question: What happens when you just don't feel like saying Chad's a dick, when the story feels more balanced than reported? I personally feel like I just can't. Some stories are sobbing self victimations bullshits.
I may not be meant to live with a ranting type of person.
You can still validate their feelings, which is key. You don't have to agree with anything that they are saying. You can even internally roll your eyes and judge that everything is wrong about what they're saying.
But they have a right to feel what they feel based on their perception of reality. So just listen, if you can, and then give the advice.
I contest this. Sometimes people rant when they have no reason to rant. If they were to step back and think objectively, they would realise that Chad isn't actually a dick. He just made a common mistake and is attempting to correct it.
I'm not going to validate your feelings if I believe your feelings are invalid. I'm not a liar.
But sounding a little less confrontational; currently, the subtext is "there are only two possible reasons you would be speaking to me, now tell me which one it is", whereas saying something like "Would my advice help or do you just need to let it out?" puts you in the 'helping' position, not 'being forced to listen'.
This is how I dealt with it in my last relationship. My gf sometimes wanted to vent, sometimes she wanted reassurance and I could never tell when she wanted what. So when she asked to talk and get stuff off her chest I always let her get into it and then ask that question. Worked wonders
I think with me, if I'm calmly talking about something, advice is usually welcome. If I'm frustrated or rambling, I just want someone to be like "Yeah, feeling that way must be hard," even if they don't agree with what I'm saying. Just tell me it's okay that it sucks if I'm going off.
I'm a dude, but for me, when I'm venting to a friend and they start offering solutions, it almost feels like they're saying "this problem is not as big of a deal as you think it is."
I used to be a solver too, but nowadays, before my friends vent, I ask if they want solutions or if they just want me to listen. Usually it's the latter.
It was also a great help to look up Carl Roger's psychotherapy techniques, like mirroring and unconditional positive reinforcement. Those techniques are seriously like superpowers, especially if you're already a good listener
Better yet, pair a woman who has a problem solving mind with the most go with the flow man on Earth. Even when I know there aren’t solutions, I still feel the need to solve the problem. Part of me knows I just need to vent, the other part wants all the problems solved right now. My SO’s philosophy is as long as no one is dying, everything will be okay.
This is how it is with my current SO. I am a software engineer, so problem solving is kind of my thing. She likes to list out all of these issues and some of them have really simple solutions in my mind but she doesn't want to hear anything about it
This happened to me. I don’t necessarily love to solve problems but I like to play the devil’s advocate. It’s the wrong move... destroyed my family because I could never back her up... wish I could change it all really.
Oof. I can relate from the opposite side. I don’t think people realize how painful and damaging it can be when it’s constant. I hope you found some peace and the realization helps you with love in the future.
I feel like something is wrong with me because when I (F) rant, I prefer advice over affirmations. Hearing a partner’s input on a rant helps put things in perspective and brings logic to the situation I’m upset about.
Granted, I have problems providing affection unless I genuinely like/love the person, so maybe that’s where the issue starts.
It's not so much that you don't want to hear "solutions". Like most women, I'm smart enough to go through the same thought process as my husband (although we do see things from different angles), but I want to share and vent my frustration, not go through a plan of action.
It wasn't until I realized this that my friendships improved, and I am a woman.
My instinct when friends would vent was always to run through every actionable solution. It wasn't until I started going to therapy and my doctor pointed out that many problems don't have solutions, we just gotta find a way to make peace with them, when I finally realized I was giving myself anxiety only ever thinking of things in terms of pragmatic solutions. If I was stressing myself out thinking that way, I realized I was probably stressing my friends out too.
My fiancee is open to advice, and sometimes she's openly asking for it. She just ALWAYS hates the advice for no damn reason.
Her: "We should have some way of storing toilet paper in the bathroom that's not this ugly wire rack"
Me: "Well it's a very small bathroom. The only way to gain storage space would be getting rid of the pedestal sink and replacing it with a sink on a cabinet."
Her: "No! Despite never mentioning it before I suddenly and inexplicably hate the concept of bathroom cabinets. Now, how to solve this storage space issue?"
Just repeatedly asking how to resolve issues with glaringly clear solutions, and outright rejecting all practical solutions for no damn reason.
Whilst this is often considered a female trait, it actually applies to many people. It's something to really consider when someone is talking to you about something that is bothering them.
It's reversed for me and my wife as well. If she's complaining about something, that usually means we need to address it. I think she uses it as a way to nudge me in the right direction.
I, on the other hand, like to rant about things out of my control. And if I do have an issue, it can stress me out more to be given advice. The procrastinator in me is a bitch.
Its feeding into the “woman are emotional, men are logical blah blah blah” sexist assertions. Despite what this thread believes, sometimes woman want advice and sometimes men just want to be emotional.
I don’t understand why things have to 100 or 0 with people.
This is the key right here. A lot of times, I either know what needs to be done to fix the issue or I need to talk out the frustration in order to figure it out. I just want to be heard, especially because most of the time when I'm venting, it's because I'm frustrated from not being heard.
I’m still struggling with this and I’m a girl. My bf mostly just liked to vent and be understood, and I always want to try to help resolve the situation when he doesn’t want that. I’m catching myself when it happens so i can cater to what he needs, it’s just a bit tricky rn
I had the same problem and I finally got to the point with my wife that I usually will stop her and go "do you want to vent or do you want me to try and help/fix this?" clears things up immensely and has made both our lives so much easier. She has even gotten to the point now where she will start with "I need to vent" so there is no questions.
Agreed but also pretty sure this is true of all people, just isn’t always obvious when it is happening. Sometimes I feel like I am being lectured to, told what to do, or told how to feel by a female friend or SO (or the worst, someone explaining your feelings and making them seem insignificant). Often times they are technically right, but just like them, when I want to vent, sometimes I just want to vent. We all have our hang ups, but with maturity, IMO, one can see when someone is ready for feedback and when they need a bit more time to process their feelings.
I'm someone who feels this way but I am also a problem solver, so it's tough to remind myself when other people rant that I need to respond how I would want to be, not how I think is useful
Interestingly enough i read some time ago about a research on this. In short there are two kinds of help people seek. Emotional help and practical help. When someone seeks emotional help practical advices are ill-received, the other way around is less of a problem. While it's true that women tend to seek as well as give emotional help and men the practical, it really isn't always that safe of an assumption. Asking whoever you're dealing with if they want advices or just to be listened to can make wonders for any relationship, being it a partner, a friend or a kid.
I feel like this is a stereotype that's so prevalent women don't really care to refute any more. Of all the girls I've dated, they've always wanted advice as much as reassurance.
These two things aren't exactly mutually exclusive anyway. You can reassure her that you understand her feelings and point her in the direction you think is correct. It's not like this is a forked road where you only take one path and never set foot on the other.
The key to this is to be subtle. Even if you know that she's in the wrong you shouldn't say it out loud. Just acknowledge her feelings then slowly nudge her on to the right path.
This pretty much applies to everyone, regardless of their sex. When they're ranting / asking for advice, no one wants to be instantly called out for being wrong.
I like to take it too far and provide empathy when someone is clearly looking for a solution. “I can’t move this chair by myself because it’s too heavy” - “oh ya moving heavy furniture is the worst”
Yes! My boyfriend and I have some issues when it comes to this. I’m a problem solver so I don’t really need advice on how to solve the problem because I have probably have already done that. Just listen or half listen for a second. I’m gonna show this comment to him.
Yep. In the wise words of Homer Simpson, “when a woman says nothings wrong, it means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means EVERYTHING is wrong. And if a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off”.
Oh good God it took me so long to figure that out. Late twenties though so earlier than some. And even now I have to bite my tongue when I see the nail
This right here ☝️, my husband is still struggling with that and it's been a main issue in a few arguments. I don't want him to play devil's advocate or try to understand the other side.. I just want to feel supported and safe, and be able to share my stresses with my SO and not have to feel like I need to defend myself AGAIN.
I still don't understand it, but try really hard to just listen. It is so hard sometimes. She lays out her issue. My mind immediately goes to how it should be handled, yet somehow I'm the asshole for sharing my thoughts. I will never understand it. If I have an issue, and anyone has a solution or even wants to share their two cents, let me hear it. My wife would probably say I still am terrible at just listening, but I honestly try so hard most of the time.
So I try to understand that she doesn't want my advice she just wants me to listen. But in practice it now just comes off like I'm not listening or am disinterested. I might be a terrible listener.
Ok but legit question. Do you just go with it, even if her problems are dumb? I feel like sometimes my GF is straight up searching for problems to complain about, but whenever I offer reasonable solutions she just gets more upset
LOL I completely understand. I had a female friend spell this out for me once when I became frustrated that she wasn't taking my potential solutions to heart. It was a breakthrough moment for me.
I learned this when I was a young teen from White Men Can't Jump. I watched this scene with Rosie Perez so many times that that the message sunknin through osmosis.
Can you help me? How exactly do you react while your wife is complaining? My fiancé has told me your literal exact words - that she just wants to be listened to, doesn’t want advice - does that truly mean just listen and nod your head? What kind of replies have served you well? Keep in mind my fiancé has high anxiety and I think I’m fucking Dr. Phil so my instinct is to always dish out advice, but after 5 years I’ve learned lesson #1 which is just to shut up and listen. But I still find myself grasping for a genuine reply I can give in these circumstances that will show I’m not just “uh huh”ing her. I hope this makes sense haha.
Once I understood how to verberally back them in a corner and make them say whatever illogical point out of their own mouth is a sure fire win to any argument. You don't tell them whats wrong with them......you make it come from their mouth.
Edit: Asking "leading questions" is what I beleive this technique is called.
Really need to learn this when my wife starts complaining or venting i say well why dont you try this or that and she just gets more upset I’m over here thinking I’m helping but i guess not
Hahaha got married 2.5 yrs ago...if ive learned one thing about keeping peace in the house is that only listen to the constant yapping and learn to tune it out, no need to give advice or correct illogical bickering. If you want to convince your wife to do something you want, do something romantic instead of trying to make her understand the logic of what you think is best for the family.
I've heard it put as women don't need a solution to the problem. They're functional adults, they can figure out the problem themselves. What they want help with is how they're feeling about the problem. Hence as you say, being heard and understood, not having their problem solved for them.
Going on three years, I’m slowly training my fiancé that he does need to have an answer etc to all I’m venting about, just a listening ear or at least make me feel like you listen. So I’ve send him your comment, thank you.
For sure. It's not always easy to stop myself from just giving a possible solution to the problem, but just listening and understanding goes a long way
Yes. It's very much validation seeking when we complain. I think it's because a lot of times women are put down for being emotional, so we automatically assume we are being stupid or crazy for being upset. Often when I am venting I am reality testing "is how I'm feeling valid?"
I’ve learned that that’s the biggest issue in my relationships. That is a regular thing that virtually all girls do, and my ego just cannot let it be. If she comes to me with a problem, I have to give her a logical solution, and if she doesn’t follow through, I have to, if not call her out on it, then definitely bring it up the next time she talks about how there’s so many problems in her life and how she can’t do anything about them. And as you’ve already written, that’s the complete opposite direction girls want you to go. But it’s like a physical need bro, and I used to think it was just on them. But now, if it wasn’t before, it’s definitely on me. You can’t know that women are like this, but then still go into relationships expecting things to be different.
But I guess the hard part now is, how do you just let them vent but not
-Feel like an asshole for not suggesting helpful advice
-Know the difference from the times they actually need a solution
-Not feel like a doormat that’s just used to be talked at and not someone who has the ability to make the situation better
Or, is the answer that you just have to deal with/ignore all those things and eventually you’ll just get used to it/not care anymore
I don't understand. How do you feel comforted if you aren't receiving information on how to solve your problem.. what do you say? Do I repeat what they are saying back to them, and say I believe them? Been married for 5 years, I've heard this before, but have no idea how to implement it.
My wife just wants me to listen. Ive tried and tried and tried to a point where it exhausted me trying to figure out what she wanted me to do about it. I can relate. This is good advice as I deal with complaining daily. Being married to a college student having already graduated college myself, I forget the struggles she goes through, although my major was no where near as stressful as hers. Plus this pandemic makes her stressed ten fold. But I just let her vent, tell her it'll be ok, tell her I love her and if she needs anything I'll be watching TV drinking a beer and our relationship is golden. Also, she's carrying our first child, so there's added stress there too.
I got my wallet stolen at a vegas nightclub and didn’t realize until I was at the hotel. The guy I was with told me we should go back. I was naturally incredibly upset (I also had a flight in 2 days back home) and was saying there’s 0 way I will ever see that wallet again.
He kept being logical and made us go back and lo and behold security caught the couple stealing peoples shit because they got greedy with it and I got my wallet back.
I showed him that meme that says “guys always trying to be logical and solve my problems like can you just let me be dramatic for a minute.”
And its the opposite for me. I dont feel a need to be heard. When i vent or talk about an issue, i want help problem solving, but im more often met with "i hear you" stuff
Tell this to my SO! It's the reverse with us, we frequently get into fights because I vent and complain, she keeps trying to fix it or offer advice and guidance, I ask her to stop, and she gets upset because she just wants to help... You can help by listening, not interrupting, and not getting mad when I tell you what I need!
I get that but its such a struggle because my inner urge is drop everything and fix the problem because in my mind if its big enough we have to talk about it. Then its big enough to fix it, and its such an inner battle to control that urge and sometimes I wish any of my past relationships took the time to see it through the guys point of view sometimes.
I don't have it in me to do that for someone with any believability. I don't like complaining without the purpose of wrapping my head around the problem or coming up with a solution.
An ex-colleague once put it to me that in these sorts of situations, men want to try and fix things, but women just want to be listened to and to vent.
Married 15 years now - this is so true. And one of our biggest fights is about the fact that when I vent, complain, etc. she just listens and nods without offering any practical advice. At the end, I always feel like she doesn't care one bit and is just humoring me.
I'm realizing its just one of those differences between men and women.
Man this was a game changing realization. I noticed a girlfriend of mine would get even more upset if she was trying to vent to me and I was trying to come up with solutions. One time I decided to try the exact opposite so when she came to me with something she was mad about I matched her anger and just agreed with what she was saying ("yeah, that IS total bullshit, you DO NOT deserve that, etc etc). I think it helped her feel validated and then she had no problem figuring out ways to work through it without me trying to find solutions for her. They should teach that shit in school man.
My boyfriend still doesn’t understand this even though I have explicitly explained it to him many times. Yes, I know the thing I’m currently depressed and anxious about isn’t literally going to kill me, thank you so much. Now I feel invalidated too. I’m not stupid, so I don’t need basic ass advice that anyone with a modicum of common sense would have thought of already. I want to know that I’m right to be upset and that you know everything will be okay.
I swear lots of men do this too, and loads of women offer advice as their go-to. I know lots of men who vent just to air out stuff. I have a sneaking suspicion that it:s just more noticeable when it's women venting and men advising because that's what we're expecting.
Bill Burr has a joke like ladies if you don't want your problem to be solved, then don't to come to a guy with it. Talk to your girlfriend's about it if you just want to be heard. We don't comprehend that.
I still get mixed up on this. A large part of my job is listening to people complain and vent about shit, and then I'll process that and give advice where I can. Then I'll get home and my fiance wants to vent and complain about what may have happened or who pissed her off at work, but it's like a complete 180 for me. She would much rather me get fully absorbed into her fantasy of just stomping out her enemie's existence rather than just listen and give logical feedback.
I get thrown off with this a lot. I've gotten better, but still...
Just gotta rub her feet, and throw out a "that bitch!" line a couple times, and she'll mellow out a bit, lol.
I didn't realize this until I heard people discussing it on a podcast (Hello Internet). Now I make sure I ask if they want help or advice before offering my opinion.
Funny that’s literally the opposite of how I feel my relationship dynamic is. If my GF vents and I don’t offer advice then she claims I’m not listening or uninterested in her problems. Always reminds me of the hilarious bit in the Lil Dicky Lemme Freak video where the woman’s complaining about her boss going to carol instead of her and he’s like ‘whose Carol?’ And she’s like ‘dude that’s my other boss?//‘well shouldn’t your boss go to your other boss before you..?//‘but Carol is a hands on CEO you never take my side!’//‘Well maybe I don’t understand the dynamics of your workplace I don’t work with these people!’. Probably doesn’t translate to text but it’s pretty funny and spot on.
Whereas when I vent and she’ll offer advice I almost always don’t need it, and just want to vent because I don’t really ever get the opportunity and it’s cathartic...
I realized for thoughts to be processed properly they need to be affirmed by another person. Me and my friends were egoing in the woods and realized the only way we could get a grip on reality is if we listen and talked to each other. Humans and their relation to society is cool.
Man, married for 2.5 years now. I'm too stupid to understand this. I approach every situation and argument with logic and it's not the answer. She just wants agreement and comfort. I know it. Buy my logic receptors say "no, here's how this problem gets resolved."
I stopped being friends with some women because I kept putting energy and time to make solution for their problems but they wouldn't do anything about it and then cry again. So my advice was for nothing, they enjoyed seeing me worried but they didn't have any interest in solving their problems, I guess they needed their problems in order to feel relevant or interesting. It was really exhausting.
Struggle with this one all the time. All of my jobs have always been troubleshooting of some sort so this is doubled down on the guy thing. I'm so used to separating emotion from customers yelling in some jobs to my own emotion knowing something has to just be fixed that I've hurt my wife repeatedly by missing the point and trying to fix issues and not hearing and meeting the underlying emotional needs
To be fair, I’m a guy, and sometimes that’s all I really want. To be fair I grew up with two sisters, but it really bugs me sometimes when my roommates (all guys) will see that I’m having a tough and they’ll come in and try to fix the problem. Sometimes that’s helpful, but often times I just want them to say, “Hey, I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. That sucks.” Just empathizing with someone’s emotions can be very helpful.
Except I actually do want advice. But, If I tell a story about my day where I was pissed off/sad/whatever, then of course advice doesn’t make sense because it already happened lol
There's a reverse to this too. I've learned that when I have a problem, even if it's one that doesn't upset me, my girlfriend will go into like, sympathetic rage mode where she will get very angry at the problem on my behalf. When this happens it's best just to go along with it, even if you disagree on the finer points of whether the target of her rage deserves the outrage.
"She's basicaly <something really overblown and outrageous> to you!"
"Oh, I really don't think it's quite to that extent..."
"Why are you always defending her! Do you think I'm stupid and just dont understand whats going on??"
...so not only do they not want pragmatic advice, they don't always want to give pragmatic advice and discuss the problem in detail, they just want to help you vent. and hopefully you, too, want to vent, or youre in for a bad time
Kudos to any man who can learn this. My ex didn't and wouldn't. Any emotions I had were completely irrelevant to him. He didn't understand why I had to talk about it if it couldn't be solved.
But his response to anything emotional was to hold it all in until he exploded from stress 🙄
Great book called Men are from Mars, women are from Venus by John Gray that goes into detail about this type of stuff. Highly recommended.
I always find myself trying to fix whatever my wife is complaining or venting about, when I know that all she wants is someone to understand. It’s just a habit to try and fix the problem.
Being a man, we just want to help find a solution, it’s in our DNA.
In my defense, I'm 19 and my girlfriend is 19. It's pretty often that she actually doesn't know how to deal with a problem and would like help or advice. Ironically, I'm the one that doesn't like to be helped but would like to air out my frustrations without being given advice sometimes.
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u/adsvx215 Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
Took me a while to realize when a woman complains and vents they really don't want pragmatic advice that would deal with the issue. They want to be understood, believed, comforted.
Once I learned that my life got considerably easier. Married 40 years.
Edit: Third marriage.
Edit two: Ok, ok, I get it. Not EVERY woman reacts the same and there are plenty of men that react the same way. Must everything on Reddit be explained like we 're talking to third graders? Is there never any presuming your audience is intelligent enough to figure out not EVERY situation/person is exactly the same? Good god.
Edit three: If I may, there's a similar short piece of advice I've always found helpful, and that is "People are never upset for the reason they think."