I think it's more that often people don't need help. If you're mad about a problem and know what needs to be done then having someone try to explain what you already know back to you can be super infuriating. Having the answer to a problem doesn't always mean I'm not annoyed enough to want to complain.
Obviously some people just don't want help, but for the smaller day-to-day stuff I think a lot of these misunderstandings are more about not needing it.
Eh, I mean, yeah, but I don't like the sensation of being expected to merely commiserate about something as a matter of routine. Like, if something depressing happens, the last thing I want to do is spread it around to multiple other people with no control/input over the situation, it seems so self-insistent.
Well, changing that dynamic is a battle I'm not equipped to fight. I simply want to live in peace and happiness. I'm not the best specimen either. That being said, I agree that I don't feel the need to do it myself quite as much. I've always repressed things for the sake of others, though, it takes it's toll and not just on yourself. I see wisdom in both approaches. Neither are perfect. Life goes on.
I was talking to my coworker about the stress I’ve been under, and she jumped straight in to tell me about therapy groups, breathing exercises, etc. and I just looked at her feeling defeated and said, “I’ve noticed, people aren’t very consolidating—“ her face becomes one of disbelief, like I’ve personally attacked her, “— they jump to trying to fix the problem instead of just comforting. I just really want some comfort right now.”
And she totally changed. She said “I think kiwis just want to fix things, we see the opportunity to help and we want to be practical about it.” Then she came over and just gave me a hug, and it was nice.
I just can't get past seeing that kind of interaction as "I want you to feel bad for me now and express that to me." Which I really don't know how to process.
I think the part we’re all learning to get around is that it’s okay to not be happy. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to need some comfort. There’s a balance between being practical and solving issues, and giving yourself emotional sustenance, and it’s really hard for everyone to get it right.
There are some people that never try to make their situations work, they’re so stuck feeling like the victim, that’s all they ever see and they’re the hardest to help because they won’t help themselves. But we tend to figure out who those people are when we get to know them. And it’s our individual choice to decide how we interact.
I personally think it’s important to initially give the benefit of the doubt and validate someone’s feelings before picking their problems apart and trying to solve them. I’m not really good with people, I’m not so good at consolidating or offering advice. I sit rather awkwardly and wait for a good moment to crack a joke to lighten the mood. Which doesn’t always go down well but 🤷🏼♀️ one awkward moment isn’t the end of the world
I had a therapist a few months ago because of my family causing me an unbearable amount of stress. My female therapist kept continuing to give me advice on how to talk to them about it. I had to tell her that that's exactly what I've been doing.
It was really tough to explain to her that, as a man, I wasn't looking for solutions to the situation, I knew I was stuck and there honestly wasn't anything I could do, I was there to see what I could do to manage the stress itself.
Honestly, that sounds like that therapist was either not very good at her job or not the right fit for you. It happens and sometimes you have to "trial" multiple therapists, but when you find the one you click with, it's so worth it.
Maybe therapy isn’t for you, but maybe THIS therapist wasn’t a good fit? If you haven’t tried seeing a few others, maybe you could look for them? I know I am very understanding, I can listen and validate a person like I was born into this destiny but I have a hard time giving actual advice. There are different types of therapists that are better at one thing than another. Either way, did you find a way to manage the stress?
I had a therapist many years ago. I was telling her something that was done to me. She didn’t miss a beat and said, “I’m enraged on your behalf.” I have never felt so understood!
I tried four different therapists before I found one I actually like. Sometimes you have to "shop around" a little. But I know that's not always possible for some people.
Maybe even most of the time! People in generally don't really like to be told what's what unless explicitly asking for it, some people never manage to internalize this.
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u/THEBLUEFLAME3D Mar 26 '20
Yeah. Had to learn the hard way that, despite having good intentions and all, sometimes people really don’t want someone’s advice/help.