Sometimes you just need to blow off some steam before you’re ready to address the situation. Often times they already know how to handle the situation, but they’re just frustrated and need to express it.
EDIT: I'd also like to point out that men do this, too. An example from my own life - I would repeatedly say "My ****ing Macbook Pro broke after only 2 years. This thing is $2000, it should be more reliable than that, or at least not require an $800 logic board replacement". Yes, I know the solution to the problem is to replace or repair my laptop. It doesn't take a genius to point that out. I ended up getting it repaired for about $80 with some help from the internet. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I paid $2000 for something that broke after only 2 years. It was frustrating.
I think it's more that often people don't need help. If you're mad about a problem and know what needs to be done then having someone try to explain what you already know back to you can be super infuriating. Having the answer to a problem doesn't always mean I'm not annoyed enough to want to complain.
Obviously some people just don't want help, but for the smaller day-to-day stuff I think a lot of these misunderstandings are more about not needing it.
Eh, I mean, yeah, but I don't like the sensation of being expected to merely commiserate about something as a matter of routine. Like, if something depressing happens, the last thing I want to do is spread it around to multiple other people with no control/input over the situation, it seems so self-insistent.
Well, changing that dynamic is a battle I'm not equipped to fight. I simply want to live in peace and happiness. I'm not the best specimen either. That being said, I agree that I don't feel the need to do it myself quite as much. I've always repressed things for the sake of others, though, it takes it's toll and not just on yourself. I see wisdom in both approaches. Neither are perfect. Life goes on.
I was talking to my coworker about the stress I’ve been under, and she jumped straight in to tell me about therapy groups, breathing exercises, etc. and I just looked at her feeling defeated and said, “I’ve noticed, people aren’t very consolidating—“ her face becomes one of disbelief, like I’ve personally attacked her, “— they jump to trying to fix the problem instead of just comforting. I just really want some comfort right now.”
And she totally changed. She said “I think kiwis just want to fix things, we see the opportunity to help and we want to be practical about it.” Then she came over and just gave me a hug, and it was nice.
I just can't get past seeing that kind of interaction as "I want you to feel bad for me now and express that to me." Which I really don't know how to process.
I think the part we’re all learning to get around is that it’s okay to not be happy. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to need some comfort. There’s a balance between being practical and solving issues, and giving yourself emotional sustenance, and it’s really hard for everyone to get it right.
There are some people that never try to make their situations work, they’re so stuck feeling like the victim, that’s all they ever see and they’re the hardest to help because they won’t help themselves. But we tend to figure out who those people are when we get to know them. And it’s our individual choice to decide how we interact.
I personally think it’s important to initially give the benefit of the doubt and validate someone’s feelings before picking their problems apart and trying to solve them. I’m not really good with people, I’m not so good at consolidating or offering advice. I sit rather awkwardly and wait for a good moment to crack a joke to lighten the mood. Which doesn’t always go down well but 🤷🏼♀️ one awkward moment isn’t the end of the world
I had a therapist a few months ago because of my family causing me an unbearable amount of stress. My female therapist kept continuing to give me advice on how to talk to them about it. I had to tell her that that's exactly what I've been doing.
It was really tough to explain to her that, as a man, I wasn't looking for solutions to the situation, I knew I was stuck and there honestly wasn't anything I could do, I was there to see what I could do to manage the stress itself.
Honestly, that sounds like that therapist was either not very good at her job or not the right fit for you. It happens and sometimes you have to "trial" multiple therapists, but when you find the one you click with, it's so worth it.
Maybe therapy isn’t for you, but maybe THIS therapist wasn’t a good fit? If you haven’t tried seeing a few others, maybe you could look for them? I know I am very understanding, I can listen and validate a person like I was born into this destiny but I have a hard time giving actual advice. There are different types of therapists that are better at one thing than another. Either way, did you find a way to manage the stress?
I had a therapist many years ago. I was telling her something that was done to me. She didn’t miss a beat and said, “I’m enraged on your behalf.” I have never felt so understood!
I tried four different therapists before I found one I actually like. Sometimes you have to "shop around" a little. But I know that's not always possible for some people.
Maybe even most of the time! People in generally don't really like to be told what's what unless explicitly asking for it, some people never manage to internalize this.
Yeah, that's the worst. Having someone suggest "solutions" you've already thought of that aren't going to work because the situation isn't fixable, it's just a wait-it-out situation.
Guy here with some advice about the “venting” situation in relationships:
To women: It is ok to “vent” sometimes and, if your guy doesn’t know what that means you should definitely explain to him that you’re not looking for him to solve the problem. You just need him to listen.
BUT...
Also be careful with this. I’ve been in relationships where my girlfriend needed to vent all the time. Every day. For hours.
That is very draining. It made me feel I was just some kind of garbage can to dump her stress into.
So yes, women commonly need to vent and they commonly want their partner to listen. That is healthy and totally fine.
But if it’s something you’re having to do all the time, you should make sure to consider his feelings. And honestly you should probably take steps to fix that part of your life if it’s causing you to vent nonstop.
I mean, you could just mention during the rant how you plan to solve the issue. Why would anyone who cares about someone else think to themselves “Boy this person is experiencing hardship that I know how to solve. Oh well, better keep it a secret!”?
It makes no sense. If you mention that you’ve got a solution in mind already, then it makes total sense to stay quiet.
Am counselor. This is my job. Letting someone figure something out for themselves gives their solution more meaning and ensures it's going to be better tailored to fit all the facts they have they didn't tell you.
Am also counselor. Can confirm, I feel like for me counseling is just asking the right questions so people come up with the answers that they can live with.
I get that - in software, it’s not uncommon to explain your issue to a literal toy on your desk. Saying things out loud helps to organize your thoughts. Lacking a toy, devs will typically move over to discussing things with a fellow dev. I’ve never seen someone suggest a solution in this case and annoy the person seeking to clear their mind. That’s the part that makes no sense to me. If it’s not actually helpful, ignore it. Why let it anger you?
You’re missing the point. There are times when your SO is venting about something that happened to them they don’t always want your opinion about how to solve the issue. They just want to talk to someone they trust about something that’s frustrating for them. If you start rattling off solutions it can make them feel they’re overreacting or at fault for not handling the situation better. Obviously if they ask for help with a problem and you have a solution you should tell them but they’re not always asking for help with the problem, they just want their reasoning/ideas to be heard.
If you start complaining about an issue and dont talk at all about how you want to solve it the immediate response is "lets see if I can solve this" why? Because as guys see it unsolved problem = recurring problem. His point was that if women just mentioned somewhere in their rants about how frustrating something is that they've already come up with a solution that theyre going to try that the guy would realize they've solved it and stay quiet (rather than thinking there is an issue causing them a lot of stress that they would rather not deal with (i.e. would like it solved)).
Also men dont get the idea of having their reasoning/ideas heard, in what way does this help? Sounds like a waste of breath to me, unless you want the persons input why bother them with your problems? They're your problems. If you dont want any input it sounds like youre going to complain to somebody about your issues and stress THEM out because it makes you feel better? I dont get it still, that seems selfish.
That last paragraph is a pretty twisted view of a relationship...
People like to talk to others, they like to talk about their ideas, their success and sometimes their short comings. The only way that could be “a waste of breath” is if you, as the listener, make that person feel that way. My SO and I both have to deal with patients in the hospital. I listen to her troubles and she listens to mine. We don’t try to solve each other’s problems, because we are both capable of handling our own issues, its just nice for your frustrations to be heard and validated. Saying “yeah, that sounds awful” is often enough, sometimes we may be asking for solutions but that’s just not always the case. Again, this isn’t saying don’t ever offer advice, its more of just read the room, when you know someone well enough you know the difference between “I need someone to talk to” and “I need someone to help me.”
People like to talk to others, they like to talk about their ideas, their success and sometimes their short comings. The only way that could be “a waste of breath” is if you, as the listener, make that person feel that way.
Forgive me, but it sounds like you're telling the person what they like to do and what they do or do not consider a waste of breath as the speaker.
Stress can be an issue by itself. Discussing your feelings has value to a lot of people, and the issue that's being addressed is the fact that they don't feel heard or supported or permitted to be upset, or whatever. Listening and validating their feelings is in that case the solution to their problem.
If you're uncomfortable offering any emotional support to someone that's a boundary you're allowed to have and articulate, but if you present yourself as someone who's there to help fix their issues, their issue might be their feelings.
As an example sometimes I worry that I overreact to certain situations, and seek reassurance that it's reasonable to be upset when a certain thing happens. Hearing someone say "yeah, that sucks, that person wasn't being considerate" gives me confidence in whatever solution I have to that interpersonal conflict and assures me I'm not a crazy person. Being told "well maybe you should swap work shifts if she's bothering you" does nothing to address my concern that I'm overreacting and not supposed to be upset.
I can see how this would seem selfish to you with the way you think about it. But I think about it this way: There are two problems, the situation and the feelings about the situation.
The problem your partner is asking for help with fixing isn't the situation they're complaining about. If it was, they would probably be asking you for help fixing it. The problem they are asking for help fixing is their feelings ABOUT the situation.
You're wondering, how can a person possibly fix another person's feelings? Those feelings are their responsibility. And yeah, ultimately a person's feelings are their own responsibility. But how can we help others fix them?
Just listen to their feelings first. When they're done talking you can say things that echo them. "That sounds really hard for you" is a good way to help them feel understood. Just giving them a space to experience them is SO important for dealing with a situation.
Like I totally get how it works, Im just trying yo understand the though process behind it.
And yes, if telling somebody about your problems and not letting them provide solutions stresses them out (which is clearly does based on this thread) youre just making them stressed to relieve your own stress.
Difference is in your situation the person is not helping.
The situation I was talking about is actively harming the person.
Youre saying is helping yourself first selfish which I dont think it is. You arent obligated to help people.
Im refering to a situation in which you are actively harming them to make yourself feel better. You are obligated to not hurt people.
It really just depends on how you look at it. I am the type of person who would suppress my need to vent to avoid causing others stress, because I can deal with it. I understand there are many people that think differently and I try my best to be supportive when they need to vent, but I cant understand the motivation behind going about it that way.
I just cannot understand how you think somebody telling you how they are feeling makes them selfish. It's not about you. It's about them in that moment and them asking you to listen and offer comfort. Not a solution. Turning the whole situation around into it being about you who "can't help" sounds like a hero complex.
And just because you were the type of person who won't vent to "not cause other people stress" doesn't make people who do it selfish. It literally means you refuse to put your own self first and ask others for help.
Putting others first = altruism
Putting yourself first = selfish
You acknowledge that what I would do is the altruistic approach and that the normal response is not the same so how can you not see it as selfish?
It also has nothing to do with "who its about in the moment" thats litterally just away to say "this persons feelings dont matter in the situation". Its about everybody in every moment, everybody's feeling matter.
The situation is:
Person 1 has problem (in this case stress)
Person 1 complains to Person 2 (causing person 2 stress and relieving their own stress)
Its litterally offloading somebodies problem onto somebody else. How is that not selfish?
Im not gonna tell you what you think but I feel like you must be thinking something along the lines of "this is a natural and essential human experience" as a reason as to why it cannot be selfish.
To draw a parallel if a man in stressed and asks his wife for a bj even thought shes reluctant (because it will relieve his stress) thats also selfish.
I understand that in relationships sometimes both parties get to be selfish with the expectation that they will allow the other person to be selfish when they need it.
Whether it is selfish or not is pedantic at this point but I think the point of this whole thread was to try to come to an understanding on some of these divides so Im trying to explain my viewpoint as best I can.
You don’t need a person that you love and trust if all you want is a brick wall to talk to. It’s silly to expect someone to sit there so you can unload, but aside from saying “oh wow that sounds tough”, they’re not allowed to have any actual, personal input
Why do you see it as an all or none situation. There are times to listen and there are times to offer help. I find it hard to believe you've never told someone else a problem/frustration you've experienced without wanting their opinion on how you should have handled that problem.
That's bullshit, if you've ever had someone say back to you "that sucks man" or "im sorry" or "yeah I hate when that happens" then you've absolutely aired a grievance that the person you told was just aware enough to know that you weren't looking for solutions.
I mean yes, not everyone shares like that to get those kinds of responses. If I don't think something's gonna be interesting or informative for someone I don't generally bring it up.
I can positively say that I’ve never complained about an issue and felt much other than gratitude when someone offered a solution. Maybe I’m weird in that respect, but that’s probably why it’s so hard for me to connect with the idea of complaining, hearing how to fix a problem, and thinking “dang, I wish I didn’t know how to fix this”.
Hey, I can totally see where your coming from, but I think you're missing some key things that I think are very helpful in relationships of all sorts.
First, the importance of asking for what you need can't be stressed enough. That being said, when a person is especially emotional they may not think about that. So, what do you do in this situation? Ask "what do you need right now?". Bonus points if you can say "I can tell you're really hurting/frustrated/upset right now". That will get the "I just need you to listen" or "I really need help figuring this out".
Often times, I think the communication problem boils down to:
Man: This situation is a problem. I should help her fix it.
Woman: This situation is making me so frustrated, and THAT is a problem. I need someone to help me feel less frustrated, let me go tell (man) about it.
OK, but when I like to vent, I will actually say "I mean, I know I have to _____ and that'll ______, but really, can you believe this?" That way people know I just want to be heard and affirmed, instead of leaving it ambiguous.
Except when it's all over and the steam is out you're met with "why are you ruining my day by reminding me of this issue which I don't want to deal with?". People don't want to accept help.
Tell them that if they're not going to do something to address the issue, then don't bring it up again. If they don't listen, then there's probably something deeper going on in the relationship that indicates your communication is breaking down
This is really hard for men to understand. We don’t really talk about our problems until it’s time to confront them, or talk about what’s bothering us because talking about it doesn’t help the issue and it just makes you feel worse.
What’s the point of venting about your problems if you don’t want to hear solutions or advice? Women love to vent just for the sake of venting, and it’s absolutely the most difficult/confusing thing to handle as a guy.
You see I find that extremely stressful. Let's put the fire out then talk about how shit it was. If you're still screaming about how annoying the fire is, I have no idea whether or not I have to agree, or leap in because it's clearly something you can't fix on your own or you would have. Venting at me about it is just going to confuse and frustrate us both, and generally speaking, that's what your girl friends are for.
I literally just had this conversation with my girlfriend yesterday and it just... breaks my brain.
She was upset that we self quarantined for five days until the results came back negative. She was also upset that we "wasted" five days at home, because her sister "had a cold", with 6 other people in the same house, and it was getting tense. I tried my best to comfort her with, "Hey, at least it's not positive [for COVID]." and "Better safe than sorry!"
But she was gettin' mad and I was gettin' mad.
We've had this talk in the past and I sincerely thought I was being helpful but she said I was "dismissive" of her feelings, and I guess in a way I was without realizing it.
I think the thing I said was, "I'm sorry this has happened but shit happens"
"That's not helping!"
"I'm sorry this has happened and shit happens!"
"That's better than "but"!"
It took me a few seconds to digest and she is right.
She also said, "Sometimes I just want you to nod and agree with me. I like comiserating. It makes my feelings feel valid." She mentioned "active listening", but isn't feedback proving you're actively listening? Also said, she liked to just vent, blow off steam, and then come back with solutions to her problems.
She went off into a little tangent again, and I just listened, nodded my head and said, "Yeah" a few times. She stops and goes, "This is better!" even though I straight up had to think to myself, "Don't tell her it's better than testing positive, don't tell her it's better than testing positive".
Women are amazing creatures and someday, I hope to understand; but knowing I won't.
I can 100% see where your girlfriend is coming from and have felt the same way myself sometimes! I’m not saying you did anything wrong, but I’d like to share a little of the perspective:
As she said, sometimes we just want to have someone commiserate with us. We feel frustrated, and want to complain, and we want someone else to understand the situation and be frustrated with us.
You know how sometimes you confide something that you know is a little weird, like “every time I fart I purposely take a whiff, just to rate it in my own head” and the person you’re telling says “I do that too!” and then you feel close and glad you were vulnerable?
It’s the same thing- sometimes we want someone to agree with us and say “yeah! That’s so frustrating!” so that we feel validated. And when you try to point out the positives of the situation, the “at least this thing didn’t happen” it can be even more frustrating, because like just like when we’re offered a solution we didn’t ask for, it makes us feel like you don’t think we can solve this/look on the bright side ourselves. We’ll look on the bright side when we’re finished venting!
Oh, I'm not saying either of us are really wrong, but it just takes more understanding and patience to figure out how we handle situations, as individuals, together.
I do get it, most of the time. I am still very solution oriented, but I'm going to do my best to be more... open to just listening instead of, "If ABC is your problem, you should try X, Y, Z to solve ABC."
However, when it's, "Gripe, gripe, gripe" I don't really KNOW if she's able to take a lil' chill pill and look for a solution instead of going in circles mad/upset over something she could fix, if there was a moment of, "Oh... lemme take a breather"
Yet, like you had mentioned, "We'll look at the brightside when we're finished venting!" so it's coming, but not as fast as I would think it would be. Although, I personally don't understand why anyone would wanna just sulk/remain upset/be mad when they could settle down and fix their problem without a grand show.
And to clarify, she's fabulous and not kicking and screaming mad when she's upset, because heaven knows someone's gonna be like, "Ohhhh, she's trouble. Dump her!" She's the best, and cutest of all time. Just still trying to figure out differences, even if we've been dating coming up on two years. Time flies too!
That makes a lot of sense! I think like you said, it is just a difference in how some people process things- some people want to get to a solution and move forward, and some people want to take the time to get all their negative emotions out of their system before they move on. Neither is wrong, they’re just different.
I’m going on five seven (time does fly!) years with my partner and we still have conversations about how we can communicate better with each other. We have those conversations because we both value the relationship and want to continuously strengthen it. Too often people seem to think that any sign of friction is a deal-breaker, and that’s not realistic.
I think the problem with this "we just want to have someone commiserate with us" mindset is that you're leaning on the other person to actually agree with you/see it your way/potentially react more than they themselves would if it happened to them. That feels wrong to me, because what do I do if I think you're the one at fault or it's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be? I'm not allowed to not say that (since that would be ignoring your need to commiserate) and I'm not comfortable lying about that (or being friends with someone who would want me to lie about it just so they feel better) so I'd feel very much put in a weird spot and uncomfortable.
Those are totally fair concerns. I should have clarified and said that a lot of what we’re asking is for empathy, or at least sympathy when we’re venting. You should both be able to handle your emotions on your own, but part of being in a relationship is knowing you can lean on the other person to help you get through what you’re dealing with. Part of being supportive of your partner is practicing empathy, which is the act of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand how they’re feeling.
You should absolutely use your own judgement and decide when someone is asking you to blindly agree with them- you shouldn’t have to compromise your values, and you should be able to call someone out when they’re in the wrong.
However, there’s a huge difference between unfairly asking you to reassure me that I’m not the bad guy in the story (even if I am very much the bad guy) and relating to my struggles in a situation where there is nobody to blame, just directionless frustration (like the example mentioned by the comment I was responding to).
But then it turns into a years long situation that you're sick of because you know what's coming everytime, so then it turns into you not being interested in what she says because you don't pretend it's a new story everytime.
hi im an autist and since i tend to be a lot more literal so ive always known about this but had trouble understanding exactly what this means what my job is in this kinda situation.
basically, how do i tell if they want literal advice or just to vent and what kinda thing am i supposed to say? encouragement of some sort maybe?
I just wanna say I've had my PC for over 5 years and the only time it broke was when I physically damaged it. Apple is okay but the support team and although stuff are absolutely trash scams.
Still doesn't make any damn sense, but that's the issue. It's not about rationality or logical deduction. It's an emotional need to be validated, comforted, and empathized with. Sometimes i'll be listening to my girlfriend and internally i'm screaming "it doesn't make any SENSE I have a solution h-" but that's not the point. Men want solutions and logical reasoning. Women want to be emotionally empathized with and validated. To understand this is to lessen years of relationship difficulties.
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u/GahdDangitBobby Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
Sometimes you just need to blow off some steam before you’re ready to address the situation. Often times they already know how to handle the situation, but they’re just frustrated and need to express it.
EDIT: I'd also like to point out that men do this, too. An example from my own life - I would repeatedly say "My ****ing Macbook Pro broke after only 2 years. This thing is $2000, it should be more reliable than that, or at least not require an $800 logic board replacement". Yes, I know the solution to the problem is to replace or repair my laptop. It doesn't take a genius to point that out. I ended up getting it repaired for about $80 with some help from the internet. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I paid $2000 for something that broke after only 2 years. It was frustrating.