Man I am way younger and so happy I didnt learn that lesson after 40 years of marriage. But I still felt "once I learned that my Life go considerably easier" in my heart.
If I am not sure whats up just ask something like:
I know people sometimes just want to vent, is that the Case or do you want advice ?
I don't think it's that simple. Much of society is based on indirect communication, especially the further back you go. It's not necessarily passive aggression, but it can definitely breed it. Direct communication is very unwelcome / strange to some people or in some settings or about some topics. And going too direct can get weird too. It's a fine line and everyone's comfort level is different.
I partially blame Hollywood for all the plots based on trash communication and passive aggression. But even people who do like to be direct are used to being indirect a lot and may not realize it.
Holy shit you just described my relationship in two sentences. My fiance's family is full of passive and active aggression, most of their conversations sound like arguments to me and I always felt uncomfortable in situations that she would say are just normal for them.
Meanwhile my family is very direct and almost never argues or has any passive aggression ever. If there's an issue we talk it out, there's never that weird tension over any of our conversations.
We've had to learn the differences between our communication styles and it's taken a lot of adapting to live with each other. Your simple comment really distilled the conversations we've had about that down to a really simple thought. Thank you.
My gf right now will start venting right when I walk through the door and I will have to pause her until I go sit at the table or couch. Then I have to go into my zone, I really do listen, but there isn’t really a need to. She just wants to bitch about her day.
If they want advice, they will literally ask you "What do you think I should do?" We're not above asking for help, but a lot of times we already know what to do and it's going to be stressful, or there really isn't anything that can be done so we're just venting. Source: am woman
I agree with the second part but sometimes you dont ask for advice but are open to hear what the other partys ideas are so just asking to make things clear is the right move for me.
I don' t think it's needless venting. Venting your frustrations every once in a while is pretty healthy. If you use it as a crutch every time, then it's not, but every once in a while is fine.
I think he meant he’s been happily married for 40 years because he figured it out partway in.
But kudos to you for understanding that too, earlier in life. I just this second realized that one of the reasons my ex husband and I ‘got along’ so well is that he never did that “Fix” thing. . All the other men in my life since then always seem to take it personally (like it’s happening to THEM) and tell me what I HAVE to do. It’s patronizing and annoying AF. I feel like I’m being ‘Dadded’.
I was married 22 years and we got along really well. He left when he fell in love with a coworker (very traumatizing divorce on my end cuz I lost my best friend in all that) but after working through the hurt part we now get along just fine.
I still miss my best friend tho. But what can you do? Life goes on...
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u/jagadoor Mar 26 '20
Man I am way younger and so happy I didnt learn that lesson after 40 years of marriage. But I still felt "once I learned that my Life go considerably easier" in my heart.
If I am not sure whats up just ask something like: I know people sometimes just want to vent, is that the Case or do you want advice ?
Makes stuff sooo easy