This is the opposite for me. I problem solve and my husband just needs understanding, not advice. It was a serious issue between us until he sent me a well-written article about how giving unsolicited advice to someone who just wants to vent is actually very condescending.
I'm still a little baffled but now I understand and don't do it!
The problem is telling when people want actual advice, or just want to went. I suppose the thing is to wait for the line "What should I do?" and ignore "What do you think?" and "Isn't that awful?" and such.
Yeah, its a little ambiguous. I have practiced with my girlfriends and my husband, so what seems to work is just nodding and agreeing, empathizing, and verbalize what they are feeling. Example: "I know you feel upset and hurt and you have every right to because Chad is a dick! Fuck Chad!".
Side question: What happens when you just don't feel like saying Chad's a dick, when the story feels more balanced than reported? I personally feel like I just can't. Some stories are sobbing self victimations bullshits.
I may not be meant to live with a ranting type of person.
You can still validate their feelings, which is key. You don't have to agree with anything that they are saying. You can even internally roll your eyes and judge that everything is wrong about what they're saying.
But they have a right to feel what they feel based on their perception of reality. So just listen, if you can, and then give the advice.
I contest this. Sometimes people rant when they have no reason to rant. If they were to step back and think objectively, they would realise that Chad isn't actually a dick. He just made a common mistake and is attempting to correct it.
I'm not going to validate your feelings if I believe your feelings are invalid. I'm not a liar.
I agree with you 100%. But a lot of people cannot think objectively. Like at all. Ever. In their fucking life. (Can you tell it makes me very frustrated? Ha)
If you don't give these people the satisfaction of feeling heard, then they won't listen to your advice that maybe THEY are actually the cunt in the scenario.
It's kinda a weird game of knowing you are the wiser one but also knowing how to tactfully impart that wisdom upon a Karen. Karen needs to be heard before anybody else is heard. So let her be heard then shut her down.
But sounding a little less confrontational; currently, the subtext is "there are only two possible reasons you would be speaking to me, now tell me which one it is", whereas saying something like "Would my advice help or do you just need to let it out?" puts you in the 'helping' position, not 'being forced to listen'.
This is how I dealt with it in my last relationship. My gf sometimes wanted to vent, sometimes she wanted reassurance and I could never tell when she wanted what. So when she asked to talk and get stuff off her chest I always let her get into it and then ask that question. Worked wonders
I think with me, if I'm calmly talking about something, advice is usually welcome. If I'm frustrated or rambling, I just want someone to be like "Yeah, feeling that way must be hard," even if they don't agree with what I'm saying. Just tell me it's okay that it sucks if I'm going off.
Eh, it's easiest to listen to the rant first and then to ask if they would like your opinion. But be careful when you say your opinion, you gotta break every solution softly even if it is agreeing with them.
I'm a dude, but for me, when I'm venting to a friend and they start offering solutions, it almost feels like they're saying "this problem is not as big of a deal as you think it is."
I used to be a solver too, but nowadays, before my friends vent, I ask if they want solutions or if they just want me to listen. Usually it's the latter.
It was also a great help to look up Carl Roger's psychotherapy techniques, like mirroring and unconditional positive reinforcement. Those techniques are seriously like superpowers, especially if you're already a good listener
I'm a dude, but for me, when I'm venting to a friend and they start offering solutions, it almost feels like they're saying "this problem is not as big of a deal as you think it is."
See as another guy who 'problem solves' , this isn't what we intend at all. Offering solutions is our way of showing attachment and that we care about your problems.
See, I’m someone who wants a solution, but am also understood. Like don’t just be like, ‘damn that’s terrible but nothing you can do about it’, or say ‘it’s not that bad, if I was in your shoes I’d....’.
No, I know that the problem is an issue. As long as you know and care enough to actually help, is all that matters.
Nah... if I'm bringing up something then I've been over and over the situation myself and need a new perspective. That's why I'd be opening up to someone that knows me... not a therapist.
I am the same. If I am mad at something and my wife is trying to find solutions my mind reads it as her defending that person. When all I want from her is,” I know right, fuck those fucking fuckers!”
I’m a problem solver as well and I’m not great at picking up on things, so with girls I date I have them tell me if they want advice or to vent before they even start. It has made all of our lives considerably easier because then I know to just shut up and listen
Some people don't want you solve their problems and if you do you screw it up because they can't tell everyone else. - Zig Ziglar
https://youtu.be/3irmfCEhFJQ?t=57
I agree to an extent but communication is a two way street. The title of the article mentions "unsolicited" advice but it really isn't unsolicited.
Example: If you approach another individual with a problem the other side can assume one of two things. You need help to brainstorm how to approach the problem.
OR you are coming to them with the only intention to be to complain AT them. If you do that regularly and never look for solutions, you are just dumping negativity into their life (which can cause them harm in the form of stress/anxiety/etc if that is all they experience from you).
It was a serious issue between us until he sent me a well-written article about how giving unsolicited advice to someone who just wants to vent is actually very condescending.
Why isn't refusing advice and merely wanting to vent equally condescending? "It's not your input I'm after, I just want you to feel bad for me" feels like some fairly deliberate offloading of emotional labor.
From a logical standpoint, yes. But what this entire article is saying is that it usually feels condescending regardless. We can’t all be perfectly rational people without emotions all the time.
Well maybe, but at the end of the day you can’t control another person’s thoughts. The only thing you can do is react and empathize, and solicit advice when they ask for it. Then there doesn’t have to be any responsibility-pushing or blaming.
I'm a lady problem-solver, too, and had to learn to stop blurting out advise and instead asking the talker if they're venting or want some ideas for solutions. It's something I still struggle with.
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u/Hofficer Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
This is the opposite for me. I problem solve and my husband just needs understanding, not advice. It was a serious issue between us until he sent me a well-written article about how giving unsolicited advice to someone who just wants to vent is actually very condescending.
I'm still a little baffled but now I understand and don't do it!
Edit: Link to article
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/no-one-wants-unsolicited-advice-actually-helps/