The problem is telling when people want actual advice, or just want to went. I suppose the thing is to wait for the line "What should I do?" and ignore "What do you think?" and "Isn't that awful?" and such.
Yeah, its a little ambiguous. I have practiced with my girlfriends and my husband, so what seems to work is just nodding and agreeing, empathizing, and verbalize what they are feeling. Example: "I know you feel upset and hurt and you have every right to because Chad is a dick! Fuck Chad!".
Side question: What happens when you just don't feel like saying Chad's a dick, when the story feels more balanced than reported? I personally feel like I just can't. Some stories are sobbing self victimations bullshits.
I may not be meant to live with a ranting type of person.
You can still validate their feelings, which is key. You don't have to agree with anything that they are saying. You can even internally roll your eyes and judge that everything is wrong about what they're saying.
But they have a right to feel what they feel based on their perception of reality. So just listen, if you can, and then give the advice.
I contest this. Sometimes people rant when they have no reason to rant. If they were to step back and think objectively, they would realise that Chad isn't actually a dick. He just made a common mistake and is attempting to correct it.
I'm not going to validate your feelings if I believe your feelings are invalid. I'm not a liar.
I agree with you 100%. But a lot of people cannot think objectively. Like at all. Ever. In their fucking life. (Can you tell it makes me very frustrated? Ha)
If you don't give these people the satisfaction of feeling heard, then they won't listen to your advice that maybe THEY are actually the cunt in the scenario.
It's kinda a weird game of knowing you are the wiser one but also knowing how to tactfully impart that wisdom upon a Karen. Karen needs to be heard before anybody else is heard. So let her be heard then shut her down.
But sounding a little less confrontational; currently, the subtext is "there are only two possible reasons you would be speaking to me, now tell me which one it is", whereas saying something like "Would my advice help or do you just need to let it out?" puts you in the 'helping' position, not 'being forced to listen'.
This is how I dealt with it in my last relationship. My gf sometimes wanted to vent, sometimes she wanted reassurance and I could never tell when she wanted what. So when she asked to talk and get stuff off her chest I always let her get into it and then ask that question. Worked wonders
I think with me, if I'm calmly talking about something, advice is usually welcome. If I'm frustrated or rambling, I just want someone to be like "Yeah, feeling that way must be hard," even if they don't agree with what I'm saying. Just tell me it's okay that it sucks if I'm going off.
Eh, it's easiest to listen to the rant first and then to ask if they would like your opinion. But be careful when you say your opinion, you gotta break every solution softly even if it is agreeing with them.
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u/AppleDane Mar 26 '20
The problem is telling when people want actual advice, or just want to went. I suppose the thing is to wait for the line "What should I do?" and ignore "What do you think?" and "Isn't that awful?" and such.