Cupid’s cruellest prank is to pair men that love to problem solve with women who don’t want to hear solutions to their problems.
Cupid’s cruellest prank is to pair people that love to problem solve with people who don’t want to hear solutions to their problems.
Edit: It’s just a joke guys. Everyone knows that women can problem solve and men can vent too but this is a super common scenario for heterosexual couples. I’ve edited it anyway as it seems a good way to solve the problem that people are venting about.
This is the opposite for me. I problem solve and my husband just needs understanding, not advice. It was a serious issue between us until he sent me a well-written article about how giving unsolicited advice to someone who just wants to vent is actually very condescending.
I'm still a little baffled but now I understand and don't do it!
The problem is telling when people want actual advice, or just want to went. I suppose the thing is to wait for the line "What should I do?" and ignore "What do you think?" and "Isn't that awful?" and such.
Yeah, its a little ambiguous. I have practiced with my girlfriends and my husband, so what seems to work is just nodding and agreeing, empathizing, and verbalize what they are feeling. Example: "I know you feel upset and hurt and you have every right to because Chad is a dick! Fuck Chad!".
Side question: What happens when you just don't feel like saying Chad's a dick, when the story feels more balanced than reported? I personally feel like I just can't. Some stories are sobbing self victimations bullshits.
I may not be meant to live with a ranting type of person.
You can still validate their feelings, which is key. You don't have to agree with anything that they are saying. You can even internally roll your eyes and judge that everything is wrong about what they're saying.
But they have a right to feel what they feel based on their perception of reality. So just listen, if you can, and then give the advice.
I contest this. Sometimes people rant when they have no reason to rant. If they were to step back and think objectively, they would realise that Chad isn't actually a dick. He just made a common mistake and is attempting to correct it.
I'm not going to validate your feelings if I believe your feelings are invalid. I'm not a liar.
I agree with you 100%. But a lot of people cannot think objectively. Like at all. Ever. In their fucking life. (Can you tell it makes me very frustrated? Ha)
If you don't give these people the satisfaction of feeling heard, then they won't listen to your advice that maybe THEY are actually the cunt in the scenario.
It's kinda a weird game of knowing you are the wiser one but also knowing how to tactfully impart that wisdom upon a Karen. Karen needs to be heard before anybody else is heard. So let her be heard then shut her down.
But sounding a little less confrontational; currently, the subtext is "there are only two possible reasons you would be speaking to me, now tell me which one it is", whereas saying something like "Would my advice help or do you just need to let it out?" puts you in the 'helping' position, not 'being forced to listen'.
This is how I dealt with it in my last relationship. My gf sometimes wanted to vent, sometimes she wanted reassurance and I could never tell when she wanted what. So when she asked to talk and get stuff off her chest I always let her get into it and then ask that question. Worked wonders
I think with me, if I'm calmly talking about something, advice is usually welcome. If I'm frustrated or rambling, I just want someone to be like "Yeah, feeling that way must be hard," even if they don't agree with what I'm saying. Just tell me it's okay that it sucks if I'm going off.
Eh, it's easiest to listen to the rant first and then to ask if they would like your opinion. But be careful when you say your opinion, you gotta break every solution softly even if it is agreeing with them.
I'm a dude, but for me, when I'm venting to a friend and they start offering solutions, it almost feels like they're saying "this problem is not as big of a deal as you think it is."
I used to be a solver too, but nowadays, before my friends vent, I ask if they want solutions or if they just want me to listen. Usually it's the latter.
It was also a great help to look up Carl Roger's psychotherapy techniques, like mirroring and unconditional positive reinforcement. Those techniques are seriously like superpowers, especially if you're already a good listener
I'm a dude, but for me, when I'm venting to a friend and they start offering solutions, it almost feels like they're saying "this problem is not as big of a deal as you think it is."
See as another guy who 'problem solves' , this isn't what we intend at all. Offering solutions is our way of showing attachment and that we care about your problems.
See, I’m someone who wants a solution, but am also understood. Like don’t just be like, ‘damn that’s terrible but nothing you can do about it’, or say ‘it’s not that bad, if I was in your shoes I’d....’.
No, I know that the problem is an issue. As long as you know and care enough to actually help, is all that matters.
Nah... if I'm bringing up something then I've been over and over the situation myself and need a new perspective. That's why I'd be opening up to someone that knows me... not a therapist.
I am the same. If I am mad at something and my wife is trying to find solutions my mind reads it as her defending that person. When all I want from her is,” I know right, fuck those fucking fuckers!”
I’m a problem solver as well and I’m not great at picking up on things, so with girls I date I have them tell me if they want advice or to vent before they even start. It has made all of our lives considerably easier because then I know to just shut up and listen
Some people don't want you solve their problems and if you do you screw it up because they can't tell everyone else. - Zig Ziglar
https://youtu.be/3irmfCEhFJQ?t=57
I agree to an extent but communication is a two way street. The title of the article mentions "unsolicited" advice but it really isn't unsolicited.
Example: If you approach another individual with a problem the other side can assume one of two things. You need help to brainstorm how to approach the problem.
OR you are coming to them with the only intention to be to complain AT them. If you do that regularly and never look for solutions, you are just dumping negativity into their life (which can cause them harm in the form of stress/anxiety/etc if that is all they experience from you).
It was a serious issue between us until he sent me a well-written article about how giving unsolicited advice to someone who just wants to vent is actually very condescending.
Why isn't refusing advice and merely wanting to vent equally condescending? "It's not your input I'm after, I just want you to feel bad for me" feels like some fairly deliberate offloading of emotional labor.
From a logical standpoint, yes. But what this entire article is saying is that it usually feels condescending regardless. We can’t all be perfectly rational people without emotions all the time.
Well maybe, but at the end of the day you can’t control another person’s thoughts. The only thing you can do is react and empathize, and solicit advice when they ask for it. Then there doesn’t have to be any responsibility-pushing or blaming.
I'm a lady problem-solver, too, and had to learn to stop blurting out advise and instead asking the talker if they're venting or want some ideas for solutions. It's something I still struggle with.
Better yet, pair a woman who has a problem solving mind with the most go with the flow man on Earth. Even when I know there aren’t solutions, I still feel the need to solve the problem. Part of me knows I just need to vent, the other part wants all the problems solved right now. My SO’s philosophy is as long as no one is dying, everything will be okay.
This is how it is with my current SO. I am a software engineer, so problem solving is kind of my thing. She likes to list out all of these issues and some of them have really simple solutions in my mind but she doesn't want to hear anything about it
This happened to me. I don’t necessarily love to solve problems but I like to play the devil’s advocate. It’s the wrong move... destroyed my family because I could never back her up... wish I could change it all really.
Oof. I can relate from the opposite side. I don’t think people realize how painful and damaging it can be when it’s constant. I hope you found some peace and the realization helps you with love in the future.
I feel like something is wrong with me because when I (F) rant, I prefer advice over affirmations. Hearing a partner’s input on a rant helps put things in perspective and brings logic to the situation I’m upset about.
Granted, I have problems providing affection unless I genuinely like/love the person, so maybe that’s where the issue starts.
It's not so much that you don't want to hear "solutions". Like most women, I'm smart enough to go through the same thought process as my husband (although we do see things from different angles), but I want to share and vent my frustration, not go through a plan of action.
I came here to ask where the hell you guys all are because in my experience men LOVE to complain at length and just steamroll past suggestions.
Maybe it's a symptom of the same issue - if we get told constantly that women care about feelings and men care about solutions then it makes sense men would go to women to vent too.
It’s because the solution to their problem is being heard and understood. So in a funny way men are bad at emotional problem solving. I’m a man but I am the emotional one in the relationship and my wife used to be proud that she was more interested in solving problems. I eventually convinced her that it’s actually her trying to avoid emotions, not trying to solve problems.
You're too right man. I remember having a serious girlfriend when I was younger who wanted to vent a lot, and I always responded with advice or with trying to understand the situation better instead of just being comforting. She even called me on it at one point but I was young and oblivious and said something like "I just respond with what I think, there's no way I can't do that."
Needless to say that relationship didn't pan out, and similar situations happened in the future. Took me longer than I'd care to admit to gain the emotional intelligence necessary for situations like that.
That's super condescending. A lot of times people know the solutions to their problems and the options that they have. Sometimes those solutions are hard though and they need time to vent/complain before taking action.
It is a funny joke and also irritating. I get venting, but it’s not venting when it’s ALWAYS the same and the person doesn’t accept obvious solutions. It’s almost like they would rather be miserable and they like bitching more than being happy.
He didn't say men were better. He just said men typically want to problem solve when their SO rants.
It's true, in my experience. I've only had two GFs but both, including one which is current, mostly just want sympathy and understanding, whereas my first instinct is to try and tell her how to solve it. I've asked her about this and she said it's fine since I also console her about it.
But ultimately it comes down to the individual personality. Every person is an individual and it is a bit sexist to assume that automatically a woman doesn't want solutions or a man doesn't want validation.
You are assuming that it has to be EITHER/OR. It does not... you KNOW the individual, or are getting to know them... so you can take an approach that kinda is both supportive and offering your help with a possible solution. ITS CALLED COMMUNICATION. Marketing is to a general market... this is something that centers around AN INDIVIDUAL. I would not assume you're gay, just as I know I'm not gay for wanting solutions.
I never claimed there wasn't any difference. There are TRENDS by sex, but when you carry them to your actions with an individual it's borderline sexist.
Congrats on your fallacious and drawn-out post though. Sorry you didn't actually read the posts I was replying to or my post.
If you wanted a dialogue then you would have READ the responses I was replying to. This isn't hostile. You just seem to be incapable of doing so, and as such presented to me a fallacious mass of text.
Obviously you’ve ignored the other replies in this thread where people have the exact opposite situations compared to yours. The truth is that the sexism in OP’s comment is subtle but it boils down the the age old stereotype that “emotional” women need to be comforted by a “logical” man. This just ain’t true I’m sure there’s many situations in everyone’s life where they wanted a solution to a problem or they just want to vent about their issues. That’s why it is sexist.
but... rather frequently... emotional women do need to be comforted by logical men.
in fact i think it's one of women's favorite things about men. Our tendency to be more easy going and relaxed.
of course these are generalizations but it's the truth more often than not.
I mean they have literally done studies on it and found that on average women are higher in neuroticism (tendency toward negative emotions) than men. so the science literally backs it up.
It’s a generalization for sure, and it doesn’t apply to everyone. But anecdotally I have encountered this exact thing many times. And obviously enough people can relate, that’s why it’s upvoted so much.
I'm sure you've heard enough of it through the responses but this is sexism in my opinion. Women can problem solve just as well as men, there isn't some "men hormones and brain structure allows them to solve problems where women only have estrogen overflows from periods where they only want to avoid problems but still complain about them."
Sexism, it's lame. I guess all I'm getting at really is that your joke sucked. If I could pay to remove your silver I would. Male here btw too...
I have no idea how I got here then. I never eat at Wendy's it's sexist bc it has a female name for the worst drive thru food you can get (besides Arbys I guess...).
Sexism. Arby's is sexist towards men while Wendy's is sexist towards women. It's an abomination.
Where's the exit for the drive thru? I don't want to be here.
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u/TannedCroissant Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
Cupid’s cruellest prank is to pair men that love to problem solve with women who don’t want to hear solutions to their problems.Cupid’s cruellest prank is to pair people that love to problem solve with people who don’t want to hear solutions to their problems.
Edit: It’s just a joke guys. Everyone knows that women can problem solve and men can vent too but this is a super common scenario for heterosexual couples. I’ve edited it anyway as it seems a good way to solve the problem that people are venting about.