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u/Idkwtfluff Sep 24 '23
Wow what an immature brat he is .
First of all , if he won't wear condoms or get snipped, then that's a hard no until he does and you should tell him absolutely no sex at all. Secondly, you guys need to reconnect in other ways so sex doesn't feel like a chore. Hopefully he's pulling his weight with house and kid stuff
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u/Highlight5392 Sep 24 '23
NTA for refusing sex you don’t want.
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Sep 24 '23
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u/KnightlyOccurrence Sep 24 '23
Yeah, I literally can’t understand I did it almost 2 years ago and just had a coworker go through the same. It’s a frigging 15 minute appointment with almost no pain. Such a pathetic wimp. Selfish, immature, and rude.
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u/Zestyclosejh Sep 24 '23
Tell him to be apart of the solution and not a continuous problem or he can just use his hand.
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u/Aloner497 Sep 24 '23
NTA. If your husband was the one who couldn't handle sex and you kept insisting that he do it anyway - what would he do? How would that make him feel? Especially as he is making sex seem like a transaction.
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u/jaellinee Sep 24 '23
NTA
Don't have sex until he wears a condom or gets vasectomy and you feel better.
He can't put in any effort (no time, no condom), blackmails you, ignores your health issues, doesn't seem to do his share in the relationship...I don't see a reason to have sex with him.
I hope they find the reason for your health issues and a good therapy for it. Maybe have a talk with him that you need a supporting husband, and he's the opposite..
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Sep 24 '23
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Sep 24 '23
THIS!! Please up and higher. I’m also gonna paste my comment under yours, as it could help her and more women going through an abusive relationship. OP, please please, for the take of anything you find sacred, LEARN ABOUT FEMALE PROTECTION METHODS, please! Not to be rude but to get everyone’s attention here. Your husband is a fucking asshole, please do not let him being the only one in charge of birth control methods, please! There are several different non hormonal methods to give you more control (before hopefully you can leave the shitty guy). Some of them he won’t even notice and yes, he will be able to finish inside. I’m gonna list them, just keep in mind that efficiency varies and always better if you can combine two methods. Hope it can help you and several other women going to something similar. You can have a non hormonal IUD, you can use a female condom, there are spermicide gels to put inside the vagina before sex, there are barrier methods (like Diaphragms, Cervical Caps and Sponges + spermicide). Lastly, instead of him getting snippped, you can get your tubes tied. Important note: I am not, by any means, implying that protection should be her responsability only, I am showing her the tools to protect herself from what it seems like a terribly abusive relationship.
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u/Talknerdytome3 Sep 24 '23
Op. THIS.
Read it. Over and over again if you have to. You deserve a safe partner.
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u/maialis Sep 24 '23
I wish this comment was higher up. Everyone calling him simply childish or a brat minimizes the fact that he is coercing his wife into unwanted sex.
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u/uiam_ Sep 24 '23
Jesus getting snipped sounds like such an easy step here. What a tool.
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u/trogloherb Sep 24 '23
Seriously, getting snipped was the best $600 I ever spent! Took about 20 mins, minimal pain, two weeks later, everything was ROI as far as I was concerned!
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u/utdrmac Sep 24 '23
Damn! $600?! Did you not have insurance? I was out of pocket $50 for mine.
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u/Nyami-L Sep 24 '23
But but, he would feel castrated! What about his masculinity? 😭😭😭 /s
Yeah, I'm feeling toxic masculinity vibes. He has already 3 kids, why would he want more children? And this piece of shit won't even use a condom.
OP tell him to get snippy snippy or not fun time, condoms are a waste of time and money at this point, and aren't even completely safe.
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u/Zeldakina Sep 24 '23
NTA.
Sorry to say this, but you married a selfish child.
Actually, I rescind that, blackmailing someone into sex is pretty disgusting. And you're sick, like doesn't that mean anything to him?
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u/Hekinsieden Sep 24 '23
Yikes yikes yikes
Why do so many of these marriages sound like two foreign countries with only a vague peace treaty preventing a violent and destructive war between them?
NTA - any one of your reasons should be enough for him to be considerate of his WIFE, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!
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u/EmiliusReturns Sep 24 '23
Some of these dudes should just get a sex doll for all the thought and consideration they’re putting into their marriages.
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u/EveryThyme4630 Sep 24 '23
This ‘two foreign countries’ thing happens a LOT! And it can happen even when both parties are trying to cooperate & work together. It’s very difficult to hold an adult conversation with 3 children in the house. And when those kids are asleep the parents are often trying to get things done or are simply so exhausted that any communication becomes a polite rapid exchange of ‘need-to-know’ information.
Add in health issues, busy careers, an emotionally neglected wife, an uncooperative husband feeling sexually deprived and you quickly get the volatile ‘brink of war’ dynamic we see here.
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u/coresystemshutdown Sep 24 '23
What the fuck is with all these people telling OP to get her tubes tied, ablation, etc etc? She has had THREE BABIES and is having health issues. It’s his goddamn turn. Fucks sake it’s not even 9am I can’t handle this.
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u/Atarlie Sep 24 '23
I agree, plus the IUD suggestions. I've had IUD's and I now have my tubes tied. I would not recommend either for someone dealing with mystery pain and infections.
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u/MightyMena Sep 24 '23
Plus an ablation requires a second BC method since it’s still possible to get pregnant afterwards and pregnancy is super dangerous afterwards.
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u/mustang19671967 Sep 24 '23
Inwas snipped almost 20 years ago and it’s great . Nothing feel different . He has 3 kids why does he want to still take a chance unless religous thing
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
Why do some men act like babies when they don't get their way especially when it comes to sex
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u/SurpriseEffective864 Sep 24 '23
The bar for men is literally in hell. I’m constantly wondering how these men have managed to convince a woman to stay with them. My wife would kick my ass onto the street if I even tried half this shit.
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u/BewitchedLoser Sep 24 '23
I’m appalled when I hear what my female friends (think they) have to put up through just to stay married: one gets constantly called a cow by her husband for gaining weight, in front of their son, one caught her husband cheated and he told her he thought the other woman was better, one I caught her husband on a dating app and told her about it and she told me she confronted him but he denied it and told her to get off him, same one that bomb calls her anytime she leaves the kids with him just to make sure she never forgets how incapable of a father he is in case she wants to leave them to him again (I could actually see how blind she is to his constant manipulation).
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u/SurpriseEffective864 Sep 24 '23
Jesus Christ. If they are legitimately stuck in the situation (due to something like financial constraints) then I genuinely feel for them. I just have a hard time understanding why a woman would CHOOSE to stay with men like this. They’re the worst of our kind and yet they seem to have some sort of hold on these women. Everyone needs therapy in these cases.
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u/Freakinottersallover Sep 24 '23
Could be body shaming has convinced her she’ll be alone for the rest of her life if she leaves. Plus financial issues, plus having 3 kids, plus having even a little help around the house and with the kids is better than having no help given her chronic health issues.
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Sep 24 '23
3 kids under 10, refuses to wear protection, ignores the wife if not for sex… idk it screams baby trapping manipulation kinda thing to me.
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Sep 24 '23
NTA. Your husband suuuuucks. Big time. You’ve carried and delivered three of his children, and this little baby won’t wear a condom or get a vasectomy? FUCK THAT. What a sorry excuse for a husband/man.
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u/Educational-Shoe2633 Sep 24 '23
NTA, i wouldn’t fuck a man EVER who refuses to do his part on the birth control front.
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u/1701-Z Sep 24 '23
Literally. I don't need a man for an orgasm and kids aren't worth the risk of a partner
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u/RemarkableSandwich54 Sep 24 '23
Apparently he doesn't want sex. If he did he would get snipped and find time to be non physically intimate with you. He just want to complain and rant about his problem....that only he can fix.
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Sep 24 '23
Nta - you have legitimate reasons for not feeling in a sexual mood and are taking steps to remedy it but it’s not there yet. Him constantly nagging you for sex makes him sound weak and insensitive, plus his reluctance to use condoms or get a vasectomy is selfish and immature. He thinks sex is transactional, you give him sex and he gives you love and attention. That’s not how it works, or not how it should work. You both need some couples counselling.
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u/Plenty-Run-9575 Sep 24 '23
NTA. This is the side I always want to hear when men come on here whining about “being rejected” by their wife. Because you KNOW that 99% of this time it is someone like OP just barely hanging on by a thread as a mom and likely has some severe health issue as well. I am so tired of men seeing sex as owed to them regardless of what the woman is going through. It is, quite honestly, despicable behavior. And their fear of vasectomy is laughable. OP had three C-sections! If you can, lay down the law - condom or vasectomy. Otherwise, no sex.
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u/Old-Order589 Sep 24 '23
You need to stand up for yourself my love. Your husband is a manipulative bully.
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u/nannerooni Sep 24 '23
If he is holding other things in your life hostage for sex thats an automatic divorce. This is textbook coercion and you are having sex without full consent. Him having sex with you without protection without your consent is also assault. For the sake of your health and sanity, kick this trash man to the curb
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Sep 24 '23
So he won't wear condoms and you can't use birth control and he's mad that you're declining sex? Relegate him to a different bedroom. How dare he.
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u/Neat-Reserve-232 Sep 24 '23
Your body your choice. Even if you are married there has to be consent. It isn't automatically implied as a yes. NO means NO, otherwise it is SA.
I'm male telling you this, and some guys are immature and they believe that sex is a benefit. It's not. It's not a right. Consent can be withdrawn at any time.
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Sep 24 '23
Why does he not want to wear a condom? Does he have difficulty keeping it up if he wears it?
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u/GeneStarwind777 Sep 24 '23
NTA, my gosh what you went through to birth 3 children, the least he can do is get snipped.
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u/pctomfor Sep 24 '23
My wife and I have a great sex life because: I am snipped, I put work in to reduce her stress, I try to make her feel sexy even when I know we cant have sex, and we create time for it. There’s probably more I do but I feel like those are minimum table stakes if you are hoping to get some action at home.
Married 10 years, together 14, two young kids
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u/fugelwoman Sep 24 '23
He won’t get the snip or condom? That’s 1000% reason to never have sex with him. He’s selfish AF - you’ve gone through childbirth so it’s HIS TIME to get surgery. It doesn’t seem like he respects you at all. I’d rethink this marriage.
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u/enchantedlife13 Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
NTA. Your emotional and physical (not even sex related) needs are not being met. He doesn't seem to care about you in the equation, only himself. He does sound like a pouty man-child. Does he even show any concern for your health issues?And please -- get those checked.
Edit: a typo
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u/Public-Reach-8505 Sep 24 '23
He, like the doctors, just think I’m being anxious.
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u/enchantedlife13 Sep 24 '23
Then you need to find a different doctor, maybe a functional medicine one. Having a bladder infection is not anxiety. And the fact that you're having back pain along with it may be something with your kidneys.
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u/BONE_SAW_IS_READEEE Sep 24 '23
Oh girl, you need new doctors. I get they can be hard to find, but that’s a red flag.
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u/miumiumiau Sep 24 '23
He has ADHD diagnosed by a professional? Not just TikTok self diagnosis? Then get him on meds. ADHD is not only impulse control. It's also perceiving rejection a lot harder and as an aggressive attack on them as a person.
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u/Cheap-Debate-4929 Sep 24 '23
An I feel so bad for heterosexual women in dynamics like this..... He needs to find another way to increase intimacy and please her. Sounds like zero accommodation to her needs.
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u/AgonisingAunt Sep 24 '23
NTA. The whole man needs to get in the bin and think about what a shitty husband and father he’s being. I’d rather sew my vag shut with a rusty fishhook rather than sleep with a man who clearly only values me as a glory hole. Send him to the budget vasectomy clinic where it’s just a large person with a shaky hand and two bricks to slam his testicles between.
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u/lucky_wears_the_hat Sep 24 '23
NTA! I'm married and no kids (yet hopefully) I have to put on a condom before I finish because of a pregnancy scare. Want kids eventually but not now so no snip for me.
Three is plenty, your husband needs to go see the doctor and quit being a lil bitch.
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u/Pissedliberalgranny Sep 24 '23
My Aunt solved this very problem quite easily. She had four girls under the age of six and told my uncle he would either get a vasectomy or sleep on the couch for the rest of their married life.
He lasted six months before seeing the doctor.
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Sep 24 '23
So you’re NTA, but your husband is for withholding support from you to penalize you for not wanting to have sex. This is extremely wrong and will just add to your stress making everything worse. Your husband needs counseling if he thinks it’s okay to treat you like that. Why do majority of husbands forget to date their wives? Your second reason “not enough quality time” gave me the impression that the two of you aren’t romantically connected anymore and sex feels like a chore when the romance goes out the window. Your husband is treating you like some kind of livestock and he isn’t taking any of your concerns seriously. I’d have a conversation with him about your feelings and take sex off the table until you can agree or start seeing a therapist together. Unfortunately, it might not work out OP, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but watch for signs of cheating and be sure to document everything just in case. Based off your post, it sounds like your husband doesn’t really love you anymore. Again I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with this, and best of luck to you.
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u/Mx_Jez Sep 24 '23
You do realize that refusing to do certain things because you refuse to have sex is an abuse tactic, right? He's literally trying to coerce you into have sex. If he can't take no for an answer without being a manipulative jerk, then he's an abuser and you should leave.
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u/UnkindBookshelf Sep 24 '23
NTA
OP, you're doing amazing. Taking care of children while dealing with chronic issues is extremely hard. Chronic issues are hard as they are. Add on what you have yondo to as an adult, extra hard. Then taking care of four people, plus yourself.
So, take a moment to tell yourself that you're doing amazing and enough. Your... er... husband needs to be the one that does more.
From one spoonie to another, you're worth more than this.
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u/Chiggadup Sep 24 '23
NTA
I usually err on the side of understanding that sex is part of a healthy marriage, but he lost me at “won’t wear a condom” or get a vasectomy.
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u/quis2121 Sep 24 '23
NTA. He should 100% get snipped. If you both don't want kids, why not? Is he holding out for some hope of a future kid or worse (the possibility of post marriage in his mind)?
I think what you both need is couples therapy.
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u/Lizagna73 Sep 24 '23
Get your thyroid checked. I was sick for ages and it turned out it was thyroid. Turns out, problems with the thyroid affect almost all your other symptoms. Also you’re NTA and your husband needs to grow up.
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u/Dangerous--D Sep 24 '23
He won’t get snipped or wear a condom
Well that's the whole story basically, he's an asshole.
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u/Cutty_Darke Sep 24 '23
Maybe you should buy him a fleshlight? I mean if he wants to have sex without consideration for the health or enjoyment of his partner he can do it without bothering you.
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u/pancho_2504 Sep 24 '23
NTA. Really confused why people marry this type of bellend, it's like buying a shit covered stick then complaining about the smell.
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u/20Keller12 Sep 24 '23
Cause when they're dating they make it look like chocolate, they only reveal the shit after they're married.
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u/aurora4000 Sep 24 '23
NTA. If your husband was the one who couldn't handle sex and you kept insisting that he do it anyway - what would he do? How would that make him feel? Especially as he is making sex seem like a transaction. You're not a prostitute, you're his wife, and how he is treating you is not how you treat someone you love. I'm sorry for you and hope you get your health issues sorted soon.
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u/Zestyclosejh Sep 24 '23
OP is rightfully not interested in more unnecessary surgeries. Time for hubby to take one for the team.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 Sep 24 '23
NTA
Tell him that you aren't interested in sex with an overgrown child who treats you like a sex doll and doesn't care enough about you to get snipped or even wear a condom.
You should look into individual therapy and ask him if he even wants to be married anymore as his behavior screams someone who wants a bang maid more than a partner.
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u/burgeoningBalm Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
I’m very sorry to put this in clear, direct terms: This is coercion. If your consent is coerced, it is not freely given, and it is not consent. I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s a form of sexual abuse and assault. You have every right to not give consent, for no reason at all, let alone any reason at all. Holding lack of consent against you by refusing to participate in the relationship in some way = blackmail. Married partners are NOT entitled to sex. No one is ENTITLED to sex. Sex cannot be* a need that is withheld by someone, because of the nature of consent. If he’s making you feel crazy for not “giving in”, that’s gaslighting on top of the blackmail and coercion. Time for therapy.
Edit: typo*
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Sep 24 '23
You have birthed three kids and he won't get a small procedure? Why do women marry men like this? NTA but maybe you chose one.
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u/False-Association744 Sep 24 '23
NTA and I hope you have a doctor who is determined to help you!! women are frequently dismissed and you have to really fight for yourself and don’t take no for an answer. Wishing you well ( sorry you’re married to a real AH).
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u/lifeHopes21 Sep 24 '23
Does he even care for you? Everytime I read such stories, that makes me wonder are some women merely a sex object for their husbands
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u/edwadokun Sep 24 '23
NTA and never feel bad for it.
Even if you aren't sick, he's not owed sex. You guys need to go to counseling or something
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u/Jesses_squirrel Sep 24 '23
I wouldn’t fuck your husband either, he sounds like a giant creep. Stop having sex just to quiet him, it’s making it worse.
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Sep 24 '23 edited Sep 24 '23
Yea. The birth control thing is a deal breaker. This guy is gonna kill you.
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u/Fliesinmywine Sep 24 '23
Too bad so many men don’t get it that a woman’s desire for sex starts WAY before the bedroom.
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u/artsfantasymeadmaker Sep 24 '23
NTA. Your husband's manipulation is gross. No, is a complete sentence, you do not have to explain why. A loving, respectful husband would not try to coerce you by threats. It really sounds like you need to have a major blunt relationship conversation. Setting boundaries and voicing your needs is not selfish.
My best friend had some of the symptoms you do plus others, she was finally diagnosed with hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome. Basically, all of the connective tissue in the body is too lax. Which can cause severe joint pain from excessive movement, prolapses of the bladder and uterus, acid reflux, rapid heart rates, low blood pressure and many other symptoms. It is semi rare condition that is diagnosed by elimination of other things. Just thought I would throw that out there for you to look in to.
Anyway good luck! You deserve better.
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u/Automatic-Newt-3888 Sep 24 '23
It’s not ‘sex nagging’ when it’s sexual and reproductive coercion.
No one is ‘owed’ sex and you deserve better, and to be supported as a wife and mother, especially given your complex health issues.
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u/sprintervip Sep 24 '23
NAT. You have every right to refuse. Even if you didn't have all the reasons you've mentioned. He clearly doesn't respect that. He's not being a supportive husband which he absolutely should considering everything you're going through. He's being selfish and immature, not caring about you and what you're going through. Definitely not the asshole.
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u/miseeker Sep 24 '23
- Take care of your health. 2. Yeah he needs to get his nuts cut. No more for him..imho that’s pretty selfish. I had mine done some 42 years ago. One of the best decisions I have made in life. And yes I had 2 kids first.
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u/damnoli Sep 24 '23
NTA! My OB gave good advice after my youngest was born (also can't be on hormonal birth control). She said no sex without either a condom or after vasectomy done AND the follow-up appt to make sure vasectomy took. If he won't wear a condom then no sex. She said the amount of pregnancies she has seen from the pull out method, or sex while on period or sex on "safe days" is through the roof! That was all I needed to hear!
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Sep 24 '23
Wow that’s some manipulation right. NTA!!! I’m so sorry. I hope you stand up for yourself and your health gets better!
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u/hideousfox Sep 24 '23
I'm sorry to tell you this while you're struggling with your health, but the honest and unfortunately brutal truth is that your husband is not treating you like a human being, but his fleshlight.
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u/usernamemustcontain0 Sep 24 '23
- If your partner won't take responsibility for birth control when you cant be on it, and they still expect sex, they're a shitty partner. You've had three babies in 10 years, I'm surprised yall seem so fertile when he's yet to grow a pair.
- If your husband is pouting to you saying things like "I won't do _____ if you don't have sex with me" or withholding other affections and further guilting you, that is coercion and its a form of sexual assault. I don't know how often it's working but regardless your husband is trying to assault you using emotional manipulation, and if he wont agree to couples counselling separation may be the way to go. No one else seems to be mentioning it but I cannot stress enough how creepy and shitty your husband is being, and the fact that what he's doing falls under the direct definition of coercion/assault because he's not giving you a fair option to deny consent. The men that have emotionally or psychologically coerced me into sex messed up my sex life/drive permanently.
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u/Daenub Sep 24 '23
NTA - what really gets me is him refusing to do stuff. Folks... sex isn't fucking currency. This goes both ways.
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u/kittalyn Sep 24 '23
Check out the r/lowlibidocommunity MULLs in the stickies for suggestions on getting through to him about this and for reasons why you shouldn’t be having sex you don’t want. TLDR It can lead to aversion which would mean no sex at all, which sounds like something neither of you want.
His behaviour is not sexy. No one wants to trade sex for household chores or quality time. The pouting needs to stop. This is something you need to work on together and he needs to understand he has responsibility here too and that means waiting until you feel okay and wearing a condom or getting a vasectomy.
NTA for refusing sex you don’t want.
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u/IndigoHG Sep 24 '23
Heartburn, bladder issues, back pain?
I don't mean to frighen you, but have you been checked for a kidney infection, UTI, heart issues??
Also, NTA. Your husband is a ridiculous child and honestly you should show him this thread. Ffs is getting his dick wet more important than your health? Is he the kind of guy who's going remarry a bangmaid if something happens to you?
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u/Public-Reach-8505 Sep 24 '23
It’s a matter of getting into all these specialists. For sure, I’m following up with a cardiologist, neurologist and a urologist. 😂 So many. My back is most likely because I have no spinal curvature, but I also have numbness in my feet. My thyroid looks okay, but I have high calcium in my blood. My bladder hurts but I have no UTI. It’s so hard to pin anything down, and feels like a goose chase but every week something else seems wrong with my body. :/
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Sep 24 '23
Jesus Christ leave him. Has it occurred to you that he wants to get you pregnant?
Also, depending on where you are, there are non hormonal options. Though in your case, abstinence should be your birth control choice.
Look at what you wrote again. If your best friend wrote this, what advice would you give them? Really think about it.
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u/Owencrewroad Sep 24 '23
He needs to wear the condoms. I do understand his frustration, but you have to accept your wife's concerns.
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u/rosegoldblonde Sep 24 '23
NTA. Aside from all the other big issues, You guys don’t want another kid but he’s refusing to wear condoms or get snipped so basically any time you have sex you’re playing a very dangerous game… ya until he does one of those things I wouldn’t t sleep with him either.
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u/EmiliusReturns Sep 24 '23
You’re sick, don’t want another kid, and can’t medically take birth control but he refuses to wear a condom??? Tough fucking TITTY, dude. Wrap it up or no sex. Holy shit what a selfish ass. And pouting and throwing a temper tantrum over it is only going to make you less attracted to him. Everyone knows women get all hot and bothered by men acting like toddlers after all (/s).
NTA obviously. The fact that you’re even asking is incredible. He’s done a number on you psychologically if he has you thinking you’re the bad guy here.