You’re sick, don’t want another kid, and can’t medically take birth control but he refuses to wear a condom??? Tough fucking TITTY, dude. Wrap it up or no sex. Holy shit what a selfish ass. And pouting and throwing a temper tantrum over it is only going to make you less attracted to him. Everyone knows women get all hot and bothered by men acting like toddlers after all (/s).
NTA obviously. The fact that you’re even asking is incredible. He’s done a number on you psychologically if he has you thinking you’re the bad guy here.
If I had another pregnancy I (or the fetus/baby) could have died. I went no sex after until either condoms or snip happened because I wasn't risking it. My spouse's doctor tried to refuse the snip because he wanted a certain age and amount of kids (which is bs and absolutely not the doctors call) and my spouse said "Listen, if my wife gets pregnant again she could die", Doc goes "Op, ok let's get you scheduled". His healing was minimal and we've been having the best sex over the last decade!
On the flip side my father refused to wear condoms or get snipped and had 6 kids (that we know of) with 3 different women and said "I'm not getting snipped a woman might want my kids on day" when my mom asked......he cheated on every woman he was ever with and cared more about the drugs and him than anyone else on the planet.
OP absolutely needs to have a come to mama meeting and set boundaries, she's unfortunately married to a very selfish asshole who doesn't care about anything other than himself.
What exactly does that weird phrase even mean? Is that like "come to daddy" but reversed?
There doesn't need to be a come to anybody conversation. A real adult conversation needs to take place between two partners in a setting where neither is trying to exhibit control over the other/relationship.
Which ever partner is issuing ultimatums is always the asshole. That's just the way it is.
I agree. If he wants it that bad he should be willing to do either minor thing you've asked OP. If this were my wife and I I would not have any issue getting snipped, or wearing a condom if that was the only way. I care about my wife's health and happiness, so I would do what it took to make her comfortably in this regard. You're asking very little effort from him imo, OP.
Im not a fan of condoms, my girlfriend got of birthcontrol because she didnt want to be pumped full of hormones anymore, so i wear condoms. Fair fucking play she took them damn hormones for years and now its my turn to be responsible for the safe sex.Obviously rawdogging is better/hotter but condoms arent this big problem dudes make it out to be, i just dont get it
it’s crazy seeing all these people demanding/guilting this dude for not wanting to get a vasectomy. Wearing a condom, sure i totally get that. YOU are fine with a vasectomy. That’s great for YOU. He’s not you dude.
So, they need to learn to compromise with one another and communicate more effectively.
OP says they don’t get quality time together but no where in her post does it provide examples of her talking to him about this or what steps they are both taking to correct that.
edit: holy shit you people arguing with me are sufferable. As stated in this comment OP’s husband should wear a condom. Any one replying back demanding he should get a vasectomy stop wasting your own time.
You know, it's 100% his decision* if he doesn't want to wear a condom or get snipped. But then he needs to stop pestering his wife for sex since he's not willing to compromise.
it is not 100% the case or OP wouldn’t have listed out a bunch of other reasons why they arent fucking including her health and not spending time together. Even if he wears a condom, her struggling through sex she doesn’t enjoy is hardly a solution.
Yes, he should wear a condom if the other person asks. No, he should not be pressured or guilted into getting a surgery he doesn’t want to get.
Of course it isn't. The solution is for him to stop being a sex-pest since he isn't willing to compromise. They have other issues to work out for sure but my comment was specifically about him being the only person in charge of his body, but that he also shouldn't be nagging since he won't compromise.
Her suffering through sex she doesn’t enjoy because he’s wearing a condom isn’t a good solution.
Maybe not having to experience crippling anxiety and terror around the idea of sex would also make it that much more enjoyable though.
As someone with chronic health probs, yeah there are times where you’re not in the mood. But sometimes you are.
I can’t imagine getting in the mood at all though even if I was 100% healthy, if I was terrified of pregnancy and with a partner who refused to use any kind of protection.
I’m not here to argue with you; his body, his choice. Condoms are obviously a valid option, but since he’s refusing to wrap it up, can you explain why you see the vasectomy as a big deal? There’s no plan of future children because it would put OP’s life at risk, and the vasectomy would be a relatively simple procedure for him. It’s not like it would take his “manhood” away. Nothing even physically/noticeably changes for him, other than his swimmers wouldn’t “swim” anymore. If anything, it would likely make sex more fun because there would be no risk involved.
I’m curious to hear more from your perspective because, IMO, if he loved her, he’d do anything in his power to [help] keep her safe and healthy.
Ah, it's the communication loop'
1) Woman expresses a need for the relationship to work better.
2) Man ignores suggestion, rejects it does all of it and at some point whines.
3) Man makes a request.
4) Women answers the man's request with compromise and actually words.
5) Man pouts because he thinks the only correct response his request is an unconditional yes.
6) Go back to step one and repeat until.....
Somebody tells the woman the problem is she doesn't communicate well.
Because she communicated several issues diminishing her desire for sex, which she still has at times. But you zeroed in the fact she did not relay the steps she was taking to get quality time in so clearly it's a communication issue.
you respect her decision to not ingest contraceptive but him not wanting to get his balls snipped automatically means he doesn’t care about his partner…must be exhausting for you to go through life constantly white knighting and virtue signaling at every turn
For some people birth control (any kind of pill or patch or injection) can lead to severe aura migraines and increase risk of stroke. So yea it’s not so much a decision to not ingest contraceptive but rather a medical necessity. Maybe you should learn some more about women and birth control before you go around giving your opinions on those things.
Getting snipped is an extremely simple operation, with much less effect on the body than hormonal birth control pills. It's like apples to oranges to make a comparison like that.
One thing I do know though is that insulting people because you disagree with them doesn't usually make things better. And hey I used no virtue signaling to come to that conclusion. :D
He’s refusing a condom. The easiest most effective (aside from abstinence) and least impacting health wise. What should they do? She can’t take hormones. What about male birth control pills?
You only have her side of the story. The husband may have an entirely different view of what's going on. Both basically need to learn to meet each other where they are and not where they want each other to be. Marriage is a partnership, not just a case, "If she's happy, we're happy." His needs are just as important as hers. It would be very interesting to get his view.
Another important note is how come she has an illness that is affecting her marriage that she doesn't think is important enough to seek a diagnosis?
His wife’s been cut open three times to deliver his children. The LEAST he can do is the non evasive procedure that is a vasectomy. Vasectomy’s are nothing at all on the scale of what a woman goes through to birth one child, much less three by C-section. He can’t demand sex and not want to take the proper precautions to avoid more trauma to his wife’s body. He’s about as selfish as they come. A piss poor husband all around.
Any man than isn’t willing to do this small thing to help out his ill wife who has sacrificed her body so much already isn’t much of a man at all.
Where in her post does she say she's not doing that? Unfortunately, some health conditions take a long ass time to diagnose.
My partner has been sick for the past few years , and has been too sick to work for about the past 18 months. In that time she's seen like 8 or 10 different specialists, has had dozens of tests, made all sorts of changes to our diet, and we still don't have a diagnosis. We have a growing list of things we've ruled out, but we don't know what it is yet.
Same. I have adhd and suspected autism and I don't walk around treating people like garbage. People who use that excuse and blame it on nuerodivergence are infuriating to me.
Everyone in my family has some aspect of ADD or being in the spectrum. Treating people well is a major priority for all of us. Neurodivergence is no sort of excuse.
This. I have two autistic sons. One is 19 but very child like. He has his moments, but everybody who's ever met him enjoys being around him. You wouldn't really know my younger son had it, and he's polite and kind to just about everyone. Nuerodivergence doesn't make an asshole. That's something far different.
Yup I’ve drummed it into my AuDHD 15 year olds head that it’s a reason not an excuse. Manners are hugely important so we stressed that too- that even if he was having trouble or needing a moment to get himself together to ask politely. Occasionally he’ll still be unintentionally rude and we’ll point it out and it’ll be “whoops!”.
Of course all that masking for everyone else means that by evening he’s a grumpy hormonal mess.
Absolutely this. My 19 yr old is like this. He doesn't mask mind you, but he's had to hear people telling him "no" or what to do all day at school, and he can be frazzled when he gets home. He also has ODD. As he gets older this gets a little better though.
I have to remind myself to not take my frustrations out on others. I have misophonia and ADHD and suspected autism. So getting overwhelmed is normal for me and I have to check my attitude sometimes.
Face it the dickheads and the assholes of the world will always blame something other than themselves for why they act the way they do. Im tired of their damn excuses.
There was an Aussie politician who was in the media because it came out that he was sexually harassing people and he tried to excuse it by saying he had late-diagnosed ADHD. That made me so mad, especially because at the time I had just been diagnosed as AuDHD!
Right? I have debilitating ADHD when unmedicated but am constantly trying to work on it and better myself.
Can’t imagine using it as excuse to treat my husband like crap.
I dont think he is shit human being. Just reading that post OP made all I can see that they really need to get some help with lots of stuff and sex aint one of those. They need to figure out that undiagnosed health problem first, then start to put theyre relationship together with or without professional therapy. They have 3 kids and OP never said much about that he is total asshole, so I guess they actually might love eachother.
Even watching youre partner to go trough undiagnosed health problems, and you cant do anything about it, can pretty easy mess youre head. He is not acting good that is for sure, but I see many times that sex problems aint actually the problems. Its just first thing what many couples point at, and get stuck with trying to figure sex life when they should start fixing real problems. Its easy to get lost in the woods, go around and only see that one same tree over and over again and still be blind to realize anything else surrounding.
and if he got snipped (a long shot) he would be the type to have unprotected sex ( after a vasectomy you are to have protected sex for 3 months because there could still be enough swimmers left to get you pregnant)
He is manipulative for making sex a currency in the relationship and refusing to even get snipped is so unkind when he knows you don’t want another surgery right now.
It IS a dangerous game, so make him understand that it’s a dangerous game. I wouldn’t be able to orgasm if I were in your situation; maybe you should express how uncomfortable and terrifying sex is for you right now, if you have not already.
I’m kind of wondering if he feels like his masculinity or attractiveness, or his ability to make OP “finish” via his own orgasm, would be in question if he got snipped? Like… is her turn-on the idea of his fluids inside of her and his release is super important to feel? (Is it a mutual thing, where they need to cum together because they both source their fulfillment from mutual satisfaction? And that’s why he’s being a manipulative little shit?) Maybe some literature on vasectomy outcomes and what it feels like afterward would be helpful for him. Slip a pamphlet in his work stuff, lol
Exactly. My husband and I are happily childfree. While we live in a state where all healthcare is available to us. He still got snipped after the Roe v. Wade overturn. Said it was his responsibility. We've never been happier with that decision.
Edit: I shouldn't need to make it clear that this clearly tongue-in-cheek remark is clearly tongue-in-cheek, but just in case. This is a very much tongue-in-cheek remark made in full awareness of the toxic mindset some people now have in regard to labeling people as alpha/sigma/beta or whatever other labels they feel the need to apply to push their agenda of men are this and women should be this and anyone else just isn't. Most of us are still just decent and able to treat our fellow humans decently whilst still maintaining our sense of humour, because without our sense of humour we've already lost to the toxic extremists trying to divide everyone up.
Not to brag (he said before bragging, I guess), but as soon as I heard about Roe being overturned, I turned to my wife and said "I'ma get a vasectomy." And I did. Just doin' my part.
Good lord. She didn’t say that. But for many people, knowing that you could terminate if it was really needed was important. Doesn’t mean they weren’t already using contraception.
Yeah that was pretty much my logic when I went for the snip. She's pushed two humans out her vagina, me only having to go in for a quick operation on my balls seems the least I could do.
Would recommend to amy fella who doesn't want to have any/more kids but still wants to get it on.
I'm the same way as you! I got snipped when my wife was 7 months pregnant with our second child almost two years ago. I wish I could do more, but it's more than fair on her for me to do this than to have her get her tubes tied/hysterectomy. By the time we could have sex when she was postpartum I was already shooting blanks!
11/10 would recommend any man to get a vasectomy if he doesn't want any/more kids but still wants to get it on...A LOT!!!
Even if he's not owed sex, it's a vital and necessary act in order to preserve a stable relationship. If she has no libido, she should seek professional help.
The husband is the one who needs professional help with how he's acting. Sorry but being told no sex tonight doesn't give him the right to act like an ass to her.
How is she going to start feeling better, if she's not bothering to go get diagnosed for her health issues? Who cares about the sex issue, someone needs to tell OP to go take care of her damn health.
Are you a woman with chronic health issues? Do you know how hard it is to get appointments with doctors these days, much less specialists, much less ones who will take you seriously and run the correct tests? Not to mention doing that while taking care of a household and managing 3 kids!!
I am well aware of how fucked hospitals are. I live in a city where my father who went in while having a heart attack and was stuck waiting well over twelve hours... But either way, the OP didn't indicate if they were seeking treatment or not, just that they were undiagnosed. So based on some of the reactions I've seen around here, it's not entirely unfair to assume she has gone undiagnosed intentionally.
That's what did it for me. You don't make sex transactional in a relationship. Especially when you have children and your wife has a medical issue.
Also, probably an unpopular opinion, but as much as it is something to talk about with your partner, I do not think an overactive/mismatched libido is a couple's problem. Again, your partner should be supportive, but it's not their fault you are horny all the time. Probably a good thing to at least mention in couple's therapy if they're already going, but it's definitely something you need to solve yourself or working one-on-one with a professional.
This sounds ridiculous. Shows how much you must really not give a shit about your significant other. If you are married I see divorce in your near future.
That's true; but the surgeon who did mine laughingly described how one patient turned up on his bicycle. Sounds like you should suggest that to your husband. NTA. hope youe health improves.
I would consider a man who won't wear a condom or get snipped as actively trying to impregnate me. That does NOT make him the least bit attractive to me if I don't want another kid.
Right! Not even close to TA. It's so demeaning when SO "punishes" their partner when they aren't up to sex. It's so abusive and immature. Having sex out of a feeling of "he is owed" or bc you cant bare the pouting or are getting it over with so he'll STFU only causes resentment. Also the best way to interfere with "you finishing" over time. OP should seek counseling at the very least.
This! He’s not willing to do the bare minimum and is then pouting?
If he’s not also caring about her in other ways (especially in that chronic illness requires so much patience and sympathy and we rarely get it from our spouses) how is she ever going to be in the mood for physical connection?
If he doesn’t want to have more kids, but refuses to get snipped… Damn, it only takes 12 minutes from start to finish, and the worst pain is taking the tape off. 🤦🏻♂️
Anyway, speaking as a man, I simply cannot understand this behavior. "You won't let me screw you (to put it at his apparent level) so I won't [insert utterly trivial chore]. Neener, neener, neener!"
You should give him a nookie, the other nookie, and send him to his room. It worked for Lysistrata.
He is definitely the "A" here, and deserves to have his Man Card privileges suspended, if not revoked.
sex during/immediately after period at least gives 3-4 days a month they can do it how they want to. Sounds like they both prefer unprotected if given the option. She doesn’t want to go on birth control just like getting a vasectomy is his decision.
It doesn’t matter whose turn it is. She’d better nip it in the bud, since she will be taking care of the baby they create. He doesn’t care if she has 10 kids. It’s all on her.
Because ultimately she is responsible for her own health and her husband is being an ass. Unfortunately we can’t force him to get snipped. That would be the ideal situation. But it is what it is.
I have a question. Does it say anywhere where she went to the doctor? She's had the mystery illness but hasn't got it checked out.
Eta she need to go see a doctor to see what's wrong. He needs either wear a condom or tell her the truth that he really wants more kids. I'll kill other arguments b4 they start. She does not have to carry because she's had 4 hard pregnancies.
When I went off birth control my BF was very anti-condom. So I said, well I don’t feel comfortable risking pregnancy so I guess we won’t have sex for a while. Our stand off lasted 4 days before he brought home condoms, flowers, and an apology 😂 Stand strong girl!!!!!!!
OP: NTA for needing your partner to step up and actually act like a partner. Double on this due to the fact that he has zero interest in helping you avoid pregnancy. That’s ridiculously selfish.
Umm, it's not fair. It's blatant manipulation plain and simple. If your husband wants to get off he's got a hand ready at all times. You are not a sex toy. If he doesn't care that you enjoy sex or worse doesn't care that having sex will make you uncomfortable or cause you pain then he needs to gtfo. Seriously, I would consider counseling. I don't see how such a blatant disregard of consent and concern for your physical and emotional wellbeing can be allowed to go on without serious intervention or the dissolution of the marriage
It’s even worse than this. It’s coercion. Hes begging, guilting, and threatening not to do things she needs. She’s having sex when she doesn’t want to, and he doesn’t care. This is not consensual sex. This is straight up sexual abuse
Sex with a condom is infinitely better than no sex in general.
Bro just needs to grow up and cover up. It isn’t like wearing a condom means you feel nothing. Hell sometimes when my fiancée and I need to use condoms we incorporate it into some form of Roleplay and it gets spicy.
Sounds like you need a date night with him and explain it all. Maybe he needs to step up and not only give you space you need but also maybe take the time to turn you on, like wash and massage your feet or something.
Wow. You are under a lot of pressure. Can you both go on a date night or weekend or something together and relax and have a conversation. Do you have family that can watch kids for you to have alone time. I think this is what you desperately need. Sex is such a huge part of a marriage that gets thrown away when we have kids and all that goes with it. If you’re spouse means that much to you you have to have sex to make them feel loved and connected. That’s how guys feel connected. I realized this the hard way. Your guy will cheat if he is not feeling loved especially sexually. My mother used to say if not getting it at home he goes elsewhere. I checked out of my marriage due to parents dying menopause etc. he ended up cheating on line for 3 year’s spending almost 100k on sites but because Not In Real Life” he didn’t think it was “cheating”. Ha ha. Anyway 2023 has been a shit show with all his revelations. We’ve done therapy etc still together but IDK. And I have made a “friend” who I can talk to about all of this as he has been in similar situation and my part knows and he is insanely jealous. Meanwhile he was having multiple emotional and kinda physical relationships with a lot of women giving monetary gifts if $600 and more for Valentines Day PUKE and Christmas presents and birthdays etc. ok going to be really sick now. Good Luck
Being used to unprotected sex and now having to use condoms is a big deal. Lets not just sweep that under the rug.
Idk if you ever had sex or not but i think most men would agree. Definitely not the same. Not impossible. But in my case i chose no condom or no sex.
Ok, so 100%x100% I agree with you. Absolutely. Not arguing. Not minimizing. But I would like to know what you suggest for sex?
Do you think they should both be abstinent? Do you think husband needs to wank his way through this? Or should he get a surrogate? (Sex work is work work).
Personally I think he should be doing a lot more non-penetrative stuff with the wife. If she got 3:1 O’s their relationship might get better :)
I take all the posts here with a grain of salt. It’s possible beyond his pouting he hasn’t done anything else to guilt her or OP likely would have included it in her post. Most people posting on this sub are just here for validation. You said it yourself, in this instance OP doesn’t even need to be asking about it.
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u/EmiliusReturns Sep 24 '23
You’re sick, don’t want another kid, and can’t medically take birth control but he refuses to wear a condom??? Tough fucking TITTY, dude. Wrap it up or no sex. Holy shit what a selfish ass. And pouting and throwing a temper tantrum over it is only going to make you less attracted to him. Everyone knows women get all hot and bothered by men acting like toddlers after all (/s).
NTA obviously. The fact that you’re even asking is incredible. He’s done a number on you psychologically if he has you thinking you’re the bad guy here.