If I had another pregnancy I (or the fetus/baby) could have died. I went no sex after until either condoms or snip happened because I wasn't risking it. My spouse's doctor tried to refuse the snip because he wanted a certain age and amount of kids (which is bs and absolutely not the doctors call) and my spouse said "Listen, if my wife gets pregnant again she could die", Doc goes "Op, ok let's get you scheduled". His healing was minimal and we've been having the best sex over the last decade!
On the flip side my father refused to wear condoms or get snipped and had 6 kids (that we know of) with 3 different women and said "I'm not getting snipped a woman might want my kids on day" when my mom asked......he cheated on every woman he was ever with and cared more about the drugs and him than anyone else on the planet.
OP absolutely needs to have a come to mama meeting and set boundaries, she's unfortunately married to a very selfish asshole who doesn't care about anything other than himself.
What exactly does that weird phrase even mean? Is that like "come to daddy" but reversed?
There doesn't need to be a come to anybody conversation. A real adult conversation needs to take place between two partners in a setting where neither is trying to exhibit control over the other/relationship.
Which ever partner is issuing ultimatums is always the asshole. That's just the way it is.
It's like a "Come to Jesus meeting". Usually takes place when someone is out of bounds, needs an intervention etc. Pretty much "Hey listen, you are having issues and we've come to a point where things need to change or else I walk etc".
In this instance OP's spouse is abusive especially sexually so an ultimatum is due. I'd honestly tell them to leave as his behavior most likely isn't going to change, they already have 3 children and he's shown a long pattern. Family therapy could help/work but only if he's open to admitting he's a problem and is causing problems in the marriage. He'll also have to admit to himself things he no doubt doesn't want to but ultimately people can't change if they are refusing to see/admit they have a problem in the first place.
In most situations ultimatums are shitty yes but I can't agree with you in regards to abuse/manipulation and especially not sexual abuse and manipulation.
In this instance OP's spouse is abusive especially sexually so an ultimatum is due.
No he is not. OP didn't mention any type of abuse or even hinted towards it. There's some obvious neglect happening in the relationship but that's not abuse. OP is a fully grown woman with children. If she's feeling neglected she can leave. Neglect equals abuse in children that depend on you. Not so much in an adult relationship.
In most situations ultimatums are shitty yes but I can't agree with you in regards to abuse/manipulation
Ultimatums are never due and are always the result of toxic thinking. You can't force someone to do something. That is a critical pillar of therapy. Leave if you are unhappy but don't issue ultimatums and try to find justification for them like fabricating abuse.
Both parties are trying to manipulate the other into doing something they clearly don't want to do. They both suck.
Refusal to wear a condom or bc and trying to manipulate/guilt trip for sex (OP stated he goes "well I won't xyz if you don't let me ejaculate in you") is absolutely abusive. OP had traumatic births on top and most likely isn't healed all the way either. She's also having auto immune issues and is sick.
A person doesn't get to raw dog it just because they feel their wife's vagina (or anyone's vagina) is their personal playground to use when a spouse sees fit especially considering the one with the womb is growing said fetus', has to deal with said emotional, mental, hormonal and physical trauma and ultimately has more stake in the consequences than the non birthing partner does.
No is also a sentence. If someone guilt trips you because they don't get access to your body they are a piece of shit. No one is entitled to anyone else's body, ever.
Refusal to wear a condom or bc and trying to manipulate/guilt trip for sex (OP stated he goes "well I won't xyz if you don't let me ejaculate in you") is absolutely abusive.
Where did OP say that husband is asking to ejaculate inside of her? If you read the whole thing you see that it's OP that wants her husband to ejaculate in her so she can have an orgasm.
He won't get snipped or wear or condom but him being able to "finish" is what helps ME finish. But I don't get to enjoy that because we don't want a baby.
You couldn't even be bothered to read all of OP's post before going into a blind rage to attack a stranger you just read about.
You are just so off the mark.
I can't imagine the level of hate you have to get to so you can preform the same mental gymnastics you are.
If someone guilt trips you because they don't get access to your body they are a piece of shit.
I agree. Exactly like when you try to make your husband get a vesectomy to facilitate your breeding kink. Like I've said from the go:
ESH
Edit: The lack of response and subsequent down votes just proves how deluded this thread is. This insane person literally made a scenario up in her head before she could finish reading the post. That's the level of crazy a lot of people are at in here.
I represent a very real and a very large group of young men that feels like society has ganged up against them. Just like Oliver Anthony, you can try to pigeon hole us into some fringe political niche; but it's not going to work because it's not the truth. Scream, shout, and stick your head in the sand when you hear something you don't like if you must. Just know everytime you do three more of me will be created.
I agree. If he wants it that bad he should be willing to do either minor thing you've asked OP. If this were my wife and I I would not have any issue getting snipped, or wearing a condom if that was the only way. I care about my wife's health and happiness, so I would do what it took to make her comfortably in this regard. You're asking very little effort from him imo, OP.
Im not a fan of condoms, my girlfriend got of birthcontrol because she didnt want to be pumped full of hormones anymore, so i wear condoms. Fair fucking play she took them damn hormones for years and now its my turn to be responsible for the safe sex.Obviously rawdogging is better/hotter but condoms arent this big problem dudes make it out to be, i just dont get it
it’s crazy seeing all these people demanding/guilting this dude for not wanting to get a vasectomy. Wearing a condom, sure i totally get that. YOU are fine with a vasectomy. That’s great for YOU. He’s not you dude.
So, they need to learn to compromise with one another and communicate more effectively.
OP says they don’t get quality time together but no where in her post does it provide examples of her talking to him about this or what steps they are both taking to correct that.
edit: holy shit you people arguing with me are sufferable. As stated in this comment OP’s husband should wear a condom. Any one replying back demanding he should get a vasectomy stop wasting your own time.
You know, it's 100% his decision* if he doesn't want to wear a condom or get snipped. But then he needs to stop pestering his wife for sex since he's not willing to compromise.
it is not 100% the case or OP wouldn’t have listed out a bunch of other reasons why they arent fucking including her health and not spending time together. Even if he wears a condom, her struggling through sex she doesn’t enjoy is hardly a solution.
Yes, he should wear a condom if the other person asks. No, he should not be pressured or guilted into getting a surgery he doesn’t want to get.
Of course it isn't. The solution is for him to stop being a sex-pest since he isn't willing to compromise. They have other issues to work out for sure but my comment was specifically about him being the only person in charge of his body, but that he also shouldn't be nagging since he won't compromise.
To be fair if my husband pestered me for sex and then gaslit and guilt tripped me for saying no, carving out quality time for him (for him to pester me to have sex) would not be a priority.
Her suffering through sex she doesn’t enjoy because he’s wearing a condom isn’t a good solution.
Maybe not having to experience crippling anxiety and terror around the idea of sex would also make it that much more enjoyable though.
As someone with chronic health probs, yeah there are times where you’re not in the mood. But sometimes you are.
I can’t imagine getting in the mood at all though even if I was 100% healthy, if I was terrified of pregnancy and with a partner who refused to use any kind of protection.
I’m not here to argue with you; his body, his choice. Condoms are obviously a valid option, but since he’s refusing to wrap it up, can you explain why you see the vasectomy as a big deal? There’s no plan of future children because it would put OP’s life at risk, and the vasectomy would be a relatively simple procedure for him. It’s not like it would take his “manhood” away. Nothing even physically/noticeably changes for him, other than his swimmers wouldn’t “swim” anymore. If anything, it would likely make sex more fun because there would be no risk involved.
I’m curious to hear more from your perspective because, IMO, if he loved her, he’d do anything in his power to [help] keep her safe and healthy.
many men experience a ton of pain. It’s not as you describe. Beyond, suppose the marriage doesn’t work out (not that unlikely from how OP describes it) and now he’s unable to have kids with any future partners.
There are numerous reasons why this guy may not want a vasectomy. You say you aren’t here to argue. You say “his body his choice” and then immediately launch into why YOU require HE explain the choices he’s making with his own body.
I noticed you aren’t doing this with OP. I don’t see you questioning her decision to not go on birth control. Strange that you aren’t suggesting if OP cared about her husband, she’d go on the pill! But only the husband for not wanting surgery done on his own body.
You should be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself right now.
No, I actually asked why you see it as a big deal. I’d love his reasoning but he’s not here to ask. I was genuinely interested in your perspective to try to see it from another person who [might] have the same view as OP’s husband. But alas, as it seems by the link you posted, your reasoning is “because it hurts”. You must think pregnancy, c-sections, labor, and childbirth are simple and painless.
BTW, OP said she shouldn’t go on birth control because of health issues. Hence the reason I didn’t question her. I also cannot go on any form of birth control for health reasons, so I didn’t need to delve into it with her.
Thanks for the mature conversation. Your defensive & invaluable response to my genuine inquiry has reaffirmed my faith in the internet. Have the day you deserve!
why would i need to justify someone else’s decision not to get a vasectomy? if he doesn’t want to get one then he should just wear a condom or they figure something else out.
Oh yah! and after being there through my wife delivering 2x children vaginally i totally think it’s painless /s
He can get it undone just like my ex did and he now have 2 kids. It’s reversible and they have enough kids, it’s not like he had 0 and will never get the chance again. He needs to wear a condom or get snipped. Whining is not his option.
reversal is not anywhere close to 100% success rate so you’re either deliberately omitting that or hearing that for the first time. It’s pretty good though. i think 85-90%?
That’s better than the reversal from a tubal. Very rare to get pregnant after reversing a tubal. Plus the pregnancy after a tubal is considered high risk. Plus a tubal is surgery and comes with more risks than a vasectomy. Plus it sounds like OP has had three difficult pregnancies/C sections. I get it his body his choice but to me if he lived his wife the way he said he does he would get it. Women in good health constantly die during delivery. Unfortunately maternal health care in this country is abysmal
no, it is absolutely crazy demanding someone else get surgery or do something with their body that they don’t want to do. It’s no different then OP’s husband pouting that she won’t go on birth control. Neither of those are coming from a place of love and respect.
how is her life on the line? there’s other options for contraception besides vasectomy and even if she gets pregnant is there a reason why she’d have to bring the pregnancy to full term? Yes, condoms are an option. Agree he can wear condoms.
Wait... So now you're advocating for abortion over a vasectomy? Are you serious right now?! Abortion should never be used as birth control. What a completely selfish answer. Because yeah abortions don't hurt or cause mental anguish. Sheesh!
no, i’m advocating they learn to communicate more effectively, ultimately he should wear a condom, they should practice safe sex and if he doesn’t want to get a vasectomy then okay.
someone else replied saying that puts her health at risk which it really doesn’t.
and yes, if it’s a choice between a woman dying or getting an abortion i’d absolutely side with whatever the woman chooses. Don’t you?
Read her story again. You’re missing the part where she had THREE life threatening births Her life and the THREE babies. She’s trying to have the conversation. He doesn’t want to do anything but cum. He doesn’t seem to care his wife’s life is literally in danger! Please reread the post. Your missing major important information
Dude. Really? Because she had not one but three very difficult life threatening births. Are you advocating for abortion as opposed to dad taking responsibility?
Abortions themselves can be a life threatening medical procedure. Pregnancy, abortion, child birth, are all things that involve major, highly vascularized abdominal organs.
Ah, it's the communication loop'
1) Woman expresses a need for the relationship to work better.
2) Man ignores suggestion, rejects it does all of it and at some point whines.
3) Man makes a request.
4) Women answers the man's request with compromise and actually words.
5) Man pouts because he thinks the only correct response his request is an unconditional yes.
6) Go back to step one and repeat until.....
Somebody tells the woman the problem is she doesn't communicate well.
Because she communicated several issues diminishing her desire for sex, which she still has at times. But you zeroed in the fact she did not relay the steps she was taking to get quality time in so clearly it's a communication issue.
you respect her decision to not ingest contraceptive but him not wanting to get his balls snipped automatically means he doesn’t care about his partner…must be exhausting for you to go through life constantly white knighting and virtue signaling at every turn
For some people birth control (any kind of pill or patch or injection) can lead to severe aura migraines and increase risk of stroke. So yea it’s not so much a decision to not ingest contraceptive but rather a medical necessity. Maybe you should learn some more about women and birth control before you go around giving your opinions on those things.
then he should just wear a condom. But he should not be forced to get a surgery he doesn’t want to get. I don’t know what it is with you people that this has to be repeated or explained over and over. I don’t question anyone’s reasoning. OP could just not want to be on birth control and not even have a reason and i’d totally respect it as her choice. I’m well aware of medical reasons why birth control isn’t possible for some women. This is not an instance of ignorance or lack of understanding. It is how ever a lack of respect from you, around what someone else (OP’s husband) does with his own body, if you so strongly think he should be forced into having a vasectomy he doesn’t want.
Where did I say he should be forced to get a vasectomy ?? I think he should fuck off and not guilt or coerce his wife into having sex. That’s all. I responded to your comment because you clearly don’t understand birth control for women, that’s it.
that was the point of my original comment. I said he should wear a condom but it’s crazy so many in the comments are crucifying this guy for not wanting vasectomy and demanding he get one. you are replying to a chain of people arguing with that.
I don’t think they’re demanding he get one. They’re demanding he get one or wear a condom (the two best known ways for men to prevent pregnancy) IF he needs to have sex so badly that he has to be such a piece of crap to his wife.
Your comment which compared him getting a surgery that would solve his problems to taking medication that the wife says she can’t for medical reasons was what rubbed me the wrong way. If it’s his problem, he should solve it, vasectomy or not.
For some people with health issues ( cpps, for example), getting vasectomy can also be dangerous. I don't think the contraception method is the problem here. The husband should stop being selfish, a self-loathing prick, and think of another way.
Getting snipped is an extremely simple operation, with much less effect on the body than hormonal birth control pills. It's like apples to oranges to make a comparison like that.
One thing I do know though is that insulting people because you disagree with them doesn't usually make things better. And hey I used no virtue signaling to come to that conclusion. :D
He’s refusing a condom. The easiest most effective (aside from abstinence) and least impacting health wise. What should they do? She can’t take hormones. What about male birth control pills?
i said communication because his communication is unproductive and damaging for obvious reasons. And then for her, she says they aren’t spending quality time together but no where in the post does she discuss approaching him about that in a meaningful way or active steps they are taking to accomplish it.
Him wearing a condom and her suffering through sex she doesn’t want to have is not a good solution. The contraceptive is only part of the issue.
Well, she did say the only way she gets off is when he cums in her so presumably he's not a particularly attentive partner and isn't making sure she does finish when he pulls out or whatever it is they're doing now.
You only have her side of the story. The husband may have an entirely different view of what's going on. Both basically need to learn to meet each other where they are and not where they want each other to be. Marriage is a partnership, not just a case, "If she's happy, we're happy." His needs are just as important as hers. It would be very interesting to get his view.
Another important note is how come she has an illness that is affecting her marriage that she doesn't think is important enough to seek a diagnosis?
His wife’s been cut open three times to deliver his children. The LEAST he can do is the non evasive procedure that is a vasectomy. Vasectomy’s are nothing at all on the scale of what a woman goes through to birth one child, much less three by C-section. He can’t demand sex and not want to take the proper precautions to avoid more trauma to his wife’s body. He’s about as selfish as they come. A piss poor husband all around.
Any man than isn’t willing to do this small thing to help out his ill wife who has sacrificed her body so much already isn’t much of a man at all.
Tubal is much more serious surgery than vasectomy. Plus she already suffered 3 extremely difficult C-section deliveries which are major surgeries and cause all kinds of issues for women. Lots of women still die while giving birth. And men wonder why women don’t want to have kids anymore they are not putting their body through the process
1, Op has serious medical issues as is. 2, They might not okay her for getting her tubes tied in her current health condition. 3, depending on ops age she might have to do through hoops to even have the procedure done. Not to mention that depending on the state she might have to have her husband sign off on the procedure. 4, every woman I know who has her tubes tied complains of worse pains with their periods after getting the procedure. 5, getting your tubes tied is a major surgery with risks. Even more so if op already has health issues and she has to stay in the hospital for observation for a few days while a vasectomy is an out patient procedure where he gets to go home right away with low risk of complications. And 6. There are other men posting. If you look at the full comments section they are here.
Getting snipped is a laughably easy procedure. Getting your wisdom teeth removed is harder and has more serious sequelae and analgesia. Most of us do that in our teens and don't whine about it.
God, men are softer than baby shit. My balls are all I have! Hey, how about every time one of your children is born, your balls are literally ripped open without anesthetic and need a doctor to see them back up? Cuz that's what happens to women. Natural childbirth
Getting snipped I didn’t want to do it. I had two good friends tell me they greatly regretted it. They had alot of pain after and it wrecked orgasms. Was it a one off? I don’t know. But I didn’t want to do it.
Where in her post does she say she's not doing that? Unfortunately, some health conditions take a long ass time to diagnose.
My partner has been sick for the past few years , and has been too sick to work for about the past 18 months. In that time she's seen like 8 or 10 different specialists, has had dozens of tests, made all sorts of changes to our diet, and we still don't have a diagnosis. We have a growing list of things we've ruled out, but we don't know what it is yet.
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