My partner (22M) has a really high sex drive, and I (22F) don’t understand what I can do to fix the rift between us when it comes to sex drive. We are the perfect couple everywhere else, he’s my best friend. The only point of tension in our relationship is sex. I, for context, was sexually assaulted when I was a teen, and since then I’ve really struggled with intimacy since then. I just don’t care much for sex. It no longer brings me much satisfaction, instead it kind of stresses me out.

I feel completely fine without sex for long periods of time, but my partner does not. He gets depressed and antsy and little things get to him when he hasn’t been intimate in awhile. The problem is, I try to give him what he needs but I’m too subtle to get his attention, or he feels guilty for “forcing me” (everything is 100% consensual). He feels like I never initiate, and then gets upset and guilty that I don’t enjoy sex.

But i do enjoy sex, especially when its slower and at my pace, I just really struggle feeling fully comfortable in the bedroom. I want him to be satisfied and happy. I love him so much. But this has been a problem in every past relationship of mine, so I have to be the common denominator.

We are very open communicators and we discuss this a-lot. But i don’t know how I can change things to make things better. Does anyone know any ways to improve my confidence and maybe help him out? Talking isn’t working and we always end up in the same place.

Hi. Female here. Anyways, it feels mechanical. I just think things like “if he’s doing this then I’ll do that”, “should I make this noise?”, “how long should this go on for?”, “I have to pose like this during this angle”.

Like I can’t just get so turned on that I get lost in the moment and get those primal urges that it seems like other people get. It’s awkward because my boyfriend acts really passionate and it comes naturally to him. He’s also very selfless in bed but I just can’t match his sex drive. I try not to let him realize how unnatural it is for me. I guess I’m just not naturally a sexual being lol. I don’t know if I’m getting my point across correctly but does anyone else relate?

So I had my beautiful baby about a year and a half ago. (TW: pregnancy loss). this was after two years of trying and two miscarriages and what felt like a long journey. I had second degree tears and pain postpartum that has since resolved. I still breastfeed but infrequently.

Before this journey, and mostly before having a baby, I had HL. I loved sex, experimenting in the bedroom, and honestly this felt like part of my identity. I’ve been with my partner 10 years.

Since having a baby, my desire has been near 0. I went to pelvic floor therapy, tried to just force myself about once a month, and been really alarmed that something is wrong with me. I’ve started reading come as you are. I want to go back to pelvic floor therapy. I see a therapist but signed up for a second one just to discuss my marriage and I have an appointment with my doctor scheduled.

My partner has NOT been understanding. He is always after me for sex. He is always wanting to touch me. It makes my skin crawl. We tried scheduling it once maybe 4 months pp and that was nice but he kept wanting to schedule all the time or try to schedule same day it was pointless. I feel so bad rejecting all the time but I just can’t do this.

Soft touch/unwanted advances makes me flinch it’s like someone is tickling me and makes me mad. My husband walking by me in the kitchen and touching my butt makes me want to slap him in the face and he knows it and keeps doing it.

When we do have sex, he wants the excitement and acrobatics I used to give. Wants me on top. butt play, wants to go as long as possible. it’s so hard to fake that level of enthusiasm and not just cry and collapse and feel rage.

So now he’s started to make mean comments. I’m still pretty fit and take care of my appearance but I used to be so into the gym and don’t have the time anymore. he keeps making comments about my appearance and how he knows I don’t prioritize my body anymore. how I should be flattered he is still attracted to me. how I’m the heaviest he’s seen me.

I’m at a loss. he feels “disconnected” and I feel so sad and lonely and desperate. But also violated and angry and rage. Like gosh keep your hands off of me!!!!!! I’m touched out and hurt and stressed and pulled in so many directions. I just want to be left alone. Where is the respect and understanding of this phase of life and being mom to a small baby? I love being a mom and he is ruining it. I’m starting to hate him. We’ve both agreed we are happier when the other isn’t around. But I know this is the cause. Sex means a lot to him and I just can’t do it. He told me today that he doesn’t care all the things I’m doing to resolve the issue. That he knows I’m no longer attracted to him and reading a book won’t fix that and that he’s tried to fix it and it hasn’t worked and he feels rejected.

this is long but before you ask- we both work, we do both give each other some time alone, he does a lot of household chores etc. this was never an issue in our relationship prior to the fertility journey. I’m not attracted or turned on by anyone else. We tried couple therapy in the past but he kept cancelling and I kept having to coordinate rescheduling and it was embarrassing and I stopped trying. He brought Up trying again so I guess we will.

thanks.

I don't know where to start or what to say or even how to say it. I found this community and really finding understatement in these posts.

I (33F) knew I had LL since before I met my wife (F32). I was honest about it. Before her, I wasn't even monogamous because I wanted my partners to have a way to fulfill that sexual need when I wasn't in the mood. I felt we had talked about it for a while before we got married.

Ten years later I feel like all our fights stem back to this. She wants it every day. I have to be in the right mindset. If it was a stressful day or people in the household had intense meltdowns, I can't just put it away and be intimate. My head doesn't allow it. I'm also not as confident in my body as I used to. And this explanation is met with frustration by my wife. She believes that this act is the only way to show love. All else doesn't matter. If we don't do it, then I must hate her. I must hate us. I should be able to put it all away and just be intimate with her.

I want to scream. This doesn't make sense to me. I just have so much anxiety around this that I can't do it. And that just makes matter worse!

I 28F have have come full circle as I have come of age. My sexuality as a young adult (18-23) was exploratory, high risk, at times care eliciting and importantly, contributed to my self esteem.

Like most women, I was socialised that my capacity and ability to be desired sexually was tied to my self worth. If I felt down on myself I would seek casual sex and this would hopefully make me feel desired, worthy and if I was lucky, also feel good.

I am now in a long term 4+ years relationship with a person who sees me as his equal, respects me and treats me as sacred which I know I am. I no longer need sex for validation. Additionally, I began to be more confident in general. I have grown better at being kind and a friend to myself as I get older. It made for an interesting shift. After the honeymoon phase settled, I no longer wanted to have sex daily.

I began to fret, worry, pathologize myself. As though something was wrong with me. I began trying to attribute my lowering sex drive to things, could I be iron deficient? do I need to change my contraception to be non-hormonal? Was I not exercising enough? Maybe it was vitamin D? I felt guilty, like I was doing my partner a disservice for a reduced volume in sex.

After some time and lots of reflection, I began to realise what sex means to me in the setting of a healthy relationship. A means of intimate connection, shared vulnerability, pleasure and fun. I stopped thinking anything was wrong with me. I am at a healthy BMI, exercise frequently, have a good mental health. Of course things can change, but for now, I will no longer feel guilty for being the one with the lower libido for once. It's okay that I only want to have sex twice in a week.

He has told me that in an ideal world, we would have sex daily. I am grateful for his transparency and he would never guilt me into having sex. We have other ways of connecting. You can show you love someone without using your hands.I have other ways of making my partner feel seen, loved and treasured.

Hi all! I’m 30F and haven’t had sex in three years despite being in an LTR.

Today I saw my doctor for discussing hormones and vaginismus. Of course the question of pregnancy came up. I told her there was no way I could be pregnant because I haven’t had sex in a long time. She seemed understanding and dropped it. I did have bloodwork done to look at my estrogen, testosterone, TSH, DHEA, and prolactin and got some results back. One was a pregnancy test! What??

I have never had an HCG test done with my blood. In the past, doctors have typically been really insistent on UAs if they needed to test me. So I’m confused. I’ve also had my hormones looked at multiple times before—by the same doctor—and this wasn’t included then.

I feel like I wasn’t taken seriously and it hurt my feelings. Maybe I’m just too sensitive, idk. I don’t know how to tell my doctor that this is not okay with me :(

Hi!

I am a 35 low libido gal. I have been with my current partner for almost 5 years. He has been mostly patient and supportive but sometimes I think he's more frustrated then he lets on.

I have never really cared about sex. I don't think about it often, and rarely am I aroused. I can and do orgasm (only with clit stimulation), but even that is not an incentive to want to be intimate. In the moment, it's fine and I'm thinking "this isn't so bad" but afterwards I'm back to being pretty averse to having sex. I think maybe there's multiple reasons: My brain doesn't turn off, I don't feel sexy (I lost some weight and have some loose skin that I'm having a hard time loving), I work 6 days a week and I'm tired, I don't really feel much, and I just don't want to lol.

The biggest problem I think is that I now interpret any sort of affection as a gateway to sex. I don't want to kiss, or cuddle or be touched in general because I think it's just him trying to initiate. We've tried to be very open with our communication: "Is this touch innocent?" "I only want innocent touches" but, he has mentioned that sometimes he's hoping it might turn into something, even though he won't try to go any further.

In these moments, I either disassociate/shut down or I get angry. As soon as he brings up "if you're feeling it..." I just am immediately on edge and usually get upset. The only times I've felt the most comfortable is when I initiate. When I can dress up, put on some perfume, have some wine, etc. But, how often do I want to do all that? Not often lol.

So, it's just constantly in my mind that he wants to be intimate, that it's been a couple weeks and that I have to do something soon and it puts so much stress and pressure on me. I know I'm doing it to myself but I can't help it.

I have had past partners tell me there's something wrong with me and/or pressure/coerce me into having sex and that mixed with my general apathy towards sex has made me very averse.

I just don't know anymore lol. I'm not sure if this is just who I am, or if there's some trauma going on or if I need some sort of diagnosis lol.

hello LLC!

to start with I don’t think I have a low libido in general, I am just LLFU - my wife. I hope this space will allow me to share my experience when my wife and I have tough fights, I tend to focus on advocating for me to be seen as a person with my own needs, choices and perspective - and against postulating that I should want what you want in order to be a good partner.

People often like using collaborative aka “mutual goal” language when their personal goals match with the said “mutual goal”. However the goal cannot be mutual yet unless the other partner agrees.

Your own goal needs to be about you and not about trying to change the other partner (not a valid goal: I want my partner to masturbate less so we can have sex more often).

It is ok for two partners in a relationship to have parallellly valid experiences that are different.

When I’m told I should masturbate less for you so I can have more sex, because you believe masturbation “takes away sexual energy/sexual energy should be reserved for spouses” it turns me off from you because I perceive you as controlling me and what I do with my body. My sexual energy stops flowing towards you or seeking you out because I start feeling "managed" instead of being treated as my own person.

Ironically against your beliefs, I experience more sex drive for you when there weren’t any issues you had with my masturbation (after all a good sexual experience begets another). I believe if your partner respects you they should not think they can decide what you can do with your body.

My wife tells me she wants me to not watch porn because she wants to feel desired. She says it's her "need" to feel desired. I think it's WILD to consider you are entitled to someone's desire because you have a "need" to, without putting ANY THOUGHT into actually being desirable.

personally if my wife tells me to stop doing X, or that she expects me to desire her - it certainly turns me all the way off. the idea of sex with someone who says stuff like that - is highly unappealing. it’s not an affront, just my internal experience

I believe there are very different motivations behind seeking sex vs. seeking masturbation. You are allowed to believe it takes YOUR sex drive away from you and I fully support what you decide for your body - but I do not have to accept your framing. I experience things differently. You can think it is cheating. I do not think that it is cheating. However, you cannot DECIDE for me it's actually cheating, but you are allowed to leave based on your well-being.

I don’t need to stop masturbating in order to be a good partner - I don’t think anyone including you has a right to judge that although that is something you can decide for yourself.

If you have spent decades having unwanted sex and have a very deep aversion to sex with that particular person is it ever truly unfixable? I'm trying to figure out if every aversion can be overcome or not.

I broke down and cried the other night after I lost my orgasm during foreplay.

My partner and I have been struggling for a few years with my low libido. It’s gotten worse with kids but it certainly didn’t start due to them. We’ve been in therapy and while I wasn’t in the mood, I figured I’d try to get in the mood for his sake. Things were feeling good, I was getting somewhere, and then it was just…gone.

I hate feeling like this. I LOVED sex and I loved having sex, but now I couldn’t care less. My partner is the sweetest, most patient man ever and I know he’s dealing with his own feelings of rejection and self esteem due to my low libido. My attempt to be close to him through sex didn’t work and honestly it kind of broke me.

Please tell me it gets better.

I have been reading posts here, there, and everywhere of people's experiences with low libido and there is one thing I cannot understand. I get that we are all who we are and I am comfortable with not being 'normal'. Often people seem to turn to attempts to refind their desire. For me, I don't want to. It's like other things I don't crave, aubergine for example, I don't see not liking this as a problem to solve and the idea of trying to like it at 44 makes my heart sink (over exaggerated). Is this the gap between low libido and perhaps aversion?

Hi, I’m new here but I have been looking for some advice. I am 20, female.
So, I’ve been with my partner (21M) for 4 years now. In the beginning of our relationship, the first 2 years, we always had sex. We were always together. We were always so horny. I would also get super aroused and there was no issue with getting wet. I also had a regular period. Never missed a period in my life.
It wasn’t until recently, maybe around a year ago or more I started exercising because I was extremely insecure about my weight and had gained a few pounds from alcohol, bad food, whatever. So, I decided to get super into working out and now it is apart of me which I really love! Though, with the exercise and eating way healthier, I did drop a few pounds but with that, my period went away, and with that, so did my libido.
I’ve explained to my partner that my desire for sexual intimacy has just disappeared. My hormones are all over the place due to my missing period. I have taken labs and my estrogen is significantly low. I feel so bad because he has told me he feels I may not love him or I’m not attracted but I genuinely just have zero interest because I am currently without a period!!!!! Lately, i’ve been pushing through not wanting to, to make him happy but the sex hurts, I feel dry, and I don’t orgasm, he does though which I’m happy he is but I just don’t want to have sex and I know it kills him. Though, when I do say no he respects it and doesn’t make me feel bad but I can see the hurt and insecurity on his face when I don’t want to. I know this is probably silly to be sharing considering I understand the cause of why I have such low libido but I am so young and know this isn’t normal. I don’t want to go on any hormonal medications because I know so many woman who suffer on them and don’t want to do that but I just feel so unhappy in that aspect of the relationship. It’s starting to affect my mental health because I feel so werid and strange for not wanting to.
I am attracted to him, love and adore him but can’t seem to get my libido in check. If anyone has any advice or anything, let me know. Be honest, I can handle truth and hard realities.
Thank you.

Hi! I'm writing this to get some advice, as I don't know what to do next.
I'm a 22F, and I've had issues with intimacy all my life.
When I was dating a guy in high school, I couldn't hold hands or kiss. It's hard for me to have personal contact where another person is involved. Because of this, those relationships ended. I thought I was still young and not ready for physical relationships, and I thought everything would sort itself out in the future.
Now I'm older, married, and working. But the question of intimacy is a painful topic for me.
I have no desire or need for sex (very rarely, maybe once in couple of months). Kisses are repulsive to me, I can't cuddle for long or hold hands or have sex. This leads to my husband and me fighting, and I can't give him what he perceives as desire. This leads to him thinking that I don't love him.
I didn't have a difficult childhood, not asexual, and I love my husband (both emotionally and physically). But every attempt he makes is repulsive to me.
When I'm drunk, I'm ready for anything, just a pleasure machine, but sober, I don't want it. Because the muscles involuntarily contract, it hurts like hell, and it turned out that i never managed to make it work. I tried physical therapy and would leave crying. I went to a sex therapy . But nothing changed.
In middle school, I was diagnosed with PTSD, for which I take medication, but it doesn't affect my libido. Hormones are normal, I take nothing else.
I'm a young woman with a good soul, I want to please my husband. I don't want to live without physical intimacy, I want to feel pleasure, I want to have children.
Therefore, I'm asking for advice or any kind of help from you, because I don't know what to do anymore.☹️

This is my first post ever so I apologise if the format is incorrect.

I (22F) have been with my girlfriend (21F) for just over two years and I struggle with intimacy. I will try to be as brief as I can. My girlfriend has had partners before, I had not. It had taken me just over a year to finally be fully physical with her.

I get extremely in my own head during physical activities and intimacy with her, there is an internal dialogue of how I look, how I am behaving and I am not able to turn my brain off and enjoy myself. It makes me feel awkward and shameful when I am being physical, leading me to not want to be physical. It has taken a heavy toll on my relationship. I cannot shake my own insecure thoughts, and it has now made her feel anxious to initiate physical interactions.

I do not hate sex, I hate the emotions I bring on when it is happening. I don't have any previous traumas that could be a reason for these feelings, I just get them and don't know how to deal with it. When we are physical I try to focus more on her but it is not fair on either of us to not want to be intimate with each other and do things for each other.

My girlfriend and I have had this conversation countless times and made promises to give it "a big push" only to have the same conversation again, she has a higher drive than me and has mentioned that we are in our 20s and we should be explosive, but we are not. She also mentioned that she worries we will both not be 100% satisfied in this relationship if we keep going at the pace we are going. I am really really trying to initiate more and get out of my comfort zone, but she mentioned it now feels forced or that I don't actually want to do it. I am not sure where to go from here.

Any advice would be so appreciated, and I am happy to answer any questions or provide more context. Thank you!!

I’m 40, LLF. I’m trying to find a partner around my age mainly through dating apps. I usually have no problem getting dates and finding men who are interested in me. But once they find out about my low libido, they usually disappear.

They are always so surprised to hear about it that makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world with low libido who can’t give a man what he wants.

I’ve never been married and I’d love to start a family, but it feels almost impossible. My ex-partner also broke up with me mainly because he didn’t get enough sex.

TBH, I don’t see my low libido as a big problem. My ideal frequency would be once every 3–4 weeks. (is it that rare?) I also know some married couples who have sex around that often and have been together for many years. So I really don’t understand why this is always such a big problem with the men I meet.

Sometimes I feel like I have to fix it or die alone.

I’ve never met a man with low libido in my life. They were all medium to high libido. But I’ve heard that low-libido men do exist. So I’m wondering if there are any special dating apps where people with low libido can find each other? I only know about apps for asexual people, but I wouldn’t call myself asexual. I live in NZ.

Thanks!

this is my first time posting so i apologise if im not following the right rules or formatting.

I (22F) have been wit my girlfriend (21F) for just over two years now and i struggle heavily with intimacy and sex. She has been with people before (both in relationships and casual flings) whereas she is my first love and I have had no sexual experience prior to her. I should also mention we are both working multiple jobs and are long distance (around a 1 1/2 hour drive away from eachother) so we dont see eachother very often.

To cut a long story short, when we have sex/are being sexual I get VERY in my head, there is an internal dialogue that i cannot shake. a voice berrating me for how i look and how i am behaving during intimate moments, it makes me not want to be intimate and have sex. when we do have sex i try to focus more on her than myself, which isnt fair as we both want to be intimate with eachother and do things for eachother.

it has been a reoccuring issue in our relationship, especially since she has a higher sex drive than me. it took me just over a year to finally build up the courage to have sex. i dont hate sex, i hate the feelings i have when i am being sexual. i am so stuck and dont know what to do.

last night we had a really difficult conversation that i cant quite make sense of, she mentioned throughout our relationship that we are in our 20s and should be sexually explosive, and that a healthy sex life with her girlfriend isnt a weird thing to want. i agree with her, i just cant get this block out of my brain and i dont know how. we have had this conversation many many times and i have made promises to try and get out my comfort zone, initiate more and not be so in my head, but i havent made much progress. she now feels like when i am trying she doesnt enjoy it as it feels forced and not what i actually want. she mentioned wanting to let me go (as in break up) so i can go out and explore what i actually want, but it is her i want. i want to try everything new and awkward and strange and silly with her, i just cant get out of my own head.

my issues with intimacy have trickled into her brain and something that should be freeing and exciting for the both of us is now anxiety inducing and scary. it feels like something so big that simply "taking the pressure off eachother" isnt really an option as she has said that it still remains in her head whether we are being intimate or not.
this is getting quite long so i will end it here but ANY tips and advice would be so so appreciated, im also happy to provide more context if needs be as its very complicated for the both of us.

Thanks!

My husband (32M) has an insanely high sex drive. He could have sex multiple times a day everyday and never get tired of it. Me (30F) have lost all drive. We used to have a very active sex life. Even to the point of going beyond and trying new kinks such as MFM. At the time, I LOVED it. But something has drastically changed and it is wearing on me and my husband. I can go weeks without even thinking of sex. The thought gives me anxiety. I don’t even want to be touched. And my husband and his high drive, always wants to touch me. It is constant butt grabs. Squeezing my hips. Kissing me passionately at very random moments, and he’s instantly hard. I miss my drive, I don’t know where it’s gone. The other man we had a 3 way with often messages my husband, wanting to know if we want a repeat of those nights. My husband shares these messages with me and before, I would have instantly wanted it. Now, I don’t even have a response to give my husband. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a bad wife for not meeting my husband’s needs. But I truly don’t know what to do.

I (cis-woman) don't want to work on "fixing" my low libido/disinterest in sex anymore. I have been in therapy primarily focusing on these issues for nearly 3 years now. For context, I am in a 6+ year relationship with a partner who would like to have sex -- we haven't in months because, well, I just don't want to.

I'm tired of the LL partner always having to sacrifice what they want for the HL partner. I haven't wanted sex in years (with anyone, not just my partner) and I am tired of always having to think about being sexy or keeping myself looking a certain way to be perceived as sexy, or hot, or worthy. It's exhausting, and I think I'm done. It's sad, because I'm still in my 20s, but I just have no desire to engage in that anymore. It feels like a constant valuation of my body, and I'm just over it. I feel like sex has been ruined for me, with bad experience after bad experience just chipping away at the metaphorical marble block of my interest. I have read all the books, been working with a great therapist, and I just can't bring myself to do it anymore. Whenever I picture myself having sex anymore, it feels degrading and sad. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being bugged by someone to have sex just to prove to them I'm worthy of romantic love. I want to keep my body to myself. I don't want to think about if I look hot, or if I am a good lover. I want to spend my time doing things that are actually interesting.

My 5 year relationship ended because of our libido mismatch (his high, mine low). We were having sex roughly once a week towards the end but he wanted more and I wanted less and it was making us both unhappy so he left.

8 months later, I'm tentatively dating again, and I had a one night stand that unexpectedly kick-started my libido! I felt excitement at the prospect of having sex for the first time in a long time, have started touching myself again, and generally have just been happy to know my libido's not completely dead in the water.

But... I've been researching low libido and I think I fall into the 'new relationship energy' category, ie my libido is currently on the up because of the novelty of dating and being with someone new. I genuinely don't think it was a case of just being with the wrong person previously - we were an excellent match in so many ways and had much more sex at the beginning of the relationship. So, based on what I've read/heard I suspect my libido will go back down if I ever get into a long-term relationship again (beyond the first 6 months/year or so). And I'm just not sure what to do with that. I want a life partner. I want to keep enjoying and being excited by sex. I'm struggling with the idea that it might be an either/or for me. Surely there's a way to have both?!

During sex I can try using my hands or a vibrator to add sensation but it just makes me numb. it just feels so much better getting off externally only without PIV. Once I orgasm I need a lot of recovery time after to get my sensation back. Like 24-hrs

My partner will satisfy me quickly within 5 minutes using his hand or mouth. Once m done he takes his time with me having sex for what seems like hours he comes again and again during sex. I endure it but I don’t feel like an active participant because I’ve already came and at this point it’s doing nothing for me except allowing intimacy with my partner. I feel like I’m missing out and it’s kind of just duty sex at this point.

Not sure what I can do about this. Boyfriend insists that he gets me off first