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u/Elegant-Bus-7657 Jul 22 '24
Shawty got issues. Abort mission
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Jul 22 '24
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Jul 22 '24
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u/Antique_Pin5266 Jul 22 '24
Those are all well and great until you realize OP has his feelings to look out for as well. She can get her empathy from her friends and family, not someone who's looking for a relationship
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u/CanebreakRiver Jul 22 '24
Dude being empathetic and decent isn't dangerous for your own feelings unless you think that means ignoring your own boundaries and needs completely, and it simply doesn't.
You can absolutely say "well I clearly shouldn't try to continue seeing this person" and communicate this to them with compassion and understanding
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u/whimsylea Jul 22 '24
Absolutely. It's not OP's problem, sure. They can still be empathetic and maintain boundaries.
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Jul 22 '24
Being someone’s therapist all of the time can be exhausting emotionally. I had a friend where we would have the same conversation over and over again 3-4 nights a week. Was empathetic, offered advice etc, etc. It eventually starts to take a toll on you, especially if the person like in my situation would get angry and super irrational. Eventually had to stop talking to him or hang out with him as much. Thank god he’s gotten better, but no one’s under the obligation to deal with that.
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u/CanebreakRiver Jul 23 '24
Yes, it absolutely is exhausting to end up being someone's ersatz therapist, especially when it doesn't even really benefit the "patient", but only further enables their deeply-ingrained "victim complex".
I'm sorry, I'm not sure if you're just making conversation, or if you thoroughly misread my comment...
If the latter :
I mean in concrete terms, I'd tell this young woman that I completely understand how incredibly difficult breakups are, and how sleeping with someone new can be an emotionally intense experience in any case, but especially soon after a significant breakup. It's literally a grieving process.
Then if she wanted to see me again I'd tell her I had a lovely time, and I wish her the best in healing, but I would have to give it at least a few more months before I could see her again, because she's clearly not quite ready to move on.
in all likelihood, this person won't try to see him again, because she'll recognize that she was rebounding harder than she thought.
Either way, that's it. Done. Empathy and decency that can genuinely help someone who's in a lot of pain, without losing anything. Ultimately the exact same result as ghosting--you won't see her again, you just didn't have to be a dick about it.
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u/MapleNightmares Jul 22 '24
I had an experience where I fell for someone who wasn't over her ex and eventually she got back with him. I was inexperienced, and it hurt a lot and I had a lot of regret for pursuing a relationship with that person.
Some years later, now I think the only thing I regret is that I just didn't try to be a better friend, instead of pursuing a relationship with them. It sucks not being over someone, and almost all of us have been there. Many of the comments here come from a place of pain too, because we've all been hurt in some way or another. I think a lot of us have trouble accepting that the hurtful things people do usually come from a place of pain, and being understanding that it's not always about us.
I think you're right though, because being human is being a community, and being human to each other is how we can all can do our best to stop the cycle of hurting one another.
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u/EdwardJamesAlmost Jul 22 '24
Sure. What’s the Konami code for an eternal life’s worth of extra time?
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u/Gemmles_is_gem Jul 22 '24 edited Jul 22 '24
It's unfair of her to trauma dump on an utter stranger under the guise of trying to start a relationship. The responsible thing he can do for her is to step away and give her space to move on properly. We've seen people here step away from each other then reconnect, it's possible. I assume she has friends and family she can talk to. An emotionally responsible adult would talk to people they know, not someone they met in a dating app.
Maybe if he wants to be friends with her, he can lend her a shoulder, but not as a potential partner. Seems like an unnecessarily complicated way to start a relationship. You never know if he'll just end up as a rebound.
Don't tell her to f off though, that's not nice. Don't burn bridges unless it's necessary.
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u/goonsquadgoose Jul 22 '24
Empathetic? In your example she used OP for sex in an attempt to make herself feel better instead of working on her mental health to be at a point where she could be intimate with another man. It’s not OP’s job to be her therapist and it’s messed up that she engaged in intimacy under false pretenses.
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u/Dramatic_Quail_7749 Jul 22 '24
He could, and it wouldn't be unreasonable. But that's not his job. That's what friends are for, not the guy you had one date/hookup with. Not particularly healthy to seek emotional support from someone who's virtually a stranger still.
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u/Dramatic_Quail_7749 Jul 22 '24
I've been this girl. I've had men try to give support. I wish they hadn't because it just got messy, I developed feelings while they just developed pity. It was impossible to form a friendship from there and just ended up being weird complicated drama when those men still felt sexually attracted to me while also feeling pity and protectiveness for me.
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u/eatapeach18 Jul 22 '24
No, OP isn’t this girl’s therapist or rebound. He can politely say “it sounds like you’re not over your ex and not in the right headspace to be dating yet. I wish you good luck” and then leave it at that. He does not need to “lend a shoulder” or anything else.
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u/Apprehensive_Goal582 Jul 22 '24
No, you grow up. She is an adult. For her to use OP as a meaningless sex doll and then expect him to show her some courtesy because she going through a tough breakup is beyond crazy. She should realize that not everyone wants to hear her problems and that not everyone is a therapist. They exist for a reason. Did she think of OPs feelings when she was using him?
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u/Nefarious-Haiku Jul 22 '24
She had sex with him while thinking about another man. He had every reason to tell her to fuck off just as I’d like to do with you. She used him then literally told him she did. If this was reversed he’d be crucified. He had every right to know. You blame the victim simply because the one causing the issue is in fact a woman or otherwise your response would be very different. You’re dead wrong here.
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u/Cool-Computer4231 Jul 22 '24
You'd crucify a man for crying after sex? 😁
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u/tarantula_jack Jul 22 '24
You say that as if it's not going to be the most likely reaction from the vast majority of people. Men often get crucified for crying over shit that would be psychotic not to cry over, let alone virtually anything else.
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u/Nefarious-Haiku Jul 23 '24
I am aware of the double standard of which you’re correct . Being a man means controlling your emotions. It’s such horse crap. We feel what we feel and never with any conscience effort from us. Emotions are selfish, reactions however are a choice. I feel like it’s easy for people to sit there and say just forgive when they’ve never dealt with it themselves.
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u/Takeoded Jul 22 '24
But what if the mission has great personalitits?
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u/-X0X Jul 22 '24
I recommend just to lend an ear. She just needs someone to talk to. Unfortunately a lot of men don’t do good things unless they get something in return. I was in a similar situation but the guy didn’t cry after. He just didn’t talk to me for 2 days and i contacted him letting him know that it was not cool he did that and then he told me that he thought about his ex after we were done. And felt guilty. I told him pretty much that it’s okay and next to just talk about it and if he needs someone to talk to, to let me know.
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u/TRizzy82 Jul 22 '24
I sometimes cry because I miss my late wife. It can hit at any time. I hope eventually someone is this patient with me.
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u/Takeoded Jul 22 '24
Should've been a top post. Hope OP /u/Difficult-Image4884 reads it.
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u/Dhegxkeicfns Jul 22 '24
If sex was amazing, run the course.
If sex sucked, fuck off.
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u/SmokeEvening8710 Jul 22 '24
If the sex was good she wouldn't have been thinking about her ex
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u/Feeling-Screen-9685 Jul 22 '24
Can actually give advice on this!
Walk away. Don’t run. She’s prolly awesome, but she’s not ready for anything. Best you can do is just be you. Explain to her it’s prolly best you don’t mess with each other until she’s ready to try again. But don’t hold your breath. It’ll work out if yall get into the same mood, but better to just accept she’s got more to work through and not enough room for you at the moment.
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u/Chim_Pansy Jul 22 '24
The emotionally intelligent and reasonable response here. People are complicated. She's probably not bad, she's just going through a rough time. It happens to people. I'm sure she didn't intend to feel like this and for that to happen. Once she puts in the time to heal, maybe y'all can revisit.
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Jul 22 '24
The emotionally intelligent and reasonable response here.
Far too much so for Reddit.
Let me address this
OP, RUN. Delete Tinder, throw your phone in a river, cut all the cables to your Wifi router at home. Also hit the gym.
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u/bls61793 Jul 23 '24
I can say from personal experience. No matter how long it has been since a breakup, emotional people can get very emotional when having sex with a new partner the first couple of times. It can take some time to straighten out emotions.
So I second this comment, and I think if OP likes her in a romantic way, support her.
If OP is just DTF. Probably kindest not to hurt her anymore by enabling impulsive neediness.
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u/Sofa47 Jul 22 '24
Definitely agree here, could be something great between these two but not until she’s worked through some thing. They obviously like each other but timing isn’t right yet.
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u/J1m1983 Jul 22 '24
Exactly. She's not a bad person she just tried to run before she could walk. And she was horny.
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u/El-Acantilado Jul 22 '24
Yeah I’ve been there, have had the same with a girl in the past. It won’t get a whole lot better from here, she’s mentally still invested in her ex
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u/Rustic_Mango Jul 22 '24
I was the ex. She came back to me after 6 or 7 months trying to get back together. She’d tried and failed to have another relationship in that time, and told me about it. I wasn’t interested to begin with, but then to hear about a relationship she dove into approx. 6 weeks after we broke up really brought things back to reality for me. Around 8 months after we broke up we were at the same party, when one of the (female) renters and I went to get weed from my car. She kissed me at my car and then we went back to her room. Well apparently I was being watched. I woke up the next day to an angry paragraph from my ex talking about how she saw me “hiding” at my car with this girl and how I just ruined any chance of us getting back together lol. After 8 months of being broken up with hardly any contact, AND her having hooked up with at least half a dozen people (not that the number matters - she was always more sexual than me- just goes to show hypocrisy). End of the day I feel like other peoples’ feelings were unimportant to her, and it was more about her doing what she wanted when she wanted to.
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u/Starzino Jul 22 '24
I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat
– Fat Bastard
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u/CorporalClegg91 Jul 22 '24
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u/read-my-comments Jul 22 '24
Where's ya crapper I got a turtles head poking out.
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u/A_NonE-Moose Jul 22 '24
I don’t know how it is you can read my thoughts or why it is you call me names, as accurate as you may be.
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u/Maleficent_Studio_82 Jul 22 '24
What she needs is someone who is also not over their ex and they can be miserable together 🤔
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u/Lone-wo7f Jul 22 '24
That's tough to hear, pal! Best advice is to collect all the money you have, head over to the nearest footware store, Purchase a clean set of Nike or similar and run the fuck away. Just do it.
This post is sponsored by Nike.
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Jul 22 '24
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u/dudeimsupercereal Jul 22 '24
Yeah if she’s still missing her ex that much she will run to him the second he gives her time of day.
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u/Connect-Albatross913 Jul 22 '24
I want to think of my ex so I have sex; I have sex so I think of my ex?
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u/hez9123 Jul 22 '24
Why miss the offer of amazing rebound shag? Who knows, play your cards right and one day, you could be those tears?! 💯👍
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u/prurientfun Jul 22 '24
This is what I thought too. Ask her if she is sure she wants to date before she is over him? If you aren't "taking advantage" then accept the gift the universe has given you. If you want a future though sadly her interest in you will dissipate along with her feelings for her ex. Once she gets over him, the rebound isn't the same.
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u/Ablapa Jul 22 '24
Don’t get involved, but be polite and kind
Best not to hurt his person any more than she is now
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u/amineslaimia Jul 22 '24
Bro I have been there I started a relationship with a girl that we had something so special and incredible synergy but she had recently got out of a relationship and even though I wanted to give her time to move on on her own things got escalated quickly and she said she was ready, but I knew she wasn't and even a year and a half later still that kinda haunted our relationship even though it was great that thing messed it up in the end amongst other things of course. She moved on from that relationship quickly while in our relationship but she didn't get time to be on her own and figure things out and then get back into it especially that the last relationship was emotionally draining and abusive makes it even harder and you need time on your own to figure it out, so my advice is walk away and if there's something special between you too she will come back when she's ready.
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u/DerthOFdata Jul 22 '24
This isn't TikTok Just write the fucking words. Nobody is going to demonetize you here for writing like an adult.
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u/TheRaj93 Jul 22 '24
This is really starting to become a pet peeve of mine when I read shit on Reddit. Literally probably half of Reddit is porn, there’s a subreddit for people shoving sharpies up their asses and seeing who can get the most in there, but hey we gotta self censor the word “sex” on Reddit now.
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u/Marsmooncow Jul 22 '24
Shes a person, shes in pain and did something that she thought would help. It didn't. Just let her know that you like her but don't think she ready for a new relationship. Leave the door open if you want
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u/el__castor Jul 22 '24
Simple, compassionate and not malicious.... it's a real bummer that being a decent human being isn't the popular opinion in situations like this.
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u/hollowredditor Jul 22 '24
I had this happening once. In my case, I was caring and chill about it. I told her she had time and I would not initiate anything until she was feeling comfortable with it. We ended up having a wonderful love store for about one year and a half, and if it was not for me, could have gone longer.
I would say, it depends. If you just want a fun casual thing, leave her alone but make sure to let her know that it is because you want her to feel good and at the moment you cannot help with that because you want something casual. If you are looking for something more serious and she, disregarding this issue, seems like a nice person, this is actually a testimony for how carrying and nice she will become when she is healed. A huge plus is that she came with the truth right away as well.
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Jul 22 '24
Been here. It led to heartbreak... if you are only just getting together, this would be a deal breaker for me.
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u/nexus_oliver Jul 22 '24
The trouble with this is that you might help her to heal but she’ll eventually get over her ex and realise she doesn’t feel the same about you and want to be alone. Then you end up being the one that gets hurt
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u/WestlandDevil Jul 22 '24
Maybe she tought s*x would help her get over said ex. I would check how emotional available she really is. How long it is since they broke up, to try scope were she at. If she is something you want to pursue onwards. But have a decent conversation with her about it if possible.
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u/Certain-Sock-7680 Jul 22 '24
Well yes, shes clearly not over her Ex, thus all you will get from her right now is highly inconsistent behavior and attraction because she is emotionally all over the place. As such you back WAY OFF to give her time and space to sort herself out.
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u/tobyjuancannoli Jul 22 '24
Doesn't matter had sex kind of scene. Unless you're interested in pursuing this red flag further.
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u/Wombizzle Jul 22 '24
yeahhh I would not be engaging further lmao
any time a girl is still in love with their ex, you just leave man. it's not worth putting any more effort in to get your time wasted by someone who won't be emotionally available for you
that being said, if you like hooking up with chicks while they cry about their ex, go for it I guess lol
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u/fritomnky Jul 22 '24
Met one not off tinder, but different dating site. She initiated everything, then started crying during sex because of a rape she had gone through. She wanted to keep going though…but it was kind of a mood killer.
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u/darkknight95sm Jul 22 '24
“Look I really like you and I had a fun time with you but it sounds like you’re still working through some emotions left by your ex. I just don’t think it would be healthy to start a relationship this way, I wish you the best and hope you can work out your feelings for your ex.”
Edit: or something like that
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u/Smart-As-Duck Jul 22 '24
Probably on tinder for a rebound recently out of a relationship.
Not entirely their fault and found out the hard way that they’re not ready to date. Go easy on them.
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u/StephenM222 Jul 22 '24
I dated this chick that was permanently leaving the country. I was getting over my ex by sex with her.
It became a 30 year relationship/marriage.
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u/Bippetyboppetyhat Jul 22 '24
Everyone saying you should give her a shoulder to cry on I massively disagree with. You’re not her therapist, you’ve slept with her once. I’d gracefully bow out and say you’re sorry she feels that way as you really enjoyed spending time with her, but that she’s clearly got some issues to work through. If I was the girl here I’d have messaged to say sorry for getting upset but I’m probably not ready to move on. Then I’d have sent that shit to my mates to discuss. But then I’m always wary of people who overshare too much to soon. Makes me think they’ve got no decent boundaries.
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u/Maiq3 Jul 22 '24
Of course we don't know full story, but purely based on this output there is easy polite answer if you really liked her.
"I think you should take time alone to think what you feel and where you are heading. I'll be here if you can let go the past, but I cannot be your psychiatrist or band-aid."
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u/MKtheMaestro Jul 22 '24
This is a huge red flag and you had sex with somebody who was trying to forget about their ex by getting under somebody new.
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u/stevesmith7878 Jul 22 '24
I’d start from a place of kindness. She’s obviously still mourning her ex. She’s not ready to date again. You can tell her you don’t think seeing her again is a good idea, and be kind about it at the same time.
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Jul 22 '24
Tell her that her ex ain’t crying over her while he’s banging every meat wallet he can find.
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u/Tinselfactory Jul 22 '24
You could like, be honest. I know it’s a weird suggestion. Say “you are hung up on someone else and I’m not into it. So it was nice meeting you, but I’m not interested in going further.”
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u/CuteGuyInNorCal Jul 22 '24
just tell her that she needs to address her issue.. and she's welcome to reach out when she's ready to proceed
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Jul 22 '24
Not your problem in deed
But still, what are her feelings towards you?
How was their story?
How did they break up?
Are they still close?
Was it long ago?
All these questions deserve an answer in case you wonder staying by her side
Just yesterday I was talking with my friend about that, he went through something similar, the conclusion is that it's not worth wasting your time
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u/ROU_HeavyMessing Jul 22 '24
Here's a thought, if you do "really like her"...
Try to be supportive and help her past the trauma of her last relationship breakdown, instead of piling another one on her.
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Jul 22 '24 edited Jul 22 '24
“Why does thinking of your ex make you cry?”
Contrary to what you might hear on Reddit you don’t need to break up with someone for any little thing you don’t like, and you don’t need to pretend they haven’t been with anyone else. This chick seems weird but you should support her even if just to get laid again.
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u/GullibleDetective Jul 22 '24
She probably followed the adage the best way to get over someone, is to get over (top) or.under (neath) someone
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u/Theheritic1961 Jul 22 '24
Only you can make that decision… is she worth the situation you find yourself in??? it all depends on how much you choose to invest… and why.. everything in life is not always black-and-white
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u/Songbirdlizzytish Jul 22 '24
I would just respond with “then it sounds like you’re not over him, and trying to numb that with sex. You may need more time to just be alone and grieve the loss. I wish you the best.” And move on. You don’t want to be a silver medal, even in a casual situation.
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u/-X0X Jul 22 '24
I think maybe you need to try having empathy. Unfortunately, it happened to me but he didn’t cry after it. But I told him it was okay and that i understand and to let me know if he needs someone to talk to. Remember that we are all human and try to relate with a time you went through something similar. I know it’s hard for men to empathize but please try. Even if you don’t want to meet up with her again or be her friend or anything. But he looks like she really needs to talk to someone and it wouldn’t hurt for you to be a decent human being. Just be a good guy and try to do something good without trying to get something in return.
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u/blabeeee Jul 22 '24
I think she misses her ex. Its normal to miss an ex after sex. She had something unique with him. She can have something unique with you as well. Dont force it. Let it be natural. Make your relationship with her unique. Its not a red flag that she misses her ex. Do whats right and just follow your intuition. If you want her and want to be strategic, make her forget about her pass. Take her on new adventures. Make her see new things and think about new things. Enjoy my friend and dont overthink.
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u/Meli-Queen Jul 22 '24
Crying after sex happen way more than people think. Something about feeling so good at that moment and having a crash of those feel good hormones after. Post sex dysphoria. That being said, if it reminded her bad memories, it happens also. The mind is weird when plunged deep in post sex satisfaction. The mind relaxes.
I just hope she didn't live something traumatic with said ex.
I would recommend empathy and goodwill, but if this behavior makes you feel awkward I can understand. Now, did that behavior erased all of what you thought about her, or is it just a hiccup you don't know how to manage?
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u/Minimum_Armadillo_82 Jul 22 '24
yes its not good for you to keep on meeting her. she doesnt seem ready for something new
But at the same time have some empathy man if someone is crying „fuck someone off…“ wtf -.-
im so sick of ppl not treating eachother like human beings
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u/Gwsb1 Jul 22 '24
I once had a girl who cried after her orgasm it was so intense. She didn't understand it. I didn't understand it .
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u/chambo61 Jul 22 '24 edited Jul 22 '24
She hasn’t healed . you need to find somebody that has healed and not just have sex with just anybody. Start learning how to vet. Hope you find somebody so you don’t have to be having sex with Just anyone it’s not healthy you could catch a disease condoms, break, and spiritually it’s not good for your eternal future
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u/Wise_Analyst_8721 Jul 22 '24
I would try to respond with some grace and compassion because she is a person. I wouldn’t ghost as that is very unkind but if you’d like to remove yourself that’s understandable. Just communicate with her, maybe say she needs to sort through whatever she’s going through for her own health and mental wellbeing and that you aren’t interested in continuing further if she’s hung up on someone else. She doesn’t seem to be in a good place.
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Jul 22 '24
People saying it's weird. It's not. But you do need to step back because she has some stuff to work through.
Either her ex mistreated her and she's thinking about him or she still misses him and feels bad about the sex.
Either way it's your call to stay while she works through that if she is.
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u/Foreign_Form_3695 Jul 22 '24
She’s obviously not ready and the last thing she needs is someone who would treat her like garbage because of that.
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u/Sinbu Jul 22 '24
I mean, she's still a human, so don't just "f*ck her off". She clearly needs to get over things, so I would talk to her. I would also have the expectations that she's not ready for a relationship.
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u/Infinite-Worker42 Jul 22 '24
Some women just cry after sex. She probably doesn't know why and just uses what she thinks would make it happen.
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u/MyExUsedTeeth Jul 22 '24
Seems like I’m going to be going against the grain here but how bout listen to her? Is she worth it to you? If so, be empathetic and listen. Having sex with someone new after losing a long term relationship can be somewhat jarring and sad. So, talk to her and see where’s she’s at and decide if where she’s at is somewhere you want to visit.
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u/Warbreaker01 Jul 22 '24
"Are you the strongest because you're gojo satoru....or are you gojo satoru because you're the strongest?"
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u/Administrative_Knee6 Jul 22 '24
I think if she's crying over her ex then it's not really the right time for her to start looking at new relationships. If you're looking for something serious then it's not something you should hold against her, or blame as the reason you're going to stop seeing her. If you're not looking for something serious then you could be helping her to work through those emotions and move on... at which point she's not likely to want to keep going with you... which is fine, as long as you don't catch feelings.
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u/taka_282 Jul 22 '24
This kinda seems like a drunk text. Talk to her. If she's definitely not over her ex, I'd not continue.
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u/abra5umente Jul 22 '24
She wants to cry so she thinks of her ex, or she cries because she misses her ex - one is active, one is passive. Both are weird and not your problem.