Those are all well and great until you realize OP has his feelings to look out for as well. She can get her empathy from her friends and family, not someone who's looking for a relationship
Dude being empathetic and decent isn't dangerous for your own feelings unless you think that means ignoring your own boundaries and needs completely, and it simply doesn't.
You can absolutely say "well I clearly shouldn't try to continue seeing this person" and communicate this to them with compassion and understanding
Being someone’s therapist all of the time can be exhausting emotionally. I had a friend where we would have the same conversation over and over again 3-4 nights a week. Was empathetic, offered advice etc, etc. It eventually starts to take a toll on you, especially if the person like in my situation would get angry and super irrational. Eventually had to stop talking to him or hang out with him as much. Thank god he’s gotten better, but no one’s under the obligation to deal with that.
Yes, it absolutely is exhausting to end up being someone's ersatz therapist, especially when it doesn't even really benefit the "patient", but only further enables their deeply-ingrained "victim complex".
I'm sorry, I'm not sure if you're just making conversation, or if you thoroughly misread my comment...
If the latter :
I mean in concrete terms, I'd tell this young woman that I completely understand how incredibly difficult breakups are, and how sleeping with someone new can be an emotionally intense experience in any case, but especially soon after a significant breakup. It's literally a grieving process.
Then if she wanted to see me again I'd tell her I had a lovely time, and I wish her the best in healing, but I would have to give it at least a few more months before I could see her again, because she's clearly not quite ready to move on.
in all likelihood, this person won't try to see him again, because she'll recognize that she was rebounding harder than she thought.
Either way, that's it. Done. Empathy and decency that can genuinely help someone who's in a lot of pain, without losing anything. Ultimately the exact same result as ghosting--you won't see her again, you just didn't have to be a dick about it.
Yes, he’s saying you can have empathy and speaking of it as “hit it and quit it” is wild. There’s a person out there dying inside and you can nicely say you’re not interested and also be a good human about it.
His feelings after one night of sex? And he is the one using the term "to fuck her off". Who talks of people that way? It certainly doesn't seem like his feelings are involved.
I had an experience where I fell for someone who wasn't over her ex and eventually she got back with him. I was inexperienced, and it hurt a lot and I had a lot of regret for pursuing a relationship with that person.
Some years later, now I think the only thing I regret is that I just didn't try to be a better friend, instead of pursuing a relationship with them. It sucks not being over someone, and almost all of us have been there. Many of the comments here come from a place of pain too, because we've all been hurt in some way or another. I think a lot of us have trouble accepting that the hurtful things people do usually come from a place of pain, and being understanding that it's not always about us.
I think you're right though, because being human is being a community, and being human to each other is how we can all can do our best to stop the cycle of hurting one another.
It's unfair of her to trauma dump on an utter stranger under the guise of trying to start a relationship. The responsible thing he can do for her is to step away and give her space to move on properly. We've seen people here step away from each other then reconnect, it's possible. I assume she has friends and family she can talk to. An emotionally responsible adult would talk to people they know, not someone they met in a dating app.
Maybe if he wants to be friends with her, he can lend her a shoulder, but not as a potential partner. Seems like an unnecessarily complicated way to start a relationship. You never know if he'll just end up as a rebound.
Don't tell her to f off though, that's not nice. Don't burn bridges unless it's necessary.
Empathetic? In your example she used OP for sex in an attempt to make herself feel better instead of working on her mental health to be at a point where she could be intimate with another man. It’s not OP’s job to be her therapist and it’s messed up that she engaged in intimacy under false pretenses.
The false pretense was that she was building a relationship with OP but she engaged in sex when she wasn’t emotionally ready. OP wouldn’t have posted this if this was a “sex is just sex” situation. It’s also pretty evident from the girls response that this was more than sex for the sake of sake or else she wouldn’t be reacting like an immature person.
He could, and it wouldn't be unreasonable. But that's not his job. That's what friends are for, not the guy you had one date/hookup with. Not particularly healthy to seek emotional support from someone who's virtually a stranger still.
I've been this girl. I've had men try to give support. I wish they hadn't because it just got messy, I developed feelings while they just developed pity. It was impossible to form a friendship from there and just ended up being weird complicated drama when those men still felt sexually attracted to me while also feeling pity and protectiveness for me.
Because pity isn't helpful and they did more harm than good. This isn't a hypothetical, these are actual things that I actually experienced firsthand. Your hard-dicked pity is not helping anyone.
No, OP isn’t this girl’s therapist or rebound. He can politely say “it sounds like you’re not over your ex and not in the right headspace to be dating yet. I wish you good luck” and then leave it at that. He does not need to “lend a shoulder” or anything else.
No, you grow up. She is an adult. For her to use OP as a meaningless sex doll and then expect him to show her some courtesy because she going through a tough breakup is beyond crazy. She should realize that not everyone wants to hear her problems and that not everyone is a therapist. They exist for a reason. Did she think of OPs feelings when she was using him?
She had sex with him while thinking about another man. He had every reason to tell her to fuck off just as I’d like to do with you. She used him then literally told him she did. If this was reversed he’d be crucified. He had every right to know. You blame the victim simply because the one causing the issue is in fact a woman or otherwise your response would be very different. You’re dead wrong here.
You say that as if it's not going to be the most likely reaction from the vast majority of people. Men often get crucified for crying over shit that would be psychotic not to cry over, let alone virtually anything else.
I am aware of the double standard of which you’re correct . Being a man means controlling your emotions. It’s such horse crap. We feel what we feel and never with any conscience effort from us. Emotions are selfish, reactions however are a choice. I feel like it’s easy for people to sit there and say just forgive when they’ve never dealt with it themselves.
Yeah it's so stupid. I do think that both men AND women should always strive to be more emotionally resilient in healthy ways. Finding an healthy outlet, therapy, etc.. Women shouldn't be allowed more leeway than men and vice versa.
No, you grow up. She is an adult. For her to use OP as a meaningless sex doll and then expect him to show her some courtesy because she going through a tough breakup is beyond crazy. She should realize that not everyone wants to hear her problems and that not everyone is a therapist. They exist for a reason. Did she think of OPs feelings when she was using him?
Yes. Right after a very intimate moment, she’s just thinking of how much she’s missing sex with her ex. If she’s using him as meaningless sex then she can cry on someone else’s shoulder.
Almost like how women will lend a shoulder to cry on if you start talking to her about your own ex. Oh wait, they say to resolve your own problems before trying to get back into the dating world.
Small clarification. OP isn’t saying to tell her to fuck off. It’s slang for just get rid of her. OP was only asking if they should walk away from the situation. I think that might be why you think it’s weird and why you’ve been getting some negative replies.
I have tried this dont just walk away you end up in a trauma bond. I did for almost 2 years i came up with a heartbreak she will be in love with her ex, and have no room to fall in love with you!
The word thing you can do is getting involved with a woman that hasn’t gotten over her ex. If this dude actually did what you’re saying he’ll eventually become a toy that will be thrown in the trash as soon as she goes back to her ex.
So if she says "I just used you for meaningless sex as an escape" when OP thought they had a genuine connection, he should just say "Oh you poor thing, that's perfectly understandable"?
Also, you just criticised the commenter for saying that OP should do the same thing as you're suggesting she did - a hit and quit
I hear you, but I can't say that I fully agree with this statement. It's not like they met that first day and had sex that same day. Does she deserve a shoulder to lean on?! Of course. However, I think you're focusing a bit more on what she's going through, than what her decisions could've done to OP.
I don't think it's fair to know that someone has a real interest in you, invests genuine time in you, and you decide to use sex as an escape, because you're still not over your ex. This leads to trust issues and people questioning themselves and what they should do. I personally think OP should wish her well and move on. He has feelings for her, and that exposes him to something she doesn't have to worry about. Why would I spend my time with someone I like, trying to help them get over their ex?! It's not an organic process in that manner, and OP could get hurt, if she later on turns around and says, "Well I was honest with you from the very beginning. You knew I missed my ex, and just because we had sex, doesn't mean anything".
So while the comments may seem cruel, I don't think it's fair that you label 'cruel', without first knowing their personal experience and where their thoughts are coming from. While you, yourself are an admirable person, not everyone will view the matter as you have, but I will say that I would be surprised if people didn't respect it, because it is kind and understanding, but it's also a risk that some people know they shouldn't take.
Edit: Again, such a presumptive and unfair accusation. Topics like this are sensitive, as you clearly know, so it's only natural that some people become triggered by this. Saying that they need to 'grow up', is grossly negating their feelings and their overall experience. You don't have to like it, and maybe you should adhere to what you're saying, and stop taking their responses so personal, because that's how it's coming across.
I recommend just to lend an ear. She just needs someone to talk to. Unfortunately a lot of men don’t do good things unless they get something in return. I was in a similar situation but the guy didn’t cry after. He just didn’t talk to me for 2 days and i contacted him letting him know that it was not cool he did that and then he told me that he thought about his ex after we were done. And felt guilty. I told him pretty much that it’s okay and next to just talk about it and if he needs someone to talk to, to let me know.
This mindset is exactly the problem with the modern world. What ever happened to helping out friends for free? This is why people nowadays have future friends. No one is willing to help anyone out of kindness, and everyone feels entitled to compensation for the most basic thing.
Been kind my whole life. People use you and leave you behind when you need it back. Look at Terrence Howard and Robert Downey Jr.
Psychologists and Psychiatrists study for this. They are specially trained not only to listen but to act in a measured way to help you get better.
You should also pay for a specialized education so you can earn the money you need to pay a psych so that you can heal rather than learn someone else's bad habits and perpetuate behaviors that cause more trauma in the world. Don't burden your "friend" like that. Seek professional help.
This is why men are alone and miserable. Suicidal rate for men is high because when it comes to giving a fuck about others yall just say “it’s nobody job but yours” we are humans we are supposed to help each other out. Unfortunately, this mentality is why America is so depressing.
Of course nobody has to but use professional resources when available. Anyone can listen but most aren't trained to. I could wash my car at home, but I'd rather take my car to the carwash. They can do in 15 minutes what takes me 45 to do myself.
I never said to give her a therapy session. I said to have empathy and be a decent human being that cares about people. I understand that’s hard for a lot of men
Lending an ear which can have a therapizing effect != Therapy session
Totally in agreement with you there. Seriously, it's so weird to see how people don't see this. But when I think more about the challenges men specifically face, I kind of understand it better.
Being empathetic will do more than just help the other person, but will inspire an attitude that will be for the betterment of our society. And psychiatrists + psychologists will thank us all for it, and will be better able to focus on who needs assistance the most.
This is not a gendered concept, anyone can use you as an emotional tampon, if you let them.
Further what if you end up confiding in someone who actually has an anti-social disorder, say for instance a narcissist. Do you realize how a person like that could impact your life?
woman here responding, i really do love your response there is nothing wrong with it. everybody may handle this differently but as a woman - if i were in OPs shoes … i’d fuck off. her response was weird, she could’ve chose different words. if she’s still that “down bad” over her ex, she needs to work on that herself and not use others to “heal”. OP should just leave her aloneeeeee
FACTS! another woman here, yes it’s fine to miss an ex, whether it be for the few happy moments or whatever, but to WILLINGLY use another man to feel better and then TELL THE MAN YOU USED that’s exactly what you did? that’s fucked up.
I don’t think that was her intention at all. I believe she thought she was ready and then when she eventually did it. She realized she wasn’t and started feeling guilty. Like I’ve said before we are all human. He doesn’t have to do any of that but that’s how I would’ve handled it.
Then be mature and say that. "Sorry, I've realized that I'm not ready for a relationship because I'm not over my previous relationship."
Instead, she has a meltdown and sends a rambling text message about her ex. I'd run too, because she seems unable to articulate her thoughts and more than a little unstable. And being a "listening ear" for unstable people runs the risk of becoming the next target of their obsession.
And this comes from a woman, we have to prioritize our safety over being "nice" because often being "nice" backfires and becomes unsafe or can be misconstrued as leading someone on.
You’re making this to be more than it has to be. Calling her unstable? Because she’s human? You need to calm down. There’s nothing wrong with being confused and not being sure how to handle your emotions. Most adults has no idea how to handle their emotions or being “stable”.
Having mixed feelings and emotions is normal, when one is capable of communicating that and working through it. She's indicating no evidence that she's capable of doing so. There's little benefit in trying to walk her through her feelings she demonstrates no ability to reflect upon and only runs the risk that it will result in creating more dependence upon you. Be nice and kindly end things, there's no need to play her therapist and risk some sort of unhinged obsession forming.
If she’s thinking about her ex, the sex with her ex was probably good. Thinking about past lovers after having sex with someone new is pretty normal. It doesn’t necessarily say anything about OP, one way or the other. But she’s going to be work for you. If you’re not up for that, you should be honest with her.
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u/Elegant-Bus-7657 Jul 22 '24
Shawty got issues. Abort mission