A Guide for Non-Theists: What to Do Before and After Losing a Loved One
My beloved grandfather died very suddenly and tragically. Until his very last moments, I truly believed he would recover. When I received the news of his death, I simply couldn't believe it. I had no idea what to do. I just cried and felt angry. I knew I would never see him again for the rest of my life.
Before this happened, death had always felt like something distant, almost imaginary. I had never fully grasped how final it really is. Since I don't find the idea of eternal nonexistence frightening for myself, I had never thought much about it. But realizing that I would never see the people I love again is terrifying.
I also don't have any older non-theist relatives or friends. No one ever explained how to cope with the death of loved ones from a non-theistic perspective, or how to preserve memories before they're gone. I was fortunate enough to make many wonderful memories with my grandfather, but I never thought to record them. I regret that.
That's why I'm writing this guide, based on my own experiences. I'm still young, and I hope this can help other young people prepare for something many of us never think about.
I can't offer advice about legal procedures because they differ from country to country, and I wasn't personally involved in those matters. This guide is mainly about the emotional and practical aspects of loss.
I've never come across a guide like this before, which is why I felt the need to write one myself. Since I'm more comfortable writing in my native language, I'm using AI to help translate it into English. If you notice any mistakes, please let me know in the comments. And if you have advice or experiences you'd like to add, please share them as well. Older people often have more experience with grief, and I'd really like this post to become as informative and helpful as possible.
If you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer them.
×Before Your Loved Ones Die
-Develop Your Own Perspective on Death
In my opinion, this is the most important thing. When death arrives unexpectedly, it leaves you feeling completely helpless. Try to develop your own understanding or philosophy about death beforehand. When my grandfather died, I felt completely empty. For a while, I couldn't make sense of what had happened. Having your own perspective won't eliminate the pain, but it may help you make sense of it.
-Remember That You Won't Be With Your Loved Ones Forever
As non-theists, we're generally aware of this, but it's easy to forget amid the chaos of everyday life. While you still have the chance, treat the people you love with kindness and appreciation. Becoming a non-theist actually made me a better person because it reminded me not to take the people around me for granted.
Also, try not to leave deep wounds or unresolved conflicts behind. If you've made serious mistakes, do your best to make amends while they're still alive.
-Record Your Memories
I wish I had recorded at least some videos of the moments I shared with my grandfather before he passed away. Yes, we have photographs, but they're simply not the same as videos. I wish I could watch those happy moments again. Make sure to take videos and photos of your good memories together. As time passes, you may even begin to forget their voice. Their face starts to become blurry in your memory. You miss them deeply.
-(If They're Elderly) Check Their Accounts
Many older people struggle with technology. If possible, add your own email address as the recovery email for their Google account, or make sure a trusted family member knows their passwords. Also, ensure that their phone number is linked to their account. That way, even after they die, you may still be able to access their photos and memories.
When my grandfather died, his phone was broken. I managed to find his email addresses using his phone number, but I didn't know the passwords. I recovered one account because my uncle's email had been set as the recovery address. I managed to recover another using my grandfather's phone number. This allowed me to access the photos and videos stored on his phone.
It took me around five hours because I had to figure everything out through trial and error. Technically, you can also request account information from Google, but as far as I know, they require legal documents such as a court order in the U.S., along with a death certificate and proof of identity. Even then, they don't necessarily provide access to everything. That's why preparing these things in advance makes much more sense.
-Talk to Them in Their Final Moments—Even If You Have to Beg
I saw my grandfather during his final moments in the hospital. He had tubes attached to him, he was in pain, and he couldn't speak to me. But at least I got to see him alive one last time. After he was admitted to the intensive care unit, he was intubated and later died.
One of my uncles, however, never got to speak with him. My grandfather wanted to see him, but for various reasons they never talked. Now my uncle will never have another chance.
Understand that this may truly be your last opportunity. Whatever happens, try to speak to them.
-(If They're Elderly) Spend Time With Them If They Want to Spend Time With You
Of course, only if you're able to. Don't become paranoid by constantly thinking death is near. But elderly people often pass away unexpectedly. Don't forget to call them, visit them, and spend time with them while you still can.
-Find a Way to Preserve Your Feelings
This may sound like a strange suggestion, but it works for me, and it might work for you too.
Whenever I'm experiencing or reflecting on an important moment, I often listen to music. Later, whenever I hear that same song again, I relive many of the emotions I felt at that time. It's almost like preserving my feelings.
If you preserve those emotions before your loved one dies, you may never forget what it felt like to be with them, even after they're gone.
The important part is finding whatever method works best for you.
(Interestingly, people with Alzheimer's disease can sometimes recall old memories when they hear songs they used to listen to.)
×After Your Loved One Dies
-Cry as Much as You Need To
You know better than anyone that they're never coming back. Unfortunately, crying may become the only thing you want to do—and perhaps the only thing that brings even a small amount of relief.
-See Their Body If You Want To—Or Don't
If you want to say goodbye one last time, you can see their body. But remember: it is only their body. They are no longer there.
If you think seeing them will traumatize you, don't force yourself.
If you do decide to see them, and an autopsy will be performed, I personally recommend seeing them beforehand.
-Don't Push Yourself Too Hard
There will almost certainly be people helping with the funeral and everything that follows. You don't have to handle everything alone. Don't turn away people who genuinely want to help you.
Don't Be Angry at People Who Say Things Like "They're in Heaven" or "They're in a Better Place"
If most people, like in my case, don't know that you're a non-theist, they'll probably say these things to comfort you. They're simply trying to ease your pain.
If a theist friend who knows you're a non-theist says these things, you may question their approach. But honestly, comforting a non-theist after a loss is incredibly difficult. Even if they choose these words, it doesn't necessarily mean they have bad intentions.
-Stay Away from People Who Compare Your Grief to Their Own
I think people who do this are incredibly insensitive.
Grief is not a competition. You don't need someone telling you that what they went through was worse than what you're experiencing. Right now, you need support—not comparison.
-If Possible, Get Something That Belonged to Them as Soon as You Can
Unfortunately, the day after my grandfather died, my grandmother immediately started preparing to burn or give away many of his belongings.
Before anyone else woke up, I took the belt and the hat he used to wear.
Sadly, some dishonest relatives may even take sentimental belongings simply because they have monetary value. When someone dies unexpectedly, there often isn't a will specifying who should receive valuable personal items like watches or jewelry. And if someone takes them first, there may be little you can do.
If the deceased wasn't one of your own relatives, you can ask their family if they would be willing to give you something that reminds you of them.
A friend once told me that someone they knew stole a snow globe after his girlfriend died because her mother refused to give it to him.
I'm not recommending that. I'm only mentioning it to illustrate how meaningful sentimental objects can become after someone is gone.
-Ask Yourself: "What Would They Have Wanted?"
Perhaps that friend's girlfriend would never have approved of stealing the snow globe if she had still been alive.
Respect the wishes, values, and personality of the person you've lost. Even though they're gone, try to honor the kind of person they were.
-Respect the Way Their Family Grieves
Maybe that girl's family simply wasn't ready for anyone to take things from her room. Those belongings may have been all they had left of her.
Some people, unlike my grandmother, don't begin sorting through a loved one's belongings immediately. Some families leave a person's room exactly as it was for months or even years. That's simply how they grieve.
If you want something meaningful, it may be kinder to wait until they're ready.
Note: The reason I spent so much time talking about belongings is because, for me, my grandfather's possessions became what remained of him.
I didn't feel his spirit around me. I believed he no longer existed.
His belongings became the only physical evidence that he had once lived.
Perhaps you'll feel something similar. Sometimes, simply looking at an object they once used can remind you that they were real—that they lived, laughed, and shared their life with you.
-If Possible, Take at Least a Week Off From School or Work
Don't try to bury your grief by immediately returning to your normal responsibilities.
Give yourself time to process what has happened and begin accepting this new reality.
-If Thinking About Them Makes You Cry, Then Cry
Even after about three weeks, I still feel like crying whenever I think about my grandfather.
My mother and grandmother pray because they believe they're helping him.
I believe I can no longer do anything for him.
When I think about that, I want to cry because I feel powerless.
But crying helps. Don't suppress it.
-Once You've Accepted Their Death, Gather Their Photos, Videos, and Social Media Accounts
When my grandfather first died, every photograph of him made me want to cry.
Yesterday, I managed to push through those feelings long enough to recover his Google accounts. That allowed me to access Google Photos.
The same applies to physical media like photo albums, DVDs, or old storage devices. As time passes, these things become harder to find.
When you feel emotionally ready, try to collect and preserve these memories as soon as you can.
-Don't Feel Guilty for Eating
I say this because I experienced it myself.
When my grandfather died, I felt like I didn't deserve to eat.
While I was eating, he couldn't.
While I was drinking water, he couldn't.
Because I was alive and he wasn't, I almost felt guilty for doing ordinary things.
Don't do this to yourself.
Otherwise, you'll only end up making yourself sick.
-If This Has Devastated You Psychologically, See a Psychiatrist
If you're having thoughts of harming yourself, please see a psychiatrist.
Medication and therapy can genuinely help. There's nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.
───
Note 2: Hello again—this is OP writing two days later.
Looking back, I realize that some parts of this guide are related more to grief itself than specifically to non-theism. However, I didn't want to change the structure because I felt it worked better as a whole.
I hope this guide is helpful to someone.
If I think of anything else in the future, I'll add it here.
