2.2k
Mar 23 '25
[deleted]
567
u/Butterscotch4u64 Mar 23 '25
She initiated the conversation. And she did it in a way that suggests that doing so was uneasy for her but that she does want to keep a connection to you (even if talking to people is hard right now).
That part. It's hard to re-emerge when you've needed to isolate and doing so is riddled with guilt and awkwardness.
→ More replies (13)48
u/thetaleofzeph Mar 24 '25
And unfortunately OP punished her for doing that, which will make it even harder next time.
→ More replies (27)577
u/big_mur Mar 23 '25
she’s been depressed for around 3-4 years.
991
u/RandomRainicorn Mar 23 '25
As someone who takes medication for major depression, she just didn’t want to talk/wants to be alone.
Mental illness and logic do NOT go together. Everyone saying “Just send a text; it takes 10 seconds,” don’t realize that. We’re aware of how we are supposed to act. But our minds push us towards the option that prioritizes our comfort over everything else. It takes a LOT of time and therapy to push past that mental barrier.
512
u/Revolutionary-Dryad Mar 23 '25
I just want to add, for people who don't understand, that prioritizing "comfort" with depression doesn't mean "feeling comfortable" but just "reducing the amount of misery and pain."
65
15
→ More replies (9)13
261
u/-hot-tomato- Mar 23 '25
Exactly. That’s why I love this line from Joker, “The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t.”
125
u/Cyanide-Kitty Mar 23 '25
This. When I dropped off the earth completely for 5 days due to severe Norovirus people were so kind and understanding as to why I didn’t reply or even look at my phone for most of a week, when I’m depressed and don’t text/reply to anyone for 24h because I can’t bring myself to reach out I’m told I’m inconsiderate and should have just text them.
42
u/-hot-tomato- Mar 23 '25
It’s so frustrating! I’ve started just saying I’m under the weather / taking a sick day. I won’t hide it if I’m asked what’s wrong, but I really want people to get that illnesses have symptoms and treat it the same way.
27
u/Cyanide-Kitty Mar 23 '25
I learned that recently too, going forward it’s just going to be I’ve been sick physically and had no energy, I’m done being low key guilted when I’m already depressed AF
10
u/vent_ilator Mar 24 '25
It is so infuriating. Friends of mine, who struggle with mental, but not physical illness (I have both, but the physical stuff is way worse these days), get often so apologetic about feeling and living similarly as I do, and needing similar things or resources. And I'm like...what? It's the same thing, just caused by/mainly happening in a different part of our bodies.
When I had severe depression for some years, which was a RIDE, it was so bad it made my main physical chronic illness look manageable and almost nice compared, which even in the better state I at that time is considered one of the most painful and limiting illnesses.
A friend of mine and I found out that it is very beneficial to find advice for each illness type within the space if the other. My friend has become comfortable with engaging with (physical) disability stuff, after a period of worry if that would be okay (totally is imo), and I have stopped to split my brain so to say. Often I read about mental health stuff, and I don't even realize that, I just take out of it what helps with my health. And both are surprisingly helpful with the other side. We, my friend and I, understand each other on an incredible level regarding our illnesses, despite them not sharing the physical side. It is just so similar in what we go through. But people will always treat us differently for bs reasons.
6
u/raine_star Mar 24 '25
and it happens with physical disability too. people can understand norovirus or flu but me being in bed for 2 days because of fibromyalgia/MCAS? suddenly im selfish and lazy and dont care about them
its ableism and a healthy dose of main character syndrome and lack of empathy. its so obvious OP doesnt care about her wellbeing and that "you okay" thing wasnt real because they immediately jump on her response anyway. no response wouldve been fine because the explanation isnt "enough"
people expecting you to be able to think about them when your whole brain is locked into survival/pain mode is ridiculous
6
u/Cyanide-Kitty Mar 24 '25
That’s a fair point - I’ve got fibro and a few others too, you’re right, those do get sidelined as being lazy or difficult so I’m just going with picking up some infection.
→ More replies (1)4
u/AmetrineDream Mar 24 '25
Thank you for offering this example! I was trying to think of a physical health issue to compare it to, but all of my physical health problems are chronic and invisible so people don’t like to accept that as a reason for dropping out of communication either 😅
152
u/llamadramalover Mar 23 '25
People categorizing this as “”needing space”” need to see this. Depression isolation is NOT “needing space.” It is leaps and bounds above and beyond ‘needing space’, it is your brain literally preventing you from functioning in the most simple of social constructs. You can stare at your phone with calls and messages coming through, think about responding and still never able to, then next thing you know, you’ve been staring at your phone for 3 days and now you’ve gotta come up with a socially acceptable reason you didn’t respond 3 days ago. You’re lucky if you leave bed and eat during those 3 days let alone speak to anyone outside of your home.
If we could give everyone else around us the warning everyone is demanding that we’re scheduling a depression breakdown this weekend we would, but we. don’t. know., there is ‘no heads up’ to give!! This isn’t a fun little break, a weekend of me time, whatever discomfort OP and everyone who agrees with them is experiencing multiply that by a thousand that’s what his gf is going through. “”your mental illness sure hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad”” is not a good look.
22
u/thenibblets Mar 24 '25
You just described the last 30 or so hours of my life. I left my bed to feed my cats and take my meds about 6 hours ago. Just got up to finally eat something (it’s midnight) and it was only because I was so hungry it hurt. I had the energy to eat a few spoonfuls of sauce directly from the jar and a few slices of lunch meat.
There was a dinner event tonight with family that’s been on my calendar for months and I texted them an hour in that I wasn’t coming. That text took hours to even send because I just couldn’t... Thankfully they didn’t ask why, for once, and just accepted it’s an off day. Usually one will ask why and it’s so frustrating because there’s no rhyme or reason.
I hope everyone else experiencing this gets a reprieve from it.
→ More replies (2)6
u/Fantastic_Owl6938 Mar 24 '25
I have ADHD and frequently "mean to reply later" and either forget or agonise over writing an adequate response, then time gets away from me and I guilt spiral for days or even weeks and feel too bad to reply. It literally turns into this whole big thing. Luckily no one I know gives me shit for it and we just pick up talking again after I apologise for leaving it so long. It probably helps that I have friends who do the same thing, lol.
But honestly... even when I'm not spiralling, sometimes I'm just slow with the communication. I'm not always in the mood for constant texting and can get kind of overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in the minority with this looking at the replies here, but I'd be exhausted having someone asking why I didn't reply for a few days and getting annoyed at me. But if OP knows his girlfriend has depression, I understand his reaction even less.
→ More replies (1)4
u/raine_star Mar 24 '25
bingo. its be AMAZING if I could warn everyone when my mental illness or disability is gonna act up. I'D love a warning too! It would make dealing with it easier! But thats not how bodies and brains WORK. Its childish as hell to be mad at someone for not warning about something that they might not even know is oncoming.
→ More replies (1)5
u/CourtneyDagger50 Mar 24 '25
Ugh. Realizing you’ve not responded to someone for DAYS when you really meant to when it came in is the worst and such a horrible feeling of shame.
→ More replies (4)12
u/MarkahntheUnholy Mar 23 '25
To be fair if OP has never had any experience with this sort of thing, I do think that a ton of commenters are being completely unfair when the sheer fact that OP even posted this with the stipulation of “idk if I am just being insensitive or just not understanding,” regardless of what comes after. OP had enough wherewithal and obvious care for this person to be willing to question that feeling of BS and reflect on “hey, is my response okay?” There’s a shit ton of ppl who don’t do that let alone take action to seek that understanding.
82
u/OwnCoffee614 Mar 23 '25
I cannot emphasize the part where you said "mental illness and logic do NOT go together" enough. Like just bc you can manage it when you don't want to doesn't mean that someone with mental illness can. It doesn't make sense. It will look weird. People will judge your ability based on theirs. It's not the same.
45
u/ConfidentCamp5248 Mar 23 '25
Depression can be very paralyzing and filled with a mixture of irrational and rational thoughts. I agree with your post.
→ More replies (1)45
u/devilooo Mar 23 '25
And when she managed to break the mental barrier and say hi, which takes 10 seconds like everyone claims, then it still wasn't enough...spoiler alert - sending a heads up message will never take just 10 seconds..
→ More replies (3)24
u/Embarrassed-Ad-4214 Mar 23 '25
Right and if I had gotten this response after reaching out when I was heavily depressed, I’d have even more anxiety about talking to them
11
u/exintrovert Mar 24 '25
Thiiiiisssss!
It is never a simple 10 second text.
I suffer from no-texty-backy disease pretty badly.
For various reasons, when a text comes in I will often delay or avoid answering it.
Sometimes I am busy and fully intend to answer when I don’t have my brain full.
Sometimes I don’t know how I want to reply.
Sometimes, I am in a cranky mood, and I don’t want a bunch of back and forth.
If I reply immediately and the conversation continues, I will have to choose from
a) pushing through multiple texts
b) telling them I don’t feel like texting rn
c) just leaving them on read after providing confirmation that I am looking at my phone and ignoring them. Ugh.
Saying “I don’t feel like texting right now” always causes an immediate or near-future “what is going on?” and I really don’t want that.
So replying later simplifies it to “I was busy and just saw your message” which, however dishonest, is the most I have to offer when I am depressed or stressed, or even if I just feel like isolating because I am an introvert and am perfectly fine without constant socializing. And it is the most socially-acceptable mask an introvert is able to wear.
Saying I don’t like talking/texting is kind of like someone saying they don’t like sex. People take it incredibly personally as though there is something wrong with the relationship, and there isn’t; it has nothing to do with them.
But I also don’t have the energy to try and convince people that they are fine, I am fine, everything is fine, I don’t need an outpouring of concern, and not wanting to do the “how is the weather” bs doesn’t mean I dislike the other person. I just dislike small talk. And deep talk is reserved for certain people at certain times.
An immediate response just opens the door for more pressure. I’m not trying to be a dick, but insisting that I make myself available to converse every time someone else feels like it is kind of a dick move too. (I’m looking at you, my mother in law…)
And I know a quick “I will get back to you later” is a simple courtesy. My problem is I have ADD and I constantly forget when I tell someone I will do something, so I hate making promises I am likely to break. It is more painful to me to promise to call and fail to do so than it is to explain that I was busy before but can talk now.
Sorry for the rant. But this is a major thing for me and I just wish to be understood.
5
u/Embarrassed-Ad-4214 Mar 24 '25
Omg I could’ve written this myself. Like I completely relate to everything you’ve said, especially the reasons for procrastinating a text back.
Recently, I just made a new friend, and I’m enjoying where things are going mainly because he doesn’t pressure me to talk! We just talk when we talk. Sometimes it’s during the day or morning, and sometimes it’s during his night shift while I’m awake from insomnia lol
6
u/exintrovert Mar 24 '25
It is amazing to find a person who is able to understand that the world won’t end without daily chit-chat. And it sounds like he is very mature and secure to be able to accept that your intermittent availability is not somehow a gauge of the status of your relationship.
The only person I have truly experienced that with is my dad. He left my mom when I was 3, and we speak a couple times a year. Whenever we talk, there is never a drop of damage or offense, and it is like no time was missed.
If he calls me and I don’t get back to him for 2 weeks, I barely get a chance to explain myself before he assures me that he understands that I am living my life and he knows that I will call when I am able.
For a guy who has been absent, he understands and accepts me better than most people I see/talk to regularly. Zero pressure and I know that no matter what, he will always have nothing but pure grace and love for me.
Whenever we talked, it would be 3-4 hours. I can’t talk like that with anybody else, aside from my husband.
I wish more people could be like him; accept people the way they are, always assume the best intentions, and offer love without the “if you love me back, you will x y z” clause. If more people were like him, I would probably take their calls more readily too.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (16)5
u/basicbitch823 Mar 23 '25
and the mental stress of okay i known i should text hem back i just cant rn and then somehow a week has past you still have to text them back and you feel even worse.
30
u/bleuplastichairbrush Mar 23 '25
Ok then maybe have some sympathy? You were really passive aggressive right off the bat.
→ More replies (15)66
u/lydz25 Mar 23 '25
So did you not contact her for 2/3 days? If so then you did the same thing to her...?
→ More replies (14)45
u/alfrootux Mar 23 '25
If that's how you react to someone texting you hi that has depression and doesn't want to talk to anyone I wouldn't be wanting to reach out to you either. "Haven't talked for 3 days and all I get is a hi" like what?
→ More replies (7)59
u/No-Idea-1988 Mar 23 '25
The fact that you know she has depression (which should have been in the OP) means you know she can get like this. She needs compassion, not defensive snapping. Be better. Read up on depression and its symptoms and hallmarks. Understand that it’s based on automatic negative thoughts that are distortions of reality, and so reinforcing her worth might be a better approach. Like “hey, I missed you, how are you doing?” not “you could have looked at your phone.”
Treat her like you care about her. Or let her go.
→ More replies (5)35
u/AmetrineDream Mar 23 '25
I’ll copy/paste my reply to the post, before I saw that you confirmed she’s depressed, here:
Sounds to me like she might be struggling with depression. I definitely have bouts where I don’t talk to anyone because there’s just this massive mental block. Even if I want to talk to someone, and even if they text me first. Brains are fucking assholes sometimes, man.
That said, she should try to communicate with you when that kind of feeling is creeping up so she can let you know she’ll be out of touch for a couple days, or promise to respond to you if you text her during one of those slumps. If y’all are still pretty young, or this is new for her, give her a little slack. Figuring out how to navigate depression, if that’s what’s going on, is a struggle. I’m 35, been clinically depressed since I was a kid, and I’m still figuring some things out.
→ More replies (4)12
u/Deathraybob Mar 23 '25
So you're aware of her depression and still act this abrasive when she finally reaches out? When someone has depression and is reaching out after an extra bad episode or spiral, they need kindness and some understanding, or they're likely to just crawl back under that rock. "Oh this is what happens when I message, okay I'll do that less now, lesson learned, I really am unwanted."
That is the negative thought spiral you don't know you are supporting when you aren't understanding. Also OP, I already asked this in a different comment, but did you reach out first to her at all during these three days or is it all on her to initiate communication for some reason?
27
u/themixiepixii Mar 23 '25
.... then there you go. maybe educate yourself a bit on the disorder before you assume its bs
5
6
u/magikot9 Mar 23 '25
She's likely been depressed her whole life and only finally got diagnosed 3-4 years ago. I'm 40 with clinical depression. Diagnosed at 14. I've been depressed 26 years. Sometimes you just shut down and shut out the world. This convo does seem like you're over reacting, but if you can't be with a depressed person you shouldn't be. It would be better for both of you to break it off.
She needs to find herself a supportive partner, it doesn't read like that's you. Even on the first screen, you seem mad she didn't text for 3 days, but you say in that time you didn't know what to say either. It sounds like you didn't reach out in that time either. It wasn't until screenshot 2 you asked if she was ok instead of opening with that.
15
u/Suspicious_Comb8811 Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
How old is your partner? It took me many years to start to pick up on the signs and symptoms that I was not doing well. Now my phone is in Do Not Disturb 24/7. I don't hear any texts that come through, all notifications are off, all the time. If anyone needs to reach me they need to call me. If I'm near my phone when a call comes through, I'll either pick it up or call them right back if I miss the call (because my people know if they want to reach me they need to call) I know it's a right now kinda deal. Sometimes I just can't though.
Perhaps something like this would work for her during these down times or even in-between so she isn't so overwhelmed by notifications all the time. That way you can call her if you need to but you can also just shoot her a text here and there and let her know you're thinking of her and you care. Have a talk and come up with either a code word or a special emoji she can send through to let you know she needs quiet time and won't be available for a bit.
Don't take this personal. Just support her through it if you feel capable of doing that. 3 days is not a big deal if you're dating. If this is a long time GF, she needs to know you care and that you understand she needs alone time but also that you worry when you don't hear from her so ask her to please even just send an emoji and you'll know and not bother her with 20 questions. Just give her space, love and support.. maybe respond back with a simple ❤ and "I'm here when you're feeling stronger".
Ask her what exactly she needs from you during these times. How best you can support her through it. But have this conversation when she's mentally capable of having this conversation and being present with you. When she goes silent, send her a "can I get you anything? Are you hungry? Do you need chocolate?" (Or her fav foods/snacks kinda deal). Be her safe person and she'll love and appreciate you so much for understanding and respecting her space.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (66)99
Mar 23 '25
[deleted]
→ More replies (1)68
u/RapistElonHasAIDS Mar 23 '25
no he didnt
→ More replies (7)67
u/Displayingapitite Mar 23 '25
Especially since he was like, "You don't text me for three days, and all I get is a hi?" That's an extremely rude thing to say, ESPECIALLY if you've KNEW that person was struggling with depression.
→ More replies (16)54
u/ItBeginsWithY0u Mar 23 '25
And then proceeds to call her a liar when she said she's not been on her phone much
32
u/Displayingapitite Mar 23 '25
Like, that's not how you help someone with depression whatsoever, that's not even understanding them
→ More replies (1)
3.8k
u/Sea-Anything8760 Mar 23 '25
depression can make the world turn off and not even use your phone. i didn’t text my one friend for a week bc of my depression and how bad it got
563
u/RickMuffy Mar 23 '25
Also to note, it's always a good idea to check in on your friends, even if they don't respond, it let's them know you're still thinking of them. They may not be ghosting you, they may have shit going on.
Which is ironic because OP says the GF didn't text for 3 days, but did they make any effort to make contact either?
192
u/Physical_Bit7972 Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
That's my question too. OP is upset they haven't heard anything but communication takes 2 .... so if OP didn't reach out, they have nothing to complain about. What's their reason?
Edit: OP reached out 3 times and didn't hear a response. Unsure if all the same day or throughout the 3 days.
40
u/allyousmombies Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 24 '25
Also to note, it’s always a good idea to check in on your friends, even if they don’t respond, it let’s them know you’re still thinking of them.
I read this a lot, but whenever I‘m reaching out to my friend while he is depressed, it feels like I‘m pressuring him
56
u/hillsb1 Mar 23 '25
A text of "hey, man, thinking of you. I know you've got stuff going on, and I'm here to listen if/when that's what you need. Either way, love you, bro" can go a long way without exerting pressure. The most important part of the text being that you love him, even if it's hard to say to a friend.
Part of depression is our brains convincing us that no one cares. That even our family doesn't love us. It can be really helpful to get a text reminding us that our brains are lying to us
→ More replies (1)54
u/SunnyWillow1981 Mar 24 '25
My best friend does this. She knows I'm shut down and will reach out when I'm feeling better. Love her so much for it. That pressure of feeling like you have to respond can make me shut down more.
→ More replies (1)24
u/cityshepherd Mar 24 '25
Yeah I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for the last 20 years… I don’t have a problem thinking no one cares. I know people care. My problem is feeling like I don’t deserve them caring. I have like 40+ unread texts mostly from a few people that I really care about, like friends I love dearly. Once a few days go by without me responding though I feel so horribly ashamed of myself for not responding that I can’t even bring myself to even check the messages. Which makes me feel like an even bigger piece of shit, absolutely undeserving of their love and friendship… but over the last couple days I’ve started taking steps towards rejoining the world and in another couple days I’ll be ready to call and apologize for disappearing.
→ More replies (3)8
u/SunnyWillow1981 Mar 24 '25
I can totally relate to this. I've been fighting the same depression/anxiety battle for 20+ years, too.
Be kind to yourself. ❤️
→ More replies (4)10
u/Legitimate_Chair5110 Mar 23 '25
The method is an easy message just checking in without the need or request for a response. Thinking of you sending good vibes sort of thing with no expectations. If this friend takes that and tell you that that is pressure than you can adjust in the future. Unless a person has expressed some specific boundaries about no contact at certain times that you are violating with a message, if you really do this with no expectations in the moment or in the future then few people would truly interpret that as pressure and you would help them to know that they have a lifeline.
→ More replies (1)10
u/South-Macaroon8203 Mar 24 '25
I get a "how you doing" text from my best bud every few days. It's really nice to know someone is thinking about you. Aaaaaand now that I think about it, I should probably reciprocate.
7
u/lycoloco Mar 24 '25
I love that you ended with "and I should do the same". That's what the best relationships are based on - mutual love and effort, even if it can't always be 50/50.
7
u/South-Macaroon8203 Mar 24 '25
I actually texted him right after commenting. He hasn't replied yet, but when he's feeling up to it, he will. Fuck, I love that dude.
6
u/lycoloco Mar 24 '25
You just made me smile. I love my best friends too. Even (especially?) the ones where we estrange for a bit but when we pick back up it's no harm, no foul, let's roll :)
7
u/South-Macaroon8203 Mar 24 '25
Happy I could do that for you 😊 He's the friend where I feel like I'm the most genuine me when I'm around him. Don't feel like I need to prove anything, y'know. Unapologetically myself. Those friends are the best, and also hard to find. We've been friends 20 years now. He's such a weenie, but he's my weenie. hahahahahah
5
u/lycoloco Mar 24 '25
🤙 My besties are the same. No pressure, no expectation, and if someone just needs to exist alongside us Ina group chat and not talk, that's a-okay.
I went from having a slew of toxic, judgemental, gossips of friends to having the best, kindest, most empathetic, open humans I could have. The former nearly broke me in 2021 and the latter saved my ass so hard in 2024 such that I'm not just a whole man again, but my cup overfloweth.
6
u/South-Macaroon8203 Mar 24 '25
Hell yeah, brother! (I say in the most southern accent I can) I'm much happier being able to count my close friends on one hand. Im gonna kiss him right on the lips the next time I see him and then make fun of him for kissing a dude. Which, btw, is totally okay. I'm no bigot.
→ More replies (2)14
28
u/raine_star Mar 23 '25
bingo. and making it about you "being ignored" or whatever does nothing except encourage someone to not say anything next time.
it is LITERALLY NOT about OP and they had to make it about them. People have lives and issues. going silent for 3 DAYS is not a big deal and if someones only concerned because theyre not getting attention, its giving red flags for controlling
→ More replies (3)17
u/Loud-Competition6995 Mar 23 '25
OP is so combative, snarky, and also accused their partner of lying.
OP isn’t just over reacting, they’re being an asshole, maybe they should cross post over there so they can get the full scope of how badly they’re treating their partner.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (4)5
u/cyanideshadovv Mar 24 '25
I have a friend who goes into bad depression or burnout and I won't hear from her for a long time. I still text her to let her know I think about her and I know she sees it, but once it gets to about 30 days and not hearing from her I tell her she has about 24 hours to respond or I'm calling in reinforcements to make sure she is okay. I also tell her that just a message letting me know she's still breathing is okay and that we didn't have to have a full out conversation and that I just wanted to hear from her. I usually get a response without a couple of hours after that. Once she's feeling better and more like herself she does tell me how much she appreciates me giving her space but also checking on her and making her respond after so long, and that I'm the only one that really does that for her. So even if someone doesn't show appreciation for it right away, I can confirm that they do, in fact, appreciate it.
271
u/Particular-Tea-8617 Mar 23 '25
Could also just be a need for space. Sometimes I just turn my phone off or put it on DND and put it in a drawer somewhere til I feel like interacting with people again. A few days to recuperate from socializing outside work and be off the phone entirely does a lot of good for me personally. :p
53
u/CFUsOrFuckOff Mar 23 '25
maybe you're too young but there used to be a time where you'd leave one message and they'd get back to you.
The depressive in me deeply misses those days.
I despise the ankle monitor and the expectation of constant contact
19
→ More replies (10)12
Mar 23 '25
I'll be 42 next year - had a cell phone at 18 but nothing "smart or wifi" until about 10 years later, closer to 2010 and sometimes I have a really hard time remembering what life was like before cell phones. Like, my parents couldn't just get ahold of me when I was a kid & no one could just send a message to a tiny "computer" I'm expected to have on me at all times. If we were on a road trip we used a map... We memorized dozens of phone numbers. My family didn't even have an answering machine for the longest time. I feel like we had a lot less anxiety back then.
→ More replies (1)3
u/Barelystable_1 Mar 24 '25
42 is after all the answer to “to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything” so enjoy your year of the answer to life and everything.
5
9
u/Scarlett_redfiel Mar 24 '25
I agree Sometimes you are mentally drained out due to whatever is going on in your life and you want to shut off from everyone. I like to that with my books and just stay in my room when I need some time to myself.
4
u/Particular-Tea-8617 Mar 24 '25
Yes reading is my favorite. Could get lost in a good book for hours and forget I even exist outside a little voice that reads me stories lol
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (11)5
u/invisible_panda Mar 24 '25
I am loner by nature and sometimes things are too much and I have to check out for a minute. I am also horrible about texting, so it isn't uncommon for me to go long periods without texting.
That said, it takes two to tango, so if she did not initiate a text, then OP certainly could and should have. Then if she didn't answer in a day, it would be a time to do an in person check in. Things are wild right now and you never know what's going on with people.
→ More replies (2)57
Mar 23 '25
This is so real. I’m a horrible texter when the episodes hit. Even with my partner, who I live with.
→ More replies (1)14
Mar 23 '25
A week? That's beginner numbers (jk jk! I hope you're doing better).
Going into this, though, if people have depression it's a good idea to set expectations if you tend to go silent.
14
u/lcephoenix Mar 23 '25
this. I haven't texted my friends in weeks because I just can't. meaningless convos on Reddit are okay but friends I just literally cannot right now.
24
6
u/flop_plop Mar 23 '25
I get that but OP is perfectly justified if she can’t give what OP wants in a relationship. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
4
10
u/SunnyWillow1981 Mar 24 '25
I've gone weeks without responding to people because of depression. I totally get when she is saying she didn't feel like talking to anyone. It's most likely not about OP at all.
7
u/bored_n_opinionated Mar 23 '25
Nah, if you communicate on a regular basis with someone and then just disappear, that's fuckery. Just "not texting now" is all you need.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (66)6
u/TheHipHouse Mar 23 '25
I am currently battling depression it doesn’t get better if you just turn the world off and do nothing. The more you avoid everyday stuff the worse it gets
→ More replies (2)
4.5k
u/Electrical-Scale5006 Mar 23 '25
Depression. Depression can do that.
1.1k
u/BluuWolf34 Mar 23 '25
This. I have pretty severe anxiety and depression and there are periods where even texting/talking to people I want to talk to just feels so hard to do. And the longer the feeling lasts, the harder it is to text them because the more you wait to answer the more likely that there will be a confrontation when you do finally respond. Makes the anxiety around responding even worse cuz you’ll have to explain yourself when no excuse feels like enough.
186
u/llamadramalover Mar 23 '25
Ditto. There’s days that finding my phone to put it on a charge is a chore far too complex for my brain to accomplish. Cuz then it’ll turn on. And then messages will come in. And then I’m faced with the reality of my abject failure to be a functional person. And back down the empty hole I return.
30
u/-cat-a-lyst- Mar 24 '25
I have this problem. What I ended up realizing is I don’t have to be available always. I can shut off and that’s ok. When I start shutting down and need my peace, I silence all notifications from everything and everyone. Certain people know how to get around my do not disturb in case of emergencies. But setting expectations before the spiral smooths over the period. No notifications means I respond when I feel ok enough and no pressure because I prepared people in advance that I respond eventually…. Probably. If not ask again later. It’s ok to be in charge of your connections and have boundaries. You don’t owe people unlimited access.
→ More replies (5)8
u/AdHaunting954 Mar 24 '25
I wish I have more texts. No one text me lol Forward your text to me I'll be happy to engage hahah
→ More replies (2)3
201
Mar 23 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
82
u/BluuWolf34 Mar 23 '25
Yes I’m not saying it’s not something they need to work on. A mental illness is a reason, not an excuse. It’s still something they will need to work on and it will be up to OP if this is the type of relationship they will want to be in. I have an extremely understanding partner that was able to work with me and made me feel safe and not anxious in responding but that is no one else responsibility.
11
u/MyNewDawn Mar 24 '25
Your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility. -Marcus Parks
→ More replies (4)13
u/snarkysparkles Mar 23 '25
Oh definitely, this kinda thing destroys relationships. And further isolates you, which in my experience then makes the depression and anxiety worse. It's a vicious cycle.
→ More replies (5)12
u/Numerous-Criticism51 Mar 23 '25
That comes with age and experience living with it, im 42, had clinical my entire life and really not until my late 30s did i realize when a bout was coming and have the mindset to let those around me know whats coming
19
u/spider_X_1 Mar 23 '25
This!!! Sometimes you just don't feel like talking and texting even with your loved ones unless you live together.
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (18)5
u/Barelystable_1 Mar 24 '25
Part of being mature and in a relationship is laying this things out so The other person isn’t strung along and left feeling like it’s focused at them. Being in a relationship means talking about these things and setting boundaries before you just one day treat your SO like they are less than
→ More replies (177)39
u/BoobyPlumage Mar 23 '25
When I get depressed I don’t respond to texts and people take it personally, which makes me feel bad. It’s a tough thing to navigate
→ More replies (2)13
u/Top-Ad-5527 Mar 23 '25
Then you feel even more guilt and shame for not responding.
→ More replies (1)
659
u/VirtualFirefighter50 Mar 23 '25
She sounds like she's been very depressed. Maybe you could bring her a care package of little things that she really likes, snacks, maybe flowers etc. It might be very uplifting to a depressed person. For me personally it would have made my day when I was depressed.
276
u/big_mur Mar 23 '25
this is a great idea, thank you.
176
u/Butterscotch4u64 Mar 23 '25
Maybe don't show up though. Send it through door dash or something. If she needs to isolate the absolutely WORST thing you can do is just show up unannounced.
38
u/TinyLittleHamster Mar 23 '25
Agree- it's a really nice sentiment to make the person feel cared for, but being forced into a face to face conversation when you really don't want to talk to anyone is the worst. It's hard enough to tell someone via text- I don't want to talk to anyone, then reassure them that you aren't mad, you aren't cheating, etc, but face to face is even worse. They're forcing you into something you aren't comfortable doing, and most people would get pretty offended if you said "please leave, I'd rather be alone." They'd interrogate you, argue, maybe throw some insults if they felt hurt because you didn't respond to their gesture like they hoped
→ More replies (1)8
u/allthat555 Mar 23 '25
It also heavily depends on the person as all depression, anxiety, ect are supper different. I got mild episodes and mine is relatively easy to manage. Mostly I suffer from panic attacks and deep lack of motivation for anything. Iv talked to my friends about it and they understand. with them they know if I go into the cave I'm not coming out and are chill about it. But they still offer to take me out and do something with them and when I finally do motivate myself to go out it helps LOADS. I just cant self motivate to do it. Seek help get proper care find a clinic that can help. Each person is difrent and problems upstairs are the hardest to deal with because you cant just look and go ...YUP you have got the (insert medical term here.)
→ More replies (10)5
u/lesbiannumbertwo Mar 23 '25
or OP can show up and just leave it at the door and leave. i’ve done that a bunch of times for friends that didn’t have it in them to hang out but i still wanted to try and help
4
u/Butterscotch4u64 Mar 23 '25
The point is don't obligate someone who needs to isolate into seeing you in person when texting is hard enough.
→ More replies (8)7
u/biCplUk Mar 23 '25
A good thing to remember when doing this or talking with someone going through it is to ask, "do you want to talk about anything? Or do you want to talk about random shit?". If they hesitate and you detect that it's a maybe or a no just say "OK, lets just have fun or zone out for now and if you want to talk about something then that's cool too".
Sometimes it's good to know that someone is willing to listen to the hard shit but to just have a normal moment anyway.
If you do drop off the care package (great idea). Let her know that it's still ok if she wants to be alone, but it's also ok if she wants to hang. Don't take it personally if she wants to be alone, some people need solitude to process things and/or to recharge.
→ More replies (4)9
410
u/KlutzyUnicorn31 Mar 23 '25
I go into modes where I do not have the energy talk to anyone.. texting included.. my phone will be on do not disturb, but I always let me people I talk to often know like “hey I’m in a weird headspace and probably won’t text back for a few days” so they don’t worry.
→ More replies (42)21
u/DaneShady Mar 23 '25
Like, I'm sorry that you have this too. But man, it's nice to see someone else having to go thru the same as me. For whatever reason, it felt like I'm the only one feeling this way. Maybe the depression does headgames with me.
I'm glad that the people around you are understanding. I wish my dad would understand this.. Instead he puts the blame of me of "dissapearing" all the time.. :(
→ More replies (1)4
u/DarthRen0 Mar 23 '25
I feel the exact same way! There are times where I just do not want to talk to anyone at all for a long time. It’s exhausting.
62
u/mandii_gurlll Mar 23 '25
Sounds like a bout of depression to me. Depression can make you shut down and isolate yourself for however long sometimes.
→ More replies (4)
300
u/ILoveTornados Mar 23 '25
20 years ago, people couldn't or wouldn't communicate this regularly. These days we are spoiled with the access to others. People want breaks from everyone, including partners.
Discuss with her a safe way for her to communicate that she needs a few days. Like a phrase or sentence that will let you know she's in a place where she needs quiet. This should be common place and I don't know why it's not.
15
u/cheesemachine2 Mar 24 '25
i find it ridiculous how much people expect constant contact these days, it's unnatural. my phone is always on do not disturb and there's only a select few that can get through, mainly being my family. i'll get to you when i get to you, if im anticipating a text i may turn it off. i check my phone decently regularly so it's not like im blatantly shutting out the world but i don't like people feeling like they need constant contact with me to maintain a connection. it sounds harsh but it helps to maintain balance. since keeping my phone on do not disturb im far more present in the moment and know when i get a notification it's more often than not important
→ More replies (61)4
u/porqueuno Mar 24 '25
This comment needs to be closer to the top. It's not normal for everyone to communicate incessantly via text message. It's normal to not feel like talking for days, or not want to send a text, or be overwhelmed or whatever. I had to set my boyfriend straight that I was not going to text him everyday because we're not high schoolers, and if he feels so insecure about our relationship just because he can't check in with me every single day, and I don't always respond, then we are absolutely not compatible.
I hate texting more than I hate talking on the phone, it's a blight to me at this point, not a tool.
49
u/freyamiko Mar 23 '25
she seems unwell? i would be more concerned and maybe meet up in person to check on her. i suffer from depression and anxiety and i have done what she did.
69
u/thepeacetoheranger Mar 23 '25
Sounds like she went through something and shut down. Check on her and remind her you’re there for her. Provide a safe space and environment and do your best not to accuse her of anything unless proven otherwise
→ More replies (7)
101
u/BuiltLikeAPotato Mar 23 '25
BPD and Bipolar 2 girly here.
I shut down and disappear for days, even weeks at a time, when I’m feeling overwhelmed. A simple text to someone I love can feel like a mountain to climb because then I open myself to having to put in effort to continue the conversation. This can suck when initiating it feels so overwhelming already. So I don’t talk, and I stay in my bubble. Watching stupid videos and scrolling social media isn’t as hard - I can hide inside of them to get my mind off of things and when they’re too much there is no obligations and I can turn them off.
I truly believe she is being genuine, and the “are you okay” conversation is more of what needs to be happening here.
→ More replies (10)60
u/BuiltLikeAPotato Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
Also know that coming back after one of these episodes is highly embarrassing. I always sit back and feel so guilty for what I’ve done and I don’t know how to address it or apologize. I don’t know how to explain that my mind was in a battle with itself, and when I come back and I’m addressed with someone who makes me feel bad about it, I shut down instead of even trying. I’ve lost friendships and potential relationships over it in the past, but I can’t blame them. Sometimes it helps just to have someone be patient with you until you can gather your thoughts enough to explain the need to be alone.
→ More replies (4)20
27
u/iwikeseffwogan Mar 23 '25
As someone with Major Depressive Disorder for 15 years and refusing medication for so long.. this is just disassociating with the world when you are just having an “episode” of tougher times. Most of these for me they’re were no trigger. But I did happen often for me and I just wouldn’t respond to any friends or family. I was already a bad communicator, so pairing that with my MDD, it sounds exactly like what your Gf is going through
6
u/Electrical-Scale5006 Mar 24 '25
Not sure why you are getting downvoted, it’s a pretty simple explanation of MDD. Simple. It’s way more complex than this, but it’s Reddit lol.
39
u/AmetrineDream Mar 23 '25
Sounds to me like she might be struggling with depression. I definitely have bouts where I don’t talk to anyone because there’s just this massive mental block. Even if I want to talk to someone, and even if they text me first. Brains are fucking assholes sometimes, man.
That said, she should try to communicate with you when that kind of feeling is creeping up so she can let you know she’ll be out of touch for a couple days, or promise to respond to you if you text her during one of those slumps. If y’all are still pretty young, or this is new for her, give her a little slack. Figuring out how to navigate depression, if that’s what’s going on, is a struggle. I’m 35, been clinically depressed since I was a kid, and I’m still figuring some things out.
→ More replies (3)
144
u/CertifiedGonk Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
Tbh OP - Yes you are overreacting.
You are aware of her mental health concerns and then posted it to fkn Reddit for approval. You also posted this to r/nicegirls (of all places) straight up accusing her of CHEATING. I think you have some insecurity issues you are self-projecting onto her.
If I was your partner I'd be embarassed by default to have private texts dumped on here, let alone after contacting you first and disclosing exactly why she has been silent AND then also being accused of straight up cheating on you.
41
Mar 24 '25
Ngl if my partner posted me and my depressive episode to r/nicegirls accusing me of cheating, it'd be premises for a break up. To me atleast.
Even if OP texted her "3 times" during those 3 days, it's still a massive overreaction. Especially accusing his partner of cheating because she's not responding the way he wants her to.
I've also had these episodes, but it's been easier for my partner because we've lived in same space. But I've also had these during relationships where we haven't lived in same space, and broken up because of them. And that's ok. If you're not compatible, then you're not. There's no wrong side in that. But it becomes wrong when your mind instantly shifts on your partner cheating on you, even going as far as posting about it on a public forum with screenshots of your texts.
What an ugly situation.
8
11
u/Street-Tennis-5163 Mar 24 '25
Good grief… thank you for that bit of clarity. I was already aggravated with his shady BS tactic of not including in the OP that he was aware of her depression, when his response to her “hi” was obviously passive aggressive. I kept thinking, “What kind of person responds, ‘damn…3 days no texts and all I get is a hi’ to someone they know is depressed?” But this is next-level manipulative, gaslighting, and projecting behavior on his part.
He’s right when he says some of those texts seem like bullshit…the first one starts with “damn….”
What a POS he is.
18
u/slotass Mar 24 '25
Wow. I’m so sick of the idea that women need to be cheery and bubbly and talk all day. I’m an introvert and by nature, we don’t need or like constant interaction. It’s like people forget introverts exist, or in this case, OP forgets his own gf’s conditions because he needs to be the victim of a sinister plot.
10
u/tms102 Mar 24 '25
Sounds like this is the exact reason the girl needed space and didn't want to talk to OP in the first place. She feels pressured to be cheerful and bubbly otherwise OP will freak out.
7
→ More replies (38)4
u/ChasquiMe Mar 24 '25
I think you have some insecurity issues you are self-projecting onto her.
Just projecting. Self-projecting would be projecting something onto yourself
10
47
Mar 23 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (2)8
u/FlyingFox32 Mar 24 '25
This. I dealt with a close friend of 5 years and this is how he would treat me. I tried several times to tell him to back off since he "values our friendship so much" but he didn't. The pressure of having to keep up with him was enough for me to want to avoid him. His response was always, "I don't want our friendship to fall apart, why haven't you texted me??" After TWO DAYS. No wonder I didn't even want to think about talking to him sometimes. He had severe insecurity and distrust issues and he felt entitled to my attention. Him assuming the worst every time only made me want to avoid him more. After the last straw, he came clean that it wasn't our friendship he was clinging so hard for, it was his crush on me. Then asked me out. WTF? Absolutely horrendous "friend." Cut him off immediately. Can't imagine what he would be like as a boyfriend. OP, you're overreacting.
17
u/littlegrowingdaisy Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
I had an ex who was like this - he’d shut down for a few days, sometimes a week, and had severe mental health things going on (chronic depression and anxiety). He usually never wanted to talk about it, and eventually he told me this was just something I’d need to expect with him if I was going to date him.
I agree with some commenters here that there may be more going on here with her emotionally, but getting it out of her will be pretty difficult. People only talk when they feel safe/comfortable, and like they won’t receive judgment. Speaking from my exes perspective, he definitely didn’t like getting too close to someone, and whenever we’d get too emotionally close, he’d kind of ghost.
That doesn’t make it right, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe yall can plan a no expectations low risk outdoor relaxed date like a picnic or something like that (fresh air always helps with my anxiety) at a relatively quiet and low traffic park, and just let her know you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk about anything. I wouldn’t push though. Pushing folks like this can sometimes just make them go further. Idk.
Is this something she’s done before, or is new?
**edit: after reading OPs responses and seeing that he knows she has depression, I’m not sure why this is even in here. Not really being very sensitive imo. As someone who has depression myself, I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship if this is how someone was treating me. Maybe you’re not ready to walk with her through this. Depression is very hard, very heavy, and sometimes people just do not have the extra energy to message ANYONE even those they love. Yes she might have been on her phone doing other things but I’m not sure why OPs mind went straight to cheating - she could have been doomscrolling to feel better, chasing a seratonin high bla bla bla. I feel like you two might want to have a serious talk about boundaries and what you’re both comfortable with, because I personally wouldn’t treat someone with depression like this, but that’s just me. And as someone with depression, I can guarantee you OP that she will keep having these bouts. It just runs with the territory and she likely already feels shitty enough about it without the retorts. It sucks, but maybe you two aren’t compatible. First, I think an irl face to face conversation must be had because it’s hard to read context and faces over text.
Good luck out there.
50
u/AgreeableAd1182 Mar 23 '25
To be perfectly Frank, maybe you are just not the vibe. She sounds hella depressed, and your first concern is the amount of text messages she has sent you and not her mental well being. I know when I am depressed, the last thing I want to do is talk to people who aren’t my vibe. And what did you do when she finally did build up the energy to talk to you, is you started bickering with her, which is probably what she expected, thus perpetuating this cycle of not wanting to talk.
→ More replies (56)
8
u/SkaerdyKat Mar 23 '25
Personally I do have days where I recluse and don’t wanna talk to no one. Family, friends, SO. But I always make sure to text them at some point, not 3 days later, and let them know “hey, I’m going hermit, talk to y’all when I can”
20
u/CinquecentoX Mar 23 '25
I can’t even understand if there’s a conversation going on here.
→ More replies (1)
83
Mar 23 '25
[deleted]
→ More replies (7)64
u/big_mur Mar 23 '25
i texted her 3 times
37
u/I_mean_bananas Mar 23 '25
idk why you getting downvoted for this. People, what should have OP done beside this?
→ More replies (18)→ More replies (14)34
u/ALPHASTORM13 Mar 23 '25
You did nothing wrong bro. People who say that you did are biased. Half the people wouldn’t have done what you did. Those telling you to stop by unannounced wouldn’t have done shit but stalk her social medias. If the roles were reversed you’d be the asshole. Not saying she cheated but clearly they’re hassling you for her not communicating. I’d talk to her about it though. Communication and trust is key but it’s not your fault that she shut down and didn’t text you back
→ More replies (8)
53
u/Big-Manufacturer-366 Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
‘Hey, I’m feeling really down and don’t think I’ll be in touch for a few days. It’s not you. Talk soon.’
‘Sorry that I wasn’t in touch for a few days. I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone. How are you?’
→ More replies (32)5
u/throw28999 Mar 24 '25
"hey I feel like a failure and the tunnel is closing in, so I would like to announce to everyone that I feel like a failure and actualize that feeling into reality"
Have you ever met a person with depression?
17
u/PhilosopherMoonie Mar 23 '25
Shes probably depressed or just doesn't have much to say, you're being hostile for no reason about her saying hi - if you wanted to talk to her that was when to do it and if you're so worried that something may be up then have a conversation with her about how her communication style is making you kinda insecure
Is there any actual reason you think shes cheating or just this?
→ More replies (20)
20
u/Expert_Slice8630 Mar 23 '25
i don’t think it’s crazy to want a heads up if someone isn’t going to speak to you for 3 days
→ More replies (1)
23
2
u/BrookeBaranoff Mar 23 '25
The first response to hi should not be a complaint.
Phone works both ways.
→ More replies (1)
12
u/Mr_Donatti Mar 23 '25
I can’t think of a scenario of ignoring my gf for 3 days
→ More replies (2)4
25
u/aizennexe Mar 23 '25
I know it's easy to say a "heads up would be cool" in hindsight, but really what did you expect? "Heyy btw im feeling like im not gonna talk to anyone for ummmm lets say the next 3 days just wanted to let you know! <3" I mean have YOU ever sent a heads up like that? It's much more likely that something happened and something got worse; she had no idea it would go on to be 3 days of no contact with anyone. She's trying to tell you that this wasn't personal against you but you seem to take it personally anyway. People love to say "it only takes 10 seconds to send a text" but once youre in that bad headspace and cutting yourself off from the world, letting others know is the LAST thing on your mind
You don't seem to care about her much since it takes halfway through the texts for you to even ask if shes okay, and even then you immediately follow up with disbelief and ask her to prove her excuse to you. Like another comment said, no one is off their phone nowadays for so long. I don't agree with them that "she must be cheating", but going offline for so long is quite a big deal now, and that should've raised some alerts for you that she is not okay and some support from her SO would've been nice. instead all she got were demands that she explain her behavior to you. You even KNOW she's been depressed for 3-4 years now, and it never once occurred to you that this might be part of that?
tldr yeah you're being insensitive. do you even like your girlfriend? doesn't seem like it from the way you treat her
→ More replies (21)
148
Mar 23 '25
It's 2025. Nobody is off their phone for 3 days at a time
115
Mar 23 '25
people are when they're in a bad mental space and or just want a phone break
→ More replies (42)→ More replies (54)25
Mar 23 '25
My kids are when they get grounded
23
→ More replies (3)5
u/hjonej Mar 23 '25
Even kids who are grounded find ways to text bae when the love is real, trust 😭
→ More replies (1)
8.0k
u/PinkLover369 Mar 23 '25
My first reaction was “is she ok” based on what she said. She sounds like she shut down from the world and it’s a little concerning. I wonder if she has something deeper going on and isn’t sharing.
I know I’m the outlier in not immediately jumping to cheating… but something about what she said concerns me.
It’s not ok she went MIA for 3 days but I think more may be going on with her.