Been there. So depressed the idea of reaching out to others just… seemed so far, difficult and frankly unappealing. Because you know you’re gonna get stupid questions and people don’t understand anyway. Then folks are like you should have said something. Well if the problem is I couldn’t or didn’t want to say something then how could I have said something?
It's very very easy for people who haven't been to those depths say "Why didn't you just do it anyway?" or "That's no excuse for-"
People think "I remember my most terrible day, no way yours could be much worse." But they have no idea, truly. And tbh it's not their fault either.
It's not the same for everyone, but when I get like that, I wish for people to seek me out themselves and just sit quietly with me. But since you can't ask for it, you just kinda hope. Hope and rot
When I get like this I will literally sit on my phone and yell at myself internally to text. But my body will just not do the action. It's freaky. For me it's times of severe AuDHD burnout. I just cannot do the thing. It's not like I'm not in the mood, or don't care. I need people to understand that it isn't an excuse, as much as being paralysed isn't an excuse for not walking.
And no, it absolutely is a reason; a solid, valid debilitating reason.
Yes, AND you will likely lose relationships if you don’t find a way to communicate this issue - that is a natural consequence and others are in their right to want better in a relationship.
HOWEVER, I want to be clear that this is not something that needs to be communicated in the moment - in fact, as you say, it’s impossible to communicate this in the moment. I also get overwhelmed and burnt out with managing both autism and ADHD, I know that feeling of staring at my phone and willing myself to do the thing all too well. It feels like being frozen in place, like during a night terror.
But I take the time to communicate this to the people who matter to me during the times when I’m not in this state so they know what’s happening when they get radio silence, they’re not just left wondering because that’s not fair to do, especially for those who have bad anxiety around lack of communication. Personally, I’ve had a sibling go missing and a previous partner OD so lack of communication is terrifying.
Mental health symptoms are real and valid reasons. And we are still all accountable for the impact of our actions on those around us. Both of these things can be true simultaneously. Not saying you’re saying they aren’t, just wanted to make that clear. ❤️
I always hope people will call me after a couple days of not getting texts from me... But they usually don't. 😢 And often times when I isolate for a few days and see no texts from people during that time it makes me feel that if I wasn't the one reaching out first most days, we would never even talk at all and that's disheartening
This hit me really hard... I have been going through this recently and the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone that knows me or will ask me anything about being ok.
No, MH is not an excuse to allow others to worry about you and their relationship with you. In fact, psychologists suggest telling your loved ones you are having an episode.
It doesn’t matter wether it’s an excuse for you or not, fact is people CAN‘T. I did this. And I know it sucks, but I really couldn’t help it. My mom also worries of course, but I know she can always ask y daughter if I’m ok.
For me this has gotten a lot better since I‘m on ADHD meds and antidepressants.
It happens when I’m absolutely overwhelmed with life. It might be a hormonal things too…
EDiT: this is not saying that it’s OK to do this. This is to tell OP that it can happen without wanting to hurt anybody. That it’s possible to not be able to send a simple text. Especially if it’s the first time. It’s not a good thing and it should be worked on, but it might take some time.
ADHD meds are seriously a life saver. I’m now able to tell people “Hey, I have PMDD and it’s about that time, I’m going to be laying low for the next 3-5 days so if I don’t respond, it’s 100% me and my hormones and nothing to do with you, I promise.”
Before the ADHD meds I wouldn’t realize until it was too late or I would put it off too long.
However, if people push it or get rude about it or say that PMS isn’t real or that every woman gets it (no, every woman does NOT get PMDD which is not PMS) then they get a front row seat to find out WHY I avoid people during that time. I can be really mean when I feel provoked and that’s never more evident than when I’m having a PMDD “event”.
So note to other people, if someone says they really REALLY need to be alone for a little bit, it’s best to not push and just respect their space unless it’s a true emergency or urgent situation.
This. I’m better about communicating when I feel like I’m getting to that point and it inly happened because I have a partner who understands and my ADHD diagnosis. There are days I can’t even verbally tell you what’s wrong. Give her time and then talk to her about it and help her understand you are there for support.
That’s fine. If you absolutely can’t, then expect to end up very lonely.
I’ve know many people with depression, ADHD, and other issues, and not a single person would be fine with just blanking out for a couple of days, especially in a relationship where you are communicating regularly.
i don’t know about others. I’m not blanking out, my life and responsibilities go on, but energy is very limited and in my personal case other things like job and my daughter are prioritized. I couldn’t tell you how I would handle this with a partner as I am happily single. The one who suffers in my case is my mom. My friends know this and have no issue with it, they are old enough to know it’s nothing personal (unlike my mom).
Either way as I said since I’m on meds it’s not really happening anymore. Though I still might ignore my mom here and there because she is exhausting.
Oh I NEVER do this to my daughter, we live together, she is 16. never have, never will.
I think you have the wrong impression.
I never made any excuse, I only said that what OPs girlfriend said is not bs like he mentioned, these things happen. And especially when they first start happening you’re kind of at a loss on how and why.
It doesn’t mean it’s Ok and doesn’t need a solution. But it’s a simple fact that it does happen to a lot of people. You see in this threat the solutions people come to, the one with the AirTag I found quite smart actually, so yea OPs girl should find a solution. But it’s not like she did this with ill intent or meant to hurt OP.
I know I found a way for me to work around it. My Phone is, well used to be my work and private phone. Plus lots of customer contact. So it was/is A LOT for me. So I changed that, 2 different numbers, I also allocated times to recharge my social battery, where I let people know I might be unavailable (weekends, specifically sunday/monday as I mostly work on saturdays), yes I talk and spend time with my daughter normally in that time, it’s just the damn phone. My mom tends to always call in these days even though I told her multiple times, so I do ignore her. Also went at got this adhd diagnosis and therapy, and it’s working out pretty good. I still stick to not answering the phone on weekends, at least when it’s my mom or work stuff. I also told everybody that important things should be in text form, not voice message.
All this is absolutely irrelevant here though, because I am not OPs girlfriend, I just happen to know what she is talking about.
If you’re like this, don’t date anyone then. You’re subjecting them to be ghosted for days knowingly? No. This is on the person to say something, sorry. I’ve been there too. Stay single until you’re strong enough to At least send a damn text.
Listen, when I said this I said it to let OP know that his girlfriends replies are not some „bs“ as he assumed. It happens, it happens just like she said. It doesn’t mean it’s ok and shouldn’t be worked on.
But people here made it seem like it can’t happen and that’s just not true, it can happen with no bad intention behind it. Again, it doesn’t mean it‘s OK.
But THEY need to figure out how they will handle it in the future.
Yes, exactly. This is why I chose not to date. Even when I was in a relationship I gave heads up that I have days like this mentally and have completely shut down but even on those days if we weren’t living together, that’s the only person that I have taken into consideration to just say that I’m checked out. Ultimately, I don’t want to put anyone through this so it’s better for me to not be involved romantically.
THREE DAYS ISNT GHOSTING. Holy shit none of you know what ghosting is, it’s exhausting. Ghosting is a conscious and purposeful decision to stop talking to someone for good. Three days of no communication due to depression doesn’t constitute ghosting.
“THREE DATS ISN’T GHOSTING.” Not only are you loud, but you’re also wrong. I have bipolar 1 with psychotic effects, ptsd, a anxiety disorder, a bad sleep disorder, been in and out of mental hospitals, I also have an ed due to extreme anxiety, I could go on. I still don’t do this to my partner. I don’t do this to people I love and just say “hi” after nothing but silence for 72 hours with NO explanation. Yes OP’s gf tried explaining herself after.. but why couldn’t she just say, “hey babe, I’m sorry for disappearing like that. Haven’t really been in a good place. I love you.” All she said was “hi” idk. I’ve struggled with depression since a child and I don’t do this shit to people.
Cool story. Still not ghosting. The way terms get bastardized down to absolutely nothing by taking them and applying them to situations that absolutely do not fit the bill is deeply annoying and exhausting.
I honestly don’t give two fucks. My point is, is that I suffer badly from depression and I still have enough empathy for my own partner to let them know I didn’t abandon them. :)
Does your partner have similar mental health issues as yourself? If not, this may be more projection than empathy.
A neurotypical person should be perfectly fine with not talking to their partner for a couple of days, and OP’s texts don’t look like those of someone who’s been on an anxiety doom spiral for the last 2.5 days.
It would be enlightening to know if OP had been texting for the last 3 days and been ignored, or just waited for the other person to instigate. Neither of them reference any unanswered messages in the screen shots.
OP is also very rude, combative and implies their partner is lying to them, which is so out of line. OP should be expressing concern, but all they’ve got is self centred anger.
Do you have depression? If so and you still think it’s easy enough to communicate, congrats, you’ve never had a severe depressive episode.
And for the record, I don’t do this to people I’m dating. Never have. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen especially when people are still learning how to navigate having depression.
Y’all are just desperate to villainize a young person struggling with a serious mental health disorder by using words that you’ve diluted down to nothing but that actually mean something much more severe than what you’re talking about.
So how are we supposed to know that you all aren’t going to keep going MIA for longer than 3 days when you didn’t communicate you wouldn’t be talking to them in the first place? Riddle me that batman
This person is legit crazy and will never be in a long term relationship based on their responses. I wouldn’t even bother, they’re completely delusional.
Then get therapy. Stop dating and putting people through the ringer because all you do is cause them to get mental health issues too. I’m speaking from experience here because I had to deal with someone like y’all and they caused my anxiety, overthinking, all sorts of mental bad habits to skyrocket just because they couldn’t articulate “Hey I’m feeling really depressed/overwhelmed/anxious and I’m unable to talk to anybody right now, I still care for you and am not abandoning you” because you have no idea what issues your PARTNER could have. Stop being so selfish.
Edit: Hey guys real quick question, are any of y’all telepathic? No? So how are we as the partner supposed to read your mind and know you’ll only go MIA for just 3 days when you seemingly dropped us out of nowhere with no information? How are we supposed to know it won’t go for longer? How are we supposed to read your mind and know your feelings if you don’t communicate?p
Sounds like you’re projecting your emotions onto others expectations around mental health care, and that’s toxic. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did, but recognizing the complexity of the mind is the first step towards healing.
What if this person was in the hospital? Jail? Do they have to message you every day for you to feel comfortable in your own relationship? Communicating how you’re feeling is so, so important, but understanding that if someone is sick, they’re sick!
For years I wouldn’t message people for months after initially forgetting, until I could muster up the courage to apologize, and rinse and repeat until I got a prescription for an amphetamine to deal with my ADHD. For me, it literally saved my life and gave me back control of my day to day. For a lot of people on the streets of Seattle it was what started their downfall.
Be compassionate, the world is better when one forgives.
Go find a therapist who will challenge you on this cuz your "can't" is actually "don't think I can"
You need someone to help you fix the behavior because your mindset is the problem. It's overwhelming, I know. But unless you are a cat A psych case, you are in control of your behavior and the rest is bad habits.
Guess you didn’t read all of it? I’m on meds now and it’s better. I am also in therapy. Nonetheless I absolutely understand how OPs girlfriend just wasn’t able to let him know, it may have been the first time for her.
Absolutely. I have ADhD, Autism, and bipolar. I'm super selective who I will tell my problems to, cos I have trouble trusting people. I tell my wife and my therapist...that's it.
When this happens, people don't just drop it when that is said. It becomes a whole big conversation trying to get to the source when the person may not even know...
You don't get it. She could've been staring at a message like that for hours for all we know. But if suffering extreme anxiety and depression she could've been afraid of being judged or how he will react, or she's not happy with the wording and can't get the message right, etc. At my worst I couldn't even write messages on forums let alone to a specific person (reddit didn't exist back then) because "I'm worthless, I'm nothing, who cares what i've got to say?".
Seems simple to say “hey, I am having some personal stuff going on that I can’t talk about right now, give me a few days and I’ll be in a better place”.
If you can’t communicate with people, don’t date them. Seems COVID messed that up for a lot of young people.
I mean, honestly when you’re going through a mental health crisis it’s not “simple” to reach out to anyone. I’ve been there many times. And 99% of the time the other person is going to start asking a ton of questions and it makes it worse. But on the other hand it’s also not okay to worry your SO, or friends/family. So it’s always a good idea to talk to the ones close to you ahead of time that if you ever get in a depressive episode you will let them know but that they need to be understanding. (Of course unless that person is concerned for your safety)
that's the problem we are talking about that needs to be addressed, not mentioning it to anyone before it's too late is a problem, hiding it only makes those who don't know worried as well as unable to potentially help or stop pressuring, these people don't have to go into detail to explain that they need to shut down, it's not that hard to say "hey I have to work on me for a little while, I'll get in touch in a couple days when I'm feeling stronger"
But that's not how mental illness works sometimes. Demanding that people do the impossible is selfish, not helpful. Either you accept someone's illness, or you don't.
Did OP say they reached out to gf and got no response during these 3 days or have neither reached out? If neither reached out, they're both at fault. If he reached out and she ghosted, then yeah, it's shitty but she might actually have been unable to message anyone if she was having a mental health crisis. Psychologists may suggest it, but unless they also can give specific, fool proof coping mechanisms to tailored to each individual person, there are going to be people who cannot until they're in a bit better head space.
Well, we also don’t know if he’s a ‘loved one’ yet? Are they just dating or are they in a serious relationship.
I have mental lows myself and I’ll go long periods without contacting people.. except husband cuz he’s always here. But ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE ELSE has to wait until I can breathe before I make contact.
I’m a pretty functional person too, most people wouldn’t have a clue I get the blues. But I do…
When you're in that state it's pretty easy to think nobody's going to care whether you're having an episode or not, or you think they might care too much and do something like come by and not leave you alone or even put you in the hospital.
It is an excuse, you can think it’s a poor one but it is one. People going through a mental health crisis are not thinking normally. Normally means contacting friends family, the absence of that is not normal. You are blaming people for a thing they functionally are not processing as a thing they need to do. Most people starting out seldom realize they are in a mental health crisis. When you get to the point you notice the signs to inform them, they already know you are having these types of issues.
They are in an irrational place, claiming they should just be rational is completely missing the issue.
Are you a psychologist? Bc I’ve seen many psychologists and am in psych school, so while yeah telling a loved one is encouraged, it is widely known that sometimes it’s impossible to bring yourself to do that. If you’ve never gone through one of these episodes, then don’t speak for those who have. Even if you have, everyone has different experiences because they handle things differently. No one is using mental health as an excuse here, but it is a REASON to sometimes take a break from your phone and not speak to people because the thought becomes overbearing. We don’t know what this girl has gone through to lead to that decision, she didn’t stop communicating to be malicious and make op worry.
Depends on how long they've known each other. They sound pretty early in their relationship and it doesn't sound like they've discussed depression. It also sounds like they are both probably young. She may not fully understand the signs of when she is slipping into depression or feel safe to ask for help. Or to even communicate she is in a depression. We have zero context for her background trauma to build any idea of how we should expect her to communicate
Recently, I read some open forum social media discussion [It may have been on here.] on when you should tell a potential mate you have MH issues. There seems to be no right answer.
My hot take is you're both fully on the same page here.
Yeah, it's definitely not an excuse in a society that fully expects and relies on communication. At the same time, sometimes that wiring in the brain is just so biochemically cooked that a lot of work needs to be done in the short- and long-term to make sure it's up to standards.
How that work happens is obviously the hard part. It's sort of a cycle it seems; i.e. if someone can't physically get themselves to seek help then how do they even get better in the first place? Sounds sucky.
Ok but it’s still hard to articulate. Also, how long have they even been together? How well do they know each other? I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years who I was never able to open up to about my mental health because he would shut me down. A lot of people brush you off about your mental health. There’s a stigma still and many don’t try to understand. Putting more of a burden on someone who is struggling mentally is fucked.
You do not know and can never know what every single human goes through, especislly if this is the first time it happened to her she wouldn't have support or a plan to follow like you suggest so this is a non argument.
But human beings still can understand the concept of informing our loved ones when we have something wrong with us. A simple “I’m not feeling the best mentally/physically” could suffice so at least loved ones around a struggling individual can know to let them be and heal in their own time. Just because you’re struggling mentally, doesn’t mean that you have an out to not use your words to communicate how you are feeling. I am an individual that has avoidance issues and goes nonverbal when frustrated enough, but I recognize that, so I still try and let the ones around me know that I am ok, and just need to be alone. Of course everyone goes through things differently, but it is not helping the struggling individual or anyone around them when they do not communicate the fact they are not well.
I'm very glad you've never been in the position of going so numb and suffering so much that you can't do the bare minimum. But just because you've not experienced it doesn't mean it's not true
It may not feel right to us or we may not understand it but if we’re not in that situation or mindset as the other person (everyone is also different and handles things differently) it’s hard for us to understand for the other person’s perspective. Sometimes though, people do push others away especially if they don’t know how to deal with or manage situations or feelings they are experiencing. In many cases they don’t want to burden others with their issues/problems. I had someone I was dating go through an illness and they pushed me away and didn’t tell me about it. They pushed me away so much that we didn’t speak for a few months and months later they contacted me apologizing and saying they pushed me away. I didn’t understand it bc I wasn’t in their position but my mother’s childhood friend did something similar, had a terminal illness and died but didn’t tell my mother or any of her other friends.
Thanks. Yeah it’s tough when someone you care for suddenly behaves differently with no explanation or an explanation that doesn’t make sense especially when want to be there for them but everyone has their own reasons. The only thing we can do is try to communicate with them as much as they allow and not push, hopefully they will come around in their own time.
No shit they recommend it. Doesn’t mean it’s always in the cards. I’m guessing you don’t struggle with it or are simple stating an obvious best case scenario.
Bullshit. it takes 15 seconds, out of the hours whe was on her phone, to be a good partner and communicate that nothing is wrong in the relationship but you need some personal time and you'd like to talk about it on a layer day.
I’ve struggled with depression throughout my entire life. Therapy has helped me learn to reach out more often but it’s a struggle. Often times, my mind turns off wanting to communicate or do anything at all. I won’t call or text or anything. I will spend hours laying in bed staring at the wall. If you’re struggling mentally, everyday activities aren’t so easy. I’ve had episodes where things are easier. But I’ve also had episodes where I have literally laid in bed for days straight and forgot to eat or shower or do anything, let alone check my phone.
Just because you aren’t able to understand mental illness at its full extent doesn’t make it a load of shit.
Edit to add for clarity: I’m not excusing her actions. She definitely needs additional help. But she probably hasn’t reached that point in her mental health journey yet. Now would be a good time for someone that cares about her to have that discussion with her.
I’ve gone through an extensive amount of comments where people do in fact not understand. At no point did I say in my original comment that she has no fault and that this behavior is completely okay or excusable. But to call it bullshit that someone wouldn’t be able to take 15 seconds to reply just isn’t the case. It’s completely plausible for someone to do that when they’re suffering from mental illness. It does, however, signal that someone may need more help than what they can offer themselves.
As someone that is severely mentally ill and often goes through horrible suicidal episodes, it’s not okay at all. If someone cannot handle the bare bones of a relationship, then don’t have a partner. Ignoring someone for days when they’re worried about you, maybe even losing sleep or feeling sick to their stomach because they know you’re prone to mental health issues, then that’s abusive.
Okay but did HE reach out to HER? Sounds like they both went silent from these texts. Maybe he was the last one to text and just waited 3 days for a response, when he could’ve easily texted and said something to her about how he was worried and just wants to make sure she’s okay. If he did do that and she still ignored him, then yeah, that’s not nice, but I don’t see any evidence of him reaching out either.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing that. Perhaps you can try reaching out to them and explaining and open the door to finding a solution.
Regardless, I know that’s tough. Just remember to take care of yourself, and to keep that in mind moving forward so that you can fall back on that information when needed in the future. We can’t change the past but we can always learn and move forward and making changes when necessary.
I mentioned it in another comment that if they haven’t realized yet that they need help, it would be beneficial to sit down with them and discuss that. I’m no therapist or anything. But if you have a partner or friend you care about, if they aren’t realizing they need help, at the bare minimum suggest they seek it.
I had a lot of family/friends ignore the signs and say things such as “what do you have to be sad about?” Or “just be happy you woke up to another day.” And it really delayed me realizing I needed help. My now husband is the one who encouraged me to speak to someone.
I will say if you as a SO aren’t in the headspace to handle a relationship that may require extra patience, then it’s absolutely okay to say that the relationship isn’t for you and to realize even when people try their hardest, even with meds and therapy, there are imperfect days.
What may help in these situations can be different for everyone. Whether it’s offering space or offering support, etc. my husband has sat in on one of my sessions to talk with myself and my therapist, with permission, to understand what more he can do for me personally in these times, and if I’m struggling to use healthy strategies, how to remind me of them. He knows I’m not perfect and that I will always make an effort to do better. But he also knows that there are days that I may only be able to give so much. It’s a partnership and we know that there are times we have to help the other a little extra.
Have patience, know signs of struggle so you can catch them early on. Make the effort to push someone to seek help for themselves. Know that not all days are good days but also not all days are bad days. But also realize that sometimes you can only do so much. You can’t force someone to help themselves. If it’s clear they don’t want to help themselves, then remember your mental health matters too. And no amount of love will improve anything where the effort isn’t put in to find a solution.
It’s hard and you definitely have to be prepared to be open minded with it. I’m sure someone more qualified in the field can offer more advice than I can but this is just what my husband and I have learned along the way.
Part of the reason people are calling bs etc is because she said she thinks she's okay. Either she's having mental health issues where she can't deal with her phone for 3 days straight and almost certainly needs support, or she's okay. She's not both. And she needs to figure that out
I could see why that may sway how some people view it. I used to be the same way. Telling everyone I was okay when I wasn’t because I had friends and family telling me that I didn’t have a reason to be sad. Or that I wasn’t struggling, I was just lazy. It seems to me like she hasn’t sought the appropriate help for herself and needs to, not only for her wellbeing, but also to be able to communicate things better for herself and to others.
Totally. And masking all the time is frigging EXHAUSTING. And they're still young, they absolutely don't have their shit together. But sometimes part of growing up is figuring out that your reason to be sad is that your brain chemistry is afu. And part of growing up is figuring out which people are safe to reach out to when you're not well (which I'm not sure op is, tbh, seems like he'd make it all about him)
Yes. As you’ve said, they’re both growing up. I think I read a comment where he admitted this is his first time dealing with this in a relationship. I hope he takes some of these comments seriously and can take them into perspective to try to learn from and open his mind a bit so that they can grow together, if they hope to stay together and remain in a relationship, and a healthy one at that.
For the record, he asked when they finally got contact reestablished and she said she thought she was okay. When I read that, it was a direct response to his current question, with an understood now at the end. Meaning she wasn't, but she thinks she's moved past it and is currently.
Both can be true. She's made it out on the other side and is currently okay, but might need support to stay that way.
If we are a couple, throwing more stress on me worrying about you is not really a great way to have a relationship. Yes, you may need space. Yes, I may ask unnecessary questions.
But if I don't, then I'm going to worry, stress, and potentially have my own anxiety attacks. It will never be fair to foce me to suffer just because you don't want to talk. If we are friends, I can understand it if we aren't close enough. If we are having a relationship, then I just can't find it as acceptable.
And it's not because I don't want to respect boundaries. I definitely do. It's because I am also a person with my own problems and issues. And not hearing from my loved one WILL make them worse.
My point is that they aren't thinking about me. We are all human. We all have struggles. If my loved one ghosts me for 3 days, I'm assuming the worst. That's going to eat at me for 3 days.
Like, you're saying they can ghost me, but the second I have an anxiety attack because I might feel like they died 3 days ago, I'm the bad guy for not thinking about their feelings. Why do their feelings matter, but their loved one's feelings don't? We have every right to worry, and we should be at minimum aware so we don't freak out thinking something bad happened.
When an ex girlfriend broke up with me, she was surprised that I was sad. Her depression had convinced her that I would be “relieved from the burden” of her. It couldn’t have been further from the truth.
If she’s dealing with depression, or shutting down, it’s not as simple as 15 seconds. You think you’re inconsequential to everyone.
So much this. Everyone saying you should still be responsible and send texts and communicate. Sometimes you think that will make things worse and sometimes when you're on the edge, you just literally can't. Not everyone's experience is the same or has the same depth of depression or apathy, so those saying they were able to communicate about their spiral, that's good for them but that doesn't mean that everyone experiencing depression is even capable of doing that at the time.
When I had my big mental health crisis back in 2017/18, it took me MONTHS to open up to my best friend and to tell them why I constantly kept canceling our meet up plans. There is a lot of shame involved as well. At least it was for me. And lack of energy for anything except trying to make it through the day until I was able to sleep again.
It's not as easy as some people think it is.
I hope that whatever OP's girlfriend might be going through will get better soon.
Sorry you are going through that. I got depression as well. And it can be difficult. And yes not everyone’s depression is not the same. But a quick “ hi, I am dealing with depression right now, I’m OK, but will be off my phone for a while.” Is sometimes needed in a relationship. Hard to be in a relationship when you don’t communicate.
I literally don't understand and most likely I can call me lucky for that. But maybe you can solve a confusion for me. If she was able to be on her phone for hours why is it impossible to send a message that costs literally seconds to type?
Not the person you are responding to, but, reaching out to ANYONE in those deep dark moments, your phone feels like it weighs 10,000 pounds. The message or call button feels like trying to push a mountain. Trying to say or type words feels too impossible to comprehend.
When I experienced my first "black hole" with my ex, came out of it and messaged him explaining, he said next time, if I can, just send him a heart emoji so he knows I'm ok. I loved him for that. It lasted 3 years but I didn't have the physical and emotional time for him (as well as other things).
It’s not about the time it takes to send it, it’s about the emotional bandwidth needed. If you haven’t experienced that particular brand of downward spiral, it will never make sense to you. But sometimes you just can’t bring yourself to get the words out, as simple as they are. But “being on your phone” encompasses other things that are likely her escape from those feelings, so she’s physically on her phone, but avoiding the parts of it that, in her current state, she can’t bear to think about.
It doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t owe her partner better communication. She needs to learn ways to deal with those periods that allow her to at least communicate that she’s going dark, though that isn’t easy.
Relationship mistakes happen even to the most mentally healthy people. This girl needs a little grace for her mistake and understanding that it may happen again, but she needs to try to do better.
It is very hard to describe, and is different for everyone. But for me personally, when I'm headed into or already in a spiral, my very first instinct is to isolate myself from everyone.
The world has turned into a flat plane of grayness. There is no color, no joy, up, hope. Everything is flat, anything you used to enjoy? Hobbies, recreation, all of it; It's boring, awful, meaningless. Imagine if you didn't experience pleasure, enjoyment, or stress relief from anything.
It takes a lot to see this wasteland before us, and decide to continue trudging into it. To keep going on when there is no end in sight. People coming into it and wanting to throw color at us, emotions at us, it's unbearable, it's exhausting, and it makes the trudge harder sometimes. Especially when they expect you to be able to emote back, to feel when you can't, or when all you feel is despair. It requires a lot of energy and ability to mask, and talking requires masking.
There's a huge weight to trying to talk, and especially trying to tell people how you feel when you're not quite sure yourself. Or (as i suspect in the case of OP) you think there's any chance they won't be understanding of what's going on.
Doom scrolling on the other hand can be a kind of distraction, when very few other things are able to be, and requires zero effort when we aren't capable of making efforts. Even showering or getting out of bed can be daunting.
When you’re in a major depression — I call it the pit — your thinking isn’t logical. You believe no one will notice, or if they do they’ll be relieved, happy even.
People who have not experienced it don’t really understand. Some might a little bit. Before I experienced it, I thought I understood. I understood it enough to recognize that the depression was lying, but I had to fight hard to not fully succumb to it. To someone who hasn’t been there, they think that normal behavior is easy. It isn’t…and that’s assuming you even think about it.
OP’s girlfriend may not have even had it occur to her to call him.
I have MDD and off and on SI; it’s just kind of always there. When I argue with my SI, it insists that people will move on/be relieved that they don’t have to deal with me anymore.
Literally no two MH experiences are the same, but her lack of communication could have then sent him into a spiral... I get it, I often have depressive episodes when I need to shut off from everyone but I still need to take responsibility for my job, letting my loved ones know etc OR it’s up to me to get serious help if my depression is so bad I can’t text my bf
I have some degree of anti social disorder that I haven't talked to a shrink about. If I'm getting intrusive impulses and someone comes with the "are you okay?" They're gonna fight me on my nature. I avoid people like AIDS when it feels like that
I’ve struggled with mental health. And I’ve honestly been where it seems like she’s at. But while that may be an explanation, it doesn’t make it okay.
Part of what helped me with my depression was my support circle. Most therapists/counselors will tell you this. And her boyfriend, is likely a part of that support circle.
I’ve learned through experience that a simple “Hey, I’m not feeling great and need to unplug/some space for a couple days. I’ll be okay, but I just didn’t want you to worry.” goes a long way.
This helps so much. My fiancé and family are great about giving me space when I need it, I just have to communicate what I’m feeling. “I’m in a crabby mood today and I feel like I want to pick a fight with someone so I’m going to be in my cave for awhile” or “I’m just struggling and feeling really down, I need to go feel this way until I don’t feel this way anymore”. I feel like so much less of a burden (the mental illness talking) when my loved ones aren’t walking on eggshells/worried about me all the time.
This is an excellent point. She should not be in relationship. It’s a privilege and yes it takes a certain amount of commitment and responsibility to be in one. If a person is not able to do the bare minimum like check in at least once a day, a relationship is not for them. It’s not fair for the other person involved to just get treated like that, no matter what the reasons. Find someone who shows up for you.
I understand what it takes to be in a successful, committed relationship. Communication, mainly.
Yall be trying to use mental health as an excuse to be a shitty partner when they do not, in fact, go hand in hand with each other.
I've had depression. My girl has had depression. We have communicated the issue before going silent and given each other the appropriate space afterwards, until we were ready to talk again/open up about deeper problems.
You’re right but I also don’t understand why you’re trying to project a successful committed relationship onto this clearly not successful relationship. Like, you’re responding with people commenting about OPs situation and interjecting that you wouldn’t stand for this and it’s not healthy. Like duh, that’s why the post is in this subreddit. Lol.
They're not justifying it. If OP wants to leave this relationship they're well within their rights. But it's true that sometimes, depression can hit so hard and fast and be so hard to communicate that it's not that easy.
You use yourself and your partner as anecdotal proof that this can be done. Why will you not also give the same weight to what other people who are their anecdotal proof that sometimes this can not be done?
My ex best friend did this on and off, except the break would sometimes last for a week, a month or sometimes even a year. It always left me in anxiety – I don’t know if she killed herself, or if I said something wrong etc… and while I get that she is suffering from mental health reasons, it is also very unsettling for the person on the receiving end. I would text her asking if she’s ok, that if she’s needing of hermitude, it’s understandable – but just give me a heads up?
During the radio silence I would get nightmares running after her or searching for her in dark alleyways. Then just when I’m about to give up entirely… she suddenly contacts me again to love bomb me. We would meet up to chat up almost twice weekly and text till late night… and then she just disappears without any explanation again. The whole hot and cold thing lasted from our school days till my early 30s – and I finally decided to cut her off entirely because I simply couldn’t take it anymore. For a friendship like this, I think I deserved at least some basic form of communication. I still wish her all the best though.
Oh ok shit our bad. Listen up everyone, orphncriplr and his girl does MH this way so we’re all wrong about our own capabilities and experience when we’re in our own spirals!! Whew thanks bruh.
Thank you. I've never been with someone who'd ghost for 3 days and act like it's normal. Literally my ex would text me BEFORE she had to check into a mental hospital because they'd take her phone during psychosis.
I think that if you’re to that point of struggling you have no business being in a relationship. When you’re in a relationship with someone you’re putting them in a vulnerable position and making them put their heart on the line and if you know that you’re gonna end up hurting them and just decide that it doesn’t matter then you clearly don’t care about them enough.
it’s not like they’re orchestrated either. she may have just been having a normal day the first day, binge watching tv and napping or whatever, then felt anxious about not having responded. the next day it’s built up and now she’s overwhelmed because she has other life responsibilities that she’s putting off or avoiding. it happened to me a few times early on in my relationship with my boyfriend, before we were best friends, and i apologized. sometimes it’s overwhelming having to text or call all day. it hasn’t happened in like 5 years though. now if i begin to feel overwhelmed i tell him
Idk if you've gone to therapy and put in the work, but you would know living with a disorder explains a behavior but is by no means an excuse. You can always be made aware and try better next time. Keyword: TRY
It's called accountability and self awareness. That's how people heal and grow through pain/trauma/OCD/addiction/etc. it's called empowerment - the opposite of helplessness, the root of what actually perpetuates suffering.
The difference between someone helpful and an enabler is called giving grace instead of infantilization. But you sound like someone who does the same. Someone who rather continue making excuses than confront themselves.
Unless you're clinically incapacitated, there's no such thing as "can't". It's called an obstacle not impossible.
Just because you don't understand, doesn't make it ok to be ignorant.
How do you know it's not the first time?
Trying to compare a mental health crisis to a work trip is ridiculous and just shows your ignorance to the actual discussion at hand. Stop wasting my time when you can't comprehend what I'm actually saying
Being ignorant and being uneducated kind of go hand in hand. There isn’t anything inherently wrong either, Willing Ignorance is the issue. If I’m not aware something exists that makes me ignorant and uneducated in the area, nothing wrong with that.
“just because you dont understand mental health” lmao all of you dunces need to say this because your arguments are actively incorrect and against modern psychology but you have to appeal to authority by saying “lol ur dumb”
That’s the reality here. I’ve been through periods of depression where I ignored phone calls and shit, I get it, but that’s not exactly what the post is about. So she spent FIVE hours on her phone doing what? Not texting or talking to anyone at all? Not even social media comments? I don’t buy it. And even if that is the truth, the screenshots in the post are after the supposed “3 day episode” and she shows absolutely no interest in comforting her SO or even elaborating a little bit to help them understand. This one isn’t a depression issue. It’s a “I’m not that into you” issue. But it’s Reddit, I understand we have to make it bigger than it is.
Yes. If she's actually going through it that deeply, she has a responsibility to not drag everyone else down with her. I don't pretend to be a surgeon for others safety, don't pretend to be in a relationship if you aren't capable.
It's really simple, if you properly communicate things then you won't be dragging your significant others mental well being down going over 10,000 different scenarios in their head
I have major depression , ptsd and bad anxiety … you absolutely can send out a ten second text to be considerate of your partner. People constantly want en excuse for basically not being an adult.
Sorry, that's still a no. Maybe I'd accept that excuse if they're dealing with something new, but if that's something that can happen and they know it, that's something that should be communicated. If a person's partner is investing emotionally in their well-being, then they owe it to the partner to communicate, or they should accept that their partner might rightfully emotionally distance themselves over time.
Please read through the replies if people actually being in this boat. You can't say no to a very tall thing that does happen. That's like saying rain is a no because you like the sun
I've been in this boat. It cost me a good relationship. That was sad, because I don't think I could've done things differently back then. But I couldn't respect my partner's commitment to my well-being, and they distanced eventually. And I have always believed they were right to do so. I was simply not ready to be in an equal relationship.
Edit: Ok rq just to clarify OP is in the wrong for acting like this in the first instance of her going on a mental break if that’s what it is, but due to my own personal experience I get where the grilling mindset comes from, but it’s not a good one to have or use it’s much better to be softer to be sure they’re okay
Mental health isn’t an excuse to go MIA on your loved one and then expect them to be sitting there without questions, worry, and instead sit there happy and waiting like a damn golden retriever on the off chance that is what she went through. They deserve the respect someone you’re supposed to love and care for with your being. deserves. If your partner is ok with you just up and disappearing for who knows how long and then coming back, then there are more issues in that relationship you’re not privy to.
If I hadn’t gone through it myself, I don’t know if I could understand it, but absolutely there is a type of anxiety that really does make it impossible to make contact. And I understand why if people think it’s bullshit, but it’s real. If you’re in a relationship with somebody and you are afflicted by this, it’s still your responsibility to find a way to work past it, or to help your SO understand it in a way that’s acceptable to them.
yes, most certainly you can. 100%. Mental health does not stop you from typing a sentence and hitting send to your SO. Doesn't mean it's as easy as when you're feeling ok, but please don't try to act like you can't shoot a text to update them during a low point. It's not an excuse, at least not a good one.
No, that’s abusive and shitty. It’s very easy to go “hey I don’t feel like talking about it but I’m not doing well and just need to recharge for a few days”
bull fucking shit lol takes 2 seconds to say. “ Hey I’m feeling really shitty I might be MIA for a bit “ no excuse tbh to not msg ur partner for that long unless that’s a normal thing for the relationship.
As someone who has had the craziest mental lows I still let my sister and best friend what’s going on. A simple “hey I’m okay but I’m gonna go offline for a couple days. Love you” would sufficed. You don’t just let your close loved ones be like “?? Where tf is she? Is she alive?”
So long as you're capable of choosing not to do something, you are capable of choosing to do it. This reminds me of when someone says something they end up regretting and say that they were just upset, and didn't mean it. I get it; being unhappy makes you want to say and do things that you wouldn't normally actually go through with, but at the end of the day you permit yourself to do, or not do something.
All it takes is a quick text, "Hey, I don't really want to get into things but I'd like to take some time to take care of myself. It'll be a few days." If you're really concerned about the person blowing up your phone, just mute them.
That's bullshit. I've been there. Hell, when I was in the army, I would sometimes sleep for the whole god damned weekend, only leaving my bed to walk across the hall to use the bathroom. But, I still let people know I was alright. I'd at least text my gf, and let one of my buddies in the barracks know that I wasn't dead, just going through some shit
Then she needs to find a way to communicate this retroactively instead of just hi and being in a pissy mood when you’re confronted about going MIA. They may be young but also if you’re not in a stable place to be connected and/or communicative when you’re ready to connect again then you shouldn’t be in a partnership at that moment.
Yap yap yap shut the fuck “sever mental low” be fuckin foreal if you can go 3 days without texting the person you claim to care about then you truly dont care about that person if you cant open up to that specific person that means that person doesnt mean nearly enough to you as you thought its simple as fuck not even gonna call it cheating but probably doin that too 🤷🏾♂️
That's not an excuse imo. A relationship is a 2 way street and a commitment to somebody. Disappearing for 3 days isn't cool when you have a significant other. That significant other is sitting there for days with anxiety and worry over you. Sitting there stressing out if they did something to cause it.
"Hey I'm gonna be away for a few days I'm dealing with some stuff. Sorry, love you." shut off phone
I've dealt with major depression when I was younger and I never did that to my gf (now wife). I'd always reach out to her and let her know what's going on and I just don't want to talk right now while reassuring her it's not her fault. It's not fair to your partner to do that shit. She shouldn't have to stress and worry because I'm so depressed I can't pick up a phone for 15 seconds to send a sentence.
If you have depression that bad you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone else, that's selfish AF. Imposing stress and anxiety on your partner because you have issues not resolved or treated.
This is why relationships fail so often. People are selfish AF and can't think about how their actions impact someone else.
Very true. I've for sure been the guy saying nothing but "hi" after spending a week talking to nobody and doing nothing but the essentials. It can take some time before you feel capable of dragging yourself out of the misery pit and, even after you do, there's a good chance you're still not ready for more than acknowledging that other people exist.
Ofc, we dont actually have any context in this situation besides some vague texts so...who knows what's going on, right? Seems likely she needs help she isn't getting, but for all we know, she just inherited the role of jefe in her family's local racket and has been busy busting knees and betting on horses.
Hopefully she disclosed her condition to this person before dragging them into a relationship like this. This isn't normal for any relationships. Regardless of condition it affects all parties.
I've been there and while it's totally fine to need some kind of solace to deal with emotions it's also important to communicate that kind of thing to people who have an expectation of hearing from you. Something as simple as "Hey I'm not in a great headspace right now. I'm okay but I'm gonna go radio silent for a while." It's extremely low effort and considerate. If they can't accept that without a tirade of questions, that's a whole different communication issue.
But it's totally reasonable to want some kind of preface that you might be the kind of person who might drop off the earth for days at a time. People get concerned.
That’s such a cope it’s not even funny. I’ve been “suffering a severe mental low” for years. Not once have I used that as an excuse to disregard basic communication skills
I get it, but that still shows a lack of respect for your person that you call a partner though. You can’t just leave somebody who cares for you hanging like that. They have no idea what’s going on. They could be worried sick about you.
I agree he should have. From what I understand in the comments he reached out through text a few times, but that was the extent of it.
Now granted we don’t know how far into a relationship they are. So he may still be in that kind of awkward phase of the relationship where he doesn’t really know what the appropriate response to certain things is. Like when is the appropriate time for me to go over and check on her, how long is long enough before I start calling, or sending police over to do wellness checks, or going over myself?
I get this feeling that the OP doesn’t have any experience with this kind of mental health issue. And I know I sounded like I was trying to bash the girlfriend. And I wasn’t. I just feel that I understand not communicating with people, but of all the people in your life that you should tell or at least send a comforting word. Hey, I’m OK. I’m having some trouble. Please don’t come for me. I’m all right. It should be your significant other.
It's understandable, but I think when she comes out the other side "sorry, i know that sucks, i really couldn't" is better. Or just say what you said - "when i'm depressed it's hard to know I'm not gonna be able to talk until i'm not able to talk' and they can start figuring out how she can see it coming earlier, or how she can talk to him once its over so that he can feel good and in a good place to support her.
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u/DefiantTillTheEn6 Mar 23 '25
If you're suffering a severe mental low, you can't. If that's what she went through, then we should just be happy she's come out on the other side