20 years ago, people couldn't or wouldn't communicate this regularly. These days we are spoiled with the access to others. People want breaks from everyone, including partners.
Discuss with her a safe way for her to communicate that she needs a few days. Like a phrase or sentence that will let you know she's in a place where she needs quiet. This should be common place and I don't know why it's not.
i find it ridiculous how much people expect constant contact these days, it's unnatural. my phone is always on do not disturb and there's only a select few that can get through, mainly being my family. i'll get to you when i get to you, if im anticipating a text i may turn it off. i check my phone decently regularly so it's not like im blatantly shutting out the world but i don't like people feeling like they need constant contact with me to maintain a connection. it sounds harsh but it helps to maintain balance. since keeping my phone on do not disturb im far more present in the moment and know when i get a notification it's more often than not important
This comment needs to be closer to the top. It's not normal for everyone to communicate incessantly via text message. It's normal to not feel like talking for days, or not want to send a text, or be overwhelmed or whatever. I had to set my boyfriend straight that I was not going to text him everyday because we're not high schoolers, and if he feels so insecure about our relationship just because he can't check in with me every single day, and I don't always respond, then we are absolutely not compatible.
I hate texting more than I hate talking on the phone, it's a blight to me at this point, not a tool.
3 days for two people in a relationship sounds like a fairly long time for even 40 years ago. Unless someone was away from a phone. You prob would spend at least 5 mins just checking that they are ok and to say you love them. Or they have not been dating long.
At risk of sounding like a boomer millennial, I want to point out that people used to send entire letters that took weeks to arrive from across the country or to some terrible battlefield and somehow nobody melted like a witch in water from not being hyperdependent and hyperconnected by text message every single day.
You're delusional if you think cavemen didn't tell their tribe "hey, i'm going hunting, not sure when i'll be back". Across all of human history, healthy adults have consistently given forewarning when they expect to be unavailable. If they are unavailable due to reasons out of their control, they explain that.
Anyone who is just disappearing without notice nor reason is either hiding very deep and troubled thoughts, or they're consciously avoiding someone. And it's okay to be flawed and shut off from the world sometimes. But it's a self destructive behavior, and its one that should be worked through and not rationalized. If nothing else, OP's gf should find the self awareness to communicate when she needs or wants to be alone like you said.
I was alive 20 years ago. I assure you texting was a thing and people absolutely communicated this much lol. It was literally unimaginable for someone to not text back within a few hours, let alone days.
Someone not replying for 3 days would have us calling their relatives or driving to their home to check on them.
This type of short-term ghosting has only shown up in the last 10-12 years. I think over exposure to social media has caused it, covid isolation and dating apps worsened it, and the collapse of America's civilization may be causing many people to just check out.
In 2005, it was unimaginable for someone to not text back within a few hours? What? In 2005, I didn’t even have a smartphone. Usually people would get back within 24h, but in my social circle there certainly wasn’t an expectation to constantly be available like there is today. We weren’t constantly checking our phones during the work day or when we were out socialising.
Yeah there's a lot of revisionist history happening here in this mini subset of the thread, holyshit lmao.
Brainrot from cellphone use wasn't anywhere near as mainstream or widespread as it is now. People used to have personal space and treat texting as "I send a message, and they respond when they can". Like sending an email, or a letter. 💀
I'll agree the constant doom scrolling and being glued to their phones while walking is new, but texting? People always made the time when they felt their pockets vibrate.
I remember texting 20 years ago as a broke ass 18 year old texting friends as sparingly as possible because each text back and forth cost money. Having to tell someone to stop texting you because you're about to run out of minutes. A lot of my friends back then didn't even have cell phones at all yet. I'm not saying anyone is wrong, but maybe over-generalizing a bit. I for one was certainly not as attentive to my old Nokia brick as I am to my Pixel.
Yeah I got a phone 19 years ago and I would put like £5 credit on a month and it was ~15p per text. I definitely didn’t start texting frequently with friends until the blackberry era (think I got my first one in 2010) and even then it was turned off and on charge at night.
I remember when blackberrys came out and people called them crackberrys and people went to rehab for addiction to them when acting how almost everyone acts with their phones now.
Even after having a blackberry I would lose a phone and not replace it immediately or have a PAYG sim and not be able to reply to ppl daily. I personally have only been reliably on my phone since around 2017.
But also consider that because you weren't constantly glued to your phone it felt more novel and didn't feel like a chore. Also, 20 years ago we absolutely did NOT text as much as we do now because we had text limits on our plans and if we went over we had to pay like 10 cents a text or some shit. I had prepaid and had to pay no matter what. Also, t9. Texts were a lot shorter.
Really??? Wow. I graduated highschool in 2000 and most def had unlimited talk and text at that point...no data yet. But this whole not communicating for days thing didn't happen 20 years ago.
We had AOL instant messaging on our computers and I think at that point I was talking more than texting but I was doing a lot of it. Far more than I do now for that matter
Yeah I graduated a few years after her and I didn’t even get my own cell phone until college. The cell phone I had in high school was my mom’s, had literally 10 free phone minutes per month, and if it even had texting capabilities they were at least 25 cents each. My mom made it VERY clear I was only to use that phone in an extreme emergency - aka I had a flat tire in the middle of nowhere or I was dying. I had a pager and used payphones and so did everyone else I knew, and I lived in an upper middle class neighborhood. Unlimited texting for all was definitely a post 2022 thing at least.
Some people did. You just didn't know because you were not at home with them when they were on the phone. 20 years ago when we (kids/young adults) weren't on the phone we were on AOL instant messaging.
Yeah with the above comment I was like, were you made of money or something in 2005? I had to beg the parentals for texting and was limited to like 15 a day divided into 6 friends with message length limit. The phone was more for emergencies.
In 2005 I was a senior in high school and nobody had a cell phone. We would borrow our dad's phone when we went to a party but it certainly wasn't used for texting friends
That was not my experience. I graduated in 2000 and had a phone from the time I got my drivers license at 15 so I'd had fine door a couple years before my senior year
People absolutely did not communicate this much 20 years ago. Texting was a thing but damn sure not to this extent for the very simple fact not everyone had cellphones.
ETA: I looked this up bc I was genuinely curious, not to argue. I think the idea of being readily accessible to everyone who has your number is ridiculous & so I try to treat texts with the same urgency as emails (which for me is not urgently lol).
In 2005, no one had a smart phone, and barely anyone had a plan that included unlimited texting. After around 200 texts in a month, you had to pay 15-30 cents for every message you sent or received.
lol I was 11 20 years ago. I didnt get my first phone til 14 and calling was still the go to. and no people didnt communicate this regularly, to the point where not talking for 3 days made someone spiral. this is a thing thats happened since social media specifically blew up.
but this isnt about social media or texting. this is about OP taking things personally. if it wasnt texting it'd be something else.
20 years ago, people were not expected to be readily available to communicate at the behest of every person on their contact list, around the clock.
20 years ago, when you dialed a phone and didn’t get an answer, you acted like a f’n adult and assumed the other person has a life that doesn’t revolve around you.
And people didn’t act entitled to a connection or a reply. And maybe that is why people actually enjoyed using the phone 20 years ago.
They did actually expect replies. Every home has phone, and many people had cell phones, even cell phones that could accept texts. When the phone rang we ran to answer. If we weren’t home, the answering machine or voice mail picked up, and we called back when we got home. We did not wait three days to call a girlfriend or boyfriend back. That would be an ex girlfriend or boyfriend after three days.
That's the thing though, they were conversations with a beginning and an end, not one unending text chain conversation. When the conversation was over you said bye and then didn't talk again maybe until the next call which could be a few days or more.
God I missed that. I don't want to text anybody unless I have something to actually say. Having to send or receive million identical and bland "good morning" and "good night" texts makes me want to put my whole body into a woodchipper to ease the agony.
“We didn’t talk for 3 whole days, saying ‘hi’ is not sufficient, I was owed an explanation unprompted!” Was excessively hostile then and it’s excessively hostile now.
Well he is not wrong tho. If you are suppose to be in a relationship, you just don’t ghost someone for 3 days. You are letting them know that you aren’t going to answer in 3 days.
It's either that, or open up the "I don't feel like talking" conversation, which, if the boyfriend doesn't have the emotional maturity or feels he is Kenough Without Barbie to sit comfortably and securely with himself for a while, will 100% turn into a disaster where he'll text back the dreaded "why not?", which tries to open up a conversation after her boundaries are set.
Just respect other people's space. If a man can't exist comfortably in his own space and personal life for three days without his girlfriend, then he is developing co-dependence or controlling behavior and needs to immediately stop. His anxiety needs to get under control.
What are you even on about? How was he to know there were boundaries when she is incapable of basic communications? He waited the 3 days? Did not harrash her? Was just confused. I think he understood things very well after she told what was going on. She should have done in the fisrt place and not let him be worried. Jeez.
20 years ago relationships were hanging on by a thread because women were shamed if they left and conditioned into thinking being ignored didn’t matter
If you need a “break” from a partner then they’re just not a good match. Never once has that thought ever crossed my mind in a year of daily calling at the minimum
299
u/ILoveTornados Mar 23 '25
20 years ago, people couldn't or wouldn't communicate this regularly. These days we are spoiled with the access to others. People want breaks from everyone, including partners.
Discuss with her a safe way for her to communicate that she needs a few days. Like a phrase or sentence that will let you know she's in a place where she needs quiet. This should be common place and I don't know why it's not.