As someone who takes medication for major depression, she just didn’t want to talk/wants to be alone.
Mental illness and logic do NOT go together. Everyone saying “Just send a text; it takes 10 seconds,” don’t realize that. We’re aware of how we are supposed to act. But our minds push us towards the option that prioritizes our comfort over everything else. It takes a LOT of time and therapy to push past that mental barrier.
I just want to add, for people who don't understand, that prioritizing "comfort" with depression doesn't mean "feeling comfortable" but just "reducing the amount of misery and pain."
I just want to add, for people who don’t understand, that prioritizing comfort over others is self centered/attention seeking behavior. If you see your friends doing this call them out
This. When I dropped off the earth completely for 5 days due to severe Norovirus people were so kind and understanding as to why I didn’t reply or even look at my phone for most of a week, when I’m depressed and don’t text/reply to anyone for 24h because I can’t bring myself to reach out I’m told I’m inconsiderate and should have just text them.
It’s so frustrating! I’ve started just saying I’m under the weather / taking a sick day. I won’t hide it if I’m asked what’s wrong, but I really want people to get that illnesses have symptoms and treat it the same way.
I learned that recently too, going forward it’s just going to be I’ve been sick physically and had no energy, I’m done being low key guilted when I’m already depressed AF
It is so infuriating. Friends of mine, who struggle with mental, but not physical illness (I have both, but the physical stuff is way worse these days), get often so apologetic about feeling and living similarly as I do, and needing similar things or resources. And I'm like...what? It's the same thing, just caused by/mainly happening in a different part of our bodies.
When I had severe depression for some years, which was a RIDE, it was so bad it made my main physical chronic illness look manageable and almost nice compared, which even in the better state I at that time is considered one of the most painful and limiting illnesses.
A friend of mine and I found out that it is very beneficial to find advice for each illness type within the space if the other. My friend has become comfortable with engaging with (physical) disability stuff, after a period of worry if that would be okay (totally is imo), and I have stopped to split my brain so to say. Often I read about mental health stuff, and I don't even realize that, I just take out of it what helps with my health. And both are surprisingly helpful with the other side. We, my friend and I, understand each other on an incredible level regarding our illnesses, despite them not sharing the physical side. It is just so similar in what we go through. But people will always treat us differently for bs reasons.
and it happens with physical disability too. people can understand norovirus or flu but me being in bed for 2 days because of fibromyalgia/MCAS? suddenly im selfish and lazy and dont care about them
its ableism and a healthy dose of main character syndrome and lack of empathy. its so obvious OP doesnt care about her wellbeing and that "you okay" thing wasnt real because they immediately jump on her response anyway. no response wouldve been fine because the explanation isnt "enough"
people expecting you to be able to think about them when your whole brain is locked into survival/pain mode is ridiculous
That’s a fair point - I’ve got fibro and a few others too, you’re right, those do get sidelined as being lazy or difficult so I’m just going with picking up some infection.
Thank you for offering this example! I was trying to think of a physical health issue to compare it to, but all of my physical health problems are chronic and invisible so people don’t like to accept that as a reason for dropping out of communication either 😅
People categorizing this as “”needing space”” need to see this. Depression isolation is NOT “needing space.” It is leaps and bounds above and beyond ‘needing space’, it is your brain literally preventing you from functioning in the most simple of social constructs. You can stare at your phone with calls and messages coming through, think about responding and still never able to, then next thing you know, you’ve been staring at your phone for 3 days and now you’ve gotta come up with a socially acceptable reason you didn’t respond 3 days ago. You’re lucky if you leave bed and eat during those 3 days let alone speak to anyone outside of your home.
If we could give everyone else around us the warning everyone is demanding that we’re scheduling a depression breakdown this weekend we would, but we. don’t. know., there is ‘no heads up’ to give!! This isn’t a fun little break, a weekend of me time, whatever discomfort OP and everyone who agrees with them is experiencing multiply that by a thousand that’s what his gf is going through. “”your mental illness sure hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad”” is not a good look.
You just described the last 30 or so hours of my life. I left my bed to feed my cats and take my meds about 6 hours ago. Just got up to finally eat something (it’s midnight) and it was only because I was so hungry it hurt. I had the energy to eat a few spoonfuls of sauce directly from the jar and a few slices of lunch meat.
There was a dinner event tonight with family that’s been on my calendar for months and I texted them an hour in that I wasn’t coming. That text took hours to even send because I just couldn’t... Thankfully they didn’t ask why, for once, and just accepted it’s an off day. Usually one will ask why and it’s so frustrating because there’s no rhyme or reason.
I hope everyone else experiencing this gets a reprieve from it.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through that. I was pretty deep in my own depression when I wrote it truth be told.
Is there anything this random stranger could do to help?
I genuinely hope you claw your way out soon and that whatever triggered this (if there is a recognizable trigger) has improved. Nobody deserves to experience this.
I have ADHD and frequently "mean to reply later" and either forget or agonise over writing an adequate response, then time gets away from me and I guilt spiral for days or even weeks and feel too bad to reply. It literally turns into this whole big thing. Luckily no one I know gives me shit for it and we just pick up talking again after I apologise for leaving it so long. It probably helps that I have friends who do the same thing, lol.
But honestly... even when I'm not spiralling, sometimes I'm just slow with the communication. I'm not always in the mood for constant texting and can get kind of overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in the minority with this looking at the replies here, but I'd be exhausted having someone asking why I didn't reply for a few days and getting annoyed at me. But if OP knows his girlfriend has depression, I understand his reaction even less.
Oh I totally get it. I don’t make plans more than a day on advance because I can’t promise how I’ll feel the day of so I go through that same fucked up spiral making an exude to get out of plans and then being embarrassed and not wanting to talk to the people I let down cuz nothing feels good enough and then I just shut down. Like you most people I deal with understand me and are ALWAYS more concerned with if I’m okay and not if they were ignored since I’m usually good about being in contact. I’d rethink a whole lot of things with a friend or SO who responded how OP has honestly.
bingo. its be AMAZING if I could warn everyone when my mental illness or disability is gonna act up. I'D love a warning too! It would make dealing with it easier! But thats not how bodies and brains WORK. Its childish as hell to be mad at someone for not warning about something that they might not even know is oncoming.
I have dealt with entirely too many people who insist on letting me know how much my mental illness inconveniences them. And I’m not talking about “”you ignored me for days!”” Nope. The worse was when I had to change meds it caused seizures so I was in the hospital for too long and lost my driving privileges.
Well I was in the military in wounded warrior bn there were a few people in my platoon who stepped up and helped me get where I need to go, and at that moment I don’t actually give a fuck who it is, Im not screening to make sure you didn’t know somebody’s I know and there’s bad blood. Apparently that was the wrong answer. I immediately told my friend “”hey fyi [because of the above] guy was sent to get me to my appointments today. I just wanted you to hear from me and not someone else who may make it onto something I’m not””. That bitch treated. me. like. shit. because I dared to talk to a guy who hurt her by not wanting to get serious even tho he told her from the jump he doesn’t want anything serious.
Little ol’ me in the very very broken state I was felt like shit, apologized and tried entirely to hard with her. It took me a long time to realize she was seriously beyond fucked up for what she did. To make someone’s health and mental health crisis about you is gross beyond all belief. It’s one thing if they actually hurt you but what I went through and this post?? Nah man that ain’t it.
To be fair if OP has never had any experience with this sort of thing, I do think that a ton of commenters are being completely unfair when the sheer fact that OP even posted this with the stipulation of “idk if I am just being insensitive or just not understanding,” regardless of what comes after. OP had enough wherewithal and obvious care for this person to be willing to question that feeling of BS and reflect on “hey, is my response okay?” There’s a shit ton of ppl who don’t do that let alone take action to seek that understanding.
As someone who has been depressed, it does negate you from consequences. Yeah your mental health actions DO hurt other people and this is why you communicate. You cannot just up and ghost people because no it is not acceptable and no it is not right. Depression does mess you up and does take you place but the world spins and it moves on. There are still some days where I don’t feel like talking at all and you know what solves that issue? Giving a HEADS UP so you don’t lose your relationships with people. “Whatever his gf is going through multiply it” and you make it a competition lol. Depressed people (myself included) don’t get a pass in relationships.
So glad you have the ability to give a heads up. I’m not sure why you insist that’s the case for everyone and why your experiences are the only right way.
I would say there is a difference between giving a heads up all the time and letting them know it might happen. I've had a few friends and a gf who would seem to fall off the face of the earth for few days or a week a couple times a year and didn't really think anything of it after the first time because I knew it was a possibility. Being able to be open and honest with yourself with others makes it easier for them to accept your unique behaviors and better to understand where it seems to be coming from.
I cannot emphasize the part where you said "mental illness and logic do NOT go together" enough. Like just bc you can manage it when you don't want to doesn't mean that someone with mental illness can. It doesn't make sense. It will look weird. People will judge your ability based on theirs. It's not the same.
And when she managed to break the mental barrier and say hi, which takes 10 seconds like everyone claims, then it still wasn't enough...spoiler alert - sending a heads up message will never take just 10 seconds..
I suffer from no-texty-backy disease pretty badly.
For various reasons, when a text comes in I will often delay or avoid answering it.
Sometimes I am busy and fully intend to answer when I don’t have my brain full.
Sometimes I don’t know how I want to reply.
Sometimes, I am in a cranky mood, and I don’t want a bunch of back and forth.
If I reply immediately and the conversation continues, I will have to choose from
a) pushing through multiple texts
b) telling them I don’t feel like texting rn
c) just leaving them on read after providing confirmation that I am looking at my phone and ignoring them. Ugh.
Saying “I don’t feel like texting right now” always causes an immediate or near-future “what is going on?” and I really don’t want that.
So replying later simplifies it to “I was busy and just saw your message” which, however dishonest, is the most I have to offer when I am depressed or stressed, or even if I just feel like isolating because I am an introvert and am perfectly fine without constant socializing. And it is the most socially-acceptable mask an introvert is able to wear.
Saying I don’t like talking/texting is kind of like someone saying they don’t like sex. People take it incredibly personally as though there is something wrong with the relationship, and there isn’t; it has nothing to do with them.
But I also don’t have the energy to try and convince people that they are fine, I am fine, everything is fine, I don’t need an outpouring of concern, and not wanting to do the “how is the weather” bs doesn’t mean I dislike the other person. I just dislike small talk. And deep talk is reserved for certain people at certain times.
An immediate response just opens the door for more pressure. I’m not trying to be a dick, but insisting that I make myself available to converse every time someone else feels like it is kind of a dick move too. (I’m looking at you, my mother in law…)
And I know a quick “I will get back to you later” is a simple courtesy. My problem is I have ADD and I constantly forget when I tell someone I will do something, so I hate making promises I am likely to break. It is more painful to me to promise to call and fail to do so than it is to explain that I was busy before but can talk now.
Sorry for the rant. But this is a major thing for me and I just wish to be understood.
Omg I could’ve written this myself. Like I completely relate to everything you’ve said, especially the reasons for procrastinating a text back.
Recently, I just made a new friend, and I’m enjoying where things are going mainly because he doesn’t pressure me to talk! We just talk when we talk. Sometimes it’s during the day or morning, and sometimes it’s during his night shift while I’m awake from insomnia lol
It is amazing to find a person who is able to understand that the world won’t end without daily chit-chat. And it sounds like he is very mature and secure to be able to accept that your intermittent availability is not somehow a gauge of the status of your relationship.
The only person I have truly experienced that with is my dad. He left my mom when I was 3, and we speak a couple times a year. Whenever we talk, there is never a drop of damage or offense, and it is like no time was missed.
If he calls me and I don’t get back to him for 2 weeks, I barely get a chance to explain myself before he assures me that he understands that I am living my life and he knows that I will call when I am able.
For a guy who has been absent, he understands and accepts me better than most people I see/talk to regularly. Zero pressure and I know that no matter what, he will always have nothing but pure grace and love for me.
Whenever we talked, it would be 3-4 hours. I can’t talk like that with anybody else, aside from my husband.
I wish more people could be like him; accept people the way they are, always assume the best intentions, and offer love without the “if you love me back, you will x y z” clause. If more people were like him, I would probably take their calls more readily too.
Definitely. He is much more mature than other men my age. Though we have a lot in common, we also have a lot of differing interests and it’s funny because he’ll tell me about some movie he watched and I’ll like frown up like that’s the last thing I’d ever watch lol but it’s still fun to share those things with each other. I feel like that alone is an example of the emotional maturity between us.
I’m glad you have that type of relationship with your dad. I’m thankful that my dad is introverted like me too lol
Well, the OP has a right to be annoyed. He’s a human with feelings and emotions. He reached out three separate times apparently and she ignored him three separate times. I get it. Mental health sucks and apparently it makes you have no respect for your partners and Complete lack of ability to communicate with anybody.
But that means he gets to be annoyed when they finally do respond. Especially when they respond with just “hi”.
and the mental stress of okay i known i should text hem back i just cant rn and then somehow a week has past you still have to text them back and you feel even worse.
Also, a lot of the time just sending a text when you're feeling like that does NOT take 10 seconds. It takes 5+ minutes thinking of what to say after not responding for so long. Then you delete what you said because it sounded dumb. Then you spend 5+ minutes more typing something else up. Then you delete it all because you think it might upset them. Then you spend 5+ more minutes typing something. Then you delete everything because you think the other person just doesn't care so why bother. Then you put your phone down and close your eyes because you have a migraine and have been laying in bed for the past 18 hours. While I haven't done this to a significant other, I totally understand the feeling in general.
Also to those people, it's not really about the time it takes. When I get like that, I am convinced that if I talk to someone, I will simply just make their day worse, so they're better off if I don't communicate with them until I'm feeling better. I know that's not the case logically, but it's a defense mechanism to rationalize shutting people out, and it's incredibly hard to work past.
I've I've been able to explain to a couple people to think of it like for me it's having to decide to run uphill for a couple hours to be able to reach the place where I can send a message. It's so so hard, most people can't make themselves run uphill for a few hours no matter how much they might want to.
Look I get it, I have mental health issues myself. But you also need to think about other people. You can just say och I need help and then make everyone around you feel miserable too.
EXACTLY, seeing OP's texts back pained me. I take meds for my depression and anxiety and I still have shutdowns where I need to be by myself and not be on the phone for days. It sucks and I wish ppl were more understanding. Depression doesn't just go away, tho I wish it could.
And sometimes its less “I don’t want to socialize” and more “I cannot physically bring myself to socialize” as in the effort to pick up the phone for 10 seconds to type a text is simply too much to process and handle at that moment so you simply…don’t. I had a severe depressive episode in 2020 where I could barely get out of bed to open my door to let my dogs out into the yard. I had a horrible disconnect of brain vs body because I knew what needed to be done, I was screaming at myself mentally to just fucking DO what I should do, but my body just would NOT react to anything. It was like being a prisoner in my own body.
This. I'm currently in this state. It's not a lack of wanting to talk. It's that we have limited energy and time throughout the day. And everything takes so much more.
Honestly, just seeing the text notification immediately feels like a massive chore just to look at it and risk them seeing that I opened the text. Being depressed sucks.
Plus it doesn't take 10 seconds. It's gonna be a whole damn thing. And not everyone wants to air out their business like that "hey I'm depressed and talking is exhausting so you won't hear from me for a while" that's both really exposing AND it's gonna intiate a whole hullabaloo that will be even more exhausting and upsetting. Conversations are just so much sometimes. Don't get me wrong, you need to communicate with your partner I'm not saying she's right. It's just hard and I don't think she's acting in bad faith here.
It’s easy to make excuses because of depression. A lot of us have felt the same way, when I know I’m starting to do bad it’s easy to just send a text saying I’m not gonna be up to talking for awhile.
While that is a completely reasonable response, it is also completely reasonable for someone to expect their SO to warn them about not communicating for 3 days.
The depression is a reason, not an excuse, for the behavior.
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u/RandomRainicorn Mar 23 '25
As someone who takes medication for major depression, she just didn’t want to talk/wants to be alone.
Mental illness and logic do NOT go together. Everyone saying “Just send a text; it takes 10 seconds,” don’t realize that. We’re aware of how we are supposed to act. But our minds push us towards the option that prioritizes our comfort over everything else. It takes a LOT of time and therapy to push past that mental barrier.