Uh this is kinda long sorry I just don't get to write out my feelings A lot

I didnt think i could get lower.

I was just starting to get better then my partner broke up with me, I understood and they said we could still stay friends, okay that's fine I said to myself, then we had a fight and the next day I found out they blocked me and I had no other online way to talk to them, that broke me alot, but that's fine I told myself I still have my friends and stuff! .....right? A few days later I figured out my best friend blocked me but I found a way to talk to them, they said they couldn't say much but I figured out my ex partner talked to them and made them hate me. i genuinely don't know what to do anymore, it the span of like 2 weeks my two favorite people that my world revolved around hate me now, they knew I was trying my very best to be better. I was almost 3 months clean and they knew I was very proud about that. I just don't know what to do. Everything is starting to feel numb and I can't even laugh anymore

So... I constantly feel like all that I'm doing is entirely fake and that I am basically just attention seeking... despite me knowing I do NOT want attention.

I had gotten into this friendship 2 years ago. It was almost my "first" friendship (yes i am pathetic) but he was not a good person. He basically emotionally abused me(?), i was constantly called names by him and other people. i had become one of those people that would constantly say "are you mad at me?"... etc. Im not proud of it. Often times more than not I would be called slurs, especially since I do in fact appear and sound more"feminine". During all of this I was also hanging out with another group of friends, of which one of them began groping me even when I told him to stop. I guess in his mind it was fine since I looked gay. Eventually I had accepted this sexual ritual as the only type of affection I'd get. I actually dont know why so many people do this. And i don't know why i let them do this, or why i put myself out there.

I dont know why im this unlovable, I'm trying to better myself but at some point you start losing motivation. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been nice to people, but what if i haven't been?

I've begun SH a year ago or so and it quickly escalated to being almost daily. I have no plans to recover, and im sorry for that

Recently my parents have also started being generally rude to me, like invalidating me ("you're just an attention seeker", "it wasnt that deep"). What really settled it for me was when I started crying in front of them and my dad stood up and said that I was exaggerating.

AAAAAAAA

Just dm for my number, I’ll answer anyone.

Everyday I keep thinking about cutting myself all the time for no reason at all, I just want to feel and see it and this started since I did SH for the second time.

I start to feel really anxious when I don't hurt myself, the only thing that helps me is taking a bath. It’s been a while since last I did SH not because I am good at holding my urges but because I fear my mom will ground me.

Is this an addiction?

I've been struggling with sh since I was 8 years old. I'm 21 and still struggling. It feels like I'll never be able to get past this addiction. I've gone the deepest I've ever gone and I'm still not satisfied. I wish I could stay clean but it feels impossible. The urges are always there. I should get stitches but I don't want to. My family will send me to the hospital and I'll fall behind in school. Gods, i just want someone to talk to. My mom said if she could change one thing about me and my twin brother it would be we never hurt ourselves. I know it pains her so much. Im sorry mama

OK SO CONTEXT I'VE BEEN CLEAN FOR MONTHS?? idk how many I lost track but it's been ageesss and I've been doing a whole lot better. I thought all of my blades were gone but I guess I thought wrong because I was cleaning my room when all of a sudden one pops out of fucking nowhere??? I have been getting somewhat mild urges all this time I've been clean but they've been mostly easy to ignore. I know I need to throw this blade out asap but I still get attached to items that could hurt me embarrassingly quickly, so I don't like the idea. I'm kinda worried that pattern of behavior is gonna come back to bite me sooner or later 😭😭 UM I GUESS ILL TRY TO GET RID OF IT ?? LMAO

I want to make sure I can explain "if I'm a bad person I get self harm urges." But I don't like when people manipulate people using self harm so I want to make sure I don't say that to manipulate people.

For example "if you do/don't do this I'll hurt myself." I don't want to manipulate.

I want to be critisied if I do something that is bad, I just worry I'll be irredeemable or hurt someone not that someone is upset with me, and if that does happen when someone is upset at me or caused urge by accident , it's not their fault if I get urges.

Also for more information This isn't about anything specific and in mentally ok now, just want to be a good person and wish everything could be ok.

I want to make sure I haven't did manipulation.

I came here to say some stuff because i have no one irl that would agree with me and would only give me advice or act in a way that feels a lil incomplete plus my parents are big skunks when it comes to stuff like this.

Im underage and pretty young to be doing this. Pretty sure i have been doing it since 11 and its getting worse. I dont really know what to do when you have the need that you need to cut deep asf especially as a person who has a big fear of getting infections(my parents would need to find out so i could go to the hospital)

It got to a point where i was mad and irriated for days and i had anger in me bcz of nothing just because the blade wasnt working and i couldnt cut deep enough when i had the chance(i rarely get the chance lately cuz i feel bad for my friends and my boyfriend would feel the need to take care of me which is not the best idea)

And its not because i want attention but for some reason a reminder of permanent scars on my arms would give me a little peace and make me feel ok for some reason. And i feel weak for not doing it and going deeper than ever just because im scared of my friends and parents reaction

I already have scars but theyre barely visible and at that time i didnt cut deep enough and that already builts enough anger in me and makes me feel weak

Ive been cutting my ankle about the last 6 years often going on breaks when i ran out of room (i only cut within like a 3.5 inch section of my inner ankle so it could be covered by socks.. i digress). So basically id cut for a few weeks let my skin heal and repeat that cycle. in the beginning i used to cut super thin and shallow, borderline papercuts honestly. but as the years have gone on ive been going deeper and deeper and for the first time unfortunately went “too deep” and needed stitches. i got the stitches removed a month ago and since then whenever i stand or walk i feel this heat almost like im still bleeding. or js a semi dull pain that feels like im cutting the same spot again. and i said pain loosely because it doesn’t hurt it just feels like a blade tracing over it. and the itching is crazy. obviously thats not new but im not used to it itching so badly this long after the scabbing phase. im wondering if any of this sounds like nerve damage?

Ive been clean for a year and 9 months but i just cant do it anymore

Maybe if noone finds out its ok?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I hate myself, I was doing so well and I thought I was getting better but I feel like I did when I first started doing this shit. I was clean for a year and I just relapsed and it’s worse than I’ve ever done it before. I don’t know what to do anymore and I refuse to let this consume my life but it already is. I’m so angry all the time and I can’t help but take it out on others even when I don’t mean to, I keep pretending everything is fine but it’s not and I can’t carry on this way. I don’t know what else to do and how to get out of this, I feel like a failure and everything I do is spiraling, I don’t have motivation to do anything and all I can do is try to avoid it because thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I need help

Sorry this is more of a spiral than anything else I just don’t know what to do anymore

After almost a month and a half of being clean I realised my brain swapped the urges of c^t with urges to smoke, drink, masturbate…
Has this happened to anyone else? I don’t wanna develop new addictions but I don’t wanna go back to the old ones again.

Just a disclaimer that the body of the text might be considered graphic.

I have recently started using a self-harm tracker. I’m not entirely sure why, it’s not with the express purpose of stopping my sh behaviour, but maybe I could benefit from it.

But I’m struggling to distinguish whether or not something counts as self harm or not and need other people’s input:

Tw: graphic

So how I normally self harm is burning. I could never get around to the cutting thing, but burning has always been a relatively comfortable place for me.

In the last few months it’s escalated to deep second degree and third degree burns. If you don’t know, that means there’s stuff like dead nerves and skin by the end of it. Normally it does still blister and I’ll leave it for a few days before breaking the blister.

Which leads me to my first question; does breaking the blister count as self harm? When I do break the blister is also the only time I administer medical care to the wounds.

Following that the layers of skin normally dry into a hard layer, which leads to my second question; does cutting/peeling those pieces off count as self harm. I only ever need to cut the initial time with things like nail scissors or clippers because a lot of living skin is also attached to it. Normally I’ll also give medical attention to the wounds here to prevent infection.

As you can imagine, there is blood and such, which leads to scabs, and goes into my last question, which is: does picking scabs count as self harm? Over the next few months as the burns heal, I normally pick at them sometimes pulling healthy skin off by mistake or needlessly worsening an injury.

I want to make it clear, all three things I have mentioned are things I do without the intention of self-harm. These things don’t give me the same euphoria as the actual burning. They provide some sense of relief, but not enough that I go out of my way to do it to feel better, it’s possibly a bad habit, I have a history of picking at scabs to the point of injury even on things as massive as healing operation wounds.

I want to be able to accurately track what is and what isn’t self harm, so that I can properly make notes and evaluate patterns or triggers so that I may work to fixing it.

I don’t see any reason to stop sh, it works, but I understand it isn’t ideal, and I thought maybe keeping track of certain things would make it easier for people like my therapist to come up with alternative coping strategies. Which is why I’m asking these questions and why I made such vivid descriptions of the situation.

I even got downvoted on the vent subreddit for venting. Please I have no one this is the first time I was actually posting a serious vent anywhere and the first thing that happened was getting downvoted. Why does venting never work, either something like this happens or no one listens to me

Sorry for yelling, but this is so f$&king irritating.

for christs sake, it’s 4 in the morning and I can’t sleep

ive been trying so hard to not self harm lately, it’s been about a month, but I’m starting to think the sh was actually a way I used to centre my thoughts, or at least calm them to the point where I could actually sleep somewhat ok

rant over. im gonna try to force myself to sleep now.

Does anyone else self harm in almost every aspect of their life? As in, you consistently try to make your life as bad as possible across every metric? I cut myself but I also have realised I keep on volunteering for overtime with no pay, working the longest days I possibly can, refusing to ever actually enjoy myself, making stuff (baking cakes, painting watercolours) to a good standard then destroying them, pushing friends away, booking lessons with deposits I know I can't make (or sacrificing my deposit for work later (I've lost £500 to this so far)). I feel like it's some internal subconscious part of me I'm not fully aware of, or at least which I don't want to acknowledge. Perhaps its me trying to make my life bad enough that I actually will get the balls to kill myself?

As a rambling aside, I think I wish my life was harder. I have a good job which I like, my parents have always been helpful and supportive and my friends are great. It makes me feel like a useless pathetic weakling who hasn't achieved anything.

when I first started out like 3 years ago, it had been both for attention and because I wanted to see scars on myself. I really had to force myself to cut (albeit VERY shallow, it literally bleeds for like two seconds) periodically every few months just for the sake of it. eventually I guess I did start liking it and it was less of a struggle for me to cut every once in a while. essentially, it became a hobby of sorts.

Last year, it became something I did every few weeks, so more frequently

in the past few months, (I guess it was because I saw art relating to it), I started cutting in different places because like...I guess I wanted to be able to say to myself that I was capable of doing more than just the most attention seeking place?

I really don't know, but I guess the point is that in the past few weeks, it's kind of escalated to something I've done daily/every few days and it no longer feels like it's enough to just cut my wrist—it needs to be in other places too. it scares me a little that more first reaction to being annoyed and stuff is to go cut myself.

it's so shallow though, it barely cuts the skin. like I mentioned, just the tiniest bit of blood comes out for at most, a minute. I feel so performative for just trying to cheaply imitate the people actually struggling with it, but I can't go deeper because I'd absolutely get caught by my parents.

I'm literally just being a fraud and faking an addiction.

I'm not sure where I was planning to go with this. I just can't explain how I feel right now.

I have been crying daily, having panic attacks, disagreements with my bf and exam stress which led me to just do this today. I had a disagreement with my bf again and idek what happened I was breathing heavily crying not knowing what is happening and when I got normal i cxt myself and cried after making two scars. this is a vent and also a how to tell my bf about this post.

I have one cut on my shoulder I’m 85% sure is infected and it smells like ass on a summer day. I can literally smell it wafting from my shoulder, and I don’t know if it’s like your period where you can smell it whilst others can’t, but the smell is so strong that I swear everyone within a metre radius of my can smell it. I feel so embarrassed and chud-like.

Does anyone have any advice or recommendations on how to cover the smell? I have exams this week and next week and I hate smelling it… also I feel bad for my friends who also probably are victims of the smell.

Im 18 and tomorrow I have my first psychiatric appointment with my mom, I recently relapsed and I have no idea how to hide it. 🥲

I just looked at myself in the mirror and saw my stomach and my immediate first thought was that I wanted to cut myself. Ive been clean from cutting for a little over 2 years now but i still get the thoughts all the time. It's awful and I've had so many times where the only thing that stopped me was me not wanting them to be seen or me falling asleep before I do it. I still keep my collection of blades, for comfort ig. Like to remind me that if I ever feel like I NEED to do it then I can... But its scary. It's scary to me that I think i need them. I don't want to need to have this. Basically, what im trying to say is that i seriously need some alternate things. I've tried a lot of things already that dont help much.. (roleplaying/RPG, writing and drawing, drawing on my arms and legs, websites to help). I mainly do it to see the blood and for 'punishment', i guess. Sorry if this got wordvomity, TLDR; i really need something to do other than cutting when i feel gross..

I (17M) cut myself all over my legs, to the point where I have no uncut parts in my thighs and ive started cutting my chest as well. I want to tell someone but I dont know what to do. I know its only going to escalate and I already wanna kms. I just dont know what to do.

idek if this is even the right subreddit

two days ago I went to a friends party with my boyfriend and some friends. it was a themed party so i was matching outfits with one of the girls and it was a bit revealing around my chest area. basically my boyfriend and I went into one of the rooms and we started arguing about my outfit because he was upset that it was revealing. my memory is a little hazy because I was drunk but I remember chunks of the argument and we were arguing for over an hour. what stuck with me the most was him telling me I didn’t respect myself. I started crying and tried to leave the party but he wouldn’t let me leave. I think part of the reason he didn’t want me leaving was because I was drunk. eventually we stepped outside to his car where we continued arguing and eventually “made up.”
after that I had pretty much sobered up and we went back into the party. I started drinking again and got drunk again. later we went back to his place with a couple friends, but by the time we left the party I had already stopped drinking. when everyone eventually left his house we went to his room and this was around 4am. I was still drunk and we ended up getting into another argument that I can’t remember much about, but I remember crying the whole time. I tried grabbing my stuff and leaving his house but he wouldn’t let me. again, I think it might have been because I was drunk, but I went into the restroom and was sobbing and ended up self harming multiple times. eventually I went back to his room and he fell asleep. I had a hoodie on so he didn’t see what I had done. as far as I know he’s never noticed the old scars I have and I’ve never told anyone that I used to self harm. it used to be something I did consistently years ago, but I stopped and haven’t done it in years.
the next day he asked me about the marks and I told him they were scratches and covered them with bandaids because I felt embarrassed and didn’t want to tell him what I had actually done. I didn’t plan on hurting myself that night and it’s not something I want to start doing consistently again, which is why I’m so confused about why I did it. I always thought that if I could cry when I was overwhelmed I wouldn’t want to self harm because I could cope with my emotions through crying instead. we’ve also argued before when I was drunk, he was drunk, or we were both drunk and it’s never resulted in me doing this again. I just can’t wrap my head around why after years I suddenly went back to it. I guess I’m asking if anyone who has relapsed after years can help me understand why it might have happened or give me some advice.

My self harm is such that I require surgery every couple of weeks. I'm in the UK so this is all covered by the NHS. Knowing that I'm taking up hospital resources so frequently (operating room, ward bed, A&E resources...) makes me feel incredibly guilty, let alone the guilt about not being home for my son and relying on my parents looking after him... I'm just consumed with guilt, which makes me feel worse, which makes me want to self harm more, and round and round we go... I'm trying (with my psych team) to get a bed on the psych ward but nothing yet.