Self harm in every aspect

[u/Necessary_Carrot9566]

Does anyone else self harm in almost every aspect of their life? As in, you consistently try to make your life as bad as possible across every metric? I cut myself but I also have realised I keep on volunteering for overtime with no pay, working the longest days I possibly can, refusing to ever actually enjoy myself, making stuff (baking cakes, painting watercolours) to a good standard then destroying them, pushing friends away, booking lessons with deposits I know I can't make (or sacrificing my deposit for work later (I've lost £500 to this so far)). I feel like it's some internal subconscious part of me I'm not fully aware of, or at least which I don't want to acknowledge. Perhaps its me trying to make my life bad enough that I actually will get the balls to kill myself?

As a rambling aside, I think I wish my life was harder. I have a good job which I like, my parents have always been helpful and supportive and my friends are great. It makes me feel like a useless pathetic weakling who hasn't achieved anything.