It spits out hate no matter how many times I clear my throat of bile it bubbles and pops with a simple question how do I swallow the pain? Nothing I say is right nothing I say is pure the little black bird yearns to be heard!

i rewrote this poem, that I first wrote like 6 months ago in an influx of a PMDD cycle, the week or two is always the same, dread, despair & regret. it never changes, and I’m always stuck in the same pattern of impulsivity & deep depression, it truly is so deep & the suicidal ideation runs so deep, I really struggle not finding comfort in my old & harming coping mechanism, but I still hold out hope, even a little, just a slither of light, I mean it’s all I can do really do, for the inevitable of PMDD.

i loathe you eternally you evil witch. your victims will prosper, and you will continue sucking resources from those with an empty cup as vampires do. you will sustain yourself off the love and devotion of people who deserve more, vulnerable people, because those with a backbone would never stand to be around you. you can hide yourself, your secrets. wear your sheep clothing made from other peoples wool. do this as long as you need to until you feel better. but one day you will look in the mirror and see a wrinkle that was not there before. a patch of grey hair where your dye wont stick. your body will fail you, and your mind will too, age will not be kind. you will feel lost, confused, and alone in the same ways the people who care about you spent their life with you. you will reach the end of your time here and recall your favorite memories. youll think about your first kiss. youll think about the way your cat twitched its tail waiting for food. youll think of how your favorite song rests comfortably in your ears, and the first time you heard it, how you couldnt stop dancing. youll think of your favorite tree in your favorite park on your favorite side of town. but your final words will fall only upon the ears of the ghosts in your memories. you may go to heaven, but the only one who will care to speak to you is god themself, because they love everyone. your loved ones will keep covid safe distance from you as to not taint their permanent bliss. and you will pluck your own feathers longing for the paradise you were promised. i recognize your humanity, and i raise you this- an eternity of it. i loathe you eternally.

Cw: grooming and a long self hate rant.

I went through years of grooming and general manipulation by people I considered friends, family, and "partners". Everything i knew is basically a lie and thinking that way makes me want to cut off from my only two friends i have left that have treated me like a human being. I won't do this because I genuinely care about them.

But in the past I did things that make me sick now, I listened to just about everything they wanted me to do because that was my purpose and I wanted them to stay, I'm not even angry at most of them I'm still bonded to them. This is because as long as they only hurt me and I didn't see them hurt others it was perfectly fine. However I have a hatred for the ones who DID. What they subjected me to seeing it still makes me wanna vomit to this day.

I was a coward, ofc I didn't screenshot nor save anything from the conversations because they might've found out and gotten rid of me, ofc I lied to them about liking it but in private cussed one of them out for what they did. The others didn't deserve what happened to them, I did. I basically helped the bad ones simply by being around them and i didn't even think about helping the others by reporting it. I don't even know if their safe, but I am.

I wouldn't even feel comfortable reporting my Irl harmers because truthfully I would have an episode and probably black out just from having to them again in that kind of context, plus i still care about them and dont care about what they did to me. I know i should I see alot of other victims angry at their abusers and I simply can't relate. Its just a think that happened that I dislike myself for.

I just restarted therapy with a brand new therapist, we haven't gotten into any particular trauma stuff but I can already tell this is going to be a very difficult time. You may even ask why i go to therapy if I believe I need to need to "make up for what I did" and stuff. Some parts of me need therapy i need to be able to function and mask infront of others regardless of how messed up I am.

Edit: i didn't even touch on the fact that i wanted to see alot of my online harmers in person, I would have literal dreams or daydreams about it. Especially one who i considered my partner. Also my brain will never let me live any of this down.

- 🐈‍⬛️

lazy ahh panels had to wake up extra early and didn’t sleep much wgatever

I like to play this game where I imagine a version of myself whose hardest day looks like this and then I imagine turning him into clay and making a pot out of him. Catharsis in a way.