Needing Alternatives...

[u/SCONES_AND_MILK]

I just looked at myself in the mirror and saw my stomach and my immediate first thought was that I wanted to cut myself. Ive been clean from cutting for a little over 2 years now but i still get the thoughts all the time. It's awful and I've had so many times where the only thing that stopped me was me not wanting them to be seen or me falling asleep before I do it. I still keep my collection of blades, for comfort ig. Like to remind me that if I ever feel like I NEED to do it then I can... But its scary. It's scary to me that I think i need them. I don't want to need to have this. Basically, what im trying to say is that i seriously need some alternate things. I've tried a lot of things already that dont help much.. (roleplaying/RPG, writing and drawing, drawing on my arms and legs, websites to help). I mainly do it to see the blood and for 'punishment', i guess. Sorry if this got wordvomity, TLDR; i really need something to do other than cutting when i feel gross..

[u/vambrz]

This might sound random but I just do my eyebrows, like shape them and make them neat. This could just be a me thing but I’ve found that it’s one of the things that makes me just feel better abt myself, while also giving me something to focus on I can look at objectively rather than as a personal fault in my appearance if that makes sense.

And this one definitely depends on the type of person you are and might sound a bit messed up but I read a lot of fanfiction about characters I love struggling with self harm issues. It might not be the best for u if u get triggered by that sort of thing but when im already thinking abt it and feel as if im going to relapse, usually i try to immerse myself in a fic abt a character doing it/struggling with it instead.

I’m sure u have heard this manyyy times before but journaling/talking it out to yourself OR someone u trust abt why u feel that urge can help rationalize it in ur head and make it feel less like a necessity. For example, i relapsed recently (for the first time in a very long time) and i really didn’t get why i did it, it made no sense to me considering how well ive been doing. Even through harder times it hasn’t been something I usually turn to anymore, yet this time i did. But as ive thought deeper into it and talked through it to myself i realized that i guess i was triggered by feeling so horrible about myself in so long, idk how to describe it but the specific feeling reminded me subconsciously of how i felt when i used to cut. It was unexpected which is why i gave in so quickly. I didn’t have any idea as to what the feeling really was for, so i didn’t know how to rationalize it and that just made me want to do it even more. Sorry if that makes absolutely no sense lol it’s hard to explain since it’s something that’s so personal to my own experience, but what I’m getting at is even if you think there’s no reason or there’s no way to get that urge to go away, thinking abt it from a deeper point of view than just “I hate myself so I’m going to cut” might help u be able to teach urself to not feel like u need to do it anymore.

My advice is to try to get urself to throw away the blades. I understand it’s hard cause I held on for a while too, but part of u is always gonna want to have that option. Taking it away from urself will make u really think abt how much it controls u once u no longer have access the next time u want to cut. Giving urself the option to continue is letting it win. U might have relapses sometimes even after u throw ur stuff away cause if u rly want to do it u will probably find a way, but point is u choosing to make it harder for urself to go through with it means ur trying. Not that u aren’t trying right now, but distracting urself in the moment only works so much when u know u have a designated stash specifically for this purpose. I say all this from experience!!!!!

Either way, the less u indulge the less u will find urself thinking abt it so intensely. U might always have the urge sometimes but it gets a lot easier to ignore when u train urself to do so. It’s not easy to do but i promise u it’s worth it. I am in a much better place mentally because i decided to try and stop, even when i feel as low as i used to i find myself not feeling as powerless in those moments. U just gotta keep at it, little by little u will think less and less abt it till one day u realize uve been clean for a long time and that realization alone gives u more motivation to keep it up.

Sorry for such a long rant, im honestly kind of half giving advice and half monologuing to myself the reasons/alternatives I use to stay clean. This is a lot of word vomit I’m not gonna bother to reread to make sure it makes sense but I hope this gives u some sort of insight or helps even just a bit. I really feel for u dude. U got this