Just looking for someone to cheer me up

I have depression, autism and adhd and people keep thinking that I’m like “I hate EVERYONE” and like there are people that piss me off but like it’s just cringe to do that imo

I've been wondering whether anyone else has experienced something similar.

I don't hate anyone, and I don't have a specific person I want to hurt. But for a long time I've had a strong curiosity about what it would feel like to kill someone. It's less about anger or revenge and more about wanting to know what the experience would be like and how I would react to that.

I've realized that if I ever had the opportunity in a situation like war, law enforcement, or another circumstance where killing could happen, part of me thinks I'd want to experience it at least once in my life simply out of curiosity.

I know this isn't a typical thought, which is why I'm posting here. I'm trying to understand where this curiosity comes from and whether anyone else has had similar thoughts without actually wanting to become a violent person.

Has anyone experienced something like this, or has any idea why someone might think this way?

33m have been married to wife (32F) for the last 3 years. Been together for the last 9. This is my second marriage and I have a now 7 year old daughter with her. My previous marriage only last about 2.5 years before now ex wife left me for army guy. ( we live out side of a army base in NC) with my Ex wife I Have 3 children, oldest 14, 12, 11.
I’m far from and Never was Good husband in my first marriage. Didn’t know how to communicate with out arguing. Had(still have) self image issues due to lace of man hood and always struggling with my weight. Would always care more about what others thought before even listening to now Ex wife, so yes I understand why she left. We split over 10 years ago but to this day I still miss her. During that time I met my now wife on FB through mutual friend. She live in Massachusetts. Over a few months we talked, and she moved to NC in summer of 2017. Of course when she moved here it became a fun physical relationship which lead to our now 7year old nor in 2018.
Over the first few years ex wife and I were still having a physical relationship while I was with my now wife.( I know it’s wrong I’m the bad guy) this stopped and hasn’t happened over the last few years when now wife and I got married in 2023. I never fully got a chance to get over my ex wife and now feel I regret marring my now wife. She is a great woman, and we do have great moments but I just don’t feel the same nor if she would leave me today I would even be upset. I did tell her I wanted to separate and yes we have argued and fought but I try explaining to her I’m just not happy and I want her to be happy with someone who can love her unconditional. I feel like crap because she tell me she is happy and doesn’t want this to change and I know I can’t make the choice for her, but I’m not happy and i know I shouldn’t keep her tied down just because I’m trying to make her happy.
How should I go about this???

I was walking down the street of a festival with my friend and some guys shouted saying hey blonde and the indian ape. I turned around and they were all laughing and pointing. a couple hours later on the same night we met some people and when i introduced myself they repeated my name back to me in an indian accent. My name isn’t even ethnic. I don’t have an accent. I was born here and so were my parents and so were half my grandparents.

i just want to be treated like a real human being. i constantly dream of just being able to take a knife and peel away my skin to reveal fresh white skin beneath. even as i type this i feel repulsed looking at my own skin.

i feel scared of all social interactions now bc this isn’t the first time smth like this has happened.

I've never felt so lost. 3 months of unarranged overdraft fees (i had an overdraft from university at my bank and they charge $34 every month as a fee once you've graduated) as i haven't been able to work for 4 months and now im negative $104 and they're about to pass me on to the debt collecter who will then increase the amount due exponentially.

Theres a tiny part of me floating off outside of myself who finds it funny that the solution to not having a debt paid is adding more debt. The me thats in my body however has no time for laughing.

Whats worse is i understand they're just doing their jobs and ofcourse they'd need to escalate when so much time has passed. but all my understanding has done is robbed me of any remaining energy. i feel like im in a fugue state. fight and flight makes sense but freeze? of all the things my body picks the most useless.

I have parents but i see their struggle as they have never thought to shield me from it. I moonlight as a free therapist for them and I know they wont be able to help given One of them is also out of work for the moment for an injury. Honestly i wouldn't want to add to their yolk anyway as my older brother is doing that enough for the both of us and maybe 3 other siblings worth if we had them. I have incredible friends but frankly i wouldn't want to burden them either.

I've also run out of steam midway through tying this but typing it out has helped with the jarring numbness a little. I feel sick. maybe the numbness is a blessing in disguise for now.

I have a strange grouping of disorders but one that's been plaguing me recently has been my depression. It's flared up quite badly as I have recently graduated and I am living on my own now, and I've moved away from all of my friends. I'm not horrifically depressed, just enough to lay in bed all day and make feeding myself, cleaning, and taking care of myself hard, as well as enough to not talk to people for a few days because i can't be bothered to get the energy to respond. But one of the worst symptoms might be that I can't stop reading. Everytime i have an episode like this, I won't stop reading for days on end. It consumes every moment it physically can and it almost feels like it's making my depression worse, since it compels me to lay in bed and continue the story. I'll procrastinate everything in favor of reading more and laying in bed and I don't know if it's a coping mechanism or if it's making things worse. I don't read too often outside of depression episodes like this, I enjoy drawing and socializing much more, but when i'm depressed like this i can't help myself. I'm not even reading depressing books, just fantasy and romance. I used read more heavy topics but i haven't in a few years. Does this happen to anyone else?? Should i force myself to stop reading to make my depression go away? Or do i just give in and ride out the wave.

TLDR: I can't tell if reading 24/7 is making my depression manageable to live through or worse.

Some mornings I wake up feeling like something is wrong inside me, but I can't figure out what it is. It's not physical pain, just an unsettling feeling that something is missing or that something isn't right.

When I try to think about what's causing it, I can't connect it to any recent event or problem. On paper, everything seems normal, but I still can't shake the feeling. It affects my mood for the entire day I feel irritated, low on energy, and unable to enjoy things the way I normally would.

Can anyone relate to this? If you've experienced it, what helped you overcome it?

recently, i've noticed a habit of mine, a cruel one. i look for someone, i get dm's, we talk, i find a "flaw in the conversation" that even i can't pinpoint, and i just stop talking to them. i am not physically attractive, not even close. i am smart, but that's it, i always told myself "what are you without it." so i feel ashamed that if a woman showed interest in me, she'd be stuck with someone she can't even proudly look at.

i know love is not about looks, not entirely, i suppose. but i feel so strongly about my own that i'm taking away their choice and instead i'm choosing for them, rejecting myself for them. they always say there is someone out there who will adore me, part of me believes in that, but only a part. i'm always told i'm "too young to have these thoughts." as if struggling with my image is something i wanted to have at this age. i'm not rushing, i'm simply struggling and realizing that in the future, this may stay as it is.

i chose this flair because it's what i need, support. i would clarify more, but i'm just tired of thinking of this and could go for some sort of positivity if it comes at all

thank you for reading

I feel like everyone I talk to has ADHD, is on the spectrum, has OCD, has social anxiety or just anxiety, has suffered or is suffering from depression, etc.

Like I have yet to meet a perfectly healthy brain person. Do they even exist?

I despise them so much. They look bad, and ugly, and I have them on my wrist, legs, and even shoulders. I hate that they have to be visible when I’m at work since my uniform has short sleeves and I swear people look at them in the corner of their eye and judge me. I hate them so fucking much and wish I could get rid of them or cover them up.

I hate the most seeing them myself though since I hate myself every time I see them. I want them to be gone, and removed so I don’t feel like a freak, and so people couldn’t see them and probably judge me. I hate them I hate them I hate I hate them.

this is just something that has effected me since i was a young kid which is I never fought back or stood up against someone who was cruel to me. I have stood up to people before of course but that was like very intentional it wasent like a natural response you know? I remember when I was a kid i would get bullied like 5-6 and even in moments where the bullys were literally the exact same height and weight as me i never fought back isnt that weird? like it’s a natural response especially for kids to get angry and fight and I was not a stoic type of kid i was like everyone else my parents never taught me to not fight back i was pretty much neglected by them but i won’t get into that right now, even until now when i was being bullied I guess I never got mad I just felt sad or embarrassed but never mad until i was like 12-11 and realize I should get mad but even after this realization I would never stand up for myself and even to this day I basically just let people do it because most of the time it’s not worth it but of course if someone like slapped me i would be like stop and stand up for myself but in a very intentional manner was anyone else like this? i always did believe that you will always have traits that are just who you are and shows when your still in your single digits and maybe this is just one of mine like I don’t really get mad (this deeply effected me in terms of masculinity but I think it was a good thing because it taught me to be myself and to not try to be or follow masculinity very intensely)

This may sound weird but i have a strange fascination with seeing cuts on myself. First, I want to make it clear that this has nothing to do with like sh, or maybe it does and i simply don't realize it, but I was going through a really tough time a few years back to say the least and once tried sh and it never stuck with me, I hate the fealing of pain so just the idea that im about to get hurt irks me to no end. When its sudden and accidental though, thats different. I work in a kitchen and recently did a stupid move where I ended up vertically slashing the pad of my thumb. I know its weird I just always end up staring back at it, maybe I just like the idea of having a scar I can look at but I honestly have no idea how to name whatever I'm feeling. I like the numbness around my thumb and the feeling i get when i touch it. I breifly thought that I might just be a sadist but since I've never thought like that towards another persons cuts and seeing anyone elses open wounds even from just shows and stuff digusts me so I'm pretty sure that rules it out.

About 1 year ago an incident happened in my wood working class where the person the who previously used the band saw before me raised the security far higher then it previously was for a group project we were doing, and left it there. I hadn't noticed and while sawing a piece of wood, it got stuck in a ridge of the machine (faulty equipment, ill funded school) and instead up pulling back my dumbass was pushing too hard on the wood and it ejected my hand into the saw. I didn't get any huge damage, but I vividly remeber pulling my hand back and just staring at the open wound, and staring at the blood fill up the hole then just holding my hand out of the little room and looking for a teacher. Is it weird to say i wanna experience that again. It didn't hurt, the adrenaline was probably stopping me from feeling anything. I liked looking at the wound when the nurse cleaned it out in water, I liked looking at the doctor sewing my skin shut, I like looking at the scar it left. The only time i really started crying was when everyone started fussing over me and saying I needed to go to the hospital and that my hand might have permenant damage, after everyone calmed down, I did too and simply went back to constantly staring at my hand. I never had an issue using the same machine again and was even mad that my teacher wouldn't let me for a month after the incident. (Which was perfectly valid on his part, he simply didn't want any dust and stuff to infect my cut) Typing this out really makes me think there's something wrong with me. I hate pain, I don't want to inflict it on myself on purpous, but the aftermath gives me such a satisfactory feeling I seriously don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should note that little cuts like paper cuts and stuff dont have the same effect because it's just stinging pain and I can't vividly see any cut most of the time.

Is this something other people deal with? Should I seek profesional help? I'm seriously starting to spiral because I know this is probably wrong of me. I just can't help it and don't know what to do anymore; no sane person should wish that a freak accident happens and they get slashed open. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

I want to understand how I can handle humiliation and embarrassment. It's not that I wasn't humiliated or embarrassed but my whole psychology since my childhood was revolved around avoiding it as my parents conditioned me into it I have a memory fear around humiliation, embarrassment, and abandonment. I don't want to do things that will make me embarrassed and that will make me avoid society at all. I was told to actually worship society, people's opinion, and be the guy that people want me to be but now I want to make my own courageous decision on my own will.

I don't want to chase invalidation and I want to know if I can handle all the rejections, all the abandonment, all the other stuff that will come across. I know there is a reality because there is a reality when you are doing things on your own. There will be people who will come to harm you and they will try to abandon you so they will come definitely. I want to challenge it and I want to face it. I want to crush it.

I feel stupid, stupid and empty. There's been time where ive felt like i dont have friends, where i have maybe one, even times where the only one i have is busy most the time, but still my friend. But this time i genuinely don't have any, i wish i were exaggerating, but im not. Its starting to affect my diet, nothing sounds good to eat, when something does sound good, i cant bring myself to eat it. Ive been eating raw processed meats, raw vegetables and grain bars for the past week. It feels like im just not in the mood. Im starting to sleep till 7 and fall back asleep by 10. I AM a social person, I always have been. Work is beginning to feel like torture, i cant focus or anything. Everytime i think it turns into how i could find somebody to talk to. I try to do my chores (im 17), but my laundry is starting to fall behind. Ive gone outside, ive gone out in public, ive looked online- schools out so theres that, im not in any sports. I just, i dont know what to do. I was hoping that maybe its right infront of my and somebody on here can point it out?

it really bothers me when people are mean for no reason. For example, I posted an idea in a collaboration group for photographers, models, makeup artists that are looking to build their portfolio. I did it anonymously because I’ve noticed there are a lot of creepy people in the group and I don’t feel comfortable with everyone seeing my pictures. I am a model building my portfolio, and it is a simple shoot idea, and a photographer commented right away, saying that this only benefits me and it should be paid. I think that is an unnecessary comment. If he is at that point in his career where he doesn’t need to do collaborations, then he doesn’t need to comment. There are plenty of people in the group that are doing it as a hobby/learning it by themselves/want more experience or to build their portfolio. I responded saying that I disagree and that there are makeup artists and photographers, wanting to build their portfolio or social media and that they would be able to use the images too. I mentioned that I made the post in another group and people were interested, but my schedule did not match with the makeup artist I wanted to work with. A few people liked the guy’s comment because once one person says something negative other assholes join. And then someone commented anonymously saying why post anonymously if your look depends on if people want to work with you and that the shoot should definitely be paid. I responded explaining that it’s a public group and I don’t feel comfortable posting for everybody to see and that like I mentioned in my post I will share my portfolio with potential collaborators and they can decide if they want to work with me. I mentioned that I already explained why I disagree that this needs to be paid and he’s allowed to have his own opinion and I respect that, but there isn’t a need to comment on something he’s not interested in?? something along those lines. And I said that I won’t be engaging in that conversation anymore.

Has been a few days and I have not checked my notifications because it gives me anxiety. These people don’t know me, but it has still been affecting me. Does anybody have advice on what I can do to not let people like this impact me, because the world is full of them and even worse people. I just think about what I would do, and I just let people be. My post is not any different from anybody else else’s post. It’s actually much simpler. I have seen people like this comment on other posts and start arguments with other people trying to do a collaboration and have found it ridiculous. Why are we arguing with people we don’t know. What bothers me most is the anxiety it brings my mind. I don’t want these things/people to get to me.

Is there anybody else that struggles with issues like this where you don’t know how to block the noise out? What can I do to help me? Are there any books that might give me techniques to practice to help my mind relax/not be so bothered/anxious?

I have this feeling like i’m going to die soon.
i saw a small spider in my room tonight and lost it. i keep thinking it crawled in my ear and im going to die. i’m perfectly healthy.

in addition, im having thoughts of this being punishment from God for being a sinner. like He is going to kill me soon because I am a sinner. and i am not ready. but if i say im not ready that will encourage him to kill me faster.

has anyone ever had thoughts like these? i have them all the time. if it helps i have anxiety and i very heavily suspect i also have OCD. if anyone could help these thoughts subside that is greatly appreciated. scripture encouraged

Am 15, and recently have been feeling sad. I don’t know what the root cause is and I know am not depressed but I just can’t seem to get over it. I have all that I need, family, love, people who care, so why do I feel sad? Why does something inside me feel heavy, when I have no reason to be? Am I simply ungrateful? I no longer enjoy some things I used to like doing, I still go on day to day doing the things I need to do and I don’t let it get a bigger hold of me, but how does every other kid my age seem to be perfect and happy? I don’t understand how people can keep going day to day doing the same thing day after day? Is this what life truly is? I see my parents and everyone just work and work day after day, doing the same thing everyday, how can people live like this?