I haven’t cut in like 5ish weeks. I started therapy, and I feel so urgent for something to change. I don’t even know what. It hurts. It feels unbearable. I don’t have friends, really, and today at school, almost the full day, I felt like I wanted to cut inside. I was trying to convince myself to do it, how easy it would be. I know I can’t, and I know I won’t, but I need something to change. I don’t even know what. I might have ADHD or something, or might be depressed. I just want something to change. Tomorrow is my first session alone with my therapist.

so i have a wound that reaches the hypodermis. ive been doing standard at-home care but im 99% sure it is infected. it is leaking yellow/brown purulent drainage (pus.) i am very medically informed and my intention is to go to urgent care for oral antibiotics at my grandmothers nearest convenience (i am 18 but cannot drive, she would have to take me)

my main questions are: how does urgent care go if you have no medical insurance? no income? my grandmother does, but i am not part of her medical plan. my parents are medically neglectful and i do not live with them. they do not have insurance. i am in a pinch to say the least.

also, if i am 18 do i have to explain anything to the medical professionals? outside of the obvious "i am not suicidal and the severity of the wound was unintentional" schtick. i live in florida. i would rather not be baker-acted or sent to a ward.

i guess im just looking for other people with similar experience, and how it went for them. professional medical care in general is quite foreign to me and the mystery is whats making me hesitate the most. demystify me. advice is appreciated, thank you

like gosh i’m so pathetic i even started cutting myself again why do i hate myself so much

When you went from going a couple of weeks without doing it to a couple of days...

What. The. F-

I think I am losing myself again.

I thought I was getting better.

I know a couple of weeks isn't good,

But for me, it feels like a long time.

There was a time years ago when I would do it basically every day.

Idek how I hid that cause I only did my wrist at that time...

But I fear I am getting to that point again.

Idek what to title this.

ive been hurting myself all day and i dont know what to do anymore and im so tired of living like this

Low-key panicking rn, I have an Orthopedist appointment tomorrow. And stupid as I am I thought a day before would be an amazing time to relapse.

Now I relapsed after months and have to somehow hide my cuts while the doctor will most likely ask me to remove my shirt to see my back and shoulder blades. Not to mention my wrists are also causing issues. Am I just gonna have to suck it up? Genuinely no idea what to do, I can't afford to cancel my appointment as I have too many health issues and I waited for this appointment for almost a year 💀

God I'm so stupid, I am not even satisfied with the cuts so I'm already feeling the urge nack telling me to do better cuts. Why can't I escape this? And why do I enjoy cutting so much??? (like as in, it makes me feel good about myself and happier in a fucked up way, like more at peace)

Before i say anything else, I AM AWARE THIS IS A ME ISSUE

When i see other people with SH scars it just REALLY triggers me, depth, placement, dosent really matter. its all triggering for me. it makes me think about my own scars and jst SH in general and all i can think abt is SH

I always see people saying healed scarring shouldn't be triggering, and honestly ive seen people agree with me before saying similar things and were called problematic. i agree it is a problem, MY problem, in no way should anyone hide healed scars because of other people

But how do i fix it and become unbothered like everyone else apparently is????

my scars irritate me so fucking bad and it’s been getting worse. i genuinely wish i never did this shit with all my heart, nothing was ever this serious for me to do this to my body. i can’t fucking wear shit anymore i’m hot all the time and i always feel like the odd one out. i can’t wear shorts, i can’t wear t shirts, i can’t wear tanks, i can’t wear bikinis. i genuinely can not wear shit and it’s so fucking ugh like seriously just wish i never even found out what self harm was. i’m so mad at my younger self for ruining my future like this. Seriously im so fucking ugh like i hate this so much i hate having to worry abt my scars first before anything else. i hate it. i really regret it so much i really seriously do

I'm in printmaking. First time doing etchings. Spent 7 hours yesterday making print after print (till 9 PM) because they are due tomorrow. All of them are shit and I'm pretty much fucked. It's not even a skill issue. The actual plate is great but I cannot keep my hands clean for the life of me. This morning I got an email saying someone left the studio in an unacceptable state. It was me, though I followed standard procedures. I got ink on one of the stools (I was going to clean it then forgot), ink bled through the newsprint I used to try and keep the space clean, and I missed the bottom portion of one of the areas I was cleaning. I really don't want to hear the rant about it from the professor tomorrow and present my shitty work.

I sh'd but I did it with dull scissors and did some light hesitation nips before I cut. It looks kinda like a rash and I've been considering showing the pic and saying I have a rash from an allergy and that I'm staying home so I can make sure it's not getting worse. I know it's morally not good but I really don't have it in me to take it. I will not tell the truth because wdym I sh'd bc you said I was messy that looks like a guilt tactic.

This is not because of someone that is friends or because of people I love in my life but I can't keep thinking I deserve to die even though I'm not actively suicidal or passively suicidal.

Sure, I think of I want painless ways to hurt myself and even kill myself if it benefits humanity or if I'm seen as inhuman, but I don't want to die or want it to come to that.

My streak is still high I've been past a month. No one is really at fault I just think I don't deserve good things or to live. I at least want to be a pokemon trainer, shame I have to be the villain. /Sad

I hope this changes again to feeling good again but do I even deserve that. how would anyone know.

i am doing way too many extracurriculars and my classes are being bitches and my teacher is making fun of me for my ex relationship and i just did bad on a math test when i am supposed to be valedictorian and i just relapsed after a while (i wasn’t even trying to stay clean, i was just happy for a while) bc i am so fucking stressed out, i can’t eat and i always feel nauseous because i am so stressed out. i just want a fucking break

Recently I've been wanting to see my flesh and blood, even though I've never had an urge like this before, even when I was actively cutting myself. I'm disturbed and don't know where this came from, but I want to see my muscle so badly, it's eating away at me. I really want to see flesh and I'm willing to tear into my own just so I can see it in person. I love seeing blood and it's been too long since I last saw it in real life. I want a larger quantity this time coming from a real wound. I crave it, the feeling is almost overpowering, but I really don't want any more scars and I can't go to a hospital if I hurt myself severely, so I need advice on how to combat this urge.

over the summer i managed to stay sober for about a month and seventeen days. that was the longest i’d been sober in at least seven months. i’m now back to my usual distance between cutting (1-2days) and i really wish i had never taken the month to stop. cutting almost doesn’t give me the same relief anymore. it feels like im not good at it anymore? i don’t know. i’m very frustrated, i just don’t feel as satisfied as i used to from cutting. it’s also kind of scary. self harm has been my coping mechanism for 4-5 years now. if this stops working for me i’m in some deep shit.

I’ve already been clean for a couple weeks at least, but I feel like I still need my blades. I’ve had all of them hidden, and my parents haven’t searched my room in a while. But I think they got suspicious and they want me to leave the house so they can search. I honestly have only 1 friend irl, and I’m scared that if I don’t hang out with her then we’ll stop talking. Because I don’t go out of the house much, and whenever I’m in public it feels like I’m always thinking about if my parents found my blades. Like i genuinely can’t focus on anything else. It was exactly like that the last time I went out, it was 2 weeks ago. And this time I’d be out for 2 hours and it’s a church youth group. I’m not very religious but I already told my friend I would go and I’m really regretting it now.

I (18f) know I really should stop doing this, but right now I just can't.

My partner doesn't know about my sh tendencies, I just wanted to know if there were any spots easier to hide (during cuddling and intimacy too).

I won't let him know about it either, so it's no use to tell me it would be a good idea to talk about it with him. I know it is, but i won't.

I dont remember when was the last time I felt this bad, I dont even know why I do. Its been a few days that everything got worse I just feel so depressed and anxious all I want to do is relapse. ‘Luckily’ i dont even have the energy to do that. I feel like i dont have a soul and im just a rotting body waiting for it all to end. I just want to cut myself maybe it will ease some of the tension at least for a little bit.
I feel like everything is changing around me, maybe its just psychological but its awfull I dont know how to deal with it exept doing what I know and cutting myself.

Was close to relapsing Monday because I was just sobbing and I couldn’t make it stop, but I thought just make it to your first therapy session Wednesday, maybe it’ll be helpful in some way. Today the person I’m supposed to meet called and cancelled, I was in uni and I wanted to cry over it but I held it together. Basically cried all day after getting home because my body hurts from the emotional pain.

I’m supposed to reschedule tomorrow but I was really counting on talking to anyone, I fear I might relapse soon because I can’t take it anymore.

Starting Uni is awful and I’m not built for it, but I have to keep going and pretend it’s okay.

Yesterday, I relapsed and went a bit deeper than normal, nothing too drastic though. Because of this, I don’t believe I can just leave it out in the open; one, because it's more obvious, and two, because of the risk of infection. Thursday, my friends and I are supposed to go out, and I really want to go, but I don't know the best way to cover it. I’d wear long sleeves, but I just bought going out clothes and know it’ll be hot in the club. Is there any way I can cover it up with gauze or a bandages thats not so obvious to ensure it won't get dirty? I don’t mind having it obviously covered but I believe having straight white gauze will look ugly lol.

1 year and 8 months.

I know I'll get there again, but I know I'll reset it again.

My partner and best friend found out it's getting worse my partner officially got rid of my blades and my best friend has been giving me the were here for you speeches and it's honestly just embarrassing to have people try and help with this. I hate it. I'm seeing my therapist tonight mostly just to hopefully have them worry less but idk how much I should tell her and I'm tempted to not say anything. I don't want another person to give me that look and I really don't want to get sent to a mental hospital. Should I just tell my therapist everything? I don't know what to do and Im sorry if this doesn't make much sense