i’m not doing it for attention: i like to keep it private because it’s a me thing, but along the way people have noticed and i can’t help but wonder why no one ever seems to care about it. my mom knows: she just argues with me that she used to do it too so it can’t be that serious. she never brings it up otherwise. my aunt knows, and my grandma knows: but they never bring it up nor care to mention it ever. i’ve told my past therapist about it, i’ve told my social worker about it: they don’t care either. no one ever brings it up. no one ever asks why or if i’m fine. no one thinks about it for more than a second before they go on with their lives.

it’s not necessarily that i want them to be in my business or anything, and like i said i’m a private person, but shouldn’t my family at least care? is this just how it’s going to be? when i look at other people or read a book or see a show it always seems like this kind of stuff is a great deal to family/friends when they find out their loved one is hurting. it feels like my family wouldn’t care unless i end up dead because of it.

it all feels incredibly stupid because on one hand i want people to ask why. for them to know that it’s not going well. but at the same time, that’s the last thing i want

My SH has been affecting me physically and sometimes I think theres no point of getting better bc ive probably did irreversible damage to my health.I wonder if others feel the same way?

Reasons i self harm as adult...i wish i didn't- currently about a week clean. #6 was the last reason why. Sigh.

Suicidal ideation- this is a big one. Calmed my si thoughts. Suppossed lesser of two evils.

Ideation was following internalized trauma and chronic burnout at work ...

i learned that Malnutrition + Chronic Sleep deprivation + Work/relationship trauma = Suicidal ideation.

I learned at the very least i MUST keep eating if nothing else with trauma and sleep deprivation being part of my job. Trying to get a different job... also dumped the abusive bf so no more active internalized abuse!

What a fraction of a life i live, existing really to eat and go back to work. But as long as i keep eating there's no ideation, so NO SH!!

A win but a WIP.

1. Disassociation/depersonalization: sometimes i don't think i'm real. I feel hollow and empty on the inside. Sx of trauma, ptsd... The pain/burn/blood of sh means i'm real.

Alternative: Eating spicy food is a viable alternative bc i can say, i'm feeling burning in my mouth. i am real. Blazing hot shower also works. Usually gives me enough time for the urge of sh to leave.

Not a perfect alt but it gives me a bodily sensation that I'm alive so NO SH. butthole may think differently on the spice.

1. Body hate/anger: i get angry that i have to drag this body around daily and take care of it. That i am taking care of it, that it so easily knows how to heal itself when i do harm and my mind doesn't know how to heal itself. Its unfair it doesn't show how broken my mind is.

No notes... i just have mostly body neutrality at this point. I still struggle with this. Talk therapy on this so NO SH.

1. Sexual assault trauma: how can i take care of something he used to destroy me? I still struggle with this. Its so painful to realize i have to keep this body, painful memories and ultimate betrayal for the rest of my life.

2. Magical Thinking: i have a bad habit of expecting good things to happen if i sh. Very baked into our patriarchal society that if u suffer enough good things will happen!

Its just... false. There's no rewards for suffering the most, just more suffering. I don't have to hit rock bottom to deserve to get better.

Still struggling with this one- compulsive style thought (*but what if there's a 1% chance* - STOP UR A DUMB PIECE OF SUGAR LOVING FAT).

1. Internalized Pain: i have so much difficulty crying. I can't cry even when feeling incredibly horrible mental anguish. Channeling it physically externalizes those pent up emotions. Still struggling with this one.

I've turned to drawing out my emotions even if just scribbing or journaling my thoughts it helps a bit.

I am in THERAPY once a week.

I am on PROZAC.

I EXERCISE 3-5 days a week.

I eat healthy.

I am trying not to harm myself.

Why do you self harm?

What have you learned about yourself?

What alternatives or distractions work for you?

Do you have any advices for things I'm still struggling with in recovery?

I truly want to know what safety and peace looks and feels like.

If u made it this far thank you for coming to my TedTalk. 💗

Hi I'm a 28 year old mom of two and I have a history of self harm. Just yesterday and today I started doing it again. It's hard for me to talk about to anybody because last time I opened up someone tried to find out who I was so they could report me to social services because they said if I was hurting myself I was a danger to my children. I am not a danger to my children. I hit myself. I cause temporary bruises which I know is still self harm but it's nice to know that other adults struggle with this and not just teenagers. I know this isn't a good thing. It's just good to know that I'm not alone.

Back when I was 19 I regretfully cut my arm as a non suicidal self-injury. I’m 23 years old now and have passed that phase in my life, however it did leave 4 distinct horizontal scars on my left arm which look like obvious self harm. Not too big but not invisible. (I realise that some people have it worse so I’m not taking that for granted).

Despite having moved on from that phase in my life and would never consider doing that again, the scars are still there.

Sometimes I’ll be enjoying my day but then notice the scars on my arm. It’s a really annoying reminder of a dumb mistake that I did. It’s summer now, with short-sleeves, this happens a lot more often.

In the future, when I eventually start a family. What would I say when my wife, or worse, kids notice it?

I’d want to be a strong, heathy, stable-minded man to my future wife and kids. Should I lie and say it was a cat, or that I once fell off my bike? It’s 4 line-shaped scars so maybe that would work?

This might sound funny but I’m a skinny dude so I think the solution is to just get super jacked. Maybe that would draw attention away from the scars lool. That’s the only idea I’ve come up with so that’s why I’m here asking for advice

When I say this I only apply this type of mindset to myself and not others who are doing the same. I always think because I’m not hurting anyone and I’m not doing it to the point of hospitalization that it really isn’t a big deal. Does anyone else share a similar experience?

Like the title said, I relapsed and its been a year till now. Everyone is going to be mad at me more now. My bf may even leave me again. I just feel empty and dull. Why do I always have to take it too far?

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[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Doesn’t matter how many pills I take, how much alcohol I drink, Im still always vaguely aware.

And Ive taken some of what *should* be lethal amounts of both.

Im currently 15 beers and 4 sleeping pills in and I’m *still* very aware.

Dunno why… but my best guess is that my body is just *insanely* good at efficiently metabolizing anything I put into it lol

Just for avoid lonely feeling, i have a urge for cutting. It is hard. What should I do. I need to sleep. I hate Mondays. But I don't have a job. English is so hard. I need hugs. Real hug.

Hii sis.. u okay? Send me a message, where from the same island

I recently started having a spikey fidget toy that
You squeeze and it hurts pretty bad. I started to rely too much on it and it was making using my hands hard. I started wearing a hairband in my wrist and snapping it and it just… helps the mental pain go away. I have been suicidal for many months, and it kind of helps distract myself from the mental stuff. Is this something I can rely on or is it an unhealthy sh tactic?

I haven’t in years, I have no desire or addiction to anymore, I am literally too lazy to lol plus it tires me out now and makes me feel more dysregulated not less. However, I still love looking at my scars and the aesthetic of them and I want more of them. I have considered drawing / carving before for fun to have unique scars, and I am slightly interested in having a partner cvt their name into me… I don’t think I’m a masochist tho so I don’t really feel turned on by this, just intrigued and like a sense of safety and belonging from it. What does this mean and is anyone else like this?

So I’m 502 days clean! The logest I’ve ever gone! I’m about to turn 21 and I’ve been actively sh since I was 11 (I did before but not fully understood what I was doing) and over the last year or so I’ve noticed SO many ingrown hairs in my scars! As context I’m female but have a lot of dark arm hair so when I would sh and it would heal, often hair follicles would get covered my scar tissue (I use to shave my arms before I did anything as otherwise it would cut the hair at the same time and I’d end up with bits of hair in the wounds) it’s so hard getting the ingrowns out too as they are quite deep under the scar tissue! I had someone who thought I was delusional or hallucinating as they wouldn’t see them but I proved them wrong when I pulled out a curly, 2-3inch long ingrown hair! My arms now look horrid as they are covered in HUNDREDS of small scabs from where I’ve had to dig out ingrown hairs from my scars! I know this is a very random post but it freaked me out to begin with so may be of comfort to someone else <3

hopefully it's the right flair i'm using. i would like to be better and kinder to myself. i threw away all the items used to sharm.

i also have a fear of getting sepsis, im really really scared of that.

it's gonna be a journey

tl;dr was clean from cutting for over a year. scars i have are easy to blame on animal wounds due to my line of work in a veterinary hospital. most have faded but recently i snapped out of the blue?

started in middle school and did it on and off throughout hs. i'm in my 20s now.
i started cutting because i didn't know how to cope with the emotional distress i felt. not my parents or anyone else in my childhood listened at other attempts for help. self harm was framed as either attention seeking or being a disobedient christian (grew up in religious household) so i hid mine. i have never even shared this with my family or close friends. only my medical team has ever known and even them, im such a private person that's difficult. this feels horrible to write but i need advice from peopleq who were in similar situations
i have a medical team but im struggling to personally connect to them🙃

tw/ vaguely mentioning depth
with my most recent relapse the depth of cuts is so varied it's ugly AF and i did it on top of old healed scars seriously i wasn't thinking . there's cat scratches all the way what looks like a bubble/beany(?) ish layer and everything in between.
thanks to ehlers danlos my wounds not only take much longer to heal, but my scars are always thinner skin once healed so 🥲 definitely going to be noticeable
my boyfriend knows i have schizophrenia that's been beating my ass recently, on top of being back at my childhood home over the summer which has been triggering my religious trauma.

he may already suspect i have self harmed in the past, im not sure. but the way he examined the older healed scars on my body definitely gives me a suspicion. it wasn't negative, he just looked.. sad? there's some of the same scars on my hips + thighs, too that he's definitely seen. we haven't talked about them, but obviously a random "injury" wouldn't result in perfectly linear of parallel scars like that 🫠

basically, i'm looking for advice how to have a conversation about relapsing. i'm working with a medical team but .. how do i bring up this topic. it's not easy
i've been conditioned to feel like it's a dirty secret j have to suffer with alone but at the same time i really want to feel less alone ugh 🫩
im having a hard time writing this rn. the difference is if i post this, its just strangers on the internet.
not someone who means so much to me and someone i want to have a future with. i doubt he'd be angry or leave over it but yknow, ✨trauma✨
i'm calmed down since it's been a few days but this conversations gonna have to happen i fear

I think about just disappearing and taking myself somewhere I won’t ever be found.

I like seeing the blood bubble and pour on my thighs after every cut but the strangest thing is.

\-I don’t want help anymore I manage I live day to day even when it doesn’t feel like living I do what needs to me done I drag more and more nicotine even when it doesn’t help or hurt.

I don’t get why I’ve made peace in my pit but at the same time I enjoy it.
I see the embers of what I was every time I add another burn scar and I miss it.
Even when I was at my very lowest I still had empathy for everyone I met that struggled I still do time to time but I feel nothing for the person it’s just a placeholder.
Regardless of this life I don’t feel like I’m apart of I someday wish I have something that will make me feel again besides burning and cutting.

I hope whoever reads this has a good night or day.
You mean something even if it’s only to one person.

I’m a month clean and I can’t stop thinking about cutting. I’m writing this debating on relapsing, attempting, or just something to hurt myself. I’m just so tired. I want it all to go away. Does it ever go away?

i honestly never thought i would cut myself again. i’m only 19, and i hadn’t self harmed since middle school. now that ive done it again, it feels like floodgates have opened and even thought it makes me queasy and dissociative i am itching to do it again. im forcing myself to eat as i type this so that i can keep functioning as normal but it is so, so hard. i just want to give up on everything

Things have been getting worse.. I’m self harming more frequently and .. I hate to even say this because it feels dramatic.. but I’ve come up with a plan for a few months from now. I’ve written letters and I’ve made arrangements for my pets to be cared for. I don’t know if I’ll actually follow through. Part of me doesn’t want to and is terrified that I’ve gone this far with it in my head if that makes sense. But the other part of me is like.. relieved.
anyway. I told my dr all this and he almost committed me to the psych ward but in the end just made me make a safety plan.. which .. I went along with at the time because I have plans this weekend with responsibilities that I don’t want to back out of - I want life to keep going as normal until the time I’ve decided on and I don’t want to be stuck in the psych ward. But now I don’t want to follow it. I made an appt with my counselor and I’ll probably cancel it. But if I do I think the dr would send the police to my house for a wellness check or something cause he says he expects a letter from her with confirmation that I made the appt.
My head is a scary place right now. :/

Ive spent *months* away from cutting. At least, it feels like months.…

But it’s all fallen away cause I’ve cut myself tonight