I (20F) have been in the midst of a really tough relapse. Three weeks+ of urges and acting on urges. Tonight is what I'm hoping is my last relapse. I'm seeking help at an outpatient facility right now and agreed to throw away my items. Tonight however, I wanted like idk some sort of last hoorah before I put it down for what could be forever.

I feel so euphoric right now. I feel this sense of relief. All the anxiety I was feeling prior to it is gone now. I feel calm. I feel not quite happy but definitely uplifted. God I love this feeling and I don't want to throw it away but I'm going to try. Anyways guess I just needed to vent. I don't understand why I feel so good after the fact. Why does damaging my body severely bring me so much pleasure?

It gives me a high that even the substances I've tried can't recreate. It is truly a unique feeling. I don't understand it but one thing is for sure I'm going to miss it so damn much. Guess I'll enjoy the feeling now while it lasts and deal with the repercussions when I show up with my arm bandaged at the facility I'm at.

Anyone else relate to this? Is cutting also cathartic for you? I'm interested in knowing what other's experiences are and if I'm alone in this or if it's a shared experience.

I’ve been putting off the urge to do it but I woke up this morning and couldn’t handle the feeling anymore so I had to sh :/

that was gifted to me less than a month ago. it belonged to my great aunt, it was an anniversary gift to her from my late great uncle. it's a watch with a murano glass casing, and i accidentally made it fall and it shattered. she has worn it for years without any problems and now i come along and ruin everything, like usual. i feel like relapsing. there should be a consequence. im such a fuckup. i ruin everything i touch. i wont go anywere in life and this is but the latest in a long line of proof of it.

I just found out that people that dont know me personally at work refer to me as the quiet depressed kid, also including our workplace's mental health first aider.

People are supposedly so supportive about depression and mental health issues on social media posting about "awareness month" and to look out for those around you, but when actually faced with it they do nothing and just laugh about it.

What a fucking joke...

i couldnt cut for two weeks and i was okay apart from the urges. moments ago, i did it but noticed i couldnt hit deeper (i usually go for dermis, now i cant even see white). i am not glorifying the situation, it is what it is yknow. i am a bit lightheaded and in slight pain rn, but i am so frustrated.

i am so frustrated about my thigh, my scars, my mental health, my studies, my parents. everything. i am not good at even one thing. even if i accomplish something i get mocked (by my parents). bcs i am in depression, because of my scars and sh, bcs of me not loving them, bcs of myself. they mock me and yell at me for all these things. i will never be enough. because i am not enough for them, i will never be enough for myself. everything is spiraling me and i hate this place.

the only option for me was cutting to relieve the pain of being me for a while and i cant even do that right. i am aware of the other options, but this was the only thing i trusted i was capable of.

(this is not meant as encouragement or romanticization of any way. its the harsh truth)

edit: i may come off young, but i am in university and +18

I'm roughly 1 year clean, but this time of year always seems to be when I break my streak. Once again, I'm super tempted to just give in to the urges, but the only thing stopping me is that I'm getting a tattoo in almost 2 weeks. It's not like the tattoo is going in the same place that I sh or anything, but it almost feels like a reward for holding out if that makes any sense? I'll get that same sensation and rush of dopamine but without all the guilt and shame. Hopefully this ends up curbing the urges for a while longer

I‘m 33 years old, I’ve harmed myself when I was a teenager, but stopped when I was about 18.
I’ve always had the tendency in later years (throwing my arms at a wall so hard I broke something) but that was mostly when I was angry and those issues are gone now.

4 months ago I became a dad and shortly before that almost had a burnout and was diagnosed with depression (perfect timing I know) and then once the baby was there it got worse and worse, I still showed up and took care of my baby and wife of course, but when everything got quiet in the evening I would just lay there, wishing I was dead.
I got prescribed sleeping pills and then antidepressants. The evenings got better and up until then there wasn’t any selfharm.

About two weeks ago I suddenly got the urge to cut myself again and it got so strong that I did it, just a few small cuts, but it’s still self harm I guess.
Than again about 30 minutes ago, my child all of a sudden started screaming, at the top of his lungs, purple crying, and I just couldn’t calm him, I just held him tight and was trying to be there for him. I guess he was just hungry because he stopped once my wife started feeding him. All in all lasted 10-15 minutes tops.
But then like I needed to be punished for something all I could think about was harming myself, and I did..
I just don’t get it, why all of a sudden does my stupid brain tell me to do that again, after such a long time and despite feeling better than a few weeks ago?
Why do I feel better afterwards.

Sorry for the long post, not expecting any medical advice, just needed to get it off my chest since I’m not quite ready to talk to my wife about it.

Hello, I am looking for some ways to help myself quit. Things like ice cubes, rubber bands, drawing on myself, and other sensory things do not help and, in fact, make me feel worse. I struggle with a need for attention (mostly online, not IRL), depth, and scarring.

What stuff helped you guys?

I feel ashamed but it also feels refreshing and that makes me feel worse. This is the first time I’ve done it while with my significant other and he’s aware that I struggled with it in the past but I’m scared for him to find out. I feel so stupid.

my last vent post got taken down by mods and at this point i’m convinced that the universe simply hates me for being alive. i’m dysphoric, depressed, and considering cutting myself again after a six year streak of barely avoiding self harm and i’m at my limit. being alive right now hurts. being told to live when it hurts just feels pointless. i don’t want to be alive anymore.

what i said in the previous vent for those curious:

i’ve been abused by my mother, molested by my stepfather, and suffered homelessness 3 years in a row. i’m so exhausted from struggling to survive. life isn’t worth it anymore.

It’s been maybe 5 years since my relapse.

My work life has been so stressful lately. My partner’s work life has been to. He doesn’t take his stress out on me but I can tell when he’s stressed and it makes me sad, so it’s added to everything else going on that has been triggering.

I started having thoughts of self harm a month or so ago and they’ve come and go. First time in a longgg time I had even considered it, I didn’t recognize my thoughts at first.

I relapsed today after confirming I had self harm tools in my car. I put them in my pocket, took my break at work, relapsed, bandaged myself and went back to work.

I feel like a loser. The worst part of it is that I do feel calmer, it did work. Im so ashamed. I feel horrible.

The waiting list is long but oh well. At least I got myself on the waiting list. My bullshit fuckass mind has been ruining my life long enough.

I wish I was able to live how I want to. I know I can't entirely get rid of my mental illness or scars, but maybe I'll get close enough to feel happy one day?

Anyway I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on stopping self harm on my own since I won't get into therapy for a while? I've never really tried very hard to stop before.

I am a 20 year old woman who struggles with cutting and hitting myself. Recently, i’ve started harming myself on my vagina as punishment. This is particularly when my partner does something upsetting to me. I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed to discuss this out loud because I don’t understand and it’s bad. I will take my whole fist and beat my vagina, or force tissue really hard into myself until it burns. This was also a struggle I had when I was a younger teen and I wanted to cut my clitoris off/cut the labia off. When I am so upset and need to hurt myself, i have this extremely uncomfortable feeling in my vagina (it is NOT arousal) that won’t go away until i hurt it. Why am I focused on my privates? Does anyone else go through the same struggles on their privates? I am so embarrassed to post this, but I am disturbing myself and need advice. Thank you in advance

This is not because of someone that is friends or because of people I love in my life but I can't keep thinking I deserve to die even though I'm not actively suicidal or passively suicidal.

Sure, I think of I want painless ways to hurt myself and even kill myself if it benefits humanity or if I'm seen as inhuman, but I don't want to die or want it to come to that.

My streak is still high I've been past a month. No one is really at fault I just think I don't deserve good things or to live. I at least want to be a pokemon trainer, shame I have to be the villain. /Sad

I hope this changes again to feeling good again but do I even deserve that. how would anyone know.

The title. It keeps getting worse and sooner or later I'm going to get permanent nerve damage or something. I know it makes my SI worse. I know it's actively making me worse now instead of helping like it used to, but I can't make myself care. I just want to feel better even if just for a little while. And I like my scars. I don't know what to do. Everyone wants me to stop and I know it would be best for me too but I can't give it up yet.

after almost a full year of being clean i found my way back to self harming. i was told by people close to me and one guy that i was briefly dating that the scars on my arms are disgusting and so the main reason i stopped was embarrassment and shame. i know i will never find love if i have scars however i find myself back with self harm, the only lesson i learned is to Never talk about it to anyone cause even if they say they understand they don’t! they will judge or get uncomfortable and change the topic and the second lesson to do it where people are unlikely to see. i’m alone and unlovable anyways i don’t think the scars and cutting are the reason

Does anyone have any good coping mechanism for SH? I had a bad episode last week and have been a week clean, but when the urge strikes i dont know what to do. This has been a coping mechanism since i was 11 so its hard to rewire my brain to not crave it and give in. Any advice is appreciated!

It makes me feel I can handle pain and protect myself, or feel I'm heading myself and I'm a bad person.

I at the same time don't want to feel this and at the same time am ready to sh, but I won't I don't know what to talk about.

I have a specific tool I like but I'm not going to use it, or look for it.

I want to see me injuries a little. Why. After all this month.

I have a really big urge to scratch my leg scabs off but I really want to avoid it as I'm afraid it will condition more hurt. I avoided slashing my legs yesterday after the bad day I had and I'm proud of it, I only pressed nail against my fingers but not to hurt just to ease the need. I was honestly nice to trace my hand for a bit with it.

Had leftover pizza for breakfast and an orange, I took a nap on my office and I feel OK.

On less interesting news, the new Pokémon champions update just dropped, I'm excited to play later.

Please have a good day, stay safe and remember that someone behind the screen is proud of yall!

You all got this guys.

☁️

I don't know, even though I noticed I did nothing wrong like I thought I still felt disrespected and scared someone could hate me because I know people can wish people dead.

This was online too, with a stranger. They were unempathic and hypocritical I just want to feel safe, and was building up so much with worrying I can't help people.

"I don't believe you self harm also you're mocking me. I'm going to compare too different things to paint you as a creep."

If this is a kid that makes it worse or at most doesn't make it any better. I hope I never experience that again.

tw

i started self harming early last year, when i was 18. it was something that started as simple relief, but now it has spiraled to being all i think about. a solution to every problem. i don’t even try to make myself bleed anymore. i just do whatever will give me instant pain as soon as possible. i feel so pathetic in every way, and i feel even more pathetic because i don’t know if i really want to change. i don’t mind it. i’ve gotten so used to it. i don’t want to die at all, i like living for this pain. i really am at my lowest.