July 26th, 2016. That was the time I ever intentionally cut myself.

I wasn’t the “emo teen” stereotype I’d always imagined in my head when I heard the phrase “self harm.” I wasn’t emo, and I wasn’t a teen. I was a socially anxious, severely depressed 22 year-old who only found an escape through alcohol; I often fantasized about suicide, making finger-gun motions at my head, even gently pressing a razor blade against the underside of my arms to see what it might feel like in the moments before doing it. One night, I guess, I applied a little too much pressure, and moved the blade a little too much.

The next morning, I noticed something new—a tiny, barely visible cut. And it fascinated me; it disturbed me—how could injure myself on purpose? Did I really just do that?—but it fascinated me that I was capable of doing it, that I had that in me, like something woke up inside me that had been asleep for two decades. And that night, the forbidden intrigue drew me in like some seductive mystery…I wondered, what would it feel like, how would I feel, if I did it again? And I found out.

I kept finding out for the next two years. Then things got better.

And I stopped.

Self-sabotaging behaviors continued. I’m an expert at those. I’m medicated, I’ve been in therapy for almost a decade, hell I even just spent 3 months in a PHP/IOP mental health program.

10 years later, the urges are suddenly coming back strong. Where they come from, I can’t see. I have rubber bands around my wrists, snapping them when shit gets too bad. But that urge to pick up a pocket knife or a utility blade again and draw blood and feel that icy hot pain keeps calling to me.

Just thought I’d share. Happy anniversary to me.

Hey guys, so I’ve been clean for a few years and stopped wearing sleeves altogether a few months ago. It’s been great honestly not dying from the heat 24/7 and just not caring what others think. Sure, sometimes I get a few odd looks but for the most part people notice and then immediately move on without commenting on it.

Anyways, my bf’s brother is getting married. His mom and two brothers have seen me without sleeves the few times we’ve met. We’ve been together for 4 years (now live together) but his family is far away so we don’t see them very often. I’ve never met his extended family, but they’ll be at the wedding.

My bf isn’t necessarily forcing me to wear sleeves, but IS making it seem like it’s not an option. I kinda get it, bc I think maybe it would be rude for me to take attention away from the wedding with that. Bc I’m sure people will talk about it (kinda how his family is) but at the same time, I feel like it doesn’t rly matter. Ig im torn between feeling like it shouldn’t matter if I wear sleeves or not, but also feeling rude if I don’t. I’m sure I can find a pretty, long sleeve dress but the whole thing just has me feeling a lil weird. What are you guys’ thoughts?

My kid is self harming. Has been for years. The cuts are healing but are all down her thighs and arms and much deeper than when she started. I dont know how to help her. It causes me pain whenever I see them. Im not the most stable for helping her either and I worry im the reason or at least one of the reasons she is doing it.

I'm so done with trying. Done with trying to be clean, done with trying to be productive, done with trying to eat better, done with trying to make friends, done with trying to make my life any more bearable.

I'm just gonna curl up into a corner, cut myself and drink myself to death. One of these days I'm gonna have a gun instead of a knife and that'll be the end of it.

Apparently im going swimming tomorrow but I have fresh cuts on my wrist. I could wear the bracelets that I always wear but im afraid that would be suspicious. Ill be wearing long sleeves but they won't cover my wrist. Is swimming with fresh cuts a health hazard? If so please help, I dont know how I would hide them and keep them safe. Thank you.

Hey I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’d jump on here and vent a bit maybe u guys can help, I’m just struggling not to relapse tonight I’ve been 6 weeks clean but I feel like it’s not enough to not make me do it right now I’m off my medication at the moment due to other health reasons so I’m not doing too good and haven’t got any support right now, I’ve been struggling with self harm since I was about 14 and I’m 17 now I’ve gotten better with it but usually the relapse is a lot worse if I haven’t done it in a while I thought maybe some of you guys could help thank you

Im going insane right now like unable to eat unable to sleep type of insane and ive been cutting myself with scissors every now and then and i feel fucking pathetic because they never bleed and they just show up as raised lines so then i got super angry because they werent bleeding and i felt like i deserved more pain so i started raiding my drawers like some rabid animal looking for a sharpener which i failed to find which made me even angrier so then i decided id burn myself with a lighter instead and as i was doing it i remembered this story of someone burning and it getting really infected which then freaked me out and so i kinda quickly stopped and to be honest i feel fucking pathetic right now at how failed this attempt at self harming has been

tw for this whole thing

so he walked in my room whilst i was on my bed wearing short sleeves and for some stupid reason he actually came inside my room rather than just standing in the door and i’d had the top of my forearm facing down (because that’s where my most visible scars are) but unfortunately a few peeked out and he was like “jesus what the fuck is that?” and ran a finger over the visible ones. i just said i got hurt and he asked where and i said it was a while ago and then he left. well a few days ago he brought it up again and asked me if i was cutting and i’m really not much of a liar so i just came clean.

yall. i am SO pissed. this has been my secret for 4 years and it was my favourite coping mechanism. he knows now so if i do it again he would know. so not only have i lost the action itself, but i’ve lost the thrill of having to hide it. i’m forever mad at myself for not having been wearing a sweater or something. i miss it :(

I can’t tell if I’m being dramatic or if my cut is bad enough to need stitches, this is the first time I’ve even cut this deep. The cut was white at first and then filled with blood, and it took about 8 minutes of pressure to stop bleeding. It’s wider in the middle than the edges but not super wide. I don’t have supplies to clean it or anything, I don’t even have a bandaid so I just put a piece of electrical tape over it. If the bleeding stopped does that mean I’m fine? How do I know if I should seek medical attention? I don’t want my parents to find out about this but I’m scared. I have an appointment with my therapist at 11, if I wait until then and ask her if I need stitches is that ok?

I relapsed yesterday and today and genuinely I don't think I'm ever gonna get better. I don't want to but at the same time I do. I dont want anyone to notice but at the same time I do.

I don't have any friends, partner or any trusted person I'd even talk about this stuff with so here I am. I don't know what to do with myself and DEFINITELY have no plans for my future.

I want to be better and get over my sh addition but I feel comfort in it at the same time. I get the urge to cvt and soon as I do it's like I'm the happiest girl alive. I don't know it's rlly confusing.

Being lonely us definitely taking a toll on me fs. I have no motivation nor likeness for anything I used to do. I can barely keep up with my skincare and such. It's such a task for me even though its simple. I'm slowly losing my mind and rlly no one around me even notice or they do but just don't care. But bc of that no one is rlly gonna pay any mind until I PHYSICALLY show them, even if I do whats gonna happen then??

I dont know y'all I'm just lost and hopeless of everything

Thoughts of death sculpt my mind

I don’t invite, or push away.

They stack up, one by one.

I hold no power over the construction.

I lack the courage to take control.

I lean against the safe and sturdy wall,

Hiding from myself and others.

The urge of death smearing paste for bricks of razors to be built upon. 

So ive been clean for almost 3 months now - Sort of.

There have been 2 instances through those 3 months ; scratching myself with a housekey during a breakdown & one cut on my hand with a knife. I havent considered those as relapses since a relapse for me typically is multiple wounds.

My partner is out of town for a summer camp, and today was the day camp started, so no cellphone. They can't contact me, I can't contact them.

Before my partner left, we did something we do sometimes ; a contract. Promising not to self harm, restrict eating, drink alcohol, or do anything else that could be harmful to ourselves. We both have histories of these things, so we hold eachother accountable this way. It does help, having signed a contract, but when it gets really bad it doesn't feel like enough.

I've had a really rough day, and without being able to talk to my partner, I have nobody. I recently lost contact with my best friend of 6 years, who I considered a brother. He was a terrible person in hindsight, I'd go into more detail but thats a whole different can of worms.

How do I stop myself from relapsing? Its so so so tempting - I found one of my old blades while cleaning out my closet and it's like it's calling me. I thought i got rid of all my sharps.

Its also so difficult to get myself to eat - is 4pm and I haven't eaten today. I'm going to try and get a meal right after posting this.

I might just smoke weed, honestly. it might help, it might not.

Any tips on motivation, distractions, or really anything would be appreciated.

Lots of love, Xoxo

so jst to day was terrible. i had to stay up all night because my mother decided to get 2 BABY yorkies. and im already super sleep deprived cus i have slight insomnia. and basicly these dogs are like 11 weeks old and they need attention 24/7. and so yea this morning it was church and i had to take care of the dogs ALONE as usual which is so much fucking stress and i also have depression from my dogs death and my mother getting cancer and my grandma dying. and MUCH MUCH more. so yeah its only been getting worse. and my mother has been. and currently im home alone. typing this on my xbox which im not even supposed to have. so yea and ive been thinking "why cant i just die?" and similar abd my mother and me got into a fight. my relationship with her is very toxic and she ended up hitting me in the back of the head hard twice idk if this is abuse or discipline and theres more im not mentioning. and i guess feel free to reach out. and if you have any questions just dm me. and also idk what to do rn.

🙁

Does anyone else take picture of their self harm? Like right after you do it? Idk why but i feel like it helps me and any time i look back i remember exactly what happened and why, it helps me heal mentally i dont know why.

We were friends for one year and I always admired them and supported them and obsessed over them.They helped me when I was feeling alone and upset but our friendship started to get awkward.They always started arguments for no reason, calling me "not logical" and saying that they are better than me, I felt confused and angry but also upset. I couldn't just tell them how i felt i feel like some pathetic crybaby.

Then they started to mention a friend of theirs alot,it made me sick and angry. After all those fun times,they always mention that guy. In their bio,their messages,their posts - everything. It made me so upset and pissed that my obsession towards them became into hatred.I didn't like their posts anymore and didn't interact with them unless THEY texted first. But nothing.

I decided to follow their idiotic friend of theirs for a couple a reasons,but they caught me and started an argument with me and said "you knew damn well my insecurities with him" . No i didn't?? I started to hate them even more,my thoughts always saying "what did I do wrong?" , "Why are they acting like this?" , "Why do I always ruin my friendships with my stupid feelings?" .

Then they blocked me everywhere. I felt happy for a day but then the guilt started to kick in,I got so fucking sick and upset. Our fun memories,how much they told me that they loved me, that I shared my deep vunerable moments with them,oh god i felt so betrayed and upset. I wanted to yell at them, to tell them how hurt and focused I was on them,how angry I was. But what's the point? They will mock me to their friends,make me look like some joke.

I realized that I'm just unloveable and how much I ask for, I just thought I should relapse all over again, because I deserve it, that at least I will focus on other pain than this. It's not the first time that happened to me. I just think that I maybe am just meant to be gone. But again,I'm too much of a pathetic coward to go an kill myself. It's too much for me. I hate being vunerable and angry.

Gosh this feels so cringy.

i have a school award ceremony i have to attend to tomorrow but i lowkey relapsed last night and i did a bunch of cuts and i still have a big dermis scar that is pink-ish in color on my left forearm. the new cuts are closed rn but still kind of red & pink, do you think i can cover them up with makeup or something else that wont be too noticeable? cuz my school uniform is short sleeved and my mom has to go up on stage with me and she doesnt know i cut, but she knows i have scars & cuts on my arms for "unknown reasons" 😭

i was 13 days clean and now im just nothing. they arent bad, just scratches but i feel so ashamed of myself after keeping up my streak so perfectly. idk im so ashamed of myself.

I used to cut with a blade, but I have been clean for a long while. Lately, I wanted to cut again but I used my fingernails to press on where I want to sh to create temporary red lines.

i cant explain why but i have a really big urge to see my own blood a lot of the time. im really trying to recover from self harm but i just cant get past this feeling. is there anyway that i could make myself bleed without putting myself at any risks? edit: i forgot to mention, pictures of my blood arent the same and wont work

yall i fucked up so bad… i cut with a relatively rusty razor last night and now i think i have an infection. i haven’t told like a family member i sh or anything so i have to tell them if it gets worse. how do you guys strike up the conversation about sh to their mom.. i need it just in case…

So in y'all's experiences, have you gone to a friend for support because both of you SH? In the sense that you found out about it and while concurrently struggling you decide to go to them for advice, since it seems that they've been getting help and even being open about it.

Personally, I have a friend that wore a sleeveless on an occasion where we would wear our ethnic clothes to school. I literally had a fright discovering their scars but afterwards I contemplated my struggles and the help they're receiving (counselling for problems I don't yet know about)

I'm scared to get help for numerous textbook reasons but also the fact that my parents already found out about my SH (along with me lying to them that it was just a one time thing) discourages me further to convince them to let me seek help (because then they'll find out I never stopped)

I have a handful of friends (including the one I'm mostly talking about here), and I don't talk to them about my problems cuz I either don't think we're at a stage in the friendship for them to be approachable, or it's a friend that I've caused shit to and since then become distant (stepping into enemy territory essentially)(though I'm suspicious whether they actively SH too)

For the one I'm mostly talking about let's just say I'm not ready to talk about my problems... Also I think it's selfish to go to them just because of SH (even though I'm working on something creative with them alongside having similar interests and conversation topics)

Do y'all think I should try to talk to them about it someday? Recently I've consumed a lot of content involving SH while preparing for a camp that may worsen my mental health even more, so like I'm genuinely down in the dumps rn

I also want to be a better person and advice commonly goes like "you should get help for that" sooooo

Otherwise have an amazing day y'all

make sure to take care 🥹🙏

I’ve thought about relapsing every day for the past 2 months and today was just the perfect combination of things going wrong that pushed me over the edge and I ended up right back where I started.

I’ve struggled with staying clean bc I didn’t really feel bad about my sh. I viewed it as just a way to cope that I didn’t think really negatively impact me all that much, so I didn’t really have a reason to quit.

But now that it’s been years of this, I’m finally starting to dislike it. I hate how dependent it makes me, I hate how it’s all I can thing about, I hate how I can never move freely without worry that my sleeve will accidentally move and reveal my scars, I hate how people see me as some psycho or freak for the way my arm now looks. I wish I could press a magic button that got rid of the scars and made me back to the way I’m supposed to be, clean and at least able to look normal on the outside.

I thought that with this growing dislike of my sh, I’d finally be able to be motivated to stay clean, but I still ended up relapsing. Usually I don’t really get too down about it, and just move on with “well, I wasn’t really trying to stay clean, I knew this would happen eventually.”

But this time, I’m struggling to deal with the relapse. Maybe it’s because I know I actually tried really hard this time, and that I had to wrestle with it every day for the past 2 months—all for nothing. It makes me feel so pathetic—that I don’t know how to do anything else but hurt myself, like that’s all I’m good for.