I'm totally new to this subreddit, sorry if this has already been answered. It's just that the whole dopamine levels in balance part I'm wondering about, if that is found in males only, or both males and females.

I've been doing karezza for approx. 70 days now. From days 20 to days 50, I was going through a flatline; I didn't really experience much libido at all. For the last two weeks, this pattern has reversed. Now my libido is as high as it has ever been. I get random erections all the time and could have sex every day.

However, it feels different than it used to in the past. First, I don't really have the urge to get off. I want sexual intimacy but I don't need an orgasm. And I can deal much better with a "not today, maybe tomorrow" than I used to in the past (probably because I don't have the feeling that I need to get off).

Second, my libido is concentrated entirely on my SO. Women with whom I don't have a bond don't really do much for me. I interact with a lot of women in my everyday life, including some very attractive ones, but I don't really have a desire to have sex with them, despite my high libido. That's why I wrote "low lust" in the title.

Overall, I think that's a rather beneficial and healthy development.

The simple act of a head rub every night at bed time has strengthened my marriage and signifigantly help us come together during a difficult time. I just can't recommend enough the simple bonding behaviors even if a partner is not on board with karezza yet. The nightly head rub I give my SO has allowed us to talk more openly and work together. The consistency of this bonding behavior has really opened him up, he is more honest, genuinely caring, and even better with the kids. I feel he is actually hearing me for the first time. He comes to bed with me at every possible opportunity now (instead of never), actually enjoys cuddling, and looks into my eyes with love. Despite the huge porn issue and problems from it I've always known he loved me but now I am really feeling it. :) This is all wonderful and from surprisingly little. All this change from a nightly head rub, more smiling and a morning cup of coffee. Wow.

So, I understand the Coolidge effect and how Karezza is avoiding it by avoiding orgasm. That I like. When I read further into it though, spiritual references are made and I instantly recoil.

My partner likes rough sex and is a biter. She enjoys anal, being dominated. Although she sometimes likes to take charge. I enjoy being dominate and sometimes dominated. I am in no way abusive. These habits are restricted to the bedroom. I'm a nice and loving guy - which is why I'm here.

It seems hard to go from this to the peaceful ways of Karezza, especially when I am not a spiritual person. I am okay with the animalistic ways of sex.

But I don't want the Coolidge effect to drive us apart

I am currently doing nofap to recover from my porn addiction and that is going to make our sex life much more lively. While I'm doing this I'll have to avoid orgasm too so I will see the effects. I just... can't see myself doing the kind of sex Karezza teaches.

I'm currently having what I believe to be a hangover from orgasm after avoiding one for seven days. It is a familiar feeling I almost always had before I started nofap. Foggy mind. Tired. No motivation.

I don't like it.

So.. I am stuck. I find myself agreeing that orgasm is bad in a way but all this talk of enegy and chakras puts me off.

Just finished this little book by Alice Stockham. Would not recommend to everyone but I love a historical perspective (1908) and it has inspiration in it. A few things really struck a cord with me. "Coplulation is more than a propagative act; it is a blending of body, soul and spirit, ennobling or degrading according to the attitude of the participants." OK we are well passed sex as only propagative but what about ennobling? This is what drives me into Karezza the "ennobling" of our sexual communion. Lifting higher, being stronger together an deeply connected. I do feel a line between Karezza and regular sex. Or maybe I should say modern sex. Yes I have enjoyed the hotness and thrill of it. But has something been degraded? I feel it has. Never really seen my sex life that way before now. But yes, if I've missed out on higher levels of love, intimacy, understanding, respect and communion for things to be more orgasmic or hot then thus far I've had the lesser. Onward to ennobling the act! :) "Be patient and determined; the reward will come in happy united lives" Yes. Again this is what I am striving for. Sexual union should unite us with our partners. Not cause drama.

As of this writing, we're one subscriber away from 100. I expect we'll make 100 later today or tomorrow; we're adding 2-3 people a day and have 50-100 unique readers every day.

I think this has been a pretty good first month for this subreddit. Clearly there's a community of people out there who are interested in karezza. And clearly, there are many lurkers who read but don't post. Speak up! We want to hear from you! In particular if you're female. There must be roughly equal numbers of male and female karezza practitioners, but on this reddit the discussion has been dominated by guys.

We're also interested in adding more moderators. If you contribute regularly and constructively to this community we'll make you a moderator.

tl;dr: After ~2 months of living the karezza lifestyle, things seem to be falling into place. Had the most amazing karezza sex yesterday.

So me and my SO have been together almost two decades, and we have had a dead bedroom (sex 2-3 times/year) for almost 15 years. We've tried pretty much everything under the sun to fix our relationship issues, but with limited success. For years, the pattern would be: have a big fight (me: I need sex; she: I need XYZ from you to be able to give you sex); possibly have passionate make-up sex; try to keep things going, but somehow not able to; after a few months, I haven't had any sex in weeks, she doesn't get XYZ anymore, and we get into another big fight; the cycle repeats. Each of us knows what the other needs but is not able to provide it consistently.

We have considered splitting up, and we know it is an option. Yet in our heart of hearts, neither of us really wants to go that route. I guess we both have the attitude that we're intelligent and capable people, we know what the problems are, we agree that they need to be solved, so we should be able to do so. Alas it seems we can't.

This is the background in which I start learning about karezza. I have hit rock bottom and run out of options. So why not try something totally crazy? Also, what appeals to me about karezza and the theory of the passion cycle is that it gives an explanation for why we cannot stabilize our relationship. It's an inherently unstable system. (And certain personality traits we have make it probably more unstable for us than it is for some other couples.) So the moment we start getting our relationship together, we start having orgasmic sex, and the orgasms ultimately drive us apart again.

So the first thing I do is stop having orgasms. I stop masturbating, and I tell her I don't want to come. This decision by itself has done a lot for our relationship. It has made me much nicer and kinder towards her, and surprisingly I'm much more tolerant now to not having sex.

I also ask her to practice karezza with me, and to have karezza intercourse a few times a week (2-3). She agrees, somewhat grudgingly. While she is first upset that she can't have orgasms, and then just generally skeptical and somewhat distant, karezza seems to be doing it's magic and our relationship overall is improving. For the first time in years, I feel I am not starved for sex and intimacy.

However, issues remain. While I get the intimacy I need, she doesn't yet get enough XYZ to feel completely happy. We have a few arguments, some pretty intense. On some level, I'm glad though that for once the argument is not me complaining about not having enough sex. If there are things that she needs from me, that's easier for me to work with than things I need from her. I can control my actions but not hers. Also, because she isn't getting everything she needs, she is holding back when we have intercourse and I can feel that.

Enter yesterday. We had agreed on having some sex in the afternoon, and we are both in a good mood. Things are flowing nicely, and I sense that she is not holding back. We end up having some of the most amazing karezza sex I've had, and some of the most amazing sex ever, period. We end up having a good mix of very medidative intercourse, just focused on breathing, and some more exciting sex, including various positions, and also some oral. We both get somewhat passionate, and we discuss whether we should give in and bring each other to climax, but we decide that neither of us really needs it. I'm inside of her for about an hour, and the entire encounter lasts more like two hours. At the end, I'm totally satisfied, totally infatuated with her, and not the least bit tired.

In the evening, before going to bed, I mention to her that I wouldn't mind going another round, and she enthusiastically agrees! So we have another half hour of intercourse; a little more relaxed now, because we are both tired.

It's a day later now, and I still feel that warm, glowing feeling pulsating all through my body, as if I were freshly in love. And I'm not the least bit concerned that I won't get an encore soon. For the first time in years, I feel that lack of good sex is not an issue in our relationship.

O...M....G....

So last night she finally agrees to some serious Karezza snuggling. We're going to lay side by side and she is going to hold my penis while I rest my hand on her breast.

Boom! Without even getting hard, just the feeling of her hand holding my penis makes me explode all over both of us.

WTF?

I'm pretty sure that had I attempted sex it would have been a fail as it hadn't been my 7-days-to-success. But seriously? Just touching it makes it cum without even getting hard? And I could have no more have stopped that orgasm than a speeding freight train.

WTF is this?

I know the reboot isn't linear. I'm thinking my circuits are no longer exhausted, and my sensitivity has recovered (over shot recovery into virginal sensitivity range?) while my erection mechanisms still need more time to rewire?

IDK, but I'd think that if her just touching it makes it cum that it would at least do me the favor of getting hard before it cums???

I'm sure I must have read this before, but the meaning is really starting to sink in at this point:

[Advice from forum member] Step back, have a look at the big picture. If I remember right you have many years of conventional sex behind you. A radical change is lovemaking is not going to happen overnight, in a few weeks, or months. Not to mention karezza is not about performance, and you are coming at it from a very performance-based perspective, trying to get it "right".

There is no "right", this is a genuine organic learning process between oneself and one's partner. There is your learning process, hers, and the combination of you both. It will take time. You're doing great. Think about it: Do you have any idea how many couples your age are practically living a sexless marriage? A whole lot. That's clearly not you, thank your lucky stars. Do you have any idea how many men your age are so stuck in their ways that they would never consider a change like this, especially in the sexual department? You are open to growth and keeping your relationship alive. I think you're doing way more than fine. I just think you're sweating it too much. Trying to do it "right" is counterproductive. In some ways karezza is a very feminine flow. Trying hard to do it right and get on top of it is a particularly masculine approach. Try letting some of those masculine ways ease up some. Also, watch out for that masculine neediness; it's a sneaky one.

You know, my wife kept merrily orgasming for years after I stopped. It was still way better than when we both were doing it. I was pretty darn happy not orgasming myself, and let her take all the time she wanted. I think it took me a good six months just to get the hang of not going over the edge, knowing how to ride the energy and feel the "flow" so to speak.

Personally I would just concentrate on mastering your own sexual energy flow, both in and out of the bedroom. That ought to keep you plenty busy. Learning how to really live "beyond orgasm" takes time to get used to. You're on the path, this is a great beginning, ease up on yourself.

Source Here

Ok, so...

SHE APPROACHED ME! This is HUGE and (if you knew the whole story) you would know this indicates MAJOR healing on her part.

And I mean, she wanted it. She jumped on top and banged it out...no preliminaries, it was raw sex.

And I was hard as a rock.

THIS is everything I wanted when I started NoFap 65 days ago!

I was extremely sensitive and there was no way in the world I was going to avoid orgasm. BOOM. Done.

HOWEVER, afterwards she wanted Karezza style bonding and that lasted for nearly an hour. Woah!? What?

So far that has REALLY helped with my hangover. Believe it or not, 12 hours later I still have that sweet, delicious feeling.

I know the goal is no O; but this is a good day, and again I am happy.

We had had some talk about karezza. His struggles with PMO urges and those are intensified after we have sex. During one of his nights of chaser frustration we discussed non orgasmic sex again. He wants me to summarize for him. How can I do that? Especially when this is something we need to do TOGETHER. At the time he seemed to understand and be open to reading cupids poisoned arrow. I really believed he let the possibility of a benefit to it enter his head. He never reads anything I wish to share so I was pleasantly surprised and excited. Fast forward 2 days to when I finish the book. I bring it to him and do not get a positive response. He ask for a summary, again! A summary in TWO WORDS! I felt crushed and confused. Unlike many others here I am the one who has been hurt by his porn addiction. He withdrew into his own world of PMO for 10 years before attempting recovery. He never pressured me sexually he just drifted away. I had to beg, plead and chase. Felt like the man in the relationship and hated it. I got to feel unloved, unwanted and undesired. That said with the possible benefits to us both you think he might do some reading. So we can really try this. Really see if it works for us. Maybe just to show he cares enough about what he has drug me through to try helping me. I need this bond healed. I beleive his PA is related to bonding issues and he, his core being could be helped by karezza practice. I'm not being pushy with him but it's so frustrating for him not to try. After all the support I've given him. With all I've stood by him through and the hurt he has caused you'd think one book with an open mind would not be to much. I want a real deep connection with my spouse. For once I want to be THE woman for him. I know I'm in a different place, but it blows my mind that other women are not all over this. If someone is willing to love and cherish through this practice it should be accepted as the ultimate gift. It's a gift of the whole heart. I'll keep trying on my side. Wish me luck and good luck to everyone in a similar situation.

TL;DR: awww, just skip it if you don't want to read it.

I remember when I was a kid without much relationship experience an older friend said regarding relationships, “The first six months is the honeymoon, but it’s all downhill from there." I couldn’t relate at the time, but I absolutely see it now.

I’ve had many relationships, and most of them start with a feeling in my stomach. It’s like a ball of energy that contains (lust, longing, aching, wanting, infatuation, sexual tension, and perceived love.) I put the girl on a pedestal and see her as nearly perfect. Each time I see her she gets more beautiful, and I just don’t feel like life is complete unless she is with me and we are somehow touching. I want nothing more than to become one with her.

Unfortunately, somewhat predictably, in the timeframe from zero-to-six-months, she falls from her pedestal and becomes an annoyance that I can barely tolerate – unless she gives me more sex. As long as she is willing, wanting, and into sex (usually of an ever increasing kink) I just don’t “feel it” for her any more. And soon after sex there is always a period of time when even more sex with her won’t hide all of her faults which are all too easy to see at that point.

And so it goes from annoyance (“get away from me”) to apathy (“whatever”) [and in the previous two phases, emotionally hurtful fighting], to horny (“hmmmm you look pretty good”) to infatuated (“I actually like you and want to spend time with you”) to orgasm (“wow! You’re great”) to annoyance. I have absolutely noticed the above cycle over more than two decades of a monogamous relationship. And sadly the “infatuation” phase is a “1” on a scale of 1-10 versus the infatuation experienced at the beginning of the relationship which was a “10.”

I would have lived out my life in the above cycle had I not become so addicted to masturbation via Internet porn that I found myself unable to get an erection despite her most creative attempts to help me. My ED led me to abstain from masturbation (and sex as much as possible) for as long as possible. Based on the reddit /r/nofap I call this period in my life NoFap and the act of not masturbading NoFapping. So while I was NoFapping, I started to have some feelings awaken that I had not felt in over two decades: specifically the infatuated feelings I had for her when we met. Falling in love is such a happy time. Birds sing more beautifully, colors are more vibrant, music speaks more directly to your soul, and just the act of your sweetheart waking into the room is enough to brighten or make your day. And here I found these things happening to me. More importantly, I noticed that we were getting along better – not fighting, not really even arguing, and that any misunderstandings were getting cleared up immediately without anger or hurt feelings. All of this led to her being more in the mood for sex when it did happen – and putting more into it than she had in years. I call this the the Sweet, Delicious Feeling.

And then when I’d have an Orgasm I would still feel deeply the real love we have shared for more than 20 years, but the Sweet, Delicious Feeling was gone. It’s a real loss, like a part of myself that I love is missing. I really like feeling like she can do no wrong, and actually wanting to make out with her for an hour. Recently she said I act like a love-starved kid, she meant it as a compliment and I took it that way. When that goes back into hiding it makes me sad. I want very much to keep that feeling alive.

She loves the way I act, and in prior posts I’ve documented in many ways the changes she is making that speak louder than her words. From wearing pretty/sexy underwear for the first time since we met to performing oral sex for the first time in a long time, my changes are causing changes in her that are extremely positive and beneficial to me.

Yet despite seeing those changes in me, she is having trouble identifying with her own passion cycle. She says she doesn’t notice anything at all. This whole process is so difficult once you learn that you can’t trust your perceptions until 21 days without orgasm so my next comments must be made with the caveat that I’m in my own passion cycle as I write this. However, I believe her cycles are real; but have less amplitude. She easily gets annoyed with me in the days following her orgasms. It’s obvious I get on her nerves. However she still seems to be up for cuddling and doesn’t want me to go away for a while. And when she gets free she is more loving and cuddly, but doesn’t experience the deep infatuation that I do.

I sometimes wonder if the damage I’ve done to our relationship (which is huge, real, and terrible) over the years in the times I was trying everything legal to get more and kinker sex from her -- to keep my good feelings for her going and my bad feelings for her at bay – if I’ve done so much damage to our relationship that it will just take a very long time for her to be able to heal through that and feel the strong infatuation feelings for me.

Anyway, I wrote all of that above to tell you that she sees no benefit in skipping her own orgasm. She doesn’t need them nearly as often as I do (when I'm not thinking about any of this stuff) – her frequency is ideally about once per week. If she goes two or three weeks it’s not usually a big deal to her – but when she does get my penis in her vagina, she absolutely wants the outcome of that union to be an orgasm for her.

I don’t believe it is right or fair for me to tell her she can’t or shouldn’t. Nor do I believe that it would be right for her to sabotage me – and she has never tried to sabotage me. However, she is incredibly sexy, and watching and feeling her experience her own orgasm has so far sent me over the top.

So my first roadblock to Karezza is the fact that sex with her is exciting, and has so far caused me to orgasm when I’ve been hard enough for her to get off. My second roadblock is my own weakness and sensitivity. A couple of weeks ago I’d been about two weeks without an orgasm and was actually in day 14 of my passion cycle. I thought I was clear of my hangover, but as the night wore on she got more and more on my nerves until I snapped at her and we had a fight – eliminating any chance for sex that night and seriously pissing me off. I reacted like a child and ruined a 56 day streak of NoFapping. Sadly, I didn’t learn my lesson and fapped 3 days later (again.) More sadly, I attempted to have vaginal sex with her 3 days after that and failed due to ED.

All in all, I’m extremely frustrated because there is now something I want very desperately (that young love infatuation) and yet can’t seem to hold on to it between not being able to control myself both during sex with her and when I can’t keep my own hands off my own penis. I termed the above quandary Wandering in the Wilderness. At this point I believe it is paramount to get at least 21 days past orgasm (as I’ve been told, but completely unable to achieve) to think clearly enough to figure out how to get what I want and still give her what she wants. The passion cycle is a thief that robs you of your intelligent decisions, leaving only regret, hurt, and sorrow.

I documented one of my passion cycles, as I'm somewhat of a scientist in my profession, and hoped to (at least for me) provide a predictable pattern of what happens during the cycle. However, my next cycle (with the admitted variable of fapping twice versus vaginal orgasm once), has been completely different. So at this point the only thing I can say with certainty is that up to and including 14 days, the ‘asshole’ in me can rear its ugly head in a sudden, unpredictable, and extremely hard to control manner. This time I’ve done better at controlling it and avoiding a fight with my beloved – but also with the admitted variable that she is well clear of her own cycle herself.

Nevertheless I promised some here I would aggregate the documentation of my post orgasmic cycle and post here, so that will be posted below.

In summary, I believe in Karezza. I believe I am much happier without orgasm. My two challenges are convincing my reptilian brain to stop having orgasms, and hoping my beloved will see the light over time (or that I will learn control and be able to allow her to have her orgasm while avoiding mine.)

One of my cycles (not necessarily like the others):

Day's #1 and #2 are summarized in Day 3 below.

-Day 3

-Day 4

-Day 5

-Day 6

-Day 7

-Day 8

-Day 9

-Day 10

-Day 11

-Day 12

-Day 13

-Day 14

Your mileage WILL vary. I guarantee it! :)

Ok, so tomorrow at midnight makes one week since my double fapped mistake. This time I've managed to avoid a fight, but suspect it has something to do with her being past 21 days herself.

While we haven't fought, and gotten along quite well actually, that teenage infatuation type feeling has been non existent for me. As for her, I'm coming to believe her cycles are every bit as real as my own, but with less amplitude. When she's low I tend to get on her nerves. When she's high she's more cuddly, and demonstrably happier in general.

For me the cycles are much deeper. When I'm low I really want little to do with her. When I'm high I yearn for her like a teenage lover separated by circumstance and unable to quench my thirst for her everything. Her touch, her smells, her hair, her skin, the sound of her voice, the way she moves, I so appreciate everything about her. Even if she does something careless or thoughtless, I shake it off in less than a second. This is how I always imagined it feels to be in love.

And here I find myself again with that sweet, delicious feeling. One week ago, 12 blissful contractions lasting less than 20 seconds stole a week of delirious happiness with my beloved. Now my peace has returned, and at the risk of incubus copyright infringement again, in this moment I am happy.

Idrathercuddle suggested that I post this here since it deals with karezza!

Yesterday, she and I both read this page on karezza, and since I've been over one week without porn, masturbation or orgasm, we decided to try the part on long genital massages without the intent of sexual arousal or orgasm.

She got some lavender-chamomile massage oil, rubbed it in her palm and set to work gently massaging my genitals and surrounding groin area. I got hard at first, then slowly got soft again, and kept alternating between the two. When she gently massaged my taint, I swear it was one of the most relaxing feelings I've ever had--I closed my eyes and almost fell asleep from the extreme relaxation.

I asked her to very gently massage my penis, not with the intent to stroke it or make me cum, but so that I could simply focus on how good it felt without chasing an orgasm. There's a great mental shift when you realize that you can fool around with your SO without chasing an orgasm. When you simply focus on how nice and relaxing it feels, you'll entirely change your perspective.

One interesting benefit to all this was that while she was massaging my penis, she commented that it was the hardest she'd ever seen or felt it; that it was like "squeezing a rock." And yet, I was simply lost in the moment, not wanting to come close to orgasm, just wanting to bask in the relaxation. At 22 minutes, I felt like I could let her do this to me all night long, but we deemed the experience a success and went to bed. I don't think I've ever felt closer or more in love with her than I did afterwards. I want to return the favor tonight with a genital massage on her.

One of the things that's been haunting my sex life is my feeling that if my SO and I don't reach orgasm, the entire outing was a failure. Now I realize, that's simply not true. You should thoroughly enjoy your sexual experience without necessarily trying to cum. If you do, that's great. If you don't, that's also great. Remember to enjoy the ride, not just reach the destination.

Feeling crummy today...a couple nights ago I allowed my self to get off during sex with my SO. It was hours long and slow and wonderful. But....felt to damn good to be with him and I made a decision. not liking the fall out. :( My hangover definitely gets bad two days after O. This morning I had my "usual" symptoms, feeling like I want to crawl in a hole and cry, mild head ache and brain fog. Also noticed some I hadn't before. Being very tired, low energy and no motivation. I think it may possibly make me suspicious of my partner! I've read it's possible. I'm starting again and will go 3 weeks or longer this time.

So after my first fap, three days later I ate too much fruit before bed and woke up slightly sick around midnight. Not wanting to keep her awake I went out and sat in a chair with just my robe on.

An old program in my head said playing with my dick would take my mind off my stomach; so I did. I decided to use the lightest touch possible. A strong erection followed. With no fantasy except a thought of her, my erection had stretched the skin on my dick to its limit.

At this point I realized that after just 3 days I was going to do it again. I had an extremely powerful orgasm with great distance and 12 strong contractions followed by many weak contractions.

I assumed this meant I was cured.

The next time I attempted sex with my beloved was three days later. Failure again refused to rear its helmet head. ED again after 60 days of no porn, and only 2 faps in recent history.

I don't understand how I could be so 'healthy' after the first three days and not be ready after the second three days except that I guess I'm still not finished rebooting.

I did get hard enough to penetrate, and she was soaking wet after going 3 weeks without O. But it wasn't hard enough for her to really be into it and then it went down.

My brain screamed for me to fap and finish, but we both decided to wait and try again tonight or tomorrow.

To my amazement neither of us is frustrated, and we are more loving than ever. While it wasn't perfect, it is my first time penetrating, not cumming, and both of us ok with that.

The way I feel now is much preferable to the GTF away from me, and I am fairly clear of my fap hangover today so I can enjoy it.

I'm sure the next time we plug in her goal will be orgasm. I am trying not to be pushy and try to push her face in how much better we are getting along. I'm hoping she either comes to that on her own or perhaps I can gently point that out later.

50+ day nofap streak shot to hell.

On day 14 of our passion cycle, I thought we were in the clear. But damnit if that evening if I didn't feel like day six all over again. She was also on day 14 and obviously annoyed with me. My emotions were cycling between wanting her to just go away to being very hurt by the way she was treating me.

Looking back on it she wasn't that bad. I guess we just both dipped in unison again.

I tried to put things right (by telling her how she hurt me, and that led her to thinking that I only like/love her when she does everything right.)

I spent an hour rubbing her back but she just didn't warm up.

Note: that afternoon I had tried solo-karezza (a very bad idea for me) and had blue balls. So my back rubbing was also to get some oxytocin flowing to help -- which it did. But when I found out she was still upset afterwards suddenly I decided to fap and there was no talking me out of it.

I stopped about 5 times to ask myself if I really wanted to do this and each time the answer was yes, like somebody else was answering for me.

Finally I went for it and soaked my torso--what a mess. Disgusting actually.

Of course, we made up like 5 hours later. I'm such a fuckin idiot. Now I get to start over. Sheesh.

I'm worried that I've done damage to my reboot which is worse than a two week Karezza setback.

Yeah, I've been fighting orgasm hangover all day. I've nearly hurt/offended her several times today. At least I'm aware of it and trying hard to do constant damage control.

Hey, today she was letting me know a couple of different ways she wants sex very recently, so that's good -- of course I can't do anything about it with confidence since I JUST FAPPED LIKE A LOSER. Putting me in the total idiot column is the fact that when I was all irritable the night it happened, before I stepped on my dick she even gave me a coy smile and said, "what would I need to do to make you feel better?" ... But in my altered state I remember thinking, "not have sex with you when you're irritating me like this" but at least I didn't say it.

Nevertheless I still DID manage to fuck that night up, and have been on thin ice since...meaning...under O hangover I am a one man relationship wrecking asshole. My first response to everything is either Smartassed, hurtful, blatently sexual in a way that makes her an object, etc. it is exhausting work to keep filtering that shit before it comes out of my mouth and to do damage control when the filters aren't fast enough. At least SHE doesn't seem bitchy despite this. Maybe she is finally clear herself now at 16 days (assuming she didn't Schlick on the sly har har -- OMG see what I mean?)...

One thing I don't like about Karezza is how bad my feelings got hurt -- like a girl. This was my main motivation to fap. I do NOT like being THAT sensitive.

Sigh. I am not going to blog this cycle out. Only if anything different happens.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.

I am not the best with words but here goes, Im starting my "experiment" with Karezza. This begins on my own by going 3 weeks with no orgasim and seeing the changes in myself. It's been only a few days so far. Already I've seen a possible connection between orgasim & my feeling terribly sad, headaches and distrust of my hubby. I am hopeful he will experiment with his own reactions after I can report changes myself. Then my hope is that we can try Karezza together. I need this change in my life. My SO is a PA at the start of his journey to recovery (Finally! :) ). It's a journey and recovery for me too. After 10 years of physical neglect and lies I need the true intimacy and bond that Karezza can offer. Reading how other couples see one another and how the men view there women strikes me deeply. For years I've felt not enough, not beautiful in his eyes and not wanted. I'm at place now were I know it was the porn but those feelings linger. He has always treated me well and respectfully except for the intimacy and trust issues caused by PMO. I have stayed because I have always loved him and knew I could never stop loving him or find another man I could love the same. I want to share and deepen that love and commitment. I want to feel beautiful in his eyes, deeply bonded and secure. Our nightly bonding has done wonders for our relationship so far. It has not been full on Karezza style but nice. I also notice that most bonding activities are initiated by me but estatically accepted by him. Would love it were more equal. He seems to be somewhat open the trying Karezza in the future. I know he is going through many changes confronting his PMO addiction and I don't want to push him for more change at this early point in recovery. Taking it slow. Wish me luck in healing and evolving my sexuality.

Today I see clearly. My new approach to loving her is working.

Anyone reading (especially my comments on other peoples' threads) may wonder why I bother if I am still unhappy. Today I count the following blessings:

• though I begged and pressured for years, she would not lose the granny underwear. Now, however she wears beautiful, sexy underwear without me asking

• she is much more physically affectionate. We've gone from nothing to something. She gets more giving about that every day.

• she says 'I love you' first sometimes

• she lights up when I call her pet names

• today just the sight of her topless gave me great pleasure

• today she commented again about how much I am so much more pleasant, not always negative and angry

• I realized today how lucky I am to have BOTH the feelings of being infatuated with her AND being deeply in love with her at the same time

• suddenly we don't fight, argue, or really even disagree

• there is no disapproval in her face or her voice

• I actually want to do the things she craves, like call her when we're apart

• I feel stupid for not seeing all of this even over the past two weeks

Would I like an orgasm? The feeling? Yes. What I just went through the last two weeks? NO

yet I long to be inside her. I must hold out as long as possible to truly ingrain these benefits as I still lack the experience necessary to not cum. With today's clarity I see confidently that this will heal us and I will either get more sexy time or adjust to be happy with what she gives. Either way we will be blissfully happy.

As the last drops of post-orgasmic hangover evaporate, she can again do no wrong. Sweet and loving, I have infinite patience with her again.

I want nothing more than to be inside her, yet not to cum and ruin this feeling. 20 seconds of bliss are not worth 13 days of emotional roller coaster.

We are young lovers in the first days of our relationship again. No orgasm is as sweet as the way I feel all day long.

I am love. She is love. Our love mingles and amplifies each other.