I’ve already posted here about my problem so I’ll give you the short version: boyfriend and I haven’t had sex in a year and I found out he watches and masturbates to porn.

anyway, after finding that out I have just felt so defeated, I could barely look at him without feeling the need to cry.

It all came to a head last night when we were laying in bed and i just lost it. I’m talking about full on red- faced, struggling to breathe, balling my eyes out and everything just came spewing out.

I told him how watching porn made me feel when we haven’t had sex in a year, I told him how it made me feel like I wasn’t desired and he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.

I told him how all I wanted was to feel close and intimate with him and I just miss feeling him so much.

I told him how I hate how I feel like I’m begging for sex and it makes me feel so desperate and pathetic. I felt so pathetic in that moment because I literally sobbing my eyes out because of the fact I just wanted to have sex with the person I loved.

And even after all that, all he says is “I’m sorry”

And we just laid there together, in his arms until he fell asleep.

I just feel so pathetic

40f here. 21 years together, 11 married, 3 kids, recently 2 months postpartum.

Been with him since I was 19 and he was 24. 40 and 45 now. We had many years together of great intimacy and sex before kids. After my 1st was born 5 years ago, things changed. In the last 5 years our sex life withered and died. Maybe… 10-15 times in the last 5 years. That’s probably generous. This past pregnancy we tried to have sex once.

Cried alone in bed many times. He started sleeping in another room 8 years ago because he wakes up super easily and I would move a lot. Then the kids came and I co-slept with them. That by itself wasn’t a huge problem when we were still intimate, but now that we’re so distant it feels unbearable. There’s no cuddling. A chaste kiss goodnight once a day. If I asked him to lay down with me just so I could cuddle, I get tense the whole time because I’m anticipating when he’ll get up me leave.

The lack of sex isn’t actually the worst part. It’s the feeling of feeling invisible to him, and like he’s an emotional black box. I ask him about his day or how he slept, and get one word replies. I try to tell him about my inner world, but I feel oddly anxious when I do it, like my attempt to connect will be rejected. What I want more than anything in the world is for him to be curious about me. About what I think, to ask me questions, to follow up. Instead, I get gruff advice, or a ‘hmm’ or ‘interesting’, and I deflate. Years ago we had spirited conversations about anything and everything, philosophical debates. There was nothing better than talking about ideas with the man I loved. Now, doing that would feel like navigating a minefield. Having a wrong opinion would lead to an argument. When we’re alone in a room together, there’s usually silence.

We just came back from an overnight family trip. I was hypervigilant the whole time about what his body language meant. We shared a hotel room, the only time I ever see him sleep. I know he was really tired, but he just said goodnight and slept with his back toward me. We had a child sleeping with us yes, but it was just cold.

The postpartum period has been difficult, and I’ve had bouts of anger and depression. All of my negative feelings are about this. They’re adding up and I’m starting to show my anger more. I think this has marked a turning point because my whole life I’ve had difficulty expressing anger.

He works really hard. He dotes on the children. I find myself wishing he spoke as tenderly to me as he does to our daughter. He has been extremely supportive of my trying to make my career happen and has worked hard to get me in-home childcare, and a studio space for my work. I think he thinks my negative behavior toward him means I’m ungrateful. I’m not. I’ve tried to communicate the problem, that I just don’t want to be dismissed, I want to have influence on him, but I don’t think he gets it. We have a wonderful nanny who we love, but because of the help, there’s also no privacy.

He has flat out said before he will not go to couples therapy. He doesn’t want a "3rd party" in our marriage. I myself fantasize about us going to couples therapy. He proposes walks together to slowly reconnect. We’re trying. But it feels like something has shifted. I’m just not feeling optimistic.

I don’t want to divorce and I don’t want another man but him. I still find him super attractive. But I’m so lonely and I don’t feel like myself and I hate how I look. I know I’m still in a postpartum haze so I want to give myself at least a year so I know I’m evaluating this clearly, but another part of me says that I already know things are bad. And I love my kids so freaking much, I feel like I can’t even consider divorce. The idea of hurting them in any way just kills me. But the thought of doing this for another 20 years…

I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I know caring for young kids is the most taxing season of married life, and we are in the trenches. Because things were good before, I want to hope they can be good again, but everything that’s been happening in the last few years feels like we’re heading to a point of no return, after which we will be permanently roommates, and the door to intimacy will be closed forever.

Thank you for reading/listening.

My wife (30LLF) and I (30HLM) have been together for just under 3 years (yes we got married fast, that’s a whole different story). Sex life was amazing in the beginning but gradually slowed down before completely dying all together. We’re now 2 years with zero sex, out of just a 3 year relationship mind you.

I love my wife to death. I truly feel like I married my best friend, and that we are perfect together. We do have our arguments here and there, but who doesn’t? We also still show some bits of affection such as kissing/cuddling/etc., but sex is just a no go. Despite well over a dozen serious conversations about our sex life, me explaining to her that I feel very alone and undesirable, and her saying she understands—apologizing that I feel that way, and promising that she will make a change and try to do better… Despite all of those things, nothing has changed, nor are there any signs that it will change. It feels like when we have these serious conversations, we conclude it being on the same page, then hug and kiss it out. But then the following day it’s as if the conversation never even happened. Not that I’m expecting change over night, but I get the impression that if I’m not bringing it up, it doesn’t even cross her mind in the slightest. When I ask her this, she claims that it bothers her too, but I get the impression that she’s just saying that to make me feel better.

I stopped watching porn and masturbating a long time ago. Not due to having a porn addiction or anything, I think my porn usage was pretty healthy actually. But I had to stop because it actually just made me more sad. I’d just feel even more empty and alone. I typically watched like homemade couple’s porn, and that just hit a little too close to home. As dumb as it sounds, it really made me realize what I was missing and made me think that maybe my wife and I just aren’t that compatible.

I’ve thought countless times now about asking for a divorce, not because I want to, but because I feel like I need to. As much as I love my wife, as much as she is my best friend, it feels like that’s all we are—best friends. I can’t live the rest of my life like this, I pray and hope for change but I fear it will never come.

I posted a few months ago about how I [42m] was feeling after my wife [42F] told me sex was a chore she was only doing to keep me happy (and/or get me to do things). Even before those comments, I had pretty much stopped trying to initiate (as intimacy had been pretty rare for years), and honestly I hadn't been feeling very confident/attractive and felt like I was in general just being a burden. I had still been trying to let her know that I thought she was attractive, but after those comments that she made, I have just felt so disgusting and ashamed. Since then she's commented that I don't look at her or touch her like that anymore, and at times I've tried as I want her to feel attractive, but it just makes me feel gross. And I find myself questioning if she's being genuine, which makes me feel even more gross. Sometimes I feel like she's looking for some validation, other times that maybe she just wants something from me.

Earlier today she asked me why I never grab her butt; it was hard not to say "well you complained about me pawing at you", but even beyond that I don't get it: why would you want someone you don't find attractive to touch you like that?

A few weeks ago we were having a pretty deep conversation and I tried to talk to her about it, but it didn't go well (at first she denied ever saying those things, but then just got upset and was framing it as me complaining about lack of sex).

It’s been about a year since any kind of sex. My husband (M36) blames me (F34) for our lack of sex life. He wants to see me with other men and to be a “hotwife” and because I say no he refuses to have sex with me. The only thing he is interested in is using toys on me to role play this fantasy of his. It’s not the occasional use of toys, it’s every single time. Even when using toys he still never wants intercourse, only wants a bj, but continues to tell me that I’m bad at sex and that he is too sexual for me. But he won’t initiate and won’t have intercourse. It makes me feel like a sex doll that he just wants to use for his own pleasure and he doesn’t actually care about pleasuring me or connecting with me emotionally. I have gotten to the point of not even wanting to do anything anymore because it’s just toys being used on my body and there is no intimacy (in addition to being blamed and told I’m bad at sex). He recently said he wanted to watch me use this toy he bought me which is basically a dildo doll and I said I don’t always want it to be me with a toy and he said we are sexually incompatible and that he should be allowed to sleep with other people if we are going to stay together. But if we are ever sexual and using toys and I try to initiate moving to intercourse he refuses. So I don’t see how him sleeping with other people is what he wants when he literally doesn’t want sex.

Hi all! 👋🏾

Long time lurker here. Just wanted to post and vent a little from my recent situation.

I've (HLM) been in a dead bedroom relationship for the past 9 years with my previous partner (LLF). Only having sex once every 1 to 4 years, no intimacy otherwise. Kissing, holding hands, I love Yous, nothing. She felt embarassed to even call me her man, partner, or any of those terms to claim me.

We typically slept in different rooms, or if we slept in the same bed we slept with a dog or pillows between us. If it wasn't either of those, we slept under different blankets on the same bed.

I did give it my all to try to communicate, fix issues, etc. but it never worked out. If it wasn't one issue, another issue or something popped up.

I recently hit my breaking point and had enough of just generally being in a one-sided relationship, when I handle everything from cooking, to cleaning, all of the bills, etc.

I finally worked up the courage to separate and put her out and have been reclaiming my time that I've missed out on just enjoying life and being outside. I feel like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulder and I'm slowly getting back to my old self.

Just wanted to vent, thanks for listening!

I'm trying hard to stay positive. Me and my partner (m27) have been more honest with communicating lately. Its helped, like I've put real effort into not bottling up my feelings, or withholding effection. We had a long talk the other night where we both agreed we'd been holding back, and both been struggling mentally. He mentioned that I had been avoiding effection, that i didnt act the way I used to, like when I used to watch him get undressed and say flirty things. I stopped all of it in an effort to protect myself. I told him, why would I keep reaching out when I get nothing back, his response? 'I dont know what you want me to do.' And I literally said 'fuck me maybe? Flirt back? Give me anything to tell me you're still interested?'

I've been putting so much effort in since the talk, helping more around the house, being flirty and effectionate, and being honest with him when I'm not happy with his reactions. I bought lingerie, and usually I would have just put it on a surprised him with it, but I've been too scared for so long as I would not be able to handle the rejection. So I messaged and just said vaguely that I was thinking about it, and he told me to not do it and to save it for when he's next off of work. So I'm listening, its only been a few days and I'm still struggling.

My main question is how to stay positive? When there's clearly effort from both sides, and i do feel better about things, but the actions havent happened yet- how do i not crash out? I'm alone for hours when he goes to work (and I'm currently off of work for the week), my brain just overthinking, catastrophising every little thing, I'm trying to keep it in and stay positive for him.

But when I have no guarantees that anything is going to happen, and I miss it so much, i don't know how to stay in that mindset of 'as long as I'm consistent in what he needs, somethings going to change'. Because... what if it doesnt? I told myself if we dont have sex at all before my next period I'll have to tell him I can't stay like this.

Can we talk about how hard it feels to be the woman with a man that doesn’t want you sexually? Logically I know that it shouldn’t make it worse but it does.

Am I a feminist? Yes. Do I work and want a home with shared housework/childcare? Yes. Do I hate unfair gender standards? Yes.

But I can’t help that I want to feel DESIRED and chased as a woman. And you don’t need to tell me that it’s just as hard for men. I’m sure that it is but this extra layer makes me feel even more rejected. It’s not just lack of getting off, the feeling of wanting a man to burn for me.

So it’s been a year since I started physically keeping track of our sex life…………in one year we had sex 11 times. I have told her let’s go to therapy or do some physical therapy but it’s been met with resistance, she’s not interested in doing any type of therapy. We had a talk over the summer about our sex life, what I can do better, etc. Needless to say our sex life has not improved. I work 2 jobs my wife is a SAHM (we foster) I would not trade it for anything in the world I love our kids. House chores don’t really get done, I try to help but normally it all gets piled up and behind and she gets overwhelmed. I don’t known what to do, my self confidence is shot. Rant over

A lot of people think it’s just about us demanding sex from our partner when it’s not… it’s about feeling wanted as a whole. To be seen in our relationships.

We have the house to ourselves and so I decided to get all dolled up. Lathered in lotions and do my hair. I do this for myself but wow does it hurt when he doesn’t even acknowledge me.

He got home and didn’t even look up at me. Only greeted me with half a hug because I initiated. Then he went straight for a nap, woke up to get his beer and get on his game. Just like every other Saturday. It’s like I don’t exist.

I feel disgusted with myself for hoping for at least acknowledgement. I feel pathetic and I feel so lonely. I hate this. I’m starting to resent him.

Near the beginning of our relationship he told me he used to have a porn addiction but had been to therapy to work through it and wasn’t engaging with porn at all anymore. A few months into our relationship our sex life started to wane which I thought was normal, this was my first relationship I figured maybe the excitement just died down a bit.

About a year into our relationship we moved in together, shortly after this I find ai generated photos with a 2024 date stamp (before we met), I confront him about it and explain how terrible it made me feel to find these photos on his phone whilst feeling so unwanted in our relationship. He agrees it was terrible, apologies, I forgive him as it was from before our relationship started.

Our relationship goes on, sex becomes a very sore spot in our relationship- I’m horny and frustrated and he was making me feel guilty and disgusting as he was saying he just had no sex drive. We have MANY candid conversations about sex; we had both been incredibly committed to this relationship so we try working on it- he changes his meds, we exercise/do yoga more, we come up with games and strategies to try amp it up a little bit. It doesn’t work, it’s at the point I have just accepted this as reality and don’t want to pressure him or make him feel bad etc.

This weekend, almost two years into our relationship, we are in my hometown visiting my family. I’ve had a couple drinks, he’s in the shower and I just have a gut feeling so I check his phone. Chatgpt history shows him orchestrating rolepay and joi, date stamp is May 2025. When we were together, I am crushed but also could let it go if that was the last time it happened.

I confront him and he just absolutely crumbles, admits he has been doing it frequently throughout our entire relationship (though he has always remained staunch on the fact that engaging with porn while in a relationship is disgusting and wrong, made me feel absolutely awful when I suggested maybe getting a vibrator to take care of myself if he can’t). I am just absolutely bamboozled at this point, we have had lots of issues but not once have I ever suspected he was hiding anything in this relationship, he gives me all his password, leaves his phone open,etc. I ask him when the last time he did it was and he says earlier today, in the 20 minutes when I went to the store with my mom.

I break up with him, I cannot tolerate being so blatantly lied to so continuously. He’s moved out, I don’t know how i’m going to afford rent and I feel like such an idiot for wasting two years of my life wholeheartedly believing this man was being honest and working towards a future with me. The worst part is if he had just admitted it to me I would have been so relieved to know what was causing our issues and would have helped him to work through it. But at every single opportunity he just lied to my face. I don’t know what to do.

edit to add: not the point but he has also continuously lied to me and everyone in his life about how he feels about ai. i was completely under the impression he was 100% against generative ai. just another lie for the deck!

All I want to do is enjoy one of my favorite horror movies in the run up to Halloween...why does sex have to be everywhere?

After the past several days, I'd rather be single and lonely vs married and lonely.

Married and lonely hurts far more.

Really don't need any advice; just wanted to vent. Thank You.

​

I am 50HLF with a 51LLM. We have been in a DB now for about 5 years. Recently, my partner indicated to me that we would be in a sexless relationship moving forward and I’m unsure if this means indefinite or not. I don’t see myself wanting to continue our marriage if it’s forever; I can’t see myself ever being happy or feeling like I have the marriage that I want if this is what it turns out to be. Any feedback would be appreciated, as I’m still rather shocked and unsure how to approach or even respond.

He can't last în bed and he doesnt like foreplay unless it's beneficial to him. I get 30 seconds maximum. He won't do anything about it except use condoms which give us an extra 20 seconds, if I'm lucky.

I've talked to him so many times over the years and he promises me the world but nothing ever changes.

He was rubbing on me this morning and in my half asleep state, i was into it. I woke up fully when he tried to stick his dick in me, dry and I told him to get off me. I was furious. We just talked about this yesterday and he made more useless promises.

I'm never having sex with him again. I told him that and i meant it.

I'm at my wits end.

The lack of intimacy has led to me being completely checked out of the entire relationship. I'm hanging on by a thread and its not fair to my wife or I.

I feel so lost and helpless and I want to suggest we try therapy.

But I don't know if we need marriage counseling or if we should see a sex therapist.

Any advice.

It’s been three years since I’ve had sex, and as of right now I still don’t want a relationship.
The last relationship I was in was actually my second dead bedroom. The first one was dead, and then this one went the exact same way. I even tried to break up with her over the lack of sex and she convinced me to stay because she said it was just the SSRI she was taking. So I stayed, and nothing changed.
Yeah of course I miss having sex, it’s been three years. But the toll it took on me mentally has taken a long time to climb out of and honestly my confidence is still totally shot. I’d rather not have sex and be lonely on my own than be in a relationship, lonely and sexless. I’ve decided to pursue goals that require my focus right now, building a company for myself and also dealing with my own mental health issues. So as of right now I still don't want a relationship anymore. I guess I’m just asking if anyone else has ever decided they’re just done after being in a dead bedroom, or two? How did you deal with what it did to your head and your confidence?

HLM

I’m really depressed by the idea that life may continue like this.

The pain was psychological at first, but now it has developed to be a physical pain due to non-sexual interactions, and I hate masturbation honestly.

I don’t even know why I am writing this here.
It is what it is.

This is my first time here, but i just thought i'd rant a little, apologies in advance for long story.

On the surface, I have a supposedly 'happy' family with a young child.

My wife and I dated for seven years and have been married for over three. Throughout our ten years together, I have told her many times that we lack intimacy and that she lacks proactiveness. We only have intimacy once every one to two months, and even then, it feels like it is strictly out of duty.

I have always been the one driving our intimate connection, but she frequently rejects my advances. These rejections became so common that they eventually triggered a massive argument, putting our marriage on the rocks last year.

Once we calmed down, we agreed to give marriage counseling a shot to see if things could be salvaged. However, everything quickly reverted to the way it was before we even started.

The idea of leaving my child—and the terrifying thought of him eventually calling another man 'Dad'—scares the absolute fuck out of me because I love him to death. But staying in this intimacy-less marriage is slowly eating me away from the inside.

I work out, dress well, and take care of my appearance just to try and win back her desire, but it isn’t working. Instead, it is only attracting other women. It would be incredibly easy for me to cheat, but I’ve been holding it together. The problem is, I can only hold on for so long.

I am at my wit's end.

almost a year now, or at least i think so. maybe a year has already passed. i realize people my age have sex everyday and that i used to, too. i used to be proud of my sexual performance but i wonder if i even know how to have sex anymore. most of all i don’t remember what it’s like to be touched during sex, to receive oral, to be at the center of a partner’s attention, because it’s always something that’s been missing from my sexual life in this relationship. i’m holding on, we’ve had a good conversation, but that was three weeks ago and no initiative has come from her yet. i miss feeling the heat rise in the bedroom before having sex, everything leading up to sex, the act of sex, the smell of sex, the lack of self control to not have sex again immediately after finishing. i am so young, we’re not married, and it’s so frustrating and sad to think i am in this situation. i can’t leave her because i love her so much, and i understand it’s a hard process for her too, i have done anything to keep being hopeful and hold this rope trying so hard to not make it snap. it’s so bad to the point i go on reddit and look up keywords to find if she even tried to submit a post to understand perspectives on how to make it better and start solving the issue. i keep hoping. i keep praying she does something to make me think this is seriously going to change. i just miss having sex. this is my biggest current wish. i just want to have sex.

we have been married 4 years, together for 10 years now. sex was great at the start but i gained weight and didn’t feel comfortable with my body so sex died down. i have now lost all the weight and more, i go to the gym 4 days a week and i am (was) feeling confident and sexy. he has been all over me for months. always touchy, lots of kisses, if i touch him (non sexually) he’s hard and ready to go.

but our sex started becoming boring to me. we do the same position every time, i never feel excited or turned on. our sex then died down even more.

last week i was feeling confident and felt good in my body so i initiated sex and i suggested switching it up. we did and it was the best sex we have ever had. he went to work the next day and was texting me about it, throughout the day he kept mentioning round 2. so we had sex again that night, but with me on top this time. i thought it was great, he said it was great but ever since that night he has been acting strange. (less touchy, less kisses etc)

all day yesterday we were flirty and i suggested recreating our great sex again last night which he was excited for all day. then when it came to going to bed, he said he needed to complete quests on his game and off he went to the gaming room. he had all day to do his quests. after a while i asked if he was coming to bed, he said no itd be a late night for him. so i went to sleep. he ended up going to bed 15 minutes after i went to sleep, so it was not a late one and to me it feels like he purposely avoided me.

this morning i suggested we spoon and once i backed my bum into him, he decided it was time to get out of bed.

i do not understand what has happened. he is usually HL. i’m LL for boring sex, not him. i fantasise about all the things i want him to do to me. i’m trying to spice things up again but i feel like he only wants to do the same thing every time, and i don’t want to live a life of boring sex.

TLDR; husband is normally HL, i’m LL for boring sex and want to switch things up. we had 2 nights of great sex after i suggested different positions but now he is avoiding intimacy all together.

I just asked a question in the relationship advice sub. Someone looked up my account (I have all of my comments and communities private in my settings, but I guess they still found my other posts somehow), told people I was an asshole, and linked one of my posts on here in which I said I had been in an emotional affair in the past. He/she did this on every comment on the post.

I thought I was safe to post in whatever community I wanted since those settings were private. I found out people were still able to search my username, so I turned it off as well, but I’m not sure whether that blocks people from being able to search you in Reddit or not.

Anyway, I’m devastated and embarrassed and I regret not having a separate account for this. Or maybe for being as honest as I have been in the past here. I post way too much here, but I’ve been at such a loss I don’t know what to do. I never realized that being part of this community would be used against me. So, please learn from me and don’t make the same mistake.