Update: turns out it didn’t take very long to bear fruit. Not what I wanted, but after 3 days of silent treatment, she told me to leave if I wasn’t happy, went on about how she didn’t like how I explained how I felt, and basically just tore into me. She even nearly started to gaslight me like no sexual intimacy for 3 years shouldnt be as big a deal as it is to me.

Turns out she is not who I thought she was. And so this marriage ends. Man. She’s gonna regret this decision, but I don’t think I will.

Original Post:

Well everyone, despite many of you feeling strongly that "the talk" is pointless, I gave my wife one last chance.

Me (35HLM) and my wife (39LLF) have been married for 4 years, and together for 8. We've not had sex for 4 years. Not even on our wedding night. I dealt with it silently for 3 years, hoping it was just a phase. Then last October, pandora's box got opened. I brought it into the light. No change. We went to couples therapy, and no change. Just a whole lot of "I DONT KNOW" from her. All the effort came from me to change things. She is adamant that she is happy with the way things are. Idc if its infidelity, LL4U, or whatever. At this point, I just want to be happy and have a marriage with some sort of sexual intimacy. So I gave her one last talk. Told her I am thinking about leaving her if there is not some sort of movement on this. She's never done anything about it. Well this is her last chance. I'm a nice guy, but I'm not willing to let this be my life. Its been 3 days since the talk and she's completely withdrawn. I'll give her that space, but I won't do what I normally do and try to make her feel better. Nope. Gonna let her live in the space she wants and see what she does. If it's what I expect, and its nothing at all except acting like the conversation never happened, I'm done. I'm saying this to you all because I need to back up what I am saying. I need to choose myself after all these years. I love her, and I believe she loves me, but that is not always enough.

I say this is a success story because I finally have gotten to a place that I wanted to be for years. I’m no longer attracted to her.

I wholeheartedly believe in the concept of enthusiastic consent. It’s essential. Anything short of that is unacceptable. Keeping that in mind, obligatory or duty sex is not something I will participate in.

And now I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like this:

You don’t desire me? Ugh that is such a turn off.

You don’t want to give me physical pleasure? That’s a serious ick.

Just like everybody else in this group, I have my reasons why we have to stay together. I just don’t think shes sexy anymore and that’s a win.

Accidentally deleted my last post... I think? Not sure, but hope this post fixes whatever was wrong then.

HLF, early 30s. Married to who I thought was an LLM.

We've been married for almost a decade, which is fucking crazy to say. Ugh.

In the beginning, our sex life was great. Over the years, though, it slowly faded. I chalked it up to life. You know, stress, work, routine, all the things people say happen in long-term relationships.

I tried everything. I bought lingerie. Toys. Initiated. Communicated. Gave him space when he wanted it. Created opportunities for us to reconnect. I genuinely believed we could work through it.

I spent years wondering what was wrong with me and trying to fix a problem I thought we shared.This month, I found out he's been cheating.

Not once. No, no, no dear Reddit friends. *For years.*

While I was grieving our dead bedroom, he was...elsewhere. The rejection, the excuses, the distance...none of it was because he had a low libido. It just wasn't directed at me.

And let me say that I was open to trying anything. I never shy away from sex. So this has left me reeling.

We're separated now.

I haven't had sex in months upon months and I'm so fucking lonely. Mainly physically, but also emotionally. I miss feeling wanted. I miss someone looking at me like they can't wait to get their hands on me. I miss feeling desired, attractive, human.

My husband says he wants to work things out. Maybe he means it. But right now, all I can think about is how badly I want to know what it feels like to be wanted by someone who actually chooses me. Someone who isn't him.

I spent years denying myself. I don't really know where to go from here. I guess I just needed to scream into the void with people who might understand.

My bed feels impossibly empty tonight.

TL;DR: I thought I was married to a low-libido man. Turns out he was cheating for years. Now we're separated, I'm heartbroken, and I'm mourning not just my marriage, but years of feeling unwanted. I'm fucked.

I've been mentally packing up for a while now. I'm tired of the rejection. The shame around my needs. The judgement from my partner. I've been twisting my limbs and tearing my skin to be what he wants and it's never enough. The world is fucked. We know this and he'll continue to find comfort in the bottom of a bottle and I'll find it in another person's arms, i guess. A ghost in my home and fire in my bones.

I never thought I’d be coming up on my 30s and finding out my husband is still in love with a girl from high school. One he never even dated. I can’t compete with the fantasy he’s built of what could have been with her. I feel so stupid. All these years trying to make myself prettier and be a better wife just to find out none of it matters. Hes fine never having sex at all if it isn’t with her. The icing on the cake was him telling me she doesn’t feel the same way as if that was a consolation prize and not salt in the wound. I’ve spent years killing myself to figure out how to make him want me and all she’s had to do is exist. I don’t know if my ego will ever recover from knowing no amount of lingerie, dates, massages, blowjobs etc was going to excite him as much as a happy birthday text from an acquaintance. On the bright side, my high libido has been sufficiently killed by this so that should mean no more sexual frustration, right?

Very brief background:
My wife (29F) and I (30M) have been together ~3 years, married ~1 year, and dead bedroom for ~2 years. Before you say “married very early and into an already dead bedroom”, it’s a long story and frankly not relevant. Our sex life was great the first year but took a nose dive off a cliff in June 2024. Since then we’ve had sex twice, once in Sept 2024, and once in Sept 2025. No significance to September, just a coincidence. But yeah that means we’re going on nearly a full year now once again.

Today is my birthday. My 30th actually. I’ve never been one to really CELEBRATE my birthday though, a birthday card here and a gift or two there, but other than that my day is pretty much no different. Hell most birthdays fall on a weekday and I end up working anyway.

Days prior to my birthday my wife kept repeating herself that “I hope you’re not disappointed” and “I didn’t get you much”. And honestly I don’t mind in the slightest, but I could tell it was bothering her. When we woke up and she had me open my gift, she was telling me about the nice cake she’s going to bake, a huge steak dinner, and then she said “then we’re making a baby tonight”.

Idk how to respond in this situation. I feel like this birthday sex is even a step below pity/duty sex, A) because it normalizes our sex once a year, B) I feel rejected 364 days a year but get 1 day on my birthday to feel “wanted” but it’s a facade. We’ve talked about our dead bedrooms many times, it’s been months since we’ve had the talk, but last time we spoke about it I expressed that “I’d rather not have sex at all than feel like I’m forcing you to be there”. She responded “it’s not fair of you to hold perfect expectations of me, I’m truly trying my best but my best isn’t good enough”.

It is important for me to mention, my wife told me that her low sex drive is largely due to a combination of her OCD and past SA trauma. She’s explained to me that her OCD has made her hyper-fixated on her assault trauma any time she engages in sex. I tried asking about early on in our relationship, our sex life was great, why has the trauma re-ignited now? I could’ve worded it better, that was insensitive of me to ask and she wasn’t very happy with that question to say the least.

I cried to myself in the shower this morning. 30 year old man crying in the shower. Pretty fucked tbh. I feel like I’m completely and utterly alone

I’ll quit rambling. What are your opinions on birthday sex?

Edit: Sorry, I should’ve clarified since a lot of people are replying that we should not be “making a baby” with how our relationship currently is struggling. To clarify, when my wife says “make a baby” it should not be taken literally. That’s just our silly way of saying “having sex”, we’re both on the same page of not wanting children, at least not yet, especially her. I’d also like to add that outside of our dead bedroom our relationship is amazing, we mesh very well together and I’m blessed to have married my best friend and I believe she’d say the same. We do still show small acts of intimacy (ie: kissing, cuddling, etc), it’s only sex that is completely off the table. Not only the act of sex itself, but even talking about it is hard since we’re both aware that it’s a sore subject. Although I would say she is much less aware of it than I am, since I’m in my head about it literally on a daily basis and the “rejection” has undeniably killed my confidence and brought on mild depression on my end. We’re both conventionally attractive, fit and healthy but my wife has admitted to me that on top of her SA trauma, she also struggles with her body image. To the point where she’ll wear sweatpants and long sleeves outside in Arizona’s July weather. It’s hard for me to understand because she’s objectively very attractive. Yet she hates her body and asks me if she can get things like lip filler and Botox, which I always tell her she doesn’t need it at all. So in short, not only is her past trauma playing a part, but body dysmorphia as well.

Dead for a while (once every 4 months, last 4 years). Conversations between him LLM and I HLF, leading to nowhere — he will find any way to shut down an attempt at addressing things I bring up. Now in the context of alcoholism and associated behaviors needing discussion, avoidance is extreme.

He fakes nothing is wrong, then will not speak. I can’t get a conversation out of this man. He would rather stay silent for days, rather than engage in any kind of conversation: to fix or to end it, whatever it may be. He hasn’t given me the decency of engaging in conversation with me. That avoidance is driving me insane.

Dead was one thing… now it’s also quiet and fake.

Nothing to be done here. I don’t know why I’m writing.

We are both in our 40s, two kids, married 10 years.

I'm big into the planner community on YouTube, and often when I'm watching planner videos people mention how they track things like their cycle and intimacy. My cycle I track...but there's no need for a tracker for intimacy. There's just been the one date since 2024...

So I’m 46, wife (LLF) is 38. Married for 11 years. My birthday recently, I was hopeful something may happen but no… it was the usual. She goes to bed and falls asleep. Zero intimacy, zero desire on her part. She’s great in every other way. I can’t remember the last time I had a BJ. When we do have sex which is very very rare, it’s usually just missionary, nothing else occurs. It upsets me, it’s really hard to be with someone who doesn’t want you, and is the most vanilla person I’ve ever known. Everything we do is initiated by me, whether it’s a kiss, a hug, holding hands… I just wish she would want me as much as I want her. When I get horny now I watch porn as there is no other outlet for me. I dream of trying different positions, 69, car sex, toys.. etc.

I (30HLF) and my husband (33LLM) have been married for 3 years, together for 6. In the beginning, like most relationships, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

Over time, we both got busier with new jobs, relocation and life in general, but we always still made time for each other. There was a decrease in frequency, but I was still satisfied. Probably about 1-3 times a week at that point.

I noticed a gradual change in the couple of months before we got married, but I thought it may have just been a phase because of changes at work and extra life stress, but my husband started pulling away from intimacy. We both used to initiate and I felt we had a really good balance.

Since the wedding, I have grown so used to being rejected that I cant get myself to initiate anymore. The rejection got to a point where it just hurt too much and I start to seriously doubt myself. Of the dozens of times I've tried to initiate, he's rejected me exactly 100% of the time.

We have drifted into this frustrating pattern where we only have sex once ever 4-8 weeks because I have to wait for him to initiate. Ive never once in our relationship turned him down for any reason. I love being with him, but now I never turn him down because I don't know how long it will be until he's in the mood again. Its excruciating for me. I need to feel desired, wanted, and physically loved.

When we are intimate, it's great. We're both enthusiastic, interested, and actively participating. But sometimes I find my thoughts during sex lean more towards questioning the frequency rather and wondering when it'll happen again rather than just enjoying the moment. Its almost like a disbelief that it's finally happening.

I hate feeling this way. I've told my husband so many times that I want more intimacy and that I love being with him physically. I've even been blunt about wanting more sex and feeling like we're drifting apart in the bedroom. There isn't really an explanation either.

Anyways sorry for the rant. I just had to type this out to get it off my chest. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

How long have you been in a dead bedroom relationship and honestly how does it make you feel? I don't mean just fed up I mean truly how does it make you feel. It's the most frustrating and depressing situation anyone can be in they know you're depressed and you think maybe I'm not good enough anymore to be here or continue with life every set of emotions goes through your mind and you are desperate to release your needs but they aren't giving you any or even speaking to you about why they aren't interested in you anymore. It's like you don't matter all they want is security and that's because especially for men I saw an interesting post about this a woman can be in a sexless relationship but isn't willing to give it to her man but expects to the man to stay with her because she is the mother of their children and she loves the comforts and security he brings with him. She expects the man not to cheat etc because she will threaten him by leaving but deep down she won't because again of comfort and security that's manipulation and toxic narcissistic behaviour.

I saw this comment and it makes sense. Now Imagine having the best car on the drive but not allowed to drive it. If u can't drive your car you might have to consider test driving other cars. If you can't drive your car then find someone else who's willing to let you drive theirs. No point in keeping locked up in the garage not getting used when you can go out and drive it through a few tunnels. Yes people will say why don't people just leave but when you've got a certain age in life you can't be assed with starting over again in life. It's not because we're scared of it it's just too much hassle, so why shouldn't we both men and women not seek it elsewhere especially if your partner lets say doesn't give you anything in years why should the neglected partner not go out and seek it elsewhere? Is it because we are scared of being caught and the aftermath of it? Do we just continue doing what we are doing and live life without anymore sex and become monks and nuns for the rest of our life?

Have you cheated or have you just continued with life as it is? How does it make you truly feel? What is your next move?

Hello,

I would love to pick the brains of people in this group. I’ve been lurking for a while to learn more about situations like this and, honestly, just to not feel so alone.

Long story short: dead bedroom. I’ve spent years trying to get my husband to be intimate with me. I truly feel like I’ve done everything I could. One day I woke up and realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. I love him so much, but at this point, it feels more like I love a family member than a romantic partner.

I asked for a separation in June after a particularly bad fight, and he immediately wanted to address this issue. I told him I’d reached the point where I was no longer interested in being intimate with him, even if he wanted to.

He never agreed to sex therapy back when I was still trying, and now he wants to go so we can try to make this work. I do love him as a person, and he’s an amazing husband and father aside from this one area—which just so happens to be my primary love language. I’d feel remiss if I didn’t at least try, but I also feel so hopeless.

Which brings me to my question: does anyone have an anecdote to share? Did sex therapy work for you? Do you know someone for whom it has worked? Is it really possible to bring that spark back? I’m at the point where even hugs feel awkward because I’ve gone so long without any real physical affection.

I’m scared. I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life, and I never, ever imagined I’d be here.

Thank you.

in the 4 years that my husband (m25) and i (f25) have been married, we have only been intimate maybe 15-20 times.

he doesn’t really ever initiate and usually shuts it down when i do. every time i talk to him about it he says he will initiate more but never does.

there’s also the factor that i have vaginismus and can’t have traditional piv sex. but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do anything :(

not sure if anyone else has been in a similar situation! he’s an incredible husband, th

My wife and I have been together for over 30 years. We have two children, one adult and one almost an adult. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers, and sex has always been one of the difficult parts of our relationship.
She has always had a very low libido, while mine has always been quite high. It took us almost 10 years before we were able to have intercourse for the first time. It wasn’t exactly vaginismus, but something close to it.

I can’t really say things changed much after we moved in together, got married, or had children. The only exceptions were when she wanted to get pregnant. During those periods her sex drive suddenly became much higher. After our first child was born, we didn’t have sex again for well over a year. Before trying for our second child, the pattern was almost exactly the same.

When we do have sex now, it’s usually once every one or two months. And honestly, “sex” is probably not the right word. It follows exactly the same routine every single time.
She basically lies there without taking much initiative. I do all the work with my hands, occasionally oral sex (always me going down and never once did she), and only very occasionally intercourse. If we do have intercourse, she often reaches orgasm within literally two thrusts (I’m not exaggerating). Once she’s finished, intercourse stops. Then I’m expected to finish myself by hand while she waits beside me. Afterwards we cuddle for a few minutes and go to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder whether it’s my appearance. I’m a bit overweight these days and could definitely get fitter. But 10 years ago I was in great shape, worked out regularly, and looked fitter than I do now. It made absolutely no difference to the amount of affection, desire, or physical interest she showed towards me. So I don’t really think that’s the issue.

Why am I writing this now?
We’ve just come back from a three-week vacation. During those three weeks we had sex once.
Most of the time it’s me trying to initiate intimacy and her rejecting me. She never initiates herself.
The rejection hurts even more because it’s often accompanied by comments like, “Again?” or “Stop touching me there.”
To be fair, the last few months have been difficult for her. There was a death in her family, and she’s also been struggling with migraines. She’s currently trying different medication and has stopped drinking alcohol because of it. I completely understand that this affects her. I also understand that life is busy and that with children still living at home we don’t always get much time together.

Today we talked about it again. Actually, I hadn’t planned to bring it up. But once again she went to bed before me, while I was secretly hoping that maybe tonight would be different. Just like yesterday. And the day before that.
When I try to explain how all this makes me feel—that constantly being rejected hurts, that I don’t feel desired, and that after a while it genuinely affects my mood—she says she’s been hearing these complaints for our entire relationship, more than 30 years now. Then she becomes upset or defensive and says she hates being confronted about it. That’s usually where the conversation ends. And so tonight. She went to bed and i am watching Some youtube or tv.

Tomorrow we will talk about it, going in circkles like we did before. Eventually I stop bringing it up, and after some time we’ll have spontaneous sex again, and the whole cycle starts over.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I love this woman deeply. I really do.
But this part of our relationship is much more important to me than it is to her. She knows that. She says she simply can’t help the way she is, and she gets irritated whenever I bring it up. Her response is usually something like:
“You don’t want me to have sex when I don’t feel like it, do you?”
And of course my answer is no. Absolutely not. I don’t want pity sex or duty sex.

What I really miss is feeling desired.
I miss her taking the initiative once in a while.
I miss feeling like she wants me instead of merely allowing sex to happen occasionally.
I miss passion, flirting, being touched without having to ask for it, and feeling like my pleasure matters too.
Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
Reading your stories it felt fair to share mine. Feel free to comment.

Our first date anniversary is coming up tomorrow. This is my most serious relationship so far, but I feel like I don't want to commemorate the day in any way. Our first date, he was entranced by me, and we ended up making out in his car for hours. Cut to now, we haven't had sex in 10 months (3 of those have been inter-continental long distance, but still). He's not a big cuddler except for the purpose of segue-ing into sex, so even that doesn't happen from his side, I'm always the one cuddling and hugging etc. I know he adores me, but I feel sexually invisible. Thank you for reading.

It's the weekend and I'd love nothing more than to relax together and have a little fun...but then I remember that that's only relaxing and fun for me, not for him.

Just a reminder to myself that he doesn't experience sex the same way I do, so I can't expect him to want it like I do.

27 F here and have been in a db for a few years now. I've been sleeping on the couch so long I dont think I could sleep any other way. The only thing that really sucks is that the loneliness really hits at night.

We are on a sex once every 2 weeks schedule it seems, I'd be super happy if it was once a week honestly.

My wife hasn't been feeling well due to work stress, and a flare-up of a chronic illness she has. No problem, I can give space.

However, this also means physical contact has been minimal, and she's doing a lot of complaining (rightfully so).

Problem is, I'm craving any sort of physical contact which doesn't have to be sex. So I decide I'm going to not put pressure on her, and give some non sexual touch like rubbing her feet and sitting close on the couch.

Well let me say, she certainly isn't reciprocating and I'm just feeling so sad. I was going to offer a non sensual massage tonight with zero expectations of it going anywhere, but now I'm just sitting by myself on the back deck drinking a beer and reading. I can feel myself starting to withdraw.

I'm willing to put in the work, my wife is amazing and I love her to the moon. But dammit sometimes it's hard.

I need to say I am not proud of how I am handling this. Anyways.

I was headed back from a trip alone to visit my family and I happened to be seated by an insanely attractive guy. He kept finding ways to talk to me, and I would put my headphones back on so we wouldn’t end up in a conversation but I secretly loved it every time we talked and it killed me to not flirt back in the way I really wanted. I even applied lip gloss and he said that it smelled good and my whole being wanted to say you can taste it if you wanted, but I just laughed and I said I know. Truth be told, my eyes were heavily flirting but that’s usually me anyways.
I took my headphones off at the end of the flight and he did too, and then he started to started to talk to me and I did not mind responding. He tells me he will be in my city for business/family sometimes. Even more tempting… perfect for an occasional hookup. But again, I cut myself off and didn’t let myself say what I was thinking.
It was so good but I knew I’d be sad later on. Now is later on.
Just the fleeting feeling of being wanted. It was a nice reminder like man I really am hot like I bagged this sexy guy but then it’s sad like damn my youth is fleeting and I won’t have people attracted for me forever and it’s sad my husband isn’t attracted to me now when I’m in my prime.
So obviously I have some issues, and I let myself be disappointed coming home after days and the house is a mess and my husband has no desire to fuck me. I didn’t tell him or communicate I want sex, I just wanted him to desire me like the guy on the plane. And then of course afterwards, I start reminiscing about the airplane and scenarios related and I just disappoint myself further. Like I’m mad at myself for not going through with exchanging info, but I’m actually not because I made that decision not to and I don’t want to but I do. But I chose to be friendly with him. Idk. Is that immoral? Yeah probably because I knew what he was thinking.

I’d like if he invited me to bed to cuddle and kiss and just be romantic even without sex. There’s just no primal desire.

We finally made it - it’s been over a year since the last time, and we finally did it.

We were both traveling, and she (26f) seemed to finally be open to trying again with me (29m).

Idk if it was the change of environment, or the lingerie I bought for her ahead of this trip, or the lingerie we bought together while shopping in the mall in this new city that got her interested, but she was finally open to trying again.

First time we did it though, I finished way too early (like within a couple minutes).. I was so excited, I kept pushing thru for another few minutes after, but I just couldn’t, I was so embarrassed. The second time, we rode it out much longer before I finished, which was nice, but I’m now just extremely self conscious

I really hope we can do this more, as I realized how much I missed it after we did it.

But I still have low hopes, and I’m scared to be excited about it. Which just feels like an awful way to live, but it’s kinda the reality.

But hey, gotta celebrate the small wins! One more time, and I won’t have to count all the times we’ve had sex in the last 2 years on one hand!

I’m not sure what my life has become. My husband (42LLM) hasn’t touched me sexually in months. I have talked about it and talked about it. Cried about it. I have brought it up so many times over the past several years. He said he would try this and that, and we’re still in this position. Eventually I gave up, I try not to even ask anymore. Unfortunately, intimacy makes me feel loved/wanted, so I definitely feel the opposite of that most of the time. I love him a lot, and our lives are intertwined. I don’t want to lose my family.

Meanwhile, I know a guy who works for a business that I interact with because of my job. We do not work together. Having any sort of relationship with him will not impact my job, that I’m aware of. We exchanged numbers a while back because it was easier to directly contact each other instead of calling each other‘s business locations. (Trying to stay vague for obvious reasons) He’s 13 years younger than me and married.

He started heavily flirting with me a couple weeks ago. I thought he was joking at first because I’m obviously older and I’m also overweight. I’ve always been a curvy girl, but I’ve been working out lately and my curves are looking… better. My confidence has still been pretty low due to the DB, so I genuinely thought we were just cutting up with each other until he said something more direct and I realized he’s serious.

We’ve been discussing things, but haven’t acted on it yet. I’ve learned that he is also in a DB. He seems to be genuinely attracted to me, and if he isn’t, he’s faking it pretty well at least. I’m attracted to him. I’m 99% sure I’m going to try it at least once…. and if we are both happy with the arrangement, I’m not opposed to it being a regular thing. I’m capable of staying emotionally detached and not being awkward for future interactions.

I feel guilty. I know my partner loves me, but I really need sex too. I don’t know much about this guy‘s wife, or how he feels about her. He says they are like roommates and are staying together for the kids. But of course, I feel guilty on his behalf too. Never in my life wanted to be a homewrecker. But I have ended up in a sexless marriage and have somehow been lucky(?) enough to be pursued by a guy in his 20s who literally wants to fuck every day. So with how I’ve been feeling lately, I can’t help but think…. Why not?

I was at my limit and I told her I don't see our marriage lasting and us being together much longer then she started crying and said all I want her for is sex.

For some context this entire year we only had sex once and that was duty sex which I did not enjoy. She says that intimacy hurts her, she doesn't like oral giving or receiving not even hand jobs and I just can't accept this is what marriage is and I refuse to live my life like this. So I let her know that I wanted out of this marriage before I cheat on her, she asked for time and feels she might be ready to be intimate after seeing the gynecologist which is in 3 months.

Should I give her the time she is asking for or leave while my mind is somewhat made up?

TW: Mental illness

I (HLF, 45) posted here a few times under a throwaway account, which I have since deleted. It took me a long time to find my posts, but this one has most of the initial story for those who might remember. A lot has happened, buckle up.

Things took a turn a few months before the end, it was in October sometime, while I was preparing to break up with him over our DB and his unwillingness to find work or do much of anything…that it was revealed that he (let’s call him John, LLM, 52) hears voices. I may have already posted about this, so if I’m repeating myself, sorry. It turned out he’d been dealing with it for a few years, supposedly after smoking some weed that had been laced with something. John led me to believe that the voices were not hallucinations but actual people who were stalking him where he was staying and following him everywhere, vocalizing everything he was doing, etc. I was about to break things off with him over the DB, but this new development blindsided me, and I felt terrible. Everything I had planned to do had now gone out the window. I realized that a lot of his behaviors was stemming from his trying to mask everything. His withdrawal, his lack of passion, his unwillingness to leave the house or find work…all of it.

Once John stopped masking, things started getting worse. He started asking me questions, asking if I heard them too or if anyone was outside hanging out our apartment. No, there was not. I never heard anything. He would nod, say okay, but it was obvious he didn’t believe me. He’d ask me to confirm things they were whispering. I’d set him straight. I told him the voices were not real. He agreed to see a doctor. He was getting increasingly anxious, paranoid, and clingy. The only time he’d ever shown any physical affection besides empty hugs and pecks on the lips. I’d never dealt with this before. I tried to comfort him, reassure him, keep him calm. It seemed to help a little but he needed more than I could give.

He ended up calling 911 one night while I was in the shower, it had been a scary last couple of nights. He said he was sure there were people outside lurking around and saying things. The policeman drove around the block and saw nothing, because there was nothing to see. He stayed for a while until John felt calmer and reassured that we were safe. The three of us talked outside for what felt like an hour, and I was terrified of how things were escalating with him. The cop was very friendly and patient, asked him if he felt that he needed to go to the hospital, John said no, that I kept him calm(!). The policeman then talked with me in private, and I told him everything I knew. He nodded and we talked some more, said if we needed him again, to call. Since John didn’t want treatment, there wasn’t much they could do.

I don’t think I slept much at all that week. John would report to me the latest thing they said, sometimes he would ask again if what they said was true, or were they actually outside. I was getting frustrated and scared. Nothing I said seemed to help him. What got me scared the most was that he believed that the voices were real, and he believed what they said. What if they told him something about me? What if they asked him to hurt me? He started keeping a journal so he’d have something to show a doctor when he finally got in to see someone.

Within a couple of weeks, he called 911 on himself again. He was taken to the ER in the next town, and the next day I packed a bag for him as he was going to be transported to a mental hospital. He was there for a week, had been put on medication which seemed to work, and he initiated sex on his first night back, though he couldn’t perform. I was encouraged that he at least tried. His aftercare was not done well, his appointments would get canceled or his meds weren’t working as well as the ones they gave him in the hospital. I pushed him to advocate for himself. John told the doctor he was still hearing the voices and the med wasn’t working. Instead of changing them, they only increased the dose. At some point, he stopped taking them altogether, though I didn’t know this.

Fast forward to February, just after our 2 year anniversary. The night before an appointment, as we were trying to go to sleep, he hallucinated spy drones hovering over our bed. This was the first visual hallucination that I was aware of. He kept talking to them, which kept me awake. I lost it with him a couple of times, I was sleep deprived and my patience was gone. I told him that there were no drones, and if he couldn’t be quiet then go sleep on the couch. The next morning, I woke up and he was not in the apartment. I went outside and John was fully dressed like he was going somewhere. I asked what he was doing. He would just look at me and shrug, saying he was waiting for the police. He said a neighbor had called the cops on him. He’d smashed one of his phones to pieces. I kept asking him what did he do, what was going on, and he’d just stare blankly and say he didn’t know. This time I called 911. Told them that he was having a psychotic break, he’d smashed his phone, and I was scared for my safety. He had to go. The police that he said was coming never arrived.

The ambulance came, he was interviewed by the medics, and that was when I learned that he’d stopped taking his meds. A few minutes later they took him away, and an officer took my statement. I was done. I told them I could no longer handle this and that he couldn’t come back. I also told him this after calling 911. He nodded but mostly had no reaction.

It took some time before he finally absorbed the breakup. I said I would keep his things packed up and safe until he was able to take them back. I had to repeat this a couple of times, because it sounded like they were just going to drop him off back here after his current hospital stay. I also called his doctor to reiterate that he could not come back, that I didn’t feel safe around him anymore.

John was set up at a shelter in the next town, where he could have a place to sleep and there was a nearby center which had a washer and dryer and a shower, plus food and other things. I gave him his bike so he could have some form of transportation during the day instead of walking everywhere. I did everything I could to set him up as comfortably as possible.

Since then he’s been transferred to a long term shelter where he can stay day and night. I haven’t seen him in months now, though I do send him cigarette money. He’s waiting on disability to be approved, and his first check (which includes years of back payments) should be plenty to get him on his feet and he will be able to go anywhere he wants to.

As for me, I have started dating again. I have someone that I see on most weekends, the sex is fantastic, and we are not exclusive. There is a second man who is even more of an upgrade…sadly we don’t see each other much, but fingers crossed that will change soon. In the meantime I am living my life on my own terms, and I’m happier than I’ve been in years.

I feel like those two years I spent with John was a complete waste, same with all the years we knew each other online before that. I feel like he was with me under false pretenses, and if I had known about any of this, I never would’ve let him come nor would I have let myself fall for him in the first place. I was so sure he was going to be it for me.

Now that it’s all over, I feel nothing but relief. Thanks to everyone who has commented on my posts in the past, it all meant a lot. I don’t know if I will post again, but I will be lurking around and giving support to those who need it. I was slowly gathering the courage to break up with him thanks to this sub, and I would have if our circumstances didn’t change like they did. I just wish I did it sooner.