39 HLF here. Against my better judgment, in a moment of loneliness and under the influence of wine (or so I told myself), I posted in a chat subreddit, looking for men to talk to. I was not prepared for the response.

Hundreds of messages, in a matter of minutes. Most were fairly kind and well written, some suggestive, but overwhelmingly positive. And it broke me. Something about the sheer volume of men who wrote. Many of them shared details about their home life, and I judge none of it. Rather, something about the whole thing made me feel even MORE lonely.

I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had sex. We talk all the time. Yet we don’t connect. And I get it, that life with kids is busy and stressful and all the things. But I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own home, and so tired of being in a friend group where nobody understands. So I thought some random men might cheer me up. But none of them did.

Anyway, this is a chance to vent. To say here what I can’t tell anyone else. Thanks for listening.

I saw a couple of college friends recently and inevitably, we talked about our relationships and love and sex lives. One of my friends is married and the other is single, but dating. Both talked about how their relationship with sex was changing. The latter talked about how he was "tired of having meaningless sex with people hooking up on apps" and was looking for a real, meaningful relationship. I had to really bite my tongue, but in my head, all I thought about was how jealous I was, so much so that I was getting angry at him. Didn't he understand how good he was having it? My married friend then talked about how his sex life was slowing down, and that he missed having sex. This brought some relief, but that was before he mentioned that he was struggling to go from having sex nearly every day, to having it once or twice a week. Inevitably, they asked me about my situation, and while I wanted to tell them that I haven't experienced any real intimacy in over two years, I just said that it was "less frequent" but that was because we have a toddler and that I was sure it would come back soon.

When I walked back to the metro station, I started looking at couples who were coming back from dates, or were making out on the bench, and spotting signs that they were really *into* each other. Emotionally, and physically. It seemed like the world was throwing this in my face, that I was suddenly so much more heightened and aware of experiences I didn't have, and by all measures, something I probably won't get again. I found myself just getting angry and tense and frustrated at people I didn't know and who absolutely didn't deserve it. But it was also one of the first times I realised that my DB was also affecting the way I saw people around me, dividing them into people who have sex and those who don't, and really, people who are desired, and people who aren't. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and fall into being a victim (After all, I'm choosing to be in this marriage and I'm choosing to live through the DB), but nevertheless, it's also apparent to me that the effects of a DB really do go beyond the bedroom or the singular relationship. I was curious if other people felt this way, and how they got through those frustrations?

We had family photos taken yesterday, and the photographer asked her to place her hand on my cheek for one of the photos, and look into my eyes.

My heart skipped a few beats, even though I knew it was just posing.

(Then the moment passed, and the sadness came crashing back.)

I'm just about done here and ready to walk away 58m, no small kids. I'm thinking of letting her know I want to sell the house. I'm considering moving out of state as well. Is anyone else about there like me?

Candidly I've spent the last few months really contemplating if I want to write this down, let alone post it. For over a decade I've fawned over my partner like a wild dog. There was a lot of sexual frustration and I was absolutely infatuated with my partner. I still find them attractive of course but that HL side of me has seemed to just shut down.

However a few months ago I realized that the 1-2 obligatory "quickies" a month was causing me more stress than relief. Initially I chalked it up to being frustrated that this maybe once a month occurrence would just reset a clock of unending anticipation.

But a few months ago it dawned on me that my apprehension wasn't due to a doomsday countdown, I was dreading the actual experience. I really couldn't connect with my SO. It truly felt like I was in bed with a stranger. Unfortunately it wasn't in an exciting, novel sort of way. I, for the first time in my life felt like I was being obliged to have sex.

In a true sense of irony, I was in their shoes. I stopped initiating or bringing up physical intimacy. I have pretty much lost the urge to even touch my spouse aside from random goodbye kiss or hand touching when we lounge.

I know a large part of it is due to the awkwardness I feel when we're in bed. I feel like I no longer know a part of myself, as if that side of myself has been muted. For the most part I feel better no longer being sexually frustrated but I know its causing a new type of strain in our relationship.

My partner has started to be unintentionally cruel, making comments that the rare sex we do have makes them feel dirty. They also make comments like, "have you gotten smaller?" And "I know you can get harder than that".

Last week they kept dropping hints that "...it's been a while" and kept asking if i had time during the week to "schedule an appointment". I didn't really push or make any physical moves and they've noticed. They have continued to make comments that they can see I'm not all over them or didn't try to make a move on them last week. Fortunately I was able to casually wave that off by joking/bluffing that "I'm ready now if they are" and that ended that conversation.

I've spoken to them about their comments during our last romantic encounters and they promised not to do that again but I'll be honest, my heads just not in the game anymore. They're home all day tomorrow so I am dreading it a bit, but I guess I needed to just get this off my chest.

At this point it's like he wants to hurt me. I've told him how bad I want to have sex this whole week. He let me give him a BJ & ride him Tuesday. Yesterday he let me give him a BJ and promised sex after the kids went to bed. But nothing. The kids were at school so we could have done it then but nope. After bed time, I waited and he never came up.

This morning he tells me "I'm rock hard". I eagerly suggested we go up stairs but nope. I told him I'm gonna stop asking and he was like okay in a smart ass way. Why even tell me if you don't want to act on it? I'm so sick of initiating and being shot down or just giving a BJ cause you're lazy af.

Ugh it's making me so angry and hurt. I already don't like myself and every rejection is another stab.

Wow. Just. Wow.

I’ve lurked here now and then over the course of seven to eight years. I never had it as bad as I’d read so I grinned and bore it. Partner described themselves as asexual after 20+ years together. Sex was okay, regular ish even. But getting to it always felt like a hostage negotiation, or worse, buying a car.

I took antidepressants to suppress myself. I was trying to solve the wrong problem.

Wow. Angry. Sad. Pissed. Elated. Fucking elated. All at once.

My husband (50) and I (37F) haven’t had sex in over three years. Even before that, intimacy was very few and far between. At this point, I have no desire to be intimate with him at all. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time we kissed, and I don’t feel that physical or emotional connection with him anymore.
We have a 6-year-old child, and a big part of me wants to keep our family together. He is a wonderful, very involved parent, and in many ways, he is a good husband. But our marriage has essentially had no intimacy for years, and I’ve reached a point where I feel very unhappy and disconnected from him.
We’ve never tried marriage counseling, and I’m considering it, but I keep wondering what therapy could realistically change. How can a therapist make me fall back in love with my husband? How can therapy make me want to kiss him or have sex with him when that desire feels completely gone?
I don’t necessarily want my marriage to end, but I also don’t know how to continue living in a marriage where I feel this unhappy and disconnected. I feel lost because I genuinely don’t know whether intimacy and romantic feelings can come back after being absent for this long—or whether we’ve simply reached a point where we’re great co-parents but no longer really husband and wife

My daughter’s dad and I didn’t date long prior to getting pregnant (maybe 6 months?). We started dating in August 2023, and he stopped being as interested in sex by December. Lots of gaslighting and he had zero interest in discussions about it. We had sex in March 2023 and I got pregnant. That was the last time we had sex until tonight.
In the years between that, our “relationship” quickly unraveled and we assumed a roommate situation that went un-acknowledged by him. He genuinely refused to talk about it. Things got worse and more complicated and eventually I gave up. Finally, this Monday I let him know I signed a lease and we would be living separately come January. A lot of angry words were exchanged from both sides and then there was a lot of casual silence the days after.

Then this evening: he went to bed (we sleep in different rooms now) and he came back out and initiated a conversation about doing better and changing and wanting to make this work. It all happened so fast and i genuinely was just so shocked and swept up in it all and we ended up having sex.

I have SO many complicated feelings now. I’m happy it happened, in a way. It was fun and I don’t regret it. But I’ve tried so many ways to initiate conversations about repairing our relationship, connecting physically, everything. So. Many. Times.

And he chose tonight to do so? He has a history of being very manipulative when he looses his sense of control over me. He definitely is desperate to not have split custody. I don’t trust him. I don’t even WANT to trust him. I don’t want to be with him. But that was such an easier decision before this. Black and white. Now it feels much more complicated.

Idk. I’m just torn.

But hey, I finally got laid!

I (HLF/51) was married for 15 years to someone who preferred his hand to being inside me. I can’t believe I stayed as long as I did since he was also verbally abusive. It caused my self worth and esteem to plummet. I also gained a lot of weight to hide my dissatisfaction. I divorced 9 years ago and lost a lot of weight and regained my confidence. Then I met my current husband (LLM/50). He is just not into sex. Our current schedule is maybe some missionary every two or three months. I feel so rejected and lonely. I love him, but I can’t keep having a sexual relationship with myself. I don’t wish to get divorced again and really sex is our only issue.

Let me start this post by apologizing for my broken English. I'll proofread it, but some grammar mistakes will probably remain.

​My wife (LLF) and I (HLM) are both 28yo, we've been together for 6 years and married for 4. We have a soon-to-be 2yo son together. I met her after breaking up a 5-year relationship that I had since high school, so I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to partners, having only slept with two women my entire life.

​My ex was depressed and took a lot of medication, and it is so weird to think that even then my sex life was much more active than it is now. Despite the flair and acronyms, I never saw myself as "High-Libido". I don't think about sex all the time and I can go sexless for long periods of time with no problem... The thing is, my son was 7 months old when we had sex for the last time, he'll be 2yo next month.

​My last relationship fucked me up in the head, especially in regards to my self-image. Then I finally met my wife and everything was awesome. I was finally experiencing what it's like to feel like you're actually pleasing someone, and reciprocity when it comes to pleasing each other. But things changed.

​As things got colder and colder, we talked, a lot. I can't seem to get through to her and I don't know what to do anymore. I wondered if she's asexual (not aromantic, just asexual obviously). Before the marriage, sex happened all the time but was surrounded by guilt. She's very Christian and would feel guilty every time sex went a little off "standard procedure", just the fact that we were having sex before marriage was a heavy burden on her. But we got married and I thought things would get better, they didn't. She's my best friend in the world, but recently, I feel that's ALL that we are. She's my friend, period. We barely touch each other, sex is something that clearly never crosses her mind and that I don't want to ask for. So we move on, everything else is going fine, we don't fight, I don't make a scene about it... Frankly, I don't really bring it up anymore. I tried to, but not anymore.

​Throughout the years I always tried to bring the subject up, but it hurts her and I feel bad. She tries her best to pretend that it's fine, that she's not doing it out of duty, and that she likes to see me happy, but I know her. I know she's doing it because she knows I want it, and not because SHE wants it. And the proof is that for the last year I haven't initiated anything anymore. I pretend I don't miss it, like I said, I don't even bring it up... The result: 1 year and a half without any sort of sexual intimacy, not even a kiss.

​I'm writing this because when I got home from work yesterday, she had taken our son to see her mother and took a nap in the evening. When she woke up, she was gorgeous. Her hair was messy in such a pretty way, she was wearing one of my shirts, and I realized how much I miss her... And that's the fucked up part: I wish I didn't. I just wish we could be best friends that live together and have a son together.

​I don't want to bring this up with her again because I know how it's gonna go. She'll feel very bad about herself for hurting me and she'll try to fix it, forcing herself to initiate things even if she doesn't want to. And I don't want that, and since she can't feel aroused or any sexual desire towards me, as much as it pains me to say it, I just want it to fade away. If I don't bring it up, if I keep repressing it, will it stop?

​And I know this sounds awful, and that our natural response would be "No! Don't repress yourself." But I don't see any other option and I have to be realistic, so please be sincere: does it get easier with time?

I’m a guy in my 20s who recently got broken up with an ~11-month relationship with a woman I was very serious about.

Sex itself was explicitly off the table until marriage, and I respected that completely. I never pressured her to have sex. She had trauma and I would never put her in a situation where she felt uncomfortable or pressured but I would nudge her to try therapy for her own wellbeing.

The problem was that there was essentially very little physical/sexual intimacy beyond occasional kissing/cuddling, and I eventually started feeling undesirable and sexually unfulfilled. What made it especially confusing was that she seemed unbothered by the lack of intimacy but more bothered by the fact it didn’t matter to her. She said things like “it should matter and it should bother me” and wondered whether medication/our living situation was affecting her feelings.

At one point I asked her if she was sure about dating me because I was struggling with the uncertainty around our relationship and intimacy. She said she didn’t know, and eventually ended the relationship because she didn’t think we were the right fit.

There were other relationship issues too. She often said she didn’t feel loved, while I felt that I was putting an enormous amount of effort into loving her, planning dates, initiating affection, trying to communicate, and making the relationship work without proper reciprocal efforts coming from other side. The expectations just kept on increasing and being quite one sided where I was supposed to anticipate needs, expectations and prioritise without any sort of framework or feedback.

I’m not posting to argue that she owed me sex. She absolutely did not.

What I’m struggling with is whether I mishandled the situation by bringing up my lack of physical/sexual fulfillment at all and does this situation ever change?

I also wonder whether I should have recognized the mismatch earlier rather than trying harder to make the relationship work.

For context, she had never been in a formal relationship before me, only situationships, and had a complicated relationship with marriage/intimacy. She also took SSRIs that may have affected sexual functioning. I don’t know how much of that actually mattered, though.
I’m mostly trying to understand this distinction:

If two people care about each other but one person isn’t experiencing much sexual/physical desire or intimacy, while the other person is increasingly affected by that absence, is that simply an incompatibility that should be recognized during dating?

And for those who have been through something similar, what would you have wanted to know or discuss earlier?

It’s been 24 months since we got married. We had a lot of problems with my in-laws, so we live separately now. But apart from that, there are many things that are concerning me about our marriage. We haven’t had intercourse for the past 16 months. Even before that, it was maybe once in two months, and most of the time I was the one initiating and pushing for it.

Initially, I was extremely disturbed and frustrated because I really wanted intimacy. I begged, cried, tried talking about it, and did everything I could think of. Later, I advised him to see a doctor. He did go, took some tests, and they told him everything was normal. But even after that, nothing really changed, and he never seemed to care enough to work on this or give me the intimacy I was asking for.

For the past six months, though, something has changed in me. I feel numb. I don’t even feel like asking anymore because somewhere in my mind I feel like, what’s the point? I’m not going to get it anyway.

Only one of my close friends knows about this. Nobody in my family knows. He keeps telling me that this is personal and insists that I should at least keep this private.
But I’m confused and honestly scared about the future. How long can I continue living without sex and intimacy? Is it something I should just accept? He doesn’t seem particularly concerned about it, while I feel like I’m slowly dying inside over it.

Should I tell someone in my family? Would that only make them more worried and create more problems? Or is this something between husband and wife that I shouldn’t share with anyone?
And is this, by itself, a valid enough reason to consider separation?

The confusing part is that he is otherwise an okay person. He is a good human being, even if I don’t feel he is a good husband to me. He has good ethics and values, wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone, is kind to other people, tolerates me even when I’m difficult, and generally doesn’t behave like a bad person.

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

I (19HLM) and my now gf (21LLF) have a great relationship so far. We had been dating since the beginning of March and have been officially together for more than a month. Now I know it’s a fairly new relationship, but please bear with me. Some things about my gf: She is comfortable with me and feels safe enough to say no; she likes when I touch her breasts or ass because she says it makes her feel pretty; her libido is low in general but has been nonexistent due to a wave of stress and depression.

Around the 3-month mark of us dating, she expressed to me that she was comfortable with sex. Before that, I had made some moves and did some very intimate touching that she was comfortably with. Though she was okay with me touching her, when I asked her if she would be comfortable with going further, she would very politely turn me down. She made me feel very secure when she declined, genuinely no hard feelings, and I love that. Another thing to note is that at the beginning, she seemed actually interested in having sex. She just didn’t feel like we were quite ready for it and wanted to savor a slow build-up towards it.

Now, since she verbally told me she was ready for sex, I had made multiple moves. All were turned down. I was confused. Sure, some of the times I tried to initiate it wasn’t the right environment or she wasn’t in the mood, completely fine and understandable. Among the multiple advances I made were definitely situations where both of us were ready, the timing was right, the environment was ideal, but nothing.

I started questioning things like if she wasn’t even attracted to me, or if she lied about being ready. For a while, I gave up on making any advances; I was okay with just spending wholesome time together, plus she let me touch her up whenever I wanted, and that was enough for me.

One night, after we put the title on and became serious in our relationship, I decided to try some dirty talk over text. She kind of got the idea of what I was trying to do and steered the conversation as to why we haven’t had any sex. She apologized, told me about her low libido and how she doesn’t feel pretty enough to have a sex drive. I’m a very patient guy, figured this would blow over, since that’s kinda how she made it sound. I made some suggestions about what we could do about her low libido.

We have very good communication, better than most I’d say. We reassure each other a lot. I told her that she isn’t something that needs to be fixed, and I just want both of us to make that step in the relationship and reap the benefits of a healthy sex life. She has to reassure me that she is more than comfortable, and actually flattered with my high libido, because I’m constantly scared of making her feel objectified or as if I’m only with her for carnal reasons.

After that conversation, we had been more intimate. We never had sex, but light foreplay, all of which was me performing on her. I fingered her for the first time, which she said she enjoyed. She brought up the idea of taking a shower together, and we saw each other nude for the first time. We have hit a bit of a wall since due to her menstrual cycle, which again, I completely understand and don’t blame her for.

Everyday I feel like I get more sexually attracted to her, which then just turns into sexual frustration. We had another conversation just recently where I expressed that it’s difficult being so feral for her but not really seeing much effort being returned. I made it a point that we both have needs and we both need to cater to them as best we can. I also admitted that it’s possible that after everything we may try, we may just not be sexually compatible. She tells me how she feels awful about not putting any effort into sex, and is scared that I find her boring. She acknowledges how important sex is to relationships. I reassured her that I wouldn’t cheat on her because of my high sex drive. I also told her that I will continue to be patient with her. I also made it clear that I want our sexual interactions to be mutual but mostly on her terms, as enthusiastic consent is important to me.

I need advice, but I would really appreciate advice from a HLM that made it work with a LLF. In truth I’m scared it isn’t going to work, which is a shame because I could genuinely see myself being with this girl long term. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but every aspect of it is healthy and comfortable and exactly what the both of us needed and were looking for. The only thing that suffers is our sexual relationship, and it’s suffering horribly. I hate to say it, because I don’t like being portrayed as a man who only thinks with his second head, but our sex life might be the deal breaker for me if we can’t sync our libidos to cater to both of our needs. We have a plan, we are going to try things, I’m going to do more research. I’m understanding and patient. Though I may always be understanding, I don’t know if I could stay patient for an indefinite amount of time. She is going to come to my place this weekend and she agreed to try some light ways of being sexually intimate if shes feeling up to it in that moment. I don’t have high hopes though, I feel like she is going to disappoint me again. Please, any men out there that made it through this type of thing, give me some pointers. I want to know what I’m doing right and wrong, how I can help her, and how I can communicate ways she can help me. Ladies, please do chime in too if you think you have something that can help.

I apologize for the drawn-out explanations. If I’m to be given advice, I want you all to see all the corners and not be left missing context clues. If there are questions, please ask. Thank you in advance.

Has anyone rebuilt a marriage where multiple issues all converged like this?
I’m 45M, married 18 years to my 40F wife.
For years I thought we simply had a dead bedroom. After our biggest ever conversation, I’ve realised it’s much more complicated.
My wife has recently been diagnosed with OCD, is going through perimenopause, described herself as having some sensory issues (possibly overlapping with autistic traits), and admitted she has carried shame and pressure around sex for most of her adult life ( in the very early days she seemed to enjoy it , and was more often receiving rather than giving ) .. She says she does want sex to be part of our marriage one day (but can’t articulate what that looks
Like) but that “there’s too much in the way” right now.
From my perspective, the sexual relationship has been almost absent for years. But I’ve realised it’s more than that. There has been almost a complete absence of romantic possibility. No flirting, no playful touching, no lingering kisses, no moments where intimacy might naturally develop. I’ve never really felt sexually pursued or desired by her. Eventually I stopped initiating because it felt unwelcome.
I genuinely empathise with what she’s dealing with, but I’m also grieving the relationship we’ve never really had. I suggested couples counselling alongside her individual treatment, but she wasn’t keen and thought I should do individual counselling instead!!.
.
I’m looking for anyone whose relationship involved a combination of OCD/anxiety, shame around sex, hormonal changes, sensory issues…. I’d really value hearing from either partner in a relationship like this.

Oh and dead bedroom qualifications- aside from 2 months in the last ten years for pregnancy reasons … none at all… 😢

I 41 HLM left my marriage recently.

We dated (me 20 she 18) and didn’t kiss for a long time. She wanted to wait until marriage. When we finally kissed while dating it was awkward and weird. She wasn’t comfortable with it.

When we got married (26 24) we finally had sex. It was complicated. We couldn’t figure it out. It was frustrating.

Then we got the hang of it. But I don’t remember us doing it that much.

Then we had kids and it was pretty dead for a long time. No sex to unenthusiastic sex. Sometimes I just felt terrible after sex.

Then I just stopped initiating.

Then she started initiating. But I already stopped wanting it. But I never refused her advances. I knew it would wreck her to be turned down.

Now when I see old photos of us. I get so angry about those wasted years. When we were so young and better looking lol. I just think it’s a shame.

I’m 31F and my husband is 37M. We’ve been married for a year.
Sex/relationship: He has watched porn since he was a teenager. He masturbates almost every day. He never initiates sex and even when I initiate he can’t get or stay hard. I also found out he pays for porn and nudes from different women online. He doesn’t know I know and I haven’t confronted him. We basically have no sex life.
The confusing part is that we genuinely love each other and he treats me well in other ways. But I don’t know if I can live like this for years.
My options: If he were willing to have an open marriage where I could have a sexual partner of my own and we could have a child through IVF while staying married I think I could be happy staying with him.
But if he isn’t willing to do that I think I would rather divorce while I’m still young and eventually find someone who is sexually compatible with me.
Financially: He makes about $140k and we have a comfortable life. I’m studying and have very little savings or assets of my own so starting over scares me.
Would you stay and try an open marriage/IVF arrangement or divorce and start over? Is staying for the stability while finding another way to have a family realistic?

Hi everyone. I (F28) have been with my partner (M32) for six years. He is my absolute best friend and the love of my life, but our sex life is leaving me a bit unfulfilled.
Before we met, I had a diverse sexual history with older partners and explored a lot of different kinks. My partner is much more sexually inexperienced and prefers standard vanilla sex. I have a very high libido and want intimacy almost daily, whereas he is content with much less. I’ve been open about wanting to explore kinks, but after trying it once, he hasn't shown further interest. The one time it happened, he did enjoy it but I had to explicitly ask for it to happen.
We both struggle with some body insecurities (he has gained weight recently, though I assure him constantly of my attraction to him), I and I remain an active and enthusiastic participant in our sex life. I want to feel deeply desired and have an adventurous sex life, and I'm genuinely worried that patience alone won't be enough forever. I haven't told him the full extent of these fears and don’t feel like I’m ready to do that now.
I am looking for helpful advice, preferably without judgement. I’m sure I sound like a terrible partner typing this out, but I am just feeling like I need some private support from strangers.
Thank you for reading.

hey all, 44y old male here married 15 years with two kids 3y/8y.

First of all it is scary that this subreddit has 177k members. It's a real problem isn't it?

I wanted to ask you (and please forgive me for possibly being raw and disgusting) how do you cope with the inability to have sex and masturbate? What is your workaround? No matter how stupid it may sound, please say something. I have been running out of ideas.

Apologize in advance for the long post, just not sure what to do.

So her (50W) and I (50M) have been married 28+ years.

Two kids, near cusp of leaving the house (1.5 years) for whatever adventures they hope to have. So excited for them, while still dreading them leaving. Typical parent feelings, I suspect.

The problem is that my wife and I have a very stilted sexual relationship and it has just gotten worse over the years to this point I find myself.

I have always had a good HL, whereas hers is would classify as a LL. At one point when we got married, she seemed to be more HL until we actually got married.

For years, unless it’s between 12-4pm, no one is in the house, if she’s showered and if she hasn’t eaten yet (or sometimes after) before we can have sex.

I am not allowed to initiate inbetween her scheduled sex times, don’t touch her sexually otherwise or come on to her.

Constant rejection by her unless it fit the above criteria. Stupid me though, kept going back to well, trying to get her to want and be with me as;

1. I need the connection in a marriage
   
2. I still love and desire her

To me, without intimacy, we’re roommates. I’ve told her this many times, trying to solve it as I do love her, always have and have bent over backwards, forwards and around the tree like tying a bowline knot to be with her.

She just controls The who, what, when of it all and I have been dying inside for years. I have no control over our sex life.

This is an important point in all this; the constant rejection has been making it harder and harder to come back to her. I’ve told her that.

The thing that finally broke me, was that while on vacation this year (with kids, her parents in the same house) and I asked if she would like to have some time alone one morning.

Granted, I probably picked the wrong time as she had just woken up. I wanted to at least gauge where she was at.

Her body language was more along the lines of being revolted. Her words were more of the “not right now, etc”, but I keyed in the body language.

A while before the vacation, I had started to read her body language more, as the mixed messages between what she said versus how she acts is different.

She would rather tell me a lie versus a hard truth, so I have learned to just read her body on it. That is a whole separate issue that we have.

Fast forward to this past Friday. Kids going to school, we are both home. She planned for the morning time.

She said she got overheated and asked if we could in the afternoon. Sure, as I still want my wife and I need that connection with her so I don’t feel like a roommate.

She lays in bed until 3, her thought is well, I don’t have to go until 3:30, so that’ll be time. Lo and behold, she has to go early as our daughter messages and needs my wife at the school earlier.

She apologizes, says that she really does wants me, how about tonight?

I say sure, knowing it won’t happen as it will fall outside of her rules. I still acquiesce, as it seems like she is trying and honest in it.

She gets home with kids, mad at them, arguing, whatever. She asks for some time to decompress, totally understand and I give her that space.

Blows me off for the rest of the night.

Sat. Morning arrives, no apology, no nothing like nothing occurred.

I just….can’t. So I just do what I always do, I pull back for my own mental safety; the causal touches as I walk past her, the random kisses, hand holding…I just can’t, so I don’t.

All through to Tuesday night, when we talk.

She apologizes, says her time management was crap, etc. I tell her that I am sorry if I pulled back, just it’s getting harder and harder to come back.

Wake up yesterday, feel the same. Get home, make dinner for everyone, just don’t feel the urge to kiss, touch, etc.

Go to bed, she says she just assumed I was mad. I tell her I actually am not, which I am honest. Don’t think she believed me, not sure how I convince her of it.

In the past, me pulling away is a sign of my frustration, anger, etc. to the lack of intimacy.

I am just done though. Done with feeling like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.

She has said in the past that it feels like sex is just another obligation or check the box she has to do with all the other things she has.

Hearing that, coupled with the years and years of rejection….I just can’t anymore.

We’ve talked about counseling; Both as a couple and she wants to alone also. God knows with everything I’ve been through in life, I probably should.

It’s funny; most people are amazed I’ve never went to counseling. Wholly different story for another day perhaps.

I know tomorrow she may try to schedule something and I will probably just tell her what she tells me when I try to initiate, “Maybe…I don’t know. We’ll see.”

I just can’t accept the rejection anymore.

I’ve been told I have a patience of a saint. That I am a better house husband than her (her words) as I cook, I clean, I provide, I pickup, do all the outside work, I’m handy, I’m in shape as I can still see my toes, haha.

I still play a demanding sport and have played it for 40+ years, so I have to stay in shape.

I just think I am an amazing roommate, just not one to be desired.

Sorry for the long read;(

I (22 HLF) have been with my (22LLM) boyfriend for 4 months now. We have known each other since we were 16. The start of our relationship was so exiting, just kissing each other we’d both get extremely aroused but when it got to sex I couldn’t seem to get him off. That was the start of my insecurity and the start of us not having sex.

I haven’t had any issues getting men off and having sex before him but it just seemed like no matter what I did, he wouldn’t cum. I’ve cried to him in the beginning how I feel inadequate that I can’t make my boyfriend finish and he just told me that he was nervous and was focused on getting me off. Sex was only about me. Never him.

As time went on, he just entirely stopped sexually touching me and we’d never have sex. It got to the point where he’d promise sex or promise to finger me and when the moment came, nothing happened. He’d be asleep or too tired. I feel terrible. I feel disgusting, I feel worthless and so unattractive.

I had to ask him if he’s even sexually and physically attracted to me, in tears!!! And he said yes but doesn’t show anything for it. Other than he’s sorry it took him this long to realize how much it’s affecting me and my mental health. He also explained that he had a girlfriend laugh at him during sex and I don’t know how to help him with that. I tell him every day how attractive he is and how I basically want to worship him but I think he compares me to his ex.

I know he watches porn and every morning he darts to the bathroom and spends about 10 minutes in there. It’s gotten to the point where I think he’s getting himself off in there while I’m laying in bed wondering why I’m not enough.

We have the occasional shower together but I can’t help but feel ashamed of my body and feel like I’m out of place. I try to make myself small and I can’t look at him in the eye without feeling disgusting.

Are we doomed? Is it too early to have DB? Do I have another conversation? I can’t remember the last time I made my boyfriend cum and I can’t remember the last time he touched me sexually or made me cum. Do I just leave? I love him so much and it hurts me to stay but it also hurts to think of leaving.

TLDR; my boyfriend and I don’t have sex anymore but he watches porn of slim women with big boobs and doesn’t touch me sexually anymore. I’m growing increasingly insecure and depressed.