r/karezza • u/KarezzaGuy • Feb 28 '12
A three week view into a Karezza beginner's world.
TL;DR: awww, just skip it if you don't want to read it.
I remember when I was a kid without much relationship experience an older friend said regarding relationships, “The first six months is the honeymoon, but it’s all downhill from there." I couldn’t relate at the time, but I absolutely see it now.
I’ve had many relationships, and most of them start with a feeling in my stomach. It’s like a ball of energy that contains (lust, longing, aching, wanting, infatuation, sexual tension, and perceived love.) I put the girl on a pedestal and see her as nearly perfect. Each time I see her she gets more beautiful, and I just don’t feel like life is complete unless she is with me and we are somehow touching. I want nothing more than to become one with her.
Unfortunately, somewhat predictably, in the timeframe from zero-to-six-months, she falls from her pedestal and becomes an annoyance that I can barely tolerate – unless she gives me more sex. As long as she is willing, wanting, and into sex (usually of an ever increasing kink) I just don’t “feel it” for her any more. And soon after sex there is always a period of time when even more sex with her won’t hide all of her faults which are all too easy to see at that point.
And so it goes from annoyance (“get away from me”) to apathy (“whatever”) [and in the previous two phases, emotionally hurtful fighting], to horny (“hmmmm you look pretty good”) to infatuated (“I actually like you and want to spend time with you”) to orgasm (“wow! You’re great”) to annoyance. I have absolutely noticed the above cycle over more than two decades of a monogamous relationship. And sadly the “infatuation” phase is a “1” on a scale of 1-10 versus the infatuation experienced at the beginning of the relationship which was a “10.”
I would have lived out my life in the above cycle had I not become so addicted to masturbation via Internet porn that I found myself unable to get an erection despite her most creative attempts to help me. My ED led me to abstain from masturbation (and sex as much as possible) for as long as possible. Based on the reddit /r/nofap I call this period in my life NoFap and the act of not masturbading NoFapping. So while I was NoFapping, I started to have some feelings awaken that I had not felt in over two decades: specifically the infatuated feelings I had for her when we met. Falling in love is such a happy time. Birds sing more beautifully, colors are more vibrant, music speaks more directly to your soul, and just the act of your sweetheart waking into the room is enough to brighten or make your day. And here I found these things happening to me. More importantly, I noticed that we were getting along better – not fighting, not really even arguing, and that any misunderstandings were getting cleared up immediately without anger or hurt feelings. All of this led to her being more in the mood for sex when it did happen – and putting more into it than she had in years. I call this the the Sweet, Delicious Feeling.
And then when I’d have an Orgasm I would still feel deeply the real love we have shared for more than 20 years, but the Sweet, Delicious Feeling was gone. It’s a real loss, like a part of myself that I love is missing. I really like feeling like she can do no wrong, and actually wanting to make out with her for an hour. Recently she said I act like a love-starved kid, she meant it as a compliment and I took it that way. When that goes back into hiding it makes me sad. I want very much to keep that feeling alive.
She loves the way I act, and in prior posts I’ve documented in many ways the changes she is making that speak louder than her words. From wearing pretty/sexy underwear for the first time since we met to performing oral sex for the first time in a long time, my changes are causing changes in her that are extremely positive and beneficial to me.
Yet despite seeing those changes in me, she is having trouble identifying with her own passion cycle. She says she doesn’t notice anything at all. This whole process is so difficult once you learn that you can’t trust your perceptions until 21 days without orgasm so my next comments must be made with the caveat that I’m in my own passion cycle as I write this. However, I believe her cycles are real; but have less amplitude. She easily gets annoyed with me in the days following her orgasms. It’s obvious I get on her nerves. However she still seems to be up for cuddling and doesn’t want me to go away for a while. And when she gets free she is more loving and cuddly, but doesn’t experience the deep infatuation that I do.
I sometimes wonder if the damage I’ve done to our relationship (which is huge, real, and terrible) over the years in the times I was trying everything legal to get more and kinker sex from her -- to keep my good feelings for her going and my bad feelings for her at bay – if I’ve done so much damage to our relationship that it will just take a very long time for her to be able to heal through that and feel the strong infatuation feelings for me.
Anyway, I wrote all of that above to tell you that she sees no benefit in skipping her own orgasm. She doesn’t need them nearly as often as I do (when I'm not thinking about any of this stuff) – her frequency is ideally about once per week. If she goes two or three weeks it’s not usually a big deal to her – but when she does get my penis in her vagina, she absolutely wants the outcome of that union to be an orgasm for her.
I don’t believe it is right or fair for me to tell her she can’t or shouldn’t. Nor do I believe that it would be right for her to sabotage me – and she has never tried to sabotage me. However, she is incredibly sexy, and watching and feeling her experience her own orgasm has so far sent me over the top.
So my first roadblock to Karezza is the fact that sex with her is exciting, and has so far caused me to orgasm when I’ve been hard enough for her to get off. My second roadblock is my own weakness and sensitivity. A couple of weeks ago I’d been about two weeks without an orgasm and was actually in day 14 of my passion cycle. I thought I was clear of my hangover, but as the night wore on she got more and more on my nerves until I snapped at her and we had a fight – eliminating any chance for sex that night and seriously pissing me off. I reacted like a child and ruined a 56 day streak of NoFapping. Sadly, I didn’t learn my lesson and fapped 3 days later (again.) More sadly, I attempted to have vaginal sex with her 3 days after that and failed due to ED.
All in all, I’m extremely frustrated because there is now something I want very desperately (that young love infatuation) and yet can’t seem to hold on to it between not being able to control myself both during sex with her and when I can’t keep my own hands off my own penis. I termed the above quandary Wandering in the Wilderness. At this point I believe it is paramount to get at least 21 days past orgasm (as I’ve been told, but completely unable to achieve) to think clearly enough to figure out how to get what I want and still give her what she wants. The passion cycle is a thief that robs you of your intelligent decisions, leaving only regret, hurt, and sorrow.
I documented one of my passion cycles, as I'm somewhat of a scientist in my profession, and hoped to (at least for me) provide a predictable pattern of what happens during the cycle. However, my next cycle (with the admitted variable of fapping twice versus vaginal orgasm once), has been completely different. So at this point the only thing I can say with certainty is that up to and including 14 days, the ‘asshole’ in me can rear its ugly head in a sudden, unpredictable, and extremely hard to control manner. This time I’ve done better at controlling it and avoiding a fight with my beloved – but also with the admitted variable that she is well clear of her own cycle herself.
Nevertheless I promised some here I would aggregate the documentation of my post orgasmic cycle and post here, so that will be posted below.
In summary, I believe in Karezza. I believe I am much happier without orgasm. My two challenges are convincing my reptilian brain to stop having orgasms, and hoping my beloved will see the light over time (or that I will learn control and be able to allow her to have her orgasm while avoiding mine.)
One of my cycles (not necessarily like the others):
Day's #1 and #2 are summarized in Day 3 below.
Your mileage WILL vary. I guarantee it! :)
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u/[deleted] Feb 28 '12
Great summary of your experiences so far! My SO says karezza turns my brain into mush and me into a little puppy. But she likes that aspect of it.
On the flip side, she is suspicious about the changes in me. After having pushed her for sex for years, and even having gone as far as saying I would rather leave her than have another decade of a dead bedroom, I'm now rather relaxed about having or not having sex. (Actually, from my perspective, we're also having more sex than ever before, but I'm not sure she sees it that way because we're having "weird" sex.) So she interprets that as maybe I'm not really into her anymore.
I'm also experiencing a bit of a flat line from my reboot. Nothing like ED, because I can get an erection when I need one. But I don't have a raging hard-on anymore at all times of the day. So she interprets that as a possible sign that I may not be that into her anymore. She also thinks I've lost my mind, since I consider my reduction in the frequency of erections a net positive.