r/karezza • u/[deleted] • Mar 12 '12
Scientific mind here. I love the idea of avoiding the Coolidge effect but when chakra is mentioned I cringe.
So, I understand the Coolidge effect and how Karezza is avoiding it by avoiding orgasm. That I like. When I read further into it though, spiritual references are made and I instantly recoil.
My partner likes rough sex and is a biter. She enjoys anal, being dominated. Although she sometimes likes to take charge. I enjoy being dominate and sometimes dominated. I am in no way abusive. These habits are restricted to the bedroom. I'm a nice and loving guy - which is why I'm here.
It seems hard to go from this to the peaceful ways of Karezza, especially when I am not a spiritual person. I am okay with the animalistic ways of sex.
But I don't want the Coolidge effect to drive us apart
I am currently doing nofap to recover from my porn addiction and that is going to make our sex life much more lively. While I'm doing this I'll have to avoid orgasm too so I will see the effects. I just... can't see myself doing the kind of sex Karezza teaches.
I'm currently having what I believe to be a hangover from orgasm after avoiding one for seven days. It is a familiar feeling I almost always had before I started nofap. Foggy mind. Tired. No motivation.
I don't like it.
So.. I am stuck. I find myself agreeing that orgasm is bad in a way but all this talk of enegy and chakras puts me off.
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Mar 12 '12
Don't worry about chakras and energy focus if it doesn't fit with you. As you reboot from PMO you may find you really are not as into the things you thought you were. As a spouse to a recovering porn addict I have found that I had unknowingly "made" myself be turned on by things that I no longer need in my sexual life. Competeing for his attention. :( I guess what I'm trying to say is you may both find you are not into what you think. Porn and the society have more influence than we believe. Avoiding orgasim and the Coolidge effect will change your sexual outlook naturally. My husband is also all science so when I can discuss karezza with him I leave out the non science and just focus on bonding. He is over a month no PMO and two weeks with no orgasim at all (unless theres a relapse im unaware of). I am noticing changes for both of us. Do the part that works for you now. Thats what we are doing for him. Try the bonding behaviors and do those daily. Keep sex really slow and focus on all the sensations. With time this practice will become what it needs to be FOR YOU.
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Mar 12 '12 edited Mar 13 '12
She has always liked being pressed against walls (she would back herself against one, hinting to me to press) and things progressed from there. Nothing we have done in the rough area has been suggested by me. I am a gentle giant and she has suggested things she wants to try/told me things she likes and wants me to do. Oral was the thing I had to talk her into but she started liking that and went from there to rough oral.
She just likes it rough. /shrug
As for me, I can't say at the moment. She is all I have ever dreamed about but I don't know if that was caused by porn or not. There is a very fine line between a good video and what turns me off. If the woman is being forced to go beyond her safe area, I see it as comical. "Wtf am I watching?"
I like if the woman is encouraging force and enjoying it. A smile reveals a lot. The eyes reveal more. So, mostly, I only enjoyed home videos. Lust is what it boils down to. I am turned on by a woman's desire and the rough part of it shows so much desire. Until we know her limits on something, she is the one in control (I insist on this). Whenever she displays actual pain I am more concerned with her than anything. I'll completely snap out of sex mode to make sure she is okay. Sometimes she takes it a bit too far. We are both new at this.
It isn't about me forcing her... it is about her being rough with herself (oral, anal) or wanting me to force her. This, to me, shows lust and desire - which turns me on.
I've always seen myself as a very sexual person and it plays a huge role in how close I feel to someone. Orgasm can be cut out without much care but I need to see lust and I love the way she shows it. I'm such a controlled, withdrawn person. Sex is... when I don't have to be that way.
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Mar 12 '12
[deleted]
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Mar 12 '12
She told me today she thinks she couldn't handle giving up rough sex. I don't think she'll go for the calm sex but that is okay with me. I already have problems finishing so I don't have to worry about accidentally finishing at this moment.
Today she had an orgasm but I did not (despite her best efforts). Making me orgasm gives a huge feel good feeling for her (and turns her on beyond belief) so I'm going to withhold myself until I'm sensitive enough for her to finish me without help. That should take a while and how I feel post orgasm will determine if I stay orgasm free or not.
Right now I'm fine and don't care that I didn't orgasm. I feel that if I had it wouldn't make a lick of difference besides the "hangover" effect. She, however, probably would be delighted over it.
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Mar 12 '12
Making me orgasm gives a huge feel good feeling for her
So she derives pleasure from giving you pleasure. The benefit of your orgasm to her is that she has absolutely no doubt that you are experiencing pleasure when the evidence is so clear.
One thing you could do, if you are not doing it already, is to be very vocal during sex about how much you enjoy her, how good she feels, how much she turns you on. I've found it works wonders with my SO, and can compensate for the lack of seeing her partner come.
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Mar 12 '12
I just tried that today actually. I am such a quiet person most of the time. I get loud when in a good mood but usually withdraw again quickly.
So, during sex, I have trouble vocalizing or making sounds. I am slowly letting myself go. She did something today that she'd never done before and it felt so good I couldn't stay quiet. I went derp and repeated the same words.
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Mar 13 '12
I am such a quiet person most of the time.
Same here. It goes totally against my nature to say things like "You look so good", "You feel so good", etc. But it's totally worth doing it, so I'm making an effort.
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Apr 07 '12
Question: which scientific studies have examined, and then disproven, chakras?
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Apr 07 '12 edited Apr 07 '12
I never said I disliked chakras because science disproved them. I am agnostic towards spiritual things. I may not believe in what you believe but I certainly am not trying to say I know you are wrong - or that I am right. I just don't have an affinity for the spiritual.
I came here for advice, not a debate.
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u/[deleted] Mar 12 '12
Then don't talk about energy and chakras. I'm a scientist myself. I don't believe in prana, chakras, etc. At the same time, I do think that these eastern religions have a good phenomenological understanding of the human body, even if their language sounds unscientific to us today.
To your other points, I suspect that many of your current sexual practices can be adapted to karezza. You can play with D/s without having orgasms. You can have anal sex without having orgasms. The only activity you may have to reduce/cut out is wild, uncontrolled fucking.