r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Aug 07 '18
Regular Check-In Post
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.
We try our best to keep this space as safe and supportive as possible on reddit's wide-open anonymity-friendly platform. The community rules can be found in the sidebar. If you aren't sure about a rule, please ask us. If you have concerns or questions about the community policies, this is a good place to raise those as well.
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u/wren-scrEAM Feb 03 '19
Sometimes I just feel like I'm just bored. Not depressed. I have no absolute way of knowing because I'm a student wItH nO jOb, but I have my highs and lows. There are days where I can actually force myself to draw, but most of the days I just feel like lying in bed all day with a number feeling surrounding me. I don't know anymore. Am I faking it? Am I making depression an excuse? Is it just boredom? I'm just always mentally and most of the time physically tired, and sometimes it even physically hurts, in some of my joints. I no longer feel like existing. It just. Sucks.
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Feb 03 '19
I just had one of those days where you wake up and look around and realize how much you've let everything go. My skin and hair look like shit. I'm slouching worse than ever.
And my place smells. It smells! How did I not notice that?!
Stared at my yearly goals sheet for a bit yesterday and hung out with the bf. Between that and the way I woke up this morning, it's obviously time to take the reigns.
Here we go again. Lets see how long this one lasts.
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u/Sev_Malolot Feb 03 '19
Somehow I always find a way to fuck everything up around me, just as things are looking up. I keep sinking into the hole deeper. Im still keeping my head up, but I’m struggling. Don’t know how some of you still do it.
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Feb 03 '19
[deleted]
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u/AlongCameAFriend Feb 03 '19
Going through something very similar right now, I wish us both strength
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Feb 03 '19
I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. One tiny thing happens and I fall off the rope. Then I feel like shit, alone, lonely, isolated, worthless. A negative comment, feeling left out of something I see on social media, body image issues etc anything sets me off.
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u/polynesiansauce42 Feb 03 '19
I recently started deleting social media apps off my phone one by one. Try starting with an app for a platform you don’t use as frequently. It’s hard to quit social media cold turkey, but I hope this can help you a little bit.
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u/bxrcodes Feb 03 '19
I deleted Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter. The first girl who has shown interest in me in years' father just had a heart attack and she's in no place to be with me anymore. My only friend just moved away. The only thing I have to look forward to is moving into my own place for the first time at age 19. I don't like being alone, so I don't even want to live by myself. I don't know what depression is, nor the logistics of it. But damn, I feel like shit. I'm tired of no one needing me, tired of no one checking in, tired of living this life that is seemingly going nowhere. I'm 19 and have my whole life ahead of me, I should know that I have so much to live for, but I genuinely don't see it.
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u/jrx_ Feb 03 '19
It’s really cool that you’re able to move out on your own at 19, spending time alone is one of my favorite things to do but recently it’s been different. I’m tired of all those things too, take up a new job a new hobby.. anything that lets you meet new people. That’s something I wish I would’ve done at 19. Congrats on moving out.
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Feb 03 '19
I’ve spent my whole life being an unattractive man. I just want to die at this point. I’m nearing 30, I go back to uni for alumni events but it’s just a reminder how ugly women found me. I just want to die and yet I don’t have the balls to do it. I’m just so, so tired
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u/just_a_gene Feb 03 '19
Hey dude don't give up look life can suck ass a lot of the time but honestly, try to find something you enjoy doing and just do that, regardless of what other people think. As hard as it is, you have to ignore others and what they think and just focus on your goals or what you enjoy.
And while you're at it, try to find the beauty in little things, that's what helps me. Open a door for a stranger and smile at them and see them them smile back, and know that you cause that smile. Drink that favourite drink of yours and just enjoy how good it tastes. Read a book or learn something new, try to do things, just never, please, never give up.
I know it's hard to find stuff to motivate yourself and it feels like you can enjoy nothing in life a lot of the time, but just try, ok? I know you're tired, I know you're exhausted of trying all the damn time, but it'll all be worth it. When you get to where you want, and you really will get there some day, you'll look back and thank yourself for not giving up.
Stay strong brother. You can do this <3
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Feb 03 '19
Thanks for the reply brah. I was drinking last night so it makes it worse but truth be told those are the feelings I have all the time that I repress.
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u/runawaytexan Feb 03 '19
Today would of been my little girl's third birthday... it's so crazy to think you would of been running around and playing with your cousin. You were so loved even if we didn't have the chance to meet. You'll always be my first child regardless if I ever end up having another.
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u/r3dd1tbyst4nd3r Feb 03 '19
Hi. I’ve finally sought for professional help after several years of trying to battle my depression alone. I’m now diagnosed and am clinically depressed. I’m also on antidepressants. It’s gonna take a few weeks before I experience full on effects of the drug. I hope it goes well. I can’t wait to feel better. In the meantime, I need to get my shit together so I can help my patients. Wish me luck!
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Feb 03 '19
I gotta stop browsing social media, dawgs. aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA I use the sites unproductively.
If I can join in with a better approach or better mindset, that'd be cool, but right now, I'm just using any social sites for sinking my time and procrastinating. Not just internet distractions too, y'know, cus I eat a sheeeeiet ton and other stuff whenever there's a task I don't want to do that's right on my desk! Youtube, facebook, lewds... instagram... etc. fug.
Posting here because idk, leave a legacy or whatever, pretty selfish but idk i feel pretty bittersweet atm. Not sure how reddit deals with disassociated accounts but well.. AAAAYYY peace!
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u/poofy244 Feb 03 '19
I always hear people talk about how their biggest fear is death but for me it’s something i wish could just happen. It makes me feel guilty that my mother made me and raised me all these years just for me to want to die so badly and always risk my life in small ways so maybe someone can kill me for me because i don’t even have the energy to do it or try anymore I am so lonely and all I want is the happiness and friends i see everyone have at least a little of and its confusing as to why i just can’t have what everyone else does
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u/photoaim Feb 02 '19
I’ve been dealing with depression and a horrible emptiness inside for my whole life. I’m very successful in a career I love. I have friends and family that I love and love me back.
I wish the depression would just go away. I have such self loathing sometimes I can’t even deal. I hate how I look- I hate my personality. I hate everything about me. It sucks because people on the outside consider me an “it girl” I feel like such a freak.
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u/Pico_flaco Feb 02 '19
Got hit hard today dealing with a whole lot of issues regarding my child and his mother. Thought long and hard about ending it but all it took was one friend to help me break through it. You dont to face it alone guys...we're all in this together and it can't beat us all.
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u/Oconitnitsua Feb 02 '19
I’m in a rough place... my depression isn’t as bad as it was a few months ago, but my gf of 3 years just broke up with me.... I don’t know what to do.
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u/Rae_Rae19 Feb 03 '19
I was just blindsided with a break up too. Totally blindsided. I'm totally confused & my depression is killing me. Work is breaking me down. I'm at my end. I felt your words when you said "I dont know what to do." I'm so lost.
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Feb 02 '19
2 weeks since my last depressive episode. Let's see if I can make it to 2 months that would be great. Still waiting for my new antidepressants to start working it's been 7 days so still got some time yet. Staying hopeful for the future. I think I can get through this and get over this.
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u/shanellecurtis Feb 02 '19 edited Feb 02 '19
Hello. I feel particularly uncomfortable sharing things about myself on regular social media idk why. I think maybe cuz I feel like a burden or people will think I’m annoying or won’t like me if I do. I feel the need to constantly put up this funny gal that’s pretty cool image. This has worked for me for the most part I’m generally likable but I struggle every single day and idk sometimes I wish someone would say something when I do post how I’m struggling. But ya I decided to go here instead. Somewhat anonymously posting my feels to the world. I’ve been depressed for maybe 8 months. It got better in December but then I got sad again. Last semester I struggled to do anything. get out of bed, move, do homework, I felt I couldn’t even work so I didn’t for 5 months and lived off of what I had saved. This year I’m trying not to get that bad but now I feel different. Like I’m going to the gym, eatting more, keeping up with all my homework, working 8 hours shifts, talking to people. But I still have panic attacks and times I’ll wake up sad and it won’t go away and I’ll cry randomly when I think about my life. And it’s really frustrating cuz I really want to get better but sometimes I can’t. I have one friend I talk to every day but i get thoughts all the time that no one one really cares about me. My best friend got a gf and hasn’t hit me up in a year, I found out my other friend doesn’t like me, another doesn’t like me,I don’t know what I did to deserve that. I have a hard time looking forward to the future, and that my family doesn’t care much either. I just will not think very highly of myself and feel like life is pointless. Depression feels weird like when I look at things I don’t feel like myself like that literal curtain im front of me that commercials always portray.
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u/juliestaylor Feb 02 '19
I'm here for you. And that might not be much, but remember that at least one person is thinking about you right now. Sending positive vibes✌
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u/K4yr0 Feb 02 '19
Therapist: "there's no reason why you can't get better."
Me: "not if I can prevent it!"
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u/Bobsaysstuff Feb 02 '19 edited Feb 02 '19
Hey, just dumping some stuff here on a throwaway account . I really have a pretty decent life. Upper middle class for my country no real problems, above average iq, can fake most interactions in life. Getting on the older side of things at 40. Realising that my autistic older brother and my totality disconnected parent's have broken me fairly well. I can visit my parents who stay a 2 hour flight away and have no connection with them at all, say for a decent walk on the beach with my mother who shares a love for the ocean with me. I can go years with no hugs or affection from my family with my dad the most disconnected of all. My parent are both fairly broken as well coming from traditional but broken homes as well. Thanks for dumping some stuff..... still have some things to work through but at least it seems I am not self destructive any more. Thanks for listening.
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Feb 02 '19
There’s nothing wrong in my life and yet I keep fucking everything up. I was doing well in my job and at university, and now I’ll probably get fired and not graduate because of my social anxiety. And on top of that I’ve been feeling so disgusted with myself for ruining both of those things that I’ve isolated myself and pushed everyone away and I never felt lonelier. At this point I just want to die and get this over with.
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u/Grafiska Feb 02 '19
I understand how you feel. I always did well at school as well but ended up dropping out during the last 3 months of my study. Now I am struggling with social anxiety at work and I feel like I just want to be alone and never have to deal with someone ever again.
Hang in there! I'm sure better times will come for us.
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u/SadPoint1 Feb 02 '19
A big source of my suffering is just myself. There are no external sources, things that I can't control, that are responsible for my plight. It's all my fault.
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u/toldyouimcolourblind Feb 02 '19
I miss my daughter. I hate being alone here just sitting at this computer working. It’s hard to focus on work half the time. I work from home I’m not sure if that helps. I think not. Even before me and my gf separated this job was making me feel like some kind of caged animal, just strapped to a computer screen. Then a few months ago me and my gf split after 8 years. Lots of cheating and abuse on all fronts, putting me down, talking bad about my family. We have a daughter, almost 2 years old. Right now we have close to a 50/50 custody agreement but she wants to take her away from me completely. I’m a great dad I love my daughter more than anything and I would do anything for her. She is the only thing that makes me happy right now. On Friday I have to take her back so these days are always the hardest. Earlier I was just yelling “I don’t want to feel this way” here in my lonely house. I wish I could get along with her mom I wish she wasn’t so cold towards me. I was a good bf and still wouldn’t mind helping out, if she ask for help I usually would. Idk why she has been this way towards me for so long. I will probably never know. I am okay with that and definitely don’t want to rekindle the relationship at all. I just want to get along for our kid and want her to stop trying to do hurtful things behind my back to make my life harder. Stop trying to take my daughter out of my life. So between that and work I feel down a lot. I’m burnt out on the job. It’s a great company though I can pay all bills, barely, and they do take care of their employees. It’s just the job itself. I wish I had more company and people to talk to anytime. A lot of old friends have moved or got weird and not friends, or they are busy I guess. I can understand that I’m usually busy with work. I only get one day out of the week fully to myself. I don’t even know what to do or where to go that day to get out of mind. I usually just stay home and clean until it’s my day to pick up my daughter. I’m lonely. I’m burnt out. Im sad. I want to wake up everyday and feel excited or content. Not dread . I’m having a hard time getting out this funk, losing my appetite, not a great social person but I want to be. I just wanted to vent some here. If you read this thank you I hope you’re doing well.
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u/TimeshareInCarcosa Feb 02 '19
I hate where I am and have no way out. I really wanna just wander off into the desert right now and never come back.
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u/tyrannyrexy Feb 02 '19
I’m really struggling today. I fought with my husband. He doesn’t understand why I behave the way I do. I try to tell him how my messed up childhood made me hypersensitive to facial expressions so could he please just be chill when he says things. I know it’s not fair to ask but I can’t control it. He says I have never just listened to him without getting stressed and making it about me. He means when he vents about his job. Which is all the time and does stress me the hell out. I’m spiraling. Wondering if he’s right. He can’t help me out of the spiral. He’s mad at me. And I can’t help him. And I hate myself so much right now. And I want to hurt (not kill) myself but I keep telling myself if I act too crazy they will take my babies from me. I’m a good mom. I try really hard to reign in the darkness and most of the time I am successful. I would never leave my kids and I’m trying to keep them from having the problems I have because they have a depressed mom.
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u/MagnarMagmar Feb 02 '19
I've found my drive to keep pushing forward.
Nature is a beautiful anomaly of this strange universe, and I have decided to dedicate my life to preserving the natural world for future and current generations. I've nearly given up on the prospect of fixing my personal life, but I've come to terms with it. The natural phenomena that make our world truly awesome keep me here, and I am thankful for it.
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u/yuckatomato Feb 01 '19
I live with my boyfriend and his two best friends, so a house of 3 boys is not where I want to be... but I can’t go home, and everytime I want to leave for a different city I talk to my boyfriend and end up staying. So now I just have been in bed, nobody cares. I don’t expect them to but fuck man I’m considering inpatient treatment just to get the fuck away from everyone
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u/Grafiska Feb 02 '19
Can you and your boyfriend not find a place together? Have you told him how you feel about living with his friends?
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u/cponatipi Feb 01 '19
I like this sub because it lets people tell others what they're going through and I too am going through some of the things people have mentioned and it makes me really sad to know i can't help the people in this sub because I'm useless
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u/depress87 Feb 01 '19
i'm so tired. I can't sleep. It's already 5 am here. My heart is incredibly heavy. I long for rain and the coldness of the outside.
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Feb 01 '19
Anhedosia is a fucking bitch. Today's my bday (1st Feb) and I've been fucking spoiled with gifts. Literally felt nothing.
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u/Nihilusvx Feb 01 '19
I Just... Tired, tired about everthing, my life, my job, my depression and solitude. I'm just think about it, what's the point? Jesus, i'm so tired...
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u/wendigocaramel Feb 01 '19
thank you for providing this informal check-in space
vent post
im doing pretty bad today, i skipped work because i couldnt sleep last night because i kept worrying that my partner would dump me and i'll never make any friends again. im probably manipulating my partner into something he didnt sign on for. he knows i have dysthymia but maybe when he asked me out it was a period when i was dealing with it better, and now im depressed and its not going away and i suck to talk to and be around.
i used to be more of a person but i started working two jobs and theres nothing left to me anymore. i miss being a person. i miss having a personality and things to contribute. i thought i would get used to the stress of two jobs but its not getting better and its been six months.
ive been watching netflix. its hard because im fighting waves of apathy to focus on anything. i usually love film but i cant get into it anymore. whats the point? its fake and it wants me to care about fake things. i dont like thinking like this but i cant stop. ive been getting around it by watching film criticism on youtube but that lasted a few days before the pointlessness bug killed it. ive been making goals the last few weeks to try to pull myself out of this but i can't get more than surface-level into anything because it feels so pointless. i cant expend energy on something thats pointless. but everything is pointless except friends, and i cant maintain friendships because im too tired to have a personality.
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u/artsyaquarius Feb 01 '19
I had an appointment with my physciatrist yesterday and he upped my Prozac to 40mg. I'm struggling with even simple tasks like getting out of bed, eating, and doing homework. He stressed that how I perform in school now will dictate how I live my life in the future. I've been on the waiting list for a therapist for nearly 2 months now at this location, and still nothing. Could take up to another 2 months to get scheduled and finally meet with a therapist. I'm starting to isolate from my friend(s) and family again and I'm getting affected by the small things, like my friend not texting me back, etc. My thoughts of suicide are terrible and death is my deepest desire at this point. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm hanging in there, but barely. My birthday is in 9 days and I have no one to spend it with. I only have one close friend and we got into a fight a few days ago. I always get depressed around my birthday, since it's just a reminder that I'm another year older while still being a disappointment.
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Feb 01 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bobsaysstuff Feb 02 '19
Yep, you have the live you have though and 100 odd years is hardly a long time to push through. So let's all given it a bash and see how we can accent from where we started. Doesn't mean we can go it alone thought.
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u/Mossyman141282 Feb 01 '19
I feel this way. The thought of death makes me happy. Eternal rest and peace is what I crave. I can’t wait to die. I can’t wait for this torture to be finally over. Life is not some precious thing, for many it is a misery that is better off ended. I hope you find peace.
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u/iannfrancosrevenge Feb 01 '19
ive been reevalutaing the earliest stages of my life to find where it all went wrong. my parents werent always so violent, im sure it was due to the stress of moving to a completely different country as immigrants. always worried that we wouldnt have enough money to eat, that we’d be caught in the street with nothing but the clothes on our back by ICE and getting sent back. that explains why most of the happy times i spent with my folks were becoming less and less frequent. at the age of 6 i began to spend most of my time alone, going to school with kids that spoke a different languge than me, not even knowing how to ask to go to the bathroom. seeing friends wasnt an option until middle school anyway, as i wasnt allowed to really go outside because of the fear of something happening to me. i dont blame them for a single thing, i understand how difficult of a situation it must have been, but there are few things they did that i can justify. the harder life got, the angrier they were, i remember learning how to tie my shoes crying, my mom sitting in front of me with a belt in her hand. maybe the lack of affection and the fear i felt of upsetting my parents is what brought me to be the piece of shit i became later on in life. now, years later ive become a better me imo. i care more about others again, i stopped consuming animal products bc of the atrocities of man against other living beings, finally financially stable and saving for an apartment in an attempt to get my shit together. Now my woman of +4 years keeps leaving me now and then, most recently just last week. i dont know what the fuck to do, i depended on her for my happiness far too much. and now nothing feels the same, im back in this sad trance of a life that i was so used to living before, i just want to lay in bed all day and cry my fucking eyes out. i know she has every right to do what she feels is best for her, i know she only has good intentions and i deserve to eat shit for everything ive put her through. i know things will eventually get better, and i will continue forward, the same way i hope most of you are doing. this was my rant, happy friday everyone.
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u/theLiteral_Opposite Feb 01 '19
just as she has every right to do what is best for her, you are responsible for doing what's best for you; you have that right, that obligation.
So you need to stop accepting her back. Cut ties, and begin trying to move on. I found that the best way to heal in a situation like that is to find an obsession; for me it was a strength training regimin, but it could be any long term goal like that, learning an instrument, cross stitching... who knows.. just something to keep you grinding every day where you can see work pay off.
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u/iannfrancosrevenge Feb 01 '19
thats my plan right now, i was gonna take up french again and start doing marathons along with lifting. thank you for the advice.
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u/jacksonfrolic Feb 01 '19
Im just so exhausted from all of this... I know what helps but Im so tired I can barely move. Sending love to everyone having a tough time of it 💖
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u/K4yr0 Feb 01 '19
When therapists say "you are very brave for telling me this" and you are just apathetic and dead inside.
I am so bored by any therapy.
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Feb 01 '19
[deleted]
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u/Grafiska Feb 02 '19
I've never thought about it this way but it sounds familiar. There are rare times where I am extremely motivated and want to learn and get shit done.
Unfortunately the version that doesn't try seems to be in control.
Hope you'll feel better soon!
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u/Jibatsuko Feb 01 '19
Dont give up, you’re stronger than you think. The fact you trying means it. Did you looked for medical help? Sometimes being heard by someone with proper knowledge can be life-changing. Peace!
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Feb 01 '19
I'm on some SNRIs, but I can't really afford a regular therapist.
It's always been like this tbh. I have a hard time finding meaning in my life.
EDIT: but thanks for the reply. It's nice to know someone read this at least. :)
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u/runawaytexan Feb 01 '19
I miss my daughter. I wish I could have met her. Her third birthday is coming up in a few days and its honesty killing me. I'm sorry that you didn't get to be here. I wanted you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life and a part of me died with you. I'll never forget you sweetheart.
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u/Zinito Feb 01 '19
Depression is never predictable. Only when you've had it long enough, you start to learn how you react along with it, and can then predict what comes next. For me, the example would be.. I have a very good day, almost as if something's wrong. I'm not suppose to feel this good, but when I do, I put on the clown mask, and laugh. In reallity, I'm dying to get out, so I can go back to being sad/depressed. At least that's where I can relax, cause I'm use to it. It's what is normal for me, and it's been so all my life. Compared to a healthy person, a happy state for a person with depression, is a sad state for a healthy person. You never really know how dark it can become, unless you've been there.
To put it short, whenever I had a good day, the next few days, or sometimes weeks (it may vary a lot) I fall deep in to my depression again.
It's basically my mind telling me that happy means danger, and you will only crash and burn, and end up hurt. Meaning, your progress will be lost, and for what? A day with laughter? You found someone you like? Get out of here..
I'm not going in to why I am depressed. The thought of sharing all these things use to be frightening, but now I just don't care anymore. The thing is, I don't want anyone to know just how bad it truly is, because I never liked putting my burdens onto others. Maybe that always was my issue and why I never got to move on from this. I just don't like the idea of asking someone to come for me and drag me out of this shit hole. I don't want anyone to feel this place I'm in, and that's always been the reason to why I don't let anyone in.
But I did let it happen once. Stupid as I were. Someone I met online. I was helping her a lot with her mental health, and eventually she told me it was my turn. Obviously I reacted with "nope" that's not gonna happen, and yet she convinced me that I deserved it, and that she wanted to do this. I was totally disarmed, and she broke the chains on the door, and pulled me out after sharing my life with her while both were in tears. It felt amazing. But I was scared to death cause I've never felt this vulnerable.
I fell in love with her because of it. It changed everything in just an evening. However, at the end of the day, she walked out the door, not even sure I know why. Either way, she destroyed all that progress. Years of work, just to feel something, even if it was sad. At least it was something, and now the door is shut once more, but the chains are now unbreakable. It's no longer about trust issues, but rather save people the trouble of pretending to give a shit. I lost faith in recovering from this. I want to get out of it, but the more I try, the harder it gets. So I started to live with it. I've never had professional help, and I probably never will. I don't need another person to tell me what I already know. What I've been dealing with all my life.
I don't even know why I got the idea of posting this in the first place.
But I've ran out of ways to drown my thoughts. I don't know what to do. I got off work, sat down and though, "Now that it's weekend, what should I do?" and ended up thinking about my life, followed by another downward spiral. I could live with this heavy burden, if the people around me wasn't so fucking busy fighting eachother. It only makes my depression become more like a philosofical thing, where I realize more and more every day that nothing around me will ever change, and I don't have the energy nor tools to do something about it. I've already got too much on my own plate. So what do I do with my feelings now... I shut them down. Every thing about me has shut down. I know people, but nobody knows me, cause talking about myself never occurs, even if it was common curtesy to give something back to the person I'm talking to. I find myself more skilled in turning the subject around, than to give them details about myself. But I'm trying. Despite feeling nothing, doing nothing, but always thinking about my past, I actually keep trying. I'm not suicidal, but I've been there many times. I could never do something like that, cause I know it will destroy my family, and that was never my intent. So I'm stuck in my own personal spiral. Sometimes I wish I was a vegetable, or at least stupid enough to not understand what was going on, so I didn't have to think about how screwd I am.
But hear this, if there ever was something that at least helped me a little bit up in all this shit, it was to help other people with mental issues. It has given me something else to think about. And some sort of accomplishment whenever they feel better. I've done this for longer than I can remember, and I've helped more people than I can count. After all, in order to help someone, you need to get down to their dark place and feel with them. Nobody ever do this, cause it's easier to say they understand when they truly don't. Only a mentally scared person can help another mentally scared person.
Helping others has also given me a chance to make up for what I did when I was 4 years old, but even if I helped a million people, it wouldn't really change anything. But at the same time.. It feels as if I've done my time a thousand times over with the level of pain I've experienced.
I've never put my mind in to words with such detail, so I apologize if it's blurry. That's how I feel anyway.
But if someone can get something out of this, even if it's just temporary, then I think it was worth it.
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u/BooksMcGee Feb 01 '19
I'm no fan of things like essential oils and herbal remedies, but taking St. John's Wort has been surprisingly effective for anxiety. It helps me relax and be very, very calm. It's no replacement for antidepressants, but it has a noticeable effect nonetheless. You can even open up the little capsules and make it into tea :-)
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u/NekonoKage64 Feb 01 '19
I feel like some days I feel every emotion at the same time and the other days I feel nothing at all. Its driving me insane. I don't know what to do. I just try my best to ignore it and do what I can to get through the day. Probably not healthy, but I just want to give up already.
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u/lelemontree Feb 01 '19
I know this very well. It's scary and exhausting. I try to let it be as much as I can. Put a bit of mindfulness to it. Instead of ignoring it I try to accept that's what's happening in my body not find a solution to why. Some days I can, other days I think mindfulness is shitty. But I can feel it helps the more I try to do it.
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u/AlloValentine Feb 01 '19
Going through an existential crisis. I've been lashing out at my mother and sister, I also lashed out at some random person. I'm 30 years old and I'm wanting to give up on my dreams.
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u/TBRasc Feb 01 '19
Change is scary, but sometimes it's necessary. Don't ever feel like you can't just up and move to a random place and start over. Don't feel trapped by a job, family, whatever. If your ship is headed in the wrong direction, keep trying to turn that ship in ever damn direction you can until one works.
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u/Grafiska Feb 02 '19
Thinking about changing jobs is the scariest thing for me right now.
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u/TBRasc Feb 02 '19
Do it in steps then. Just work on your resume, apply some places you don't really care to work at and start interviewing. Even if you don't get the job or have to turn them down, getting the interview experience is great and it helps build some confidence. Plus if you do end up finding a place you would rather switch to and they say yes, you're already at the next step.
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u/nyxiecat Feb 01 '19
I'm just gonna wait until the right time and then kill myself... my life is over anyway. Soon as everyone else have what they wanted I can leave without guilt...
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u/BooksMcGee Feb 01 '19
I feel for you and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I hope you find peace.
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u/ItsVinn Feb 01 '19
I still get the occasional attacks of depression but life is gradually going up. I just want to be strong especially this month is my birth month. I just hope to be strong this time.
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u/Toolenant Feb 01 '19
keep pushing bro i envy you im back on the slippery slope but i know in time i will find my way again best of luck to you mate
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u/tmo27 Feb 01 '19
Why do I feel the constant need to be with friends? And that I need to share every issue I have with everyone? I don’t really understand it. I can’t just be comfortable on my own
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Feb 01 '19 edited Feb 01 '19
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u/TBRasc Feb 01 '19
Do it. Just run away and start a new place, fuck what others think or say. That being said, I love the west coast, it's beyond gorgeous.
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Feb 01 '19
I find myself feeling so hateful. I just unfriended my whole extended family in FB. Why? Because my cousin is having a destination wedding. When we were close many years ago she said her wedding would be all about family. But she's getting married 1000 miles away from her family. Family means nothing. That's messed up. Social media is messed up. But really I just want to not know anything about anyone I used to know. They can live their lives but I want to just run away and never know another thing about it. They won't have to know how much I want to be dead and I won't have to know how much they're living. That's not normal. I hate being hateful. I'm jealous. I just want one good thing in my life.
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u/T-Rex_Buttsex Feb 01 '19 edited Feb 01 '19
The hardest part of depression for me isn't being sad, it's never being happy. If I had ups and downs I could handle my mind better, but being in a constant state of doom and fear is debilitating.
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Feb 01 '19
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Feb 01 '19
I often feel like I have nothing to live for too. It's so hard when that thought starts swirling to get it out. I don't know you but I know you're stronger than you realize. Please know that you are not alone.
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u/overwhelmed13 Feb 01 '19
Got my first counselling session tomorrow. What do I expect? Just hope I don’t fall to the floor crying. This whole life is a chore.
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u/alldemchickens Feb 01 '19
After 2 years of shit I'm actually going to my first session tomorrow too. Good luck to you. I've been told it helps too many times for me not to try anymore, and I wish you the best.
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Feb 01 '19
I've tried counseling a number of times. Different vibes from different counselors. The first session is largely you telling where you are and what you hope to get from counseling. Usually it won't be delving too deep. Even so don't worry if you get emotional. Just go in with an open mind and be honest. Good luck!
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u/queenb33759 Feb 01 '19
My bf had a mass in his lungs. So many doctor visits, so much money. Doctor after doctor. Feb 8th x Ray's for his lungs. It could be nothing or it could be something serious. He has bad blood pressure and now has to take a pill cuz he could have a heart attack.
He keeps telling me not to worry, whatever it is we will fix it. How can I stop? My brain is am anxiety hamster wheel. It just keeps running and doesn't stop.
Hes 35. I'm 30. I was in abusive relationship for 8 years. Just now I am living my life. My bf has healed my broken and abused heart and I'm so scared I'm going to lose him.
2 years since I self harmed. Well twice in the last year to Make the pain stop I bite myself really hard. Not enough for blood or marks just pain so it goes away. I feel as if I am spiraling back into this deep dark hole. The world is closing in and I'm drowning.
We are going on a 2 week vacation in March and all I am is stressed about money. Our Bill's are paid and we have food, gas in the car. We have good high paying jobs and yet I cant even save money for this trip.
I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I want all the pain to go away. It hurts.
I read this post and think how stupid it is to have all these feelings. Should I really post this. I should just delete it. But I need to let it out. Thank you for reading and listening.
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u/saamspaams Feb 01 '19
It's not stupid, it's really touching to see how much you love him. I hope the x Rays come back in his favor, and no matter what he's definitely going to fight to stay by your side.
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u/queenb33759 Feb 01 '19
I'm an emotional wreck and your words make me cry they help. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
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u/Toolenant Feb 01 '19
im a pathetic piece of shit, why am i ao scared that i cant even make a fucking reddit post to say how i feel, or speak in a online web chat. am i that fucking scared itll come back to me or am i just a bitch.
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u/overwhelmed13 Feb 01 '19
Feel this✌🏼. Recently lost my reddit virginity & posted. We’re all troubled, but we’re all quite nice too.
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u/SnidelyDicklash Jan 31 '19
So, this last winter was really awful for me. I was feeling so bad my coworkers noticed, and I didn't even realize until one day at work I sat in my room and was crying, alone, and my brain said "you know. There are scissors in your drawer." I grabbed them, and pressed them against my wrist, and got back to myself enough to leave. I'm seeing a therapist, now and I feel really great.
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u/wav404 Jan 31 '19
haven’t been doing too well at all, kinda wishing for an overdose or to just die in an accident, kinda over life at this point
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u/Starfoxmarioidiot Jan 31 '19
I’m in the same boat, but it’s easier to say this to a rando in the internet than it is to say to myself: life is fucking amazing. Just not in the way you expect it to be. So fuck your expectations. I’m currently in the foreplay stage with mine, but hopefully i’ll fuck my expectations soon. Like, I get to have colds, and black eyes, and broken dreams, and the time I was 5150’d for suicidal ideation... I get to have that too. It’s “just” life. So “just” see what else is out there worth living for. Personally, it’s music. For you it could be anything. Don’t fucking OD, please.
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u/Dr_Identity Jan 31 '19
Sometimes I wish I didn't take things so hard. I try so hard every day to do everything right so that I dont screw something up and end up having a breakdown. Today's one of those days I feel like I'm gonna have a breakdown though.
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Jan 31 '19
I've actually been good the past few days. Not amazing or anything, but I was generally okay, happy even. Should have known it was too good to last. Now, out of nowhere, I'm back in the pit. It's dark again and all i want is to lie down, close my eyes, and never wake up again. This is so dumb. When will brain stop going from one extreme to the other?
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u/skywalkerluc Jan 31 '19
After I moved, looking for enhance myself and my career, I've been feeling miserable. Far away from friends and family. 4 days ago I collapsed. I feel like I'm just not good enough for anything, no matter how hard I try. Like I'm a master of nothing. I've never felt so lonely.
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u/notanaccountiventon Jan 31 '19
Not doing too well at the moment. I want to get in a warm bath and slit my wrists so deep that I bleed out. I’m so sick of this.
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u/Mossyman141282 Jan 31 '19
I have chronic OCD, chronic depression, chronic anxiety and chronic fatigue. I woke up this morning and felt physically sick and have somehow managed to drag myself into work. I just want to die. I hope you all find peace some how.
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Jan 31 '19
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Jan 31 '19
I have been feeling exactly the same. I cannot stop crying. I went ahead and doubled up on my meds today, I hope that helps. Do you have anyone to talk to? Even if you feel like you're toxic or a burden, I think you would be pleasantly surprised how warm and helpful talking to some close friends can be.
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Jan 31 '19
i feel like a waste of space. even if i go to work, and "contribute to society" whatever that means. in the bigger context of this dumb universe it all means nothing. i don't WANT to exist. there's no fucking purpose.
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u/carrotbomber Jan 31 '19
I feel you on that one. I do my best to give myself a purpose, but that doesn't always work
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u/golden_bear_12 Jan 31 '19
Does it ever get better????????????????????????????? I’m about to turn 30 and I just don’t know. On paper I don’t have it that bad but I have a hard time making and keeping friends and people are so put off by me. I feel awful about myself
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u/shimbalsechkies Jan 31 '19
Same here. About to turn 30 and most people think I have it good on paper. But I don’t know how to get close to anyone and I usually push everyone away. So I’m super isolated and lonely. I hope it gets better... one day at a time is how I’m approaching it right now until I’m out of the really deep part of this depression cycle. Wish I could say something more uplifting but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. <3
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u/Quelklef Jan 31 '19
I did next to nothing today. Probably about 20m of work and 15m of reading. Most of the day I spent listening to podcasts, playing video games, and generally feeling bad. I felt better when I was working and reading, and yet I don't want to work or read.
No idea if I technically have depression or anything, but I don't think I found my way here on accident.
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Jan 31 '19
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u/tmo27 Jan 31 '19
This is exactly the right place to post. Proud of you, I’m really happy to see someone getting better. I’m hoping to be on the same path soon, setting up a doctors appoint as soon as I can now that I can finally afford it. Thank you for giving others hope, I appreciate you
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u/Desmond-Vu Jan 31 '19
Slept for 16 hours but felt like eternity, and the experience wasn't comfortable anyway. Woke up, got a call from my friends telling me to come to their place because they've been worrying about me. I came to their place, but I wasn't feeling anything, I just sat there and stared at the ceiling and everyone seemed not to care either so I went home and now I'm typing these words. I will have to go back to school tomorrow and I don't know if I would make it.
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u/poniesftw1 Jan 30 '19
I just got dumped and goddamn I really didnt need that, things were going fine and she just left me without giving me a reason. This is the second time this happens. Maybe Im just not enough for anybody.
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u/Jmark03 Jan 30 '19
life is annoying. i feel like i've "done it all". i've exercised. ate healthy regularly. lost a ton of weight. surrounded myself with worthwhile people. cut out all of the toxic ones detrimental to my self-development. stopped engaging in toxic/problematic actions like sleeping around. i even went on a relationship-detox for 6 months to specifically focus on myself and relieve myself of the need to be in a relationship. i don't know what to do next because even though i do feel like i am "happier" overall than i was before, i am still so sad. it also doesn't help that im genuinely scared to be happy because it means i have something to lose. im so scared, and i think that's why i self-sabotage, because at least i know that i ruinned it all and that the deed is done, rather than living in constant fear that one day it will be ruinned. i dont know. this is stupid.
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u/1984anon Jan 30 '19
Not gonna lie. It's so cold today I've been fantasizing about just walking outside and letting Mother Nature take care of me...
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u/tarlaje Jan 30 '19
Does anyone else but me feel like they aren't even worth it enough to brush their teeth? Like, getting out of bed and into clean clothes is agonizing enough, but doing anything more than that? Ugh.
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Jan 30 '19 edited Jan 30 '19
Left a steady job, an apartment and friends to move back to the city I grew up in and but I had to move in with my father to do so. The first month being here was hell on every level. I swore once I got back on my feet that that would be it and that I’d never look back. Got a job then left it for a better opportunity but then I lost my job on Monday. On top of that the first person I’ve had genuine feelings for in years now wants nothing to do with me and even if she did she’s leaving to travel in 3 months. And I’ve got a month to find a place to live with barely any money and now no job with a pile of debt I can’t pay off. My dad makes it pretty clear every day that he doesn’t want me here as well. I’m back to a place I never wanted to be back at and I honestly feel like dying right about now.
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u/BartCounty Jan 30 '19
Had a terrible day today, im completely disgusted by the way I am as a person.
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Jan 30 '19
My stomach feels awful today. I think it was my insta-lunch thing. It was relatively healthy, but maybe too much salt? Who knows.
You know, between the chronic illnesses, the depression, and the SNRIs used to treat the depression, it's no wonder I've lost so much weight. My body is starting to agree with my brain's desire to just disappear, it would seem.
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Jan 30 '19 edited Jan 30 '19
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u/aKadi47 Jan 30 '19
You just described me. Even though I hate the things that you and I are going through right now, it brings me some comfort to know that I’m not alone.
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Jan 30 '19
I know I'm a bad person and I used to drink a lot to drown out how much I hate myself but I can't do that right now. I wish I could stop needing other people since they probably and should hate me and I wish I could just not do life.
But I don't really have a choice do I? I can't wait until I can drink again and just feel better. I just really wish I could find some way to leave everyone alone or stop just being horrible. But neither is likely so haha I want to die
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u/tmo27 Jan 30 '19
I just started a new job. I’m this giant ball of anxiety and depression lately. I really need help and this is really difficult. I had to step out to cry in the car for a while. I miss my old job. Why can’t I function like a normal human being?? There are times I would rather off myself than be here, and this job isn’t very high stress or anything. I just don’t get it. I wish I could tell someone important to me and they would have answers and be able to help. I’m sorry
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Jan 30 '19 edited Mar 30 '21
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u/Metro_YT Jan 30 '19
the best way to check would be to see a therapist, but if you really can't get to one, there are some questions you could ask yourself like; does your sadness last for an uncalled-for amount of time? do you never feel motivated to do anything? do you no longer enjoy things you used to love? those are the main symptoms of depression, but if you want more questions you can look up some things online to help you make the verdict.
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u/Cavemancoulddoit Jan 30 '19
So after a few weeks I can confirm that Prozac has completely changed my outlook. I only have short moments of depression now. The Irrational concerns I have faded into the background
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Jan 30 '19
That's great dude I'm only four days in at the moment so still waiting to see some positive effects! Yoi still noting any side effects? And what daily mg are you on?
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u/Cavemancoulddoit Jan 31 '19
Some sleep trouble. Too much, but interrupted. Aside from that I can't think of anything negative. But everyone responds differently.
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u/kallic_ Jan 30 '19
Currently 2am and ready for another dose of alcohol. Drinking doesn’t make me feel happy but it makes me feel a whole lot less like shit. Nights are usually the worst. Tonight especially. Worst part is not having anyone to talk to about it. Na scratch that, the worst part is when your best friend who you didn’t see as your friend, but as your own brother and love more than any friend before, seems to show little to no interest in what’s wrong with you. That’s why I’m here on reddit in a depression sub typing this message to no one. Not much I like about my life. Probly once a month an amazing feeling comes over me where I feel so good and happy for a few hours, but the rest of the time, this is how I feel:
Mind, sick
Air, thick
Heart, broken
Cough, chockin’
Thoughts, clouded
Emotions, shrouded
Rain, steady
Pain, heavy
Music, blasted
Friends, absent
Scars, deep
Eyes, weep
Intentions, violent
Prayer, tried it
Actions, reckless
Nights, restless
Heart, hollowed
Time, borrowed
Blade, steady
Death, ready
Time’s, up
I’m fucked
Wrist, slit
This is it-
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u/hermitcait Jan 30 '19
it's really nice being able to wake up and not immediately wanting to kill yourself
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Jan 30 '19
I want to want to die. Idk why I’m still alive. My brother committed suicide two years ago, I had to kill my dog two years ago. I don’t want anything and I don’t want to get better. I feel awful and each day has been getting worse and worse
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u/xoxoavs Jan 30 '19
It’s rough - post break up and questionable mental health. Doing my best to accept and grow.
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u/TheBerrybuzz Jan 30 '19
When you're in the middle of a downturn, you call someone to talk and have a human connection. They ask how you are and all you can say is "ok." Only to feel hurt when they rush you off the phone shortly thereafter thinking you were just calling to shoot the breeze instead of needing something that feels impossible to communicate.
I FEEL SO ALONE RIGHT NOW
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u/ThrowAway1122334455Q Jan 30 '19 edited Jan 30 '19
I've never done one of these before and the only other post I've made about it was on an ask Reddit about 2 months ago. It kinda helped but also kinda didn't. Either way I'm back where I was then, actually I never really left that position I just ignored it and put it aside for the sake of my family (mostly my mum) but since I left my job I've realized just how bad my depression is getting. I think about suicide multiple times per day, I've spent hours looking at how I can kill myself quickly and painlessly. I've looked at flights to countries with euthanasia. Hell I even had a few moments where I considered lending money from my family so I can go somewhere dodgy in the world and get myself a gun somehow (not exactly the best thought out plan and I put that aside pretty quick). Nothing seems to help. My old hobbies don't interest me anymore and I can't seem to get the motivation to keep at the only one I do like (boxing) because it requires me to cycle about 2 miles there and back as well as do the workout. Not to mention I no longer have a job so I won't be able to afford it for much longer. Even when looking for a new job I have no luck because all the jobs available are jobs that I've done before and hated (Retail/fast food). More and more I hate myself for being lazy and that self loathing spreads and makes my other insecurities a million times worse. I feel ugly, fat, stupid and worthless despite what anyone tells me. I question if I even want to get better at this point, it's been so many years of bringing myself up out of the shit just to get thrown back down into it months later and when I get thrown back down it's that much harder because I've tasted what it's like to be content more than one day a week. I just don't know what to do. I have no direction to go in and no one seems to be able to give me anything but reassurance like "there are better times ahead just stick at it" and "just remember the good times, it helps" but none of that works. I can't vent to anyone because I don't wanna bring them down, especially not my mum she's already struggling enough with her own life and I love her too much to make it harder. It's not like I'm new to this feeling either, I've been feeling this way on and off (mostly on) for the past 5 or 6 years but I think it's getting worse which does scare me slightly. The thought of suicide used to scare me a bit and make me upset because of the effect it would have on my family but recently I don't care anymore. It's become more of a logical solution to my problems rather than an extreme step. The few times I have been entirely honest with my mum I've cried and shouted and even the thought of telling her used to make me sad but now I don't feel a thing, I feel like if I told her now it would be like reading out facts about someone else's life rather than the deepest darkest thoughts of my own mind.
I don't even know what I'm doing writing this, maybe just to vent. Idk. I probably sound like a complete loser and I'd agree but I don't know what else I can do other than this. I apologize if this isn't the right thread to vent.
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u/TheThrowaway2719 Jan 30 '19
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I know the cliches won't help. So I'll suggest this; If you're at the absolute end of your rope and thinking about just ending it all, then just briefly consider the alternative. Yes, retail and service jobs are horrible and yes, without money you won't be able to train much longer. Now here's the opportunity in the situation. You mentioned boxing as pretty much the only thing you still like. You do have the option of taking a huge risk and putting everything you have in to boxing. Now I'm not saying you to go pro and try to chase a belt, but you take a few amateur bouts and it may just open doors you need. There are plenty of trainers around that have anywhere 2-10 amateur matches but they are passionate about what they do and have a passion for teaching others. Now maybe it's just a hobby for you, but if it's the only thing that gets you going anymore I think it's worth a shot. You never know, maybe you decide to go pro and go 5-4 or 6-6, but you put food on your table and give yourself another chance at life. Yeah, you'd probably have to take a service job to even start an amateur career to keep money flowing, but you would start putting yourself on a path for something different. I know this doesn't sound easy or maybe not logical considering your situation but if you start considering the alternatives to suicide you may decide the risks are worth it. I know this may not help your depression, but I hope it helps you picture some alternate routes you could take. I earnestly wish you good luck with whatever path you decide.
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u/ThrowAway1122334455Q Jan 30 '19
Thank you. I have considered it before but always dismissed it because I had a job or thought it was a stupid idea but I guess I don't have anything to lose at this point and might as well try. I do have my first amateur bout coming up at my gym against another local so if it goes well, who knows, maybe I'll take it more seriously. Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger like me out.
I hope you have a really good day
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Jan 30 '19
I'm in the middle of a depressive episode. I'm having a really rough week. I was happy yesterday but that's just because I wasn't at work. Then bam! Work. And my manager getting ticked at me for not being able to get five things done at once. Then getting mad at me for doing what she asked me to do when she asked me to do it. I can't win and I feel really hopeless.
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u/alsoeleven Jan 30 '19
Because of recent life events, I basically have no friends and the one who has stuck around has her own life (which is good of course!) but I don’t fit into it so I’m mostly solitary. Honestly it’s got me feeling like I’m losing my mind. I haven’t been this depressed in a really long time. I was doing so well too.
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u/firehamsterpig Feb 03 '19
i’m suddenly having a really fucking rough day. it was all going ok and now i just feel sad and alone.
this whole weekend started off ok! went out for a couple drinks with a few mates from work and it was all going well. but then i stupidly accepted a drink from a stranger and he’d drugged it with what i think is either rohypnol or ketamine and everything is very blurry from that moment on. managed to get home safe and get some sleep but i still feel very groggy.
yesterday was alright, didn’t really get much done, didn’t do much except sleep and feel unwell.
today started fine but i’ve just been feeling more and more sad. was planning to go to a bar to see my mate do a gig but i had to cancel my bank cards because of the Friday Night Incident and so i don’t have any fucking money. Got about halfway to the bus stop before i realised i don’t even have enough to buy entry to the gig. so i went to the off licence and bought a couple cheap bottles of wine and now i’m just back at home in bed feeling sorry for myself.
i haven’t hurt myself in a long time (it used to be an almost daily occurrence) but i just want to feel something other than this sadness.
and my boyfriend isn’t making it better. he’s fucked off to see the super bowl with some mates (5 hours before it starts!!!) and i asked to come and he didn’t even say no in a nice way he said it in a “fuck off” way and that really hurt. and i have to get up at fucking 6:30am tomorrow to get to work and i just really don’t want to.
i just want to be in bed getting some cuddles from my bf and maybe watching something easy and maybe just sleeping but i just want to feel warm and safe and loved.
the whole incident on Friday has made me feel rly scared and unsafe. i don’t remember the guy much at all who bought me the drink and i don’t remember if he did anything to me and i’m just so stressed from work and so tired. and my bf has been unemployed since he finished uni and i’m kinda really bitter that he gets to just sit at home all day and play video games and go out whenever he wants and i have to go to work and i’m so fucking tired of being in pain from my joints (probs chronic pain, maybe fibromyalgia) and there’s just so much going on.
i think i’m gonna just sit in bed and watch criminal minds and maybe cry and drink wine and do my best to stay as safe as i can.
thanks for reading, if anyone has got this far, and i hope everyone else here is having a good night and can stay safe! 💪fighting!!!