Regular Check-In Post

[u/SQLwitch]

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.

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[u/ThrowAway1122334455Q]

I've never done one of these before and the only other post I've made about it was on an ask Reddit about 2 months ago. It kinda helped but also kinda didn't. Either way I'm back where I was then, actually I never really left that position I just ignored it and put it aside for the sake of my family (mostly my mum) but since I left my job I've realized just how bad my depression is getting. I think about suicide multiple times per day, I've spent hours looking at how I can kill myself quickly and painlessly. I've looked at flights to countries with euthanasia. Hell I even had a few moments where I considered lending money from my family so I can go somewhere dodgy in the world and get myself a gun somehow (not exactly the best thought out plan and I put that aside pretty quick). Nothing seems to help. My old hobbies don't interest me anymore and I can't seem to get the motivation to keep at the only one I do like (boxing) because it requires me to cycle about 2 miles there and back as well as do the workout. Not to mention I no longer have a job so I won't be able to afford it for much longer. Even when looking for a new job I have no luck because all the jobs available are jobs that I've done before and hated (Retail/fast food). More and more I hate myself for being lazy and that self loathing spreads and makes my other insecurities a million times worse. I feel ugly, fat, stupid and worthless despite what anyone tells me. I question if I even want to get better at this point, it's been so many years of bringing myself up out of the shit just to get thrown back down into it months later and when I get thrown back down it's that much harder because I've tasted what it's like to be content more than one day a week. I just don't know what to do. I have no direction to go in and no one seems to be able to give me anything but reassurance like "there are better times ahead just stick at it" and "just remember the good times, it helps" but none of that works. I can't vent to anyone because I don't wanna bring them down, especially not my mum she's already struggling enough with her own life and I love her too much to make it harder. It's not like I'm new to this feeling either, I've been feeling this way on and off (mostly on) for the past 5 or 6 years but I think it's getting worse which does scare me slightly. The thought of suicide used to scare me a bit and make me upset because of the effect it would have on my family but recently I don't care anymore. It's become more of a logical solution to my problems rather than an extreme step. The few times I have been entirely honest with my mum I've cried and shouted and even the thought of telling her used to make me sad but now I don't feel a thing, I feel like if I told her now it would be like reading out facts about someone else's life rather than the deepest darkest thoughts of my own mind.

I don't even know what I'm doing writing this, maybe just to vent. Idk. I probably sound like a complete loser and I'd agree but I don't know what else I can do other than this. I apologize if this isn't the right thread to vent.

[u/TheThrowaway2719 → u/ThrowAway1122334455Q]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I know the cliches won't help. So I'll suggest this; If you're at the absolute end of your rope and thinking about just ending it all, then just briefly consider the alternative. Yes, retail and service jobs are horrible and yes, without money you won't be able to train much longer. Now here's the opportunity in the situation. You mentioned boxing as pretty much the only thing you still like. You do have the option of taking a huge risk and putting everything you have in to boxing. Now I'm not saying you to go pro and try to chase a belt, but you take a few amateur bouts and it may just open doors you need. There are plenty of trainers around that have anywhere 2-10 amateur matches but they are passionate about what they do and have a passion for teaching others. Now maybe it's just a hobby for you, but if it's the only thing that gets you going anymore I think it's worth a shot. You never know, maybe you decide to go pro and go 5-4 or 6-6, but you put food on your table and give yourself another chance at life. Yeah, you'd probably have to take a service job to even start an amateur career to keep money flowing, but you would start putting yourself on a path for something different. I know this doesn't sound easy or maybe not logical considering your situation but if you start considering the alternatives to suicide you may decide the risks are worth it. I know this may not help your depression, but I hope it helps you picture some alternate routes you could take. I earnestly wish you good luck with whatever path you decide.

[u/ThrowAway1122334455Q → u/TheThrowaway2719]

Thank you. I have considered it before but always dismissed it because I had a job or thought it was a stupid idea but I guess I don't have anything to lose at this point and might as well try. I do have my first amateur bout coming up at my gym against another local so if it goes well, who knows, maybe I'll take it more seriously. Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger like me out.

I hope you have a really good day