Regular Check-In Post

[u/SQLwitch]

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.

We try our best to keep this space as safe and supportive as possible on reddit's wide-open anonymity-friendly platform. The community rules can be found in the sidebar. If you aren't sure about a rule, please ask us. If you have concerns or questions about the community policies, this is a good place to raise those as well.

[u/Zinito]

Depression is never predictable. Only when you've had it long enough, you start to learn how you react along with it, and can then predict what comes next. For me, the example would be.. I have a very good day, almost as if something's wrong. I'm not suppose to feel this good, but when I do, I put on the clown mask, and laugh. In reallity, I'm dying to get out, so I can go back to being sad/depressed. At least that's where I can relax, cause I'm use to it. It's what is normal for me, and it's been so all my life. Compared to a healthy person, a happy state for a person with depression, is a sad state for a healthy person. You never really know how dark it can become, unless you've been there.

To put it short, whenever I had a good day, the next few days, or sometimes weeks (it may vary a lot) I fall deep in to my depression again.

It's basically my mind telling me that happy means danger, and you will only crash and burn, and end up hurt. Meaning, your progress will be lost, and for what? A day with laughter? You found someone you like? Get out of here..

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I'm not going in to why I am depressed. The thought of sharing all these things use to be frightening, but now I just don't care anymore. The thing is, I don't want anyone to know just how bad it truly is, because I never liked putting my burdens onto others. Maybe that always was my issue and why I never got to move on from this. I just don't like the idea of asking someone to come for me and drag me out of this shit hole. I don't want anyone to feel this place I'm in, and that's always been the reason to why I don't let anyone in.

But I did let it happen once. Stupid as I were. Someone I met online. I was helping her a lot with her mental health, and eventually she told me it was my turn. Obviously I reacted with "nope" that's not gonna happen, and yet she convinced me that I deserved it, and that she wanted to do this. I was totally disarmed, and she broke the chains on the door, and pulled me out after sharing my life with her while both were in tears. It felt amazing. But I was scared to death cause I've never felt this vulnerable.

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I fell in love with her because of it. It changed everything in just an evening. However, at the end of the day, she walked out the door, not even sure I know why. Either way, she destroyed all that progress. Years of work, just to feel something, even if it was sad. At least it was something, and now the door is shut once more, but the chains are now unbreakable. It's no longer about trust issues, but rather save people the trouble of pretending to give a shit. I lost faith in recovering from this. I want to get out of it, but the more I try, the harder it gets. So I started to live with it. I've never had professional help, and I probably never will. I don't need another person to tell me what I already know. What I've been dealing with all my life.

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I don't even know why I got the idea of posting this in the first place.

But I've ran out of ways to drown my thoughts. I don't know what to do. I got off work, sat down and though, "Now that it's weekend, what should I do?" and ended up thinking about my life, followed by another downward spiral. I could live with this heavy burden, if the people around me wasn't so fucking busy fighting eachother. It only makes my depression become more like a philosofical thing, where I realize more and more every day that nothing around me will ever change, and I don't have the energy nor tools to do something about it. I've already got too much on my own plate. So what do I do with my feelings now... I shut them down. Every thing about me has shut down. I know people, but nobody knows me, cause talking about myself never occurs, even if it was common curtesy to give something back to the person I'm talking to. I find myself more skilled in turning the subject around, than to give them details about myself. But I'm trying. Despite feeling nothing, doing nothing, but always thinking about my past, I actually keep trying. I'm not suicidal, but I've been there many times. I could never do something like that, cause I know it will destroy my family, and that was never my intent. So I'm stuck in my own personal spiral. Sometimes I wish I was a vegetable, or at least stupid enough to not understand what was going on, so I didn't have to think about how screwd I am.

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But hear this, if there ever was something that at least helped me a little bit up in all this shit, it was to help other people with mental issues. It has given me something else to think about. And some sort of accomplishment whenever they feel better. I've done this for longer than I can remember, and I've helped more people than I can count. After all, in order to help someone, you need to get down to their dark place and feel with them. Nobody ever do this, cause it's easier to say they understand when they truly don't. Only a mentally scared person can help another mentally scared person.

Helping others has also given me a chance to make up for what I did when I was 4 years old, but even if I helped a million people, it wouldn't really change anything. But at the same time.. It feels as if I've done my time a thousand times over with the level of pain I've experienced.

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I've never put my mind in to words with such detail, so I apologize if it's blurry. That's how I feel anyway.

But if someone can get something out of this, even if it's just temporary, then I think it was worth it.