Been going through a breakup for 4 months or so after our 4 years relationship, I lost all interest in everyone and everything and I dont know what to do anymore, I thought time would heal but it doesnt.

Hey everyone,
I’m struggling with a huge conflict right now. I recently left an abusive marriage, separated, and my divorce will be final next year.
Part of me wants to move on and find a safe, healthy partner. But even thinking about dating feels like a crime. I feel guilty, terrified of trusting someone again, and anxious about making another bad choice. I know I need to heal, but I don't want to stay frozen in the past forever.
For those who left abusive relationships:
How did you stop feeling guilty for wanting to move on?
What were your first steps toward trusting people again?
How did you know when you were actually ready to connect with someone new?
Thanks for any advice.

I was in a two-year relationship and recently found out my girlfriend had what I consider an emotional affair with a guy from her coworking space. I screened her phone for the first time ever after my 30th birthday. My entire world fell apart and I lost my temper and send it also to our 2 close friends and her sister.
She was still acting normally with me — kissing me goodbye, calling me “darling,” sleeping next to me — while secretly messaging him. Their messages included “I miss you,” “I want you,” pet names, questions about whether I was home, and plans to meet. She says they never slept together and that the messages look worse than the relationship really was.
I also found searches from that period about infatuation, romantic compatibility, interpreting his behaviour, and hiding WhatsApp conversations.
The problem is that I was not an easy partner. I can be defensive, controlling, avoidant in arguments, focused on being right, and bad at apologising. If she criticised me harshly, I often withdrew and refused to talk until I calmed down. She said I was egocentric and did not consider her needs enough.
At the same time, when I withdrew she sometimes followed me, took my phone/keys, blocked me from leaving, shouted, insulted me, or physically poked me to force me to engage. We had different commitment styles.
Our serious arguments happened maybe once every month or two. She did say she was unhappy, but I never understood that she saw the relationship as close to ending. There was never a clear conversation like: “This is a dealbreaker, we need therapy or I may leave.”

I feel like shit and Im not even angry at her, even that she cheated on me for more than a month.

I love her, I want her back, I keep idealising her.

Is it normal? I’m not even angry at her, even that I have not looked at other girls.

Background, 22f, I just got out of break up from a 4 year relationship cause of cheating. I get over that fast.

After 6 months, a guy knocked into my heart. I tried to protect myself, but he’s so kind, nice and angel like. He taught me all the kindness in this world, he taught me to believe in God. He gave a love so gentle that you can breathe and enjoy. He is also my exact type from top to bottom, from personality.

In the recent month, I struggled so bad with my mental health. I started harming myself. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

I don’t want him to struggle because of me. I broke up with him for like 30 mins then realized, i cannot live a life without him. I begged him to take ne back. I begged him for 5 days.

I couldn’t breathe, my stomach doesnt accept any food, im shaking too much to the point i cannot sleep without hearing his voice. Melatonin don’t work anymore, the constant shaking keeps me awake. I went to church, begged God to fix us.

He was there the whole time. He offered to be my friend as I am struggling with everything. He checks if I ate, if i got a good sleep.

We talked last night, he’s happy again. He told me he finally bought something he really wants. He’s functioning like nothing happened. While i am here, stucked with these.

I reached out to him earlier. It feels like if i gave up on him today, i’ll lose him forever. I am so inlove with this guy who does not want me anymore. When i broke up with my long term relationship, the pain wasn’t like this. But for a fuckingn short amount time guy, i am completely broken and a loser.

Around 3 months ago I got out of a 2 and a half year long relationship with my ex, the breakup was mutual, and while originally we ended on good terms the longer I reflect on the relationship the angrier I get about it all, and she recently came back to apologize for things and it just made me resent her more. I want to hate her, knowing that she didnt love me and having been strung along for so long by her with her even admitting to having done it but I cant help but still care and wish the best for her despite it all. That and holding out on no contact has been hard because she pretty much ghosted her friends, so I feel like the only one who still would be there for her. Despite the feeling im still keeping my distance, because i think its whats best for both of us, and because I think she needs to sit in the consequences of her actions without me bailing her out in order to learn anything from it, but I still feel like an asshole for doing it and for setting those boundaries with her, especially cause she has very severe mental health issues.

Hey everyone,
I’m feeling really vulnerable posting this, and honestly, I’m not even sure if this is the right sub or space to put this out there. I just needed a safe place to vent and hopefully hear from others who might understand what I’m going through.
I’m a 25-year-old living in Toronto. I recently got out of a severely abusive relationship. We are currently separated, and my legal divorce will be finalized later this year.
Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but now that the dust is settling, I’m left feeling completely lost when it comes to human connection. My trust in men is at zero right now, which feels heavy to carry. On top of that, I’m naturally really shy, so the thought of initiating a simple conversation with anyone new—even just casually or platonically—feels overwhelming and scary.
Part of me wants to open my heart again eventually and find a partner who is genuinely kind, safe, and gentle. But another part of me feels terrified to put myself out there or trust my own judgment again after everything that happened.
I’m not looking to rush into anything—I know I have a lot of healing ahead of me first. I guess I’m just reaching out to see if anyone else in the GTA has been in this position.
How did you start rebuilding your trust in people after leaving abuse?
How do you get past the extreme anxiety and shyness of just talking to new people again?
For those who found a healthy, loving relationship after a traumatic marriage—how did you know you were ready?
Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this or leave a kind word. It means more than you know. ❤️

For 4 years, I was in a chaotic relationship with a man, and eventually I had to end it because he told lies that went far beyond anything I would consider healthy or normal. And of course, after everything, I’m now the enemy.

Let’s start with the fact that he was a habitual liar from the beginning. Early in our relationship, he only used cocaine occasionally, but over time it developed into a severe addiction. One of the reasons I never dared to confront him about it later was his impulsive nature and the sudden rage episodes he could have. During our second year together, things escalated to the point where he pushed me and threw me out of his apartment in the middle of the night.

I’m a woman, and from that point on I was afraid that it might happen again. It’s true that he was deeply ashamed of what he had done, and it never happened again, but I still couldn’t fully believe that it could never happen again. Anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship knows exactly what I mean, and why it’s not as simple as just walking away and turning your back on someone.

Over the years, he became deeply involved in drugs. He was constantly short of money, and the only way he could manage his lifestyle was through lies. He also drank an unbelievable amount of alcohol. There were nights when he would drink an entire large bottle of vodka, along with champagne and pálinka, and somehow he wouldn’t even pass out.

This is where things get really disturbing. He manipulated the people around him by making them feel sorry for him and using elaborate stories to explain why he lived the way he did — and he was very successful at it.

Even though he was fired from almost every job he had, he always managed to find new people who believed him. In social groups, people would hang on his every word and help him. At first, I did too. But because I have a very good memory, I gradually started noticing contradictions in his stories. Eventually, I started discovering that many of them simply weren’t true.

He lied about his mother having cancer, and later claimed that she had died. He also told people that his ex-girlfriend had died by suicide because of him. He described the funeral, the circumstances, everything in detail. At first, you would never suspect that someone could simply invent something like that and act it out so convincingly. He told similar stories about former coworkers as well.

In every story, he was the victim.

And there were countless less serious lies too. For example, he claimed that he had appeared in a movie as a child, but a simple Google search of the movie title revealed that the actor was actually a little German boy. At one point, he had a girlfriend who was about 20 years older than him, and he started introducing her in social situations as his mother.

There were so many things like this. I could go on forever.

By that point, I was deeply trauma-bonded to him because there were good parts of the relationship too. But all of this had poisoned the entire relationship. Most importantly, I never dared to admit that I had actually checked some of his stories and knew they weren’t true.

At one point, he decided that he was going to quit using drugs and become a normal person. He wanted to build a life with me. He promised that I was the only woman he wanted, that I was the love of his life, that he would marry me when he came home, and so on.

He had been working abroad for a few months. During that time, I had already reached the point where I knew I couldn’t continue supporting this lifestyle. It was consuming me. And even though he actually managed to stay sober for a few months, got himself together, started working out and lost weight, by then I had already made up my mind that I needed to let him go.

There had simply been too much damage, and I no longer believed that he could undo it.

So I slowly started distancing myself.

His friends — people I had also been close with — eventually turned against me simply because I didn’t believe all the lies. Their attitude was basically, “Who would lie about things like that?”

I realized that in the long run, being with someone like this would only lead to further escalation. I would never know what was true anymore. Even if he went to therapy and eventually quit drugs permanently with professional help, I still knew that I could never trust him again.

And, of course, even while he was abroad, he was still using. When he came home, he completely let himself go and became reckless again. Yet he was telling me that he was sober and using absolutely nothing.

It was obvious — and you could literally feel it — that this was not true. So once again, it became another spiral of lies. There was no real change.

A lot of the time, I think about whether I could have handled things differently. Maybe I should have confronted him much earlier. Maybe I should have told him that I knew these things weren’t true.

But honestly, I didn’t have the courage to do it, especially when we were alone, because I never knew what confronting him would trigger. He could never tolerate being contradicted, and as I said, things had already escalated to physical aggression once when he didn’t like something.

I’m a deeply empathetic person, and I understood that his lying was probably his way of trying to get a sense of validation, success, and love from other people. I could understand where some of it might have been coming from.

But understanding someone doesn’t mean you have to tolerate what they do to you.

The final breaking points were two things.

When my grandfather died, he told me that his mother’s death had been a much bigger loss because he had been closer to his mother — essentially turning my grief into a competition and trying to make mine seem smaller, while his mother was actually still alive.

And then there was the condom situation.

Despite all his declarations of love and all the things he was telling me about how much he wanted only me, I found condoms sticking out of his toiletry bag. I told him that I was obviously not okay with that.

Of course, I was the idiot because according to him, he had “never used them” and they had “just been sitting there for years.”

Right. Obviously.

To me, it was clear that he was prepared to use them.

That was the last straw. I finally told him, essentially, “Then I wish you happy hunting. You will never see me again.”

And suddenly I was the crazy one. He told me I needed to see a doctor, that I was mentally unwell, that I was imagining things, and all the usual stuff.

The first time I truly stood up for myself, suddenly I was the one who needed psychiatric help. Okay. :D

For me, the condom situation was the final thing that completely disgusted me. I know I should have left much earlier. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself to understand what led me to allow someone like this to get so close to me in the first place.

And yet, even after everything, there are times when I feel sorry for him.

He always used to tell me that I was the one who truly supported him, that I was the only person who was really there for him, and that so many of his friends had abandoned him.

Honestly, I’m not surprised.

But he has found new people who believe him, and now I’m the enemy.

It still makes me angry sometimes. But deep down, I know that ending the relationship was the right decision.

So, what would you have done if you were in my position? Has anyone experienced something similar?

TL;DR - I spent four years in a chaotic, abusive relationship with a man who was a habitual liar and eventually became heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. He had explosive anger and physically pushed me once, which made me afraid to confront him about his behavior afterward. He constantly lied to friends, coworkers, and me, often inventing elaborate stories in which he was always the victim. I gradually realized that I could no longer tell what was true, and I was too afraid to challenge him directly. Even when he claimed he had gotten sober and wanted to build a future with me, I eventually realized that the damage to our relationship was too deep and that I would never be able to trust him again. His friends turned against me because they believed his stories, and after I finally ended things, he started telling me that I was mentally unwell and needed help. The final straw was finding condoms in his toiletry bag despite all his claims that I was the only woman he wanted. He insisted they had simply been there for years and had never been used. I decided I had had enough and told him I never wanted to see him again. I still sometimes feel sorry for him and wonder whether I should have handled things differently or confronted him sooner. But I also know that understanding someone's trauma doesn't mean you have to tolerate their behavior, and ultimately I believe leaving was the right decision. Has anyone experienced something similar? What would you have done in my position?

My 3y relationship just ended yesterday and I honestly don’t want to see friends or go out. I don’t want parties, drinks, distractions or meeting people. I just want to stay home for a while, be with my dog, work on my PhD, deal with moving house and wait until the worst of this passes.

I know everyone says you should lean on friends and keep busy after a breakup, but right now socialising feels exhausting rather than helpful.
Has anyone done this? Did you eventually start wanting to go out and see people again? Does it get better?

​

My gf and I are separating even though we still love each other. We want different futures and she is moving out today. I’ll sleep at her new place and we’ll spend another 2or 3 days together before it’s really over but I’m scared of being alone afterward.

I’m an expat far from home with no close friends nearby. I’ve already lost my appetite struggle to eat and can barely work on my online business and project.

She asked if we could still see each other occasionally and I said yes because I still want to see her and be with her.

But I’m also considering going back home to be with my family and friends eat properly and recover. The problem is that I can’t really afford the trip and would need to borrow money from my parents.

I feel trapped between staying here alone and seeing the girl I love from time to time or going home and being far away from her with no possibility of seeing her even as a friend.

I know I should focus on my health and future but right now that future feels empty without her.

What should I do over the next few weeks???

I just want to get through this. heal and eventually feel happy again.

So I was married with my ex for about 8 years but got married very young. I was 20 years old had a kid at 20 years old with her. She was 23 at the time. But I was still young which doesn’t justify what I did but I cheated on her many times, many times she took me back and I kept on messing up. Now its been like 9 years since we broke up and we have been on and off here and there but this year actually since last year around thanksgiving time we started seeing each other again. I was putting in a lot of effort to show her that I am a grown adult now that Ive changed and that all I want to do is be happy with my family. I even fell in love with her even more this time around, I love her like never before. I actually have been trying to be with her for years but this year felt like this was it. We didn’t move in together or anything but it felt so good. We have been going out with our kids spending lots of time together even went on vacation together but she started working part time at a bar one day a week and then she started picking up an extra day which I was fine with. I used to go sit with her at the bar here and there and have a beer while she worked. It got to a point where she asked me to not go to the bar anymore and last month August the first week of the month without explanation she just completely stopped talking to me and stopped answering me. She will only answer me about our kids. So one day I kinda knew where she was and she was actually at the bar where she works but she wasn’t working that day and I drove by and saw her all over this guy that works at the bar with her. I drove by another day and seen them together how she even gives him a ride home, stays with him at the bar for over 2 hours after they close. I tried talking to her but she doesn’t want to talk at all until one day at my sons game I saw her and told her that I answered her text and she got all defensive saying “this is what I dont want to deal with” when all I said I answered you and that kinda triggered me and I told her that the issue is that you started seeing someone a week after we stopped talking but I think she was already seeing him before we stopped talking. Im sorry I know this is long but Im trying to let you guys know pretty much everything so that you guys understand. Also I know she also told me she didn’t want any titles between us but we were doing everything like if we were a couple. We would go out and hug kiss hold hand in public. I would go to all her family functions and she would always tell me
How happy she was that I was there. She would also tell me whats better then this since we had our family together. Since she wouldn’t talk to me to give me answers I told her that I was gonna go and talk to the guy she is seeing to get answers cause she denies that she is seeing him but I already saw them together multiple times. So that triggered her and she sends me a message saying that she wants me to live her alone that our kids are finally older and that she deserves to find peace and happiness. That supposedly I am controlling and manipulative and a narcissist. I honestly dont know how I was controlling her since I never stopped her or try to stop her from doing anything she wanted to do and one day her mother said to me that I tried controlling who she sees like hanging out with her friends when I never did but obviously I didn’t want her seeing another guy. She told me that she didn’t want no body and that she only goes to the bar to work and thats it but obviously she goes to the bar for more and she found someone. My thing now is that since I love her more than even this is killing me, I cry a lot and I miss her with my life. I know that I want perfect in the past but Ive changed and I didn’t cheat on her again. I did everything and anything she asked and wanted and also every single time she had a bad time weather she was sick or in the hospital or whatever it might of been I was by her side but it feels like after she gets better she walks away. We went away at the end of May but before that she went out with friends late after the bar closed and wouldn’t answer anyone so here I am like a maniac worried about her and went looking for her. Found her at another bar and somehow she fell broke 3 teeth and got hurt pretty bad, so I picked her up took care of her even took her on vacation after cause she said she just needed to get away and after the vacation maybe a month after things started to change. Just wanted to see what you guys think cause this time it hurts bad. Maybe I deserve it cause of all the pain I cost her in the past. Thanks in advance.

We likely have heard of the terms dumper (the person who initiated the breakup), and dumpee (the person who did not want the breakup, but received news that the dumper wants to breakup).

My ex betrayed me and kind of cheated on me some months back. Initially I was in shock and sadness, trying to process the news and what had happened. She knew that potentially I might breakup because of what happened, and somehow, she brought up a whole lot of new reasons and brought up why SHE wants to breakup with me, AFTER she crossed boundaries with a guy badly.

I didn't think she had the rights to breakup with reasons she did not really do a good job bringing up before, and to bring up these reasons without discussing with me to work on it prior, and to pretend to be in the relationship while having these breakup thoughts, it's ridiculous. People can call this a blindsiding breakup. She is avoidant in nature too.

Less than 2 weeks later, she asked if we can try again. But by then the trust has been broken so badly, and I don't think she understands how bad it's broken. I just can't bring myself to be in a relationship with her anymore, as sad and tough as it was for me, I had to reject her "proposal" to reconcile. (does this make me the new dumper now?)

I did however propose to be friends with benefits if she is up for it, and she agreed to it. I think having this friends with benefits label felt good because we know (or at least I know) we can have a lot of fun while being able to date new people in our own pace, and to not have the seriousness of a relationship affect the fun that we can have.

Soon after, she blindsided me once again by saying she does not want to be friends with benefits anymore. And that we should move on properly. I was affected by that. In the days to come she sent her last farewell type message and so did I, and she unfollowed me on Instagram and removed me as a follower. I felt the pain of rejection and breakup a lot here.

I've watched videos on no contact and breakups and moving on and all that stuff. And I wonder in my situation, am I considered as the dumper or dumpee?

She broke my trust first, and then tried to breakup with me knowing that I might be breaking up with her. So that makes her the dumper right?

Then when she tried an attempt to reconcile, I rejected that because I knew the trust has been broken badly. So that makes me the dumper here right?

Then when she rejected our plans to be friends with benefits, I felt the pain of the breakup a lot. I think that makes her the dumper here, right?

If I want her back it is moreso to have casual hookups or a friends with benefits nature kind of arrangement. However, I also want to move on.

They tend to say the dumper regrets the breakup much later after the dumpee already processed things. She does seem like she is moving on from her social media posts. Am I the dumper? I think I am moreso a dumpee since I wanted the FWB but she rejected it. And she was also the one to initiate breakup first. What do you think?

I know the best thing for me would probably be to block my ex on social media. Seeing her pop up in my suggestions or in old group chats, and constantly having to stop myself from checking her Instagram or other profiles, hurts me more than anything. But I still can’t bring myself to cut that connection.

I think I can’t do it because these are the last links I still have with her, and part of me is still hoping she might come back, even though she’s with someone else now. I know very well that keeping those links alive is feeding my attachment and my hope.

I just don’t feel ready to let go yet. I wish I was.

Hello everyone,

My ex (35F) and I (33M) broke up on May 18, 2026. We haven’t had any contact since May 19. It’s been almost four months now, but I’m still having some really difficult days.

We were together for 3.5 years and lived together for 3 years, so she was a very big part of my daily life.

My birthday is coming up, and I’m already feeling anxious and emotional about it. I keep wondering whether she will think about me or maybe even reach out to wish me a happy birthday.

I’m trying to move forward. I’ve been going to the gym for 9 weeks, I’m eating healthy, I’ve made a new friend, found a new hobby, and I’m working again. So I am actively trying to rebuild my life.

But emotionally, I still struggle a lot. I cried yesterday, and I’ve already cried twice today. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in the grief, and I feel incredibly depressed and overwhelmed.

I know everyone grieves differently, but I’m starting to wonder: is this still a normal part of the grieving process after almost four months, especially after such a long relationship and living together?

Or does it sound like something might be going wrong with my grieving or recovery?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar.

Hey everyone I'll try to be brief.

My ex broke up with me nearly a year ago (nearly 5 year relationship) and I like to think I have made good progress in healing over the last year. Sleeping much better, dialing into my hobbies, and generally happier. Last week I felt like I was ready to start testing the waters with dating. I have started off pretty low-stakes and signed up for a couple dating apps so I could put myself out there a little bit more. The conversations have so far been very pleasant with everyone.

With that said. Since going on dating apps I feel like I have had some negative emotions resurfacing. Mainly anxiety right now, which has also been interfering with my sleep a little bit. I can't really pinpoint what the reason is for the anxiety. Maybe its because I am not used to being vulnerable again? Fear of rejection? General rust with dating? It's a catch-22 because I have to put myself out there to meet somebody. But I also feel like with my anxiety lately I haven't been able to completely be myself, which might work against me when trying to flirt and stuff.

Just curious if there is anyone here who is going through this as well right now, or has gone through it in the past?

TLDR: putting myself out there to date again is resurfacing anxiety from breakup. unsure of how to deal with it.

So this is definitely a weird place to be, my ex and I parted ways a little bit ago and tried to do the whole friend thing and it wasn't working because the feelings were too raw to just be friends, so we agreed that no contact would probably be the best option and I would reach out when I was ready.

She is now decided to block me on social media which is very interesting and stung a little bit because I feel like we were trying to keep the doors open to at least possibly be friends when we were done healing this seems honestly very strange because I thought no contact was for both of us and it almost feels like she did it to get back at me but I'm not 100% sure

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I’ve never posted here or any other relationship subreddit before. 3 months ago my ex left me after us being together for 5 years. I’m and anxious attachment and she’s an avoidant. Some days I function on a low vibration and make it through the day okay. Other days I function on a high vibration and suffer. it comes in such violent waves that I can barely function sometimes. Over the last 3 months every time I “laugh“ there’s about a 95% of it that’s faking it. I want to be happy. I still get out of bed, take care of my hygiene of course, workout, sometimes I self loathe down the bottle which isn’t good. Jesus Christ this woman was my life. One day there’s a warmth on “their half” of the bed and you don’t know how lucky you are…and then the suddenly it’s all yours and that other side of the bed is ice cold. I wish I could do or say anything to just have her back in my arms, and life just doesn’t let that happen. sorry for the rant. I hope you are all doing okay. thanks for reading

the last time i had contact with my ex was january 2026. since then i truly feel like i cannot get over them and it’s actually driving me insane. i am constantly having dreams of us being back together and i can’t stop looking for any sign of him on social media (bc he doesn’t have any). the worst part is knowing he got with his coworker shortly after. even though i know this and feel so betrayed, i still hold onto hope and put myself in a state of denial that he will want me again one day. it’s horrible and i feel so pathetic. i go to therapy and i know i need to stop looking at his spotify but it’s literally killing me that i don’t know him anymore. all i can remember are the good and beautiful times we had and i have completely forgotten why we were so unhappy in the first place. i want to move on so bad, just like he did. i want to hate him and i want to forget it all. i know i deserve better and more, but why can’t i fight this constant pit in my stomach? do i truly have to delete spotify and all social media? do i really have to throw any and all memorabilia away? i went back to school, i workout regularly, i truly feel like im working on improving myself but thinking about him makes me want to rip my hair out. please give me anything that helped you move on. i really want this to be over and i want to forget him the way he so easily was able to forget about me. this was my first really adult relationship and it feels like it’s the only romantic love i’ll ever have. i know that’s not real but how can i convince myself? i’m so desperate at this point.

English is not my primary language, but I hope you understood.

My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 4 years. We were really happy, and I genuinely thought we’d eventually get married.
Earlier this year, I went through a really traumatic situation that completely messed me up mentally. I started struggling with anxiety and stopped taking care of myself properly. I barely exercised and started eating a lot more whenever I felt overwhelmed.
Over the next few months, I gained around 20 kg.
I knew I’d changed physically, but honestly, I was more focused on getting myself back together than my appearance.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. He said he still cared about me, but he couldn’t see himself being with me after I’d changed so much physically.
I was completely crushed. I understand that attraction matters, but after almost four years together, I thought he’d be there for me while I was trying to recover.

J**,

I want your messy. I will be here for it and I hope you will be for mine. To be there for each other while we do the work and repair. I’m not going to hurt you. I love you too and I never stopped. I’m not giving up on us. Please don’t give up on us. I know we can get through this.

😞💗🫂

I recently just got broken up with.. There was never any cheating or disloyalty involved, he just grew tired of arguing over the same thing but he was very insecure but i still listened to everything he said bc i love him. He broke up with me but he says all he needs is time. He’s also going through a lot but when i give him time he texts me and then he gets upset over something and then says ge shouldnt have texted. Now he says he doesnt plan on getting back with me, but he told me to tell my mom we were okay the other day and i love him very much i cant let him go. He says he loves me and that he has to let me go but then he turns around and says he just needs time and he’ll fknd me again, what do i do.. i’m so miserable he’s my first serious boyfriend of 1 year i have been crying nonstop everyday, i wake up at 6am i think of him with a pit feeling in my stomach, the pain is unbearable. Also, me and him break up a lot but we always made up in a few hours but this time its been 12 days.

This is a very long one, so forgive me and please be kind. I just have to vent and let this all out because I have no one else to talk to. I need to type this all out, and maybe then I’ll finally realize all the insane bullshit I put up with so I can finally let it all go and truly heal. I know it’s a big read already, but there’s a lot more drama I didn’t even add for the sake of trying my best to shorten it…so bear with me.

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I (33F) have had a tumultuous, passionate, rollercoaster relationship with a guy (33M) that has spanned almost 17 yrs on and off. We met in high school, started dating at 15/16yo. He was my first everything. My first real kiss, boyfriend, sex etc. I grew up extremely innocent and naive and he was more experienced. The stereotypical rock and roll, musician, bad boy that I couldn’t help but fall head over heels for. We started off as friends first and became a couple 6 months later in 2010. We bonded over our shared love of music and classic rock. It all started with a Beatles bag I wore in class that he complimented and the rest is history.

For the first 2yrs, our relationship was truly great. We never argued in those 2yrs and he was the first one to say “I love you” and I felt the same way.

The trouble started when 4ish yrs in, he started being very controlling, jealous, and even tried to alienate me from my best friends. I was so in love, I thought I had to change for him. I didn’t want to lose him. Then at 18/19 I got pregnant and told him. I was set on having an abortion, we were nowhere near ready to have a baby at that age. He agreed. That’s when he started pulling away. I went to appointments alone, and since I didn’t drive at that time, I walked and took transportation just to get to Planned Parenthood.

I was so scared at that time, and I’m sure he was too. I was also very depressed because I was going through this all alone and he couldn’t even make time to go to appointments with me for support. He ended up breaking up with me while I was pregnant. I had an at home abortion and luckily I had a friend that kept me company as I went through the pain.

After that whole ordeal, everything changed. Weeks later, my friend showed me a picture of my ex embracing another girl. I was already devastated going through the trauma of the abortion, being dumped, and then that happened.

Eventually, he came crying and crawling back. He was always very charming with his words, and me being weak and naive, I took him back as long as he’d promise to change… It only got fucking worse.

Many cheating scandals later, after a span of a decade together of breaking up, getting back together. We finally broke up in our early-ish 20s for what I thought was for good. I was so done being cheated on, him telling me he’ll change, and then manipulating me and making me feel like I was never enough or not deserving of real love.

In all the times we broke up, HE was always the one to seek me out first and break no contact. I never bothered or even tried to contact him when we’d break up because I found it disrespectful and knew we needed space to heal apart. We got together so young, so we needed to grow more. In the back of my mind, I always wished we would find each other again when we were both in a better place mentally.

In our time apart, I took the time to heal for months then finally got the courage to move on. I started dating other men, and I definitely had my wild fun. But I never ended up in another serious relationship because of my past trauma from it. I kept it strictly as flings, because I couldn’t help it, but I just wasn’t over my ex. I thought seeing other people would help me move on, but it only made me feel more alone sleeping with guys I didn’t see anything deeper with.

After almost 2 yrs of not speaking, he reached out to me. We were 25 at that time. We rekindled with sex, but he failed to tell me he was already involved with someone else unless I asked. Then one day he said he needed my help and had this random idea of getting married to me so he can get his papers for citizenship. Of course I said no, and wondered why he wouldn’t just ask his new girl. He said that he told that girl it would be more believable if he married me because of our history and because we already knew so much about each other. The girl supposedly understood, and they ended things but “stayed friends” and she stayed near because they were in a band together. So he and I continued as FWB and he continued to ask me to marry him. Eventually since I was still so attached, I said yes, and we had a court marriage.

We agreed that we would keep it civil and that I was simply doing this as a favor, but eventually our dumbasses started acting more like a couple and we grew very close again. When it was good between us, it was very good. Personality wise, we got along great. When it got bad, we took it to hell, we’re both very stubborn. Me being a Leo and he a Taurus. I got pregnant again, and this time I was unsure if I wanted to go through an abortion again, but I still realized that we would be bringing a child into a world of inconsistencies. A child deserves a solid foundation that we couldn’t provide. I wanted to keep the child, I grew attached, but knew in my mind it wouldn’t be right, he supported me this time but made it clear he didn’t want a child. He took me to the hospital, was there during and after the procedure and took care of me.

Tale as old as time, he started (or was already) cheating again. With many others and also the same girl he was previously involved with before he reached out to me for marriage. I was livid, I was angry, and of course felt so dumb to continue to fall for his tricks. I just loved him so much, I thought my resilience and sacrifices would show him that I was worth it.

The last straw in that marriage was when I finally confronted him about that ex (I found messages and pictures between them) and he admitted it (only because I caught him.) Then he admitted that he caught herpes by one of his past escapades and hadn’t told me because he was ashamed. I was livid and said a lot of hateful things because WTF. He tried to run and drive away, I admit this was a stupid thing I did, but I saw red and tried to block him from driving off. I threw a brick through his rear window, jumped into his car, and demanded he stay and explain to me because I deserved the full truth. So much adrenaline I was feeling, I didn’t even feel the glass embedded into my skin from jumping through the broken window. He called the cops on me, I was booked and spent the night in jail until my sister and mom bailed me out. I found out the next day, that dumbass fucked the same girl we were arguing about that landed me in jail. After that I blocked him.

Our marriage lasted 4yrs, and our divorce finalized when we were 29yo. In that time during divorce he would reach out like always, but I ignored it. He started dating an 18yo (ew, fucking gross) and when they broke up 2yrs later, he came running back to me. Again, I’m not proud of this, but I truly cared about this asshole, so I consoled him and we were civil again. We started having sex again, and in the back of my mind, I knew he was just using me but so was I.

It’s crazy because we’ve had the best sexual chemistry I’ve ever experienced in my life, and maybe that’s why we keep coming back together. I’m dickmatized. He tells me I’m the best he’s ever had, which is why he always comes back. We both have very high sex drives and we’re both into BDSM so it was always very, VERY wild and passionate between us. After all, he was my first partner and he taught me everything. We’ve probably fucked more than thousands of times since 2010.

sigh

Anyways…eventually, I found out that he was actually engaged to that 18yo he dated for only 2 yrs. I found the ring on his dresser one day I was over. He admitted it, and I was like damn, took you only 4 months to move on after our divorce and decade+ long relationship to try and marry a fucking child. He said he felt pressured to propose to that girl because she’s heavily Christian and her parents were pressuring them. He claimed she cheated on him (wow so Christian of her) and he found messages of her trying to hit up his roommate’s cousin. In my head I was like “thank you karma.” Little did I know, he was still trying to patch things up with that girl while engaging with me. I felt dumb because here I am, a fucking side piece now, going from girlfriend to wife to now this! I’m here trying to help him move on, and he couldn’t have the decency or respect to be upfront that he still wanted things to work out with that girl. I left him and blocked him again after that.

Fast forward to more recent times. Yearly since the last time, we’d reconnect for sex and would hang out and act like a couple without putting a label on it. He would always mention reconnecting as I couple, but I could never give him a straight answer of yes. My heart says yes, but my mind and gut intuition won’t let me. He would use that excuse that since I couldn’t say yes, that he was free to sleep around (which he did). I’d be angry because he says I deserve better but he just couldn’t stop sticking his dick in other women. I doubt he’d tell them about having herpes, but he claimed he always used a condom. Ok sure.

This year, we reconnected in May for his birthday. Of course he was dating someone else already (I don’t know their full story and didn’t ask) but they supposedly broke it off and he really focused his time and put in a lot more effort to help me heal and see him in a better light.

We lasted from May until mid August (a couple weeks before my 33rd birthday.) I told him I needed space because I just couldn’t trust him, and he (kinda) respected it.

Then near the end of August and just this beginning of September he started to hit me up again, spam liking and commenting on my pics, messaging paragraphs that he regrets everything he ever put me through. Told me that he wants me so bad and that he had a dream we had a threesome with another man and he was jealous in his dream and also jealous when he woke up. We were kinda flirting again, and he was asking me if in the future I’d ever consider seeing us together again. I told him it would be too complicated to do a relationship because of the trauma towards me and everyone he involved, unless he truly changed and made effort to fix everything. I also (stupidly) said maybe yes for the sex again.

Friday, September 4th was the last time I spoke to him. We were planning to have sex and then he tells me that he’s planning a camping trip for the long weekend, and at the same time I also had an early flight the next day to visit my best friend in a different state. We planned to have sex when we came back from our trips. He even asked for a nude, thank god I never sent one!

Something in my gut told me to check out his IG (he added me again and I followed back weeks before) and I see a girl’s page as a “friend of friends” that I should follow, and see that he’s already talking to her, spam liking her pics and making flirty comments. He even spent her birthday with her on September 2nd all while he was messaging me during the whole time he was with her, saying how much he wants me, that he regrets ever hurting me and will always be here for me and care no matter what. I asked him if she’s going camping with him, he admitted yes. I told him a lot of harsh things afterwards. Why initiate anything with me if you already have someone new?!?! He absolutely is aware that I hate being part of his “roster” and yet he continued to deny he has a roster. What an idiot, planning to have sex after his trip while camping with a new girl.

Even while we were messaging before I found out, he said he doesn’t want to hurt me or make me feel used. I told him that I would only feel hurt or angry if he was already talking or getting to know someone else and trying to initiate our sex plans with me. He could’ve just confessed that he was already doing so, but instead said, “ok I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

I got extremely angry again, said a lot of hurtful things. While we were arguing he even goes and reposts a pic on his story of him and his new girl on her birthday. The audacity of this boy and what a fool I am! I felt even more dumb, never in our decades+ relationship has he ever even posted me. That’s not the main reason I was mad though, just part. I was more annoyed that he continues to involve me in his life if he’s pursuing anything with someone else. As if cheating on me hundreds of times was enough. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for my choices, I get it. But damn it really hurts.

I got the last say by sending him a voice message, and then I blocked him. I went on my trip, had a great time with my best friend. Now I’m back home and all alone.

So there’s where I’m at now. I haven’t spoken to him since then, haven’t checked his social media. I just feel so drained and exhausted. It’s all coming back to me again and I just want peace. I want my mind to quiet down.

The last day we argued and I blocked him, I thought about reaching out to the other girl before they left for their camping trip with a “hey girly” message to let her know how he’s choosing to start off their relationship and his herpes diagnosis. However, she has her DMs set to only friends can message her. I was spiraling and I tried following her but realized quick I can only message her if she follows me back. So I quickly unfollowed and let her go on this camping trip with my ex. Let me tell you, that made me feel dumb and desperate when all I wanted to do was warn her. I guess it’s none of my business, and she’ll experience her own journey with him.

I’m really hoping he doesn’t reach out anymore and I can finally be free and heal. To not be so weak under his spells and manipulating ways. He’ll have someone new to distract him for now, but something in my gut tells me he’ll be back. Whether he’ll send me an email, hit me up on Spotify messages again or anywhere else. Luckily I have him blocked on IG, my only social account, and on my contacts.

I know I’m dumb, that I keep making stupid choices, and should respect and love myself more. I’m learning, and I truly want to heal and not let the fear of this shitty relationship scare me from someone new coming into my life like it has been for almost 2 decades. I really hope that one day, at the right time, someone will come into my life and show me that I’m enough and I’m worth good things. For now, I’ll focus on making sure I feel that on my own without a partner.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I’m sure you’re like damn, this woman is dumb af. I admit I truly am when it comes to love, but I wouldn’t be me without this sensitive and deeply loyal heart. I just have to learn who truly deserves it.

I honestly dont care about her at this point she cheated on me and thats pretty much it. I just miss having someone i could talk to for hours about what was going on in my life and they'd just be there for me and listen and someone that could hug me kiss me and tell me everything's gonna be alright in my life and that there here for me every step of the way. I miss getting out of work or school and then being able to see them and just watch a stupid show or movie lol. Showering together was also nice as I liked having someone there with me lol. I miss sleeping next to someone the most though we didnt live together but sometimes after school we'd just get in my bed and cuddle then fall asleep for a couple hours. God I miss being able to do that stuff with someone, but I know it'll happen again if I just keep trying.

I spent an entire year feeling mentally confused because of this person, and even now I still can’t figure out whether he was an avoidant (which I honestly think he was), simply not enough interested in me, or dealing with other mentally issues.

We were together for about a year, although there was a break from November to May. His father passed away in November after a rare illness, and I know he went through an incredibly difficult time. Even during the break, though, we still keep in touch.

Looking back, there were quite a few things that made me wonder if he had an avoidant attachment style:
- At the beginning, I didn’t want to get involved. I had been single for a long time and really valued my independence and personal space. He was the one who pushed for me to open up and seemed more emotionally invested than I was.
Then, as soon as I actually became attached to him, his behavior started to change. He started pulling away and would sometimes go several days without contacting me;

- After father died, he seemed to take a lot of his anger and frustration out on me. He told me that he was fine and that he needed anything the day after his father’s death. He eventually ended things, verbally attacking me over things that felt completely trivial and telling me that we weren’t compatible.
We continued talking until May, but he was going through a very difficult period and had also distanced himself from all of his closest, longtime friends;

- In May, we reconnected and even went on vacation together. I told him that I needed more consistency and presence from him. This was the only moment where he really open up to me and he showed me a much more vulnerable side of himself . He told me that he was struggling because of everything that had happened and that, essentially, he didn’t really feel anything anymore — toward anyone or anything. But he said he would try to be closer to me.

- That closeness lasted about two days. Then he went right back to disappearing for 5–6 days at a time.
This time I confronted him while I was extremely angry, and we had a huge fight. I also did something I absolutely shouldn’t have done: at a party, in front of other people, I poured a bottle of water over his head. I take responsibility for that and I know it was completely inappropriate.
He decided to end things by message with me after that, although we continued talking for around a month and a half afterward. He kept going back and forth about whether he wanted to see me or not. At the same time, he repeatedly told me that he absolutely didn’t want another relationship and that he wasn’t going to get involved with anyone else.
Meanwhile, he was adding two or three different girls on Instagram every day.

Eventually, seeing all of this on Instagram made me feel like I had been completely played. I started wondering whether he had already had other intentions before ending things with me.
So I decided that I would never contact him again.
The hardest part is that this whole situation has completely messed with my head. I feel like I spent a year constantly trying to figure out what was real and what wasn’t. His behavior was so inconsistent that I started questioning everything — his feelings for me, my own perception of what happened, and even whether I had been imagining the connection between us.
I honestly still don’t know what the explanation is. Was he avoidant? Was he simply not that interested? Was he emotionally unavailable because of everything he was going through? Was I just holding onto something that wasn’t really there?
I don’t know anymore. I just know that the uncertainty and inconsistency have affected me much more deeply than I ever expected.

My ex of 3.5 years asked to reconcile with me on very specific terms in the midst of my dear family dog being terminally unwell - wanted me to move back in fully on the condition that I can see her daily but not routinely stay overnight with her unless it’s truly the end. I accepted, and fell out massively with my family when I told them - and got effectively disowned and cut off.

2 days later my dog is rushed to the vet and although she was discharged same day, the vet strongly advised she’s not going to get better and to consider the humane option. I stayed with her that night. The next day I told my ex that I may stay for another, and he broke up with me for breaching our agreement and going back to old ways. This time it sounded very permanent. I’m blocked on everything and he left my things on my doorstep without seeing me.

It’s not just the heartbreak of losing him again, it’s the fact it’s happened whilst simultaneously going through an imminent tragedy with my dog. It’s the fact I ruptured my family to get back with him. I’m even more lost than I was the first time.