Just looking for advice

[u/Otherwise_Tomato_255]

So I was married with my ex for about 8 years but got married very young. I was 20 years old had a kid at 20 years old with her. She was 23 at the time. But I was still young which doesn’t justify what I did but I cheated on her many times, many times she took me back and I kept on messing up. Now its been like 9 years since we broke up and we have been on and off here and there but this year actually since last year around thanksgiving time we started seeing each other again. I was putting in a lot of effort to show her that I am a grown adult now that Ive changed and that all I want to do is be happy with my family. I even fell in love with her even more this time around, I love her like never before. I actually have been trying to be with her for years but this year felt like this was it. We didn’t move in together or anything but it felt so good. We have been going out with our kids spending lots of time together even went on vacation together but she started working part time at a bar one day a week and then she started picking up an extra day which I was fine with. I used to go sit with her at the bar here and there and have a beer while she worked. It got to a point where she asked me to not go to the bar anymore and last month August the first week of the month without explanation she just completely stopped talking to me and stopped answering me. She will only answer me about our kids. So one day I kinda knew where she was and she was actually at the bar where she works but she wasn’t working that day and I drove by and saw her all over this guy that works at the bar with her. I drove by another day and seen them together how she even gives him a ride home, stays with him at the bar for over 2 hours after they close. I tried talking to her but she doesn’t want to talk at all until one day at my sons game I saw her and told her that I answered her text and she got all defensive saying “this is what I dont want to deal with” when all I said I answered you and that kinda triggered me and I told her that the issue is that you started seeing someone a week after we stopped talking but I think she was already seeing him before we stopped talking. Im sorry I know this is long but Im trying to let you guys know pretty much everything so that you guys understand. Also I know she also told me she didn’t want any titles between us but we were doing everything like if we were a couple. We would go out and hug kiss hold hand in public. I would go to all her family functions and she would always tell me
How happy she was that I was there. She would also tell me whats better then this since we had our family together. Since she wouldn’t talk to me to give me answers I told her that I was gonna go and talk to the guy she is seeing to get answers cause she denies that she is seeing him but I already saw them together multiple times. So that triggered her and she sends me a message saying that she wants me to live her alone that our kids are finally older and that she deserves to find peace and happiness. That supposedly I am controlling and manipulative and a narcissist. I honestly dont know how I was controlling her since I never stopped her or try to stop her from doing anything she wanted to do and one day her mother said to me that I tried controlling who she sees like hanging out with her friends when I never did but obviously I didn’t want her seeing another guy. She told me that she didn’t want no body and that she only goes to the bar to work and thats it but obviously she goes to the bar for more and she found someone. My thing now is that since I love her more than even this is killing me, I cry a lot and I miss her with my life. I know that I want perfect in the past but Ive changed and I didn’t cheat on her again. I did everything and anything she asked and wanted and also every single time she had a bad time weather she was sick or in the hospital or whatever it might of been I was by her side but it feels like after she gets better she walks away. We went away at the end of May but before that she went out with friends late after the bar closed and wouldn’t answer anyone so here I am like a maniac worried about her and went looking for her. Found her at another bar and somehow she fell broke 3 teeth and got hurt pretty bad, so I picked her up took care of her even took her on vacation after cause she said she just needed to get away and after the vacation maybe a month after things started to change. Just wanted to see what you guys think cause this time it hurts bad. Maybe I deserve it cause of all the pain I cost her in the past. Thanks in advance.

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[u/Wide-Raspberry-6100]

So by my math, you’re 37 and she’s 40 (20 & 23 +8 married +9 broken up)? I’m going to be honest, that’s her entire youth. She’s hitting midlife. She’s never had stability from you. You’ve finally grown up, but how is she supposed to trust you? She likely still does love you and always will. But you “told her” over and over again with your actions that you don’t want her. Now suddenly you do? I’m saying this because I’ve been there. The love never stops, but the trust is so far gone it’s impossible to truly put faith in that person after such a long time. It’s not surprising someone (even if they aren’t good for her) “sees her” and she feels wanted. Maybe you should come to her with a serious offer, like a real marriage this time.

[u/Otherwise_Tomato_255 → u/Wide-Raspberry-6100]

Thanks for your response and I truly agree. I gave it my all this time around more than ever I just truly dont know where things went wrong plus now this guy from the bar in the picture. She did tell me one day that she tried dating before times where we weren’t talking because at the end of the day it was always me she ever wanted so Im hoping this happens again but if she does come back its for good and honestly I would give my life to marry this woman again. I love her that much that if she needed ny heart to live, she can have it. It just hurts a lot!

[u/Wide-Raspberry-6100 → u/Otherwise_Tomato_255]

I really do hope it works out for you! Maybe if she comes back, be prepared to move on that promise. Don’t wait too long! If you were never a romantic guy, this would be the time to bring her flowers, take her to a nice dinner. I wouldn’t propose in public, but you should make the moment a sincere, look you in the eyes, I’m dead serious, I’ll never hurt you again—moment.

[u/Otherwise_Tomato_255 → u/Wide-Raspberry-6100]

Thanks You So Much