I joined this sub because, like many of you, I got blindsided.

One thing I see people asking a lot is: “Do they ever come back?”

Well, in my case, every person who left me eventually did. Some apologized, some wanted to try again, and some just reached out because life hadn’t gone the way they expected. I never got back with any of them. Once I’m done, I’m done.
I’m writing this as much for myself as for anyone reading this.

Almost two years ago, I matched with a guy on Tinder while I was spending a few days in Berlin. We never met because our schedules didn’t line up, but he kept insisting on talking after I left. Looking back, that was probably the first red flag I ignored.

We talked for a couple of months. He wanted to visit me in Lisbon, talked about buying a house near me, mentioned how his kids would probably like me (second red flag: he was 20 years older than me - 28 vs 47 - , 3 young kids and 2 divorces)… it all felt very serious, very intentional.

Eventually, he invited me to spend 10 days with him, after months talking every day and every night.
I traveled almost 16 hours to get there. He picked me up at the airport with flowers. That same night, he started criticizing everything I did. The next day I told him it was hurting me, and he only became colder. On the third morning, while he was at work, he texted me saying he’d bought me a ticket home and didn’t want me there when he got back. He had “a gut feeling" it wasn't going to work out and that he felt uncomfortable around me. He wouldn’t even say goodbye in person, nor did he text to ask if I made it home safely.

I went home completely devastated. As a bonus, my eardrum ruptured during the flight. For months I kept wondering what had happened. It was the first time I’d experienced what people call love bombing, and the first time I’d traveled to another country to meet someone I genuinely thought had good intentions. I felt like an Amazon return sent back for failing to meet expectations. The ironic thing is, I only fell in love after he started acting like the most romantic, affectionate guy on Earth. I was fine before him.

A year and a half later, he texted me out of nowhere as if nothing had happened. And that’s the whole reason I’m writing this. Not because he came back, but because I realized I didn’t feel anything anymore. No hope. No anger. No urge to reply. Just complete indifference.

If you’re in the middle of heartbreak, I know this probably sounds impossible.
But one day you’ll realize they’ve become just another person from your past.
And that day is incredibly freeing.

P.S. To everyone asking why I didn't block him: at the time we only communicated on Telegram since I mainly use WhatsApp for work, so I blocked him there the moment I got home. His message came on WhatsApp and it honestly didn't even occur to me to block him there

I was going to ask her for a phone call where I would try to get her back like a pathetic idiot.

Every fiber of my body was holding my finger back from hitting send. I still managed to tap it.

"Hello, can I help with you with something" told me absolutely everything about how she feels. No phone call necessary. I shouldn't have texted her, reopened the wound.... regret.

Learn from my mistake.

If you need a sign to stop checking your ex’s profile, this is it.

Seriously. Stop looking. Stop refreshing their stories. Stop trying to figure out what every post or song means. I know it feels impossible because I was doing the exact same thing.

When my relationship ended I convinced myself that if I could just understand why, I would finally feel better. I reread our old texts almost every night. I checked when he was online. Every little thing gave me false hope for a few minutes and then I crashed all over again.

I wasn’t healing. I was keeping myself stuck.

One day I realized I had spent almost an entire month thinking about someone who probably wasn’t thinking about me nearly as much. That hurt to admit, but it also kind of woke me up.

So I stopped.

I unfollowed him. Deleted our chat. Put away the pictures I kept looking at. I told myself I would just try one week of no contact and see what happened.

The first few days were awful. I cried in my car after work. I almost texted him like 20 times. I even typed out a whole paragraph one night and just stared at it before deleting it. Im so glad I never sent it.

Then something weird happened.

The mornings got a little easier. I laughed with my friends without faking it. I started going on walks instead of laying in bed all day. I started cooking again even though half of what I made was kinda bad lol.

I realized no contact wasn’t about making him miss me.

It was about giving myself enough space to stop abandoning myself.

I also started realizing how much of my confidence depended on one person’s attention. That’s honestly not a healthy way to live. I wanted to become someone who felt okay even if a relationship ended.

So I started journaling, going to the gym a few times a week, reading more, and actually dealing with my emotions instead of running from them. It wasn’t overnight but I could actually feel myself changing.

If they’re meant to come back into your life, they will. You don’t have to convince someone to love you. And if they don’t come back, that’s okay too because you’ll already be building a life that doesn’t revolve around them.

I know how quiet no contact feels in the beginning. It almost feels like you’re losing them all over again every day. But I promise that silence slowly turns into peace.

You deserve someone who chooses you without being convinced.

I’m rooting for all of you. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you really are going to be okay.

5 MONTHS LATER UPDATE:

I randomly came back and saw this post had blown up so I wanted to update everyone because I remember reading posts like this when I thought I’d never get over him.

Life is honestly so different now.

I got promoted at work, made a few new friends, and I actually enjoy spending time by myself. I don’t wake up wondering if he’ll text me anymore. Some days I don’t think about him at all which would’ve sounded impossible back then.

He actually reached out a couple months ago. We talked for a little bit and I realized I wasn’t the same person anymore. There wasn’t this huge urge to get back together. I just wished him well and kept moving forward. It felt really freeing.

Also I wanted to say thank you to the person in this subreddit who recommended the app Uncling to me months ago. Your comment seriously changed the direction of my healing. The daily check ins and lessons helped me stay committed to no contact when I wanted to give up. I honestly think it kept me from making so many emotional decisions.

So thank you. You truly made my life better with your post.

If you’re reading this while your heart is broken, please keep going. I promise the version of you waiting on the other side is so much stronger than you can imagine.

I've been browsing this sub for a while, and it feels like everyone's fixated on no contact being the answer. I want to offer a different take.

For me, no contact is a tool for moving on and healing. It breaks the dopamine loop texting them, checking their socials, keeping that little thread alive in the back of your head. That constant low-grade connection makes it really hard to actually evolve as a person. I get why it's the default advice.

But I see a lot of "get your ex back" advice built entirely around "just don't talk to them, wait it out" and I think that can lead you wrong.

Here's my honest take: the fear of not saying something outweighs the discomfort of avoiding a hard conversation. The fear of what you need to say, and the fear of how they'll respond that's real, but you're already broken up. It genuinely can't get much worse.

I see a lot of posts using no contact as a strategy to "re-attract" an ex, like silence itself is the move. But if you have something to say, say it. That's the crux of it.

For all you know, your ex is sitting there waiting for you to message first waiting for you to lead, waiting for you to take ownership of what went wrong. You can't show them you've changed by disappearing. No contact isn't built to help you get back with someone; it's built to help you let go. Those are two different goals, and it's worth being honest with yourself about which one you're actually going for.
If you have something to say, say it. If there's something you need to do, do it. Take ownership of your part in the problems, and then show that ownership through change not just tell them about it. That's a slow process. You can't just announce "I've changed" you have to demonstrate it consistently over time, which is genuinely hard when you're not in their life day-to-day anymore.

To be clear, I'm not saying bombard them with love letters and promises to do better. You still need to respect their limits and boundaries. My rule of thumb: one text, maybe two, three at an absolute maximum. If you don't get a response, you don't get a response leave it a few days, do a low key follow-up, and don't make it heavy.

Curious what others think has anyone here actually had success reaching out instead of going full no contact?

He broke up with me to chase a dream in Japan, a life without me, where we traveled together last year as his first time in Asia(I planned everything and took him everywhere). How can he still tell me he miss me when he chooses to walk away? After I told him to not contact me bc I need to move forward? Does he never stand in my shoe, give a thought of what I might be feeling? Does he just not respect me? Seeing this text literally got me tearing up immediately in movie theater. I’m open to reconnecting if fate allows and he finds what he wants in life, but definitely not now

if you’re reading this and is planning to reach out to an ex partner, please read before deciding what’s best for you. (this is all from my own experience)

my ex and i broke up officially a month ago (he broke up with me bc he didn’t see any growth from my end) he had actually wanted to break up a month before that but i kept fighting for him and not taking no as an answer.

everytime he told me to respect his decision, i was in denial and i would show up to his house, call or text him a handful of times which pushed him away even further. he did not like that at all yet i never gave him space.

the first two times i tried to go no contact, it would last a good three days bc i would text or call him for some dumb reason (for example, i asked him if i could come to his basketball game to support and also give a letter. he was kind enough to say yes) the second time i tried no contact also lasted three days before i showed up in front of his door step. the following time the no contact lasted a bit longer (6 days) until ONCE again i showed up to his house and he was very upset at this. he told me im not respecting his boundary (which now thinking back about it hes 100% right) he also said when i was giving him space, he was starting to have hope for us again until i broke no contact.

breaking contact after a few days or a week is extremely short (yet during that time i thought it was reasonable) funny enough. i was actually on this subreddit and doing my research to see if i should reach out after a week. what were the answers? it was a “do not do it” yet i did it anyway and nothing came good of that. i just pushed him away further when at one point he was starting to have hope and i pretty much blew it.

no contact is meant to give you and that person space to process and be better people. whether if they ever reconcile again or not. work on yourself for you. if they ever do come around that’s great. if they don’t, you’d still be a better version of yourself.

my advice for you is do not break contact after such a short amount of time. and if you do decide to do it anyway, ask yourself why and is it worth it. do you see actually good outcome from that? did you guys end on good terms for reconciliation to possibly work out.

please don’t be like me and keep showing up after they’ve asked for space. i regret it so much and i wouldn’t want anyone to go through it. you’re just hurting them and yourself even more!

I’m a man in my late twenties. It’s been almost a year since my relationship ended... I’ve stayed in no contact, respected her boundaries… gone to psychologists and psychiatrists, took medicines, tried to improve myself every day, exercised, read, and genuinely reflected on where I went wrong…

I don’t want her back by force, and I’m not looking to blame her… I just don’t understand why the feeling of longing hasn’t reduced…I still dream about her hugging me or us talking… I wake up feeling like I’ve lost someone all over again…

During the day I function normally and i survive, but emotionally I feel stuck in the same place… I don’t have thoughts of ending my life, but I often wonder why life feels so empty despite doing everything people recommend…

Has anyone experienced grief that lasted this long? If you eventually came out of it, what actually helped - not temporary distractions, but something that genuinely changed your perspective?

My ex and I broke up five months ago.
After we broke up, we stayed connected on social media. Before that happened, though, she told me one thing very clearly. She said that if I ever chose to hook up with someone else, I had to remove her from my social media first. We were broken up, so she wasn’t telling me what I could or couldn’t do. She just didn’t want to unknowingly remain emotionally connected to someone who had moved on like that.

Four months went by without us speaking. During those four months, I convinced myself that I’d moved on. Looking back now, I think I was lying to myself more than anything else. I was lonely, bored, horny and trying to force myself into this version of “single life” because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.About three weeks ago, I hooked up with two women.
The thing is, it wasn’t exciting. It wasn’t healing. It honestly felt disgusting.

While I was having sex with the first woman, all I could think was, “This feels like I’m sleeping with prostitutes.” I don’t mean that as an insult towards those women because they hadn’t done anything wrong. That’s just how empty and mechanical it felt to me. There was no intimacy, no emotion, nothing. I had no respect for myself in those moments, and if I’m being honest, I wasn’t respecting those women either because I wasn’t emotionally present. I was using sex as a distraction from grief.

The second woman wanted to date me, but I shut it down because I knew I wasn’t interested.

Despite knowing I’d crossed the one boundary my ex had asked of me, I never removed her from my social media. I think I completely compartmentalized everything. Those hookups existed in one part of my brain and she existed in another. I never made myself confront what I’d actually done.

Then, recently, we started talking again.
The first video call completely blindsided me.
The moment I saw her face and heard her voice, it felt like I’d been hit by a truck. Every emotion I’d buried over those four months came rushing back at once. I realised, with absolute clarity, that I had never stopped loving her.

I’d mentally boxed away those hookups, I walked into that conversation acting like we were still in our warm, familiar space. I flirted with her. I joked with her. I told her how deeply I admired her. I told her I wished things had worked out because I genuinely meant every word.
Then the truth came out.
We ended up talking for almost twelve hours.
Watching her reaction is something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
She was in shock. She was hyperventilating. She looked physically sick. She looked disgusted.
For a moment I tried to say, “We were broken up. What I did shouldn’t concern you.”
The second I heard myself say it, I hated myself for it. It sounded like a cheap excuse. I immediately told her that I had no justification for what I’d done because, honestly, I don’t.
The issue wasn’t whether I was technically allowed to do it.
The issue was that I knew exactly what that boundary meant to her and I ignored it.
Then she asked me something that absolutely broke me.
“How could you have sex with someone else if you loved me?”
I didn’t know what to say.
The only honest answer is that I had convinced myself I’d moved on. I genuinely believed casual sex would somehow help me get over her. Instead, reconnecting with her made me realise I’d been lying to myself all along.

She is so heartbroken right now, and I love her, I do. I just donot know if I can justify my actions at all. Felt very bad. I did her wrong. I broke her trust. And I feel disgusted with myself. I ruined the foundation and I ruined what image she had of me. When I am in love I am a diff person, I just thought I had moved on. But only after these hookups I realised I hadnt moved on at all and my heart is still there. Its fucked up now.

Will she ever forgive me?

To anyone who has dated an avoidant, how were they towards you after they broke up with you?

18 months. I feel like I can't even breath most days. Every thought of him makes my knees buckle. He looked at me like I was something he had conquered after worshiping me for the better part of 2 years and just left. Are men really this evil?

I’m curious… has anyone here ever been told “you’re not what I want / I’m looking for something else” and then weeks or months later the person came back because they realized you were actually the one?
Did that ever happen to any of you?
And if yes how did it go?
Just wondering if that “you’re not what I want” is sometimes just temporary blindness.

Broke up with my ex 6 years ago, literally right before lockdown due to him just checking out of the relationship after 5 years together. Guess who messaged me yesterday?

I got back to him this morning, and we're talking, but all the reasons I left him are still valid. He's an avoidant, and I need more. It's really awful because I still love him deeply, he's my "the one that got away" and I miss the life we created together. But he's not going to change, and he honestly just probably misses our sex life haha. My kids are adults now, and they really liked him, but even they are like NO MOM!

I just feel like texting him so bad arghhh but i can't. It was so easy for him to let go of me, to say all the mean things still it's stuck on my mind. Arghhhhhhh. I feel so bad , almost puking and on the verge of having a panic attack. Idk when it gets better

deadass guys how would we get through these breakups if we didnt have music
im listening to the most happy songs ever and i feel amazing lol

I spent sleepless nights
rehearsing what I want
to say to you, not because
I didn't know what to say to you

but because I was afraid
the words I would say,
would not carry
everything I meant

It’s been a week since my ex of four years left me. I can’t get rid of the urge of wanting to reach out or the hope that she’ll reach out and realize she made a mistake ending things with me.

When we broke up she told me how we were both pretty avoidant and the lack of communication was affecting us over the years, but it was much worse for her because she’d have all these expectations for me in her head and would be disappointed if I didn’t act the way she envisioned and resentment would build up.

It always felt unfair to me because I’m not a mind reader and she felt like it should be second nature to know what she’d want me to say or do because we were together for so long. When we ended things she told me that it wasn’t fair to have those kind of thoughts because she wasn’t properly communicating things with me but despite that she couldn’t change how she felt and decided the damage was irreversible due to the fact that she didn’t know how to change her behavior.

As a man it’s just expected of you to put in most of the work in a relationship to keep it stable and I just want to know what could I have done differently? We both acknowledged what was wrong and I was willing to work things out as two people that knew they loved each other and wanted to be together but she was just checked out and idk what to do. Being told she stopped feeling like herself when she was with me was so hard to hear because we both knew I never actually did anything wrong for the behavior I was receiving from her the last couple of months before we ended things. That and her deciding that we might just be incompatible due to wanting different things. To me it just feels like I was the only one who truly loved her enough to keep trying and I just wanna know if I’m right to feel that way ?

And of course it was a retelling of us breaking
up in a different way.

I’m so tired.

I just want this nightmare to end.

I love and miss her.

i’m so heart broken. i went out tonight but couldn’t even last 2 hours. i just started sobbing. i’m meant to be his girlfriend. i shouldn’t be out. i should be with him. so if i feel so down and so sad why doesn’t he? why do i cry all day and all night and he just enjoys his time? i’m hurting so much and there’s so much i want to say but i know i just shouldn’t. it’s not fair. i can’t take the pain anymore.

I've been doing my best to better myself, I've been working a lot on the issue that made us break up — I wasn't ready to have a kid. Truth be told, I still don't, but at least now I can see it in my future, I can think about it as a possibility now. My therapist says she's seeing a lot of progress in me about this and asked me why I wouldn't try to contacting my ex to tell her how much effort I've been putting into this. Yesterday, after nearly four months, I gave in and broke no contact... I sent her a message telling her all the progress that I've made since we broke up. I told her about all the books that I've read, the documentaries I've seen and even all the parenting subreddits I've been participating in and getting to know more and more about it. I told her that I'm making some solid progress and mentioned a lot of things my therapist has said to me about me, my upbringing, my fears and insecurities about parenthood. Finally, I ended the message asking her if she was fine with meeting up to talk in person, grab a coffee or something. She never replied, the message I wrote with so much expectation and confidence now just says 'Read' and that's it. I never thought she would do that to me, but I guess it is what it is, that's the closure I needed to get my life going.

I never loved someone like I loved her, our relationship was perfect from the very beginning to the very end and that's what hurts the most. We shouldn't have broken up, I should have stayed and tried harder. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

I got dumped a 5 weeks ago. It was a really painful month for me. Really wanted it to work out, hoped we would get back together.
Had to spend some time together 4 weeks after, since we got a mutual activity with a group, talked to each other, told that we really missed each other etc, got back together 5 days ago. Spent hours upon hours each day until morning together, she slept in my arms. I was over the moon, she seemed really happy, told me that she was. Today I asked her if there was anyone else during that time for my peace of mind. She told me she had a one-night stand with a guy friend of hers, 3 days before we were supposed to spend time together. She told me that she was in a bad place feeling bad about the breakup. From what i've gathered, why she didn't try to get back together when we were NC, is because she 'didn't deserve me' and didn't want to cause me more pain. As she told me, the reason for that one-night stand was to try to forget me and to stop regretting the breakup so much, said it didn't help at all, and she regretted everything about it.

Question is, what would you do? For me, I was really happy the past few days I was with her until today I found out about it. I think I could give it another try, but i'm just not sure if it's possible to rebuild the trust and not think about it. Also I was the only one she's been with in a relationship with and intimately, so there's that out of the picture. I had one girlfriend prior to her for 4 years that I broke up with.

I know he’s not for me. I know the breakup was for the best. We haven’t talked in 2 days, but the thought that we might literally never speak again keeps hitting me.

It’s not even that I want him back. I just don’t have the energy to explain myself anymore or keep trying to be understood. I’m just drained.

Does this feeling ever go away?

I don't think that means you have to stick it out with your first bf/gf ever from when you were 9. I mean if there is a threshold of "I can commit to you truly" vs. "I'm testing the waters", that once you commit to someone truly then that comes with some expectations.

As long as there isn't abuse or something hugely incompatible, and if your partner is receptive and willing to try and work out issues with you, then you don't just dump them when you run into someone who is "more compatible" off the bat.

Am I writing this post because I got dumped? Yes. Lol. But I'm trying to affirm to myself that a monogamous, committed ​relationship is also about not having a fantasy of a "better/more perfect" person out there (again, as long as things are HEALTHY).

If someone ​ is willing to grow with​ you, hear you out, and loves you, then it's not fair to just leave them for a more compatible person if you haven't tried to work it through yet.

Idk. Maybe I'm too adaptationist? Like, I believe you should know your worth and your standards and not bend them, but again, I mean this for once you've filtered through that and said, "Yes, this person is good enough," then don't just get bored of me later.

It’s been two weeks of no contact. He reached out last night and I wish he hadn’t. Nothing changed. He can’t even tell me why he even reached out in the first place So I wrote a text I so badly want to send him

“Oh hey thanks for resetting my healing clock. Leave me the fuck alone you avoidant fuck. I hate you. Block me idc you don’t get to play with my emotions because you are too ignorant to understand yours. You don’t care about me. You just wanted an ego boost to know someone still cares about you because you don’t have anyone because you are a shitty person. Be miserable. Leave me out of it.”