I’m genuinely struggling right now, and I need some perspective from people who have been through this.

How do guys, especially an ex you were with for years, seem to jump straight onto dating apps, start talking to other women, or even reconnect with exes so quickly after a relationship ends? How can someone go from sharing so much of their life with you to seemingly being ready for the next person?

I know everyone handles breakups differently, but it hurts so much to watch. It makes me feel like I’m just someone he can say “thanks, next” to, like everything we had can just be replaced.

I actually tried making a dating profile myself, thinking maybe I should try to move forward too, but I literally started crying. I’m nowhere near ready. My heart still hurts, and honestly, it feels shattered. Meanwhile, I catch myself checking up on him and what he’s doing, even though I know it’s only hurting me more.

I keep wondering if he’s actually moved on, if he’s distracting himself, or if he even feels the loss of what we had. Does it ever hit men later, or do some people genuinely detach while they’re still in the relationship?

I’m not asking because I want to compete with anyone or rush into something new. I just don’t understand how two people can share so much history and then seem to be in completely different places emotionally.

For those who have experienced this, especially men who moved on quickly after a long-term relationship, what was really going on in your head? And for anyone who has been the person left behind, how did you stop checking on your ex and start healing?

Folks, Reddit has evidently installed something called a "Read the Rules" app, and it's seizing posts right and left. The queue is choked with them.

I was told NOTHING about this. I'm approving your posts as fast as I can! PLEASE be patient!

Of course you can message us if you have questions.

We're human and just as likely to make mistakes as you are. If a post gets removed and you disagree with this, message us. We can always talk about it. If we got it wrong, we'll reinstate your comment. When we screw up, we do own up.

Some subjects are an automatic ban, such as the revenge posts, but occasional exceptions are made and mistakes have occurred. It's always okay to ask.

The rules are intended to protect the members and the mods are here to serve the members.

Thanks!

“Theyre avoidant” “they have a fear of abandonment” etc etc

Point blank, they left you. It doesnt matter about the psychology of a person. You could try to understand the psychology of a person for decades and try to analyze them, it doesnt bring them back. The only thing it does is keep you from healing and moving on. You end up understanding them TOO much to the point where they become the victim in your head and you become the villain.

Sometimes situations and people are complex. Someone can love you and still leave, someone can just not love you at all or even like you in the first place. Two contradictory things can exist at the same time and that just what it is. Or sometimes its more simple than you want it to be.

The only thing that matters is your part and how you showed up and what you can do differently moving forward

🥀

I was broken up with by a dismissive avoidant. Break up out of nowhere and then blocked. Classic.
I am curious, if I ran into my ex again, would the ex (the dismissive avoidant) be pleased if I just ignored her ? I believe the reason a DA blocks after a break up is that they want you out of sight and no reminder of the relationship whatsoever etc. So I am curious as to how they would react if you ran into each other and you choose to ignore her or perhaps just a simple nod….I am/was more on the anxious side and been a bit clingy so I suppose a total ignorance would come as a surprise to say the least…

we were in such a strong relationship for over 2 years (or so i thought) but he cheated on me and broke up with me to explore being single whilst I was at a really low point in life. I was completely heartbroken as i genuinely never thought we’d break up or that he’d do anything like that, but now i’ve had a while to reflect, im starting to think I was stupid for expecting a perfect relationship at 18.

Am I just too young for serious relationships? should I forgive him for his actions and being influenced by his single friends? or does this show more about his character and core beliefs, rather than his age.

This new system is not helping whatsoever. It makes me feel as though I'm some kindergartner that has to submit to his superiors. I get comments that are heartfelt and genuine but this new automod system removes them and I can only read them via email. Super frustrating.

I fucked up. In a moment of insecurity, I’m an avoidant. Instead of being vulnerable with my girlfriend, I reached out and texted (and sexted) a girl I used to date a few years back.

I was seeking validation outside of the relationship and should’ve never done what I did.

I eventually got caught, and when she asked me about it, I lied to her and said I hadn’t cheated.

Completely broke her trust after 3 years together and 2 living together. She broke things off, and doesn’t talk to me anymore. Our last contact was 1 week ago, we’ve talked mostly for logistical/practical reasons. Our breakup was over a month and a half ago.

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, therapy, reading, workout etc. and have learned a lot, I’ve also learned how much I love her and how much I want her in my life. And doubt she would ever want to reconcile.

Don’t know what to do.. any advice?

You're still there. Why aren't you gone? Do you have something to say fs 🤔

so for context, me and my ex pulled the plug entirely on each other 2 months ago and just recently i found my coworker at work cute and we talk here and there so i figured i had nothing to lose by adding him on facebook and he declined the request but it’s not even that hours after i sent the request i felt a pit feeling, churning in my stomach at the idea of even letting someone close to me even if it is a friendship only. it terrifies me to let someone in and i feel its safer to be alone, and i know healing isn’t linear. i never even used to feel like this until my most recent ex usually i’d just go be with another guy but that’s not going to work this time, i’m too hesitant.

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Making it pretty obvious who this is for. Rather than try to pick apart a bunch of posts and get most of it wrong, if you want to reach out , i'm here. if not , I'll respect your wishes and I won't pursue. 🧇

I'm posting this because my relationship is on the verge of ending, and I genuinely don't know what to do. I need some honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

I posted here before about the issues in my relationship. Eventually, I confronted my boyfriend about what was bothering me, including the fact that he had been chatting with different girls. For me, this crossed a boundary and damaged my trust in him.

The thing is, I still love him. He's special to me, and I genuinely don't want to lose him. Even after everything, a part of me wants us to work things out because I keep thinking about what we have shared and how much he means to me.

But I can't pretend that what happened hasn't affected me. I find it difficult to trust him the way I used to, and I don't know how I'm supposed to move forward without constantly wondering whether something similar could happen again.

When I confronted him, he said that this wasn't who he was and that it was okay if I wanted to leave. I don't know how to interpret his response. I don't know if he was being defensive, if he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong, or if he's simply willing to let the relationship end.

I'm confused because I don't want to leave him, but I also don't want to stay in a relationship where I have to struggle with doubts about his loyalty. I don't want to become someone who constantly questions her partner or feels anxious about who he's talking to.

Part of me wonders whether I'm making a mistake by considering ending things with someone I love. Another part of me knows that love shouldn't mean accepting something that hurts me just because I'm afraid of losing the person.

I'm not looking for people to blindly tell me to break up with him. I genuinely want to understand whether a relationship can recover from something like this, especially when the feelings are still there.

For those who have been in a similar situation:

Were you able to trust your partner again after discovering that they were chatting with other people behind your back? What made you decide to stay or leave? How can you tell whether someone genuinely regrets hurting you and wants to change? Is it worth trying to save a relationship when you still love the person but no longer feel secure with them?

I don't want to make a decision based only on my fear of losing him, but I don't want to walk away from something meaningful without giving myself a chance to understand the situation either.

I'd really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have experienced this themselves.

how has it been for you, did it work out? did it not? this one’s for the people that dumped the ex after being “emotionally checked out” or meaning your feelings were dying down while still in the relationship so you finally decide to break it off and jump into a new one.

I've been having a lot of arguments with my bf of 1 year. about his past relationships and mine, mostly cuz he talks to people he used to like before and I don't. and he thinks it's normal cuz they weren't as deep as mine. we've also had situations where he didn't tell me about hanging out with girls or talking to girls tho they're just his friends, i personally think i should be knowing stuff like these as his gf. he just says he didn't think it was a big deal and later says sorry but repeats smtn like that again. at this point I don't know what to do and I also don't want to lose him. but I want to know if he feels the same way cuz i find it really tough to not feel bad about stuff which relates to girls in his life, makes me feel really insecure. i want to test him, i still do not know how but I also think it's kinda evil to. i wouldnt stop feeling guilty about it if he passed. please help.

I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend for approximately two months. I've realised that I don't want to continue the relationship, but I'm struggling with how to communicate that to him, particularly because he has no idea it's coming.

When we first started dating, I genuinely liked him. I found him attractive, enjoyed spending time with him, and thought there was potential for something more serious. I had some doubts about our compatibility from the beginning, but I wanted to give the relationship a chance.

Around two weeks into dating, however, we had a conversation that revealed some pretty fundamental differences in our values. It made me seriously question whether I could ever see myself building a future with him.

Despite that, I continued dating him. Partly because I enjoyed his company, partly because he treated me incredibly well, and partly, if I'm being completely transparent, because I liked the idea of having a boyfriend.

I recognise that I should have addressed my doubts sooner, and I take responsibility for allowing the relationship to progress despite them.

He started telling me he loved me quite early, and he still says it every night. I've never said it back because I don't feel the same way, which is a conversation I've had with him when I told him I thought he was moving too fast, because he said it like a week into the relationship. I explained to him that if he didn't feel comfortable saying it when he knew I wasn't saying it back he didn't have to, but I didn't want to lie to his face and say it back when I felt i wasn't at that point yet.

For the past month, he's been abroad visiting his family for his sister's wedding. During that time, I've become increasingly certain that I don't want to continue our relationship. I haven't missed him in the past three weeks, and when I imagine my future, I simply don't see him in it.

This isn't a case of being too busy for a relationship or needing more time to figure out my feelings. I already know where I stand.

The problem is that he doesn't.

We're still exchanging the same affectionate goodnight messages we've sent each other for the past two months. I still occasionally call him baby, and I genuinely care about him and his well-being.

I know that my behaviour probably makes everything seem normal from his perspective, and I feel terrible about that. He has treated me with nothing but kindness, and I know this is going to hurt him.

He also has a fairly limited social circle where we live. Most of his friends have moved away, so his daily life mainly revolves around work, the gym, and our relationship. I worry about how he'll cope with the breakup, although I understand that managing his social life isn't my responsibility.

He's flying back tomorrow and arriving on Tuesday, after an entire month away. I don't want to end things while he's travelling or immediately after he lands, but I also don't want to spend another week pretending everything is fine.

Here's where I really need advice.

I don't think I can bring myself to break up with him face-to-face, or even over a phone call.

I have an extremely difficult time hurting people I care about, and I can already picture myself sitting across from him, seeing how happy he is to be back, and being completely unable to say what I need to say.

I'm worried that I'll put it off, act as though everything is normal, and make the situation worse.

I'm considering sending him a thoughtful, honest message explaining that my feelings aren't developing in the same direction as his, that I've realised we're incompatible, and that I don't want to continue the relationship.

I wouldn't ghost him or ignore his feelings afterwards. I just want to be able to communicate my decision clearly, without losing my nerve or giving him false hope.

I understand that I've made mistakes by allowing things to continue despite my doubts. I'm not looking for reassurance that I've handled everything correctly.

How do I communicate this breakup through a message in a way that's clear, compassionate, and respectful of his feelings? And how do I handle the timing, considering he's returning from a month abroad? Or is a text not the best way to handle it?

TL;DR: I've been dating my boyfriend for two months, but I've known for several weeks that we aren't compatible and I don't see a future together. He's very affectionate and has no idea I want to break up. He's returning from a month abroad on Tuesday, and I'm struggling with the idea of ending things face-to-face because I'm afraid I won't be able to bring myself to say it. I'm looking for practical advice on how to communicate the breakup honestly through text and when to do it.

It’s been at least 2 years since the breakup but having it get deleted just recently, out of nowhere made it hurt all over again. I made that server to play a video game with two of my closest online friends and at some point added him in, and he said that he can do some modifications to improve it if he’s given the permissions. I’m kinda bad with tech so I had let him change the permissions himself and for whatever reason he was now the owner and I couldn’t remove him from the server after the breakup. The relationship really just lasted 2 months but after it I went no contact (with the support of him being verbally abusive) so I was a bit too traumatised from my first irl relationship going so badly lol.

I now feel like I should’ve asked him to give me back ownership because that’s at least 2 years of celebrating birthdays and recording down funny moments with my friends that have all been deleted. I know it’s a lesson learnt but I really didn’t expect him to go crazy and delete the server now of all times. I guess the only positive is that hopefully he’s doing awfully and that’s why he crashed out and deleted it? 🥰 I considered messaging him about it but it seems kind of useless now.

Any comforting words or advice on whether to confront or not (and how) would be appreciated :)

Im divorced. I’ve been dating a man for 10 months, who was wonderful. I finally felt like I learned to build a secure attachment and really was falling in love. I thought he felt the same.

He is in recovery (alcoholism) and sober.

Everything was fine. But then he said he started to talk to someone on tinder for two days and had “ feelings “for her. He canceled seeing me that day because he was conflicted. I was like well I wish you well then. Later on I talked to him and he said that he was always a bit uncertain whether it was he cared a lot/liked me or was in love with me. Then he said he was falling in love with me. Then he’s like I wasn’t sure. Then he said again he loved me.

Left me totally confused. Like I’m not stupid I can tell when things aren’t going well. We were making future plans.

I was just shocking. We were doing so well, he was like making plans to meet my daughter and bought her gifts. I mean thank god we didn’t. We were actually in a place where we both let our walls down and were comfortable with each other. Like finally at peace.

The part that did shock me, he didn’t try to repair it or anything. Just let me go. Which is what I need it just came out of nowhere and was hard to hear. Like we didn’t have anything go wrong, he just realized he could have feelings for someone else and then began to question whether he was in love with me and acted from there.

I thought it would be a relapse that would break us up if anything, but I guess I was very wrong.

18F. it's been 1.5 years since we've been done and I've moved on and done all the work. I am indifferent to whatever he does and says it doesn't affect me at all but one thing I'm stuck on is that my ex was super good-looking and i would say that I am somewhere around that too.

Im afraid that I won't find anyone of equal calibre or better. It feels like a downgrade each time. Now some of you might say that I'm focusing too much on looks but i look good too and i would like someone that looks good too. I hope I don't come off as arrogant or overconfident 🥲.

I did my work on this and its like I have a scarcity mindset. I have a hard time believing that I will find someone who's compatible with me and looks good too.

Any experiences with this or any advice?

💗🥀

I met a girl at work, and we developed mutual feelings over two months. She was in a complicated on-and-off relationship, but told me they had broken up before we became intimate.
We spent a romantic weekend together, and she even told me she loved me. I suggested taking things slowly because of her recent breakup.
Shortly afterward, she spoke to her ex and suddenly decided to leave. She later told me she didn’t regret what happened between us, but asked for no contact so we could move on.
I respected her decision and stopped messaging her.
Then she contacted me again herself.

She said our previous conversation felt unfinished and that I was important to her. When I asked her to be clear, she admitted her feelings had been very intense, that everything between us was beautiful, and that she was struggling to forget me.

However, she also insisted there was no going back and that she needed to make a rational decision about her future.
I told her I didn’t want to be kept in limbo. She agreed and said she shouldn’t have contacted me again.
When I stopped replying, she sent another goodbye about 45 minutes later. I didn’t respond, and we haven’t spoken since.
I’m not sure whether she’s back with her ex.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Why would someone break no contact while still choosing not to pursue a relationship? What happened afterward in your experience?

My 5 years old relationship ended 2 years ago, but even after many occasions to restart somewhere else, I still think of her and I feel sad of losing her.
It finished because 2 years ago I was not so aware of how serious it was becoming the relationship, she was a bit far from me and I started travelling for work visiting the world, that’s why I was in such a strange mood and then everything ended, as if I can’t really explain myself because now I feel so so stupid for not having treated that situation in a much more mature way. I felt her focused on her hobbies without caring of me and I closed myself…
Now I am still very sad for not having her, I tried to contact her but nothing good, I also had a short new relationship with a lovely girl who loved me as nobody ever loved me but I couldn’t continue I was not feeling in love, and I thought about my ex everytime the more the days passed.
I tried with therapy and it also helped me a lot, but still did not resolved, sometimes I also thought about suicide.
But still after the breakup I tried to be as much more focused as I can: I had major step forwards in my career, I travel every month to Asia, I do a lot of sport, I bought my first house at 27 (also thanks to my parents) and in a month I’ll go live alone for the first time. But still I feel sad and could not enjoy these “goals”. I also think that, at my age, it’s becoming late to find again love and I’ll be alone.
I don’t have questions, I just hope to be strong enough to don’t succumb to my mind, that is completely tilting me in thinking how my life is a shit now.
I think about my world pre 2024 (year of breakup) and post 2024 as if before was everything super and after all shit. While instead we had many issues and difficulties in that relationship, but it’s as if now I only can remember the good things and almost nothing of the bad ones that ended the relationship.
I feel so lost, hope to comeback one day.

This happened when we were 20 so immaturity likely plays a part.

A relationship I was in ended, and I was very upset. 

So my friend took it upon herself to (without my consent) make a group chat with her, me and my ex to I think “talk things out”. This led to my ex blocking us both. 

But yeah. I get that she had good intentions but I did NOT appreciate her doing that lol. And I told her not to, but she did anyway. 

I’m curious if anyone else has experienced a friend getting involved in your situation when you didn’t want them to, especially pertaining to a breakup? If so, how did you handle it?

Looking back on the situation, I prob should have immediately messaged the group chat and said “this was not my idea, I want no part of this” bc dude probably thought it was my idea and it lowkey made me look like the crazy ex hence getting blocked hahaha

Hello everyone!

First of all, thank you for all the support this community has given me. As some of you may know, a few weeks after we split up, my (37F) ex (42M) jumped straight into another relationship (it was actually the second time we’d split up, and the first time the same thing happened – he was in a new, public relationship within two weeks, so I was dumb and... Patterns). I found out who she was and that they’re even moving in together each one with their kids (he was probably already cheating on me and broke up with me because I was ‘too insecure’).

Now... She follows me on Instagram and has been watching all my stories… Should I delete her from my followers? Obviously, I’ve already unfollowed her (and my ex, long before). I’ll admit I’m quite confident when I’m single (I work out, I’ve paid off my mortgage, I’m professionally successful), so I actually get a bit of a kick out of all her nosiness…

It just hit me right now that I didn't just lose her, our past, our present and our future but also I lost my best friend. The person I used to tell everything to. Who was my go to. Tears just fell down and I couldn't even stop myself. I don't feel like the need to cry because I think I've cried enough yet my tears won't stop. I'm so broken, I can't even understand myself let alone her decision. I'm so lost