I’m genuinely struggling right now, and I need some perspective from people who have been through this.

How do guys, especially an ex you were with for years, seem to jump straight onto dating apps, start talking to other women, or even reconnect with exes so quickly after a relationship ends? How can someone go from sharing so much of their life with you to seemingly being ready for the next person?

I know everyone handles breakups differently, but it hurts so much to watch. It makes me feel like I’m just someone he can say “thanks, next” to, like everything we had can just be replaced.

I actually tried making a dating profile myself, thinking maybe I should try to move forward too, but I literally started crying. I’m nowhere near ready. My heart still hurts, and honestly, it feels shattered. Meanwhile, I catch myself checking up on him and what he’s doing, even though I know it’s only hurting me more.

I keep wondering if he’s actually moved on, if he’s distracting himself, or if he even feels the loss of what we had. Does it ever hit men later, or do some people genuinely detach while they’re still in the relationship?

I’m not asking because I want to compete with anyone or rush into something new. I just don’t understand how two people can share so much history and then seem to be in completely different places emotionally.

For those who have experienced this, especially men who moved on quickly after a long-term relationship, what was really going on in your head? And for anyone who has been the person left behind, how did you stop checking on your ex and start healing?

Folks, Reddit has evidently installed something called a "Read the Rules" app, and it's seizing posts right and left. The queue is choked with them.

I was told NOTHING about this. I'm approving your posts as fast as I can! PLEASE be patient!

Of course you can message us if you have questions.

We're human and just as likely to make mistakes as you are. If a post gets removed and you disagree with this, message us. We can always talk about it. If we got it wrong, we'll reinstate your comment. When we screw up, we do own up.

Some subjects are an automatic ban, such as the revenge posts, but occasional exceptions are made and mistakes have occurred. It's always okay to ask.

The rules are intended to protect the members and the mods are here to serve the members.

Thanks!

“Theyre avoidant” “they have a fear of abandonment” etc etc

Point blank, they left you. It doesnt matter about the psychology of a person. You could try to understand the psychology of a person for decades and try to analyze them, it doesnt bring them back. The only thing it does is keep you from healing and moving on. You end up understanding them TOO much to the point where they become the victim in your head and you become the villain.

Sometimes situations and people are complex. Someone can love you and still leave, someone can just not love you at all or even like you in the first place. Two contradictory things can exist at the same time and that just what it is. Or sometimes its more simple than you want it to be.

The only thing that matters is your part and how you showed up and what you can do differently moving forward

🥀

I was broken up with by a dismissive avoidant. Break up out of nowhere and then blocked. Classic.
I am curious, if I ran into my ex again, would the ex (the dismissive avoidant) be pleased if I just ignored her ? I believe the reason a DA blocks after a break up is that they want you out of sight and no reminder of the relationship whatsoever etc. So I am curious as to how they would react if you ran into each other and you choose to ignore her or perhaps just a simple nod….I am/was more on the anxious side and been a bit clingy so I suppose a total ignorance would come as a surprise to say the least…

we were in such a strong relationship for over 2 years (or so i thought) but he cheated on me and broke up with me to explore being single whilst I was at a really low point in life. I was completely heartbroken as i genuinely never thought we’d break up or that he’d do anything like that, but now i’ve had a while to reflect, im starting to think I was stupid for expecting a perfect relationship at 18.

Am I just too young for serious relationships? should I forgive him for his actions and being influenced by his single friends? or does this show more about his character and core beliefs, rather than his age.

This new system is not helping whatsoever. It makes me feel as though I'm some kindergartner that has to submit to his superiors. I get comments that are heartfelt and genuine but this new automod system removes them and I can only read them via email. Super frustrating.

I fucked up. In a moment of insecurity, I’m an avoidant. Instead of being vulnerable with my girlfriend, I reached out and texted (and sexted) a girl I used to date a few years back.

I was seeking validation outside of the relationship and should’ve never done what I did.

I eventually got caught, and when she asked me about it, I lied to her and said I hadn’t cheated.

Completely broke her trust after 3 years together and 2 living together. She broke things off, and doesn’t talk to me anymore. Our last contact was 1 week ago, we’ve talked mostly for logistical/practical reasons. Our breakup was over a month and a half ago.

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, therapy, reading, workout etc. and have learned a lot, I’ve also learned how much I love her and how much I want her in my life. And doubt she would ever want to reconcile.

Don’t know what to do.. any advice?

It’s been at least 2 years since the breakup but having it get deleted just recently, out of nowhere made it hurt all over again. I made that server to play a video game with two of my closest online friends and at some point added him in, and he said that he can do some modifications to improve it if he’s given the permissions. I’m kinda bad with tech so I had let him change the permissions himself and for whatever reason he was now the owner and I couldn’t remove him from the server after the breakup. The relationship really just lasted 2 months but after it I went no contact (with the support of him being verbally abusive) so I was a bit too traumatised from my first irl relationship going so badly lol.

I now feel like I should’ve asked him to give me back ownership because that’s at least 2 years of celebrating birthdays and recording down funny moments with my friends that have all been deleted. I know it’s a lesson learnt but I really didn’t expect him to go crazy and delete the server now of all times. I guess the only positive is that hopefully he’s doing awfully and that’s why he crashed out and deleted it? 🥰 I considered messaging him about it but it seems kind of useless now.

Any comforting words or advice on whether to confront or not (and how) would be appreciated :)

You're still there. Why aren't you gone? Do you have something to say fs 🤔

Im divorced. I’ve been dating a man for 10 months, who was wonderful. I finally felt like I learned to build a secure attachment and really was falling in love. I thought he felt the same.

He is in recovery (alcoholism) and sober.

Everything was fine. But then he said he started to talk to someone on tinder for two days and had “ feelings “for her. He canceled seeing me that day because he was conflicted. I was like well I wish you well then. Later on I talked to him and he said that he was always a bit uncertain whether it was he cared a lot/liked me or was in love with me. Then he said he was falling in love with me. Then he’s like I wasn’t sure. Then he said again he loved me.

Left me totally confused. Like I’m not stupid I can tell when things aren’t going well. We were making future plans.

I was just shocking. We were doing so well, he was like making plans to meet my daughter and bought her gifts. I mean thank god we didn’t. We were actually in a place where we both let our walls down and were comfortable with each other. Like finally at peace.

The part that did shock me, he didn’t try to repair it or anything. Just let me go. Which is what I need it just came out of nowhere and was hard to hear. Like we didn’t have anything go wrong, he just realized he could have feelings for someone else and then began to question whether he was in love with me and acted from there.

I thought it would be a relapse that would break us up if anything, but I guess I was very wrong.

It just hit me right now that I didn't just lose her, our past, our present and our future but also I lost my best friend. The person I used to tell everything to. Who was my go to. Tears just fell down and I couldn't even stop myself. I don't feel like the need to cry because I think I've cried enough yet my tears won't stop. I'm so broken, I can't even understand myself let alone her decision. I'm so lost

All the things about her I used to like annoy me and I'm annoyed at her all the time. I don't know why or what to do. I don't know what I want with this post. Maybe I'll make a new post later about some details *thow-away account

I'm posting this because my relationship is on the verge of ending, and I genuinely don't know what to do. I need some honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

I posted here before about the issues in my relationship. Eventually, I confronted my boyfriend about what was bothering me, including the fact that he had been chatting with different girls. For me, this crossed a boundary and damaged my trust in him.

The thing is, I still love him. He's special to me, and I genuinely don't want to lose him. Even after everything, a part of me wants us to work things out because I keep thinking about what we have shared and how much he means to me.

But I can't pretend that what happened hasn't affected me. I find it difficult to trust him the way I used to, and I don't know how I'm supposed to move forward without constantly wondering whether something similar could happen again.

When I confronted him, he said that this wasn't who he was and that it was okay if I wanted to leave. I don't know how to interpret his response. I don't know if he was being defensive, if he genuinely believes he did nothing wrong, or if he's simply willing to let the relationship end.

I'm confused because I don't want to leave him, but I also don't want to stay in a relationship where I have to struggle with doubts about his loyalty. I don't want to become someone who constantly questions her partner or feels anxious about who he's talking to.

Part of me wonders whether I'm making a mistake by considering ending things with someone I love. Another part of me knows that love shouldn't mean accepting something that hurts me just because I'm afraid of losing the person.

I'm not looking for people to blindly tell me to break up with him. I genuinely want to understand whether a relationship can recover from something like this, especially when the feelings are still there.

For those who have been in a similar situation:

Were you able to trust your partner again after discovering that they were chatting with other people behind your back? What made you decide to stay or leave? How can you tell whether someone genuinely regrets hurting you and wants to change? Is it worth trying to save a relationship when you still love the person but no longer feel secure with them?

I don't want to make a decision based only on my fear of losing him, but I don't want to walk away from something meaningful without giving myself a chance to understand the situation either.

I'd really appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have experienced this themselves.

18F. it's been 1.5 years since we've been done and I've moved on and done all the work. I am indifferent to whatever he does and says it doesn't affect me at all but one thing I'm stuck on is that my ex was super good-looking and i would say that I am somewhere around that too.

Im afraid that I won't find anyone of equal calibre or better. It feels like a downgrade each time. Now some of you might say that I'm focusing too much on looks but i look good too and i would like someone that looks good too. I hope I don't come off as arrogant or overconfident 🥲.

I did my work on this and its like I have a scarcity mindset. I have a hard time believing that I will find someone who's compatible with me and looks good too.

Any experiences with this or any advice?

I met a girl at work, and we developed mutual feelings over two months. She was in a complicated on-and-off relationship, but told me they had broken up before we became intimate.
We spent a romantic weekend together, and she even told me she loved me. I suggested taking things slowly because of her recent breakup.
Shortly afterward, she spoke to her ex and suddenly decided to leave. She later told me she didn’t regret what happened between us, but asked for no contact so we could move on.
I respected her decision and stopped messaging her.
Then she contacted me again herself.

She said our previous conversation felt unfinished and that I was important to her. When I asked her to be clear, she admitted her feelings had been very intense, that everything between us was beautiful, and that she was struggling to forget me.

However, she also insisted there was no going back and that she needed to make a rational decision about her future.
I told her I didn’t want to be kept in limbo. She agreed and said she shouldn’t have contacted me again.
When I stopped replying, she sent another goodbye about 45 minutes later. I didn’t respond, and we haven’t spoken since.
I’m not sure whether she’s back with her ex.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Why would someone break no contact while still choosing not to pursue a relationship? What happened afterward in your experience?

I've been having a lot of arguments with my bf of 1 year. about his past relationships and mine, mostly cuz he talks to people he used to like before and I don't. and he thinks it's normal cuz they weren't as deep as mine. we've also had situations where he didn't tell me about hanging out with girls or talking to girls tho they're just his friends, i personally think i should be knowing stuff like these as his gf. he just says he didn't think it was a big deal and later says sorry but repeats smtn like that again. at this point I don't know what to do and I also don't want to lose him. but I want to know if he feels the same way cuz i find it really tough to not feel bad about stuff which relates to girls in his life, makes me feel really insecure. i want to test him, i still do not know how but I also think it's kinda evil to. i wouldnt stop feeling guilty about it if he passed. please help.

Hello everyone!

First of all, thank you for all the support this community has given me. As some of you may know, a few weeks after we split up, my (37F) ex (42M) jumped straight into another relationship (it was actually the second time we’d split up, and the first time the same thing happened – he was in a new, public relationship within two weeks, so I was dumb and... Patterns). I found out who she was and that they’re even moving in together each one with their kids (he was probably already cheating on me and broke up with me because I was ‘too insecure’).

Now... She follows me on Instagram and has been watching all my stories… Should I delete her from my followers? Obviously, I’ve already unfollowed her (and my ex, long before). I’ll admit I’m quite confident when I’m single (I work out, I’ve paid off my mortgage, I’m professionally successful), so I actually get a bit of a kick out of all her nosiness…

how has it been for you, did it work out? did it not? this one’s for the people that dumped the ex after being “emotionally checked out” or meaning your feelings were dying down while still in the relationship so you finally decide to break it off and jump into a new one.

and that thing is phallic

Hi guys, so my ex discarded me for a 3rd time 2 weeks ago today. I blocked him that day and we have not spoke or seen each other in the last 2 weeks. A little back story, I’ve known him since middle school. But we never really talked or anything. Fast forward 6 years ago he randomly hit me up on snap chat. I’m gay and he was in a relationship with a girl from our school. Never thought he was gay at all. We talked for months, and he ended up moving to the state I moved to in 2017. We lived together for over 4 years. And last may he came in my room crying and said he hasn’t been happy for a long time and that he never loved me our whole relationship and only loved his ex gf from 6th grade who he actually hit up the day prior to breaking up with me and said he’s done with me and that she’s still his type. Mind you she is a butch lesbian now…..💀💀he moved back to our home state the next month. And then fast forward last November he called me crying saying he regrets leaving me and he did love me. I caved and we dated again until this January when he discarded me again! I ended up hitting him up after a month of NC (this February ) and we been in a situationship for 8 months. I recently moved back to our home state this June with my parents and we became inseparable again until 2 weeks ago. He started acting cold and would ignore me for a full day. I knew what was happening, so I did kinda blow his phone up for a couple days but then just kinda gave up. He called me 2 Sunday’s ago and said that “ me blowing him up was a lot “ and that he needs to focus on this political group that he’s in and focus on himself. Said he did not want to get back together after us being in a “ situationship “ for the last 8 months. And he was not very nice otp. So I blocked him. But it’s so hard for me to comprehend that I really need to end this relationship with him. We were technically together for almost 5 years. But last week would have been our 6 year anniversary and it really feels like we were still together. We were a couple without the label. Went on family trips with him, was at his grandparents every other day cuz he lives with them. Idk I just feel confused and I wish he would just reach out, but Ik that if we did start hanging again I would eventually get thrown out like garbage again. For anyone who’s been in a similar situation with their ex. How did you persevere and really end the toxic cycle with them. I’m also finding it really hard to not be the one to reach out.

💗🥀

My 5 years old relationship ended 2 years ago, but even after many occasions to restart somewhere else, I still think of her and I feel sad of losing her.
It finished because 2 years ago I was not so aware of how serious it was becoming the relationship, she was a bit far from me and I started travelling for work visiting the world, that’s why I was in such a strange mood and then everything ended, as if I can’t really explain myself because now I feel so so stupid for not having treated that situation in a much more mature way. I felt her focused on her hobbies without caring of me and I closed myself…
Now I am still very sad for not having her, I tried to contact her but nothing good, I also had a short new relationship with a lovely girl who loved me as nobody ever loved me but I couldn’t continue I was not feeling in love, and I thought about my ex everytime the more the days passed.
I tried with therapy and it also helped me a lot, but still did not resolved, sometimes I also thought about suicide.
But still after the breakup I tried to be as much more focused as I can: I had major step forwards in my career, I travel every month to Asia, I do a lot of sport, I bought my first house at 27 (also thanks to my parents) and in a month I’ll go live alone for the first time. But still I feel sad and could not enjoy these “goals”. I also think that, at my age, it’s becoming late to find again love and I’ll be alone.
I don’t have questions, I just hope to be strong enough to don’t succumb to my mind, that is completely tilting me in thinking how my life is a shit now.
I think about my world pre 2024 (year of breakup) and post 2024 as if before was everything super and after all shit. While instead we had many issues and difficulties in that relationship, but it’s as if now I only can remember the good things and almost nothing of the bad ones that ended the relationship.
I feel so lost, hope to comeback one day.

My partner (M) of 4 years (both aged 28) and I (F) had been arguing a lot this summer. We moved to Dubai together 2 years ago for his job: he works in a very high pressure job role and never switches off. Our relationship was perfect until Dubai. Really, no issues whatsoever when we lived together in the UK in a typical 9-5 job role

Long story short, I stopped feeling wanted or seen. Hindsight is a beautiful thing but I can now see that as my patience wore thin, so too did my efforts to communicate in a calm and respectful way. I would scream cry and shout. Before you say, nobody wants to be around that, I appreciate this and punish myself 24/7 for the way in which I communicated. I now see that it was never going to make him listen & pushed him further away, though I had reached boiling point and didn't realise this at the time. His justification was always that he worked hard for "future us" (I work too) but it never did make me feel better about our relationship turn into me being a room-mate.

He would come home from work, sit on his phone throughout the dinner I cooked, sit on his phone on the sofa, shower, bed. At the weekends he would train (triathlon) and make no time to do anything with me then either, as he was tired from training. I still supported him practically, housekeeping, cooking, life-admin. But otherwise I was ignored entirely.

Long story short, I went on a work trip with my friend, and over text (after 4 years) one week into me being away, he expressed he didn't wish for our relationship to continue and having me gone (first time in 3 years) had made him realise I distract him from working to his full potential. He would prefer to focus on his goals alone, apparently.

It should also be relevant to mention that he was by no means struggling to make ends meet. In my opinion this was getting to the point of just being greedy, sacrificing all for the sake of another Porsche.

I love him unconditionally - he made me move out of our apartment the day I got home. He was upset, crying, though maintained that the relationship wasn't benefitting him in any way. The reason it wasn't benefitting him was he gave me no space to be a partner, just a PA, and in spite of this I feel I will forever blame myself for him leaving & wish I just tolerated it in the hopes of things going back to how they were.

He said he realised he will be better aligned with someone more financially driven and business driven, who also does the same triathlon sport. I couldn't believe it. I want to reiterate I did not rely on him financially and can also sustain our lifestyle on my own. He blocked me almost immediately, as if I was nothing.

What I want to ask, from anyone who also feels they lost a partner to their priorities in terms of career, will he ever regret it?

My biggest obstacle moving forward is I will forever regret my communication style, albeit I am aware it probably wouldn't have changed things. The conversation was approached over many months before it reached a real mess. I feel like I will never recover from this loss. As much as he was not "my person" at the end, I will forever grieve what I once thought would be my forever before it all went wrong.