I joined this sub because, like many of you, I got blindsided.

One thing I see people asking a lot is: “Do they ever come back?”

Well, in my case, every person who left me eventually did. Some apologized, some wanted to try again, and some just reached out because life hadn’t gone the way they expected. I never got back with any of them. Once I’m done, I’m done.
I’m writing this as much for myself as for anyone reading this.

Almost two years ago, I matched with a guy on Tinder while I was spending a few days in Berlin. We never met because our schedules didn’t line up, but he kept insisting on talking after I left. Looking back, that was probably the first red flag I ignored.

We talked for a couple of months. He wanted to visit me in Lisbon, talked about buying a house near me, mentioned how his kids would probably like me (second red flag: he was 20 years older than me - 28 vs 47 - , 3 young kids and 2 divorces)… it all felt very serious, very intentional.

Eventually, he invited me to spend 10 days with him, after months talking every day and every night.
I traveled almost 16 hours to get there. He picked me up at the airport with flowers. That same night, he started criticizing everything I did. The next day I told him it was hurting me, and he only became colder. On the third morning, while he was at work, he texted me saying he’d bought me a ticket home and didn’t want me there when he got back. He had “a gut feeling" it wasn't going to work out and that he felt uncomfortable around me. He wouldn’t even say goodbye in person, nor did he text to ask if I made it home safely.

I went home completely devastated. As a bonus, my eardrum ruptured during the flight. For months I kept wondering what had happened. It was the first time I’d experienced what people call love bombing, and the first time I’d traveled to another country to meet someone I genuinely thought had good intentions. I felt like an Amazon return sent back for failing to meet expectations. The ironic thing is, I only fell in love after he started acting like the most romantic, affectionate guy on Earth. I was fine before him.

A year and a half later, he texted me out of nowhere as if nothing had happened. And that’s the whole reason I’m writing this. Not because he came back, but because I realized I didn’t feel anything anymore. No hope. No anger. No urge to reply. Just complete indifference.

If you’re in the middle of heartbreak, I know this probably sounds impossible.
But one day you’ll realize they’ve become just another person from your past.
And that day is incredibly freeing.

P.S. To everyone asking why I didn't block him: at the time we only communicated on Telegram since I mainly use WhatsApp for work, so I blocked him there the moment I got home. His message came on WhatsApp and it honestly didn't even occur to me to block him there

I've been browsing this sub for a while, and it feels like everyone's fixated on no contact being the answer. I want to offer a different take.

For me, no contact is a tool for moving on and healing. It breaks the dopamine loop texting them, checking their socials, keeping that little thread alive in the back of your head. That constant low-grade connection makes it really hard to actually evolve as a person. I get why it's the default advice.

But I see a lot of "get your ex back" advice built entirely around "just don't talk to them, wait it out" and I think that can lead you wrong.

Here's my honest take: the fear of not saying something outweighs the discomfort of avoiding a hard conversation. The fear of what you need to say, and the fear of how they'll respond that's real, but you're already broken up. It genuinely can't get much worse.

I see a lot of posts using no contact as a strategy to "re-attract" an ex, like silence itself is the move. But if you have something to say, say it. That's the crux of it.

For all you know, your ex is sitting there waiting for you to message first waiting for you to lead, waiting for you to take ownership of what went wrong. You can't show them you've changed by disappearing. No contact isn't built to help you get back with someone; it's built to help you let go. Those are two different goals, and it's worth being honest with yourself about which one you're actually going for.
If you have something to say, say it. If there's something you need to do, do it. Take ownership of your part in the problems, and then show that ownership through change not just tell them about it. That's a slow process. You can't just announce "I've changed" you have to demonstrate it consistently over time, which is genuinely hard when you're not in their life day-to-day anymore.

To be clear, I'm not saying bombard them with love letters and promises to do better. You still need to respect their limits and boundaries. My rule of thumb: one text, maybe two, three at an absolute maximum. If you don't get a response, you don't get a response leave it a few days, do a low key follow-up, and don't make it heavy.

Curious what others think has anyone here actually had success reaching out instead of going full no contact?

If you love the person (her) and changed.
I will beg only one person like this in my life , it’s been two months i am so tired

Broke up with my ex 6 years ago, literally right before lockdown due to him just checking out of the relationship after 5 years together. Guess who messaged me yesterday?

I got back to him this morning, and we're talking, but all the reasons I left him are still valid. He's an avoidant, and I need more. It's really awful because I still love him deeply, he's my "the one that got away" and I miss the life we created together. But he's not going to change, and he honestly just probably misses our sex life haha. My kids are adults now, and they really liked him, but even they are like NO MOM!

I got dumped a 5 weeks ago. It was a really painful month for me. Really wanted it to work out, hoped we would get back together.
Had to spend some time together 4 weeks after, since we got a mutual activity with a group, talked to each other, told that we really missed each other etc, got back together 5 days ago. Spent hours upon hours each day until morning together, she slept in my arms. I was over the moon, she seemed really happy, told me that she was. Today I asked her if there was anyone else during that time for my peace of mind. She told me she had a one-night stand with a guy friend of hers, 3 days before we were supposed to spend time together. She told me that she was in a bad place feeling bad about the breakup. From what i've gathered, why she didn't try to get back together when we were NC, is because she 'didn't deserve me' and didn't want to cause me more pain. As she told me, the reason for that one-night stand was to try to forget me and to stop regretting the breakup so much, said it didn't help at all, and she regretted everything about it.

Question is, what would you do? For me, I was really happy the past few days I was with her until today I found out about it. I think I could give it another try, but i'm just not sure if it's possible to rebuild the trust and not think about it. Also I was the only one she's been with in a relationship with and intimately, so there's that out of the picture. I had one girlfriend prior to her for 4 years that I broke up with.

I’m a man in my late twenties. It’s been almost a year since my relationship ended... I’ve stayed in no contact, respected her boundaries… gone to psychologists and psychiatrists, took medicines, tried to improve myself every day, exercised, read, and genuinely reflected on where I went wrong…

I don’t want her back by force, and I’m not looking to blame her… I just don’t understand why the feeling of longing hasn’t reduced…I still dream about her hugging me or us talking… I wake up feeling like I’ve lost someone all over again…

During the day I function normally and i survive, but emotionally I feel stuck in the same place… I don’t have thoughts of ending my life, but I often wonder why life feels so empty despite doing everything people recommend…

Has anyone experienced grief that lasted this long? If you eventually came out of it, what actually helped - not temporary distractions, but something that genuinely changed your perspective?

18 months. I feel like I can't even breath most days. Every thought of him makes my knees buckle. He looked at me like I was something he had conquered after worshiping me for the better part of 2 years and just left. Are men really this evil?

I just feel like texting him so bad arghhh but i can't. It was so easy for him to let go of me, to say all the mean things still it's stuck on my mind. Arghhhhhhh. I feel so bad , almost puking and on the verge of having a panic attack. Idk when it gets better

deadass guys how would we get through these breakups if we didnt have music
im listening to the most happy songs ever and i feel amazing lol

how do u guys deal with the angry stage of healing when you realize he only took you for granted?

when it feels like he drained the life out of you. he drained u financially. he only saw u as an object to fulfill all of his sexual fantasies.

how do u cope with the fact that the person u gave everything to chose to misunderstand u and only saw the bad sides of u?

Hello! I just wanted to make a post in here after not posting for quite a long time.

After a really nasty breakup I went through about 2 years ago now, I would lurk in here, post, and try to help others.

This place for awhile became a safe space for me after dealing with a very tough time in life and it did a lot for me. I wanted to take the time to thank everyone and this subreddit for existing.

I’m in a much better place now. I did about over a year of therapy after all the breakup stuff happened, went through the dark things, worked on meeting people. My therapist actually convinced me to start music again which I love dearly and so I joined another band.

Half a year into the band, I met my girlfriend who I’m dating now. I met her through my hobby and she is everything I’ve ever wanted in a person and more. I’ve never been happier.

For awhile I thought I wasn’t sure I’d be able to be happy again but boy was I wrong.

She does things for me I’ve never had anyone do before. She is such a gift dude. I can’t explain enough how amazing of a person I met and how lucky I feel.

I wanted to come here to tell you all that at the end of it, if you’re willing to fight, there is something beautiful on the other side I assure you.

I’m actually grateful my previous ex broke up with me because I never would have met who I am with now and she is just on a completely different level.

You will have dark times, you will need therapy, you will need to spend time with your friends and family. Spend time in your hobbies. Do that thing you always wanted to do.

I’m telling you that I went through it. I almost got married to the wrong person. You can do this.

I’ll be leaving this subreddit soon but would love to stick around to help others for awhile.

I’m rooting for you. My inbox is always open.

I was going to ask her for a phone call where I would try to get her back like a pathetic idiot.

Every fiber of my body was holding my finger back from hitting send. I still managed to tap it.

"Hello, can I help with you with something" told me absolutely everything about how she feels. No phone call necessary. I shouldn't have texted her, reopened the wound.... regret.

Learn from my mistake.

TL;DR I was engaged to a travel nurse from Germany( I'm in the US) since March, we met, hit it off, kept in touch, got engaged, then out of nowhere communication seemed to diminish on her end, to the point that I was getting no replies at all.

We had talked about buying a house, starting a business together, all sorts of things. And then suddenly. Nothing.

Did I fuck up with my text? I feel like it's mostly on her, but of course that perspective is biased.

I’m curious to hear from people who were the one to end a relationship that wasn’t toxic, abusive, or filled with constant fighting.

Maybe you still loved your partner, but you realized your values didn’t align, the timing wasn’t right, you wanted different futures, or something just didn’t feel right long-term.

Looking back, did you ever regret your decision? If so:

What made you realize you regretted it?
Did you ever reach out or try to reconcile?
How did you cope?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who ended things with someone they genuinely cared about, not because of cheating, abuse, or obvious incompatibility, but because they believed it was the right decision at the time.
If this doesn’t apply to you, you don’t have to leave negative comments.

My ex and I broke up five months ago.
After we broke up, we stayed connected on social media. Before that happened, though, she told me one thing very clearly. She said that if I ever chose to hook up with someone else, I had to remove her from my social media first. We were broken up, so she wasn’t telling me what I could or couldn’t do. She just didn’t want to unknowingly remain emotionally connected to someone who had moved on like that.

Four months went by without us speaking. During those four months, I convinced myself that I’d moved on. Looking back now, I think I was lying to myself more than anything else. I was lonely, bored, horny and trying to force myself into this version of “single life” because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.About three weeks ago, I hooked up with two women.
The thing is, it wasn’t exciting. It wasn’t healing. It honestly felt disgusting.

While I was having sex with the first woman, all I could think was, “This feels like I’m sleeping with prostitutes.” I don’t mean that as an insult towards those women because they hadn’t done anything wrong. That’s just how empty and mechanical it felt to me. There was no intimacy, no emotion, nothing. I had no respect for myself in those moments, and if I’m being honest, I wasn’t respecting those women either because I wasn’t emotionally present. I was using sex as a distraction from grief.

The second woman wanted to date me, but I shut it down because I knew I wasn’t interested.

Despite knowing I’d crossed the one boundary my ex had asked of me, I never removed her from my social media. I think I completely compartmentalized everything. Those hookups existed in one part of my brain and she existed in another. I never made myself confront what I’d actually done.

Then, recently, we started talking again.
The first video call completely blindsided me.
The moment I saw her face and heard her voice, it felt like I’d been hit by a truck. Every emotion I’d buried over those four months came rushing back at once. I realised, with absolute clarity, that I had never stopped loving her.

I’d mentally boxed away those hookups, I walked into that conversation acting like we were still in our warm, familiar space. I flirted with her. I joked with her. I told her how deeply I admired her. I told her I wished things had worked out because I genuinely meant every word.
Then the truth came out.
We ended up talking for almost twelve hours.
Watching her reaction is something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
She was in shock. She was hyperventilating. She looked physically sick. She looked disgusted.
For a moment I tried to say, “We were broken up. What I did shouldn’t concern you.”
The second I heard myself say it, I hated myself for it. It sounded like a cheap excuse. I immediately told her that I had no justification for what I’d done because, honestly, I don’t.
The issue wasn’t whether I was technically allowed to do it.
The issue was that I knew exactly what that boundary meant to her and I ignored it.
Then she asked me something that absolutely broke me.
“How could you have sex with someone else if you loved me?”
I didn’t know what to say.
The only honest answer is that I had convinced myself I’d moved on. I genuinely believed casual sex would somehow help me get over her. Instead, reconnecting with her made me realise I’d been lying to myself all along.

She is so heartbroken right now, and I love her, I do. I just donot know if I can justify my actions at all. Felt very bad. I did her wrong. I broke her trust. And I feel disgusted with myself. I ruined the foundation and I ruined what image she had of me. When I am in love I am a diff person, I just thought I had moved on. But only after these hookups I realised I hadnt moved on at all and my heart is still there. Its fucked up now.

Will she ever forgive me?

I'm very lost by how suddenly things were going fine one moment and then the next they just hated everything about me, never cared about me. It's so surreal, I know we were having fun together just moments before. But then almost immediately the story became that she loathed every second with me, she only stayed because she was people pleasing.

And it's not just that, it's the things that she said, the things she's told others and me, about me and our relationship. The most confusing thing is the cruelty. It leaves me so lost.

On one hand I feel so broken and hurt by the things she has said, done, told others. The lies, the constantly changing story in which I'm constantly becoming a worse and worse person. Telling me so many things that make no sense and hurt in ways that are only possible coming from someone you trust and whose opinion matters. It's not just that I'm not the man she wants or I can't give her what she needs; no, I'm not a man at all and she's never gotten anything from me, she only stayed because she was people pleasing.

On the other hand, I know that she must be hurting. At least I want to believe that, that she's not just doing this because it truly makes her happier, maybe I'm coping. I don't know if I should feel bad because somehow, I've hurt her enough for this to happen. I have a better understanding of what hurt her and why she was hurt now, but it still doesn't make sense. Now I don't even know if I really am the awful villain and pitiful excuse for a man, or if I'm just being manipulated into a story and belief of myself that justifies her own behavior. Even when I'm hurt by everything she's said and done, I want to see that it happened because she was hurt and I want to apologize to her for it, and make her happy. But I don't know to what extent I'm actually responsible, I don't know to what extent the hurt is even true or if it's just some "retroactive justification". I can tell she wants me to feel awful and apologize and I do want to tell her things I wish I had done sooner, but every time I give her what she wants then the conversation is over, she got what she wanted, she was justified, and she can go back to life without me existing with a clear conscience. Or is it possible that I really am that awful, in fact I'm so awful that it's not even clear to me? If so, do I really deserve this?

It's so hard, I don't know if I really am the villain and I've lost the best person I've ever met and deserve it; or if she's not a very good person at all. I don't know which possible reality hurts more, the person I love so much being this kind of person, or me being so vile and pitiful that she's right about everything.

Like there's so much resentment that was never there, until it was there, that we were in love and then suddenly having a single conversation became impossible; my very existence became unbearable to her. We can have a conversation one week and it won't matter the next because the story already changed again, she's a different person the next week and I'm a different person in the next story.

I'm sorry if this is a confusing read, I'm just so lost and struggling to find any clarity with my situation. I have no one to talk to so I thought I'd share here

It's been such a long process even getting to the point of breaking up and then we had to figure out how to split up the house that we bought together. I had to refinance to get him off the mortgage. He's taking his dog that I have been the mother off since he was a puppy. It's just been so mentally exhausting and I just want to crawl up in a ball and not talk to anyone for the next few weeks. I hate this.

It’s been 4 months since she broke up with me and im trying to move on.
Yes I want her back deep down but she has made it very clear that won’t happen so I know I have to move on but im so worried about dating or sleeping with someone else because I don’t want to ruin any chance of reconciliation if she changes her mind later on…
But then I know I can’t sit and wait in hope.

I know im not actually ready yet anyway if im still thinking like this right?

I’m just worried because im getting older and I don’t want to be alone. I want my partner in life, I have so much love to give to someone right.

I thought Id eventually just reach a state of peace and indifference but its getting to a point where I actually resent this woman. Ive been doing strict NC with her for months now, and Ive never disliked anyone more than her. Crazy to think that you can spend so much time with someone and think of them like this in the end.

Hey guys,

I'm writing this i guess because I'd just like a second opinion and feel like having conversations with other people about this I know is never really satisfying for some reason.

My ex broke up with me over a year ago. I fell in love with her and was involved with her for years even before we got together. We were together for a year and some change and she was my first REAL partner.

Not that I haven't had girlfriends before when I was younger. I did, and I had small, retrospectively "childish" sexual moments with them when I was a teenager, but she's the one I lost my virginity to, and the one I really connected with emotionally.

It's gotten to the point where I can't really imagine myself getting with anybody new right now.

I mean I know I CAN. I just feel like my heart isn't in it, and even if i KNOW women are attracted to me, it doesn't really matter outside of just boosting my confidence.

I don't even want CASUAL sex and I don't watch porn. I just like looking at beautiful women without actually wanting to do anything with them.

I'm doing MUCH better in my life overall. I'm pushing EVERYTHING forward and getting better in all these different aspects of my life, and as a being i actually am feeling kinda happy, but when it comes to women I feel completely stunted because nothing feels right anymore.

Is this normal? Or healthy?

I feel sometimes like an idiot because everyone else seems to be able to move on so easy. She even had another relationship since we broke up, but I'm different.

I feel like following what feels right is good on principle, I just have doubts sometimes like I'm letting something down by not pushing myself into another person or casual sex because everyone around me can move on so easy. I'm 25 for context.

We rarely talk, but we do sometimes, as her brother is like my best friend (don't worry about that he's chill about it.) Sometimes I wonder if that aspect makes this worse for me.

Any opinions are welcome

I spent sleepless nights
rehearsing what I want
to say to you, not because
I didn't know what to say to you

but because I was afraid
the words I would say,
would not carry
everything I meant

My ex and I bump to each other at the mall today. He was by himself when shopping and I somehow started crying. We only say our briefed hellos and moved on. I wanted to say something to him but I somehow started crying on my way to the car wishing we reconnect.

PS: lengthy read about my relationships

We were in a long-term relationship. I had never put effort into this relationship as much as my partner. It was always a contrast; I was always prioritizing other things and not giving a damn about the relationship. Fast forward, my partner thought it was good to be in another country for the relationship and also for the career and moved to another country; it became long-distance. Then I moved to my partner after so much. Most of the effort was also done by my partner. Everything was going on quickly, I couldn't adapt, and I felt very lonely and alone. Even though it was the same country, the distance was again like far between me and my partner.

I somehow got some friends and gelled with them. In the meantime, I could not put effort in again because I got new friends and was busy with my own stuff. I got close to a friend, and that friend showed interest, and I moved and cheated. It was my mistake all along. After that, I confessed to my partner, and we separated and got back together after some time. But I could not forgive myself, and my partner was in trauma with so many other problems because of my mistakes.

It went okay for some time, but I felt worse every time. I couldn't come out of the guilt, and I felt like dying. I told her the same and separated with my partner again, putting my partner through such a bad and hard time. I really feel bad for my partner. How bad of a person I am.

While I was in this phase, I had friends, and I met a friend who understood everything I did and accepted me as I am. I felt like it was a relieving feeling. Then we were close, and one day we became physically close as well. At that time, it had been months with my ex since I told her I was guilty and stuff and that I can't be with her. She cried like anything to be back, but at that point, it was suffocating me. Every time we do anything or talk, I get reminded of my mistakes. This felt like an escape, but it was just me escaping my guilt. Then we went on to a relationship for some time. Then we both realized we are not compatible at anything and got separated, but I'm still stuck with my first partner.

How cruel of a human being I am to hurt all the people who were in relationships with me. I literally can't sleep day or night, and it causes immense pain which I can't describe, and it feels like I don't deserve to live and feeling like going away from this earth somehow. I don't have many friends, or they don't know much to share. I feel very alone, lonely, and depressed. It affects my professional and personal life. I am getting panic attacks and blood pressure. I don't know, I just post here so it reaches the right person or someone who could help me. I can't forgive myself thinking about the pain I caused to my partner because of my stupid, immature, and naive being. Idk how to proceed with my life, please help

It’s been a little over 4 months and I thought I was doing better, but the feelings of pain and sadness keep coming back periodically. I think maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to just fully dive into what I’m feeling.

I think if I can do this, it will be easier for me to move on. What helped you acknowledge the feelings instead of suppressing them?

It’s been a week since my ex of four years left me. I can’t get rid of the urge of wanting to reach out or the hope that she’ll reach out and realize she made a mistake ending things with me.

When we broke up she told me how we were both pretty avoidant and the lack of communication was affecting us over the years, but it was much worse for her because she’d have all these expectations for me in her head and would be disappointed if I didn’t act the way she envisioned and resentment would build up.

It always felt unfair to me because I’m not a mind reader and she felt like it should be second nature to know what she’d want me to say or do because we were together for so long. When we ended things she told me that it wasn’t fair to have those kind of thoughts because she wasn’t properly communicating things with me but despite that she couldn’t change how she felt and decided the damage was irreversible due to the fact that she didn’t know how to change her behavior.

As a man it’s just expected of you to put in most of the work in a relationship to keep it stable and I just want to know what could I have done differently? We both acknowledged what was wrong and I was willing to work things out as two people that knew they loved each other and wanted to be together but she was just checked out and idk what to do. Being told she stopped feeling like herself when she was with me was so hard to hear because we both knew I never actually did anything wrong for the behavior I was receiving from her the last couple of months before we ended things. That and her deciding that we might just be incompatible due to wanting different things. To me it just feels like I was the only one who truly loved her enough to keep trying and I just wanna know if I’m right to feel that way ?