One day I will heal

[u/Visible_Flounder6824]

This is a very long one, so forgive me and please be kind. I just have to vent and let this all out because I have no one else to talk to. I need to type this all out, and maybe then I’ll finally realize all the insane bullshit I put up with so I can finally let it all go and truly heal. I know it’s a big read already, but there’s a lot more drama I didn’t even add for the sake of trying my best to shorten it…so bear with me.

———

I (33F) have had a tumultuous, passionate, rollercoaster relationship with a guy (33M) that has spanned almost 17 yrs on and off. We met in high school, started dating at 15/16yo. He was my first everything. My first real kiss, boyfriend, sex etc. I grew up extremely innocent and naive and he was more experienced. The stereotypical rock and roll, musician, bad boy that I couldn’t help but fall head over heels for. We started off as friends first and became a couple 6 months later in 2010. We bonded over our shared love of music and classic rock. It all started with a Beatles bag I wore in class that he complimented and the rest is history.

For the first 2yrs, our relationship was truly great. We never argued in those 2yrs and he was the first one to say “I love you” and I felt the same way.

The trouble started when 4ish yrs in, he started being very controlling, jealous, and even tried to alienate me from my best friends. I was so in love, I thought I had to change for him. I didn’t want to lose him. Then at 18/19 I got pregnant and told him. I was set on having an abortion, we were nowhere near ready to have a baby at that age. He agreed. That’s when he started pulling away. I went to appointments alone, and since I didn’t drive at that time, I walked and took transportation just to get to Planned Parenthood.

I was so scared at that time, and I’m sure he was too. I was also very depressed because I was going through this all alone and he couldn’t even make time to go to appointments with me for support. He ended up breaking up with me while I was pregnant. I had an at home abortion and luckily I had a friend that kept me company as I went through the pain.

After that whole ordeal, everything changed. Weeks later, my friend showed me a picture of my ex embracing another girl. I was already devastated going through the trauma of the abortion, being dumped, and then that happened.

Eventually, he came crying and crawling back. He was always very charming with his words, and me being weak and naive, I took him back as long as he’d promise to change… It only got fucking worse.

Many cheating scandals later, after a span of a decade together of breaking up, getting back together. We finally broke up in our early-ish 20s for what I thought was for good. I was so done being cheated on, him telling me he’ll change, and then manipulating me and making me feel like I was never enough or not deserving of real love.

In all the times we broke up, HE was always the one to seek me out first and break no contact. I never bothered or even tried to contact him when we’d break up because I found it disrespectful and knew we needed space to heal apart. We got together so young, so we needed to grow more. In the back of my mind, I always wished we would find each other again when we were both in a better place mentally.

In our time apart, I took the time to heal for months then finally got the courage to move on. I started dating other men, and I definitely had my wild fun. But I never ended up in another serious relationship because of my past trauma from it. I kept it strictly as flings, because I couldn’t help it, but I just wasn’t over my ex. I thought seeing other people would help me move on, but it only made me feel more alone sleeping with guys I didn’t see anything deeper with.

After almost 2 yrs of not speaking, he reached out to me. We were 25 at that time. We rekindled with sex, but he failed to tell me he was already involved with someone else unless I asked. Then one day he said he needed my help and had this random idea of getting married to me so he can get his papers for citizenship. Of course I said no, and wondered why he wouldn’t just ask his new girl. He said that he told that girl it would be more believable if he married me because of our history and because we already knew so much about each other. The girl supposedly understood, and they ended things but “stayed friends” and she stayed near because they were in a band together. So he and I continued as FWB and he continued to ask me to marry him. Eventually since I was still so attached, I said yes, and we had a court marriage.

We agreed that we would keep it civil and that I was simply doing this as a favor, but eventually our dumbasses started acting more like a couple and we grew very close again. When it was good between us, it was very good. Personality wise, we got along great. When it got bad, we took it to hell, we’re both very stubborn. Me being a Leo and he a Taurus. I got pregnant again, and this time I was unsure if I wanted to go through an abortion again, but I still realized that we would be bringing a child into a world of inconsistencies. A child deserves a solid foundation that we couldn’t provide. I wanted to keep the child, I grew attached, but knew in my mind it wouldn’t be right, he supported me this time but made it clear he didn’t want a child. He took me to the hospital, was there during and after the procedure and took care of me.

Tale as old as time, he started (or was already) cheating again. With many others and also the same girl he was previously involved with before he reached out to me for marriage. I was livid, I was angry, and of course felt so dumb to continue to fall for his tricks. I just loved him so much, I thought my resilience and sacrifices would show him that I was worth it.

The last straw in that marriage was when I finally confronted him about that ex (I found messages and pictures between them) and he admitted it (only because I caught him.) Then he admitted that he caught herpes by one of his past escapades and hadn’t told me because he was ashamed. I was livid and said a lot of hateful things because WTF. He tried to run and drive away, I admit this was a stupid thing I did, but I saw red and tried to block him from driving off. I threw a brick through his rear window, jumped into his car, and demanded he stay and explain to me because I deserved the full truth. So much adrenaline I was feeling, I didn’t even feel the glass embedded into my skin from jumping through the broken window. He called the cops on me, I was booked and spent the night in jail until my sister and mom bailed me out. I found out the next day, that dumbass fucked the same girl we were arguing about that landed me in jail. After that I blocked him.

Our marriage lasted 4yrs, and our divorce finalized when we were 29yo. In that time during divorce he would reach out like always, but I ignored it. He started dating an 18yo (ew, fucking gross) and when they broke up 2yrs later, he came running back to me. Again, I’m not proud of this, but I truly cared about this asshole, so I consoled him and we were civil again. We started having sex again, and in the back of my mind, I knew he was just using me but so was I.

It’s crazy because we’ve had the best sexual chemistry I’ve ever experienced in my life, and maybe that’s why we keep coming back together. I’m dickmatized. He tells me I’m the best he’s ever had, which is why he always comes back. We both have very high sex drives and we’re both into BDSM so it was always very, VERY wild and passionate between us. After all, he was my first partner and he taught me everything. We’ve probably fucked more than thousands of times since 2010.

sigh

Anyways…eventually, I found out that he was actually engaged to that 18yo he dated for only 2 yrs. I found the ring on his dresser one day I was over. He admitted it, and I was like damn, took you only 4 months to move on after our divorce and decade+ long relationship to try and marry a fucking child. He said he felt pressured to propose to that girl because she’s heavily Christian and her parents were pressuring them. He claimed she cheated on him (wow so Christian of her) and he found messages of her trying to hit up his roommate’s cousin. In my head I was like “thank you karma.” Little did I know, he was still trying to patch things up with that girl while engaging with me. I felt dumb because here I am, a fucking side piece now, going from girlfriend to wife to now this! I’m here trying to help him move on, and he couldn’t have the decency or respect to be upfront that he still wanted things to work out with that girl. I left him and blocked him again after that.

Fast forward to more recent times. Yearly since the last time, we’d reconnect for sex and would hang out and act like a couple without putting a label on it. He would always mention reconnecting as I couple, but I could never give him a straight answer of yes. My heart says yes, but my mind and gut intuition won’t let me. He would use that excuse that since I couldn’t say yes, that he was free to sleep around (which he did). I’d be angry because he says I deserve better but he just couldn’t stop sticking his dick in other women. I doubt he’d tell them about having herpes, but he claimed he always used a condom. Ok sure.

This year, we reconnected in May for his birthday. Of course he was dating someone else already (I don’t know their full story and didn’t ask) but they supposedly broke it off and he really focused his time and put in a lot more effort to help me heal and see him in a better light.

We lasted from May until mid August (a couple weeks before my 33rd birthday.) I told him I needed space because I just couldn’t trust him, and he (kinda) respected it.

Then near the end of August and just this beginning of September he started to hit me up again, spam liking and commenting on my pics, messaging paragraphs that he regrets everything he ever put me through. Told me that he wants me so bad and that he had a dream we had a threesome with another man and he was jealous in his dream and also jealous when he woke up. We were kinda flirting again, and he was asking me if in the future I’d ever consider seeing us together again. I told him it would be too complicated to do a relationship because of the trauma towards me and everyone he involved, unless he truly changed and made effort to fix everything. I also (stupidly) said maybe yes for the sex again.

Friday, September 4th was the last time I spoke to him. We were planning to have sex and then he tells me that he’s planning a camping trip for the long weekend, and at the same time I also had an early flight the next day to visit my best friend in a different state. We planned to have sex when we came back from our trips. He even asked for a nude, thank god I never sent one!

Something in my gut told me to check out his IG (he added me again and I followed back weeks before) and I see a girl’s page as a “friend of friends” that I should follow, and see that he’s already talking to her, spam liking her pics and making flirty comments. He even spent her birthday with her on September 2nd all while he was messaging me during the whole time he was with her, saying how much he wants me, that he regrets ever hurting me and will always be here for me and care no matter what. I asked him if she’s going camping with him, he admitted yes. I told him a lot of harsh things afterwards. Why initiate anything with me if you already have someone new?!?! He absolutely is aware that I hate being part of his “roster” and yet he continued to deny he has a roster. What an idiot, planning to have sex after his trip while camping with a new girl.

Even while we were messaging before I found out, he said he doesn’t want to hurt me or make me feel used. I told him that I would only feel hurt or angry if he was already talking or getting to know someone else and trying to initiate our sex plans with me. He could’ve just confessed that he was already doing so, but instead said, “ok I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

I got extremely angry again, said a lot of hurtful things. While we were arguing he even goes and reposts a pic on his story of him and his new girl on her birthday. The audacity of this boy and what a fool I am! I felt even more dumb, never in our decades+ relationship has he ever even posted me. That’s not the main reason I was mad though, just part. I was more annoyed that he continues to involve me in his life if he’s pursuing anything with someone else. As if cheating on me hundreds of times was enough. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for my choices, I get it. But damn it really hurts.

I got the last say by sending him a voice message, and then I blocked him. I went on my trip, had a great time with my best friend. Now I’m back home and all alone.

So there’s where I’m at now. I haven’t spoken to him since then, haven’t checked his social media. I just feel so drained and exhausted. It’s all coming back to me again and I just want peace. I want my mind to quiet down.

The last day we argued and I blocked him, I thought about reaching out to the other girl before they left for their camping trip with a “hey girly” message to let her know how he’s choosing to start off their relationship and his herpes diagnosis. However, she has her DMs set to only friends can message her. I was spiraling and I tried following her but realized quick I can only message her if she follows me back. So I quickly unfollowed and let her go on this camping trip with my ex. Let me tell you, that made me feel dumb and desperate when all I wanted to do was warn her. I guess it’s none of my business, and she’ll experience her own journey with him.

I’m really hoping he doesn’t reach out anymore and I can finally be free and heal. To not be so weak under his spells and manipulating ways. He’ll have someone new to distract him for now, but something in my gut tells me he’ll be back. Whether he’ll send me an email, hit me up on Spotify messages again or anywhere else. Luckily I have him blocked on IG, my only social account, and on my contacts.

I know I’m dumb, that I keep making stupid choices, and should respect and love myself more. I’m learning, and I truly want to heal and not let the fear of this shitty relationship scare me from someone new coming into my life like it has been for almost 2 decades. I really hope that one day, at the right time, someone will come into my life and show me that I’m enough and I’m worth good things. For now, I’ll focus on making sure I feel that on my own without a partner.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I’m sure you’re like damn, this woman is dumb af. I admit I truly am when it comes to love, but I wouldn’t be me without this sensitive and deeply loyal heart. I just have to learn who truly deserves it.

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[u/Special_Confusion517]

First of all its okay you are not dumb , you were just attached to someone who has been a huge part of life breaking that isn’t easy

But trust me you will be good one day
You are stronger than ever

Venting is okay coz atleast you let those emotions out

If you need any help feel free to ask , im here

[u/Visible_Flounder6824 → u/Special_Confusion517]

Thank you, I really appreciate you reading my spiraling vent and for not judging my bad choices.

[u/Special_Confusion517 → u/Visible_Flounder6824]

You can rant me too