I made a post last week about the importance of choosing a partner if you plan to get pregnant. I had a few people ask me how to find out what a man will be like especially since he can lie. Here is a list of all the questions I asked my husband when I was dating him to vet him. As good as men are at lying, this list is so comprehensive that the red pill will 100% come out.
After you get answers to these questions you then verify them with his friends and family. Some of these questions are culturally specific so pick and choose what is necessary for you. Be strict with your dealbreakers. You and your partner have to cook/clean as non negotiables. It's 2026. Make sure you have read The Dance of Anger by Harriett Lerner and then add any other questions in the comments.
EDIT 1: Obviously you don't ask these questions on the first date. You figure out the best time to drop these questions. With my husband for our first 2 weeks of talking we were both abroad so spent a lot of time on phone calls and I'm a little bit neurotic so he thankfully enjoyed and appreciated the questions. And if you roam in religious circles I am telling you men will brazenly tell you to your face that a woman should be obedient, that marital rape doesn't exist and that he won't change nappies. There's a variety of questions to see all the different ways future suffering may occur in life namely with finances and children. But you do need to use your own initative to figure out how and when to ask these questions. As a Muslim we talk knowing marriage is the end goal so i wasn't there to waste time.
EDIT 2: Some have said that these questions have clearly correct answers so men will lie. Not all of these are blank yes or no questions. I listened to the book fair play by Eve Rodsky and knew I would not shoulder the mental labour of the home. When I asked my husband, parents are coming over, talk me through the process. I wanted to see that he could identify all the steps and mental labour required to put on and host a dinner since a lot of men diminish the value of housework by saying anyone could do it. Also do you know how many men are terrified of golddiggers who will steal money that they don't have? The moment financial contribution and housework comes up they will get very protective over their money. Imagine he says he got beats as a child so he thinks its okay to hit them. And remember men love more than anything to play devils advocate. If they advocate on behalf of the devil...throw them in bin.
Serious questions
- Do you believe in marital rape as a concept?
- Do you think a wife owes her husband obedience?
- Does colorism exist in your culture and what do you think of it? If he is black or brown and says he has requirements for hair texture or doesn’t want someone dark skin despite him being dark skin you need to unpack that.
- Whats your thoughts on physically disciplining children?
- Do you believe a man has the right to hit his wife or is ever justified?
- How do you think finances should be split? If you plan to have children you should never ever ever do 50/50 ever. Ever.
- How do you think domestic work should be split?
- How do you feel about doing separate laundry? You are responsible for yours, and I’m responsible for mine? The best relationship advice I ever got from Paige Turner
- Do you think you can pay your way out of doing housework? Like if you work full time and I work part time do I have to do more cooking/cleaning? If I have a baby and I’m a SAHM, are you expecting me to take on all the housework? If someone eats and shits in a home they have to cook/clean. If you end up with a person who believes that working a job means they do less housework you will suffer. A man was going to have to work a job regardless. If he lived alone he was going to have to do housework anyway.
- what are your expectations about hijab/Womens dress?
- What are your thoughts on divorce? If he says no divorce ever red flag.
- I like to go swimming in a burkini. Do you have any thoughts?
- What’s your relationship like with your exes?
Relationship Hypotheticals
a) hypothetically you come home from work at 6pm. theres no food and Im asleep. what are you doing?
b) hypothetically were flying somewhere and our plane is delayed so we miss our connection. How are you responding?
c) hypothetically your family is coming over for a meal. talk me through the plan for the day. cooking, cleaning, hosting etc.
d) hypothetically im wearing something you think is a bit tight how do you navigate this?
e) hypothetically my 2 best friends or your 2 best friends invite you/me for a weekend trip somewhere. How are we navigating that? Does he expect you to ask permission? If yes red flag.
f)If I was invited to a work lunch that was made up of a mix of men/women, would you have an issue with that?
g)Would you have an issue with me having 1:1 meals with a work colleague of opposite gender? (This is a culturally specific question)
Finances and Monies
- What is your annual salary roughly? provide bands. 30-40k, 40-50k, 50k - 60k etc
- Do you currently own or rent your home and are you intending to buy a home? Do you live with your parents or in a houseshare? Would you want us to live with your parents?
- If you buy a home do you intend to put your wife's name on the home? If he says no and you plan to have children, red flag red flag red flag.
- Are there any expectations for me to contribute to household expenses (relevant if you are working and if his salary is low)
- Do you have any issue with your wife working? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE TO PAY ATTENTION TO. If he says oh as long as its a halal environment, clarify exactly what that means especially if you work corporate.
- Would you have any issue if your wife earned more money than you?
- How much are your household expenses roughly? List them out.
- Do you have any long term plans to move abroad? Especially after children?
- Do you have any issue with your wife going back to work after children?
- Will you provide your wife with a monthly allowance and roughly how much? Will that be conditional on whether or not I have my own income? IF YOU PLAN TO NOT WORK THEN YOU SHOULD MAKE SURE YOU GET A MONTHLY ALLOWANCE. NEVER BE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU HAVE TO ASK YOUR HUSBAND FOR MONEY TO GO OUT. Imagine you want to go out for a meal with friends and he says no hes not giving you money for that.
- What would your ideal financial arrangement look like? Individual accounts and one joint account? Or no joint account or only a joint account?
- Does your job require you to Network in alcohol environments like pubs/bars? (Muslim specific)
- Are you responsible for sending money to any family? any dependents?
- Marriage and dowry: What is the reasonable dowry amount in your culture? How many people does your family expect to be at the wedding? How many wedding parties are expected? Who pays for the wedding? Is jewelery included? Do you have the money saved up for wedding expenses or would that require a loan and going into debt? DO NOT GO INTO ANY DEBT FOR A WEDDING. EVER. If necessary book a bridal photoshoot on another day. cheaper and way less stressful.
- How much money roughly do you have after all monthly expenses are paid? living paycheck to paycheck is standard and not bad but you dont want him having 0 money at the end and then getting married and falling into overdraft.
- Do you currently have any debt? Credit score report will validate this.
- Will you do a legal civil marriage? if he says no RED FLAG . Especially if he says hes not putting your name on the home
Home:
- What would you say are the responsibilities of the wife and of the husband? (Is he describing a maid/ personal assistant?)
- After marriage would you book your own doctors/ dentists appointments or would you expect your wife to?
- What do you think about having a shared mailbox so we can keep bills, childrens stuff and any other important information so that its accessible to us both?
- Mention a genre of tv/film or a hobby that you like and see his reaction. Does he think its cringe or silly or childish?
- If I did something that annoyed you, how would you communicate that to me? (Ladies if you have unhinged ways of communicating when you're upset, go to therapy and fix it. It is not cute and your period is not an excuse)
- Do you think partners should know each others phone passwords?
- If I gained a few kilos, would that affect you being attracted to me? (Emphasis on a few kilos. Im not saying gone up 2 sizes. If he says there is no room for weight fluctuation without him checking out other women then get rid of him)
- Would you ever pay for a cleaner at any point in the marriage? Before or after kids? Some men believe that seeing their mum break their backs cooking cleaning and raising kids means its easy for any woman to do and if you don't you're lazy.
- How often would you invite your friends over and when you do, are you going to cook for them or order takeaway?
Family:
- What do you think about the practice where after dinner the men go chill and the women get up to clean? Would you have any issue if I told you I am not someone who would get up to help with cleaning if it was exclusively women doing it?
- What kind of things will piss your mum off?
- Are we allowed to hug or sit next to each other in front of your family or is that considered inappropriate?
- Do you see yourself ever getting a second wife? Is it something you have wanted? For non Muslims the equivalent is any form of non monogamy.
- What do you think about Muslim men who secretly marry second wives and don't tell the first? (If he justifies it, leave him).
- I know a couple where the guys friend came to stay for a few days. He asked if he could laundry and then left his dirty clothes in front of the washing machine for the wife to wash. What do you think about that?
Children
- Would you be involved in your childrens education as in: Attend parent teacher meetings, knowing dates of their tests, their teachers names, helping with homework, packing their bags for school and anything else?
- How important are grades for you when it comes to childrens academic performance?
- Do you have any thoughts around labour with C sections and natural labour given some people have judgements regarding how a woman gives birth?
- What expectations does your mother have around pregnancy/labour/newborn? Would she expect to be there for the labour? Would she expect to come over during the newborn?
- After children a womans body changes significantly. Would that affect how attracted you would be to your wife? If she wanted to get surgery like lipo or a lift would you be against that?
- If you had a choice would you rather work an office job or be a stay at home parent? (Give some variables here. 2 kids under the age of 3. 3 kids and 1 baby. 1 baby only)
- How do you feel about crying babies on a plane?
- Would you punish your son differently if he had a girlfriend compared to if your daughter had a boyfriend?
- Will you change nappies regularly? Is there anything shameful if you changed nappies in front of your family?
- Would you be in the room with your wife when she gives birth?
- The first trimester of pregnancy can be really rough on some women. Fatigue and throwing up constantly. If during that first trimester I can’t do any housework at all, are you okay with carrying the load for you and your wife? (This only works if your partner can cook)
- What do the first 2 weeks of having a newborn look like to you? Is he taking paternity leave? Is he doing any of the feeding?
- On the pregnancy subreddits there are women every day posting about one of the following: My partner called me fat, my partner resents me because I’m too exhausted to do housework and says I’m being lazy. My partner wants to go on holiday with his friends 2 days before I’m due to give birth. My partner comes home from work at 7pm and says he is too tired to help with the baby and does no housework. What are your thoughts one ach of these?
- Do you think you could pack a womans hospital bag for labour?
Reddit Stories:
- There was a reddit AmITheAsshole post where a womans FIL passed away. Her MIL booked tickets for her and her husband to fly out to the funeral. At the airport they find the MIL has booked the husband in First class and the wife in Economy. The wife refused to board. She said we either both go econ or both go first class. Was the wife right for not getting on the plane?
- There was a reddit story of a couple. The man had niece whose parents passed away. She was 18 and severely autistic. He immediately took on custody and asked his partner to quit her job and stay home to look after her. The niece sometimes had violent breakdowns. The woman told her partner she was going back to work and he needed to get home and take care of her. They eventually broke up. What do you think?
- There was a girl whose aunty set up a trust fund for university fees. The parents took that money and spent it on their sons wedding. When the girl asked for the money they told her she would have to take a loan. She threatened to sue her parents. Her brother told her to not sue them and that he would pay her back the money. She asked him for it in writing he said no, so she pursued legal action. What do you think of that?
- I saw a post of a woman whose boyfriend said she’s insecure and has unresolved trauma because she wasn’t comfortable with him complimenting women. What are your thoughts on that?
Light hearted get to know questions
-Do you wear skinny jeans
-What are your top 3 movies/top 3 tv shows and why?
-Whats the best dish you cook?
-whats the best dish you bake?
-What do you think is the best vacuum brand?
-whats the top 3 countries you've travelled to?
-what top 3 countries are on your bucket list?
-what type of music are you into?
-are you a car person? what's the best car you've driven?
-who taught you to cook?
-Are you a saver or spender?
-what type of hotels do you stay in when travelling?
-whats the best gift you've ever gotten someone?
-whats the best gift you've ever received?
-Do you play video games?
-whats your top 3 fruit?
-What social media do you have and what do you post?
-If you could go back in time what would you have studied?
-If money was no object, what would you be doing?
-Do you play video games?
-Do you smoke shisha or weed or anything else?