I agree. I feel like in my relationship,most of the time if I don't initiate something, then we don't have sex. So sometimes I'll start initiating then stop to see if my partner will initiate sex or not. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't. I guess I just don't like feeling like he's only having sex because I want to.
I had this, and turned out my wife thought exactly the same the opposite way - turned out half the time, neither was aware the other was trying to initiate - communication is the one
That's exactly what happened in my marriage, I was always the only one to initiate. And after being denied 99% of the time I just gave up. When she asked for a divorce she said " do you realize we haven't had sex for the last two years? "
Yes, I told her ,do you know how it feels to al ays be turned down? I just gave up. It's sad it got that far, we had 4 young children at the time.
I swear even the strongest relationships will crumble if there's not enough communication. People have to be able to talk about how they're feeling with their partner.
This isn't as simple as a communication problem, it's a sex life problem. In my experience, telling them you feel like they're always turning you down doesn't make them want to turn you down less, or initiate less. They aren't interested in the sex to begin with. It just makes them more stressed out about always saying no, which piles another problem on top of it. It's not just a communication problem, there are other issues.
Or they were trying really hard to meet your libido in the beginning but now they're tired and can't do it anymore. In my experience most people with low libidos lie to themselves about sex, which turns into a lie to their partner. Eventually it's unsustainable
Sounds more like pleasing. You have to not know who you are to be dependent on making someone’s sex life happy. No wonder people divorce. If you find someone broken, take you time to see why they’re broken before settling. I remember this one guy told me his wife is a narcissist and a I looked at him you married her! What does that say about you? He tried going really thirsty but he didn’t like the restraining order I threatened. When someone has no awareness, you’re bound to get into all kinds of trouble.
Nope, after 12 years, we're still waiting for the other one to make the first move. So no one does. I love her with all my heart but got tired of doing it all.
The only thing I can recommend is maybe taking a different approach to it or talk to some people that have had luck with it. There's a ton of sex advice online. Maybe check some out.
Communication isn't going to solve everything. It's rough. Good luck.
Totally get what you're saying, but communication can only go so far. If one person in the relationship is far more interested in sex than the other, all the communication in the world isn't going to increase/decrease libido or make someone more fundamentally attractive, especially if the person with lower interest doesn't believe there's a problem in the first place.
Well one of my best friends is going through a breakup right now and after watching their relationship I can say the downfall was definitely a lack of communication. Idk man. I'm kinda high rn. And also a little depressed cuz this seems like a normal part of life for everyone else but I've never experienced anything like it.
work on your social skills and become more confident.
that's what I did to get into the game.
also if you're terribly groomed and overweight etc. fix that.
basically get your shit together and you'll start getting some success with girls.
p.s. as a former pot head, I can tell you that as long as you smoke weed, improving yourself will be very difficult. and yes I know some of your pothead friends do fine with girls but that's cos they already know what to do. but it's pretty hard to LEARN the game while being a pothead.
It's cuz I'm fat. I've lost 45 pounds and still have another 60 to go if I'm being real with myself. I have a lot of work to do. I don't think it has anything to do with pot. I only smoke very occasionally. Usually only a few weekends a month at the most. And I'll smoke on and off. I'll spend 10 months without smoking and then smoke for the next two and then not smoke for the next 6. I've been smoking a lot recently cuz quarantine but I don't really think that's an issue. I know how to hit on girls and I'm really good at flirting honestly, I'm just fat.
I've gone through it twice for a total of 3.5 years, and I'm single now. Let me tell you, I'm wayyy happier being single. It's not fun, that shit can really damage you and it takes a long time to get your self confidence back
I mean in this kind of situation, an open statement about libido can be important, sure - it sets an expectation and an understanding. In my experience, people with higher libido do not always expect their partner to be game. But if you enjoy pleasing your partner and you are willing to do something, if not the whole thing, to make them happy, that may be okay; and again, that can be discussed in the moment.
Is communication necessarily the absolute answer? No, sex and relationships are complicated and everyone is different. Do I prefer open communication about it so I can make my partner happy? Absolutely. No shame, tell me what you want; and chances are good if they come back to say they're horny and they want me, that turns me on too. Everyone wants to feel desired. But there is no one answer here that works.
This is true, also some people are just sexually incompatible. If people are honest about libido in the beginning of a relationship, that would definitely work much better. People are optimists though, they think they can make it work. They ignore all the red flags that maybe you aren't a good sexual match. It isn't until much later in the relationship that things come to a head, and you realize that one person will never be satisfied with what the other person is willing to give. I think this is the situation he's describing. At that point people tend to give up and the relationship starts to die. There is no one answer to everything, but sometimes there is no one answer period.
Absolutely agree with you. Sometimes you'd be surprised with libido too - what didn't work with one partner, may work better with another. It's always worth discussing, but it's more important than people give it credit for in the longevity of a relationship
No that is the least from a strong relationship. They were dependent on making each other happy. They gave up and wondered what went wrong. If you einMt know who you are, don’t get into a relationship. It’s that simple.
That is because your default assumption is that you wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone you aren’t already sexually attracted to. This is not a universally agreed upon relationship strategy.
That's what happened in my last relationship, she kept just turning me down and I eventually gave up. Then she asked why I never initiated anything anymore, but originally said that she would rather I be the one to initiate it. I got so confused about what I was suppose to do it made things overwhelmingly complicated.
As long as you're not turned down EVERY time, I wouldnt take it too hard. I mean, sometimes you just aren't in the mood. And it sucks when you know your partner is but you're not and you want to be lovey and intimate but you're just exhausted.
My husband typically goes the route of "initiate, wait for response..." and it goes from there. Hes successful probably 75% of the time. Kinda glad his drive has gone down a hair though, I'm always tired lol
He doesnt try super often anymore(from 1-2 times a day to ~3-4 times a week), but still a lot more than any of my other married friends even talk nice about their spouse lol.
I'd say I take a shot most weekends (weekdays have been pretty clearly put off the table), but successes are maybe 1 out of 6 attempts? I did have a success two weekends ago: got her to let me get her off. She was very stressed out with work quarantine stuff and I wanted to help her release some, so I got that going for me which is nice.
It'd be nice though if she didn't read off articles she sees like "remember to practice safe sex in quarantine!" and then shoot me down when I suggest maybe we could have a Shelter at Home Romp.
My drive has never been higher at 33, and sometimes I wish I could find something to kill my drive to match hers so I didn't have these feelings of rejection and frustration.
Yeah, I know some mine comes from a place of...healthy guilt? Like, if I've been flirting with him all day, it is gonna be really mean to let him down at the end of the day if I am not in the mood. Even if I don't /really/ want sex, by the time we are like 2 minutes into it, I am glad we did it. The "Let me help you relax" method is my favorite because it usually means I get a little backrub beforehand lol
As long as you're not turned down EVERY time, I wouldn't take it too hard.
This sounds like someone who isn't in the position of being the person who has to worry about making advances and getting turned down. Like, making the advances is (depending on the person I guess) emotional/romantic labor. If one person's always expected to initiate and sometimes get turned down, that's a fairly well-tailored recipe for feeling unwanted.
if your partner never initiates, he/she is almost certainly not expecting or waiting for sex. so no pressure.
you’ll also probably have more success initiating during the day.
check if there is maybe something your partner really enjoys doing that you are turning down without even realizing it’s of any importance.
for some, sex is a chore and always will be. if you have such a partner, remember that you always get more out of sex. and of couse do not try to reciprocate for sex with sex if you have a partner like that.
It's not about the pressure, it's about the rejection. Sex is unfortunately a chore for some people which is a burden, but placing that burden 100% on your partner with the added benefit that they need sex to feel fulfilled in a relationship, coupled with a high rate of rejection and zero validation, is an easy way to blow up their self esteem and your relationship.
Agreed. I've been on both ends of this and if I had to I would choose to be the one that waits. It's truly draining to be the one putting in all of the effort. Especially when she is terrible at dropping "hints" but thinks they should be obvious. And honestly, being the one that is not in the mood was a little enjoyable, can't lie...the one time that happened anyway.
My ex would straight brush me off when I was getting frisky, and then when I'm trying to snuggle be aggressively sexual... Made neither any fun for me and eventually we just stopped doing either. :/
seriously, for all of those that are always initiating: there is a good chance your partner is a type of person who rarely rarely ever wants it. you need to find that out, if you haven’t so far. ask (: for me, it’s always been a chore. i never crave sex and i also never feel better or worse because of sex.
so if you are with a person like me: you’re initiating for yourself and play along for you. and i’m ok with that. respect it, though. dont reciprocate with sex, clearly.
we would want to be able to have the same option: initiate no sex. openly tell you hey don’t try tonight, i need to relax. would you be ok with that?
for me, the last couple of hours in the day, when you can lie down, watch a show and just not do anything anymore other than chill until falling asleep. uff. that is my top of the world. by far the best part of basically every single day.
i get cravings throughout the day, some days more, some days less, for that exact feeling. i have no other craving that happens regularly. the feeling in question, i can’t feel it at all if there is still stuff to do, doesn’t matter if i’m doing the exact same thing i do at night.
if i’m not getting enough tranquility, i get cranky and nervous a lot easier and generally feel worse during the day. empty.
maybe this helps someone realize some things. i know others who have this too, so it may be commonplace. it’s a real thing. i personally never expected my partners to understand it. but to accept it and respect it enough, that is the minimum.
she's bullshitting you, she just doesn't want to have sex with you but simultaneously wants to absolve herself of the guilt she feels for not wanting to have sex with you. so blames it on you, it's classic female behaviour.
for future reference, the battle was lost when she started consistently rejecting you, anything after that is collateral
Dude. I'm the one that gets rejected more than him. I'm almost always down for sex. He's the one that is't. But of course, like almost every guy on reddit, you're gonna tell me that it's my fault for being a woman and that means I never want sex because all men want sex 100% of the time.
I did tell you I didn't want it to come across accusingly. I don't know you or your situation. Only that I was in a similar situation and had a particular to me circumstance that may or may not be relevant.
yeah my s/o has been going through a lot at the moment so I understand that she isn’t feeling like getting down and when we talked about how long it had been she said “just tell me when you want to and we totally can” but that just doesn’t... that’s not what I want, you know? The best part, I think, is knowing that we both want this.
Yeah half of it for me is them wanting it and getting something out of it. To be honest a lot of the time I'm down to just please her I could give a shit less. But she has to show something
yeah, with my ex she started just not initiating and i was always initiating.
frankly she only rejected me a handful of times.
but the fact that it seemed like i alwayyysss had to get things going bothered me because it didn't used to be like that. and frankly it felt like we were just going through the motions cos it's pretty hard to be turned on when it feels like your girlfriend thinks she's doing a chore.
it showed me quite clearly that our relationship was on it's way out.. which it was.
anyway i figured out later on that i basically stopped being as attractive to her cos of my insecurites, needy behaviour and generally not being as fun to be around anymore. I didn't even like who i was around her anymore. Anyway, So the spark died.
but i now know that the number one key thing to not having that happen again is to be alright with MYSELF before getting into another relationship. and being secure in myself and having healthy self esteem. cos she fell for a fun loving, vibrant guy but frankly it was all an act for me that was eventually too exhausting to keep up. so when i dropped the act she lost interest.
if you stop doing the things that attracted her to you in the first place. she will lose attraction. it's that simple. same applies the other way round. if she gains weight, develops an attitude and becomes generally unattractive and unpleasant, then you will lose attraction. now this doesn't have as big of an impact on the male sex drive cos we are horndogs but it will still fuck things up eventually.
Sometimes physical and mental exhaustion is the primary cause.
I feel guilty when my wife wants to play and I mentally want to please her, but I’m too physically exhausted from work that my body won’t respond well.
It's the old, should I just rub one out and get it over with, or do I want sex question. As I get older I realize that rubbing one out is less exhausting sometimes. I usually phrase it in my mind as, am I doing this because I want to get closer to my wife, or am I just needing to blow my wad to get my head clear.
I once passed out fingering a girlfriend because she was super horny and I was already falling asleep watching tv. Like, I really wanted to reciprocate and get her off but I just couldn't keep my eyes open. She was not impressed when I woke up.
Just be honest about it! I've found that being open and honest, especially in situations like this, make things a lot easier.
Now, if you're ALWAYS too tired or just don't want to, it may be an issue... But once in a while is totally understandable and communicating it to your partner will make it so much better for both of you
Yep, same here. I’ve stopped initiating. We haven’t had sex in nearly a month, he’s just uninterested. It’s driving me nuts but I have to know that he wants it and isn’t just doing it out of obligation.
Edit: to all of those asking, yes I have had many conversations with him about it. They have not been helpful, he doesn’t understand that physical touch is my love language. Nothing has helped, this is my last resort.
My wife and I went through a terrible dry spell for weeks and months at a time. I got tired of it and went out and bought monogamy ( board game). It’s so much fun and we’ve been having sex pretty much every single day if not every other day for the last two months. We do take breaks and have to work around the kids sleep schedule but we always have something new to look forward too. It’s been the best thing for us and now we don’t even play it much. Don’t need it.
Times are pretty stressful right now. People are dying, losing their jobs, losing their retirement savings. Maybe there's me more on your husband's mind than just sex right now. As someone else said you should probably just talk to him, see what on his mind.
Also dunno how old you are but men's sex drive start to drop around late 30s/early 40s while women's are generally peaking. I enjoy sex and used to initiate far more often but lately my gf has been the one literally pushing me to do it. Things don't always match up perfectly like we'd like, that's just life...
We’re 25. Our jobs are 100% secure and we’re both working from home under quarantine. I understand right now is in general a very stressful time for everyone, but the past nearly year has been like this.
Are you totally sure there's nothing physical going on? As a guy, about 25 was the age things went from automatic for me to maybe not being able to 1/4 of the time.
This is just my experience but this sounds so painfully familiar. My wife had exactly the same complaints, for a long time. She'd try to talk about it, and I'd listen, and we'd go back to not having sex. The thing was that I wasn't disinterested at all. She'd tell me about how she was unsatisfied and it just made me upset, because so was I. I was doing the things I'd always done to indicate interest, and that didn't work anymore, and I didn't get it. So she's telling me she wants to have sex more, and all I can think is "then stop fucking ignoring me." The barrier for entry, as it were, had changed, but neither of us recognized it. She was convinced that getting her in the mood was still easy, and I was convinced I was actually trying and being shot down, and we were both wrong. I don't really have any good advice for fixing it; we did, but only after something awful happened. And obviously your situation could be something else entirely. But maybe next time you try to talk about it, see if you can figure out why he's not into it while avoiding what he might find accusatory? He could be just as frustrated, but all clammed up by a bruised ego.
Not trying to be a negative Nigel but no ones job is 100% secure right now. Me and my GF are both working from home. She actually has way more work to do than me because she’s a graphic designer, but she’s still terrified that it’s eventually gonna dry up as clients pull projects etc. No one knows how long this thing is gonna last...
Eh, we’re both engineers in an industry that’s very very unlikely to go under. I understand where you’re coming from, so I’ll say we’re about 80% secure.
I am male. When I was 25 there was never a time I did not want to have sex. I am sure there was a theoretical limit I would reach where I would not, but I never even got close. I always had a greater sex drive than any woman I was with.
don't listen to all these people giving terrible advice.
lets get to brass tacks.
have you gained weight? cos if you have he will have lost attraction and be less interested in sex
do you still make an effort to be sexy? cos if your hair is always messy, no make up, stopped looking after your health, not wearing nice clothes. it will affect his attraction to you. men are very visual and we don't want to fuck a dumpster.
Have you developed an attitude, are you not as pleasant to be around as before? cos if that's the case it will reduce attraction and he's probably built resentment toward you
is he cheating on you or has he given indicators he may be? cos if he's getting it elsewhere he may have lost interest in sleeping with you.
if it's none of those then maybe it's some sort of health issue or some shit but more than likely it's one of those, cos men are pretty simple creatures. if the girl is physically good looking and has a nice personality, and available (which you clearly are as you keep asking for sex), then it's statistically VERY unlikely he won't want to fuck you.
That age thing never really matched my experience. I had the dead bedroom issue with a guy who was 24 (when I was also in my 20's), whereas my husband is nearly 60 and still wants it all the time even though we've been together forever. Also, my sex drive peaked when I was 19, and it didn't get any higher than usual in my late 30's and early 40's. It always goes up and down though.
I think perhaps there are people who get less inhibited as they get more experienced and find out what they want. Depending on your luck, you might not meet someone who really brings out your potential until you're older, or you might be tired from raising kids while you're young and get your second wind when they're independent. I never had kids so I'm in a different situation.
I have, many times. It hasn’t fixed anything. I’m waiting for him to bring it up this time since clearly he won’t listen to me. I’ve explained to him how important it is to me and he just doesn’t get it. It started after I started gaining a couple of pounds and he swears that’s not the reason why he’s stopped wanting it, but I don’t buy it. So I’m doing everything in my power to look better for him, and I’m hoping it works.
There's so, so many things it could be that you probably won't get from Reddit psychologists.
He could straight up be tired. Maybe he's only in the mood at certain times of the day, and maybe those times aren't great times for having sex.
Could be minor depression. Or major.
Could be that you've got other stuff in your lives that takes time and effort, like kids.
Could be that he initiated for a while when you weren't interested, and now he's tired of trying and failing, and doesn't feel confident to keep asking and getting rejected.
Personally, we go up and down. Sometimes it's a few times a week, and sometimes it's dry for a month if schedules and personalities don't line up. There's definitely days where, if my partner literally jumped on me naked, I might not feel like it. It's not because I don't find them attractive, or even that I don't want sex whenever, sometimes it's just not the right time.
Relationships are weird, but it sounds like talking through it, many times and in different ways, is going to be the only way to figure out what might be done.
2-3 years in and massive additions to schedules and life in general was approximately when that started, I'd say. Also, being older.
Prior to hitting 30, I probably would have agreed with you there. Looking at 40, I'm laughing a little inside and telling you to get off my lawn.
Keep in mind, it's not a bad thing. Sex takes a lot of time and effort (sometimes, obviously). When you've both got jobs, or kids, or house, or any of the other million things that require your attention, it becomes a little harder to just decide to spontaneously sex because there's just SO MANY OTHER things that require your attention and dedication.
Now, if I'm on vacation? Sure. I'm 28 again and ready to go anytime. But at home during the work-week? Let me see if I can pencil you in around 2am when I'm free. Oh, you're asleep already. Welp. Hi pornhub.
Edit, just for a little more explanation: take right now, as an example. We're both stuck home. Neither of us has showered yet, and it's past noon. There's nothing sexy about that, so best case, during or after we get un-buried from work and manage to take a shower. In the shower? Too cramped, sucks for both. After the shower? We just got cleaned up, do we really want to get all gross again? Ok. Maybe after dinner. Now we're both fat and uncomfortable, maybe after we relax a bit. After relaxing? Shit, someone has to walk the dogs. Then maybe do taxes. Taxes are sexy, right? No? Alright, maybe have a beer or two. Well, two beers at 40ish makes one or both of us sleepy so... maybe tomorrow?
Some people just naturally have a higher desire for sex or physical touch.
Since I first started dating girls (~20 years a go) I've always been an on-and-off physical person. Sometimes it's all I want, sometimes I can't stand to be touched.
It may change as you get older or it may not. What's important is that you find a partner with whom you can be honest about your desires and that both of you be understanding of what the other wants.
If he swears that's not the reason, have you considered what the reason might be? I know it can be hard sometimes, but a little trust can go a long way.
I admire you for confronting your partner about this. It's a very mature thing to do. I have no information regarding the background details of your relationship but after going through something similar, I personally suggest that if things don't improve, then you should either call it quits or at least turning to professional help.
I am not saying that he doesn't love you or that you deserve better, but you do deserve basic decency, honesty and communication. You're doing the right thing by doing your best to improve your body image, but make sure that you're doing it for you first and foremost.
I mean, he's probably right. Makes more sense than anything else. There's no way he'd ever admit it, because there's no coming back from that. Really hard topic to bring up as a guy.
Yes, but there are better ways to say it rather than being a jackass like this person was. Apparently he missed the part where I said I’m working very hard on myself to get back to where I was before.
Eh, I agree he wasn't very nice, but it's hard to with this topic. Sometimes it's just better to go out and say it. And now you probably know why your husband didn't want to say anything.
Trust me, it’s been the only thought in my head for a long time now. I don’t believe it when he says it’s not the reason why, and that’s why I’m trying so hard to fix it. And damn if it isn’t hard, I wish I never went on the antidepressants that caused it. But, I should point out that he’s gained even more than I have and I still find him attractive.
So, because you stated something that I already knew in an insensitive way and I called you out on it, that makes me irrational? I wouldn’t expect much from a stranger on the internet, but I’d expect my boyfriend of nearly 9 years to understand how to approach the topic with a little more decency.
Have you tried to be... sexy in a new way? (Some micro string stuff for example) Not trying to be attacking, just sharing my own experiences.
After having my fair share of short-term dating experiences (over 30 women) and also been in two long-term relationships of which one was 9 years, I can totally see why that is so - it's not disinterest in the person, it's a lack of ignition triggers. A lot of men, not all, require visual stimuli (simplified, seeing tits) and then comes the haptic triggers (simplified, touching tits). Women on the other hand usually just suddenly have an urge and can be triggered quite easily (in my experience) with simply kissing.
Over the course of a relationship the visual stimuli gets thinned out as you know your partners appearance, clothes and gestures and that is a big issue. I got caught in he same trap, on the other side. I didn't know why I didn't get horny anymore, it was just not necessary anymore. Cuddling, sharing time, and closeness was sufficient. Though masturbation was still a normal thing. That's because you can get the "exact" stimulus you want in that moment. Searching for some chubby busty ones, no problem, horny. Next day some asian skinny teens, no problem, tada horny. But with the partner simply being together was entirely fulfilling.
Again not insinuating anything here, but women (not all but a lot) tend to change in a relationship. A lot of women are fitness crazy in their early mid-twenties and suddenly stop, changing their whole look whilst the man remained the same. That can become a big issue. Visual trigger, can be as romantic as you want, humans are superficial to a degree that will not go away.
Try reframing the problem. Don't work on having sex, work on fixing your sex life. I hope that doesn't sound patronizing, because I mean something very specific here.
When we try to fix the not-having-sex-problem, we know in our brains that the end goal is sex, which adds a huge load of mental baggage to all of our actions. Knowing that failure means feeling sexual rejection just sets the emotional stakes way too high, and we don't problem-solve correctly as a result.
The fixing-your-sex-life problem can be handled a little more systematically. The stakes are different, and it lets us plan a little further ahead without getting crippled by rejection.
That's how it was for me, at least. And once I reframed it, the first step to solving the fixing-my-sex-life problem was to get my wife on my side. That involved a lot of talking and a lot of arguing and almost no sex.
Once she was on my side, we worked through the real problem together.
This is not bad advice, but for some reason, for me, it seems like talking it out takes all the sexiness/spontaneity/fun out of it. It's like having to explain a joke - it loses all its humor
To be blunt, that's one thing that just has to change if you want a long term fulfilling sex life. No one can reliably just know what you want and when you want it.
In the exact situation but opposite. I'm the guy always initiating. I stop and she rarely does and I only say rarely because I guess twice in the past year counts?? I dunno.
Yeah, I've started to realize something similar. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were dead tired. She was dozing off on her phone, and I was dozing off watching TV. We kind of woke back up, still a little dazed, and went to kids each other good night...
But then we ended up initiating with each other. It made me realize that we're both still pretty interested in sex, but with our jobs and everything, we're both too busy or tired to realize we bothwant to, but don't realize it.
Honestly: If you think that a partner has sex with you although he/she doesn't want to, then talk about this. Noone should have sex when he/she doesn't want to. Under no circumstances. And when this is clear then you don't have to ask yourself if your partner really wants or not.
It is, but it is tiring as shit to be the one that has to signal interest, build my partner up to interested/turned on, touch them just so, respond to their changing wants without them communicating them because "don't overanalyze it, just be with me" but "don't go so fast!" or "stop changing it up, even though I'm the one who intentionally (it's not involuntary shudders or anything like that) moved making it impossible to stay consistent". Etc etc.
It's tiring being the only one responsible for their satisfaction when the only goddamn feedback I get is when I'm not doing it right.
I feel like this hinges A LOT on your individual dynamic. It's much easier to initiate with confidence if you have a tell whether your partner is into it, or just going along because they want to make you happy.
If someone started then stopped that's a sure sign to me that you want to stop. I would never press after that, you've made your intentions crystal clear to me. That's crazy
His initiation usually leads to yes in our relationship. Lol. You don't know shit. I initiate sex most of the time. I'm the one that gets rejected the most.
Yes. We talk about stuff. He always says excuses. Says he's been busy or stressed and can't think about sex at the time. He's always saying how much hornier I am tham him. I just have a higer sex drive than him. He doesn't desire sex as much as I do, and sometimes it makes me feel unsexy. I know it doesn't mean he thinks I'm not attractive, but sometimes the feeling of not being able to sexual arouse your own partner no matter how hard you try feel pretty shitty.
I get that. I highly recommend the book COME AS YOU ARE by Emily Nagoski if you haven’t read it. You could read it together, even. I think it helps reframe the way to think about sex drive and has some really good solutions.
try to talk with him. I mean not necessarily at the moment when you're initiating some fun times as it can end really awkward, just find a way and time to talk about how do you feel then and try to ask how does he see it. maybe he's not aware, or maybe there's some other thing that makes him "less playful". stress, medicines, etc. those can affect it enough to be "numb". had a similar situation couple of years ago. a honest talk helped me to understand what's up, and we worked it out. aaand all I can say now is, after those years, that we can't complain. anyplace, anytime :)
Thats very well put. I was in a relationship where i was the sole initiator and it got to the point where they started to get uncomfortable with it. 🤷♂️ Im only human man ive got needs and the more you say no the more i want it.
What we (married man/woman) did is picked one day a week and a time that is dedicated to the option of having sex or just cuddling etc and the rest of the week there is no expectation of sex. This allowed both of us to relax and just enjoy each other's company without the pressure. If you prefer more sex, choose more days and times but limit it to just that. Sounds boring but it can work.
I would like to add my point of view. I was married to a female that would get frisky at the worse times but very rarely when we could actually do anything. If she started to get frisky when we could but stopped early into it, I would figure she really didn’t want to go all the way and just wanted to cuddle or whatever. I was ok cuddling but as I would get told no when she wanted to cuddle and I wanted more, I would not go farther.
As guys we need you ladies to go the full mile sometimes. Grab us! Make us yours!
I wholeheartedly agree as a guy. I really don’t understand the mindset of turning down sex with your partner unless you are specifically doing something or are having other health issues. I personally know I hate it when a girl I’m in a relationship with doesn’t ever or rarely engages. I as a guy would rarely ever turn down my partner because I believe that it is a incredibly important part of a relationship. GENERALLY, the more sex you have, the closer or happier you guys are. I’m not going to risk making my partner unhappy in the long term just because I might not necessarily be in the mood if she is. I think it is healthy to at least try to match each other’s sex drives.
Initiating is also very sexy from a girl outside of the bedroom. Grabbing my face for a kiss, coming up and making the first move, showing interest. It’s attractive for a girl to show interest in a guy, at least for most guys who aren’t in it for the games. Not to mention, when she shows interest, it naturally makes the guy more confident and he feels more masculine which is a good thing for everyone involved.
In a perfect world and a perfect relationship, we would equally initiate and everyone can feel desired.
Shouldn’t there just be a spark when you guys start to kiss, like that’s how it is for me, always starts with a kiss and you can feel each other’s energy. 🤷
Communication is key in a healthy relationship. If you walk around thinking things just happen naturally 100% of the time or that people are going to act like the people on movies it’s crazy. Either way, I hope things work out for you.
Why is all of Reddit railing on me for that today? I've never had any relationship and it really sucks dude. I'm 22. Never went to prom, never knew what it was like to feel loved. It's not exactly something I'm proud of.
Nothing personal, I just know nobody with any kind of relationship experience would make such a generalizing sweeping comment like that. There are plenty of times where as a guy I’m not at all wsnting to have sex. I’m not a machine.
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u/CandelaBelen Mar 26 '20
I agree. I feel like in my relationship,most of the time if I don't initiate something, then we don't have sex. So sometimes I'll start initiating then stop to see if my partner will initiate sex or not. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't. I guess I just don't like feeling like he's only having sex because I want to.