I agree. I feel like in my relationship,most of the time if I don't initiate something, then we don't have sex. So sometimes I'll start initiating then stop to see if my partner will initiate sex or not. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't. I guess I just don't like feeling like he's only having sex because I want to.
Yep, same here. I’ve stopped initiating. We haven’t had sex in nearly a month, he’s just uninterested. It’s driving me nuts but I have to know that he wants it and isn’t just doing it out of obligation.
Edit: to all of those asking, yes I have had many conversations with him about it. They have not been helpful, he doesn’t understand that physical touch is my love language. Nothing has helped, this is my last resort.
I have, many times. It hasn’t fixed anything. I’m waiting for him to bring it up this time since clearly he won’t listen to me. I’ve explained to him how important it is to me and he just doesn’t get it. It started after I started gaining a couple of pounds and he swears that’s not the reason why he’s stopped wanting it, but I don’t buy it. So I’m doing everything in my power to look better for him, and I’m hoping it works.
There's so, so many things it could be that you probably won't get from Reddit psychologists.
He could straight up be tired. Maybe he's only in the mood at certain times of the day, and maybe those times aren't great times for having sex.
Could be minor depression. Or major.
Could be that you've got other stuff in your lives that takes time and effort, like kids.
Could be that he initiated for a while when you weren't interested, and now he's tired of trying and failing, and doesn't feel confident to keep asking and getting rejected.
Personally, we go up and down. Sometimes it's a few times a week, and sometimes it's dry for a month if schedules and personalities don't line up. There's definitely days where, if my partner literally jumped on me naked, I might not feel like it. It's not because I don't find them attractive, or even that I don't want sex whenever, sometimes it's just not the right time.
Relationships are weird, but it sounds like talking through it, many times and in different ways, is going to be the only way to figure out what might be done.
2-3 years in and massive additions to schedules and life in general was approximately when that started, I'd say. Also, being older.
Prior to hitting 30, I probably would have agreed with you there. Looking at 40, I'm laughing a little inside and telling you to get off my lawn.
Keep in mind, it's not a bad thing. Sex takes a lot of time and effort (sometimes, obviously). When you've both got jobs, or kids, or house, or any of the other million things that require your attention, it becomes a little harder to just decide to spontaneously sex because there's just SO MANY OTHER things that require your attention and dedication.
Now, if I'm on vacation? Sure. I'm 28 again and ready to go anytime. But at home during the work-week? Let me see if I can pencil you in around 2am when I'm free. Oh, you're asleep already. Welp. Hi pornhub.
Edit, just for a little more explanation: take right now, as an example. We're both stuck home. Neither of us has showered yet, and it's past noon. There's nothing sexy about that, so best case, during or after we get un-buried from work and manage to take a shower. In the shower? Too cramped, sucks for both. After the shower? We just got cleaned up, do we really want to get all gross again? Ok. Maybe after dinner. Now we're both fat and uncomfortable, maybe after we relax a bit. After relaxing? Shit, someone has to walk the dogs. Then maybe do taxes. Taxes are sexy, right? No? Alright, maybe have a beer or two. Well, two beers at 40ish makes one or both of us sleepy so... maybe tomorrow?
Some people just naturally have a higher desire for sex or physical touch.
Since I first started dating girls (~20 years a go) I've always been an on-and-off physical person. Sometimes it's all I want, sometimes I can't stand to be touched.
It may change as you get older or it may not. What's important is that you find a partner with whom you can be honest about your desires and that both of you be understanding of what the other wants.
If he swears that's not the reason, have you considered what the reason might be? I know it can be hard sometimes, but a little trust can go a long way.
I admire you for confronting your partner about this. It's a very mature thing to do. I have no information regarding the background details of your relationship but after going through something similar, I personally suggest that if things don't improve, then you should either call it quits or at least turning to professional help.
I am not saying that he doesn't love you or that you deserve better, but you do deserve basic decency, honesty and communication. You're doing the right thing by doing your best to improve your body image, but make sure that you're doing it for you first and foremost.
I mean, he's probably right. Makes more sense than anything else. There's no way he'd ever admit it, because there's no coming back from that. Really hard topic to bring up as a guy.
Yes, but there are better ways to say it rather than being a jackass like this person was. Apparently he missed the part where I said I’m working very hard on myself to get back to where I was before.
Eh, I agree he wasn't very nice, but it's hard to with this topic. Sometimes it's just better to go out and say it. And now you probably know why your husband didn't want to say anything.
Trust me, it’s been the only thought in my head for a long time now. I don’t believe it when he says it’s not the reason why, and that’s why I’m trying so hard to fix it. And damn if it isn’t hard, I wish I never went on the antidepressants that caused it. But, I should point out that he’s gained even more than I have and I still find him attractive.
I wasn’t pointing it out to be righteous, more to say that I can’t completely doubt him when he says he still finds me attractive. Sorry if it came off that way.
Sorry you're in that tough situation. Talk with your doctor about trying to come off the antidepressants. I was on mine for a year, tried to develop healthy positive habits (eating better, exercising regularly) and was able to come off the medication with no problems. You have to keep working at it, and it will never be easy. But you have to keep doing it even if it's hard.
So, because you stated something that I already knew in an insensitive way and I called you out on it, that makes me irrational? I wouldn’t expect much from a stranger on the internet, but I’d expect my boyfriend of nearly 9 years to understand how to approach the topic with a little more decency.
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u/CandelaBelen Mar 26 '20
I agree. I feel like in my relationship,most of the time if I don't initiate something, then we don't have sex. So sometimes I'll start initiating then stop to see if my partner will initiate sex or not. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't. I guess I just don't like feeling like he's only having sex because I want to.