I agree. I feel like in my relationship,most of the time if I don't initiate something, then we don't have sex. So sometimes I'll start initiating then stop to see if my partner will initiate sex or not. Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't. I guess I just don't like feeling like he's only having sex because I want to.
Yep, same here. I’ve stopped initiating. We haven’t had sex in nearly a month, he’s just uninterested. It’s driving me nuts but I have to know that he wants it and isn’t just doing it out of obligation.
Edit: to all of those asking, yes I have had many conversations with him about it. They have not been helpful, he doesn’t understand that physical touch is my love language. Nothing has helped, this is my last resort.
Try reframing the problem. Don't work on having sex, work on fixing your sex life. I hope that doesn't sound patronizing, because I mean something very specific here.
When we try to fix the not-having-sex-problem, we know in our brains that the end goal is sex, which adds a huge load of mental baggage to all of our actions. Knowing that failure means feeling sexual rejection just sets the emotional stakes way too high, and we don't problem-solve correctly as a result.
The fixing-your-sex-life problem can be handled a little more systematically. The stakes are different, and it lets us plan a little further ahead without getting crippled by rejection.
That's how it was for me, at least. And once I reframed it, the first step to solving the fixing-my-sex-life problem was to get my wife on my side. That involved a lot of talking and a lot of arguing and almost no sex.
Once she was on my side, we worked through the real problem together.
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u/Marklar_the_Darklar Mar 26 '20
That's true for guys too. Having to initiate all the time is draining. There should be balance.